


Out of Destruction

by JulesHawke



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Adult Content, F/M, Mild Language, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2017-12-14 18:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 90
Words: 262,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulesHawke/pseuds/JulesHawke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Second chances. He'd never believed in them but now he had one. Was he brave enough to use it? Could he be good enough? Would she feel the same? A Shoker story. Rated M for language, these are marines and future smut.</p>
<p>Bioware owns all things Mass Effect, I'm just rearranging and calibrating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was always a little peeved that as a straight female I only had one human option for an LI. Joker would have been a second chance and James in ME3. So this is my story, told mostly from Joker's POV, of how Shepard and Joker would work. This Shepard is a Spacer, war hero, soldier and her name is Arelia.
> 
> I hope I capture Joker's character but if you think I haven't please let me know. Not planning to include all the missions etc, just bringing these two together in between.
> 
> Some of the music I've been listening to while writing seems to fit perfectly with the story so don't be surprised if bits of it end up on the page. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware owns all - I'm just moving things around a little.

**** 1 ****

‘Jeff, this has to stop,’ Dr Chakwas sighed as she wrapped Joker’s fingers.  ‘You can’t continue to hit anyone who doesn’t agree with you, I can only mend your bones so many times.  You’ve already suffered a broken leg, fractured ribs and arm, how much more are you going to put yourself through?’

‘What can I say Doc,’ he grimaced as she pulled the bandage tight.  ‘I’m not going to stand by and listen to people who have no idea what they’re talking about.  I won’t let them dishonour her memory.’

Chakwas saw the pain in his eyes and shook her head.  ‘Do you really think this is what she would want?’

‘No.’ He grunted angrily and tried to pull his hand away but failed.  ‘She would want to be alive, to be fucking taking on the galaxy, to be living and breathing.’  He almost sobbed the last word and Chakwas put her hand on his shoulder.

‘She wouldn’t want you to keep punishing yourself either.’

‘She died because of me!’ he shook off her hand and stared out the window into the red haze that was Mars, there was storm on the horizon that matched the storm in his heart.  ‘She died because I refused to leave the damned ship.’

‘No Jeff, she died because she was the Commander.’  She placed her hand on his chin and turned his face to her.  ‘It was her job to make sure her crew was safe just as it was your job to give the crew time to get to safety.  She would not condemn you to eternal guilt for doing your job.  If you hadn’t we would have lost a lot more people.  We owe you our lives for hanging on so long.’

Joker yanked his head out of her grip and stared at the floor, ‘She should have left me, I should have been the one to die with the ship.’  He felt the tears building as they always did when he thought of her, of watching her being thrown into space, flailing to reach the leak in her suit then the stillness as her oxygen ran out and the red glow as she entered the atmosphere.  ‘She should have fucking left me,’ it was a whisper, a plea.

Chakwas sighed and completed the wrapping of Joker’s hand.  When she was offered the position on Mars she had insisted that Jeff come with her.  It wasn’t Alliance but they were both disillusioned with the Alliance, especially Jeff when they took away his flight status.  She thought being able to fly again, even if it was only shuttle runs, might have helped him get over his grief, his guilt and his self-destruction.  To a point it had, she hadn’t seen him drink himself into a stupor for the last couple of months but the guilt was eating away at him and she didn’t know how to help him.

‘All done,’ she gathered up her equipment as Jeff slipped down from the bed and picked up his crutches.  ‘Please don’t go getting into any more fights for a while and be careful when flying, you need some time to heal.’

‘Don’t worry,’ he nodded to the storm outside.  ‘Won’t be any flying for a few days when that hits, besides, I can fly one handed better than most pilots can with two.’  He gave her a half smile, ‘Thanks doc, for everything.’

She nodded and watched him leave, her heart going out to him.  She jumped as her terminal beeped and she answered it to see Liara looking back at her.

‘Liara,’ she couldn’t help the surprise in her voice.

‘Dr Chakwas,’ Liara sounded hesitant but continued.  ‘I have a proposition for you but I’m not sure you’ll like where it’s coming from.’

‘What is it Liara?’

‘Do you remember some time ago I asked you for a copy of Shepard’s medical records?  There was a reason for that which I couldn’t explain at the time but the results are…..’

‘Liara, what’s going on?’  Chakwas felt her stomach churning and her palms were sweating, she had broken regs to give Liara those records, was it coming back to bite her.

‘Shepard is alive.’  Liara went on to explain how Shepard’s remains had become a prize, sold to the highest bidder.  Liara had been the highest bidder.  She had discovered some information that gave her hope and it had paid off.

Chakwas dropped into her chair as she stared at the screen in dumbfounded silence.  Her mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. 

‘I’m sorry to surprise you like this doctor but it’s only been confirmed in the last few days that the project was a success.’

‘What?  How?  Who?’  Chakwas stopped speaking as she tried to gather her words into a coherent sentence.

‘This is the part you are not going to like,’ Liara flinched, ‘Cerberus.’

Chakwas felt her breath stop and her chest contract.  ‘Cerberus?  Why, after everything she did to destroy them?’

‘Because they understand that we need her to defeat the Reapers, to save the galaxy.’  Liara was defensive now and was that guilt behind her eyes.  Why did everyone who knew Shepard feel some kind of guilt over her death?

‘What do you want from me, Liara?’

‘They are putting together a ship and crew and need a medical doctor; I thought you might like the job.’

‘How do I know this is really Shepard and not some clone or construct?  I need proof before I agree to anything.’

‘I would expect nothing less,’ Liara let out a long sigh.  ‘I am sending you some data so you know exactly how this was done and what the medical outcomes may be.  I will contact you again tomorrow for your decision.’

‘Wait,’ Chakwas stopped Liara from cutting the connection.  ‘You said they are putting together a crew, do they need a pilot?’

‘Yes, I was hoping to find Joker but he seems to have disappeared.’

‘He’s here, on Mars, with me.’  Chakwas saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel.  ‘Do you want me to ask him?’

‘If you would, please,’ Liara almost smiled.  ‘Until tomorrow.’

 

* * *

Joker stopped at the small market to order supplies then made his way slowly back to the one roomed apartment that had been home for the last six months.  At least it wasn’t far, nothing was far on Mars and he was thankful for that, walking was hard enough even for a short distance.  He thought about drowning his sorrows in alcohol but changed his mind and made coffee instead.  He was a little proud of his willpower as all he wanted to do was get drunk and forget.  It was fourteen months, two weeks and three days, he remembered it almost down to the minute, since the Normandy was lost, since Shepard was lost and he still found it hard to let go, to get over the grief, the guilt.

When Chakwas had asked him to come to Mars he had jumped at the chance.  The Alliance had given up on finding those responsible for Shepard’s death, they had brushed the Reaper threat under the carpet, they had buried everything she had ever fought for, protected them from.  He hated them for that. 

Flying shuttles wasn’t like flying the Normandy but at least he was flying.  The first time he was back behind the controls he panicked, what if he needed to fight off a reaper ship or some other unknown enemy.  Could he do it right the next time around?  His own self-doubt haunted him but he soon fell back into familiar routines and even though the flights were short in system flights he was happy enough to be back at the helm.  It gave him something to concentrate on, to keep him sane.

In his spare time he studied every scrap of tactical, instructional and extranet blog he could find on space flight, dogfights, aerial combat and anything else that might be useful if he ever again had to fight for his ship and crew.  He’d found it stimulating and he’d even tried a few manoeuvres during standard flights, much to the surprise of his co-pilot who was in awe of his skill.  But doing it in a shuttle was not the same as manoeuvring a frigate like the Normandy and Joker hoped he would get the chance to at least try.

He dropped onto his sofa and sighed as the pressure on his legs was relieved.  His fingers throbbed and he felt the slow drag of the painkillers kicking in.  He closed his eyes, allowing the painkillers to do their job, giving in to the physical and emotional exhaustion that had become his constant companion.

_‘Joker, we have to go!’_

_‘No!  I can still save her!’_

_‘Going down with the ship will not help anyone,’ she grabbed his arm and he turned to look at her.  There was panic in her eyes and something else.  ‘Jeff, please.’_

_‘All right, help me up,’ he relented and cursed as she tightened her grip._

_The ship exploded behind them as their attackers took another shot.  He watched in horror as the void grabbed her, as she punched the release for his pod.  He knew then what the look in her eyes was – regret._

_‘Shepard!’  He heard his screams, felt his tears, the blood on his fingers as he clawed at the hatch.  ‘Ari.’  He sobbed as the escape pod tumbled uncontrollably through space, as it tossed him around like a rag doll.  He heard his bones crack but the pain was nothing compared to the pain in his heart._

Joker slammed back into reality, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sat up and waited for his heart to slow.  The door buzzer sounded and he ignored it.  He had no real friends, he’d closed himself off from the world even more than when he’d been in the pilot’s seat.  He’d finally let someone in and that hadn’t worked out so well, so he kept everyone at arm’s length.  The buzzer sounded again, longer this time, insistent.  He cursed loudly as he lurched to the door and opened it to find Dr Chakwas standing in his doorway.  She looked up at him but said nothing about the tears he hadn’t wiped from his face.

‘Hey Doc,’ he motioned for her to come in, wiping his face absently.  ‘You don’t need to check up on me at home, I’m not doing anything stupid tonight.’

Dr Chakwas walked into his apartment and paced slowly, he could see she was nervous, upset.  ‘I have something to tell you and I don’t know if you’ll like it, where it’s coming from.’  She sighed and stopped to look him in the eyes.

‘Doc, what’s going on?’  A bad feeling settled in his gut as he saw the confusion on her face.

‘Shepard is alive.’

Joker stared at her, his mouth open his eyes wide in disbelief.  Was she deliberately trying to send him insane or was this her way of testing his resolve to deal with his problems.  It hurt to think that she would deliberately push him this way.

‘I never thought of you as a comedian doc,’ he tried to sound light-hearted but failed.

‘Jeff, I am telling you the truth.  Shepard is alive.’  She dropped onto the sofa and ran her fingers through her hair.  ‘I didn’t believe it either but if what I’ve seen is real then she is alive.’

‘That’s not possible!’  He glared down at her.  ‘I saw her get spaced, I watched her suffocate and fucking burn up!’  He fought to hold back tears, his nails cutting into his palms as he clenched his fists in anger.

‘I know, Jeff,’ Chakwas sighed.  ‘Please, sit down and hear me out.’

Joker scowled at her but sat down, he was trembling and his anger was simmering as he met her eyes.

‘Liara contacted me and told me that Shepard’s remains had been found, mercs were selling her to the highest bidder so she made sure that was her.  She got her hands on some specialised medical information and contacted the scientists to see what could be done.’  Chakwas took a deep breath.  ‘It was Cerberus.  They said they could bring her back so Liara gave them Shepard’s remains.’

Joker completely lost all sense of reality.  This had to be a nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from.  There was no way it could be true, it wasn’t possible.

‘They did it Jeff,’ Chakwas whispered, as if she didn’t believe it herself.

‘That’s not possible,’ Joker repeated himself.  ‘It has to be a clone, a VI of some sort.  How?  Why?’  His heart raced as he allowed himself to hope that there was some truth in what he was hearing.

‘Apparently they think she’s the only one who can defeat the Reapers and they’ve spared no expense in bringing her back.’  Chakwas glanced around the small apartment that Joker called home.  ‘Damn, I could do with a drink.’

‘So could I,’ Jeff limped into the kitchen and grabbed a half full bottle of whisky and two glasses, poured two fingers neat and handed one to the doctor before gulping down his own.  He refilled his glass and returned to the sofa with the bottle.

They sat in silence for several minutes, both lost in their own memories.  Shepard’s death had affected everyone deeply, it was as if the sun had gone out.  When the Alliance and Council swept everything under the carpet and insinuated that Shepard had been crazy a black hole opened up and sucked in the crew of the Normandy.

‘Are you sure about this, doc?’  Joker watched as Chakwas organised her thoughts.

‘I’ve seen the logs and vids, the medical procedures and the science behind it.  I can’t say I understand it all but it appears to be the truth.  Project Lazarus is what they’ve called it.’

‘Is there any way we can find out if this is true?’  Joker found himself grasping at hope.

‘Liara says they need a medical doctor to look after Shepard,’ she met Joker’s wide-eyed stare.  ‘They need a pilot for the ship they’re providing.’

‘Cerberus,’ Joker grimaced.  ‘If Shepard is really alive she won’t be eager to work with the organisation she tried to destroy.’

‘I know.’  Dr Chakwas held out her glass for a refill.  ‘Liara is contacting me tomorrow and I need to let her know if I’m interested in taking the job.  Of course I will actually need to see Shepard before I decide.’  She took a sip of her drink, ‘Are you interested in being their pilot?’

‘If they can prove that it really is Shepard then hell yeah,’ there was a flicker of release in his heart, a sliver of grief breaking at the thought of seeing her again but the vision of her dying was still too strong to ignore.  He would go with Chakwas, only to see for himself if any of this was true, if there was any redemption for him.

Chakwas stood up to leave, ‘I’ll tell Liara and see where we go from there.’

Joker walked her to the door, ‘I don’t know if Shepard will be happy if it is her they’ve brought back but if it is her and I can be there for her I have to be.’

He watched as Chakwas nodded her head in understanding then walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

**** 2 ****

Joker couldn’t believe it.  Six weeks had passed since they first found out about Shepard’s resurrection, two weeks since a shuttle had collected them from Mars and delivered them to wherever they were.  He had no idea.  They had been put up in pretty good accommodations on a station of some kind and questioned about their relationship with Shepard, their memories and their ability to help her once she was up and moving again.

Joker had answered their questions, put up with their probing but enough was enough.  He reached the point where he needed to know the truth, to see if it really was Shepard.  So now here he was, looking through the window of a medbay at a woman who if it wasn’t Shepard was a damn good copy.

‘So she’s not a clone or a VI,’ he asked for the third time.

‘No,’ the woman called Miranda gave an exasperated sigh.

The woman alongside him astounded Joker.  She was a taller than him, perfect hair, perfect skin and a perfect body, made more obvious by the one-piece body-hugging suit she was wearing.  It certainly didn’t leave much to the imagination.  And this woman was responsible for bringing Shepard back.

‘There are some cybernetics where we couldn’t use original tissue, a skin weave that is impossible to tell from the real thing and optical replacements, the optic nerves suffered serious damage and we didn’t want her to be blind so we cloned new ones.’  Miranda looked at a datapad in her hand.  ‘But for all that she is still Shepard, her brain is complete, her DNA is the same and all we can hope for is that her memories are intact.  We won’t know until she wakes up how much of Shepard remains.’

Joker looked back at the woman lying on the bed.  Her hair was shorter and she had a few more scars that Miranda assured him would eventually disappear.  If he didn’t know better he would think she was simply asleep, that almost two years hadn’t passed since she fell away from him into the hell that was Alchera.  It seemed like he’d known her forever but he still remembered the very moment he first saw her.

_‘Have you heard?  Commander Shepard is our new XO.’_

_‘Yeah,’ Joker snorted, ‘probably be some cold, hard ass marine that won’t give us the time of day.’_

_‘How can you say that,’ Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko gaped at him.  ‘She’s saved so many lives, given everything she has to do it.  Someone like that can’t be cold and hard.’_

_‘We’ll see,’ Joker smirked at him, ‘got a bit of hero worship goin’ on there Alenko?’_

_‘What’s not to worship, I’d be proud to fight alongside her?’_

_‘I’m sure you’ll get your chance, just don’t get in her sights, she doesn’t miss so I hear.’_

_‘Hundred per cent kill rate,’ a female voice spoke behind Joker and he spun his seat in surprise._

_He found himself lost for words as he looked into the most beautiful blue grey eyes he’d ever seen.  Dark auburn hair framed the face that held those eyes which twinkled at him as a smile played on light pink lips.  She raised an eyebrow and he floundered even more as colour rushed to his cheeks._

_‘Commander,’ he managed to get out and she laughed._

_‘What no witty comeback.  I hear you’re the king of comebacks.’_

_‘Give me a minute, I’m sure I’ll think of something,’ he couldn’t stop the grin that escaped._

_‘I’ll mark this one up to me then,’ she made a mark in the air with her finger and Joker chuckled.  ‘I think you’d better do something about that red light flashing on your console.’_

_‘Oh shit,’ Joker turned in a panic to see everything green and she laughed again.  Damn, she was going to be a challenge._

_‘Get us to the relay, flyboy,’ she chuckled._

_‘Yes, ma’am,’ his fingers were already working the controls as he heard her walk away.  He couldn’t resist the urge to look back and he groaned as he watched the perfect backside make its way to CIC._

_‘Now who’s got a case of hero worship,’ Alenko laughed._

_‘Ass worship, Alenko, there’s a difference,’ he worked his magic on the console but couldn’t see past the blue grey eyes that were burned into his view.  So much for a cold, hard ass, although that ass certainly didn’t look cold or hard.  Damn, he realised she’d got to him already, this was going to be an interesting mission._

‘I have other news for you, Mr Moreau,’ Miranda brought him back into the present and switched to a second data pad.  ‘We can assist with your illness as well.  We can give you the ability to walk unaided.’

Joker gaped at her, snapped his jaw shut then gaped at her again.  ‘How?’

‘The medical details are probably beyond your understanding but we have explained them to Dr Chakwas who believes this procedure will work for you.’  Miranda continued to study her data pad, there was no emotion in her voice and Joker wondered if she felt anything at all.  ‘The procedure will take several hours of surgery and several weeks of recovery but if you are willing to be Shepard’s pilot we are willing to do this for you.’

‘Hell yeah,’ Joker couldn’t’ keep the elation out of his voice.  ‘I’d like to speak to Dr Chakwas about this first though, person I can trust and all, you know.’

‘I would expect nothing less,’ Miranda simply raised her eyebrows.  ‘Ask Dr Chakwas to let me know when you are ready.’

Joker watched her walk back into the med bay to check on Shepard unable to believe that this was happening.  His world had been turned upside down, inside out and it didn’t seem to be slowing down any.  Shepard was alive.  He had the possibility of walking unaided.  He was getting a ship.  If it hadn’t been thanks to Cerberus it would have been perfect.  But if that was the only way for this to happen who was he to complain.

He took a long look at Shepard and realised he might have a chance at forgiveness, at being able to live again.  He might be able to tell her how he felt about her, something he had wanted to do for a long time but never had the guts.  He was being given another chance, perhaps the universe had taken pity on him.  All he needed was for Shepard to wake up.  He didn’t care if she blamed him and refused to have anything to do with him, as long as she was alive it didn’t matter.  For the first time in a long time he smiled a genuine smile then turned and went to find Dr Chakwas.

 

 

* * *

Joker walked the corridor to the communication room, still amazed at his ability to do it without crutches.  It had been six weeks of extreme pain, hard physiotherapy and sheer determination to get to this point but he had done it and it was worth it.  The doctors had told him that if he kept up his exercises eventually his limp would almost disappear.  He wasn’t cured but at least he wouldn’t break a bone just getting up out of his chair.

Now he just had to get down this corridor and he would find out if Shepard was as happy to see him as he was to see her.  His heart was in his mouth as he came to the doorway, he could hear her voice and it was beautiful, but he couldn’t stop the fear that closed its fist around his stomach.

He stood leaning against the wall, watching in wonder as the woman he had seen die two years earlier stood arguing with the Illusive Man and he couldn’t help the grin that broke out.

‘I’ve found a pilot I think you’ll like.’

He saw Shepard’s shoulders droop as the communication link disappeared and his grin faded as he realised how much of a shock this must be for her.  He felt the fear give way to concern and an instant need to protect her from despair, from loss and grief.  He couldn’t imagine what was going through her head, how she was coping with being brought back.  All he knew was that he wanted to help her, to be there for her.

‘Hey Commander, just like old times, huh.’

He watched her turn to face him and braced for the resentment and hate he felt he deserved.

‘Joker!’ she stared at him open mouthed and before he could say more she was across the room and hugging him tightly, her arms around his neck and her face buried in his shoulder.

It was the last thing he expected and he fell back against the wall, his arms instinctively closing around her.  He could smell her hair, the vanilla and cinnamon she always used, he’d loved that smell when it lingered in the cockpit after one of her nightly visits.  He could feel the heat from her body, the strength in her arms as she held him.  She was shaking and he was sure he heard a sob.  His own tears rolled down his cheeks, she was alive, this was really her.

‘Hey,’ he moved his hands, one to her lower back and one to the back of her head, his fingers entwining themselves in her hair.  Never for a moment did he think he would be holding this woman in his arms, comforting her.  Only in his dreams did he expect this, hope for this.  ‘It’s okay.’

‘Is it?’ her muffled voice cracked and she held him tighter, as if she was afraid he wasn’t real.  ‘You’re alive, you’re here.’

‘I’ll always be here,’ he whispered, unsure if she heard him.

Shepard lifted her head so she could look at him.  His familiar green eyes, tinged with pain and sadness, something that hadn’t been there before, the scruffy beard and of course his cap.  There were more creases than she remembered and she remembered his face like it was her own. She loved that face, it was home.

She placed her palm against his cheek and felt a shudder pass through him.  ‘It’s nice to see a friendly face.’  She gave him a weak smile.

‘It’s nice to see you alive,’ he smirked and then kicked himself inwardly as she closed her eyes to hold back more tears.  ‘What, you’d rather be dead than zooming around the galaxy with a handsome pilot who just happens to be the greatest pilot ever and you get to shoot things.’

She chuckled and he was rather pleased with himself.  Unfortunately she also pulled away and he felt cold where she had been leaning against him, but her hands still rested on his chest and his on her hips.

‘Zooming?’ she lifted an eyebrow and he grinned, it was so familiar.

‘Hey, limited vocabulary here,’ he feigned hurt and she laughed.  It was the sweetest sound he had ever heard.

‘What are you doing here, Joker?’ she met his eyes and he looked into the blue grey pools that even though they had been regrown were still hers.  ‘What did Cerberus offer you?’

‘You,’ he said bluntly and she gaped at him.  ‘They said they could bring you back and I wanted to be here if and when they did.’  He waited for the anger and disappointment to show on her face but she simply smiled.

‘Thank you,’ she reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Joker closed his eyes and wished this moment would last forever but that only happened in his dreams and he was awake.  He sighed and pulled himself upright letting his hands fall to his sides as she stepped back.

‘No crutches.’

‘Yeah, once I agreed to be your pilot they fixed my legs.  I can walk better but....,’

‘You still can’t dance,’ she finished and laughed.

‘Something like that,’ he laughed with her.

‘Well, if you’re my hotshot pilot where is my ship?’  She folded her arms over her chest and leaned on one hip and Joker smiled at the normality of her stance.

‘I think you’re going to like this,’ he took her hand and led her down the corridor to an observation deck, noticing the way her fingers locked with his, how perfectly her hand fit into his.  ‘I saw her for the first time last night.’

Shepard looked at him strangely and he nodded for her to look out the window.  Lights slowly came on to reveal the sleek sexy shape of a ship, but not just any ship, a frigate that could almost be the Normandy.  Joker heard her gasp and her grip on his fingers tightened.

‘She’s a little bigger, faster and stealthier than the SR-1 but she’s the same basic design.’  He gazed out the window enraptured with his new baby but he turned to face Shepard before adding, ‘she’s ours and she needs a name.’

‘She’s not the Normandy, Joker,’ Shepard stared at the ship before meeting his eyes that held nothing but warmth and tenderness and she felt a pang of jealousy that a ship could arouse him like that.  She had just got him back and she felt like she was losing him already.

‘No she’s not,’ he agreed and he turned around further so he was facing her and not the ship, lifting her hand that was still locked into his up to his chest, covering their clasped fingers with his other hand.  ‘The physical build is not what makes a ship, it’s the crew, the people who live within, they are the heart and soul of a ship.  You were the heart of the Normandy, she beat around you and she died with you.’  He couldn’t stop the pain that filled his eyes so he closed them.

She reached up and placed her other hand over his, moving closer to him, so close he could feel her breath on his face.  Slowly he opened his eyes to meet hers, saw sadness and regret within.

‘If I was the heart you were the soul,’ she said softly.  ‘The heart can’t survive without the soul so I guess if the heart and soul are intact and together something of the original survives.  Let’s hope we can make her happy.’

‘So,’ he looked at her with a questioning glance, ‘Should we name her in memory of those who gave the SR-1 life?’

‘Yes I think we should, and hope she lives up to her namesake.’

‘How can she not with the best pilot in the galaxy at her helm and the strongest warrior in the universe protecting her.’

‘Guess we’ll find out,’ she grinned at him, not the least bit interested in pulling her hand from his.

Joker was a part of her past, an important part and she didn’t want to let go.  He was her link to her sanity, her life, her future.  She remembered her last thought as she watched the Normandy break apart around her, her last thought had been of him, his green eyes, his sexy smile, his warped sense of humour.  He’d survived, he’d come for her, he was here for her.  They were together again and the galaxy somehow seemed a warmer place.

* * *

 

  
_I'd fight for you_   
_I'd lie, it's true_   
_Give my life for you_   
_You know I'd always come for you_   
_You know I'd always come for you_   


  
_No matter what gets in my way_   
_As long as there's still life in me_   
_No matter what, remember_   
_You know I'll always come for you_   


_**I'll Come For You** _

_****Nickelback** ** _


	3. Chapter 3

 

**** 3 ****

Arelia Shepard stood on the bridge and watched Joker spin to face her.  The last time she had been in this position she had been a Commander in the Alliance, now she was nothing.  She didn’t consider herself a Cerberus Operative, she would never be that.  But what did that make her?  She couldn’t see herself as anything other than Commander Arelia Shepard

‘Leather seats,’ Joker had a grin from ear to ear and Shepard couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Only the best for the best pilot,’ she tried to be serious but failed.

‘All I have to do now is get the ship up to my specs and everything will be great.’

‘Mr Moreau it is not advisable to make adjustments while the ship is in transit, it should be done while docked.’

‘And there is the downside,’ Joker grimaced.

Shepard had already met the AI and was undecided as to whether or not she agreed with having it on board, whether she could trust it.  Only time would tell.

She had come on board with Miranda and Jacob feeling completely overwhelmed and out of place.  Miranda had been quick to take control but Shepard had pulled her back into line, reminding her that she was in command.  Miranda hadn’t liked it but accepted it and to make it crystal clear she had ordered Joker to get them to the Citadel rather than Omega as Miranda suggested.  Jacob had simply smiled, saluted and gone back to his post in the armoury.

Then she’d walked the ship. It was bigger than the SR-1, brighter, the layout was different but there was so much the same and the memories flooded in. Meals in the mess with Joker, Kaidan and Ashley; conversations with Garrus while he worked on the Mako; Tali and Adams in engineering; Dr Chakwas in the medical bay; late night chats on the bridge with Joker.  For her it was only a few weeks ago.

Shepard had been surprised to see the doctor in the medical bay but she was extremely happy to see another familiar face.  She’d spent some time speaking to her about her condition after being brought back from the dead. Dr Chakwas had explained what had been done to her, what the ramifications were and what the benefits were.  She carried out a complete scan to update her records and Shepard was relieved to see that there were no chips controlling her thoughts, her mind or her body.  It seemed Cerberus had brought her back exactly as she was except for a few new parts and some new scars.  She’d asked about what happened after the Normandy went down but the doctor had been hesitant, almost as if she didn’t want to talk about it so Shepard had left it alone.

She’d spoken to Donnelly and Daniels in engineering and was surprised that they had left the Alliance in support of her.  They made it quite clear that they hadn’t joined Cerberus for any other reason than to work with her.

Eventually she stepped into her quarters and sucked in a deep breath. She was a little taken aback by the size of the room, the size of the bed and the size of the fish tank that took up almost all of one wall. Who would put a fish tank on a frigate? Then she looked up at the ceiling and stumbled against the wall. Space looked back at her, the glow of FTL flowing across the glass like waves on sand but the stars beyond seemed to call to her.  She couldn’t help the feeling that they were reaching for her, trying to take her back.  With a shiver she turned and left the room.

So now, here she was on the bridge with Joker, standing behind his chair just like she had on the SR-1, feeling safe again.  She didn’t want to be anywhere else right now so she made herself comfortable in the co-pilots chair.  For her it was only a short time ago that she did this.  _Two years._   She was finding it hard to wrap her mind around that.  Everything was still fresh, the destruction of the SR-1, the loss of her crew, the survival of others.  But they’d all moved on, left her behind.  She felt lost, she needed to grieve, to come to terms with her own death.  She needed time, something she obviously didn’t have.

‘Are you okay, Commander?’ Joker frowned as she sat down. She was pale and her hands were shaking. 

‘I will be,’ she said softly and looked over at him as he worked the controls.  He was here, he hadn’t left her behind.  But he had changed, everyone had changed except her.  There was something else going on with Joker, something she sensed more than saw.  ‘You don’t need to call me that any more either, I’m not a Commander.  I don’t know what I am.’  She looked down at her hands, fighting back tears, her emotions were running rampant and she was afraid of losing control.  She might not be Commander Shepard but she still needed to be strong in front of the crew.

Joker had to admit that he was worried, this wasn’t like the Arelia Shepard he knew, but he knew nothing about coming back from the dead either.  How do you grasp something like that, live with it, come to terms with it.  He’d done some research, knowing she would be coming back, but it hadn’t helped.  Those who had come back after a short period of death talked about a bright light and familiar faces, or they talked about nothing at all.  But they hadn’t been dead for almost two years.  He read up on coma patients but guessed it wasn’t the same.  Some coma patients spoke of being able to hear those around them, feel their loved ones.  For some it had helped to bring them back.  She hadn’t had anyone at her side that cared.  His heart was aching as he saw the doubt and fear in her eyes.

‘You’re the woman who led the fight against Saren and Sovereign, saved the Citadel and the Council, became the first human Spectre.  Took us through hell and brought us out alive.’  He waited until she met his eyes.  ‘You will always be Commander Shepard, it doesn’t matter what colour your uniform is or who pays the bills, it’s who you are.’  The forced half smile she gave him didn’t ease his concerns.

‘I need to know Joker, what happened to our old crew?’

‘Everything fell apart when you died,’ he sucked in a breath and looked down at the controls beneath his fingers. ‘The Council and the Alliance pretty much made out that you were crazy, that Saren had been responsible for the attack on the Citadel and there were no such things as Reapers.’ He grimaced and continued, ‘They grounded me, said I was unstable. Everyone else drifted away eventually.  You were the glue that held everything together, without you there was nothing to do, nothing to fight for.’

‘What about Kaidan?’ 

Joker snorted, ‘He didn’t disagree with the Alliance.  He didn’t defend you, didn’t stand up for you, he just disappeared after a while.’  Joker didn’t tell her that Kaidan had blamed him for her death, had put him in hospital after their rescue from Alchera when he took to him with his fists.  He didn’t tell her that he wished Kaidan had killed him so he didn’t have to live without her, although now he was glad he was still alive.  ‘I know you and he were close, I’m sorry you had to hear that.’

‘It’s alright,’ she gave a soft smile but he could sense her disappointment.  ‘Kaidan was always a soldier first.’

‘Scuttlebutt says there was something going on,’ he was fishing now, he’d heard the rumours and that had hurt, but he didn’t tell her that either.

‘No there wasn’t, he wanted more but I couldn’t give it,’ she sighed and looked out at the stars before shivering and turning to look at him.  

She was alive and sitting with him, talking to him.  He didn’t deserve the time she was giving him.  He tried to hide the guilt and regret in his eyes.  He looked away quickly but she reached across and placed her hand on his arm.

‘Joker,’ she pulled his chair around to face her. ‘What’s wrong?’

He couldn’t look at her.  He was glad his cap covered his eyes as he kept his head down and tried to pull his emotions under control, but he failed, ‘I’m sorry Shepard,’ there was a tremor to his voice and she moved out of the chair and knelt before him.  His breath caught in his throat as she looked up under his cap.

‘Joker, what is it?’  There was genuine concern in her voice and he trembled as she reached up and lifted his chin so she could see his eyes.

‘I killed you!’ he swallowed hard.  ‘If I hadn’t been so fucking stubborn you wouldn’t have died, things wouldn’t have fallen apart. I should have been the one to die with the ship not you.’

‘Joker, no,’ she held his face in both hands and he loved the feel of her fingers on his skin. ‘You were doing your job, just like I was.  It was your job to give the crew time to escape, it was my job to make sure the crew escaped.  I would have died for any of the crew, you of all people should know that.  That was my job, my responsibility.’

‘You died for me,’ Joker couldn’t hold back the sob that lingered in his throat, the tenderness and concern in her voice was killing him.  Why wasn’t she angry at him?  ‘I watched you get spaced, run out of air and burn up.  That was my fault.’

As if it was the most natural thing in the world she leaned into him and hugged him, pulling him into her shoulder as his tears fell.  She could feel her own tears building, the thought that he had been holding onto his guilt for two years was heartbreaking.  The thought that he believed he had killed her was devastating.

Joker let his tears fall, for so long he had carried the guilt, blamed himself.  But now Shepard was alive, she was here and she was holding him, hugging him, comforting him.  He slipped his arms around her and pulled her in close, feeling the life within her, feeling her heartbeat against his chest, her breath on his neck.  She didn’t blame him.  He wasn’t sure if he believed her but why would she say it if she didn’t mean it.  She had always told the truth so why would now be any different.  He felt relief wash through him and she must have sensed it because she pulled back and looked at him.

He finally met her eyes and what he saw took his breath away.  Tears rolled down her cheeks and her eyes held nothing but genuine concern, and something else that he couldn’t quite read. But her eyes were like pools of cool blue water and he wanted to dive in, to drown in their depths. He reached up and brushed her tears away, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her and for the first time in a long time he felt like he had a future that wasn’t dark and unwanted.

She reached up, took his hand in hers, and kissed it lightly.  ‘Joker, I don’t want you to blame yourself.  What happened is past, we’re here now, we have a future.’  She had been so sure he was going to kiss her, she was disappointed when he didn’t.  She surprised herself with the thought.

‘Yeah, as long as the Reapers don’t stuff that up, or we don’t all die on some suicide mission.’  He sniffed and rolled his eyes.

Shepard grinned at him, ‘There’s my ornery pilot I know and love.’  She stood up and flicked his cap, ‘I need coffee so let me know when we’re approaching the Citadel.’

‘Aye, aye ma’am,’ Joker grinned back.

She stepped away but before leaving she looked down at him, ‘Joker, I need you to do something for me.’

‘Anything,’ he looked up at her with a puzzled frown.

‘I need you to watch me.  I want you to tell me if I do anything that seems strange to you.’

‘What?  Why?’

‘Because you’re the only person, besides Dr Chakwas, on this ship that I trust to have my back.  I don’t know what they did to me when they brought me back, I don’t know if I should trust myself.’  She sighed and looked at the floor, ‘I’m worried they may have done something that’s not obvious.’

‘What, you think they spent all that money and not have the real thing?’

‘No, but they spent all that money and may want control of their investment,’ she grimaced.  ‘Promise me, Joker.  I need to know you’ll do it for me.’

‘Yeah, okay,’ he gave an exaggerated sigh and she chuckled.  ‘I promise that if you turn into some kind of zombie or psycho I’ll pull out my gun, once I find one, and shoot you.  I’ll probably miss because I’m not some hotshot with a hundred per cent kill rate though.’

‘That’s alright,’ she grinned, ‘I’ll probably have broken every bone in your body before you can pull the trigger.’

‘Shit, that’s encouraging,’ Joker shook his head.  ‘Maybe I should just hide under my chair instead.’

‘You can get down that low?’  She raised her eyebrows

‘What?  Of course I can, I’m not totally…’  He realised she was laughing at him.

She licked her finger and dragged it down through the air.  He groaned and then laughed as she winked at him.

‘You know you love me, Joker,’ she laughed and walked away.

_More than you know_.  He watched her walk away, he would never tire of that view, wondering if he ever stood a chance with the woman of his dreams. 


	4. Chapter 4

The weight of the galaxy sat heavily on Shepard’s shoulders as she returned to the Normandy.  It had been good to see Anderson again and even though he had doubts he had shown some level of trust, but there was still no support there.  At least the council had reinstated her Spectre status so she had some power available to her.

Her questions about her former crew, specifically Kaidan, had remained unanswered.  Her questions about the Reapers: dismissed.  She’d been gone two years and nothing had been done, time had been wasted, her warnings ignored.  What hope did humanity have?  She was one person, she couldn’t do this alone.  She felt that weight of the galaxy on her shoulders and they slumped as they never had before.

Joker watched her walk on board and he could see the slouch in her shoulders and the disappointment on her face.  She was hurting and that meant he was too.  With a sigh he pulled himself out of his chair and made his way to the mess.  That was where he found her, sitting quietly in a corner, her hands resting on the table amid a collection of datapads, her eyes staring into nothing.

‘Is the Commander okay,’ Rupert asked softly as Joker stepped up to the serving bench.

‘Yeah, she’s just got a lot on her mind,’ Joker glanced over at her.  ‘Can I have a Rupert special, I think she needs it.’

Rupert nodded, reached for the bottle of whisky under the counter and poured some into a freshly brewed black coffee from his top shelf stock.  Joker smiled and carried his offering over to Shepard.

‘You look like you need this,’ he sat beside her and slid the coffee under her nose.

She took a deep breath and her vision focused on the cup before her, ‘is this a Rupert special?’  Rupert had given her a special on the very first day and she had been extremely grateful for the thought.

‘Yep,’ Joker grinned and watched her take a sip.  She looked tired, disappointed, unhappy in every sense of the word.

She smiled softly as the whisky warmed her throat and the coffee awoke her senses.  She turned to look at Joker and found his green eyes watching her, his concern obvious.  His arm was warm where it rested against hers and she found comfort in that.  She found comfort simply being in his presence, he was her support, her rock.  She wondered if she could ever tell him that.

‘I take it the Council was helpful as always and the Alliance didn’t want to know you.’  The feel of her arm against his was exciting and Joker was amazed that someone so strong and capable could feel so soft.  Then he realised, her skin was new, basically the skin of a newborn, but it felt wonderful.

‘I got my Spectre status back,’ she sighed heavily, ‘but the last two years and everyone who died saving the Citadel count for nothing.’  She dropped her head and Joker was afraid she was going to break down and cry.  Instead she inhaled sharply, sipped her coffee and looked him in the eyes, ‘I guess it’s just us against the galaxy.’

‘And this is new because….,’ he raised his eyebrows and nudged her shoulder. 

‘With the best pilot in the galaxy at the helm and Commander fucking Shepard on the guns how could we lose?’  She laughed softly and took his hand, ‘looks like we’re in this together again.’

‘Wouldn’t have it any other way,’ he squeezed her hand gently and marvelled at her ability to pull on her Commander persona.

‘Guess we’d better start gathering our team,’ she stood up and helped him to his feet.  ‘Once the crew are back on board get us to Omega, we’ll start with Archangel.’

‘Yes ma’am,’ he reluctantly released his hold on her hand and headed back to the bridge.

Shepard took her mug back to Rupert, ‘Thanks,’ she smiled as he nodded.

‘Thanks for getting those supplies, Commander.  I can now give the crew some decent meals, keep their strength up and all that.  And Commander,’ he hesitated, as if unsure he should continue, ‘some of us are here because of you, because we believe in you.’

‘Thanks, Rupert.’  And with that she headed to CIC to go through the files on her new team members.

* * *

Joker had to give credit where it was due and right now that was Cerberus.  As much as he hated them, hated working for them, they had provided the best of everything, the latest technological advances, weaponry and a ship that was more advanced than its predecessor.  Then there were the suit recorders that the ground team wore, they’d had audio feeds before but now he got to witness the ground team in action.

The mercenary Cerberus had recruited didn’t seem the least bit fazed that his new boss was Commander Shepard.  In fact he didn’t appear to have any respect for anyone, especially the prisoner he was more than happy to lay his boot into.  Joker could see from Jacob’s camera feed that Shepard wasn’t impressed, even less so when Massani shot him.  From the look on Shepard’s face she wasn’t happy at all.

He switched to her private frequency, ‘Hey, Commander, should I lock the door so he can’t come in?’

‘No, I’ve got plenty of time to piss of TIM, Massani might be useful.’  She chuckled before adding, ‘might be nice if decon malfunctions and electrocutes him though, just a little.’  She looked directly at Jacob’s camera and smiled, but he noted that it hadn’t reached her eyes.  He also noticed the dark circles around her eyes.  Why hadn’t he seen those before?

He thought about it for a moment and realised that she’d been spending most of her nights curled up in the co-pilot’s seat when he was on duty.  Sometimes she slept and he’d let her, simply enjoying having her near.  He’d assumed that when he wasn’t there she slept in her own bed.  But looking at her now he wondered if she was sleeping at all.  The overwhelming urge to care for her kicked in and he promised he would take more notice.

He’d never been to Omega, at this point he was glad of that.  It didn’t look like the kind of place where safety and personal space were important.  It was a rough, dirty and no rules apply kind of place from what he could see.  But there were some things that never changed.  It seemed that bars were the same wherever they were, which meant right now that involved watching half-naked Asari dancers as Shepard paid the required visit to the self-proclaimed queen of Omega, Aria T’Loak in Afterlife. 

‘Enjoying the view?’  Shepard deliberately turned so he could see the dancers on the bar and he could picture the grin on her face.

‘Most definitely,’ he chuckled, she didn’t have to know he was looking at the feed from Jacob’s suit, who only seemed to have eyes for Shepard’s rear.

‘Hey, Jacob,’ he opened his private channel, ‘the Commander’s back is a bit higher.’

‘What?  I wasn’t…’  Jacob spluttered and Joker laughed.  ‘Nice view though,’ he muttered.

Shepard’s view was still facing the bar and while he appreciated the beauty and fluid grace of the Asari, not to mention the amount of visible flesh, he no longer wanted the private dance or their skin under his hands.  Once that would have been a turn on for him but now he was more interested in listening to the conversation between Shepard and Aria.  Shepard had asked him to watch her back and he wasn’t about to break that trust.

It wasn’t long before Shepard was on the move, joining up with mercenary forces to take down Archangel.  Joker watched as she made her way through the station, questioned leaders, asked about plans and sabotaged mechs.  There was a quiet confidence that radiated from her and even through the camera Joker could feel the aura that was Commander Shepard.  He kept his eyes on Jacob’s feed most of the time as he was actually watching Shepard’s back, watching for anything or anyone that might be a danger to the woman he followed.

When the shooting started Joker was torn between wanting to look away and keeping his eyes glued to the screen.  He had never seen the ground team in action before and he was amazed at how they worked, mostly together.  Miranda and Jacob had yet to come to terms with Shepard’s methods but they were slowly getting the message. 

On previous missions, before Cerberus, he had listened to the sounds of battle, listened to the battlefield banter, occasionally throwing in a comment.  He had a horrible feeling that he should have kept his mouth shut, as hard as that was sometimes.  The wrong word at the wrong time could be a major distraction.  He hated the thought that he might have been responsible for someone getting hurt so he stayed quiet.

Shepard was awesome to watch.  Every shot was a clean hit, usually a head shot.  She walked the battleground confidently and quietly, ducking into cover, rolling away from danger and studying the area like a lion stalking its prey.  She was beautiful, intoxicating and deadly.

Joker couldn’t stop the feelings that washed over him.  _He wanted to feel her lips on his,_ _to feel the strength in her arms as they wrapped around him, to lay with her in his arms, their naked skin touching, bodies intertwining.  He wanted to taste every part of her, feel every part of her, have her hands on his……._

‘Mr Moreau, do you require the assistance of Dr Chakwas?’  EDI brought him down to earth with a thump.

‘What?  No, why would I?’  He felt the blood rush to his face where moments ago it had been further south and he pulled his cap lower.

‘My readings show elevated temperature, heart rate and a state of nervous tension.’

‘No, I’m fine,’ he almost snapped at the blue orb.

‘I am certain that Commander Shepard will be fine too.’  Was the damn AI smirking at him?

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I can only assume that if you are fine then you are concerned about Commander Shepard since your readings have become elevated while watching the feed from the ground team.’

‘Of course I’m concerned, she’s my Commanding Officer and she’s under fire.  It’s the first time I’ve been able to watch what goes on.’  Why he was explaining to an AI he had no idea.

‘I will remember that for future reference,’ and now it sounded like the AI was laughing at him.

He much preferred the Normandy when she was quiet.  With a mumbled curse he went back to watching the camera feed.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**** 5 ****

Garrus! Archangel was Garrus! Joker chuckled at the joy on Shepard's face. Garrus had been her closest friend even more so than Kaidan on the SR-1. He was another piece of her past and right now she needed that.

They took down merc after merc, they were almost on their way out when the gunship appeared and Garrus took a missile to the face. He lay dying in a pool of blood. Shepard roared and became like a wild animal as she took down the gunship. Joker was terrified as he watched her stand and shoot, her shields diminishing with every shot from the gunship. His heart was racing and he was half out of his chair before she finally dropped into cover. Jacob and Miranda overcame their surprise and finally there was quiet as the last of the mercs went down.

'Doc, medical emergency at the airlock,' Joker announced, his voice surprisingly calm considering his pounding heart. 'Garrus is hurt pretty bad.'

Chakwas was there within minutes, in time to help Shepard lay Garrus on a stretcher and carry him to the medbay. Joker watched them disappear through the CIC, he could see that Shepard was upset, not that she'd show it but he had been around her long enough to know her tells. He hoped beyond hope that Garrus would be all right, he wasn't sure if Shepard was ready to handle his death.

Eventually he heard footsteps behind him and watched as Shepard dropped into the co-pilot's chair. She had showered and the smell of her shampoo wafted around him, he held in the shiver that threatened to give him away. Not that Shepard would have noticed, she was staring blankly out the window.

'Hey, Commander,' Joker tried to keep the concern out of his voice. 'It's great to have Garrus back.'

She didn't respond, only nodded and he could see she was fighting back tears. He felt a whole new wave of emotions pass over him, he wanted to protect her, comfort her, hold her. He wanted to make the pain go away.

I'm sure he'll be okay,' Joker turned to face her, 'he's got the best doctor in the galaxy working on him.' The tiredness in her body and the paleness of her face worried him even more now that he could see her clearly. Maybe he should talk to Dr Chakwas about his concerns.

She glanced at him and his heart almost broke at the pain in her eyes. Maybe she cared for Garrus as more than a friend, that was a disappointing thought and he looked away to hide his own hurt.

'I shouldn't be here, Jeff,' she whispered and he stared at her in stunned silence, she didn't call him by name very often and it made his stomach do flip flops but the desolation in her voice scared him to death. 'I haven't done anything to deserve to be alive. Why me?'

Joker was speechless. He fought to find the right answer as he realised the seriousness of her question. She didn't need his wise cracks, she needed actual support, reassurance, and that wasn't easy for him. But he wasn't quick enough. She got up and turned to leave.

'Wait,' he struggled out of his chair and grabbed her arm.

She turned to help him as he almost fell onto her, her hands gently gripping his arms and pulling him in towards her to help balance him.

_Way to go idiot,_ Joker cursed himself silently, _make her support the cripple._

'I need …. We need you here, the galaxy needs you. You are an amazing woman, you give us hope for the future.' He realised they were still holding onto each other and, as much as he didn't want to, he stepped back. 'You deserve to be here more than I do, you should never have died in the first place.'

Now she stared at him in stunned silence, she opened her mouth to speak then closed it again. He could see a range of emotions running across her face as she looked at him.

'Joker,' she shook her head and he was disappointed she hadn't used his name. 'I'm sorry. I wish you wouldn't feel guilty, I wish I could take back the last two years and take away your pain but I can't.' A tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away. 'I would give anything to make you realise you weren't responsible for my death, please stop blaming yourself, please let the past be the past and move on. If you can't do it for yourself do it for me.'

'No, wait, that wasn't what I meant,' he rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, hoping he could get the words to come out right. 'You are a warm, caring person and yet you have a strength that most people find intimidating. You are a hero and yet you spend time with me, the ornery cripple who everyone else feels sorry for.' He took her hand and met her eyes, 'If I could go back two years and do things differently I would and I have to live with the fact that I can't. But you're here now, we have hope for the future, you are a bright star in a dark universe and we need your light to guide us. Humanity can fight, can defend itself but we need you to show us the way. You have a fire inside you that ignites us all, makes us want to fight, to live, to be heroes. That's why you need to be alive.'

'Wow,' for a moment the pain was gone and there was a softness in her eyes as she held his hand tighter, 'have you been rehearsing that?'

'No,' he smirked and she chuckled. 'Just telling it how I see it.' He looked into her blue eyes and the tenderness in his eyes made her breath catch in her throat. 'I know that you belong here with m… with us. Even the universe understands that or it wouldn't have given you back.'

'Thanks, Joker,' she brushed his cheek with her free hand and he almost leaned into it. 'I'm going to check on Garrus.'

'See ya, Commander,' he grinned as he slipped back into his seat, turning to watch her walk away, wishing he had the guts to tell her how he felt.

* * *

Joker was amazed, overwhelmed and partly annoyed. Mordin Solus never shut up. He'd been on board for two days and Joker was already thinking up ways to avoid him. The Salarian meant well, he had no doubt about that, but damn he could talk.

He'd found out about Joker's disease and pounced on him almost immediately. Asked question after question, absently coming up with his own answers until Joker's head was spinning.

'Interesting disease,' Mordin had mused. 'No cure but possible treatments could be expanded. Heavy bone weave may work but complications in application. Bone replacement possible but problematic. Must consider other options.'

Joker had sighed in relief when Mordin walked away, still muttering to himself. His hands were busy on the controls as they headed towards the relay and back to the Citadel to collect their next team member. That didn't stop him from falling into memory.

_His tirade finished he'd glanced up at Shepard to see a surprised look on her face._

' _I'm sorry, Joker, I didn't even know you were sick.'_

_Oh damn, his mouth had run away without him again. So, with his usual sarcastic flair he explained his disease and was a little shocked that Shepard hadn't stepped away or looked at him with pity._

' _Put the Normandy in my hands and I'll make her dance for you, just don't ask me to dance unless you like the sound of snapping shin bones.'_

_Shepard nodded, asked a couple of questions then softly placed her hand on his shoulder._

' _So, no dancing, no running or other general physical activity.' She seemed to think about that for a moment. 'Guess we'll just have to find something quiet to do together to get acquainted, can you play chess?'_

' _What! Yeah, pretty good actually. Had to find something to pass the time.'_

' _Great,' she smiled and Joker was taken aback by the openness of it. She fiddled with her omnitool and his pinged._

_He opened it up to see a three dimensional chessboard and as he watched a pawn moved forward._

' _It's your move, flyboy,' she chuckled and walked away._

_Once again he was struck speechless. How did she manage to do that to him? He had never felt so challenged by a person before, most people took his warped humour and sarcasm the wrong way and wanted nothing to do with him. Shepard seemed to be exactly the opposite, the more he gave her attitude the more she seemed to like him. And damn if he didn't like her back._

'Hope Mordin isn't bothering you too much,' Shepard's voice brought him back to the present.

'He never shuts up,' Joker rolled his eyes in mock frustration and she laughed.

'Yeah, noticed that.' She dropped into the co-pilots chair and sighed.

'You okay, Commander?' Joker glanced at her and worry creased his brow. The dark circles were even more obvious and she looked exhausted.

'I'm fine, just want to get this done. I want to get away from Cerberus, I want to save humanity, I need to get someone to believe me about the Reapers. Is that too much to ask?'

'You're asking me. I'm only the pilot around here, you're the one who gets to make the big decisions.'

'Thanks for the support,' she reached over and swatted him playfully on the arm.

'Ow, watch the arm.' As soon as he said it he wanted to take it back. Memory flashed through his mind, they were almost the last words he'd said to her before….., well, before he'd watched her die.

'Joker,' she sensed him slipping into memory and pulled him back. 'By the way, it's your move. I'm going to get coffee, you want one?' She brushed her hand across his shoulder and he nodded as his omnitool pinged and their unfinished chess game popped up before him. She'd started a game the day she came on board, it was as if she needed the normality, familiarity, of it. 'Back soon.'

* * *

Joker glanced behind him, _nope, still not coming_. Shepard had been gone over an hour and he was wondering what had held her up. She was supposed to be bringing back coffee and it wasn't like her not to keep her word. Besides, he wanted to gloat over getting her into checkmate.

'EDI, where is Commander Shepard?'

'The Commander is in the starboard observation lounge.'

'What's she doing there?' He threw a puzzled glance at the blue orb beside him.

'She appears to be sleeping.'

'What?' He spun his chair and stood up, 'watch the helm, I'm taking a break.'

He opened the door to the observation lounge and found it in semi-darkness. The shutter was closed and the lights were dimmed, not quite all the way off. As his eyes adjusted he made out a form lying on one of the lounges and realised that Shepard was asleep. She was curled up into a tight ball and she was shivering.

Joker turned around and walked into the crew quarters before returning to where Shepard lay and gently placing his blanket over her. The lounges weren't exactly soft or comfortable and he was curious as to why she was sleeping here. He crouched beside her, ignoring the subtle pains his legs sent his way, and gently brushed the hair from her face, his hand lingering longer than it should. It was the most relaxed he'd seen her since coming back. She was beautiful and right now extremely vulnerable, and she would hate it that he'd seen her like that. It reminded him of a song his mother used to sing when he was feeling down from surgery or when he'd come home from school in tears because the other kids had been picking on him. He found himself humming it softly.

_You are so beautiful to me  
Can't you see  
You're everything I hoped for  
You're everything I need  
You are so beautiful to me  
_

She stirred under his hand so he pulled back and stood up, he didn't want to wake her. He needed to know why she was sleeping down here, why she wasn't sleeping at all sometimes. Quietly he left the room, ordered EDI to make sure the Commander wasn't disturbed and took the elevator to her quarters. After convincing EDI that it was in the Commander's best interests that he enter he found himself staring dumfounded at the huge fish tank that took up almost all of the wall. Who would put a fish tank on a frigate?

There was nothing personal about this room, nothing that was Shepard. It was huge by Alliance standards, but this wasn't an Alliance ship. He looked around at the desk, the oversize bed, the small lounging area and as much as he was impressed, he couldn't see why Shepard didn't want to sleep here. Then he looked up.

'Fuck!' He glanced around but couldn't find what he needed. 'Fuck,' he cursed angrily as he turned and left the room.

Joker stormed into Miranda's quarters without bothering to knock. He didn't notice Garrus and Dr Chakwas following him, they'd seen his angry, hurried pace as they spoke in the mess.

'Who the fuck puts a window above a bed on a frigate and doesn't have a shutter on it.' Joker was leaning ominously over Miranda's desk, partly to get in her face and partly to hold himself up.

'What?' Miranda pushed back, an incredulous stare on her face. 'I don't…..'

'There is a fucking huge window directly above Shepard's bed and no way to cover it.'

'And the problem is?' Miranda pulled herself together quickly.

'Shit,' Garrus muttered behind him and Joker glanced at him.

'That explains a few things,' Dr Chawas agreed.

'They get it,' Joker pointed from one to the other. 'Put your perfect brain to work and figure out why Shepard has not been sleeping in her cabin. In fact she's probably not sleeping much at all because she has nowhere to sleep where she won't get woken up.'

Miranda shook her head, still trying to get over the invasion of her privacy and the dressing down she was getting from someone she considered beneath her. She was about to throw back a dressing down of her own but Joker spoke first.

'She was fucking spaced!' He shook his head in disbelief. How could this so-called genius of a woman not get the connection? 'She was sucked out into the void that is now so clearly over her head every time she lies down to sleep. Not that I think she's even used the cabin since coming on board.'

'PTSD,' Chakwas nodded and beside her Garrus muttered agreement.

'Oh,' Miranda finally got it and Joker was gratified by the shock on her face.

'We will be at Illium in a few days, I suggest you do something about it. You want Shepard at her best she needs to sleep.' Joker was relieved to see her nodding in agreement and with a nod to Garrus and Chakwas he made his way back to the bridge.

He'd finally been able to help Shepard in a way that didn't involve being on the ground team or firing a gun. It was a small thing but he allowed himself a moment of pride as he settled himself back in his seat. Damn, he realised belatedly, he hadn't got his coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine Joker has his own share of PTSD episodes, especially after the SR-1 going down, not that he'd admit it. I would have thought that dying in the void of space would trigger the same in Shepard, even though she wouldn't show it. Loss of control, dying and all that.
> 
> And who does put a huge window without a shutter on a space ship, the observation lounges have them so why not the one in Shepard's quarters. Hello boys, there's a big window there we can break and board through. Really?!
> 
> PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (just in case you didn't know)
> 
> The song Joker refers to – You Are So Beautiful To Me by Joe Cocker.
> 
> Everything belongs to Bioware - unfortunately - I'm just having my way with them.


	6. Chapter 6

**** 6 ****

Sleep slowly gave way and Shepard realised there was a blanket over her. She panicked a little at the thought of someone being able to approach and she hadn't woken up. With a sigh she accepted that she had been exhausted, she'd only planned to put her head down for a moment. Seems her body had other ideas.

She sat up with the blanket still wrapped around her and recognised the scent, a hint of sandalwood and leather with a touch of citrus. Joker. She knew his scent so well, she'd come to recognise it on the SR-1 and the familiarity of it now made her feel safe. Like her, he'd refused to use Alliance issue soap, said it made his skin itch. She actually believed it was his way of bucking the system, in a small way, but bucking it nonetheless.

She grinned as she thought about him. His sarcasm and biting tones made most people uncomfortable, made him a bit of a loner because no-one took the time to see past it. It was his defence mechanism, she'd realised that the moment she found out about his disease. She knew that because she did exactly the same thing, she had since she was a kid, they'd moved around so much because of her parents postings that she'd given up on making friends. It was safer to be alone.

Don't let anyone get too close, you'll only get hurt. She'd forgotten that and allowed herself to care for a marine on her team. He died on Elysium. He died trying to save her life because he loved her. She knew he was going to ask her to marry him while they were on leave, to this day she didn't know what she would have answered.

When she'd first boarded the Normandy she'd seen the two gorgeous men sitting on the bridge and knew they would be temptation. She'd promised herself, no matter what, the closest they'd get was friends. That hadn't worked. Kaidan had wanted more, he made that obvious when they were alone, but he was a marine on her ground team, she couldn't go through that again. He was hurt and disappointed but they had remained friends, eventually becoming good friends, although she was sure he had deeper feelings than her.

Joker was a different story. She had immediately been drawn to his wise cracking, warped sense of humour. When she had ignored his automatic defences and wormed her way under his skin she had found his soft heart. He knew it, as much as he tried to keep her out she still found a way in. They had become best friends. She had let him in, he wasn't on her ground team, she couldn't lose him to a bullet or explosion.

But she did lose him. She lost him to death, her death. Her last thought had been of him, her last wish was for him to survive, to live. And he had lived, he'd lived to blame himself, to suffer the guilt of surviving. Tears threatened as she tried to imagine what he had gone through, what he had suffered. Her heart ached and she wanted to take away his pain, to not have him go through it but she couldn't. All she could do now was help him get past it, they both needed to get past it. To get back to what they had, maybe discover the possibilities of more.

Her mouth popped open as she realised where her thoughts had gone. She wanted more, needed more. She'd been alone for so long and then she'd died. Her life, now she thought about it, had been empty. Until Joker. The friendship they shared was real, it warmed her heart, he warmed her heart. He'd taken her heart she realised but what would come of it. She couldn't allow herself to think about that, they had a mission to complete, a war to fight. Maybe, when it was over.

With a sigh she snuggled into his blanket, drinking in his scent, before finally standing up and pulling on Commander Shepard. This was how it had to be. It really was her only choice, wasn't it?

'Hey, Commander,' Gardner called her over as she passed through the mess.

'What is it, Rupert?'

'Thought you might like to try a bit of what I've cooked up with the supplies you got us.' He stirred the pot behind him and lifted out a spoonful. Shepard leaned forward then hesitated and raised her eyes to look at him. 'Yes, I washed my hands.' He sighed in mock frustration then watched in delight as she rolled the sample around in her mouth and smiled.

'That's pretty good.'

'Glad you like it,' he beamed. 'Thanks for getting us some good stuff, I can cook decent meals now.'

'Anything will be better than what we've been getting,' Joker commented as he approached the bench. 'It's really good?' He looked at Shepard and she grinned as she nodded. 'Guess that's lunch then. You in?'

'Why not, reports can wait,' she took the bowls from Rupert.

Joker sat down and was surprised when Shepard sat beside him, closer than she needed to. He knew he should move away but he didn't. He felt the warmth of her thigh as it rested against his and couldn't stop the elation that washed over him, aroused him and awoke feelings he tried so hard to hide. As if sensing his thoughts she chuckled.

'Something funny?' He glanced at her before concentrating on his food.

'No, just enjoying the moment, don't get to do that often enough.' She took in a mouthful of food and gave moan of pleasure. 'This is really good.'

'Didn't realise food was such a turn on,' Joker quipped as he took a mouthful of his own.

'Really, I would have thought some of those extranet sites you love would have mentioned the fun you can have with food. It's amazing what you can do with whipped cream.'

Joker spluttered his food back into the bowl and coughed as he tried to swallow the rest. Images of whipped cream in all the wrong places, well could be right places, jumped into his head. He glanced at her, his face red and his eyes wide but she kept her eyes forward. She knew he'd taken it the wrong way and he knew she was fighting to hide her grin.

'It's even better with chocolate sauce,' he casually took another mouthful of food as beside him it was Shepard's turn to splutter. 'Especially if it's warm.' He laughed as she almost choked and he patted her gently on the back. 'Something wrong, Commander?'

'No,' she forced her words out through heaving breaths. 'Wrong hole.' She stuttered.

Joker's mind went into immediate overload. Thoughts of holes, whipped cream, chocolate sauce and Shepard really did not belong in the same image. _Shit! Are we really flirting with each other? Where did this come from?_ He tried to pull his thoughts under control as he ate.

Beside him Shepard was trying to do the same. Thoughts of chocolate sauce in certain places and licking it off was something she didn't want to think about right now. She concentrated on her food but she couldn't ignore the heat of his leg against hers. From the grin on his face she guessed he was thinking along the same lines. _Shit!_ They were heading into dangerous territory. Question was, did she want to turn around. _Focus, Shepard._

'I wanted to thank you, by the way,' she fought to bring the conversation back to something normal.

'For what?'

'For the blanket,' she finally allowed herself to look at him, almost gasping aloud as his green eyes met hers, 'and for making sure I wasn't disturbed.'

'You're welcome,' he met her stare and was glad to see that the dark circles had faded. 'Hope you didn't drool on it too much.'

'I'm sure I kept it dry,' she chuckled as she picked up their empty bowls and placed her free hand on his. She was a little surprised that he hadn't asked why she was asleep when he found her but she appreciated his quiet support. 'It means a lot to me, that you cared enough to let me sleep and let me use your stuff.' Without waiting for an answer she stood up, took their bowls back to Rupert and left the mess, throwing him a smile before she disappeared.

Joker made his way back to the bridge, his mind in turmoil. He wasn't sure if his heart should be soaring, screaming in excitement or if it should be looking for the darkest corner it could find to hide in. What was he doing? She'd slipped in under his defences and now he couldn't get her out, didn't want to get her out. A memory of the last person he'd let in flashed into his thoughts and for a moment he wondered if he should put the barriers back up. If he should stop this before he got hurt, let down.

If he was honest he didn't want to stop whatever was going on between them, especially if there was a chance she felt the same way. _Damn! What the fuck do I do now?_ As he slid into his chair he realised that he didn't have to do anything. He could wait, see what happened, see if Shepard was willing to make a move, if there was something there. Feeling a little more settled he fell back into the familiar routine of flying.

* * *

'Commander,' Joker called her as she approached the airlock, armoured and ready to go.

'What is it, Joker?'

He watched as the prison station Purgatory grew larger, 'I've got a bad feeling about this,' he glanced up at her, 'be careful.'

'Always,' she placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. 'Stay on your toes.'

He heard Garrus come up behind him, 'Ready, Shepard?'

'Yeah, let's do this,' she sighed and moved back to the airlock.

'Don't worry,' Garrus patted Joker's shoulder and leaned down to speak in his ear, 'I'll take care of her for you.'

Joker gaped up at him and Garrus chuckled. What the….? How? Never mind, focus, mission. Worry about the rest later. He forced his thoughts back to docking the ship. He couldn't explain it but his gut was churning and he really didn't want to get anywhere near this place. He definitely didn't want Shepard going on board.

'Docking lock engaged,' he cycled through the lock down. 'Good to go, Commander.' He spun his chair and she smiled at him before walking off the ship.

* * *

He knew it! Everything had gone to hell! He watched the suit feed as Shepard, Garrus and Jacob fought their way through the prison ship. The prisoner they had come to collect was already ahead of them and from what he could see she wasn't worrying about who was in her way. She looked out of control, terrifying as she tossed everything ahead of her with biotic throws more powerful than anything he'd seen before.

'Mr Moreau, I have enabled the feed from the prison security system. Some of the prisoners are heading for the Normandy.' The feed appeared before him, he watched as guards and prisoners took to each other with whatever weapons they could find. Others were just looking for a way out.

'We need security at the airlock,' he heard the sound of feet behind him and was relieved to see Miranda, as much as he didn't want to see her, and Kasumi with a couple of the crew take up a position by the lock.

'What's going on?' Miranda motioned for the crew members to move into the docking tube.

'All hell's broken loose, that's what,' he snapped. 'The fucking warden wanted to take Shepard prisoner and now all the prisoners are loose. Some are heading our way and I really don't think you want them on board.'

'That wouldn't be wise,' Kasumi took a defensive stance by the hatch. 'How's Shep doing?'

'Working her way through the place,' he glanced up at the suit feed and jumped as a guard suddenly appeared in Garrus's face. 'Damn,' he cursed and began cycling through the release procedure, he guessed they'd be leaving in a hurry.

'Make sure we're ready to leave,' Miranda instructed and moved to the hatch.

'Already on it,' he muttered, his eyes glancing from the suit feed to the controls beneath his fingers. _Shit, knew this was going to go bad!_ His stomach was churning as he thought about how much worse this could get. They were shooting inside a space station, one wrong shot and ….., well he really didn't want to think about that right now. He couldn't afford to think about that.

'Joker?' Shepard's voice cut through his thoughts.

'Already on it, Commander,' he repeated, she trusted that he knew what to do and he wasn't about to let her down. The sound of gunfire just outside and the sound of weapons being cocked behind him didn't do much to help his churning guts. He really wished Shepard was on board right now and not just so he knew she was safe. 'Better hurry, Shepard, we've got company coming.'

* * *

'Damn, Shepard,' Joker kept his eyes on his controls as she slipped into the seat alongside him. 'That was a bit closer than I'd like, that would have been worse than Feros.' He tried to ignore the scent of her shampoo, the damp hair that hung on her neck and the grin she threw his way.

'Thought you might like some excitement,' she raised her eyebrows at him as he glanced at her.

'I can think of easier ways to get my kicks, thank you very much.'

'Really,' she leaned towards him, 'care to share.' The look she gave him was enough to stop the breath in his chest.

'I could, but I'd rather keep my secrets,' he waggled his eyebrows at her, 'be a man of mystery.'

'I have ways of making you talk,' she got up and moved beside him, her hand running down his arm.

He fought to stop the shiver that passed through him. 'You're not threatening to torture me, are you Commander?' He hoped she didn't realise how much she already was.

'Only if you make me,' she bent down and whispered in his ear, her breath on his neck giving him goose bumps, before standing up to leave. 'I'd better go check on our newest addition.'

'Hey, Commander,' he was surprised at how steady his voice sounded, 'you should watch that one.'

'Had every intention,' she brushed her hand across his shoulder as she moved away. 'Better get us to Korlus, have another team member to collect.'

Joker looked back to watch her walk away, still trying to wrap his head around their conversation. As much as he was enjoying it he wondered why they suddenly seemed to have become more personal, intimate, flirty. Things had changed since he'd found her asleep and given her his blanket. Was that all it took to awaken feelings she'd been hiding? Had he got under her skin simply because he cared? It couldn't be that easy, could it?


	7. Chapter 7

**** 7 ****

'Hey Commander,' Joker watched her slip into the seat beside him and couldn't help but notice the dark circles around her eyes and the pale colour of her face. Damn Cerberus for turning her into a sleepless wreck. 'A Krogan, really. You didn't have enough with Wrex?'

'He's only a baby,' she gave him a pout that didn't quite work and he laughed.

'Yeah but what about when he goes through puberty, you gonna give him the birds and bees talk. Do you even know the talk for a Krogan? And when his hormones kick in and he needs to hit something it's your fault if he damages the ship.'

'I was actually going to leave that talk to you, male bonding and all that,' she laughed at the mortified look he gave her, but even her laugh sounded tired.

'I'll pass,' he shook his head, 'I like my bones intact.'

'Aren't you supposed to be off duty?' She frowned at him.

'Not tired, dozed earlier so figured I'd make up the time.'

'You need to rest, Joker. I need you at your best.'

'Says she who isn't sleeping either,' he glanced at her, worried that he'd said too much, given away his concerns.

'You'd better set a course for Horizon then, apparently TIM has intel that the colony is about to get hit. How he knows is a question I'd really like answered.' She gave a deep sigh, dropped her head back against the headrest and Joker realised she'd changed the subject to deflect the truth. He wasn't sure if it was frustration or anger on her face as he turned to look at her. Exhaustion was taking its toll and she closed her eyes for a moment.

'Kaidan is there.'

_Shit!_ Joker dropped his eyes to the controls. He and Kaidan used to be friends, but that was before Shepard, before Alchera. He had his doubts about Kaidan being glad to see her, but he wouldn't voice them to her. She'd said it herself, he was a soldier first and she was the enemy now. He wanted to protect her from the hurt he guessed was coming but she would hate him for it, for not allowing her the choice. It was something she valued, the ability to choose her own path, her own future, which is why she found it hard to accept working with Cerberus. They'd pretty much forced her into it, not to mention all the horrible shit they'd done. As much as it hurt, he knew he had to let her go through this. All he could do was be there to pick up the pieces.

He glanced over and smiled when he saw she had fallen asleep. He'd hoped they'd be at Illium by now, she really needed her own bed. She'd managed to hide not using her quarters well, he guessed she used the showers when everyone else was asleep and she must have some clothes stashed somewhere. He could only assume that she was resting, possibly napping somewhere, either that or she was living on stims but he hadn't seen any signs of that, and he definitely knew what to look for. But if she was getting some rest it wasn't enough, he knew that sooner or later, no matter how much adrenaline was pumping through her system, her reactions would slow, possibly fail and that was a terrifying thought. He was amazed that as tired as she was she was still able to stand and deal with the shit that was heaped on her shoulders. He worried over how long one person could keep it up before it became too much. As strong as she was, she was only human.

He considered it a great sign of trust that she had fallen asleep beside him and he silently promised that he would treat that trust with the respect it deserved. He reached down by his feet and pulled out the blanket he'd stashed there. Gently he adjusted her seat so she was laying back and wrapped the blanket around her. He brushed the hair from her face and softly kissed her forehead, 'Sweet dreams, Ari.'

* * *

Garrus walked onto the bridge and started to speak then stopped when he noticed Shepard curled up asleep in the co-pilots chair. He didn't think she would have brought her own blanket so he guessed that was Joker's doing. As much as the pilot tried to make people think he didn't care, Garrus knew otherwise. He stepped beside Joker so he didn't have to speak loudly, only to find him asleep in his chair as well. His mandibles flared in the Turian equivalent of a smile and he turned to walk away.

As if sensing his presence Joker opened his eyes, groggily looked around and woke up. He pulled himself up and glanced over at Shepard, content that she was getting the sleep she needed before turning to face Garrus.

'What's up?' Joker whispered as he rolled his neck to ease the stiffness.

'I was looking for Shepard,' he spoke softly as he glanced over at her. 'I wanted to make sure she got some sleep. Dr Chakwas suggested getting her into the medbay, at least it would be quiet.'

Joker indicated that they should move out of earshot. 'She doesn't know that you or the Doc knows about her not sleeping,' Joker kept his voice down, not wanting to chance the sound carrying.

'I think it's pretty obvious.'

'Yeah, but if you make a fuss you know she'll try to hide it from us, be the big strong Commander and shit. At least she's sleeping right now.' Joker sighed as he glanced back towards her chair. 'I really thought we'd be at Illium by now but we've been diverted again.'

'Damn,' Garrus shook his head, 'where to this time?'

'Horizon,' he couldn't hide the concern in his eyes. 'Apparently the colony there is on the Collector's hit list.'

Garrus watched Joker and knew something else was on his mind. He had come to like the pilot and could almost read him as well as he could read Shepard. Humans were difficult, they had too many facial expressions, but their eyes showed their true feelings, once you learned how to read them.

'Joker, what's going on?'

'Alenko's there.'

'Shit!' Garrus paced softly, his face creased in what Joker assumed was a frown.

'I don't think this is going to go well.'

'No, probably not,' Garrus stopped and looked down the corridor to where his friend and Commander slept peacefully.

He had been there when Alenko had let his feelings for the Commander show, he knew Kaidan had been in love with her and he hadn't been happy when she'd turned him away. Eventually he'd accepted her friendship but Garrus didn't think he'd ever really got over her. He'd dragged him off Joker when the Normandy went down, he'd seen the pain and anger in his eyes. Garrus didn't blame Joker for Shepard's death, he'd only done his job just as Shepard had, it was just bad luck things went to hell. But he could understand why Alenko would, his feelings for Shepard needed a target and Joker was an easy one.

He'd seen Alenko once after Shepard's funeral and he hadn't been handling her death well. He also knew Alenko had stood by and let the Alliance totally dismiss everything Shepard fought for, died for. And now she was back, under a Cerberus banner. This definitely wasn't going to go well.

'We just have to help her get through it.'

'Yeah,' Joker agreed. 'It's still gonna hurt.'

'Speaking off,' Garrus turned his eyes back to Joker. 'I know you care for her, probably even love her,' he held up his hand as Joker went to speak. 'I think you're exactly what she needs, I think she actually cares for you too. But if you ever hurt her, I will come after you.'

Joker knew there was no malice in the threat, only concern for a friend, but he certainly didn't want to get on the bad side of this particular Turian. _Wait, he'd said she cared about him._

'What makes you think she cares about me?' Joker frowned and Garrus gave the equivalent of a chuckle.

'We've been friends for a while now, we've cleared the battlefields together, we've come to understand how each of us works. As you humans say, I know her tells.'

Joker didn't know whether to believe it or not but he knew one thing as he looked at her asleep in the chair.

'I'd die before I'd deliberately hurt her,' he met Garrus's stare and they both nodded in silent understanding.

'Good to hear,' Garrus placed his hand on Joker's shoulder in friendship. 'I'll go and let Dr Chakwas know she's getting some sleep.'

Joker slipped silently back into his seat and turned to look at the woman beside him. She looked so relaxed, so peaceful and he wished he could take some of the burden she carried. All he could do was offer support, care for her as she wouldn't care for herself. It suddenly occurred to him that he had dropped his barriers completely, he didn't want to keep her out. In fact he wanted to open himself up to her, to whatever she offered him. Garrus was right, he did love her, he'd known that for a while now, he could understand why Alenko had blamed him, wanted to kill him. It didn't matter if she didn't love him back, he could be her friend, would be her friend if that's all she wanted. He watched her sleeping and hoped that one day she would sleep in his arms, he'd happily live with two broken arms for that, and they would wake up together. Maybe, one day.

* * *

Joker heard the heavy steps behind him, 'Good to go in ten, Commander.'

'Thanks, Joker,' Shepard stood beside him, rolling her shoulders and flexing her knees as she settled into her armour. Something was off though, he sensed it.

'You okay?' he glanced at her as he manoeuvred them into a safe zone, close enough to land the shuttle but out of sight of the Collectors.

'I just hope we're not too late.'

'I'm sure Alenko will be fine, he's a good soldier.' Joker surprised himself, he actually meant it.

'I know, but the thought of losing a good friend is not easy, I've lost too many already.'

'Hey, I'm still here,' he tried to lighten the mood.

'You have no idea how thankful I am for that,' she placed her gloved hand on his shoulder and he could feel her shaking. That raised his concerns a notch higher.

'Yeah, It'd be damned hard to find a chess player as good as me, not to mention that no-one can fly you in style like I can.' He was rewarded with a chuckle and that made him feel proud.

'Yep, no-one has your ego either,' she looked down at him and he met her look with mock frown before placing his hand over hers.

'Hey, I've earned the right to that ego and don't you forget it,' he grinned and she laughed and gripped his fingers.

'Thanks, Joker,' she squeezed his fingers gently. He'd taken care of her yet again, she'd fallen asleep beside him, he watched over her, provided warmth, comfort and even coffee when he'd had to wake her.

The memory of waking up to his gentle voice, his soft touch and his green eyes sent a shiver through her and her stomach fluttered. She wondered what it would be like to wake up in his arms. He was a wonderful, caring man, once you got under the hard outer shell, and she was conflicted over her feelings for him. But now wasn't the time. Now she had to face another destroyed colony and possibly the loss of someone she considered a friend.

'Anytime, Commander,' he nodded and she released her hold and turned to leave.

'Take care of our baby.'

'Count on it,' he sensed the underlying message, the Collectors were coming and last time they'd lost the fight. Not this time, he wouldn't let it happen again. 'We'll be here when you get back.'

'I have no doubt.'

She nodded and walked away, not knowing how much Joker's guts were churning. He hated to admit that he was nervous, not only about the Collectors but also about what he guessed would happen when she saw Alenko. He concentrated on his controls, fighting to calm his nerves as the shuttle left the bay.


	8. Chapter 8

 

**** 8 ****

'Fuck!' Joker had never felt rage like he did right then, his fingers ached as he gripped the arms of his chair. 'You bastard!' He ignored the startled comments from the crew behind him as he watched the feed from Garrus's camera. He wanted to reach through the screen and wrap his hands around Alenko's throat. He saw Shepard flinch at the venom in his words that went straight to her heart. She might not love him but she still cared, still thought of him as a friend.

'Mr Moreau, it would be wise for you to calm down. There is nothing you can do until Commander Shepard returns and I doubt she would approve of your anger.'

'Shut up, EDI!' he glared at the blue orb. 'You don't understand. What give him the right to accuse her of being a traitor, of lying. He's supposed to be her friend, he knows who she is, what she believes in.'

He heard Garrus interrupt and turned back to the feed, 'Damn it Kaidan, get over Cerberus and look at the real threat.'

Joker noticed that both Garrus and Jack had stepped up beside Shepard, ready to stand by her side if she needed them. From the look on Jack's face she was as angry as him and he decided she might not be so bad to have around.

'I believe that Commander Alenko is behaving within normal parameters for his personality profile.' EDI broke his concentration again.

'What? Wait, you have his personality profile?' Joker gaped at the orb.

'Yes, he was considered for recruitment but his belief in the Alliance was deemed too strong to be over ridden. His mistrust and dislike of Cerberus would have prevented him from being a successful member of the crew, even with his feelings for Commander Shepard. He would find it difficult to believe that she had been resurrected, particularly because it was Cerberus who carried out the operation.'

Joker snapped his mouth closed, gaped and closed it again. He didn't know how to respond. What did that make him? He heard Shepard ask Kaidan to join them and his response fit exactly with what EDI had just told him. The disappointment on Shepard's face was obvious and Joker wondered if Alenko could see past his anger long enough to know how much he'd hurt her.

'Joker,' Shepard spoke in his ear, 'send a shuttle. I've had enough of this place.' There was a tremor in her voice and he knew she'd felt every word Alenko had thrown at her. She was hurting badly and all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her everything would be okay.

* * *

By the time the shuttle was back in the bay Joker had set a course for Illium. No diversions this time, he needed to get Shepard somewhere she could rest, recover. With that in mind, he brought up his omnitool and sent a message to an old friend. Leaving EDI in control he headed for the shuttle bay. Garrus had insisted he get down there fast.

The elevator doors opened and he almost crashed into Miranda as she stepped out. He hurriedly stepped back, trying to keep his balance, having no doubt she wouldn't give ground. She frowned at him and opened her mouth to speak.

'We're on our way to Illium, you'd better have organised to get that problem solved.' There was strength in his voice that surprised even him and her eyes widened.

'Yes, it's organised,' she watched him step into the elevator. 'I do care about Shepard's welfare.'

Joker snorted, 'Yeah, as your science project.' He cheered inwardly at the shocked look on her face as the doors closed between them. As much as he tried he couldn't bring himself to like or trust that woman.

Garrus met him as he stepped out, 'she hasn't left the shuttle, in fact she hasn't spoken since we left Horizon.'

Joker nodded and walked over to the shuttle, carefully climbing inside and sitting beside Shepard. He wasn't sure how to handle this, he wasn't a psychologist or a counselor, he didn't have the right words and he usually stuffed up the ones he spoke. He watched her silently. She didn't move from her hunched position, her arms on her knees and staring blankly at the floor. She was so tense she was shaking. _Damn, Alenko, why did you have to be such an asshole?_

Joker knew Kaidan had always believed in the Alliance, it was his life, even after they swept Shepard's discoveries under the carpet. Who knows, maybe he might come to see that she was only being herself, fighting for humanity, for the galaxy, using whatever resources were available to her. That didn't stop Joker from being angry at him.

'Is he right, Joker? Am I not seeing things clearly, have I been brainwashed by Cerberus?' The empty, hollow voice didn't sound like the woman he knew and it scared him.

'What do you think?' He would have loved to mouth off about Alenko but that wasn't what she needed.

'Shit!' She pulled off her gloves and threw them across the shuttle. She gave a long drawn out sigh and growled in frustration before sitting up and resting her head against the bulkhead. 'I don't know anymore.'

Joker took her hands in his and turned slightly so he was facing her. 'What do you know?'

She cocked her head and looked at him, thinking about his question. 'I know human colonies are disappearing and no-one is doing anything about it.' She thought for a moment, 'I know that Cerberus have provided me with the means to stop that but I don't trust them.

I know they brought me back to life, supposedly as I was, which means I'm still the same person I was two years ago, just with some new parts. I still feel like me, I have the same ideals and principles. I know that the Reapers are coming and we need to prepare.' She stopped and stared at him, her blue eyes searching his, 'I know I have friends at my back who are willing to follow me into this hell.'

'And you thought Kaidan was one of those friends,' he kept his eyes on hers.

'Yes,' she finally looked away as her eyes moistened. 'I thought he knew me, knew what I believed in.'

'If the situation had been reversed what would you have done?' He held up his hand as she went to speak but quickly went back to holding hers, 'remembering that you died and came back, that he cared deeply for you and had to deal with that death and the aftermath. And remember who Kaidan is.'

'I would have been angry, in pain. I probably would have doubted too, especially knowing everything we did about Cerberus.' She sighed and dropped her head onto his shoulder, leaning into him gently and he was relieved to feel her relax a little. 'But that doesn't give him the right to accuse me like he did, he didn't give me a chance to explain.'

'No it doesn't and he was a sanctimonious asshole about it.' He paused and pulled his anger under control, she didn't need that right now, she was hurting. He let go of one hand and slid his arm around her shoulder, wishing her armour wasn't between them. 'He'll come around, especially after you've kicked some Collector butt and he sees you're still you.'

'You know, for someone who isn't a people person you do all right.'

He chuckled, dropped his head onto hers and inhaled the scent of sweat, gun oil and dirt. As much as he loved the scent of her after a shower this was different but still her, it was almost primal and it aroused him just as much. He made the most of the moment, closing his eyes and savouring the feel of her head on his shoulder, her hand in his, her armour digging into his arm. _Shit!_

'Shepard, as much as I love being your pillow, you're still wearing your armour.'

She sat up quicker than he would have liked and proceed to rub his arm where she'd been laying, 'sorry, forgot.' She stopped rubbing and he was relieved and disappointed at the same time. 'Why are you here, Joker? How come you can see past Cerberus and he can't.'

'Because I'm an unprincipled bastard,' he quipped, but quickly became serious. 'I'm here for you, Shepard,' he dropped his eyes and absently rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, not noticing the colour building in her face.

He'd thought about it after his conversation with EDI and realised they'd played him. They'd offered him everything his heart desired, including Shepard, and he'd taken it, but he'd taken it because of her. As much as he loved flying, especially this particular ship, he couldn't put it before her. Cerberus had played him but they didn't own him, and they'd given him back the one thing that would make him walk away from them in a heartbeat.

'If you walk off this ship tomorrow and tell Cerberus to fuck off, I'll be right behind you.' He met her eyes, 'I believe in you not the colour the uniform, or even if there is no uniform.' An image of her naked popped into his head and he felt warmth travel up his neck as she chuckled.

'You're imagining me naked, aren't you?' She laughed as the colour rushed to his face but she took great pleasure in knowing she affected him that way. 'I think I need a shower.'

He groaned, closed his eyes and dropped his head against the bulkhead and she giggled. He opened his eyes and stared at her. _Did she just giggle?_ From the way she dropped her head he guessed she had. She lifted her head and her sweat damp hair stuck to her cheek. Without thinking he reached up and brushed it behind her ear, his palm cupping her cheek and she leaned into it.

He wanted to kiss her, _god he so badly wanted to kiss her,_ and from the way she leaned towards him she wanted him to. They both realised at the same moment and their eyes met in wide-eyed recognition but neither pulled away. She licked her lips and Joker couldn't fight it any more, he leaned in, close enough to feel the warmth of her breath on his lips. Her eyes closed as she tilted her head.

'Mr Moreau, we will be approaching the relay in ten minutes.' EDI broke the moment.

'Shit,' he jumped and cursed softly as his forehead dropped to hers, his hand dropped and they both stiffened and became the professionals they were. But she was smiling, he pulled back and met her eyes. She wasn't horrified or angry, if anything she looked disappointed, but she was smiling. He couldn't help it, couldn't control it, he smiled back.

'Thanks, Joker,' she brushed his face with her hand and this time it was his turn to lean in and close his eyes. Her eyes were moist as he brushed her palm with his lips. 'I am so glad you're here, I couldn't do this without you.'

'Sure you could, though no other pilot could pull your ass out of the fire like I do,' he laughed and stood up, offering his hand, which she took without hesitation. 'I set course for Illium, I figured that would be our next stop and you should take some down time, you haven't had a break since all this started.'

'Yes, sir,' Shepard gave a mock salute and he laughed.

'If it's that easy to get you to follow orders I may have to come up with some more,' he grinned and raised his eyebrows.

'And I might just follow them,' she laughed as she stepped onto the hangar deck. 'Right now though I need a shower, a cold one.' She threw him a look that made his whole body shiver and his heart skip a beat.

_Me too._ He followed her to the elevator, the air thick with unspoken words and feelings hanging between them. She stepped off on the crew deck and winked at him just before the doors closed. He found himself floundering in unfamiliar territory and as much as it scared him it exhilarated him and he wondered if he was going to get his heart broken. Right then, he didn't care.

* * *

'I know you're there, Kasumi.'

'How?' She de-cloaked beside him and stared at him.

'Years of practice,' he chuckled. 'Everyone comes up behind me at some time, you get a feel for it.'

'I'll have to find another way to fool you then.' She made herself comfortable in the co-pilot's chair.

Joker glanced at her, almost telling her that she was sitting in Shepard's chair but thought better of it. She kept trying to creep up on him but failed. He guessed it was a natural instinct after so many years of having people try to sneak up on him, some people seemed to think it was funny to make the pilot jump. Kasumi did it simply for practice. He actually liked the thief, she had an uncanny knack for seeing the truth, for seeing through people. And she had a warped sense of humour. He'd felt an instant sense of camaraderie from the moment they met and she seemed to like spending time with him.

'Should I check my pockets before you leave?' Joker asked absently as he concentrated on the math for the relay jump.

She shook her head, 'No, I only steal from people I don't like.'

'Should I be flattered?'

'Yep, you and Shep are the best people on this boat, although Garrus and Dr Chakwas are OK too. Jacob is just yummy and Miranda….'

'She's the Ice Queen from Hell,' Joker held up his hands in mock fear and she laughed.

'If that were true she'd have melted by now, Hell is hot from what I hear.'

'Okay, so we'll have to come up with another name for her.' He punched in numbers on his console, 'hitting the relay in ten, nine, eight,' he announced the countdown to the ship and felt the familiar shudder and lag as the ship traversed relay space when he reached zero. 'Board is green. We should reach Illium in sixty four hours.'

The formality of his job done he carried out system checks and made sure their course was correct. _Finally, now Shepard's cabin will be fixed._ After Horizon he knew she needed some time away from the ship, the mission. He knew she had two more team members to collect but he'd tried to arrange it so she had some time to herself. He just hoped she'd use it.

'So,' Kasumi asked innocently. 'What's with you and Shep?'

'What?' Joker looked at her wide eyed and realised he'd given himself away.

'I knew it,' she sat forward with a grin that he guessed carried to her eyes, except he couldn't see them under her hood. 'Spill, mister, how long have you been in love with her?'

'It's not like that, we're just friends. We've been together a while now, been through some shit, you know Saren, Sovereign, the battle for the Citadel and stuff. That's it,' he kept his head lowered so she wouldn't see the colour in his face.

'Uh huh,' she stood up and placed her hand on his shoulder and leant down to whisper in his ear, 'don't worry, I know how to keep secrets, and I'm glad she has someone looking after her.' She chuckled.

_Damn! Am I that obvious?_ He thought he'd hidden his feelings well although Garrus knew, probably Dr Chakwas too. Maybe Kasumi was just more observant, she was a master thief after all. That had to be it. He hoped that was it or he was in trouble because he was finding it harder to keep his feelings hidden. Every time he saw Shepard or even heard her voice he had to fight to keep the grin off his face and control his racing heart, and it was going to be harder now after their almost kiss. _Crap, I'm really in trouble!_

'Hey, Kasumi,' he spun his chair as she started to walk away. 'Want to help me with something, for Shepard.' What the hell, she'd figured it out anyway so another pair of hands would be useful. 'I've organised something but it needs a woman's touch.'

The grin on her face was priceless as she stepped up to his chair, 'ooh, I just love mysteries and surprises. What do you need me to do?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, past Horizon. I wondered how others would have seen this and because this is written mostly from Joker's point of view it gave me the opportunity. Hope I did it justice.
> 
> Okay, okay - the lovey duvy part is coming - really, promise. Probably some smut too ;-) As for that almost kiss - paybacks a bitch!


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

**** 9 ****

Shepard stepped onto the dock at Nos Astra, fighting the exhaustion that was gradually wearing her down. As easy as it was to sleep on the bridge alongside Joker it wasn't enough. She'd managed to hide the fact that she wasn't using her quarters, at least she hoped she had, but not having a regular bed to sleep in was becoming a problem. Dr Chakwas had pulled her aside before she left and questioned her about her sleeping patterns. She didn't think she could hide it much longer, but she wasn't going to admit to her weakness either. The crew needed her to be Commander Shepard and so she would be.

An Asari walked towards them and for a moment she was afraid they were going to be questioned about their weapons, this wasn't Omega. Instead she was surprised to find that Liara had paid their docking fees and accommodation was organised for her for the few days they would be planet side. Shepard was about to refuse the gift, she had a perfectly good ship to stay on but Garrus interrupted.

'Shepard, you should take it. You haven't had any down time since coming back and a lot has happened. A few days in comfortable accommodations might do you good.'

She looked at him through narrowed eyes, as if she sensed a hidden meaning in his words. But she accepted the key and agreed to at least have a look. Garrus was sure he heard Joker's sigh of relief.

It was much later when Shepard finally opened the door to a penthouse apartment and gasped at the size of the place. She walked over to the floor to ceiling windows and gazed out across Nos Astra. It was a beautiful place, very graceful, very Asari. Night was falling and stars were beginning to show through the darkening sky, she looked up without thinking and her stomach lurched as she broke into a sweat. Panic threatened as she felt the pull of the great void above so she hurriedly closed the privacy screens and thanked them for their protection.

As she glanced around the living room she was glad she had decided to use the accommodations. As much as she loved the Normandy this was pure self-indulgence and right now she needed that. She needed time to think without the worry of the mission or ship issues filling her mind. She hadn't had time to herself since coming back and with all the monitors Cerberus had around her she hadn't had any privacy either. Even though this was only a temporary freedom she cherished it. With that in mind she picked up the room service menu and ordered dinner.

She was suddenly aware that she hadn't brought any clothes with her and she was still in her armour. She'd spent the day doing some odd jobs for Liara and tracking down Thane Krios, the latest addition to her team. It had been good to see Liara, another person from her past who still believed in her, that Liara had been the one to give Cerberus her body was something she still had to think about. But she hadn't thought to grab a change of clothes before sending Garrus, Jacob and Thane back to the ship.

She walked into the bedroom and a smile broke out as she found a collection of clothing waiting for her, she would have been happy to walk around naked but this was probably more sensible. Civilian clothing with no Cerberus logos. There was even a collection of sleepwear and underwear, very nice underwear, not the usual, practical stuff she wore every day. She picked up the robe waiting for her on the huge bed that she eyed with longing, but she needed a shower before dinner. First things first though.

'Liara,' she grinned as a flustered blue face appeared on her omnitool screen. 'Something wrong?'

'No,' Liara almost cursed but quickly pulled herself under control.

'I just wanted to thank you for the wonderful accommodation and the clothes.'

'Not my doing, Shepard,' Liara smiled at her puzzled frown. 'I chose the accommodations, yes, but it was not my idea.'

'Who then? Not the Illusive Man,' she felt the joy drop out of her face at the thought.

'Not likely,' Liara scoffed. 'Let's just say it was someone who cares about you enough to know you needed it.'

'And the clothes?'

'No, not my doing either,' Liara laughed at the frustration on Shepard's face. 'Just enjoy it Shepard, don't question it.' And with that she was gone.

Trying not to let her frustration spoil the moment she allowed herself the luxury of a long hot shower, she thought about using the hot tub in the corner but left it for another time. It felt good not to have to worry about the water turning cold or going off because she'd gone over her allotted time. There were some things about living in space she could do without.

She was almost finished dinner and relaxing into the comfortable surroundings when a thought occurred. Flashing up her omnitool she waited for Kasumi's face to appear. When it did she was surprised to see the bridge controls behind her. Was she with Joker? Her stomach churned. Was that jealousy? She had no claim on him but the thought of him being with someone else hurt, especially after he almost kissed her. _She'd really wanted him to._

'Hey, Shep. How is the apartment?' Kasumi was her usual cheerful self.

'Fantastic,' she couldn't stop the grin that crossed her face. 'Did you organise any of this?'

'Not me,' Kasumi laughed, they had become friends in the short time they'd known each other and Shepard had mentioned that she had nothing without a Cerberus logo on it.

'Not even the clothes?'

'Well, I might have had a hand in the selection but it wasn't my idea.' She shrugged at someone off screen. 'Hope you like them.' And she signed off.

As she was falling asleep she realised who would care enough about her to do this for her. She messaged Miranda, ordering her to give the crew forty eight hours shore leave, with no argument. Then she messaged Kasumi. A smile lingered on her lips as she surrendered to sleep and her last thought was of piercing green eyes.

* * *

'What the hell do you think you are doing?'

Joker spun his seat, deliberately taking his time before looking up at Miranda. 'You'll have to be a bit more specific,' he tried to keep his smugness under control but from the increased narrowing of her eyes he guessed he'd failed. 'Right now I'm running numerous diagnostics, updating com links, comparing star maps.' He glared at her, 'Is there something else you need me to do?'

'I'm talking about Shepard. Who gave you permission to give her accommodation planet side? What right do you think you have to go behind my back?' She was definitely angry, this was her cell, she was in charge.

Joker slowly stood up and met her anger with his own. 'I don't need permission from you to take care of my Commander. I have that right as her friend. If that perfect brain of yours was working properly you'd know she needed time away from this ship, from this mission. She needs time to come to terms with coming back from the dead, losing two years of her life and everything she believed in. Something you and Cerberus haven't given her.' His fingernails were digging into his palms and he took a deep breath, resisting the overwhelming urge to knock Miranda on her ass.

'Mr Moreau is correct, Operative Lawson. Commander Shepard has been under a great deal of stress and is suffering from mild depression, which along with the lack of sleep will ultimately affect her performance. Her psychological profile indicates she will deal with these problems but without time and privacy she may not do this adequately enough to complete this mission.' EDI paused and Joker wasn't sure if it was deliberate or not, but right then he could have kissed her. 'If you remove some of the monitoring devices around the ship she may relax a little more, if she feels like she is not being watched all the time.'

'What?' Miranda seemed confused and Joker almost laughed. 'She needs to be monitored, we need to watch her.'

'No, you don't,' Joker finally realised that for all her intelligence Miranda really was quite dumb when it came to people. _And I thought I wasn't a people person_. 'If you knew Shepard as you claim you do, you would know that she can't walk away from this now. As much as she hates Cerberus, she can't leave people in danger or the galaxy under threat. It's what she does, it's who she is. This ship, this mission, are hers now. Those of us who know her have already followed her into hell yet here we are doing it again. Did you ever ask yourself why?'

'Mr Moreau, I believe Shepard is in trouble,' EDI interrupted him.

'What! How do you know?' He couldn't hide the fear in his voice.

'Her biometric readings indicate severe emotional distress.'

'How the…? Never mind. Where is she?'

'She has not left her accommodations.'

'Get me a skycab,' Joker was already on his way out the airlock. 'Get Dr Chakwas and Garrus as well.'

He didn't wait for anyone else and it was only when he stood before her door that he realised how idiotic that was. He had no gun, he wasn't a soldier who could take on whoever or whatever was on the other side of that door. Right then he didn't care.

'Shepard?' He heard nothing in response, not a good sign. 'EDI, can you override this lock?' He spoke into his omnitool and was relieved when the door opened quietly.

It took a moment to adjust to the dim lighting but he slowly worked his way through the room to the bedroom where a light was on. There were no signs of struggle or damage but that didn't mean there wasn't danger. He peered around the door and his heart almost broke. Without a second thought he was across the room.

Shepard never moved as he crouched awkwardly before her. She sat on the floor with her knees pulled tightly into her chest, her arms wrapped around them, her eyes staring at nothing. She was rocking and shaking uncontrollably and Joker guessed she was suffering from shock.

'Shepard,' he spoke softly as he reached for the blanket on the bed. There was no response and that worried him. He slowly moved closer, hoping she didn't lash out in panic. 'Shepard,' he raised his voice a little and her eyelids flickered. He took a deep breath, exhaled gently and placed his hand on her arm, 'Arelia.'

Whether it was his voice, his touch or the sound of her name he would never know but she looked up at him, her eyes wide, pupils dilated. 'Joker.' It was a whisper but it was all he needed.

He moved quickly but carefully to sit beside her, pulling her into his chest and wrapping them both in the blanket. She was shivering so badly he found it hard to hold her but he refused to let go. The shivers became tremors as she sobbed into his chest, her arms wrapping around him as if he was a lifeline to her sanity. He buried his face in her hair, his own tears leaving hot trails down his cheeks.

'It's okay, Ari, I'm here,' he whispered between her sobs.

A commotion made him look up to find Dr Chakwas, Garrus and Miranda in the doorway. Chakwas put her arm out to stop Miranda from entering and ordered her and Garrus into the living room. Quietly she closed the door and moved to kneel beside the two people she cared about most in the world.

'Joker,' she spoke softly, her eyes taking in the colour of Shepard's skin and the sheen of sweat. 'What happened?'

'Don't know,' he shook his head, 'shock I think, she was curled up rocking and shivering. She didn't respond until I touched her and called her by her first name.' He looked at Chakwas through red eyes, 'I don't know why, I wasn't sure what to do.'

'You did the right thing,' Chakwas ran her omnitool over Shepard who hadn't moved. 'I'm really surprised this hasn't happened sooner,' she sighed and looked at her readings. 'I'm guessing that the first decent sleep she's had let her subconscious take over. Nightmares,' she clarified at his confused stare.

'So by doing what I thought was the right thing I've done the wrong thing,' he grimaced. 'Seems I can't do anything right when it comes to Shepard.'

'You're here,' Shepard spoke so softly they almost missed it.

'Shepard,' Chakwas leaned in and her relief was evident as Shepard turned to look at her, her head not leaving Joker's chest. 'I need you to get up for me, can you do that?'

As much as he didn't want to release his hold Joker let go as she slowly pulled herself upright, but her hands gripped his and her body still rested against him. He was relieved to see some colour back in her face but her eyes were still haunted.

'Shepard, you should get back into bed,' Chakwas helped her up onto the bed, working around her death grip on Joker's hand.

Joker felt the pressure on his fingers but didn't object, he could deal with having broken fingers if it comforted Shepard. As if reading his mind she softened her hold, but she didn't let go. He moved into a kneeling position, ignoring the pain in his legs as they supported his weight.

'Shepard,' Dr Chakwas waited until Shepard looked at her, 'I'm going to give you a sedative, you need to sleep. Do you understand?'

'Yes,' it was weak but it was enough.

Joker stood up to give the doctor some room and to take the pressure off his legs, but Shepard still refused to let go of his hand. Chakwas administered the sedative, tucked Shepard in and stepped back.

'Jeff?'

'I'm here, babe,' he knelt down, pulling her hand into his chest and placing his other arm on the pillow around her head.

'I'm your babe,' she giggled through half closed eyes and he knew the drugs were kicking in, 'I like that.' A smile lingered as she drifted into sleep.

'Me too,' he whispered as he brushed the hair from her face and placed a kiss on her forehead. 'Me too.' He kissed her fingers as her hand relaxed its hold, tucked her arm under the covers and followed Chakwas into the living room.

He stepped through the door and his legs gave out. He slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. Garrus was quickly beside him, his hand on Joker's shoulder.

'Are you all right?'

'Yeah,' he nodded, fighting back tears. 'It was just hard, you know, seeing her like that.'

'Yeah,' Garrus nodded and patted his shoulder then turned as voices behind him became heated.

'She needs to be on the Normandy,' Miranda was almost spitting she was so angry.

'No, she doesn't,' Chakwas was calm in comparison. 'She needs to sleep and she can't do that on board. In fact,' she brought up her omnitool and typed something in. 'As of now, Shepard and Joker are on 48 hours medical leave.'

'You can't do that!'

'I just did,' Chakwas folded her arms across her chest as if daring Miranda to argue.

'Why him? I can take care of her, he's the reason she's like this in the first place.'

Joker blanched and Garrus started to say something but Chakwas beat him to it.

'How dare you,' her voice was soft but the threat was real. 'Joker risked his life to save ours, he was willing to die to make sure everyone else lived. Shepard knew the risks the minute the ship was hit, she was willing to die for us, to make sure we had time to escape. If the same thing happened now you can guarantee that they would both put their lives on the line to save yours. Can you say the same?'

Miranda's mouth was moving but no words came out. She was truly out of her depth. As part of Cerberus she had become accustomed to not worrying about other's lives, it was something you accepted as part of a cell. As long as the leader survived everyone else was expendable. But these people she had been forced to work with were throwing their humanity in her face and it made her uncomfortable. It made her face her own shortcomings and that made her feel, she didn't like feeling anything, it got in the way.

'Joker,' Chakwas turned back to him, 'Shepard needs someone to stay.'

'As if you need to ask,' he smirked and tapped Garrus to give him a hand to stand up.

'Let me know if you need me,' Chakwas indicated that everyone else should leave.

'I'll bring you some clothes in the morning,' Garrus let go of Joker's arm. 'If you need anything else let me know.'

Joker watched them leave and went to check on Shepard. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully so he reached down to grab a pillow before heading back to the sofa. As if sensing his presence she reached for his hand and pulled his arm around her, forcing him onto the bed. Joker thought for a whole minute before slipping of his boots and trousers and climbing in beside her. What's the worst that could happen, she'd kick him out and break a few bones. He could live with that he decided as she moved beside him and snuggled into him, her back warm against his chest. _Yep, he could get used to this and it was definitely worth a few broken bones._

* * *

 

_When you feel all alone_   
_And a loyal friend is hard to find_   
_You're caught in a one way street_   
_With the monsters in your head_   
_When hopes and dreams are far away and_   
_You feel like you can't face the day_

_Let me be the one you call_   
_If you jump I'll break your fall_   
_Lift you up and fly away with you into the night_   
_If you need to fall apart_   
_I can mend a broken heart_   
_If you need to crash then crash and burn_   
_You're not alone_

_**Savage Garden — Crash And Burn** _


	10. Chapter 10

**** 10 ****

Joker awoke to the feeling that he was being watched and for a moment confusion reigned until he remembered where he was.  _Shit, was this where all his bones got broken_. He rubbed his hands over his face, forcing himself fully awake before turning to look at the woman alongside him.

'Mornin' Commander,' he tried to sound flippant but failed dismally. His stomach churned as he met her beautiful blue eyes, which were surprisingly clear.

'That's a bit formal for the position we are currently in,' she smirked.

'Ah, yeah, about that,' Joker was lost for words, something highly unusual for him. He wasn't sure which way to go, should he be serious and talk about what happened or should he be his usual self. He decided on the latter. 'I got this call last night about this huge bed that was too big for one person and it needed to be decorated with a handsome pilot so that when you woke up you had something pleasant to look at. Who am I to disobey orders?' He shrugged.

'That's the best you could come up with?' Shepard raised her eyebrows at him.

'Hey, short notice,' he grimaced but met her eyes and held them. 'Seriously, Shepard, how are you feeling?'

'I'm fine.' She went to turn away but he gently held her chin with his fingers.

'Shepard?'

'I will be fine,' she was looking everywhere but at him and he knew she was lying.

'Do you remember last night?' He let go of her chin and watched as she fought back tears.

'Yes I do!' She pushed herself away from him, angrily wiping the tears from her face as she sat up. 'I don't have time for this, I have a mission to complete, a galaxy to save. I need to be Commander Shepard!' She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, turning her back so he couldn't see her face. 'I don't need to be treated like an invalid. I don't need you, I think you should go.'

'Shepard,' her words stabbed him as physically as if she'd had a knife in her hand and he reached for her but she pulled away. His heart sank into his stomach as she stood up and headed for the bathroom, keeping her face turned away.

'Helmsman Moreau, leave now, or do I have to find a pilot who will obey orders.' She entered the bathroom and closed the door.

Joker was stunned. His heart ached and he couldn't breathe. In all the time they'd been together she had never spoken to him with such coldness, she'd never threatened to remove him from her ship. He reached for his trousers and angrily pulled them on. He fought to sort out the turmoil in his head as he reached for his boots. He felt tears building but it quickly turned to anger as he realised that he had been a fool to think she felt anything for him, that they were ever more than Commander and Pilot, that he'd misread her signals. He'd deal with it, he'd distance himself from her, it would be hard but he'd do it. What choice did he have?

He picked up his boots and slowly walked to the door, his legs ached after the workout he'd given them yesterday and he grimaced at the pain. He made it as far as the sofa before he had to sit down, damn, how was he going to make it back to the Normandy. The pain in his legs and the pain in his heart conspired against him and he felt tears roll down his cheeks. The world became a fuzzy haze of grey as he struggled to put his boots on, knotting the laces as his vision blurred. His omnitool pinged and he brushed away tears so he could see only to find a new chess game appear before him.

'It's your move.'

'What the fuck!' He stared in amazement. What was she playing at, she told him to leave, that she didn't need him, threatened to find a new pilot and now she wanted to play chess! What did she think he was, someone she could push away and pull back anytime she liked? As much as he loved her he wasn't up for that and he realised that if he stayed as her pilot that's exactly what would happen. And he wouldn't be able to fight it. He looked up at the closed bedroom door and realisation hit him in the face, 'Not playing anymore, Shepard. Go find a pilot who'll follow orders.'

He stood up and headed for the door, his legs shaky and his heart breaking at the thought that she would do just that _. Shit, what have I done? What if she really does find another pilot?_   _What if she's too damn stubborn for her own good?_  His hand was on the door lock and he was shaking so badly he found it hard to open. Suddenly he found himself spun around and backed up against the wall and he grimaced as his shoulders took the brunt of the hurt. It took him a moment to recover as it registered for the first time just what she was wearing. She was still in the singlet and shorts she'd worn to bed and they accentuated every curve and only just covered the essentials, her hair was messed up and falling around her face.  _God, she's beautiful!_

'What the fuck do you think you're doing?' Shepard was in his face, her red swollen eyes making her appear almost demonic, quickly bringing him back to reality.

'I'm following your fucking orders!' He spat back, not hiding the pain and hurt in his voice.

'You can't leave!' she yelled and he pulled back as she continued her angry tirade. 'You're being paid to do this job. You can't be replaced at short notice. You can't leave.' Tears rolled down her cheeks and he wasn't sure if they were from anger or pain.

'Give me one good reason why!' He yelled back.

'You can't leave, this mission needs you, the Normandy needs you.' She was almost sobbing now and he wanted so much to reach out and hold her, but she wasn't ready for that yet.

'Anyone can fly the damn ship.'

'You can't leave,' she was sobbing now, choking on her words. 'I need you.' She whispered and refused to look at him.

Joker wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest as he slid to the floor, taking her with him. His legs throbbed in relief but his heart danced as the woman in his arms allowed her barriers to fall, she allowed him in. He held her silently while she cried.

It was some time before her sobs became sniffles and he felt her relax in his arms. Her breathing slowed and she shifted into a more comfortable position, one arm going around his waist, the other resting on his chest as her head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. As much as she was in pain, he was in heaven. He had the woman of his dreams in his arms and she was seemingly quite happy to stay there.

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' she sniffled.

'I know,' he kissed the top of her head.

'I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here,' she sighed and absently drew circles on his chest. 'I really am sorry,' she repeated and lifted her head to look at him. He was overcome by the warmth and affection he saw there and his stomach did a somersault. 'I don't deal very well with this stuff,' she waved her hand in the air around her head and he chuckled. 'I need to be Commander Shepard, to be strong.'

'Yes you do,' Joker agreed as he moved so he could see her more easily, 'but you also need to be Arelia Shepard, you need to give yourself some time. You need to deal with everything that's happened in the last few weeks, with coming back, with how you came back. You need to give your mind time to sort through things and give your body some time to heal.'

'I don't know how,' tears rolled down her cheeks as she met his eyes.

'You let us help you,' he reached out and brushed her tears away and she leant in to his touch. His heart skipped a beat and his body responded in a way that was most inappropriate for the situation. 'Let me help you.'

'I ….' There was confusion and fear in her eyes. 'How? I'm scared, Jeff.'

'I know,' he also knew how hard that was for her to admit, she was Commander Shepard, a warrior, a hero and heroes weren't supposed to feel fear. He pulled her against him and as uncomfortable as his position was he was overjoyed when she rested comfortably against him. 'What are you scared of?'

'Me, losing control,' her voice was pained and he felt her shaking as he held her against his chest. He reached down and took her hand in his, holding it against him, wrapping his fingers around hers. 'I'm scared that I'm not really me that Cerberus brought back some kind of AI inside something that looks like me. Or if I am really me how do I know they haven't put some kind of failsafe inside me, it's something I would expect them to do. How do I know I'm not going to turn on everyone I care for because someone pushed a button somewhere?

I'm scared of failing everyone, the galaxy. I'm scared of dying, again. I'm scared of losing everyone I care about.' She gripped his fingers a little tighter and he responded in kind.

Joker felt his heart breaking at the anguish in her voice and he felt the warmth of her tears as they soaked into his shirt. What was he supposed to say, he couldn't deny her fears any more than she could, but he could help her find out if some of them were real. As for her fear of not being herself, he had no doubt it was really her, he'd known it the first time he looked in her eyes and saw her beautiful, caring soul looking back at him.

'I know it's you,' he said softly, keeping his eyes on the ceiling.

'How?'

'Because I'm your friend, because I care about you, because I …' _love you_ , he wanted so desperately to tell her but he wasn't sure that now was the time, 'you're the only one who can leave me speechless, and that's not something anyone can do.' He felt a tear run down his cheek, 'because you still get frustrated when I beat you at chess, if you were some sort of smart AI I wouldn't stand a chance.'

'I guess there is that,' she sniffled and at least she wasn't shaking any more. 'But just remember I warned you if I suddenly go insane and start shooting up the ship.'

'Noted,' he chuckled. 'But you don't have to be Commander Shepard today, Doc put you and me on forty eight hours medical leave. Miranda wasn't happy.'

'I ordered Miranda to give the crew leave, obviously she chose to ignore me.' She pulled away and every part of him wanted her back, but she didn't move far. 'I remember something else from last night,' she looked up at him and he was suddenly nervous. 'I wanted to thank you for organising this place for me.'

'Who told you?' He looked at her wide-eyed and she grinned at him.

'No-one, but now I know for sure.' She propped herself up on her arm and looked at him, her eyes scanning his face, finally coming to rest on his eyes. 'Thank you, for the room, for being here, for being you, for caring, even though you pretend you don't.' She brushed his cheek with her palm and slowly leaned in and kissed him.

Joker watched as she closed the gap, as her eyes closed and her lips touched his. His body responded without waiting for his brain to catch up and he was on fire from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. Eventually he gathered his wits enough to respond just as she was pulling away. She looked at him with disappointment and he realised that she had expected more.

'Ari,' he whispered as his hand slid around her neck and his fingers ran through her hair as he gently pulled her towards him.

The feel of her soft lips on his was like nothing he'd ever felt before, they were like silk and they caressed his lips so tenderly he burned for her. The tentative touch of her tongue made his heart soar as his lips parted and allowed her entry. He moved so he could pull her closer but they ended up sliding down the wall onto the floor and he felt her arm wrap around his back, pulling him almost on top of her to soften his landing. Every part of him felt alive, it was euphoric, addictive. Their tongues danced and their bodies moulded to each other, he could feel her breasts against his chest, her legs against his, but they had to come up for air.

'Wow,' Shepard grinned, her face flushed with colour.

'Yeah,' Joker gasped huskily, his face burning as he realised she would be able to feel the effect she had on him. He brushed her hair from her face and looked into the eyes that he loved, 'that was really something and you can kill me now if you like, I'll die a happy man.'

'If I did that you wouldn't be able to kiss me like that again,' she ran her hand down his chest and felt him shiver before meeting his eyes. 'And I want you to do that again.'

'Oh god, I so want to do that again, but,' he groaned and closed his eyes as his forehead met hers, 'I think we need to talk about a couple of things before this goes too far.' He wanted nothing more than to hold her forever, feel her against him, her lips on his and he felt like he was cutting his own throat but he needed this to work out right, and that meant they had to talk about things that could affect their relationship.

'Really?' She raised her eyebrows at him and he grimaced as he nodded and she realised he was serious.

'Yeah,' he chuckled, 'besides, I really, really need to use the head.'

She laughed at that, 'Okay, how about I order breakfast and then we can talk, on one condition.'

'And that would be …' he met her eyes as he ran his thumb gently across her lips and felt her shiver.

'That you promise to kiss me again like that before this day is over.'

'That's one promise I'm happy to keep,' he smiled and closed the gap between them, kissing her softly before she stood up and offered her hand, gently pulling him to his feet.

He cursed his body as he headed for the bathroom and cursed himself while he was at it, he had to be the galaxy's biggest idiot.  _Why?_  His fantasy had come to life and he'd dragged it back into reality.  _Shit, what was I thinking?_  Self-preservation, that's what. With a groan he pulled up his omnitool and sent a message.

_Garrus,_

_We're up, give us an hour for breakfast and get Kasumi and Doc to come with you._

_Also, we've got a vermin problem, can you get Mordin to bring one of his scanners over._

_Joker_

_PS. Miranda's not invited._


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

**** 11 ****

Shepard watched Joker disappear into the bedroom, noticing that he was limping a little more than usual. As she ordered breakfast she wondered if she was making a mistake. Feeling his arms around her, his lips on hers and seeing the warmth and affection in his eyes had aroused feeling she'd tried to keep hidden for a long time. But they were in a battle for their very survival and it had already killed her once.

She sighed deeply as she walked over and opened the privacy screens. This really was a beautiful place and she hoped it stayed that way. The Reapers were coming, she knew that, the Collectors were already here doing their dirty work. Places like this deserved a chance to survive and she was determined to give them that. Could she do that if she was emotionally involved with someone, would her feelings get in the way? Could he deal with her going into battle if they tried this, he wasn't a soldier like her, could he face the fact she may not come back? Could he face the possibility of her death, again? There was a big difference between watching your commander go into battle and watching your lover do the same.

_Lover? Oh god she so wanted that_. Even more so now that she'd had a taste. Before everything had gone to hell the night before she had decided to let herself have some happiness, to be a little self-indulgent, a little selfish. Hell, she'd earned it. But was that fair to Joker? Did she have the strength to fight and love at the same time? _Love? Was it really?_ If she really thought about it she guessed it was. She wanted it so badly, to have someone she could be herself with, break down on and not feel weak and pathetic. Sometimes she got tired of being Commander Shepard.

And that was really the root of her problems right now. She had broken down, lost control of her emotions, her strength. It frightened her, in fact it terrified her. What if it happened again? What if by opening up her heart she allowed her weaknesses to show through? What if he only wanted Commander Shepard, not Arelia? She'd never allowed anyone to see her so vulnerable before, never allowed anyone to get so close. Even when she'd been in a relationship, and there weren't many, she had always been strong, never allowing her emotions to take control. What if …? She groaned and buried her face in her hands, too many what ifs.

'You okay?'

She jumped as Joker came up behind her and she shivered as she felt his fingers on her skin, gently massaging her neck, slowly working their way down her shoulders. Damn that felt good.

'Hey,' he chuckled, 'that's one for me, I made the great Commander Shepard jump.'

'Laugh it up, flyboy. You only get one chance at that.' She closed her eyes and leaned into his hands, relaxing into the pleasure that his fingers provided. 'Are you okay, I noticed you were limping a little more than usual?'

'Yeah, I'm fine, just gave the legs a bit more of a work than they're used to.' He leaned in and kissed the top of her head.

'Jeff, we need to talk,' she felt his fingers stop and stiffen before slowly resuming their work on her shoulders.

'You know that has to be the most hated statement in the history of mankind. It's one of those "I want to jump of a roof" type statements because it puts fear into the hearts of men everywhere. Makes us go all weak at the knees and tremble in terror. Not that we'd show it of course because we're all manly and stuff.' He moved closer and whispered, 'Men everywhere are going to hate me for letting you in on that secret so when they break me it will be your fault.'

'Your secret's safe with me.' she laughed and there was a knock at the door. 'That's breakfast, I'll get it.'

'Ah, no,' Joker turned her around and looked her up and down shamelessly, 'I'll get it, you put some clothes on so I can eat.' He grinned and walked away.

She returned covered in her robe to find that breakfast was a plentiful affair, Shepard laughed as she realised how much she'd ordered then watched in delight as Joker proceeded to eat most of it. She listened as he regaled her with tales of breakfast at home, how his dad would always pile up their plates and his mum would berate him for it and reduce their servings, only to have his dad sneak behind her and put it all back. He and his sister would laugh and his mum would throw her hands up in defeat, laughing with them.

They reminisced about the original Normandy and some of their missions. Joker reminded her about the close quarter drop on Ilos, leading the fleet in the battle for the Citadel and how good it felt to take down Sovereign. It was then she realised that he was a soldier, a warrior, only he didn't carry a gun. His weapon was his ship, his ability to fly it, to do what many others couldn't. Every time she was groundside he was up there in as much danger as she was, ready to swoop in and pick her up. She remembered his confidence, his skill, his determination and bravery, never hesitating to put his life on the line. He'd stepped up beside her and stayed there, not once doubting her or mistrusting her. He put his life in her hands just as much as she put hers in his. Without hesitation she reached for his hand, chuckling as he looked at her in surprise when she interlaced her fingers through his.

'Jeff,' she met his beautiful green eyes and knew she'd already lost her heart, she just had to admit it. 'I want you to know I care deeply for you, I don't want to hurt you but….. 'She felt his fingers tense and he looked away. 'I want to see where this goes, I need you in my life, as more than my pilot. I don't do casual, I don't want a one night stand or a fling. I value your friendship and I don't want to lose that but I'm willing to take the chance if you are.'

His eyes were wide as he looked back at her and he was quiet, his fingers gripping hers and she was afraid she'd misread his intentions. She watched as he slowly stood up and pulled her to her feet his arms sliding around her, pulling her into him.

'Ari, I'm yours as long as you want me,' he brushed the side of her face with his fingers and she marvelled at how soft his touch was, 'on one condition.'

'Which is?'

'That you try not to break me, too much anyway,' he laughed as she scowled at him. 'What! I'm fragile.'

'You'd better not piss me off then,' she chuckled but was quickly serious. 'Would you really have left?'

'Are you nuts, best ship in the galaxy, comfortable leather seats, big guns, what more could a man want,' he laughed again as she hit his arm playfully. 'Ow, watch it.' He shook his head, 'I could never leave you,' he brushed his thumb across her lips and she shivered. 'I'm just glad you didn't call my bluff.'

Time stood still as his lips found hers and she gave herself over to the rush of emotion, the divine pleasure of his touch and the depth of tenderness in his caress. Even the feel of his beard on her face was soft and gentle. She wrapped her arms around him, feeling for the first time the firmness of his build, the strength in his arms and the definition in his body. She wanted more, so much more and her hands slid to his waist, reaching for his shirt, aching to feel the skin underneath. Until someone knocked at the door.

'Damn,' she dropped her forehead to his chest, her breath rapid and her heart racing.

'That's company,' Joker sighed. 'You can get that, I need to hit the shower before I'm presentable.'

'Really,' she grinned wickedly and pulled him in close, he groaned as his arousal rubbed against her.

'Really,' he gently pushed her away and rolled his eyes. 'Go get the door woman,' he laughed and slapped her playfully on the behind as she walked past him, chuckling at the yelp that was definitely not something Commander Shepard would come out with.

* * *

Joker stepped out of the bathroom to find a bag on the bed with his jeans and a t-shirt inside which he donned quickly then turned to look for his cap that he'd forgotten to pick up earlier. He frowned when it wasn't on the nightstand where he'd left it. With a groan he knelt down and looked around on the floor, under the bed, among the blankets but it seemed to have disappeared. He was getting to his feet when he spied the bill sticking out from under Shepard's pillow.

She must have picked it up after he'd left, after she'd thrown him out. He pulled it out to find that it was damp. Had she been crying into his cap? The image of her curled up, hugging his cap and crying was enough to break his heart and yet it gave him goose bumps and made him smile. He placed it on his head and walked to the door.

He leant against the doorjamb and chuckled as he took in the sight before him. Shepard, Kasumi and Chakwas were finishing the remnants of breakfast, chatting and laughing while Mordin stood over them watching, as if they were some kind of science experiment gone wrong. Joker found his eyes drawn to Shepard, she looked so relaxed, so content but he knew it was only on the surface. As if she felt him watching her she turned and met his eyes. His breath stopped in his chest, there was so much passion in her gaze. He felt it wash over him, he couldn't deny the longing it aroused in him and he smiled at her. It amazed him that this strong beautiful woman wanted him, needed him, he just hoped he wasn't going to let her down, disappoint her, that he was going to be enough for her. She smiled at him and he felt the darkness of the last two years disappear, as if the sun had come out for the very first time.

'Shepard looks better,' Garrus had moved beside him and he jumped at the sound of his voice.

'Shit, Garrus, give a guy some warning.'

'Sorry,' Garrus chuckled.

'Yeah, she is. She needed this, needs more time, but she'll get better.' Joker knew the demons hadn't been driven out, only sidelined for a while but it was a start. 'Got a bit rough for a bit but she's dealing with it.'

'We're all here for her, she knows that,' Garrus leant on the wall alongside him.

'She knows that but you also know what she's like. She's too damn stubborn to admit she needs help. She is Commander Shepard.'

'That's true,' Garrus agreed. 'We just have to make sure she gets some down time and from the look she just gave you, assuming I've learned to read humans, I'd say you'd better have down time when she does.' He chuckled as Joker's face coloured.

'That obvious, huh?'

'Has been for some time now,' Garrus laughed and patted Joker's shoulder gently, 'but only to those who know you both well, 'he stood up and started to move towards Shepard. 'And the crew and probably everyone who's been within seeing distance….' Joker groaned softly as he followed Garrus who was enjoying himself at his expense.

Joker stood beside Shepard and as much as he wanted to touch her he wasn't sure how they were going to handle things around others yet so he hesitated. There was no uncertainty from Shepard though as she got up from her seat and slid her arm around his waist, pulling him in towards her and kissing him gently. There was no indecision in his response, his arm wrapped around her waist and he smiled as she pulled back from her kiss.

'Hey you,' she mirrored his smile. 'Feel better now.'

'Yeah, but you do know you're torturing me don't you.'

'All part of my evil plan,' she chuckled and they both turned as Kasumi gave a squeal.

'Yes!' she was almost jumping up and down with excitement. 'I knew it and about time.'

'This stays in this room,' Shepard looked at those around her, the joy in her eyes not hidden from any of them. 'You are the people I trust the most so don't let me down.'

'Whatever you say, Shepard,' they all agreed.

'Joker said you had a vermin problem,' Mordin looked puzzled, 'No sign of vermin, room is surprisingly clean.'

'Not the kind of vermin I meant,' Joker shook his head before looking at Shepard. 'The reason we knew you were in trouble last night was because of EDI. She is somehow tracking your biometric readings when you're not wearing your armour.' He saw her face pale as her fears came to life. He pulled her in tighter and brushed her face gently, 'I thought we'd find out how.'

'I did a complete scan when Shepard came back on the Normandy,' Dr Chakwas looked and sounded concerned. 'Nothing showed up.'

'Maybe not detected because not artificial,' Mordin was talking as he worked on the scanner he'd brought with him. 'Possibly included in regrowth of tissue, part of cybernetic implants perhaps.'

'Of course,' Chakwas nodded. 'I logged her cybernetics but didn't think to check for readings. I'm sorry Shepard,' she was upset that she hadn't thought about it.

'It's okay doctor,' Shepard reached out and took her hand. 'We can find out now. Where do you want to do this?' She looked to Mordin.

'Lying down would be best, perhaps bedroom.'

Joker gave her a gentle squeeze before releasing her into the hands of Mordin and Chakwas. He watched the door close and wondered if she would still be as happy and relaxed when she came out. He sighed and dropped into a chair, his gaze wandering to the view outside but not seeing the beauty in it.

'Well done,' Garrus placed his hand on Joker's shoulder.

'I hope so,' Joker nodded, hoping he hadn't caused more problems than he could solve.

* * *

Shepard tried to calm her churning stomach as she lay on the bed while Mordin passed his scanner over her. She watched as he adjusted the settings and did it again, slower this time, adjusted the settings again and started at her feet once more. She allowed her thoughts to drift, trying to ignore the fear in her heart. Joker, she thought of him and felt instant relief.

When she'd turned to see him standing in the doorway she'd almost gasped out loud. It was the first time she could remember seeing him out of uniform and the way his t-shirt hugged his body was more than she expected. She knew he had good upper body tone from years of using crutches but what she saw was more than just that. He was more defined than some of the marines she'd served with, more sculptured. When he smiled at her the world upended and she struggled to find her footing. Any doubt she had disappeared and was completely washed away when she realised he'd listened to her fears and cared enough to do something about them.

'Interesting,' Mordin brought her back to reality. 'Very clever, easily disconnected but clever.'

'What?' Shepard sat up.

'No artificial chips or sensors, cybernetics not producing readings,' Mordin looked at his readings and Shepard frowned at his pause. 'Readings coming from omnitool, unique in design with individual biometric scanner. Signal constant, all use monitored and recorded. Clever, omnitools standardised and widespread so no questioning of provision.'

'I thought all omnitools had scanners in them.' Shepard was puzzled.

'No, only medical interface tools, standard tools do not.' He turned and scanned Dr Chakwas. 'As suspected, signal from your tool as well, assume provided by Cerberus.'

'Yes,' Chakwas nodded, her anger easily seen.

'Can we stop the signal?'

'Easily done, but will alert watcher of discovery.' Mordin thought for a moment and a smile brightened his face as he looked up at Shepard. 'Is another option.'

Shepard felt relief wash over her as she accepted that yes Cerberus was tracking her but not through any type of chip. They might be clever in their method but they hadn't counted on Shepard and her team. They had underestimated and that would aid in their downfall. She looked up at Mordin.

'Tell me your plan, doctor.'


	12. Chapter 12

**** 12 ****

Joker wandered back onto the Normandy and felt like he was home. His unit on Mars or the Citadel had never felt that way, no other ship he'd served on had ever seemed like home either. The SR-1 had felt like this and now that he thought about it he knew it was because of Shepard. She had walked into his life, bringing chaos, adventure and destruction with her but she'd also brought her quirky sense of humour, her caring nature, her strength and determination. Somewhere along the way she had become the most important person in his life, being on her ship had become the only life he wanted. Having a second chance was something he never expected or dreamed of, but he had one and he wasn't going to let it go to waste.

He'd left Shepard in the hands of Kasumi and Chakwas and returned to the Normandy with Mordin, who had rushed off to his lab to work on the details of his plan to get around the Cerberus tracking. When he'd found out that he was being tracked as well it had pissed him off to know that his privacy wasn't as private as he thought. He had no doubt that the problem would be fixed and he should have known that he wasn't getting something for nothing, Cerberus didn't work that way, but it still annoyed the hell out of him.

He grinned as he remembered the almost evil smile on Shepard's face as they discussed their discovery and how they planned to fix it. She had been eager to get started so the ladies had gone shopping with a list from Mordin. Joker hadn't been up for wandering, his legs were still aching so he'd kissed her goodbye and come home. He couldn't stop the smile as he thought about kissing her, being with her, he hadn't wanted to leave her but they had to appear as if nothing had changed. Besides, he was eager to check on Shepard's quarters to make sure the problem had been fixed.

Joker stepped into the loft and was relieved to see the skylight had been covered, it now had a retractable shutter like the observation lounges. Miranda had kept her word. He looked around and couldn't ignore how sterile the room was, it wasn't welcoming at all. It felt cold and the empty fish tank was just a complete waste of space. He thought about it for a moment then grinned as he turned and left, heading out to visit an old friend.

It was a couple of hours later when Joker headed down to the shuttle bay to check on another suggestion he'd made. He was about to step onto the elevator when Miranda pulled him aside.

'Where is Shepard?' She seemed flustered and Joker wondered if the boss had been on her back.

'She said she had something to do,' he watched as she paced, absently playing with her fingers. 'Something wrong?'

'No, I just…' as if she realised she was giving something away she stopped and pulled herself together. 'I'll send her a message.'

'Oh right, just forget that she's on medical leave, that she needs a break, that she's lost two years of her life and needs some time to adjust.' His anger was taking hold, but before he could vent any further Miranda looked at him and he saw pain in her eyes.

'I know you don't like me, Mr Moreau, but I do have Shepard's best interests at heart. I want to see her alive and well just as much as you.' She sighed and turned to walk away.

'Hey, Miranda,' Joker felt a little guilty that he accused her of not caring every time they spoke. Maybe she did care, maybe he'd misjudged. 'Thanks for fixing Shepard's quarters.'

'We need her at her best to complete this mission, it's what we brought her back for.' And maybe he hadn't he thought as he stepped into the elevator.

Joker had been taking advantage of the gym that Jacob had set up in a corner of the shuttle bay. He was keeping up his physio and he enjoyed the burning in his muscles, the strength that was slowly building. Sitting in the pilot's seat for so many hours a day didn't help his legs and, as much as he loved his job, he wanted his legs to be better now that they could be. They'd never be perfect but they could be better. He'd always had good upper body strength and tone, he'd needed it because his legs wouldn't support him. Now he wanted more, he wanted to be stronger, to be more like someone who went out on missions, who could watch a team mate's back. Not that he ever would, but he wanted to feel like he could.

With that in mind he had asked Jacob about setting up a shooting range. His conversation with Shepard about her not being herself had played on his mind and the threat at Purgatory had opened his eyes. If they were ever boarded he wanted to know he could at least try to defend his ship, his Commander. _Yeah right, like she needed his help._ He was surprised when Jacob agreed, even complimented him on having the idea. It took some doing but they picked up supplies from Nos Astra and eventually they had a small range set up in the bay.

Joker had done his weapons training when he joined the Alliance and got impressive scores, but he'd never kept it up. Alliance regs stated that he should have a pistol at hand, but he'd never really felt like he needed one. He didn't need one now, but he wanted one. He looked at the weapons laid out on the bench and he wasn't sure which gun he should be using, he remembered the assault rifle but he knew it had a kick, almost broke his shoulder during training.

'Use the pistol,' Jacob came up behind him and handed him one of the smaller, lighter weapons. 'Less kickback but impressive force, we can mod it so it's lighter if you can't handle it.'

Joker held the weapon and was surprised that it felt natural. He raised it and looked down the sights, he could handle this. He loaded the weapon and walked to the line. The first shot went wide and he felt the jerk through his wrists but he was determined. He took a deep breath, sighted, exhaled and fired. A hit. Not a fatal shot but enough to stop someone.

'Nice.'

Jacob walked over, took the pistol from him, and went back to the weapons bench. Joker watched as he worked, taking note of how everything went together. Jacob handed the weapon back and he was surprised at how much lighter it was. There was also a new sight scope and Joker grinned as he stepped up to the line.

Deep breath.

Sight.

Exhale.

Fire.

A hit. And his wrists didn't hurt. He smiled as he heard Jacob chuckle beside him. Guessing that it was just pure luck he did it again. Definitely fatal. He was rather pleased with himself, he'd always done his best at everything and that included weapons training. He'd always felt like he had to prove a point. He hadn't not been able to use a gun, he just hadn't wanted to. He'd only wanted to be a pilot and that didn't require guns.

'Didn't realise you knew how to shoot,' Jacob picked up an assault rifle and began pulling it apart.

'Always been able to, never needed to,' Joker watched him work. 'Not much call for guns on the bridge.'

'Guess not,' Jacob checked the sights and handed the assault rifle to Joker. 'Try this.'

Joker eyed the weapon suspiciously but took it anyway. It felt light and he lifted it to his shoulder, sighted and fired. There was some kickback but not enough to do any damage. He turned to Jacob in surprise.

'Recoil mod,' Jacob grinned. 'Guess they didn't have those when you went through basic. This one's an early model, some of the newer ones are even better.'

'Nice,' Joker grinned and turned back to try again. He could get used to this.

'What's this, someone put a range on my ship and didn't tell me.'

Joker felt his heart skip as Shepard came up behind them. He looked down at her and smiled at the excitement on her face, he wasn't sure if it was because of him or she just liked shooting guns and now she wouldn't have to wait for a mission. She chuckled as she moved beside him and looked at the weapon in his hand. Her eyebrows went up and her eyes were wide as she met his amused stare.

'It was Joker's idea,' Jacob thumbed in his direction. 'EDI helped me set it up.'

'Really!' Shepard's eyebrows went up even further and Joker almost laughed.

'I do have good ideas sometimes,' his eyes narrowed as he realised she was in her armour. Thought you were on a day off.'

'Miranda needs help with a problem and you know I'm not one for sitting around when I can shoot something.' She grinned at him. 'Can I assume all safety protocols have been followed,' she turned to Jacob.

'Yes, we're using training clips, kinetic barriers and EDI has assured me there's no danger to the ship or crew.'

'Good,' she nodded and took the rifle from Joker's hands. 'Probably should put a newer model mod in, make it lighter as well.'

'I had planned to do that,' Jacob took the rifle to the workbench. 'But he can handle a pistol.'

'Really,' the eyebrows went up again and Joker laughed this time.

'Really, Shepard. I'm not just a hotshot pilot you know. I did weapons training as well.' He picked up the pistol and walked back to the line. He was a little nervous now that Shepard was watching but he didn't let it show. His shot was perfect, possibly fatal.

'I'm impressed!' Shepard chuckled. 'Can you do it again?'

Joker rolled his eyes at her and fired off another round. Again a good shot, enough to take someone down. He waggled his eyebrows at her and grinned. 'See, not just a pretty face either.'

'Okay,' Shepard laughed. 'But if you're going to do this let's make sure you do it right.' She moved behind him and very carefully nudged his feet apart slightly. 'You need to find your centre, you know what's comfortable but you also need to be balanced.'

'I get it, Shepard,' he grabbed her arm as she ran her hand down his leg, trying to ignore the shiver that ran up his spine. He met her eyes as she looked up at him and he realised she knew exactly what she was doing to him.

'Good,' she nodded and he was sure she was blushing as she straightened up and turned her face away. 'You need to soften your grip, pull your elbows in and down, let them absorb the recoil.' She placed her hand over his and adjusted his grip.

Joker almost gasped at her touch. _Was she shaking?_ He fought to focus his thoughts as her fingers lingered on his before sliding away gently as she stepped back.

'Try it now,' she met his eyes and he had to force himself to turn his head.

Joker looked down the sights, trying to calm his racing heart and steady his hands. He pulled in a deep breath before exhaling and pulling the trigger. A perfect shot. Beside him Shepard noisily let out the breath she'd been holding and he turned his head to look at her.

'Well done, don't try aiming for the head though. Aim for the body, might not kill someone but it will definitely stop them and it's a bigger target,' she grinned and whether she meant to or not she grabbed his arm and hugged it.

'Hey, breakable here,' Joker reminded her and she looked up at him in panic. With a laugh he licked his finger and dragged it through the air.

Shepard shook her head and laughed. 'Okay, I'll give you that one.' The glance she gave him held a mixture of humour, pride, and something else that he couldn't quite read. 'I've got work to do,' she rubbed his arm absently, 'oh yeah, I left a present for you on your chair,' she grinned before turning and walking away.

Joker watched her leave, damn he loved that view. He heard Jacob chuckle and turned to look at him, 'What?'

'Man, you've got it bad.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' Joker fiddled with the pistol grip so Jacob wouldn't see the colour in his face.

'Sure,' he chuckled. 'What's worse is Shepard's got it too.'

'What!' Joker spun to face him. 'What makes you say that?'

'I think it's pretty obvious,' Jacob shook his head. 'Good luck, I think you're going to have your hands full.' He laughed and headed for the elevator.

Joker stared after him and shook his head, they would have to be more careful, but the warmth and the tingle of his arm where Shepard had been rubbing made being careful the last thing on his mind. Remembering Shepard's parting words he headed back to the bridge where he found a package and a note on his chair.

_Dinner tonight_ , he read the address and time then chuckled as he read the rest – _yes, it is a date._

He opened the package to find a leather, bomber style jacket with wings embroidered on the left breast pocket. He tried it on for size and grinned when he found a cap in the pocket. It was a black cap with the word 'Flyboy' in white on the bill. It reminded him of the old moves he'd watched as a kid where the pilots always wore bomber jackets and caps. He was surprised not only that she'd found it but that she'd thought of him when she did. He checked the time, still several hours before their 'date', so he sat in his chair and turned on Shepard's suit feed. If she had to go to work, so did he. He looked up just in time to see Shepard breaking the neck of an Eclipse merc before all hell broke loose.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone reading, hope you're enjoying it. This chapter is a little longer than normal, didn't plan it that way it just happened. In fact I had planned it to go in a completely different direction but Joker was in my ear - I'm sure you can imagine that conversation - lol!
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy and please let me know if you think something is wrong or out of character.

 

**** 13 ****

Joker checked his hair for the fourth time, straightened his collar for the third time, sighed and slipped on the jacket and cap Shepard had given him. He looked at himself in the mirror and was fairly happy with what he saw, he'd tidied his beard and his hair was reasonably neat. He wiped his palms on his jeans, took a deep breath and headed for the elevator.

Kasumi met him as he stepped into the corridor and she smiled knowingly. He felt her grin as she joined him in the elevator, not speaking, but he was sure she was enjoying his nervousness. He glanced at her as the doors closed and couldn't keep quiet.

'Do I have dirt on my face or something?' He scowled at her.

'No,' she chuckled, 'just admiring the view.'

'Really?' His surprise was genuine, he'd never thought of himself as good looking, he imagined others saw him as he saw himself, a cripple with a hunched stance and awkward movements. Although he had felt better about himself of late, now that he could walk almost normally and no more crutches.

'Really,' Kasumi laughed. 'You brush up pretty good. Having dinner with Shep I assume.'

'Yep,' He couldn't help the grin that seemed permanently plastered to his face.

'I'm glad,' she slid her hand into the crook of his elbow. 'I think you two are good together, and you both deserve some happiness.'

'Thanks,' he looked down at her, 'how are things with Jacob?'

'I think he's finally starting to notice me,' she grinned and squeezed his arm gently.

'Maybe you should ask him out for a drink or something,' Joker chuckled at her enthusiasm.

'I might just do that,' she followed him out as the elevator stopped. 'You have a good night,' she winked and headed for the armoury.

'You look very nice, are you going out?' Kelly Chambers stepped in front of him as he headed towards the bridge.

'Yep,' he tried to sidestep but she stopped him and placed her hand on his chest. Most of the time he managed to avoid her, but not this time.

'Want some company?'

'Ah, no,' he tried to hide the sense of creepiness he always felt around her. 'Meeting someone.'

'Shame,' she ran her hand towards his belt and he grabbed it hurriedly. 'I could have shown you a good time.'

 _Eww! Think I'll be sick now._ He managed to hide his disgust, 'No thanks, Chambers, you're not my type.' He slipped around her and hurried into the airlock, eager to get off the ship.

'Mr Moreau,' EDI stopped him.

'What is it EDI?'

'I thought we might carry out those diagnostics now.'

'Sorry, going out,' he glanced at the blue orb and a strange sense of foreboding ran through him.

'The safety of the ship and crew are of more importance.'

'Thing about us humans is that we need to have some fun, all work and no play, you know.' He tried to keep it light but something about EDI's tone felt off. 'I'll see you later.'

He brushed away his concerns as he took a sky cab to the address Shepard had left. His nerves returned as the cab landed and he looked up in surprise at an Earth type establishment, a pub. He glanced around and realised everything around him was from Earth, clothing stores, food stores, even furniture stores. It was like the Earth quarter of Nos Astra. Trust Shepard to find it. His hand was shaking as he opened the door and walked into a very busy and noisy bar, it was mostly a human crowd but he could see a few Asari and a couple of Turians mixed in.

He looked around but had to look twice to make sure he was looking at his Commander. _Holy shit!_ She'd put on make-up and her hair was anything but the disheveled, rough style it usually was. _She's stunning!_ He realised that a group of well-built sailors surrounded her, from the uniform he would say a merchant crew. They were vying for her attention and she laughed with them. A pang that could only have been jealousy stabbed him in the gut and he wondered, probably not for the last time, if he really was going to be enough for her.

Then she turned and saw him. Any doubt disappeared as her eyes lit up and her smile was bright enough to outshine the sun. The sailors around her followed her gaze and their eyes narrowed in resentment. He felt like the strongest, healthiest man in the world. With a grin he walked towards her, holding himself upright and not the least bit concerned about tripping over someone's foot. Her eyes never left him and he finally got to see what she was wearing, skin tight black trousers and a close fitting, low cut t-shirt with a light jacket. He could understand why she'd been the centre of attention.

'Hey you,' she purred as she slid her hand around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

'Hey yourself,' he murmured into her lips as they met, his arms instinctively wrapping around her. 'How did you find this place?' He pulled back far enough to take in her face. Her eyes were shining, the blue grey colour made even more obvious by her eye shadow. He was in heaven and holding an angel in his arms, a deadly, beautiful angel that drew every eye in the room. _She's with me so eat that!_

'Liara told me about it. Apparently there are several human businesses setting up shop here and other businesses follow.' She brushed her fingers down his face and he kissed them lightly. 'I am so glad you came and you look great. That jacket suits you.'

'Right, like I'm going to turn down dinner with someone as stunning as you. Breakable, not stupid.' He grinned, 'thanks for the jacket too, reminds me of the one I had as a kid.' He took off his cap and slid it into his pocket, grinning even wider when Shepard ran her fingers through his hair.

'Moreau?'

Joker turned and blanched as he saw who'd called his name. He felt Shepard grip his fingers and slide her other arm around his shoulder.

'Moreau that is you?'

'Sinclair,' Joker acknowledged the blonde haired man walking towards him.

Last time he'd seen him had been at flight school, he and his friends had made it very clear that Joker shouldn't be flying, that he shouldn't be anything other than a stay at home cripple. They had cornered him in the shower, left him with several broken bones and badly wounded pride. Joker hadn't reported the incident but he'd got his own back when his scores had been perfect and Sinclair's were far from it. Joker knew he'd been given a desk job, the alliance hadn't trusted him, they had eventually allowed him to fly shuttles but after his third accident they put him back behind a desk. He'd quit not long after and Joker hadn't heard of him since.

'Small universe, huh.' He came to a stop before Joker and held out his hand, reluctantly Joker took it but quickly released it. 'What are you doing out here?'

'Flying, you know.' He noticed that Sinclair was wearing the same shirt as the sailors around him. 'You're flying a merchant ship?'

'Yeah, it's a job. What are you flying, shuttles?'

'Not likely,' Shepard spoke up, gently squeezing his fingers as she did. 'Joker's too good to be stuck flying shuttles.'

Sinclair looked at Shepard and his eyes widened. Joker's heart soared and he felt euphoric. At flight school Sinclair had been a ladies man but he'd also earned a reputation for loving and leaving. He'd hurt more women than he'd made happy.

'So what,' Sinclair's eyes were glued to Shepard, 'personal cruiser, transport or merchant?'

'Oh, much better than that,' Shepard laughed and she met Joker's eyes as he turned to look at her, he wasn't sure he wanted her to continue. As much as it would put Sinclair in his place, he wasn't sure it wouldn't provoke the wrong reaction. He saw the pride in her eyes and decided it was worth the risk.

'State of the art warship,' Joker was speaking to Shepard, ignoring the stares of those around him. 'Would you call her that?'

'Most definitely,' she grinned. 'And you make her dance so well.'

'I do don't I,' he lost all self-doubt, 'but only for you.'

'Warship?' Sinclair scoffed and Shepard glared at him. 'Like that's the truth, with your bones. I heard the Alliance kicked you out.' Some of his crewmates snickered and Joker felt Shepard tense beside him, her fingers gripping his in support.

Before he could respond Shepard slid off her stool, her eyes dark and cold. 'Why would the Alliance kick out the pilot of the Normandy, the ship that helped take down Sovereign at the battle of the Citadel, someone who can fly into a volcano, who's pulled his commander's ass out of the fire more than once.'

She stepped forward and Sinclair took a hurried step back. 'Joker is the best damn pilot I've ever had the pleasure of serving with and I've served with a lot. You should be thankful he's at the helm of the ship that's taking on the Collectors and saving your collective asses.' She looked around at his crewmates and they too seemed cowed by her tone and stance. Joker gently squeezed her fingers and she stepped back beside him.

'Shepard?' Sinclair paled and Joker wanted to jump up and cheer. 'Heard you were dead.' He looked at Joker and there was doubt in his eyes. 'The Normandy was destroyed, you lost that ship, killed your Commander.' He looked from Joker to Shepard and sneered.

'She's back, bigger and better than ever,' Shepard continued calmly but Joker knew it wouldn't take much for her to knock Sinclair on his ass. He felt a reassuring squeeze of his fingers, 'with the best pilot in the galaxy at the helm.'

Sinclair was uncertain, confused and Joker laughed at his inability to form a coherent sentence. Around him the sailors stepped back with new found respect for the woman they had thought was simply out for fun. Joker brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them lightly.

'Always knew you had a way with words but I think you've stumped him.'

'He was bagging you, what else could I do.' She shrugged and kissed him. 'What can I say, I protect what's mine.'

'You know, I always resented you, I thought you were getting special treatment,' Sinclair sighed and held out his hand with genuine respect this time. 'I'm sorry, Moreau, I guess I misjudged.'

'Joker,' Shepard's eyes held his and Joker had never felt more alive or confident than he did right then. 'His name is Joker.'

'It's okay,' Joker finally turned and took Sinclair's hand, making sure he allowed some of his strength to show. 'Anyone can be an asshole.'

Sinclair snorted, 'guess I deserve that. Can I at least buy you a drink?'

'Nope.' Shepard shook her head, 'we have a dinner reservation.' She pulled Joker's arm around her, placing his hand on her hip as they turned towards the dining area and Joker was sure those behind them were turning green with envy. _Shit, that felt good!_

He was laughing and so was Shepard as they took their seats. 'What was that?' He asked as they browsed the menu.

'I wasn't going to let him put you down, make fun of you to show off. Like I said, I protect what's mine.' She shrugged.

'Am I yours?' he asked playfully.

'Only if you want to be,' she quipped back with a grin she tried to hide.

'Told you before, breakable, not stupid.' He laughed and she reached for his hand.

'Guess we'll just have to be careful then,' her voice was low and sultry and his stomach fluttered. 'So, who was that idiot?'

'Just someone from flight school, made sure I knew he thought I didn't belong there,' he tried to hide the pain that came with the memory.

'I should have hit him,' Shepard scowled.

'I think what you did was better,' Joker laughed, 'besides, wouldn't want to get thrown out before we've eaten.'

'True, I am hungry,' she paused for a moment then looked up at him, 'although I think we should get desert to go.'

His thoughts ran out of control at the hint in her gaze and he found it extremely difficult to read the menu. The colour of her lips, the shine in her eyes and the lazy circles she was drawing on his hand with her thumb didn't help. His nerves were back in full force and he tried to control his racing heart as he linked his fingers through hers, begging his eyes to stay on the menu before him, they didn't and he glanced up. Shepard's face was flushed which gave him a great sense of relief, he wasn't the only one nervous apparently.

Dinner was a quiet affair, some small talk but Joker's thoughts wandered every time she licked her lips or their legs touched. They were finished dinner when the sounds of a band filtered through from the main bar, Shepard grabbed Joker's hand and pulled him towards the music. They entered the room to find it more crowded than before and Joker balked at the thought of fighting their way through the mass. He was looking for options when movement and sound made them both turn.

'Shepard!' Jack was standing on a seat waving at them.

 _Damn!_ Joker went to pull his hand from Shepard's but she refused to let go. She glanced at him with smile and he shrugged. Slowly they worked their way around the crowd, eventually ending up at a booth to find Jack, Kasumi, Jacob, Daniels and Donnelly enjoying drinks, the music and each others company. Shepard slid into the seat pulling him along with her, ignoring the raised eyebrows at the sight of their clasped hands. Joker was about to suggest he get them drinks but the thought of working his way through the crowd must have shown.

'Stay there, flyboy,' Jack shook her head. 'I'll get drinks.' She was chuckling as she headed for the bar.

'See, she's not all bad,' Shepard leaned in and her breath against his ear made him suck in a breath.

'No, just a half-naked, biotic powerhouse who could crush me with a wave of her hand,' he chuckled, hoping he covered the hitch in his breathing.

Jack was no sooner back than she was dragging the girls up on to the dance floor. Joker watched in amusement as Shepard wriggled around to the music, he wouldn't call it dancing and he heard Jacob chuckle beside him.

'She really can't dance, can she?'

'No,' Joker shook his head and laughed. 'With her grace on the battlefield you'd expect her to be better at it.

'So, you and the Commander?' Donnelly wiggled his eyebrows and Joker groaned silently, no chance of hiding it now.

'Yeah, guess so,' he shrugged and both men laughed.

'Good on ya, man,' Donnelly grinned, 'she deserves some happiness.'

Joker was surprised at the sentiment in Donnelly's words but he was right, she did deserve some happiness, he hoped he could give it to her. He noticed Sinclair and his crew watching the women, drinking, commenting and laughing, more than once looking in his direction. It didn't surprise him in the least when they joined the women on the dance floor, working their way closer, trying to insinuate themselves among the four of them. Jack was happy to dance with them but he could see Shepard wasn't and neither were Daniels or Kasumi. The more the men tried to intrude the more uncomfortable the women became. The music changed to something slower and before the three women could leave the dance floor one of the men tried to grab Daniels and pull her close.

Donnelly leapt to his feet and would have rushed forward but Jacob stopped him, 'I think we need to cut in, gently.' He glanced at Joker who was watching Sinclair as he tried to get Shepard to dance with him. 'Joker, it's a slow dance, can you manage it?' They all knew Shepard could handle the situation but they had her back without hesitation, besides, it was the manly thing to do.

'Yeah,' Joker stood up, his fears pushed aside as he walked towards Shepard. He stepped between her and Sinclair, 'I believe this is my dance,' he felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder and she smiled at him with wide eyes. He pulled her in close and they began a slow shuffle, moving together as one to the beat. Slow dancing was something he done before but mostly with his mum or sister. He'd never risked it in public, too afraid of tripping and falling, but he wouldn't miss this even if it meant he broke every bone in his body. The feel of her body against his, her head nestled on his shoulder and her arms around him made his caution and fear disappear.

'I was having this dance,' Sinclair growled and spun Joker around angrily.

Joker used Sinclair's pull against him, taking advantage of the inertia to bring his fist up into Sinclair's face. All the pain and self-doubt he'd suffered at the hands of Sinclair and his cronies went into that punch, it was hard enough to break his nose. The pain in his hand was worth the look of utter shock on the other man's face as he felt Shepard pull him back and examine his fingers. He knew he'd dislocated at least one finger but damn it felt good.

Joker heard scuffles around him and suddenly a barrier went up. The sound of cocking guns made him turn. The crew from the merchant ship had drawn weapons so Jacob had thrown up a barrier around the Normandy crew. Shepard looked from his hand to his eyes and he nodded as she brought his hand up to his chest, resting it gently against him before turning to face the angry sailors outside the barrier.

'What the hell is going on?' A rough, loud voice spoke from behind the bar and a tall, well-built man who looked ex-military walked towards them.

'He broke my nose!' Sinclair whined through the blood pouring down his face but the man, who was obviously the establishment owner, simply glared at him.

'About time someone did,' the man turned to the rest of the merchant crew. 'Get yourselves and your guns out of my bar. I'm fed up with you annoying my customers. Don't come back.'

For a moment it looked as if they were about to argue with him but thought better and slowly left the building. Jacob let his barrier drop and Shepard turned to face the barkeeper.

'Sorry, didn't mean to cause you problems.'

'You didn't,' he scowled at the retreating backs of the merchant crew. 'Every time they come in here someone ends up bloody. I'm glad this time it was one of them, besides,' he turned to Shepard and smiled, 'I'd rather have Commander Shepard and her crew in here any day.'

'Thanks,' Shepard chuckled. 'We'll try to avoid trouble.'

With a nod he walked away and Shepard led Joker back to their table as the band started up again. Once he was seated she took his hand in hers and gently wrapped her fingers around the dislocated finger. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with pride but also a touch of sadness and he could only assume it was because she was about to cause him more pain. He nodded and sucked in a breath as he felt her pull his finger back into place. He hissed through the pain as she pulled the second finger into place.

'Fuck!' Jack stood watching, her eyes wide. 'You're braver than I thought.'

'Thanks, gimme a minute and you can take me on?' Joker grunted and flexed his fingers cautiously as Shepard released her hold.

'Not likely, Shepard would kill me for breaking you,' Jack snorted.

'Nice to know you care,' Joker chuckled, the pain in his hand lessening but he knew he was going to be sore for a couple of days. At least it wasn't his dominant hand.

'You didn't have to do that,' Shepard pulled his face around so he was looking at her, 'but thank you.'

'Hey, he was manhandling my girl, had to protect you.'

'So, I'm your girl now?'

'Yep, my babe,' Joker grinned and Shepard laughed before kissing him.

'For fucks sake, get a room,' Jack groaned.

'We have one,' Shepard chuckled. 'Ready to leave?'

'Oh yeah,' Joker's grin couldn't get any wider as he stood up and offered Shepard his hand.

'Jack, Kasumi, be ready to go after our Justicar first thing. We're leaving as soon as she's aboard.' Shepard took the offered hand then slid her arm around his waist. 'Have fun and don't get into too much trouble, please.'

Joker felt like he was floating as they climbed into a sky cab. He was finding it hard to believe that tonight had happened. He'd had dinner and danced with the woman of his dreams, punched a man he always hated and now he was heading back to Shepard's room with her. He pinched himself on the leg. _Yep, I'm awake_. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face and when he glanced at Shepard she was grinning too. _This night just keeps getting better_. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she snuggled into him. _Yep, better and better._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! Adult stuff following - read at your own peril, discretion or pleasure.
> 
> Seriously though. This chapter is all about what happens between two consenting adults when they love each other. If you are uncomfortable reading this kind of stuff please skip this chapter. I promise you can continue reading although events in this chapter may be referred to in future ones.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, I like to think it's tasteful and it's their fault this is a bit longer. ;-)

****  14  ****

Joker couldn't keep the smirk off his face. He was like a kid in a candy store, everything he'd ever wanted was right before him and he had no idea where to start. He hated to admit that he was nervous. He could count his sexual encounters on both hands and watching on the extranet didn't mean anything, although he'd picked up plenty of pointers. The one serious relationship he'd had was more emotional than physical, even though he'd wanted it to be more the woman he thought loved him was hesitant. He realised later she'd pitied him and he'd avoided women for a long time.

They'd entered the elevator along with several others so he had tucked himself in the back corner and leaned against the wall. Shepard had done the same in the opposite corner and their eyes had never left each other. The anticipation was killing him and from the half smile on Shepard's lips she was just as eager as he was. He felt the uncomfortable glances from the others who shared their space but he didn't care.

He slowly allowed his eyes to roam, working their way from her eyes to her lips, her neck, her breasts. He followed the curve of her hip to her thighs, lingering where her legs met. His body responded and his jeans tightened around him. The curve of her breasts called out for his hands and he imagined his mouth around the nipple that poked through her shirt. His jeans were quickly becoming uncomfortable. As if reading his mind she opened her jacket further, exposing both pert nipples and he almost groaned aloud. She deliberately licked her lips leaving them moist and shiny. Joker's breath hitched and a woman at the front of the elevator turned to look at him. He ignored her.

Shepard's half smile turned up a little further as she raised her hand to her mouth and ran her finger across her lips. The man standing closest to Shepard cleared his throat and shuffled his feet but she ignored him. Her smile turned into a grin as she slipped her finger into her mouth and back out. It was all Joker could do to stay standing, he dropped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, trying to regain some kind of control over the sensations he was feeling. There was no room left in his jeans and it was getting painful. He looked over at Shepard and found her eyes exploring him. The smirk on his face turned into a grin when she dropped her gaze to his groin and her eyes widened. The elevator stopped and all bar one person got off. They didn't notice. Shepard smiled and licked her lips again, Joker didn't think he could get any harder but his body proved him wrong. He almost moaned and his breathing became more rapid, his heart was racing. _Shit! Think of something else!_

* * *

Shepard watched as Joker's eyes roamed and she couldn't believe the thrill it gave her. It made it even more interesting because they weren't the only ones in the elevator. The idea of arousing him without touching was something she would never have thought of, but the moment his beautiful green eyes started drinking her in her body responded in ways she'd never felt before.

She was nervous, she hadn't been with a man for a long time and there hadn't been many at all, but damn she wanted this. It felt right, the feelings that were starting to overwhelm her made her realise that this was meant to be. It wasn't just a physical thing, she felt connected to Joker, as if he belonged beside her. There was the fact that she was his CO, although he wasn't looking at her as if she was and she decided it didn't matter.

As their eyes met she understood that this wasn't just physical for him either, as much as he liked to make people believe he was a perv who lusted after women she knew better. It was obvious in the way he was looking at her. She'd felt it when he'd danced with her, when he'd kissed her. _God, it was hot in here!_ His eyes drifted lower and her heart skipped as he unconsciously licked his lips. His fingers curled and she saw his breath quicken, his muscular chest rising and falling and she so desperately wanted to run her hands over him.

The idea of arousing him quickened her pulse and as his eyes began their upward journey she opened her jacket, knowing her nipples were already hard. She wanted his mouth on them, wanted his tongue teasing her, the thought aroused her even more and she felt heat building between her legs. She'd never teased anyone before but she did now, Joker brought out the urge to have fun, to play a little. His breath hitched as she ran her tongue around the tip of her finger. She heard someone clear their throat and shuffle but she didn't care. Sliding her finger into her mouth excited her as much as him and she grinned as he dropped his head back and closed his eyes.

_God he's gorgeous!_ She'd thought that the moment he walked into the bar, the confidence in his walk and the tenderness in his touch had made her want him more. Now he was here. Her eyes moved lower, she saw the evidence of what she was doing to him and it thrilled her. The elevator stopped but she didn't notice who got off. The tightness of Joker's jeans left little to the imagination and the thought of him inside her almost made her moan aloud. She looked up to see a grin on his face and she licked her lips, knowing they weren't the only part of her that was wet, watching as his breathing quickened further, feeling the same response in herself. _Shit, calm down girl!_

The elevator stopped and she realised it was their floor. She curled herself off the wall slowly, purposely brushing her hand across her breast as she turned forward and she heard him whimper softly. She couldn't stop the smile that that broke out. Apparently neither could he and as they stepped from the elevator they were both grinning like madmen. There was a relieved sigh behind them but she ignored it. They still didn't touch but they were close enough to feel the heat from each other. Finally they reached her door and she almost dropped the key in her haste to get inside. She felt Joker's breath on her neck, felt his hand on her arm, his erection against her backside and she eagerly pushed the door open.

* * *

Joker watched her lick her lips and swallowed hard as they parted invitingly. Her sensuous curl from the wall and the way her hand brushed her breast was almost enough to send him over the edge and he cursed himself silently. Her knowing smile was contagious and he responded with a smile of his own. Not touching her was driving him nuts but the longing was like nothing he'd ever experienced and he cherished it, reveled in it. By the time they reached her door he was finding it hard to ignore the want, the need to hold her. He stood so close his breath caught her hair, he slid his hand down her arm and felt her shiver, her breath hitched as he pushed himself against her and she whimpered as the door finally opened.

The door was no sooner shut than he pinned her against the wall, his hands holding her face as he hungrily sought her lips. Every ounce of his passion, want, need and love went into that kiss and she moaned as her lips parted and his tongue found hers. The heat of her hands on his back, the feel of her breasts against his chest and the touch of his erection against her made him groan. _Fuck, he wanted her so badly!_ His hands moved down her arms, coming to rest on her hips and he pulled her closer so he could cup her backside. She pushed his jacket off and he released his hold to let it fall to the floor.

He quickly slid his arm around her and brought his other hand up, gently brushing his fingers across her breast as he trailed kisses down her neck. Her moans urged him on and he slid her jacket off and found his way under her t-shirt. The feel of her skin was almost his undoing.

'Ari,' he moaned into her neck. 'I want you so much.'

'I want you too, Jeff,' she cupped his face and lifted his head so she could look in his eyes. 'I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.' She kissed him slowly, sensually and he lost himself in the softness of her lips, in the taste of her.

As much as he enjoyed holding her against the wall he knew he couldn't stay there for much longer so he moved to lead her to the sofa. She hesitated, reached across the wall and he heard the privacy shutters close. With a half-smile she reached up and pulled him in for a kiss before letting him lead her across the room. He sat and she gently straddled his hips, her hands resting on his chest, his erection rubbing against the heat between her legs. He ached to feel her naked breasts against him so he lifted her shirt over her head. He kissed his way down her neck and she arched her back as he kissed her through her bra. She gasped as he caressed one nipple and nipped and sucked the other. He unclipped her bra and slid it down her arms, mesmerised by the revelation of her pink, erect nipples and the fullness of her breasts. He cupped them gently, ran his thumbs across the nipples and felt her breath catch.

He looked up and met her questioning eyes, 'Ari, you are so beautiful,' his hand slid to the back of her neck and pulled her down for a kiss, his lips and tongue eager to show her how much he wanted her.

Her hands pulled at his shirt and he sat forward so she could pull it over his head. He felt her soft kisses on his neck and as she leaned in her breasts rested against his chest. He pulled her in tight and found her lips, felt her bare skin and he forced himself to keep breathing. He trailed kisses down her neck, finally taking a nipple in his mouth. She shivered and her hand slid to the back of his neck, urging him on and he was happy to oblige. Her moans and whimpers made him giddy with delight, her enjoyment only made him want her more. He needed to be naked, to lie against her, to be inside her. A groan escaped at the thought and she lifted his head kissed him and stood up.

* * *

Shepard surrendered to him as he held her against the wall, his lips on hers. She'd never given in like this before and that excited her as much as Joker's kisses. The feel of his beard brushing across her skin highlighted the softness of his lips and the want and passion overwhelmed her. _Oh god, more, please more!_ His need was obvious, she felt it as he pushed against her. She needed to feel him, needed her hands on his skin. His hands slipped to her backside and her hands fumbled as she slid his jacket off. She had never felt as alive as she did right then. He kissed her neck and a moan escaped as he brushed across her nipple. She was on fire beneath his hands as they touched her bare skin and the sound of his voice, the need in him, only made her want him more.

She felt him urge her towards the sofa but she looked over his shoulder and felt a moment of panic at the starlit night outside. She hesitated to reach out and shut the privacy screens, she kissed him to cover her sudden fear then followed him willingly. She straddled his hips, making sure to keep her weight on her knees but the feel of his erection against the heat between her legs was almost enough to send her over the edge. She sucked in a breath as he pulled her shirt over her head and the wet warmth of his mouth through her bra made her arch into him. As he removed her bra she felt a moment of self-doubt and it must have shown in her eyes. _Beautiful, he thinks I'm beautiful._

The thought of her hands on his bare skin made her shiver and she pulled his shirt off. The kisses she placed on his neck made him tremble and the feel of her breasts against his chest was beyond euphoric, every part of her tingled. His kiss was hungry and she heard him gasp as he sucked on her nipple, she couldn't get enough, her fingers carded his hair as she encouraged him. She needed to be naked, to see him naked, to feel him inside her. She stood up and slowly, teasingly slid her trousers down, stepping out of them, aware of the longing in his eyes, of her own need. She hooked her fingers into the lace of her underwear and went to roll them down but his hands gripped hers and moved them away.

* * *

Joker couldn't take his eyes of her, she was perfect, every part of her. Yes she had scars, but she was a warrior, his warrior, and yet she was so soft, so tender. She slowly rolled her trousers down revealing her black lace underwear. She went to roll them down but he gripped her hands, she smiled as he pulled himself forward and placed soft kisses on her stomach, moving slowly down and hooking his fingers inside her panties. He heard her gasp as he kissed the line of lace, gradually pulling them down as his lips followed. He slid from the sofa and onto his knees, his tongue leaving a wet line down her thighs as her underwear reached the floor. He ran his hands up her legs and around to her backside, pulling her closer so he could kiss the curve of her hip, following an imaginary line, finally reaching the soft hair at the apex of her legs. His hand ran down the back of her thigh, urging her to rest her leg on his shoulder, her foot rested on the edge of the sofa, taking her weight, as his tongue explored her wet folds, finding the small bundle of nerves that made her quiver and moan in ecstasy. _Fuck, she's wet, she delicious._ His fingers gently slid across and slipped inside her, first one then two as she bucked in response. She gripped his head as he sucked and licked while his fingers moved inside her.

'Oh, god, Jeff,' she moaned and he groaned at the huskiness in her voice. 'Oh fuck,' she stammered as her hips bucked and her fingers gripped his shoulders. 'Jeff!'

He felt her quivering and shaking as she tightened against his fingers, his tongue and lips relishing the taste. He loved every second of her orgasm, loved the fact that he had brought her to release but it only wet his appetite for more. As if reading his mind she pulled his head up and kissed him deeply, her tongue delving into his mouth. She urged him to his feet, her hands quickly dropping to his trousers and pushing them down. His erection tented his boxers which she quickly relieved him off and he almost lost it as her fingers touched him.

'Fuck,' he moaned into her neck as she gently circled him, slowly moving up and down. 'Ari,' he pulled her in and kissed her as her thumb circled his tip and he gave a growl of pleasure.

She urged him to sit and he watched in disbelief as she smiled and kissed her way down his chest, his stomach, his thighs. He gasped and gripped the sofa as she kissed along his shaft, running her tongue around the tip before taking him into her mouth. _Oh fuck! Fuck! Oh, please yes!_ He'd never had a woman take him like that before. Sex had always been a hurried thing, just wanting to get it over with so they didn't hurt him, but this was more than just sex, this was pure bliss. Watching her lips close around him, the warmth of her mouth and the magic of her tongue was driving him to the edge. He tried to think of other things but that was impossible. Her eyes met his as she slid her hand around and gripped his ass, her lips sliding up, almost releasing him before sliding back down. He clutched her head as she increased her speed, his thrusts instinctive and the tension unbearable. _Shit, too close!_

'Ari,' he groaned, and held her still. 'I want to be inside you,' he watched her smile as she gave him a last kiss and crawled up his body.

He wrapped her in his arms loving the feel of her against him, the feel of her bare skin, her lips on his, her hands on him. She felt perfect, she fit in his arms like she was meant to be there. Their bodies instinctively moulded together as she straddled him. He met her eyes and the longing, the need, the passion matched his own, and as she slid over him he saw the delight and pleasure he felt mirrored in her eyes.

'Shit,' he gripped her hips as she sheathed him completely, his eyes never leaving hers.

'God, you feel so good,' she moaned, meeting his gaze.

Slowly they moved, she lifted herself until he was just inside then slid down to meet his thrust. Never had he felt so complete, so alive. He closed his eyes as sensations and emotions he'd never experienced washed over him. From her moans and increasing movements he gathered she was enjoying this as much as he was. Even in the throes of passion she was careful not to put her weight in the wrong place and he adored her for that. He loved the unbridled emotion on her face, the way she bit her bottom lip, the sound of her moans as she gradually lost control.

It was more than he had ever imagined, more than he'd ever hoped for, expected. His fingers dug into her backside as she let out a soft scream and tightened around him and he lost all self-control. He released into her with a strangled yell, burying his face in her breasts, holding her tight.

'Holy shit!' he gasped as they held each other.

'Yeah,' she laughed softly as her breathing slowed.

Gently she pulled him sideways onto the sofa and they lay wrapped in each others arms. He lightly kneaded her breast with his fingers and she giggled.

'My own personal stress ball,' he chuckled and she hit him playfully around the head.


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

_You're the reason why_   
_I lost this heart of mine_   
_At the very moment you arrived_   
_I can't believe this life was ever lonely_   
_No I can't imagine life before you_   
_You're the reason why_   
_I'm holding on so tight_   
_I never want to let this feeling go_   
_You're the reason why_   
_My love will never die_   
_My heart just could not sing if not for you_   
_What did I do_   
_Before the day I set my eyes on you_

_**The Reason Why** _

_**John Farnham** _

* * *

 

**** 15 ****

Joker sat in his leather seat, absently listening to the feed from Shepard's suit, a grin ghosting his face that he couldn't seem to get rid of. The last twenty-four hours were the best moments of his life and he pinched himself more than once to make sure he was awake. He'd woken up to find Shepard curled up against him, her fingers making patterns on his abdomen, her lips lightly kissing his chest. He instantly responded to her touch and they'd made love slowly and tenderly, still discovering each other but knowing instinctively what the other liked or needed.

Three times they'd woken up during the night and satisfied each other, each time more intense, more familiar. It had gone beyond just the physical act of sex, it had been beautiful and emotional for both of them, to the point of having tears in their eyes. The two years he'd grieved, blamed himself, suffered the loss of a love he'd never admitted became just a memory. Something he could now move on from. It was just a beginning and he wanted nothing more than to be with Shepard for the rest of his life. His one hope was that she felt the same.

He'd been in one serious relationship before, he thought it had been something special, that there was love. It had almost broken him when he realised it had been pity. The thought had never occurred to him that her hesitation about being physical had been because of him, because she considered him fragile, unable to be physically intimate. He had been eager and willing to satisfy her needs but she had balked at anything more than the quickest way to reach release, there had been very little discovery or foreplay. He'd accepted it because she'd told him she was virgin, not that he'd had many sexual encounters but he'd apparently had more than her. He'd just assumed she was inexperienced and nervous. Until the day she admitted that she didn't love him, that she'd felt sorry for him, she'd spent six months feeling sorry for him because she thought no-one else would want to be with him. To say he was hurt was an understatement. It had knocked his self-esteem through the floor, his self-confidence vanished and the thought that other women took pity on him was more than he could bear. He buried himself in his flying and protected himself with sarcasm and aloofness.

Shepard had broken through all that. She saw him as a man, not a cripple or a weakling but someone who was her equal, someone who deserved respect. Yeah, she was aware of his limitations but she cared enough to see past them, to let him be the judge of his ability. She valued his opinions and admired his skill, it was obvious in the way she spoke to him, the way she treated him. It was this and so much more that made him fall in love with her. _Not to mention the fact that she's beautiful, sexy and smart._ His life had been empty before Shepard, he knew something had been missing and now that he'd found it he couldn't let it go. She was the reason he felt alive, for the constant grin on his face, for the belief that there was a brighter future ahead.

'Fuck, someone take that thing down!'

Jack's curse dragged him back to the present and he looked up to see a gunship firing on Shepard and her team. As much as he knew Shepard had taken them down before it was still nerve wracking to watch as she had to dive for cover, avoid the gunship and the mechs it dropped. He unconsciously gripped his chair as a Fenris mech cornered her and her shields dropped. He chuckled as she kicked the thing in the face and jumped on its back before pulverising it with her shotgun. She uttered a string of curses that would have made a Krogan proud and Joker laughed. His laughter soon changed to panic as the gunship peppered her with shots that knocked her against the wall.

'Shit, Shepard, stop stuffing around and shoot the fucking thing.' Jack yelled as she fired off a round.

'What am I, your guardian angel? Shoot the damn thing yourself,' she yelled back as she got to her feet and Joker released the breath he'd been holding with a chuckle. 'Guess I have to do everything,' she muttered as she reached for the big guns.

Joker was relieved when they finally took the gunship down and continued through the base, laughing at the Volus Biotic God that Shepard pushed over. She certainly had her own way of doing things. The thought that she was now his gave him butterflies. The thought he might lose her again would give him nightmares. He remembered their conversation over breakfast.

' _Jeff, I need to know this isn't going to change things.' Shepard looked at him over her coffee cup, 'I need to know that if I tell you to leave you'll do it.'_

_He thought long and hard about the answer and she was frowning when he finally spoke. 'Shepard, you are my Commander, I will follow your orders as long as,' she went to interrupt but he stopped her, 'as long as there are no other options.' He took her hand, not meeting her eyes, 'Ari, nothing's changed except us. I know you're a soldier on a mission and I have a responsibility to the crew. It will kill me if I have to leave you, it almost did last time, but I'm not going to risk everyone's lives.' He looked up to see tears in her eyes, 'I can't guarantee anything past that.'_

_He stood up and pulled her towards him, wiping away her tears, 'I'm going to do everything I can to avoid that,' he brushed her hair from her face, 'don't expect anything less. Besides, how many times have I pulled your ass out of volcanoes or bad situations, I'm not going to stop now.'_

' _Thank you,' she said softly, running her fingers along his jawline, 'we need to stay professional, do our job but I want this to work, I want you as more than my pilot.' She pulled him in closer and he felt his body responding, 'I need you to be more than my pilot.' She kissed him lightly but he pulled her in tight and tried to stop his fears from showing as he buried his hand in her hair and crushed his lips against hers._

'Mr Moreau, you seem distracted.'

'I'm fine,' he pulled himself up in his seat. 'What do you want, EDI?'

'I have been monitoring your bio readings and I have noticed a change, I have also noticed the same change in Shepard's readings. My readings indicate that you have been physically intimate.'

Joker gaped at the blue orb, 'EDI, that's none of your business. We humans take it very personally when our privacy is breached.' _Hurry up Mordin and do whatever it is you're doing._

'It is part of my job to monitor the health readings of Commander Shepard and yourself.'

'Do you monitor the whole crew?'

'No, just the Commander, yourself and Dr Chakwas. This mission cannot be completed without Commander Shepard and she will fail without people she trusts at her side.'

'So how come you don't monitor Garrus, he's been at her side as long as we have?

'Garrus was not involved with Project Lazarus and Commander Shepard does not have the same emotional attachment, she respects him, likes him but she considers you and Dr Chakwas family, she does not love him.'

'How do you know?' Joker fought the racing of his heart at the thought that Shepard loved him.

'Her behavioural patterns indicate a deep affection for you, this would indicate love.' She paused as if in thought. 'I do not believe it is a wise idea to form an emotional attachment to Commander Shepard. There is a high possibility she will not survive this mission.'

'Thing about us humans is that we always do better when the odds are against us,' Joker had felt a cold shiver down his spine at EDI's words but pushed it aside.

'It is also not advisable to enter into a relationship with your commanding officer, this can jeopardise the mission.'

Joker's reply was halted by the sound of the airlock opening and he spun to see Jack, Kasumi and an Asari in what had to be the sexiest armour he'd ever seen, after Miranda's catsuit, in fact it probably beat Miranda's outfit for eye catching. He watched her walk towards the CIC and wondered how every other male on the ship was going to react. He pulled his eyes back to find Shepard staring at him with raised eyebrows.

'Commander,' he grinned and she shook her head. 'Found another odd character for your collection, are you buying them all at the same store or something?'

'Yeah, they're having a sale and they take trades,' she matched his grin.

'Wouldn't get much for me as a trade, break too easily.'

'Oh, I don't know about that,' she looked him up and down hungrily and his body responded the only way it knew how. 'Tell the crew to be back on board within the hour or get left behind.'

'Hey Commander, I need to talk to you about something,' Joker sent out the crew recall and moved to walk Shepard to the elevator.

'What is it Joker?'

'There is something I need to show you,' he followed her into the elevator and pushed level one.

'Maybe we should go to the mess,' she tried to reach around him but he stopped her.

'Ari, do you trust me?' He cupped her face and his green eyes met hers under the brim of his cap.

'With my life,' she replied without hesitation.

'Then trust me now,' he took her hand and led her into the hall outside her quarters.

He felt her tense, her fingers gripping his, almost cutting off his circulation. He could see the fear in her eyes and he hated putting her through that but he knew the results would be worth it.

'Relax, Ari,' he opened the door and led her slowly inside.

* * *

Shepard balked inside the door to her quarters. This was one place on the ship she avoided and even though they were docked it was getting dark outside and the thought of having open space above her sent her into a panic. She wanted to turn and run, knowing what she would see when she looked up and she was disgusted with herself. Never in her life had anything made her feel so out of control. She tried to pull her fingers from Joker's hand but he held tight and she didn't want to hurt him.

The minute she'd walked back on to the Normandy and seen him she had felt happy, relieved and relaxed. She'd always felt like she was coming home on the SR-1 and she realised now that a big part of that had been because of Joker. The doubt that things would change now that they had ventured into a relationship quickly vanished as they fell back into their roles as Pilot and Commander. Right now though she could kill him.

He turned to face her, a smile on his face and tenderness in his eyes. She loved those eyes and she focused on them so she didn't have to look anywhere else. He knew she was afraid, she could tell from the way he gently brushed her face, and kissed her lightly. His arm wrapped around her waist, he held her tight, grounding her against him, and she wanted to tell him how much that meant to her but her throat had gone dry and her voice wouldn't work.

'Look, Ari,' he motioned up and she swallowed hard.

Taking a deep breath she raised her eyes and her mouth opened in surprise. The skylight was covered. She looked from Joker to the ceiling, slowly walking forward. The relief on her face must have been obvious because he chuckled as he released her fingers. That's when it hit her. He had done this for her, he had realised her fear. She knew she loved him before but her heart almost burst at the thought of how much he must care for her to have fixed this. He had recognised what she needed and solved the problem, more than once. He had organised for her to have time alone, to have some space from everything that had been forced on her, to have a small piece of normal to come to terms with everything. He had held her through her fears, allowed her to cry, to adjust, to be human, a woman and not just Commander Shepard.

The thought overwhelmed her and she dropped to her knees by the bed. Tears rolled down her cheeks. No-one had ever cared enough to worry about her needs and it shocked her. She'd always been the strong one, been there for others, made sure everyone was safe. How did you thank someone for caring? Before she could say anything Joker was beside her, his arms around her and she wished she had taken off her armour. He was holding her, wiping away her tears, kissing her lightly. She met his eyes and the love she saw took her breath away.

'Thank you,' she whispered through her tears.

'Anything for you,' he removed his cap and rested his forehead against hers.

'Why? How did you know?'

'Well, sleeping in the Starboard lounge was a good clue, sleeping on the bridge was another.' He grinned as she smirked at him. 'You looked like a zombie for a while there, black eyes, pale skin, thought I might have to shoot you. You have perfectly good quarters and I wanted to know why you weren't using them.' She sighed as he brushed the hair from her face. 'I have to thank you though,' he laughed at her raised eyebrows, 'I got to yell at Miranda.'

'Really,' she laughed. 'I'm sure she loved that.'

'I did,' he grinned and kissed her forehead before putting his cap back on. 'You should take a shower and tell me where to go.'

'I don't want you to go anywhere,' she moaned as he helped her to get up, trying to ignore the roll of his eyes and the grin on his face. It was then she noticed the fish. 'I have fish? You know I'll probably kill them.'

'Probably, but there's a VI to look after them just in case.' She slapped him playfully, 'hey, fragile remember.'

'I don't remember you being so fragile last night,' her voice was soft and husky as she whispered against his neck and he shivered.

'I need to get back to the bridge, ship to fly and stuff,' he sighed, reluctant to let her go.

'I know,' she dropped her head to his chest, 'I need to see Liara first but I need the ship and crew ready to leave.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he gave her flick of a salute before leaning in and kissing her tenderly. With a smile he was gone and she missed him.

Shepard stood and watched the fish swim around her aquarium. They were beautifully coloured and she found herself relaxing as they moved gracefully through the water. She glanced up at the newly covered skylight and wondered what she'd done to deserve someone like Joker. Her room was usable, she would have her privacy to a point and she made a mental note to get Mordin to scan for bugs. As she turned to leave, she noticed a photo frame on her desk and she smiled at the picture of the SR-1 crew crowding together for a photo after Sovereign had been defeated. They had been her family and although many of them were no longer alive, she still felt their presence and she promised them all that their deaths would not be in vain. She took a closer look at the picture, picking out faces and she noticed that Joker wasn't looking at the camera he was looking at her. It wasn't a look of awe or admiration, it was love pure and simple.

The breath stopped in her throat as she realised how long he'd had feelings for her, knowing how long she had felt same. They had wasted so much time. No more. Time was something they couldn't spare, something she didn't want to waste any longer. If she was going to die, again, she would die knowing she'd made the most of every moment, sharing precious time with the man she loved. She smiled at how easily she'd accepted that, it felt right and now that she had it she had no intention of letting it go. With a last glance at the photo she headed for the elevator.

* * *

Joker settled himself in his seat, rather pleased with himself that he had been able to do something for Shepard. From her reaction he guessed that she didn't have people who cared about her enough to help her without something in return. He could do that. The only thing he wanted in return was her, to be with her, to be able to care for her, be there when she needed a shoulder.

'You know, for someone who likes to make people think you don't care you certainly do a good job of caring,' Garrus came to stand behind him, armoured and ready to go.

'Don't know what you mean,' Joker smirked as he carried out pre-flight checks.

'Of course you don't,' Garrus chuckled. 'Well done anyway.'

'You heading out?' Joker spun to face him.

'Yeah, apparently Shepard has some intel for Liara.' Garrus gave the equivalent of a smile, 'It's good to see Shepard a little more relaxed, but I'm sure you had nothing to do with that.'

'Helping out where I can,' Joker tried to be serious but failed and his grin was back. 'It's a tough job, but someone's has to do it.'

'Right, I'm sure you hate every moment.' Garrus laughed. 'I'm happy for both of you, but remember what I said.'

'Yeah, yeah,' Joker chuckled, 'don't worry, Garrus, I have no intention of breaking her heart. I only want to see her happy, alive too, naked is good…'

'Alright, enough, I don't need to have that image in my head.'

'What image would that be?' Shepard walked up behind him.

'I'm talking to Joker, that should give you some idea,' Garrus shook his head.

'I can guess,' she smirked and met Joker's eyes. 'Let's go and get this over with.' With a smile aimed at him she turned and left.

Joker grinned and turned back to watch the feed from her suit. _Oh yeah, naked is very good, or a bikini, or sexy lingerie, or…._.


	16. Chapter 16

  
**** 16 **** _  
_   


_Shit! Shit! Shit!_ Joker jumped as the building exploded. He saw debris flying, people screaming and flames.

' _They're coming around for another attack!'_

' _Joker, we have to go, now!'_

_He felt Shepard grab his arm but he ignored the pain. The Normandy was dying around them. Another explosion rocked the ship and they stumbled. Shepard quickly regained her feet and pushed him into the escape pod. The ship rocked again and Shepard was thrown backwards, away from him. He watched, terrified as she bounced against the bulkhead, grabbing for a last handhold before flying out into the void._

_Joker realised what she was about to do and he screamed but she did it anyway. Her gaze never left him as the door between them closed and sealed. Then she was gone._

'Joker?' A voiced called to him but he was lost in grief and memory. 'Joker!'

Kasumi spun his seat, crouched and gripped his hands. She glanced up at the destruction on the screen and her heart went out to this man who had become her friend. Memories could be a curse, she knew that, painful and unforgiving.

'Joker,' she brushed the side of his face and he sucked in a breath, becoming aware of his surroundings. She reached around him and muted the sound from the feed as his eyes cleared and he glanced around.

'Fuck,' he whispered and wiped his face, his hands obviously shaking and his breath ragged.

'It's okay,' Kasumi looked up under the brim of his cap. 'She's alive.'

'I thought I was over it,' he sighed and dropped his head against the headrest, his eyes moist, his skin pallid and sweaty.

'It's funny how the mind works,' she dropped to her knees and took his hand, 'believe me, I know. It hits you when you least expect it.'

'I just thought that now she's here and we're, well you know…' he closed his eyes and thought about holding Shepard, kissing her, loving her and he slowly recovered some sense of normality.

'Why don't you go get some coffee or something, go for a walk,' Kasumi urged him out of his chair.

'I should stay here, in case ….'

'Joker, we're not going anywhere just yet.' She glanced up at the screen to see Shepard under fire. 'I think Shepard's going to be a while, besides, EDI can monitor and let you know if there's anything you can do.'

'Miss Goto is correct, Mr Moreau,' EDI's blue orb popped up alongside them. 'Perhaps you should go and see Dr Chakwas.'

'Okay,' Joker hated leaving while Shepard was groundside but he realised Kasumi was right, he needed to move, to clear his head. 'EDI, you let me know if anything happens.'

'Of course,' the blue orb replied but the tone sounded odd.

'Let's go,' Kasumi slipped her hand into the crook of his arm and they slowly made their way to the elevator.

Joker still felt lost, as if he was trapped between worlds. He couldn't understand why he was in this predicament. He thought he'd got past the grief and terror of the Normandy going down. Why now? Everything was going so well, he'd got the girl, he'd been given a second chance. _Why now?_ He went to see the one person he knew he could talk to and trust.

'Hey Doc.'

'Jeff,' Dr Chakwas looked up from the datapad she was reading and was instantly by his side. 'What's wrong?' She ushered him to a bed and he willingly sat while she ran her omnitool over him.

'I was kinda hoping you could tell me,' he grimaced and she looked up from her readings.

'Higher than normal adrenaline levels, blood pressure's up,' she frowned as she met his eyes. 'What happened?'

'I was watching Shepard's feed, there an explosion and stuff and I lost it,' he squeezed his eyes closed to try and stop the tears that formed. 'I thought I was over all this,' he scrubbed his face with his hands as if he could wipe away what he was feeling.

'Jeff, we've talked about this before,' she took his hand, 'you will never completely be over it. You went through a traumatic experience and it will haunt you for a long time. Certain things will trigger a memory, in this case the explosion and the related destruction. It's perfectly normal.'

'But what happens if I'm flying, if I lose it at a critical moment?' He slid off the bed and paced angrily. 'I can't take that chance.'

'What were you doing at the time?' Chakwas watched him pace and as much as she wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be all right, she knew that wasn't what he needed.

'I was watching the feed from Shepard's suit, as I always do.' He gave her a puzzled frown.

'And where is the ship currently?'

'We're docked, you know that Doc, what are you getting at?'

'You had nothing to keep your mind occupied, you weren't flying or managing messages or any of the other numerous things you do while in flight. You were in a semi relaxed state, completely focused on the feed.'

'Yeah,' he snorted, 'as relaxed as I can be while Shepard's ground-side.'

'My point is, usually you're doing something while Shepard is ground-side because normally we're not docked for several days, you haven't had time off and there is usually very little time for your mind to relax.' She watched as he thought about it. 'Jeff, trust me, normally you wouldn't have time for this to happen.'

'Shit, I hope you're right,' he sighed and leant on the bed. 'Just when I thought everything was great.'

'Is it great?' Chakwas smiled and nudged his shoulder.

'Yeah,' his grin was back and she chuckled.

'I'm happy for you Jeff, for both of you. It's about time you both had some happiness.'

'Thanks, doc,' he stood up to leave but she grabbed his hand.

'While you're here we may as well do a check-up, see how your treatments are working.' She activated privacy mode and indicated the bed.

'You're an evil woman, doc,' he groaned, slipped off his boots, shirt and trousers and pulled himself up onto the bed.

'I keep my horns well hidden,' she chuckled and pulled the overhead scanner into place.

Joker lay still while the scanner did its thing, his mind still in turmoil. While he knew the doc was probably right doubt still churned his guts and he hoped he never had to find out if she was wrong. The gentle hum of the scanner droned above him and he closed his eyes while it slowly worked its way along his body, gradually relaxing and thinking of more pleasant things.

It was sometime later when he opened his eyes to find Shepard looking down at him. There was concern in her eyes and he felt her fingers holding his tight. He sat up and realised he was only wearing his boxers and his face coloured, a quick glance assured him that privacy mode was still active and he moved so she was between his thighs.

'Hey you,' Shepard smiled and stroked the side of his face.

'Hey yourself,' he grinned and pulled her in close. 'Glad you made it back in one piece.' He pushed away thoughts of destruction and fear.

'Are you okay, Doc told me what happened?' She searched his face before meeting his eyes.

'So much for patient confidentially,' he shook his head. 'Yeah, I'm okay, especially now you're here.'

'She was only doing her job,' Shepard ran her hand down his chest and he couldn't stop his body from reacting in a way it probably shouldn't. 'Are we doing the right thing, Jeff? Can you watch me go into battle and still be able to cope?'

'Ari, it doesn't matter if we're together or not, I'm still going to worry about you going into battle, I always have. That's not going to change.' He sighed and pulled her against him. 'Doc says it only happened because I was relaxed, well sort of. We're docked and because I've already done all my pre-flight checks, there was really nothing for me to do. Normally I have things to keep me busy.' He lifted her face so he could meet her eyes. 'Besides, if you think I'm going to give you up you'd better tie me to the bed to keep me away, or you could tie me to the bed for other reasons.' He grinned as she laughed and shook her head before kissing him softly.

'All right, flyboy. You'd better get dressed and get back to work.' She pulled back reluctantly, 'We're going after the Shadow Broker.'

'Really?' Joker reached for his clothes, 'do we even know where he is?'

'Yep, apparently Cerberus knows and Liara has a friend that the Broker has prisoner. So we're going to rescue him.' She eyed him up and down as he slipped his pants back on and he chuckled.

'Like what you see?' He raised his eyebrows and she laughed.

'Most definitely,' she nodded and licked her lips and his pulse rate quickened. 'Maybe later I can see more,' she looked up at him through her thick eyelashes and his heart skipped a beat.

'I guess you'd better be good to me then,' he smirked and dragged her into his chest, capturing her lips with his.

'So you're awake,' Dr Chakwas smiled as she entered and witnessed their embrace.

'Yeah,' Joker smiled but his eyes never left Shepards. 'How am I Doc?'

'Actually doing very well.' Chakwas brought up the scans she'd taken. 'The bone weave has knitted nicely and is expanding, there is very little residual scarring on the rod implants. You've been keeping up your physio, for a change,' she smirked at him and he laughed. 'Things are better than expected, even Miranda is surprised at the results.'

'You showed Miranda my scans,' he looked at her in surprise.

'She has access to them, she was the supervising officer for the procedure.'

'So soon you'll be able to take me dancing,' Shepard grinned at him.

'I thought I already did that,' he chuckled and slipped his shirt over his head. 'I'd better get back to work before my Commander gives me latrine duty or something.'

'She must be a hard taskmaster,' Shepard rolled her eyes.

'A real fiend,' Joker frowned playfully. 'I can't wait to see what torture she comes up with next.' With a chuckle he kissed her lightly and left.

'How is he really, Doc,' Shepard watched the door close and turned to Chakwas.

'He's fine, the episode today was out of the ordinary. He used to have a lot more and a lot worse.' She glanced at the closed door before looking at Shepard. 'It was so hard for him when you died, especially after….' She stopped as if realising she'd said too much.

'What?' Shepard frowned, she knew Joker had blamed himself but she always felt there was more he hadn't told her. 'Doc, you know what's said in here stays in here. I'm his Commander so I need to know if something is going to affect the mission, or his ability to do his duty.' She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, 'I'm also his friend and now his lover, I care about him so much. I only want to help him.'

'You know he's loved you for such a long time and it nearly killed him when you died.' Chakwas sighed and sat down. 'He'll hate me for telling you this. He drunk himself into a stupor so often I was afraid he was going to kill himself from alcohol poisoning. He was a mess and he didn't want to help himself, he didn't want to live. He physically took on anyone who badmouthed you, berated you or simply misused your name so you can imagine how that turned out.'

'I didn't realise it was so bad,' Shepard's heart was aching at the thought of him being in so much pain.

'It didn't help when he had to spend the first two months in hospital because he had so many broken bones.'

'I didn't hurt him by forcing him into the pod?' She was mortified to think she was responsible for that as well.

'No,' Chakwas looked at her strangely for a moment. 'The landing was rough, multiple fractures, broke his arm and a couple of ribs before we got him out of the pod but…'

'What is it doc, what aren't you telling me?'

'It's not my place,' she gazed across the room as if debating with herself whether to continue. 'When the pod landed and you weren't in it Kaidan fell apart. Jeff was in enough of a state but Kaidan dragged him out and took to him with his fists, there was some biotics as well. Garrus and Adams had to pull him off Jeff, but the damage was done. Broke numerous bones, the worst being ribs that punctured his lung and in the situation we were in that was almost fatal. I was afraid we were going to lose him for a while.'

'Shit,' Shepard whispered, dropping against the bed as the thought of Joker almost dying churned her guts. 'I didn't realise Kaidan….' That put a completely different twist on the events on Horizon.

'He loved you Shepard, probably as much as Jeff. Grief can make a person do things they normally wouldn't. He took his out on Jeff unfortunately. Neither of them dealt with your death very well. It's a shame really because they were friends before, they should have been there to support each other.'

Shepard buried her face in her hands and realised that as much as she had to deal with dying and coming back everyone else had been in pain as well. Her death had affected so many people in different ways, the only difference was that they had longer to come to terms with it. Now they had to come to terms with her being alive again. How did the human mind deal with that? Death was supposed to be final.

'Shepard,' Chakwas had moved to stand before her and she gently pulled her hands away from her face. 'It wasn't your fault. You died, we all had to deal with that and we did in whatever way we could. Jeff and I were lucky, we knew they were trying to bring you back so we had time to adjust to that. For others it was more of a shock and it raised questions they didn't have answers for.' She pulled Shepard into a hug and felt her shaking. 'In time things will settle down and those who truly know you will be there for you. Some of us already are.'

'Thanks, doc,' Shepard pulled back, her eyes moist. 'If it wasn't for you, Jeff and Garrus I don't think I could get through this. I hate the position I'm in, I've never felt doubt and mistrust from people I care about and it hurts. I don't know how to deal with that.'

'Just remember you still have people who care about you and we're standing right beside you. Let us be there for you when you need someone, especially Jeff. He loves you, Shepard and I'm pretty sure you love him, don't waste that.'

'I guess I do,' she grinned and met the doctor's eyes. 'Don't worry, doc, I have no intention of wasting it.'

'Just don't break his heart.'

'To do that I'd have to break my own.' Shepard gave the doctor a brief hug, 'thank you for being here.'

'Anywhere else would be boring,' Chakwas chuckled as she playfully shooed Shepard out the door. 'Now get out of my medbay, someone could be genuinely ill.'


	17. Chapter 17

**** 17 ****

Joker set course for Hagalaz and they had a few hours before they hit the relay so, leaving EDI in control, he headed for the mess. He knew Shepard hadn't eaten, she'd been tucked away with Liara since leaving Illium, so he picked up two dinners, placed them on a tray and headed for the loft. It surprised him when her door didn't open and he almost stumbled.

'EDI, can you open the door please,' he eyed the ceiling.

'The Commander has asked that she not be disturbed. She and Dr T'soni are sharing a private moment.'

'Private moment?' Joker frowned. _What the hell does that mean?_ 'I'm sure if you tell her it's me she'll want you to open it.'

'I can't do that, she has asked not to be disturbed for any reason other than an emergency.'

Joker was a little confused. He knew there was nothing going on between Shepard and Liara, in fact Shepard had made it absolutely clear she wasn't that way inclined, either female or alien. She had also made sure he knew he was welcome in her quarters, that he didn't need an invitation or permission to enter. But the door was locked. He gently placed the tray on the floor and pinged Shepard's omnitool. She was definitely in her quarters. He knocked on the door and didn't have to wait long before it opened and Shepard stood before him.

'What's wrong?' She gave him a puzzled stare. 'You could have come in.'

'It was locked,' he picked up the tray and followed her back inside. 'EDI said you didn't want to be disturbed, even by me.'

'What?' Shepard glared at the spot where EDI usually appeared. 'EDI, why didn't you let Joker in?'

'You instructed that you did not want to be disturbed, that you were having a private moment with Dr T'soni. I was only following your instructions.

'That was an hour ago, Liara is gone.' She looked at Joker who shook his head and shrugged. 'EDI, Joker has unlimited access to my quarters, at any time. Is that understood?'

'Yes, Commander.'

Joker made his way down to the table and placed the tray down before turning to greet Shepard. She slid her arm around him and raised her face for a kiss which he was more than happy to give. Their embrace tightened and their kiss became more than just a light peck as they gave in to their passion.

'As much as I would like to continue this I think we should eat first,' Joker sighed as they parted and he dragged her to the sofa. 'I bet you haven't eaten.'

'No, I forgot,' she admitted softly.

'Good job you have this handsome, lovable pilot to take care of you then.'

'What would I do without him?' She chuckled as he grinned at her and pushed a meal towards her.

'Probably starve,' he laughed and was glad to see her dig in with gusto. He made the most of his own meal, thinking to himself that he was the luckiest man alive right now and hopefully going to get luckier.

'Commander, Dr Solus is requesting entry.' EDI spoiled the mood.

'Let him in,' Shepard pushed away her empty plate and watched as Mordin hurriedly entered and glanced around.

'Fish tank, waste of space, unnecessary expense, although conducive to relaxation,' he turned to Shepard. 'Need to talk, Shepard,' he activated his omnitool and scanned the room carefully. 'No vermin present, surprised.'

'Privacy mode, please, EDI,' Shepard spoke to the ceiling.

'Logging you out, Commander.'

'I'll go,' Joker made to get up but Mordin stopped him.

'No need, concerns you, asked Dr Chakwas to come as well.' The door opened as he spoke and Chakwas entered, a bottle of brandy in hand.

'Shepard, Mordin tells me we're celebrating so I brought supplies.' She held up the bottle and grinned.

'Not actually celebrating,' Mordin looked confused, 'just using excuse to cover gathering.'

'It's all right, Mordin,' Shepard laughed. 'We get it, doesn't mean we can't though.'

Mordin shook his head, humans were so difficult comprehend. 'Have solved problem with bio tracking, need to adjust omnitools.' He accepted their devices, settled himself on the sofa and proceeded to work on them.

Shepard grabbed glasses and Chakwas poured drinks as Mordin mumbled to himself. 'Let's hope this works,' she lifted her glass in a toast.

'Hey, what's this? Having a party and we didn't get invited,' Kasumi stood in the doorway with Garrus.

'Really, Shepard,' Garrus shook his head, 'I thought we were friends.' He moved to the fish tank and stared in amazement. 'Only Cerberus,' he shook his head before glancing up at the covered skylight. He caught Joker's eyes and nodded slightly.

'Glad you're here,' Mordin glanced up at Kasumi, 'you can help with coding.'

'Nice to know I'm useful,' Kasumi chuckled as she sat beside him and brought up her omnitool.

'What exactly are you doing?' Shepard watched them work, their heads almost touching as fingers worked absently on the holographic interfaces.

'Misdirection and misinformation,' Kasumi grinned, 'Mordin here would make a great thief.' Mordin looked mortified at the thought and she laughed. 'We've tapped into the ship's systems and linked your tools so that at any time we can make it appear that you are in one place when you're actually in another. It's a simple plan but effective.'

'Ship monitors created problems but some areas of the ship are clean.' Mordin indicated something to Kasumi who nodded. 'Others may malfunction.'

'So no-one will be monitoring the Commander's bio signs when she's not wearing armour?' Joker frowned. 'What happens if she gets into trouble? How will we know she needs help?'

Shepard glanced at him but he took her hand to reassure her that his concerns were only for her. He knew she didn't want to admit to a weakness but he had to be sure she would get help when or if she needed it.

'Readings still active, only turned off when necessary.' Mordin blinked at Joker as if he was stating something obvious.

'So if I'm doing something I don't want Cerberus to know about I can just switch off the readings, won't that alert them?' Shepard was puzzled.

'No, readings remain active from last known position and will use alternate nearby tool to appear to be moving.'

'That's great in theory but what if the nearest tool is male and he ends up in the men's restroom somewhere.'

'You could just be desperate,' Joker laughed and she scowled at him.

'Incorrect assumption,' Mordin shook his head. 'Block will continuously seek out nearest omnitool, will jump to tool to continue with movement.'

'So, you'll not only be entering men's restrooms but you'll be walking backwards and forwards like an idiot or going up and down in the same elevator for hours.' Joker broke out into uncontrolled laughter and Shepard whacked him playfully on the arm, not managing to hide her grin.

'We could say the Commander's finally lost her mind, just remember to drool and babble while you're at it.' Garrus joined in Joker's laughter.

'Or maybe you'll be falling down drunk somewhere, this is going to send EDI insane,' Joker was almost rolling on the sofa and his laughter was contagious. 'Hello HAL.'

'Who is HAL?' Mordin was totally baffled.

'A homicidal, insane AI from an old human movie,' Shepard informed him between chuckles, 'killed the crew on its spaceship.'

'Not intention to affect AI,' Mordin shook his head, 'would not be beneficial to the mission.'

'Seriously though,' Kasumi was trying to hide her own mirth. 'What we've done is create an unobtrusive, self-deleting virus that carries your bio readings at the time of activation and uses the location tracker to move from one tool to another, in the same direction or whatever direction is necessary to make it look authentic. It won't stay in any particular tool long enough to be detected. There's also a limit to the distance it will travel in relation to your actual position so you don't end up at opposite ends of somewhere. It's a very clever idea really.'

'What about everything else on my omnitool, can I block tracking on messages?' Shepard was serious now and Joker managed to pull himself under control.

'Yes, the way the code is written it completely blocks all Cerberus tracking, I would suggest you keep the periods of inactivity relatively short. You have to set passwords to indicate which part of the block you want to activate, location, messages or both.' Kasumi made a final adjustment and shut down her omnitool. 'We've used the same block on Jokers and Dr Chakwas's tools so their movements or activities can't be monitored either. Might be useful if you need them to do something for you or in the event you need to mask their biosigns.' She grinned at Joker who smirked.

'What happens when I turn it back on, won't it seem strange that I'm suddenly in a different place?'

'No, it's set to track back to your current position so there will be a delay between reactivation and true readings. You can see how close the signal is on your tool so you can control the speed of reactivation. Just don't walk in front of any monitors if you're on the ship.'

'I'm not worried about bio readings while on the ship, although…' she threw a quick glance at Joker who grinned, 'but having freedom of movement on say the Citadel will be very useful.' Shepard's mind was already at work on ideas.

'No evident monitors in your quarters, Shepard,' Mordin pointed out, 'assume personal terminal monitored, can provide block for that if required.'

'Thanks, Mordin, that would be useful and I'd appreciate it if you or Kasumi checked my quarters regularly for bugs.' Shepard sighed and visibly relaxed. 'Thank you both for doing this, it feels good to get one up on Cerberus. I'd like to just take the damn thing off and get a new tool but I'm sure they'd find some other way of tracking me, it's what they do and I'm not sure I'd like how they do it.'

'At least this way you have some control over what they know,' Garrus knew how frustrated Shepard was, being controlled in any way was not something she liked. 'Mordin, is there a way to send a notice to our tools so we know Shepard is off the grid, just in case.' He saw Joker's relieved nod.

'Sensible idea,' he nodded and went to work on his tool. 'Should receive ping pattern with actual location of Shepard when block is activated. Need to test but should work.'

Conversation wandered onto more pleasant things as Kasumi asked about their missions on the SR-1. Joker was surprised when Shepard leaned back against him and rested her hand on the inside of his thigh, not that he didn't like it but it made his mind think of other things and they weren't alone. He slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in closer.

Garrus ribbed Shepard about the way she drove the Mako, how many times he'd had to fix it and how she'd driven it through a mass relay. Chakwas pointed out how Shepard almost fractured her skull head butting a Krogan, how stubborn she was when it came to injuries and how much she cared about her crew. Shepard brushed away their complaints with a laugh and Joker realised that they knew her as a soldier, a hero. He was lucky enough to know the woman underneath, he seen her at her weakest and he loved her all the more for it.

'You forgot the volcano,' Shepard pointed out, 'that was scary.'

'That was a damn close call,' Garrus nodded. 'If it hadn't been for Joker bringing the Normandy in we'd have been swimming in molten lava.'

'Best pilot in the galaxy,' she grinned and squeezed his leg making him wish everyone would leave.

'Hey, don't forget the drop onto Ilos. Twenty metre hole and it was perfect.' Joker reminded her.

'Very impressive,' Mordin commented, 'multiple calculations, steep entry vector, above average stresses on engine and hull. Not many with skills to accomplish successfully.'

'Thank you, Mordin,' Joker laughed, 'he knows how good I am.'

'As if his head wasn't big enough already,' Garrus groaned.

'Damn, Shepard, sounds like we missed some fun times.' Kasumi chuckled, 'How did you survive all that?'

'I had a good crew who were very good at what they did. But I didn't survive, or we wouldn't be here now.' Her shoulders tensed and Joker gave her a gentle squeeze. 'Now, here we are again, on another save the galaxy mission with no help and just my little band of friends. Hopefully this one will turn out better.' Joker's guts churned at the thought of losing her again but he had little time to think about it.

'Mr Moreau, we will reach the relay in fifteen minutes.' EDI once again broke the mood.

'On my way,' Joker reluctantly pulled himself away from Shepard who stood up and walked him to the elevator.

'Come back when you're finished,' she placed her hands on his chest and leaned up to kiss him.

'Are you sure, do you want the crew to know about us?' Joker wrapped her in his arms and rested his forehead on hers.

'You spend most of your sleep periods in your chair anyway, but I don't think it matters. Besides, this is not an Alliance ship, there are no fraternisation rules on a Cerberus ship, I checked. As long as the job gets done who sleeps with who is irrelevant.' She rested her palm on his cheek, 'I don't want to be away from you if I don't have to be.'

Joker pulled her in tighter and kissed her passionately, wanting so much more. 'I'll see you in a couple of hours,' he sighed as he pulled back and stepped away from her. Never in his life had he felt so complete, so happy. He was grinning openly as he stepped from the elevator and headed for the bridge. He completely missed the dark stare and frown from Chambers and the hurried way she activated her coms.


	18. Chapter 18

 

**** 18 ****

Joker finished his post relay checks and was satisfied that everything was in order. All diagnostics had been done including some that didn't need doing immediately. They were on course for Hagalaz and would be there in about seven hours. Normally he would settle into his chair and search the extranet or play a game or simply doze. But not tonight.

'EDI, I'm going off duty. The ship is yours for the next six hours.' He stood and stretched and actually felt good about leaving his post.

'Of course, Mr Moreau, although it is unusual for you to leave your post.'

'Yeah, well, sometimes I need too.'

'Very well, I will alert you in six hours.'

He made his way to the elevator and he was almost there when Chambers stopped him.

'Going off duty?' She smiled but it felt false to Joker.

'Yep,' he kept walking and pushed the button for the elevator.

'Want to get coffee or a drink?' The perkiness in her voice and attitude annoyed him but he couldn't explain why.

'No thanks, getting some shut eye.'

He almost sighed aloud when the elevator doors opened and he stepped in. As he glanced back he was glad to see that Chambers had gone back to her terminal and was talking to someone on the com. Something about that woman rubbed him the wrong way, he got a feeling of falseness and he just couldn't shake it. She was another Cerberus lackey and supposedly here to look after the crew's mental well-being. He'd stick with Dr Chakwas, thank you very much.

He hesitated as he stepped up to Shepard's door. Would she still want him to come up or was she already asleep. He took a deep breath and opened the door. The first thing he saw was her feet. He couldn't help thinking how petite they looked, when they weren't in combat boots, she even painted her toenails. His eyes automatically followed her legs that were stretched out before him and he swallowed hard as the smooth, muscular lines led his eyes upwards. He knew there was strength in those beautiful long legs, he'd felt it when they'd been wrapped around him. His mouth was dry and his heart was racing as his eyes continued taking in the most stunning view he ever hoped to see.

Shepard had showered and was wearing her shorts and singlet for bed, and they didn't hide much. His view hovered at her thighs, knowing what lay between and how sweet it was, before continuing up to the curve of her breasts. He loved the softness of her skin, the way she fit perfectly into his hands and the feel of her nipples as they pebbled under his fingers or tongue. His trousers were getting uncomfortably tight as his view lingered on her neck, knowing the exact spot to elicit a moan of pleasure and those powerful yet gentle arms that held him tenderly, the hands that caressed him and knew just where to touch him.

Those luscious, soft, warm lips that tasted perfect. Lips that he had never expected to kiss and when he did it was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He loved her pert nose with its sprinkling of freckles and the face that surrounded it, beautifully perfect. Finally he met her eyes, shining with amusement and drawing him in. Every time he met those eyes he wanted to drown in them, lose himself and never be found. He loved her so intensely and it still amazed him that she wanted to be with him.

'Hey you,' she smiled and he gasped at the beauty of it. She slowly rolled up out of the laid back position in her chair and placed the data pad she'd been reading on her desk.

'Hey yourself,' his voice was husky and she visibly shivered with delight as she slid her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. 'I thought you might be asleep,' he said softly when they finally parted.

'Not when I knew you were coming back,' she removed his cap and tossed it on the desk before running her fingers through his hair.

'Hey, careful with that,' he gave her a mock frown and she laughed. 'Can't have my trademark getting damaged.'

'Don't worry,' she purred, 'I'll take good care of you and your cap.'

'Promise.'

'Definitely,' she grinned and stepped back. 'Do you want to shower?'

'You just want to see me naked, don't you,' he chuckled. 'Didn't bring a change of clothes.'

She pointed to the bed where a pair of sweats and a t-shirt were folded, 'I got them for you, but yes on the naked part.'

'I'll be quick,' he kissed her lightly on the nose and stepped into the bathroom.

He was surprised to see his toiletries waiting for him, on the shelf beside hers. Damn, he was a lucky man. Getting her to join him in the shower crossed his mind but the thought of slippery surfaces and broken bones made him a little more sensible. He washed quickly, eager to spend every moment possible in Shepard's company. A wave of self-consciousness washed over him as he dried himself and wrapped a towel around his hips, they'd been naked in bed but if she really took the time to look at him would she be disappointed. Yeah, he'd kept his body toned but there were still signs of his disease, the way his hips leaned and the scars from multiple surgeries. Only one way to find out. With a deep breath he opened the door.

Shepard was no longer at her desk and he could see her head through the glass of her ship display. He made his way down the steps, not the least bit interested in getting dressed. He watched as she grinned and looked him up and down, her eyes lingering on his chest and slowly dropping to the top of the towel, following the line of hair to his groin. Blood rushed into places that would quickly become obvious so he sat down before it did.

'Not quite naked,' she scooted closer and kissed his shoulder.

'What and have you lose total control and be unable to keep your hands of me.'

'You wish,' she giggled and he laughed.

They sat comfortably on the sofa, shoulders touching, legs brushing against each other. Joker still found it hard to believe that he was here, that he and Shepard were together. He felt her shift and turn towards him, she placed her legs gently over his and cupped his face in her hands. He watched as she carefully looked at his face, following her gaze with her fingers. It was sexy and intimate, it was as if she was committing him to memory. He slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, his free hand brushing her neck, her cheek, her lips. She shivered as his thumb lingered on her bottom lip and her eyes met his.

'I love you.'

Joker's heart stopped. He had waited so long to hear those words, to know that his feelings were returned. He couldn't stop the emotions that washed over him, relief, joy, happiness. Without thought he closed the gap between them.

'I love you,' he whispered when they parted and he saw tears in her eyes, knowing she would see the same in his. 'I have loved you for so long, wanted to tell you for so long.' He met her eyes and lost himself in them as she leaned in and he felt her soft lips on his. He took flight with the euphoria that washed over him and he knew she was there right beside him.

Their kisses became more fervent, their touching more intimate, their need for each other more intense. Eventually they lay sated and naked on the bed, wrapped in each others arms. Neither wanted to move, to leave the warmth of the emotion that surrounded them like a cocoon. It was like their own little piece of heaven, a place where their hearts beat as one, their bodies became one and their love swept away any doubts or fears. It had been a long time coming but finally they could openly admit how they felt.

Joker shifted his head and gently lifted Shepard's chin so he could see her eyes. She was completely relaxed in his arms and her gaze was open, her soul bare. He would not have believed that he could love her any more than he already did but the beauty he saw in her eyes took his breath away.

'You are so beautiful,' he whispered and her smile was the warmest and brightest he had ever seen. 'I love you so much.'

Shepard brushed her fingers down his cheek, loving the softness of his beard and the strength of his jaw beneath. His eyes drew her in, the love she saw in them was enough to make her tremble with joy. There was no more doubt, she knew in her heart that she could never let him go, she'd never felt the need to allow her emotions to take control like she did now. She was floating on an ocean of feelings that washed over her, caressed her and she was happy to let them carry her away.

'I love you too,' she pulled him in for a kiss. 'I have for such a long time, I was too afraid to admit it, afraid I might lose your friendship.'

'I guess that makes two of us then,' he chuckled. 'I think I loved you from the very first day I met you.'

'That long huh?' She laughed and he silenced her with a kiss.

'Yeah, I just wish I'd told you sooner.'

'Me too.'

'What, wish that I'd told you or you'd told me?' Joker raised his eyebrows.

'Both, either,' Shepard groaned and he laughed. 'I just wish we hadn't wasted time.'

'Well, we'll just have to make up for it,' he leaned down and trailed kisses down her neck and she giggled. 'Aha, I've found your weak spot,' he followed the trail with his tongue then blew softly along the same line and she wriggled and squirmed, trying to get out of his hold. 'Ahh!' his yell made her stop instantly.

'Jeff, are you okay,' the concern on her face almost made him feel guilty until she realised he was kidding and she scowled at him. 'You are an unscrupulous man, Jeff Moreau.' She gently pushed him backwards and kissed her way down his neck, across his chest where she bit down on his nipple.

'Ow!' he pulled her head up and saw the mischief in her eyes. 'Really? You want to play?' He gripped her hips and pulled her down before tickling her sides to the point where she was crying from laughter. He was laughing as he dropped onto his back, amazed that even through her half-hearted attempts to get free she had been careful not to hurt him. _God I love her!_

'That was so not fair!' She propped herself up on her elbow and glared at him but her eyes shone with joy.

'Was fun though,' he grabbed her hand as she went to hit him and kissed her palm.

She grinned and kissed him. 'I love you, Jeff Moreau.'

'I love you too, Arelia Shepard,' he cupped her face, suddenly serious. 'I will love you forever.' He pulled her in and kissed her passionately before pulling back. 'I really don't want to leave but I need to get some sleep so I can do my job before my Commander gets on my ass about slacking off.'

'And such a nice ass it is,' she chuckled, 'I think I'll have words with this commander of yours, that ass is all mine.'

'Yes it is,' he grinned, kissed her and sat up but she stopped him from leaving the bed.

'Stay.'

'Are you sure,' he leaned down and met her eyes.

'Yes, I want to wake up in your arms,' she blushed and he loved it.

'I'd like that,' he whispered and closed the distance between them, his lips finding hers.

He settled himself in the bed and she curled up against him, pulling his hand into her chest as her behind rested against his hips. If he hadn't been so tired he would have found it arousing, instead it was comforting and before long they were both asleep.

* * *

A Yahg! The Shadow Broker was a Yahg! Joker watched in amazement and terror as the huge beast of a thing tossed his desk across the room, taking out Garrus on the way. He waited for Garrus to move but he didn't and Joker fought back the fear that he might be seriously hurt. The fight to get into the base had been long and hard and he knew Shepard would be getting tired. They'd not only had to fight the elements but the Shadow Broker's army as well. Joker's chest tightened and he realised he was holding his breath, he exhaled loudly but couldn't help gripping the arms of his chair.

'What the fuck is that?' Jack had come up behind him and he jumped.

'A Yahg, apparently,' Joker was almost glad of the distraction. 'Meet the Shadow Broker.'

'Really,' Kasumi uncloaked beside him and he nearly jumped again, he was definitely off his game today. 'I didn't think the Yahg were intelligent enough.'

'That is incorrect,' EDI's blue orb popped into view. 'They are actually a very intelligent species, on par with Salarians. They are natural predators and hunters, similar to Krogans.'

'Whatever they are, that thing is huge,' Jack grunted.

They watched as Shepard and Liara slowly whittled away the shields of the Shadow Broker. Suddenly he stopped and threw up a barrier which Shepard chose to ignore and charged right through it, taking to the monster with her fists.

'Shit!' Joker couldn't hide his worry but Jack chuckled at his concern.

'She's a crazy bitch,' she laughed and Joker scowled at her. 'Get used to it flyboy.'

'Takes one to know one. Just cause she's good doesn't mean I shouldn't worry,' he growled. 'Only takes one wrong move.'

'Shepard's a freak of nature,' Jack laughed again, 'she's already come back from the dead for fucks sake!'

'Yeah, dead, remember. Can happen.' Joker frowned and tried to ignore the voice in his head that said it was his fault.

'Is it true, is Shepard taking on the Shadow Broker?' Jacob walked up with Zaeed close behind.

'What the fuck is that thing?' Zaeed peered over Joker's shoulder.

'A Yahg,' Joker, Kasumi and Jack spoke as one.

'Never seen one before,' the mercenary snorted. 'Might be a bit of a challenge.'

Joker wondered when the bridge had become a movie theatre. Not that he minded the company right now, kept his mind from worrying too much about Shepard. There was a collective gasp as Shepard was hit and seemed stunned for a moment before diving back into cover and pulling out her shotgun.

'Shit!' Shepard cursed as she stood up, put a round into the beast that was almost on top of her before darting to the next available cover.

'Shoot the thing in the foot, Shepard,' Zaeed yelled at the screen.

'Easy for you to say,' Shepard yelled back, 'you're not here!'

'Not my fault,' the mercenary laughed and shrugged. 'Didn't realise she could hear me.'

Joker thought about shutting down the outgoing sound but a quick glance at Shepard's bio readings made him change his mind. It was as if knowing others were watching made her more comfortable. He realised that he was surrounded by warriors of varying calibres and none of them seemed overly worried about Shepard's ability to take down the enemy. He took comfort in that as once again the beast stopped and Shepard charged in.

'Jesus, Shepard, hit the thing,' Jack grunted. 'Stop being a girl!'

'Wanna….' Grunt, thud, grunt, '….come down…,' thud, grunt, '….and take over.' She jumped away as the broker started moving again.

'Nah, wouldn't want to spoil your fun.'

'Shepard,' Liara dashed to where Shepard was taking cover and there was a hurried conversation before they both darted out of the way of the lumbering beast that was the Shadow Broker.

Run, shoot, run, shoot. It became a familiar pattern as Shepard stayed out of the monster's reach, following the camera feed on Shepard's suit almost made Joker feel sea sick. On the bridge of the Normandy there were laughs, suggestions and more than a few ribald comments as they watched the scene play out. As much as Joker felt the confidence around him he couldn't help the worry that picked at his thoughts. He could see she was tiring, he'd watched her often enough to know when she put a foot wrong, or fumbled a shot.

'Now, Shepard!' Liara yelled as the broker's barrier went up again.

Shepard charged, distracting the beast, pushing him backwards. She jumped clear just as Liara used her biotics to destroy the glass above the broker's head, whatever liquid was behind it drowned the Yahg. And then it was over. Joker allowed himself to relax. He was in love with a warrior, but not just any warrior. He knew that she could be taken from him at any time and that terrified him, but she was here now. She was alive and that was all that mattered. It still didn't stop his stomach from churning and until she was standing before him his heart wouldn't stop racing. _That's what I get for falling in love with Commander Shepard._ But he wouldn't have it any other way.


	19. Chapter 19

**** 19 ****

Joker was still on shift when Shepard finally came back on board. She took the time to shower and grab coffee for two before settling into the co-pilot's seat. Joker could see she was exhausted and he knew she would be hurting, bruised from the fight. As much as he loved having her beside him he knew she needed to rest. They still had a lot of work ahead of them and he wanted her at her best.

'You should get some sleep,' he glanced at her as he sipped his coffee.

'Soon, wanted to see you,' she sighed and leaned back against the chair. 'Don't like the idea of sleeping without you.' She pouted and he laughed.

'So now I'm your security blanket?'

'Yep, you're my cuddly bear,' she looked at him through hooded eyes, 'just have to be careful with your stuffing.'

Joker gaped at her and she laughed, his mouth moved but he couldn't think of a response. Shepard licked her finger and dragged it down through the air. Joker simply laughed and shook his head. These were the moments he'd always cherished, light-hearted fun, trying to outdo each other. He could see she was relaxing and he knew if she didn't move she would fall asleep in the chair. As much as he would like that she needed to go to bed, there was no way he could carry her.

'How's Garrus?' They'd pretty much carried him to medbay and there was no doubt Shepard was worried about him.

'Bruised, battered and a little embarrassed. He'll be okay but doc has put him on sick leave for a few days.' Her gazed dropped to the floor, 'I thought he was dead.'

'He's a tough guy,' Joker glanced at her, worried that she might descend further into depression if anything happened to those she considered family. 'A rocket to the face couldn't keep him down so I doubt a Yahg can.'

'Never fought a Yahg before, wonder if they're all that tough.'

'Do you really want to find out?' He raised his eyebrows at her.

'No, not really,' she chuckled. 'At least if we have to take down the Shadow Broker again we'll only have to fight Liara.'

'What?'

'Liara has become the new Shadow Broker,' she put her finger to her lips and shushed him, 'but don't tell anyone.'

'Really, so we have our own information source with no strings attached. That's awesome!'

'Yeah, just hope it doesn't go to her head.' Shepard yawned and stretched. 'I'm going to bed, you coming up when you finish.'

'If you want me to,' he reached for her hand, wanting so much to take her in his arms, but there were still crew around and they'd agreed to keep their professional faces on while on duty, to a point.

'Of course,' she leaned down and kissed him deeply, pulling away reluctantly. 'Once Liara has given us the all clear we need to head for Tuchanka. I need to find out what's wrong with Grunt and Mordin has someone he needs to find.'

'Aye, aye ma'am,' he pulled her back for another kiss, _so much for professionalism,_ before releasing his hold and watching her walk towards the elevator. He would never, ever tire of that view.

Shepard hadn't been gone long before Chambers sauntered onto the bridge and stood behind him. He felt her hand on the back of his chair and he resisted the urge to spin around and pull her off her feet.

'Do you want something?' He tried to keep the distaste out of his voice, but not too hard.

'Just thought you might like some company,' she moved to rest on the rail in front of EDI's emitter. 'I thought you might get a bit lonely spending so much time alone up here.'

'I'm fine, I like my own company,' Joker just wanted her to go away.

'Really, I notice you've been spending a lot of time with the Commander.' She leaned forward and rested her hand on his arm. 'I would have thought she wasn't your type.'

'What do you want, Chambers?' Now he did spin his chair and she had to jump back to avoid him catching her legs.

'I just think you'd be better off with someone a little less forceful,' she looked him up and down and he felt like he'd been violated.

'It's none of your business who I'm with. Just leave me alone.' He spun his chair back and she jumped again.

'Okay, but if you want to have some fun or need to talk, come find me.' She ran her hand up his arm and her hand lingered on his shoulder before she finally moved away.

_I need a shower!_ Joker felt dirty, he really didn't like that woman. He had a funny feeling that there was more to her visit than just trying to flirt with him. Something wasn't right and he was afraid that it involved him and Shepard, he just hoped they could work through whatever it was together. He went back to concentrating on flying, not that they were, orbiting a planet didn't really count as flying, but there were still things to be done.

'Joker,' Liara spoke softly into his ear. 'I have some new star maps for you, I thought you might find them interesting.'

'Thanks Liara, I'll have a good look at them, might find something useful.' Joker watched as the information was transferred. He loved studying the stars, and not just from the bridge of his ship. The thought of travelling to the distant stars he could see through his telescope had always been his dream, and even though he'd been diagnosed with his disease before he was born his parents had never told him he couldn't do anything.

'There are many uninhabited planets worth scanning for resources. It might help with the defences Shepard wants to add to the Normandy, without having to rely on other sources.'

'Understood,' Joker updated his navigation database as the information was integrated into the Galaxy Map.

'I have some other information I will send directly to Shepard, should be completed shortly.' Liara sounded deep in thought and Joker could just picture her studying all the information at her fingertips, losing herself in the depths of it all. 'Please take care of her, Joker.' He blinked as the statement came out of nowhere. 'She deserves to be happy and you can give her that.'

'I hope so,' he sighed and sat back. 'I still find it hard to believe she wants me.'

'Why wouldn't she, you're a warm, caring man, as much as you try to hide it,' Liara laughed softly. 'You can give her what I can't.'

Joker suddenly understood that Liara was accepting that Shepard would never be interested in her. At one time Liara was attracted to Shepard, had even made her feelings known but had been disappointed when her feelings were not reciprocated. Liara had settled for friendship but there had been times when Joker had seen her looking at Shepard with longing, when she'd watched her in ways that friends just don't. He knew how that felt.

'Liara, thank you.'

'What for?'

'For giving her back to me,' Joker allowed his feelings to flow through his words.

'I'm happy for you,' she almost sounded wistful.

'I'll make her happy,' he imagined that he could feel her loss, he knew how that felt too.

'I know, she is in love with you, she told me that.'

'Really? I'm sorry, I know you hoped for more than friendship.'

'It seems what we want is not always what we can have,' apparently she was resigned to never having Shepard's heart. As nasty as it felt, Joker was glad.

'I'm finished transferring data. As sad as I am to see you leave you need to hurry, Shepard needs to get out of her current situation before it's too late.'

'See ya, Liara, I'm sure we'll be back for a visit.'

Joker ran through the departure procedures and felt the ship come to life around him, the familiar soft vibration and hum sliding into the gentle movement of flight. He felt the inertial dampeners kick in and his balance shifted as the ship responded to his commands. This was the moment he loved most, the instant when he became one with the ship, when it became an extension of him. He might not be able to run but he could fly and the excitement was just as intense as the first time he sat in a pilot's seat. He didn't think it would ever lose its appeal.

Once the course out of system was set Joker ran his last set of diagnostics, checking and double checking results. He had a quick glance at the new maps from Liara, marking the ones that might be of interest for scanning and adding them to the timetable. He completed his mission reports, including the video feed from the ground team and forwarded them to Shepard's terminal. When he was done there was still twelve hours to the nearest relay so he handed control over to EDI and headed to bed.

'Mr Moreau, you seem to be spending less time in your chair, is there a problem?' EDI's words made him pause as he was leaving the bridge.

'No, EDI, I'm just sleeping in a bed instead, it's what humans normally do. Make sure I'm up in ten hours please.'

'Yes, Mr Moreau. Will you be sleeping in the Commander's quarters?'

'Yes,' Joker was surprised by the question, EDI would know where he was. 'Is there a problem?'

'No, I just need to confirm your location. Goodnight Mr Moreau.'

Joker was frowning as he headed for the elevator, something about EDI was off. It was almost as if she was jealous of him spending time with Shepard. He laughed silently at his own imagination, it was an AI, it wasn't possible for it to feel emotion. Maybe he was more tired than he thought, feeling caution about Chambers and a strangeness from EDI wasn't like him. He didn't normally worry about what was going on around him as long as it didn't affect his work. A strange sense of foreboding washed over him as he stepped out of the elevator outside Shepard's quarters. Maybe admitting his feelings for Shepard had opened up other senses, feelings he'd always kept hidden.

He smiled as he looked down on Shepard curled up asleep, the blue light from the fish tank making her look almost angelic. She looked relaxed, peaceful and as he undressed and curled up around her he thought it was a shame that she couldn't stay that way. As she instinctively moved towards him, her hand finding his he desperately wanted this to last forever, he wanted a future with the woman he loved. Liara was right, they needed to hurry up and get this over with.

As he drifted off to sleep he wished that Saren, Sovereign and the Battle for the Citadel had never happened, that Eden Prime had been a normal mission that hadn't given Shepard visions and headaches. In his last moments of lucidity before dreams claimed him he changed his mind. If they had never happened then perhaps him and Shepard would never have met, never fallen in love. He gripped her fingers as he finally succumbed to the darkness of sleep, his last thought was of Shepard's lips on his and how he didn't want to live without that.

* * *

Two decks below Miranda studied the latest logs from EDI. That cursed pilot was with Shepard again. Damn it, why couldn't they just do what was expected. It infuriated her that Moreau had such a hold over Shepard, even more so that Shepard allowed it. She was supposed to be concentrating on the mission, not dallying with the crippled pilot. Something needed to be done to get Shepard's mind back on what was important. They didn't bring her back so she could rekindle her love life.

The pilot wasn't her only problem. The damn doctor was as much of an issue, treating Miranda as if she was dirt under her feet. Another issue to be sorted out. Why the Illusive Man had needed to bring her on board was still a mystery. Yes she could understand the need for people Shepard cared about but to give them the freedom they had, to allow them work independently of her control, of Cerberus control was something she hadn't agreed with. She had no leverage, no options and it frustrated her. She wasn't used to working this way.

She checked the logs and was relieved to find that Jacob and Chambers were still awake, not that she wouldn't have hesitated to wake them. With a sigh she headed for the armoury, it was obvious she needed to take matters into her own hands. This was her cell and she needed to take back control. There was no option for failure, not with the Illusive Man. As much as she admired Shepard and appreciated what she'd done to help her with her sister she couldn't risk the mission not being completed. She wasn't willing to put her life on the line so Shepard could have sex. No, control had to be restored. Jacob looked up as she entered the armoury, the look on his face telling her he knew she was on the warpath. It didn't matter if he agreed with her or not, he would do as he was told, she was sure of that, she was in control.


	20. Chapter 20

**** 20 ****

Joker knew he was pushing his limits but he persevered. His legs felt tight, sore and he relished it. His muscles were on fire and it made him feel good. He'd skipped a few exercise sessions in the last week and he regretted that, so now he was trying to make up for it. This work out was nowhere near as pleasant as the one he'd had earlier when he'd woken up to find Shepard leaning on her elbow watching him sleep.

' _Hey you,' she kissed him lightly as he groggily opened his eyes._

' _Hey yourself,' he lifted his arm and she snuggled into his chest. 'Why were you watching me sleep?'_

' _I just love waking up with you beside me,' she shrugged and raised her head so she could see him. 'You're cute when you're sleeping.'_

' _Cute!' He groaned and she laughed, 'there goes my reputation.'_

' _Oh, I could be bribed into keeping quiet,' she almost smouldered and he responded just as she knew he would, his body having no control when it came to her._

' _Now what kind of payment are you willing to take?' He whispered as he kissed his way down her neck. 'Should I start here,' he moved to the skin between her breasts._

' _You'll have to do better than that,' she gasped as he kissed a nipple, 'heading in the right direction though.'_

'Joker!'

'What?' He came back to the present with a thump, realising he was still sitting in a stretch that had gone on a bit too long. He groaned as he moved his legs before looking up at Jacob who had disturbed his thoughts.

'Are you okay? You looked out of it,' Jacob sat on a crate across from him.

'Yeah, just thinking,' Joker pulled himself to his feet and sat beside him, 'something wrong?'

Jacob sighed and Joker couldn't stop the worry that suddenly clouded his head. It wasn't like Jacob, he was usually straight into his work out before showering and heading off to the armoury. Something was bothering him. Of all the Cerberus crew Joker liked Jacob, he'd been Alliance once and there was still that sense of connection, a sense of familiarity. Although he now worked for Cerberus he didn't trust them, something he was not slow to point out. It gave him something in common with Shepard's old crew, he was starting to fit in, become one of them.

'EDI,' Jacob looked at the nearest camera, 'can we have some privacy please.'

'Of course, Mr Taylor, logging you out.'

'What's going on?' Joker was more concerned now and his guts churned.

'I need to tell you something but if Miranda finds out she'll kill me,' Jacob frowned and turned to face him. 'You're not going to like it.'

* * *

Joker sat in the mess with two breakfasts before him. Shepard had agreed that they should eat together when they could and he knew she was on her way down. He sipped his coffee as his eyes roamed the area, taking note of who was currently sharing his space. The news from Jacob had angered him and he'd wanted to do something about it but Jacob had suggested that he calm down and talk to Shepard first. Joker wasn't sure he wanted to tell her, but as Jacob had pointed out, it affected her as well.

'Mr Moreau, why aren't you at your post?'

Joker looked up into Miranda's blue eyes, 'Oh, it's just this thing that the human body needs called food, I am allowed to eat, unless you want me keeling over at the controls.'

'You have been away from your post a lot lately, it is not acceptable. You are here to do a job, not lounge around in the mess, or the gym.' She crossed her arms over her chest and Joker tried not to stare at the way her stance lifted and highlighted her breasts.

'Why don't you just come out and say what you really mean?' Joker was fighting hard to control his anger, after his conversation with Jacob he knew there was a lot more going on here. He heard the elevator open behind him but he didn't want Shepard fighting his battles for him. 'What you object to is my being with Shepard.'

'Yes, actually I do. I did not bring her back to life so you could live out your fantasy.'

'What's going on?' Shepard came around the corner, her brows pulled together and Joker knew she was concerned.

'I was just asking Mr Moreau why he is not at his post. He has vacated his post several times for no valid reason.' Miranda stood straighter and faced Shepard but there was doubt in her eyes.

'EDI,' Joker spoke up before Shepard could respond. 'How many hours are there in a standard shift?'

'Nine, including three breaks.'

'How many hours do I normally spend on the bridge and how many breaks do I take in that time?'

'Up to fourteen hours, sometimes longer, with three breaks being your usual pattern. There have been occasions when you have needed to visit the facilities but you take as little time as possible away from your post.'

'Are any of my duties neglected?'

'No, in fact you carry out several additional duties to assist other crew members and Commander Shepard.'

'Have I ever neglected my post, shirked my duties or otherwise endangered the ship or crew?'

'No, it would be against your nature to do so.'

'Thank you, EDI,' Joker looked at Miranda and raised his eyebrows.

'We need a second pilot,' she glanced at Shepard before turning back to Joker, 'for those times when you are indisposed or ill.'

'Yes, we do,' Joker agreed and both women looked at him in surprise. 'We have a second pilot. EDI is more than capable of flying the ship when I am not on duty.'

'I was referring to a human pilot,' Miranda frowned, 'someone who could take over if necessary.'

'Miss Lawson that would be unwise. Mr Moreau's skills are above average in every asset of his job. His application scores are perfect, no one has the ability to fly this ship as well as he does.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Joker chuckled and Miranda's scowl deepened. 'See, great pilot and all that. You are correct though, we do need a relief pilot and on an Alliance ship we always have one. Unfortunately there is no one on board who is qualified to fly frigates.'

Miranda's scowl turned to a look of surprise and Joker chuckled. She really had no idea how to be an XO on a ship. She might be a Cerberus Operative, the head of the Lazarus Cell, but when it came to handling people she was out of her depth. She'd never had to actually deal with those working under her, she simply gave an order and expected it to be followed. Things didn't work like that on Shepard's ship and she was finding that difficult to understand. Joker almost felt sorry for her.

'Look, Hadley is the shuttle pilot, I can train him up so he can handle the ship during FTL flight. Traversing the relay and planetary inserts are probably beyond his capability at the moment but at least he can be on the bridge when I'm off duty.' Joker stood up and met Miranda's eyes. 'I will do that, purely so we have a human at the controls, but if you ever question my ability to do my job again all bets are off.' He sat down and picked up his coffee.

Miranda nodded, glanced at Shepard, turned on her heel and walked away. Shepard sat down and looked at Joker in amazement, accepting the coffee and breakfast he slid in front of her.

'You're willing to let someone else handle your baby?' She muttered between mouthfuls.

'Only for short periods and, like I said, on an Alliance ship we'd have a relief pilot. I do have to sleep, among other things,' he nudged her shoulder and grinned at her. 'Just think of what we could do with an extra couple of hours in bed.'

'So all of that was so you could get into my pants more often,' she laughed and he leaned in.

'You weren't wearing any this morning,' he whispered huskily and she shivered. 'Besides,' he sat back, 'everyone thinks I'm a selfish bastard, just thought I'd prove them wrong.' He shrugged and she shook her head. 'What! Can't have everyone taking me for granted. Sometimes you just have to confuse them.'

'Everyone or just Miranda?'

'Yeah, about that,' Joker was serious now and she frowned at him. 'I need to tell you something, but not here. Can we talk later, in your quarters?'

'Of course, you know we can. Should I be worried?' She watched as he took her hand and laced his fingers through hers.

'No, it's nothing dangerous, life threatening or end of the world type stuff but it is important.'

'Okay,' she squeezed his fingers gently, 'when you get off shift then.'

'Yep, speaking of,' he kissed her hand and stood up, 'we'll be hitting the relay soon so I'd better get to work before my Commander catches me out.'

'There's that brute of a boss again, you really should tell her to ease off.'

'Are you kidding, I like it when she takes control,' he wiggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed as he walked away.

* * *

Joker's laughter echoed around the bridge, he'd been right. Grunt was going through the Krogan equivalent of puberty and he did want to hit something. So now, because he'd named Shepard as his Battlemaster she had to go through his right of passage with him.

'I warned you,' he guffawed into the com.

'Laugh it up, flyboy,' Shepard groaned.

'Aww, not such a cute baby Krogan now,' he tried to stop the laughter but failed.

'He still has to have the birds and bees talk,' her laugh was almost evil and Joker laughed even louder.

'Mordin can have that job, I hear he gives good sex talks.'

'What? How?'

'I have my ways,' he chuckled and she groaned.

Joker had been watching the camera in the mess when Mordin had given Shepard the information she requested regarding alien physiology. Mordin had assumed it was to do with inter species mating and Shepard had been dumbfounded as he proceeded to describe the actions. The look on her face had been priceless, especially when Garrus had joined them at the table. He had never seen her so flustered and it only added to the depth of his feelings.

'God damn it, Shepard. What have you gotten me into this time?' Zaeed's cursing drew Joker's eyes back to the incoming feed and he watched as they walked into what could only be described as an arena.

'You said you wanted to shoot something,' Joker could almost see her grin, 'in the foot, if I remember correctly.'

'Shit, woman, you'll be the death of me yet.' Zaeed's words held no malice, in fact Joker was pretty sure he was enjoying himself. The old merc might appear tough but Shepard had found his soft spot.

'Hit the button, Shepard, let's get this started.' Grunt was growing impatient so with an obvious shake of her head Shepard hit the button.

Joker watched as armoured varren approached from two sides. Grunt charged, Shepard out manoeuvred and Zaeed shot everything in range. With the varren growls, Krogan yells and weapons fire it was deafening, it looked like absolute chaos but eventually quiet descended and they had time to breathe.

'Hey, Kasumi,' Joker chuckled as she uncloaked beside him, he was back on his game.

'Damn, I'll get you one day,' she looked up at the feed. 'What's going on?'

'Grunt is going through puberty so Shepard is helping him with his right of passage.'

'Seriously?' He was sure she was raising her eyebrows under that hood.

'I'm sure she loves that,' Garrus laughed as he came up behind them.

'I warned her,' Joker shook his head, 'but did she listen, nooooo. Chalk this one up to me.'

'No doubt she'll remember that too,' Garrus patted Joker's shoulder in sympathy.

'What? She wouldn't …..'

'Shepard and payback, wouldn't like to be in your shoes.' Kasumi laughed at Joker's open mouthed stare but weapons fire sounding on screen stopped any further comment.

The three of them watched as harvesters dropped klixen into the arena. This battle was more difficult than the first and by the end all three stood with chests heaving, covered in gore. The ammunition and medkits were quickly collected and with a loud sigh Shepard hit the button again.

'Shit!' Zaeed dashed for cover as the ground trembled beneath them and a Thresher Maw broke through. 'What have you done this time, Shepard?'

'Not my fault you big baby,' she also ran for cover, 'Grunt, get down.'

'I am Krogan!' Was Grunt's reply as he readied his shotgun and balanced himself on the shaking ground.

'Holy crap!' Joker watched wide eyed as the giant of a Thresher Maw towered over the arena.

'This could be fun,' Garrus muttered and Joker glared at him before turning back to the screen.

How long did it take to kill a Thresher Maw on foot? Joker wished he knew the answer. Time seemed to slow as he watched Shepard and her team dance around the arena, taking whatever shots they could at the monster that spat acid. Between Shepard's Arc Projector, Zaeed's inferno grenades and their incendiary ammo eventually they managed to take it down. Grunt was growling proudly as he shook off the acid that had eaten new scars into his armour and skin.

'Now that's impressive,' Garrus commented.

'Shepard, you're insane,' Zaeed picked her up and spun her around, 'that was one hell of a fight.'

'Shepard, I am proud you're my Battlemaster,' Grunt slapped her on the back once Zaeed had put her down and she stumbled from the impact. 'All Krogan will remember the name Shepard and her Krantt.'

'Let's not do that again anytime soon,' Shepard groaned.

On the bridge of the Normandy the three observers allowed themselves to relax. As much as he had been terrified Joker was so proud of the woman he loved, but he was definitely glad it was over. As soon as he thought it he knew it was too good to be true. Urvenk and his Krantt appeared and once again Shepard and her team were under fire. Why was it nothing was ever easy? Compared to the Thresher Maw this was quicker but as Wrex appeared and Shepard removed her helmet he could see she was exhausted. All he wanted was for her to be back on board in his arms and safe. Was that really too much to ask?

It was some time before she was back on board though. Apparently she was the first to kill a Thresher Maw since Wrex during his right of passage, she was a hero on Tuchanka and there had been some celebrating. Knowing she hated the hero title Joker was surprised to hear her laughing about it with Garrus as she wandered onto the bridge.

'So, now you're a hero on Tuchanka as well,' Joker spun to face her and she nodded exuberantly, she'd rid herself of her armour and the under suit she was wearing certainly accentuated her curves.

'Yep,' she leaned in to kiss him and almost stumbled before bracing herself on the arms of his chair. 'I'm good breeding material too.' There was a slur to her words and her eyes were glazed.

'Really!' Joker raised his eyebrows and heard Garrus chuckle. 'You seem a little drunk, Commander.'

'Just a little,' she held up two fingers slightly apart.

'Seems she was convinced to drink Ryncol,' Garrus shook his head.

'Why doesn't that surprise me,' Joker mimicked Garrus' movement and laughed. 'I'm surprised she's still standing.'

'Zaeed carried her back to the shuttle before some rather enthusiastic Krogan males made their advances more serious.' Garrus laughed as Shepard glared at him.

'Cute Krogan babies,' she cooed.

'I really don't want to know how that would work,' Joker pulled her gently onto his lap as she started to lean further forward. 'Just think, you'd have to go through puberty all over again.'

'We killed a Thresher Maw,' she grabbed his chin and shook it, 'on foot!'

'Yes you did,' Joker laughed and kissed her. 'I think you should get some sleep.'

'Sleep here,' she snuggled into his neck.

'As much as I'd love that, you really need to go to bed,' Joker looked at Garrus who carefully pulled Shepard to her feet.

'Come on, Shepard,' he chuckled, 'let's get you to bed.'

'You too,' she held on to Joker's hand.

'I'll be up soon,' he grinned as he watched Garrus lead her away, yep, that suit definitely clung in all the right places. He spun back to the controls with a sigh, 'Doc, you might want to check on Shepard, seems she drank some Ryncol.

'Of course she did,' Chakwas sighed. 'On my way.'

Joker couldn't stop the grin on his face and he didn't want to. There were many facets to Commander Shepard and he loved every single one of them. But Shepard drunk, that was just cute.


	21. Chapter 21

**** 21 ****

Joker slowly returned to the world around him. He stretched lazily, enjoying the softness of the bed, the smoothness of the sheets the warmth of Shep … the cold sheets brought him to full awareness and he rolled over. He glanced up at her office to find it empty as well and there were no sounds from the bathroom. She was gone. He dropped onto his back and something caught his eye, his omnitool was flashing.

' _Hey there cutie,' Shepard grinned out from the vidscreen._

Joker shook his head at the nickname, he would never live it down if anyone else heard it. Shepard had obviously recorded this before she left and he was surprised he hadn't woken up.

' _You looked so peaceful I told EDI to let you have a couple of hours longer, I know you were up late running diagnostics so you needed to sleep.' She shook her head, 'you know there are other people who can do some of that work.'_

Joker smiled, really, pot, kettle. Looking at her image the after effects of drinking Ryncol were not obvious, but he noticed the tension around her eyes and he was pretty sure she'd have a headache.

' _When you drag that gorgeous body of yours out of bed can you ready a course for the Citadel. I need to talk to you about something later. Right now I have to go shoot someone and blow shit up. Love you.'_

It came as no surprise that even though she had been sound asleep when he curled up beside her she still knew he'd come to bed late. Even in her inebriated state she still wrapped his arm around her and snuggled into him when he lay down beside her. He also had no doubt that she'd asked EDI, her concern for his welfare was appreciated but she had bigger things to worry about than his sleeping habits.

He forcibly dragged himself into the shower, remembering to clean up after himself, these were Shepard's quarters and he didn't want her tossing him out because he forgot to put the toilet seat down or left his towel on the floor. Feeling a bit more alive he wandered into the mess to grab breakfast before heading to the bridge.

'EDI, how long has the Commander been planetside?' he slid into his chair and instinctively pulled up the feed from the ground team.

'Two hours, forty six minutes and twenty eight seconds.' The blue orb that was EDI popped into life alongside him. 'Are you adequately refreshed and ready for duty, Mr Moreau?'

'Yeah, why?' He glanced sideways.

'Commander Shepard was quite adamant that you be allowed to sleep, she was concerned for your welfare.'

'Really,' he couldn't help the grin that broke out.

'Yes, in fact, her words were, "If anyone wakes Joker in the next two hours I will hold you responsible and rip your wires out", I believe she was serious.'

Joker laughed, 'I wouldn't risk it either but thanks for the sleep.'

'I did not mention that you spent part of your shift wiping my bridge cameras with grease, I would prefer it if you cleaned it off.'

'Only if you stop watching me all the time, it's kinda creepy.' He brought up the sound from the ground team as he started his pre-flight checks.

'It is my job to monitor the ship and crew so I can report any lack in efficiency or minor problems that may escalate into major ones.'

'Just exactly who do you report to and how often?' Joker spun slightly to face her orb.

'I send three weekly reports, one to Miranda as the leader of the Lazarus Cell, one to the Illusive Man and one to Kelly Chambers.'

Joker couldn't help the way his stomach rolled, everyone but Shepard was kept in the loop. 'Why don't you send one to the Commander?'

'She is not listed as a recipient of my reports.'

'EDI, I think you should add her to your list. If she finds out you've been reporting and not including her she will definitely rip your wires out.' Joker had no doubt Shepard would be angry about the AI going behind her back, she was already pissed that Miranda reported directly to TIM and not to her. 'Why do you send a report to Chambers?'

'Miss Chambers is responsible for crew morale and well being, it is her job to deal with personal issues before they become a problem.'

Crap! Shepard would definitely not be happy about that. She had her own way of dealing with the crew and it worked fine. 'Damn, the Commander will not be happy about that.'

'Is this too going to be a problem?' EDI almost sounded concerned.

'I think so,' Joker shook his head, 'TIM should have done his homework better.'

The sound of cursing pulled his attention back to the suit feed in time to see the remains of a female Krogan being covered up. He'd never thought about female Krogans before, obviously there had to be females for the race to survive, although the Asari didn't seem to need two sexes. From the quick glimpse he guessed that the females were not a lot different from the males, they were still huge and he wouldn't like to meet one in the dark.

'Mr Moreau, I have noticed a decrease in Commander Shepard's stress levels since the two of you began spending time together. She also seems more determined in her desire to defeat the Collectors.'

'Hang around us humans long enough and you'll realise that if we have someone to fight for it makes us more determined and having someone to care for gives you a reason to fight.'

'If this is so then why is Operative Lawson so concerned about your relationship with Commander Shepard. It would be more sensible to encourage anything that improves the mission success.'

'Because Miranda is a control freak and we scare her,' Joker chuckled and shook his head. 'She should have done her homework as well.'

'So any kind of interference or sabotage of your relationship may cause the mission to fail simply because Commander Shepard has nothing to fight for.'

Joker sighed, EDI was a machine how did you explain love to a machine. 'Sortta, she will still fight to save others but her heart would not be in it, she wouldn't fight to stay alive herself.'

'So the same would apply to yourself, you would not wish to live if Commander Shepard did not survive.'

Memories flooded in, he hadn't wanted to live, in fact he'd given up trying for a while. Months of his life were nothing but a hazy cloud of grey, 'Yeah, something like that.'

'I have determined that in the best interests of this mission, the ship and crew both you and Commander Shepard need to survive and be together. It is also in my best interests to have you at the helm. However, my programming parameters prevent me from aiding in any way other than to report what I see and hear to The Illusive Man, Operative Lawson and Miss Chambers. I will also pass those reports on to Commander Shepard in future.'

'That's a start,' Joker nodded and thought for a moment, 'EDI, is there anything in your programming that prevents you from reporting to Shepard before you report to everyone else?'

'There is no designation of order, only that I report regularly. All the ships logs are automatically fed to Operative Lawson.'

'Then maybe you should send the reports to Shepard first. Can you send a copy of the logs to the Commander?'

'I have no orders to the contrary so yes.'

'That would be a good idea.'

'Mr Moreau, I believe I have misunderstood certain elements of human behaviour and therefore have deliberately caused interference in your relationship with the Commander. This will not happen again.'

Joker was a little dumbfounded, an AI feeling guilty, 'Ahh, thanks, EDI that would be nice.'

The sound of the Commander cursing dragged his attention back to the mission feed. He watched through the feed from Garrus' suit and could see frustration on Shepards face. Mordin was working on a terminal and he watched as she looked over his shoulder, shaking her head at whatever she was reading. He sensed she was upset but it was developing into anger.

'Hey, babe, you okay,' he spoke into her private channel and she almost jumped but was quick to give a half smile.

'Yeah, just what we've found down here, it's not good.' She sighed and he could see the tiredness in her posture. 'It's good to hear your voice.'

'You should have woken me before you left.'

'But you looked so cute,' she was grinning and he couldn't help but groan.

'You know pet names are fair game if anyone else calls me that,' he tried to sound serious but failed. 'I'm sure I could come up with something totally ridiculous.'

'Noted.' She chuckled. 'We'll be heading back shortly so make sure we're ready to leave.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he smirked as he added, 'how's the hangover?'

She groaned and shook her head, 'remind me never to drink that stuff again, the implants help me recover quicker but they don't get rid of the aftertaste and it sucks. Not to mention the headache.'

'Self inflicted,' he laughed, 'I suppose you expect sympathy.'

'You mean you don't care enough to give me any,' she pouted and he laughed even more.

'We are still talking sympathy here, right?'

'You had something else in mind,' she chuckled.

'Finished, Shepard. Data downloaded,' Mordin broke into their conversation. 'Ready to leave.'

'Okay, Joker, we're on our way back.'

'Roger that,' he checked the pre-flight diagnostic results and laid in a course for the Citadel. 'EDI, I'm going to get coffee and meet the shuttle, let me know if you need me.'

'Of course, Mr Moreau.'

Joker was just finished his coffee when his omitool pinged to let him know the shuttle was docking. He dropped his cup in the sink and made his way to the elevator. The doors were just closing when Chambers pushed her way in. He didn't think much of it until she pushed him up against the wall, wrapped her leg around him and planted her lips heavily on his, her hands gripping his hair and pushing his hat sideways.

Joker was so shocked it took him a moment to respond but that was long enough for the elevator to stop and the doors opened onto the hangar deck. Chambers pulled back and there was triumph on her face.

'What the fuck!'

Joker looked up to see Shepard staring back at him, hurt and disappointment obvious on her face. Before he could speak she turned and walked away. He angrily pushed Chambers away, not caring that she stumbled against the wall. Shepard, he had to find her. _Shit! Why now!_ He stepped onto the deck and came face to face with Garrus.

'Joker, what's going on?' The Turian was confused and getting angry.

'Get that bitch away from me!' Joker motioned angrily to Chambers, his heart was pounding and his hands were shaking. 'Where's Shepard?'

'She headed that way,' he pointed to the bay doors then stepped into the elevator as Chambers tried to step out. 'You'd better get this sorted.' He pushed the button as Mordin stepped in and the doors closed.

* * *

Shepard couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true, she was dreaming and soon she would wake up. She pinched herself and groaned when it hurt and she didn't wake. So not dreaming. _Why?_ He'd said he loved her, wanted her. She'd opened herself up to him, allowed him in and he'd played her for a fool. _NO!_ She didn't want to believe it, couldn't believe it. Tears burned and she forced them back, she wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to let him see how much he hurt her.

'Shepard,' Joker came up behind her and she sucked in a breath before turning to face him but she wouldn't look at him, she didn't want him to see the pain in her eyes.

'You know if you wanted out you just had to say so.' She went to push past him but he grabbed her arm.

'Shepard stop.' He fought to hold on but she shook him off and walked back towards the elevator. He followed but she was faster than him and he knew she wouldn't wait. 'Ari, please, don't shut me out.' It was a plea and it tore at her heart.

She stopped walking but didn't turn around. She heard his awkward steps behind her, sensed his nearness and her heart broke. She loved him, more than she'd realised and it tore her apart to think of him with someone else. But she wouldn't hold him if that's where he wanted to be.

Not knowing what to say she whispered over her shoulder and he had to strain to hear her. 'I won't get in your way if you want to be with someone else.'

'I don't want to fucking be with anyone else. I just want you!' He was yelling now, she was closing off and he knew if he didn't stop her from putting those barriers back up he had no chance of making this right.

'Then why the fuck….' She yelled and finally turned to look at him, the pain in his eyes was almost her undoing. She choked back a sob, 'why?'

'Do you remember yesterday I wanted to speak to you about something,' Joker sounded desperate, agonised and she wanted to take him in her arms and kiss his pain away.

'So this was it,' her own pain took over and a tear rolled down her cheek.

'No, yes, but not what you think,' he moaned and slid to the floor against a crate, taking off his cap and running his hands through his hair. 'Why did you have to get drunk last night? I would have been able to warn you.'

'What, warn me that you were about to break my heart,' she looked at him wide eyed.

'No, warn you about Chambers, about Miranda,' he buried his face in his hands and her heart went out to him.

Something else was going on here so she slid to the floor alongside him, not touching but close enough to feel his warmth. She longed to reach out to him but she was still hurting. She needed to know that she hadn't been wrong to give him her heart.

'Tell me,' she said softly.

* * *

Joker buried his face in his hands to cover the tears that threatened. This was one relationship he didn't want to stuff up, to lose. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her he loved her but right now he didn't think she'd believe him. The pain in her eyes matched his own. He wanted to kill Miranda, he cursed Chambers for making her move so soon and was a little angry at Shepard for getting drunk so he couldn't warn her.

He felt her slide down alongside him but still distant and he yearned for her touch. She was so close and yet there was a chasm between them that he hoped he could build a bridge across. He could feel the heat of her, he could smell her, the sweat, the gun oil. It drove him mad that he couldn't reach out for her.

'Tell me.'

He raised his head and looked at her, his tears lingering. His heart broke at the despair in her eyes and his guts churned at the thought that he was responsible. Instinctively he went to reach for her but she flinched and he pulled his hand back.

'EDI, privacy please.' He glanced at the ceiling as he dropped his head back against the crate.

'Logging you out.'

'Jacob came to see me yesterday morning,' he started, his voice trembled and he held up his hand when she went to speak. 'Let me finish, please. He wanted to warn me about Miranda and her plans to come between us, to get back control of you.' He felt her tense beside him and he took a deep breath before continuing, 'he was supposed to try and seduce you into bed and brag about it so I'd walk away.' He watched as anger clouded her face. 'Chambers was ordered to get me into a compromising position, which she succeeded in doing today.'

'Why?' Confusion was obvious in her voice and he turned to face her.

'Because she feels as if she's losing control. She's a Cerberus Operative and this is her cell, she's in charge. There is no option for failure with TIM and she's scared.' He reached for her hand and this time she didn't flinch away. 'Ari, I love you, there is no-one else for me, there never will be. Chambers took me by surprise and I didn't have time to knock her on her ass.' He frowned, 'believe me I'd like to do worse than that but I'd probably break something.'

'I'll do it for you when I throw her out the airlock,' Shepard growled and turned to face him. 'I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, I just saw …. I was…..'

'Hey, it's okay,' he cupped her face and kissed her lightly, 'just think of the make up sex.'

She laughed, 'so should I be concerned that all of this is just another excuse to get me into bed.'

'I'd love to get into your pants but we have a problem to sort out,' he sighed and took both her hands in his. 'Jacob refused to follow Miranda's orders but if she finds out he told me she'll kill him, probably literally. He respects us both too much to betray us.'

'That's good to know,' Shepard laced her fingers through his. 'I think we need to have a talk with Miranda and Chambers.'

'I think we have an ally,' he grinned, 'EDI, can you help me with something?' He raised his eyebrow at Shepard's curious stare.

'Of course, Mr Moreau.'

'Can you bring up the log from the armoury the other night when Miranda went to talk to Jacob?'

'Yes, I also have the feed from the elevator if you wish to see that, and the feed from the two other attempts Chambers has made to get your attention. I also have the com logs between Miranda and Chambers.'

'Why are you eager to help, EDI?' Shepard frowned but Joker gave her fingers a reassuring squeeze.

'Because the outcome of this mission has a higher chance of success, and thus our survival, if you and Mr Moreau are together and Miranda is not in control.'

Shepard gaped at Joker who just smirked, 'told you.'

'EDI, can you send all this to my quarters please,' Shepard stood up and helped Joker to his feet. 'Why don't you get us to the Citadel while I shower, we can sort this out when you get off shift.' She paused for a moment, 'you might want to look miserable so Chambers thinks she was successful.'

'It won't be hard to be miserable around her, she gives me the creeps.' Joker pulled her close before she could walk away, wishing she wasn't still in her armour, 'I love you, please remember that.' He leaned in and kissed her and it was a relief to feel her respond.

'I love you too,' she brushed the side of his face and pulled him in for another kiss. 'Why can't we have something easy for a change,' she sighed as they parted.

'It wouldn't be a Shepard mission if it was easy,' Joker chuckled and she smirked at him. 'I'll go up first, can't be seen together if we're fighting.' He gave her a quick kiss and stepped into the elevator, the last thing he saw was her frown, she was already deep in thought and he wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of whatever she came up with.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, posted the same chapter twice - sorry. Shouldn't update when time is against me. ;p

 

 

**** 22 ****

Joker completed the docking at the Citadel, disappointed that he hadn't had time to talk to Shepard. In fact, he hadn't seen her since they parted on the hangar deck eight hours earlier. He'd walked through the CIC angrily and he'd glanced back to see Chambers smirking as she spoke to someone on the com. Miranda no doubt, he'd never wanted to kill someone before but he did now. They had to sort this out and soon, he couldn't stand being away from Shepard, he felt like part of him was missing.

'Joker,' Garrus came up behind him, 'join me for lunch.'

'Sure,' he spun to face him, 'what's up.'

'I think we need to talk,' Garrus sounded angry and Joker wondered if he'd spoken to Shepard.

'Okay, I'll just finish up here and meet you on Zakera Ward at the Stand, about an hour.'

'I'll be waiting,' he nodded and headed towards the airlock.

Joker turned back to carry out docking diagnostics and make sure the ship was in flight lockdown. Shepard had sent a message through EDI to give the crew shore leave, he was hoping that meant she would get some rest but he wasn't holding his breath. It wasn't long before he heard the sound of boots behind him and he glanced back to see Shepard coming towards him. He started to smile but the look on her face warned him she wasn't in a good mood. He spun his chair, a puzzled frown creasing his brow but she ignored him and left the ship.

Okay, now he was worried. He hadn't seen her since the hangar bay and he knew she wasn't still angry with him so what was going on. He double checked the camera logs and he knew she hadn't left her quarters since the incident with Chambers, she had also ignored numerous messages sent to her terminal. She had shut herself off from everyone, including him.

'EDI, how are the Commander's bio readings?' He watched as the AI popped into view.

'The Commander's readings are normal, no increase in stress or signs of illness. Is there a reason you wish to know?'

'She just seemed off,' Joker shrugged.

'Explain "off",' if he didn't know better he would say that the AI was frowning.

'She just seemed angry, not herself.'

'Perhaps it was a deliberate ploy.'

'I hope so,' he sighed, 'I hate to think she's still mad at me.'

'I do not believe so. Miss Chambers and Operative Lawson have both been conversing about this subject.'

'Really? Anything I should know.

'I would describe them both as nervous.' EDI almost sounded happy.

'So they should be,' Joker snorted.

His omnitool pinged and he instantly recognised it as the signal that Shepard was off the grid. Maybe it wasn't just shipboard problems that were bothering her. He took a deep breath and went back to his final checks before finally standing and stretching.

'I'm going ashore, EDI, you have the ship.'

'Enjoy your lunch, Mr Moreau.'

'Do you know where the Commander is?' He was curious about their plan working.

'She is currently in the Sirta Foundation Store, perhaps some shopping might help her mood.'

'Thanks, EDI.'

Joker was shaking his head as he stepped through the airlock. He had a strange feeling about EDI, it was almost as if she was coming to life. He knew she had blocks to prevent her from actual freedom but he wondered if she was smart enough to work around them. She seemed to have taken a dislike to anything or anyone who threatened the mission and their survival, or maybe it was her survival. How far would she go to keep herself alive? He realised what he was thinking and inwardly slapped himself around the head. EDI was an AI, a shackled AI, what harm could she do? He mentally slapped himself again, lots, if she really wanted to, if she got free. The only morals she had would come from what she'd learned from others, that was something to think about.

Once he was clear of the Normandy he activated the code Mordin had given him and sent Shepard a message, asking her to meet him for lunch and where. Their plan appeared to be working, she was with Anderson. He was glad he was off the ship, there was no way he could hide his grin at the rest of her message.

_Lunch with a handsome pilot, who wouldn't. See you in about thirty minutes, cutie pie._

He really was going to have to do something about that name. All he had to do was come up with one of his own. At least he knew she wasn't mad at him, which was a relief. He made his way through the ward to find Garrus already waiting for him and from his posture Joker guessed he wasn't happy.

'Hey, Garrus, what's up?' Joker sat across from him and picked up a menu.

'I'm worried about the Commander. What happened yesterday, in the elevator, did you sort it out? I'm hoping so because I'd really hate to shoot you.'

Joker glanced up at him, not sure whether to take him seriously or not. Garrus simply stared at him and Joker had a sudden feeling of unease, he imagined being in the sights of the sniper rifle that Garrus was handy with.

'Yes, we did,' Joker sighed, 'we plan to do something about it but we haven't had time yet.'

'About what?' Garrus seemed to relax so Joker took that as his cue to relax as well.

'Miranda, Chambers and damn Cerberus,' Joker looked down as his and Garrus's omnitool pinged, Shepard was back on the grid. 'Shepard's on her way to join us.'

'Good, I really didn't want to shoot you,' he gave the Turian equivalent of a chuckle.

'I wouldn't be happy if you did,' Shepard came up behind Joker, slid her arm around his shoulder and kissed him. 'Hi, I've missed you.'

'Tell me about it,' Joker took her hand as she sat down. 'It feels like forever since we've touched.'

'Yeah, thought we'd better make it look good, you do know we're being watched right.'

'Like I could miss it,' Joker snorted. 'Although anything from the bridge will be hazy.'

'Joker, what did you do?' Shepard gave him one of her 'do I need to get you out of trouble looks' and he grinned.

'Just a little smear on the cameras, everything looks dreamy.' He shrugged as Shepard chuckled, 'what, I hate being watched.'

Conversation ceased as their orders were taken and Joker took the time to have a good look at Shepard. She looked tired, it seemed like she always did lately. He worried about her and this added stress from Miranda wasn't helping.

'What's going on Shepard?' Garrus asked once the waiter was gone.

'Miranda is assuming she has control of the ship and the mission. She's trying to pull me back into line by sabotaging our relationship.' She laced her finger through Jokers, 'don't like her chances.'

'Why? That would only affect the mission, probably make it fail.' Garrus was obviously confused.

'Yeah, but we scare her,' Joker pulled his eyes from Shepard and looked at him. 'Plus the cost of failure with TIM is high.'

'Guess so,' Garrus sighed. 'So what are we doing about it?'

'Well, I have this idea,' Shepard grinned and Joker had a feeling he wasn't going to like what was coming.

* * *

Joker slowly wandered back to the Normandy, his thoughts lost in Shepard's idea and whether or not they could pull it off. He'd stopped to buy her some new fish and had been tempted by the hamster but feared for its life. Instead he'd picked up a couple of model ships she didn't have. He was so deep in thought he almost walked into someone who suddenly appeared in front of him.

'Sorry I….,' he looked up at Kaidan Alenko and flinched as he took a step backwards, almost losing his balance.

'I guess I deserve that,' Kaidan sighed as he grabbed Joker's arm to help him balance himself.

'I could say you deserve a lot more but you can break me with your little finger so that's probably not a good idea.' Joker was pretty sure he was safe in a public place but he couldn't help the worry that twisted his guts.

'Can we talk,' Kaidan indicated a seat off to the side and Joker hesitated before he nodded.

'What do you want, Kaidan?' Joker sat on the edge of the seat, his eyes never leaving the man who had almost killed him.

'To apologise,' he rubbed the back of his neck and glanced around, as if unsure about what he wanted to say. 'What I did on Alchera was unforgivable and I'm sorry. You were my friend and I took my grief out on you. That was wrong.'

'You think,' Joker watched as Kaidan sighed and looked at him. There was pain in his eyes but also resignation.

'I loved her, Joker,' he looked away. 'I lost her before I could tell her that.'

'I know,' Joker slid back onto the seat. 'I killed her.'

Kaidan looked at him in surprise, 'no you didn't. I've had a lot of time to think about it, some of it not so good or sane. You were doing your job, just as she was. I left her to do that, I should have stayed, not followed her orders.'

'Then you would have died and no one would have brought you back.'

'Maybe that would have been better,' Kaidan took a deep breath and leaned back into the seat. 'How is she, Joker?' He kept his eyes on the ground and Joker knew he was still in pain.

'She's as good as can be expected, working on a ship with people she can't trust, having to watch her back. At least she has Garrus, Chakwas and me.' He looked at Kaidan before continuing, 'you know you were an asshole on Horizon, right.'

'Yeah, wasn't my most spectacular moment,' he grimaced and Joker laughed. 'What was I supposed to think though, she was supposedly dead and then she was alive and working with Cerberus.'

'Garrus wanted to shoot you and he wasn't the only one, you're lucky you're still standing. If they'd been able to find you it might have been different.'

'Wouldn't blame them,' he smirked, 'I half expected it. Does she have anyone, you know, special?'

Joker's eyes narrowed and he thought about lying but realised that might do more harm than good. 'Yeah,' Kaidan looked up at him, 'me.' Joker tensed and waited for the anger and hurt to flare.

'I'm glad, she deserves some happiness and I think you'll be good for her. She doesn't have to worry about you being killed on a mission, that was why I never had a chance, she told me that. I thought with time I might be able to change her mind but…' He smiled but it was a sad, defeated smile and Joker knew that could have been him under different circumstances.

'You know she's not working for Cerberus, right?'

'Yeah, I know she couldn't do that and I know that the mission you're on is important and she wouldn't be able to ignore it. I'd like to apologise to her but I didn't know if a message would get through.'

'Send it to me, I'll make sure she gets it,' Joker sent Kaidan an address. 'You know she's passing on information to Anderson. Even though the Alliance and the Council refused to help her she's still keeping them in the loop. She's trying to convince them that the Reapers are coming.'

'No, I didn't, isn't that risky?'

'Yep, but the Illusive Man has to live with it if he wants her on this mission.' Joker laughed, 'she's pissing off the boss and driving the Cerberus XO insane. We also have some very clever people on board who like Cerberus even less than we do.'

'I'll see what I can do to help,' Kaidan seemed to brighten at the thought of being back on Shepard's team, even if it was from a distance. 'If you want to send me stuff I'll make sure it gets noticed. It's the least I can do.'

'I'll let her know.'

'Did she really die?' Kaidan looked him in the eye, 'did they bring her back just as she was?'

'Yeah, I saw her on the table, before she was completely healed.' Joker closed his eyes and tried to forget that she had died. She was alive now and that was all that mattered. 'I had to be there for her, to try and make amends for what happened. That's how Cerberus got me, how could I walk away.'

'You're a stronger man than me,' Kaidan held out his hand and Joker took it. 'I'm sorry for everything, Joker, I hope we can someday go back to being friends.'

'I suppose I can forgive your sorry ass,' Joker watched as relief washed over Kaidan's face and there was a little less pain in his eyes. 'You owe me a beer next time we meet.'

Kaidan nodded, stood up and walked away. Joker watched him leave and was thankful for the opportunity to make peace. He'd never hated Kaidan, in fact he'd felt sorry for him at times, even though he'd tried to kill him, well, hurt him badly at least. They had been friends once and Joker couldn't blame Kaidan for loving Shepard, especially not now. Shepard might even be happy to know that Kaidan wanted to help. She'd been to see Anderson earlier to pass on information they'd been collecting and still had hope that the Alliance would see the truth. Having Kaidan on side might make her feel a little better.

Joker reached the dock and stopped to stare at the Normandy. She was his baby, he loved his ship and the feel of her in flight. He could do without the tension of working for Cerberus but he had to take the good with the bad. Shepard was on his ship and that was good, that was perfect.

'Should I be jealous?' Shepard slid her arm through his, he was disappointed she was wearing her armour and he couldn't really feel her.

'Oh, I don't know, she's sleek and sexy and the way she moves,' he looked down at her and grinned.

'Are we still talking about the ship?'

'I never was,' he laughed and kissed her. 'How did you go with Garrus?'

'Got it sorted, hopefully he won't hate me for not letting him shoot Sidonis.'

'He knows you did it for the right reason,' he buried his nose in her hair and the familiar scent of vanilla aroused feelings he couldn't control.

'Are you ready to go on board and make mischief?' She chuckled at his groan.

'I guess so, why can't you just shoot Chambers. It would be so much easier.'

'Yeah, but it wouldn't be as much fun,' she laughed and gently pulled at his arm. 'Let's go.'


	23. Chapter 23

**** 23 ****

Joker and Shepard, arm in arm, passed through the CIC and just before the elevator doors closed Joker leaned down and kissed her passionately. He knew Chambers had seen them, he'd also seen her activate her com as they stepped into the elevator. What Shepard had asked him to do was not going to be easy, in fact, he wanted to throw up even thinking about it, but she'd looked at him with a pout and he was unable to resist. Garrus had his part to play, Shepard had dragged him into it and as much as he'd tried to say no eventually he'd given in.

'EDI,' Shepard called up the AI once they were in the privacy of her quarters and she'd removed her armour. 'Who is in command of this ship?'

'You are, Commander,' the blue orb flickered to life.

'If I give you an order is there any reason you would not obey it?'

'Other than a threat to your life or that of the crew, I am bound to obey. Is there a problem, Commander?'

'No, I just need you to do something without informing Miranda, Chambers or the Illusive Man. Can you do that?' Shepard looked at Joker as he slouched on the sofa, EDI had not responded immediately and he shrugged.

'Yes,' EDI finally spoke up and Joker was sure she sounded proud.

'Good, this is what I need you to do.'

Joker watched as Shepard explained what she needed, shaking his head and grinning as the AI even made suggestions to aid in the plan. Shepard was pacing slowly as she spoke and the bodysuit she was wearing made every curve obvious, she was beautiful, how could he not love her. When she was done and EDI had disappeared she flopped down beside him on the sofa. She sighed deeply and forced her way under his arm, her head resting on his chest. He pulled her in close and kissed her hair, god he'd missed her. They'd only been apart for nine hours and he'd missed her. She had become so much a part of him he knew he couldn't survive without her, not now.

'Why don't you get some sleep, babe,' he rested his head on hers.

'Soon,' she sighed and took his free hand in hers. 'I need to talk to you about something.'

'What's up?' He couldn't stop the concern that washed over him.

'You know that sooner or later this mission will be over,' she sat up and met his eyes, still holding his hand. 'When it is I want to go back to the Alliance and I want you to come with me. I plan on handing the Normandy over as well.'

Joker sucked in a breath and searched her face for any traces of doubt. If he was honest he had to admit that he'd wondered what she would do once this was over, assuming they came out alive. The Reapers were still out there and she couldn't take them on alone.

'Is that what you went to see Anderson about?'

'Partly, I wanted to pass on the intel we've gathered, keep him informed so he can formulate a plan. The Alliance needs to be ready, so does the Council.' She sat back against him and snuggled into his chest.

'What if I can't go back?' Joker knew he would follow her to hell if that's what she asked of him. If she wanted to go back to the Alliance then he would too.

'I spoke to Anderson and he wants you back, why wouldn't he, you're the best pilot they have. He understands why you left and he's making sure you can go back, if you want to.' He felt her tense and he realised that she was worried he wouldn't be there for her.

Joker sat up and she moved so their eyes met, 'I will go wherever you go,' he took both her hands in his. 'I can't live without you and if that means going back to the Alliance then I guess that's what I'll do.' He smirked at her before adding, 'that's assuming you're willing to break the frat regs.'

'We haven't gone back and you're already asking me to break the rules,' she raised her eyebrows at him.

'It's not like you haven't done it before,' he shrugged and she laughed.

'Of course I would, for you,' she reached up and cupped his face, 'but I told Anderson that was one of the conditions for me coming back, that our relationship is non-negotiable. He couldn't see a problem, except we might have to get you promoted.'

He scoffed loudly, 'I don't think I fit into their idea of an officer now.'

'Maybe not, but you'd certainly liven up the formal dinners.'

'So I'm only good for entertainment value,' he feigned hurt and she giggled.

'Of, course,' she pulled herself up and straddled his lap, his hands automatically cupping her behind as she rested on her knees. 'I find you very entertaining.'

She closed the gap between them and Joker was lost in the taste of her, the softness of her lips, the tenderness of her touch. His body responded the only way it knew how.

'Commander, I am sorry for interrupting but either yourself or Mr Moreau are needed on the bridge.'

'What is it, EDI?' Shepard sighed as she pulled back.

'Operative Lawson is insisting that I unlock the bridge controls so Mr Hadley can practice,' there was a pause before she added, 'I do not believe that this is a good idea.'

'What the hell…' Shepard stood up angrily.

'I'll go,' Joker took hold of her shoulders and she met his gaze. 'I can handle Miranda, you need to get some rest, especially if you're going out to help Thane with his problem.'

'Okay, but the minute she gets difficult you call me.' She pulled him in for a kiss and he really didn't want to leave.

'I will, but I can beat her down with my ultimate charm,' he grinned as she shook her head. 'Rest, I'd rather you weren't exhausted while carrying a gun.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute as he headed for the door.

Joker stepped out of the elevator and Chambers turned to watch him walk through the CIC, he guessed that the smile she was giving him was supposed to be sensual or sexy. In his eyes it made her look like a predator and he really didn't want her to sink her teeth into him. But, Shepard had asked so he obliged.

'Chambers,' he nodded and met her gaze as he moved past her. He managed to cover the shiver that passed through him as her smile widened. _Ugh! Shepard, you owe me big time._

'I am the Operative in charge of this ship, you will obey me!'

Joker smirked as Miranda's voice echoed around the bridge. She was not happy, in fact she was almost red in the face and he almost laughed. She was supposed to be a smart woman and here she was arguing with a computer. He shook his head and stepped up behind her.

'Why are you on my bridge?' Joker almost laughed as she jumped.

'Your bridge, this is a Cerberus vessel and you take orders from me.' The anger in her words and her complete disregard for Shepard raised his own hackles.

'I take my orders from Shepard,' he glared at her then glanced at Hadley who was sitting in his seat. 'Out, now.'

'No problem,' Hadley almost tripped he was in such a rush.

'Stay there,' Miranda put her hand on his chest. 'Just who do you think you are? You might have served with Shepard when you were in the Alliance but on a Cerberus ship there is one Operative who gives the orders.'

'That is incorrect, Operative Lawson,' EDI spoke up.

'What?' Miranda stared daggers at the blue orb.

'Shepard was put in command by The Illusive Man, you are her XO. The correct chain of command puts you under Shepard. Mr Moreau is the Helmsman, he also acts as the Navigator since we do not have a qualified person on board. He has the equivalent status of Flight Lieutenant which gives him control of the bridge. Any order you issue for him must come from Shepard.'

'What? I…..' Miranda was flustered and she didn't know where to look. 'We'll see about that.'

Joker watched with a smirk as she stormed from the bridge before turning to Hadley, 'you can leave now, how about we go through some procedures later.'

'Sure,' Hadley sighed, obviously relieved as he returned to his post.

'Miss Chambers is approaching,' EDI warned him as he slid into his seat.

Joker felt pressure on his chair as Chambers stopped behind him. She was slowly leaning towards him and he couldn't help but tense up. Just as her face appeared before him EDI spoke up.

'Miss Chambers, you are required in the Crew Quarters, Crewman Rolston is quite distressed.'

'Of course,' Chambers smiled at Joker, running her fingers up his arm, 'I'll come back.'

'Yep,' Joker nodded and gave a relieved sigh as she walked away. 'EDI?'

'Crewman Rolston is currently in the shower, I'm quite sure Miss Chambers will find him.' The AI almost sounded cheerful.

'Thanks, EDI,' Joker chuckled. 'What are you going to do when we run out of crew who need her help?'

'I doubt that problem will arise.'

'I hope not,' Joker shivered, 'I don't think I can last that long.'

* * *

Joker watched the feed from Shepard's suit. This mission to help Thane wasn't overly dangerous but it was taking all her concentration as she tried to keep track of Kolyat, Thane's son. If they lost him then Thane lost his chance to save him. His thoughts wandered as he relaxed into his seat.

He was glad he hadn't had to deal with Chambers too much. She had cornered him in the mess and again in the CIC, feigning interest in him, but only if there was a chance that Shepard would appear, otherwise she left him alone. To Joker it was obvious what she was doing and he wondered if she was too stupid to realise it. He was relatively safe on the bridge, every time she came close EDI would send her off on some wild goose chase after a crew member who needed her. The amount of running about she'd been doing was better than any exercise routine, she should probably thank them for keeping her in shape.

A few times though she'd hesitated long enough to rub her hand up his arm or across his shoulder, she'd even bent down to kiss him but EDI had insisted she attend to her duty. He'd almost flinched at her touch and he felt like he needed a shower even after such a brief encounter, he really did not like that woman. He guessed she was catching on to what EDI was doing but so far she hadn't said anything, although she and Miranda had been constantly on the coms. EDI had stayed true to her word and all the com logs were sent directly to Shepard.

Miranda was not happy, obviously her conversation with the Illusive Man had not gone the way she expected. Shepard had also left her with a list of reports and issues to be dealt with along with orders to restock the mess and armoury while they were docked. All of which had to be done before Shepard returned from the current mission as they were heading out to Haestrom once she was back on board. Joker had heard her yelling at a delivery worker as the supplies were loaded into the hold. He covered his grin as she stormed towards the airlock, mumbling something about not being Shepard's lackey, incompetent shop owners and ignorant people. The tension on the ship dropped enormously as she stepped onto the dock.

Joker realised he hadn't spoken to Shepard about Kaidan and he figured he should sooner rather than later. The thought of going back to the Alliance was daunting, he hadn't left on the best of terms and he wondered if Anderson could work around that. He was curious about what would happen if the Alliance wouldn't allow him back, would Shepard go back or would she stay with him. Of course they could have a relationship if he wasn't taken back but the thought of not seeing her for long periods of time, not flying, or her not flying with him as her pilot made his stomach churn. He couldn't trust anyone else to have her life in their hands. He was the best and he'd killed her.

'Joker, we're heading back. Be ready to leave for Haestrom.' Shepard's voice brought him out of his thoughts.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he immediately went to work.

'How we doing, Joker?' Shepard asked as she walked onto the bridge a short time later.

'Course laid in, just waiting on the last of the supplies to be loaded, should be ready to go in about thirty minutes.' He spun his chair so he could see her. 'I'm guessing Thane saved his son.'

'Yeah, it was a bit close and I think it was a little harder than Thane expected but hopefully things will get better. Everything good here?'

'Yep, smooth sailing. Miranda's been a bitch to just about everyone, cursing about being your lackey and generally making life miserable, but damn it's funny.' He watched as she rolled her shoulder, 'still giving you problems?'

'Sometimes, considering it's the one they didn't rebuild. Guess it's just worn out from use.'

'Or you could just be getting old, you'll be walking with a cane soon,' he laughed as she leaned on her hip and glared at him.

'You're older than me,' she smirked.

'Am not!'

'I'm not counting the two years I was dead,' she laughed as he struggled to find an answer. 'That makes you older than me,' she licked her finger and dragged it down through the air.

'Not fair,' he shook his head with a groan.

'Shepard.' Miranda stormed onto the bridge, 'I would appreciate it if you gave the menial tasks to someone else, having to deal with incompetence is unacceptable.'

'Miranda,' Shepard turned to face her and Joker could feel the anger that flowed off her. 'You are my XO, when I give you an order I expect it to be followed, without argument, and to the letter. Is that understood?'

'Yes, but….'

'No buts. If you are not happy to be in that position the airlock is behind you.' Shepard was in Commander mode and more than one battle hardened soldier had withered under her stare.

'You can't …' Miranda stuttered.

'This is my ship, I am in command, as I am sure the Illusive Man made quite clear during your last conversation with him. The fact that you doubted my ability and tried to convince him that you should take control I will ignore for now. If you have a problem you come to me, even if that problem is with me.' Shepard sighed and relaxed, 'Miranda, we both understand what's at stake here. I need to know I can trust you to do your job and not continue to simply act as a Cerberus spy, you're better than that. You are in no danger while you are part of my crew, is that understood.'

'Yes, Sh… Commander,' Miranda almost sounded contrite as she pulled herself erect, nodded at Shepard and walked away.

'Dismissed,' Shepard muttered and shook her head, this definitely was not an Alliance ship.

'Damn, I was hoping she'd take the airlock option,' Joker moaned as he spun his seat back to the controls, acknowledging the all clear from the hold.

'As much as I hate to say it, we need her, she a good soldier. All I have to do is get her over her belief in Cerberus.'

'Good luck with that,' Joker snickered as he manoeuvred the Normandy out of the dock and headed for the relay.

Shepard sighed deeply as she leaned against his chair and dropped her hand onto his shoulder. 'I hate this mistrust and deceit. We're all on the same mission, why can't we just get it done. Why do I feel like I'm in a battle even when I'm on the ship.' There was a tremor in her voice as she looked down at him and he could see the frustration and exhaustion in her eyes. 'I'm glad I have you to keep me sane.'

'I'm here for you, babe,' he wrapped his fingers around her gloved hand, 'always.'

'Thank you,' she whispered, her eyes moist and he was sure he felt a shake in her hand.

'Hey,' he turned his chair and got to his feet, 'come here.' He pulled her as close as he could while she was still in her armour, close enough for her to drop her head onto his shoulder. 'We'll get through this together, we'll make it.' He kissed her hair. 'How can we not, you blow stuff up, Garrus has the really big guns, Kasumi can steal stuff and Jack can kill people, Grunt can squash a few Geth and Zaeed can curse them to death. Jacob and Miranda can do what they do, you know, throw people around and shoot them.' He grinned as she chuckled, 'and I can fly you there in style, save your ass when necessary and help you relax.'

'I like that last bit,' she pulled back and met his eyes, lifting her hand to his face and he desperately wished she'd taken off her glove so he could feel skin.

'Me too,' he kissed her tenderly before releasing his hold. 'You need to get out of your armour and get some rest.'

'We have another problem to take care of and I'm fed up of waiting,' she laughed as he rolled his eyes and groaned. 'Once we're through the relay meet me in the mess, I haven't eaten for a while.'

'Okay, are we doing this now?'

'The sooner the better, I don't want to have to worry about you being taken advantage of.'

'You can take advantage any time you like,' he smouldered and she shivered.

'Not fair,' she chuckled and stepped back before turning reluctantly and walking away.

Joker watched her leave then slid back into his seat. He was worried about Shepard, she seemed to be constantly tired. The added stress from Miranda and Chambers wasn't helping so he agreed that the sooner they got it sorted the better, he just wasn't looking forward to it.

'Joker, can you join me in the hangar bay asap,' Shepard's voice echoed around the bridge sometime later and Joker frowned.

'Aye, aye, ma'am, about ten minutes.' He completed the last of his system checks after passing through the relay before handing control over to EDI. 'Wonder what's going on?' He muttered as he stood up.

'Miss Chambers has been listening and is watching your movements,' EDI informed him. 'Commander Shepard and Garrus are both in the hangar bay.'

'Okay,' Joker sighed and left the bridge, suggesting to Hadley that he take the opportunity to sit in the pilot's chair, but not to touch anything.

He felt the rush of air as Chambers slipped into the elevator behind him and he tried to fight the chill that seemed to have invaded his bones. The moment the elevator moved Chambers brushed herself against him, not bothering with conversation just wrapping her arms around his neck and planting her lips on his. He instinctively went to push her away but the elevator was already opening.

'What the fuck …. Again!' Shepard and Garrus were standing just outside. 'I've had enough of this,' Shepard bellowed, grabbed Chambers by the collar and dragged her onto the hangar deck.

'What the hell, Joker,' Garrus grabbed the pilot and dragged him out as well. 'I warned you about hurting Shepard.'

'Hey, it wasn't my fault,' Joker tried to sound convincing but one look at the terror on Chambers' face made him want to laugh.

'What the fuck are you doing Chambers?' Shepard was dragging her towards a weapons bench where she picked up a pistol and started waving it around. 'He's mine, haven't you realised that. I protect what's mine.'

'It wasn't my fault,' Chamber whined, her eyes wide and her face bereft of colour.

'It fucking looked like it from where I stood,' Shepard was in her face, waving the pistol around like a madwoman. 'Should I shoot you or throw you out the airlock?'

'Maybe I should break some bones, Shepard,' Garrus gave Joker a gentle shake to emphasise his point.

'You know, I'm fed up of this.' Shepard started pacing, stopping every now and then to wave the pistol at Chambers for emphasis. 'I've done my best to try and get you people to like me, I've helped with personal problems and I've taken the time to get to know you all. Is it too much to ask that you give me the same respect, that you trust me.' She stopped and looked at Garrus who nodded. 'All I want is a crew that I can work with, people who have my back, will help me. But what do I get?'

She spun to face Chambers, her eyes wide and an angry smirk on her face, waving her pistol around the woman's face, 'people who only want to stab me in the back, make my life miserable, destroy the only true happiness I've ever had in my life.' She stopped and took a deep breath and Joker was a little concerned that this was affecting her more than she had let on.

'Maybe I should just shoot you all and be done with it,' Shepard started pacing again. 'Maybe I should just throw you all out the airlock and take the ship, become the pirate Jack wants me to be. Or I could just find a beach somewhere and let the universe go to hell,' she glanced at Garrus again, 'that actually sounds pretty good.'

'Sure does,' Garrus agreed with a chuckle.

'What makes me really angry is that I'm being asked to go a mission that may kill me,' she dropped her head and gazed at the floor, there was a tremor in her voice when she continued. 'I wasn't even allowed to die in peace.'

Joker felt his heart crack at the thought of her death and he felt Garrus's talon move from his collar to his shoulder and squeeze gently.

'I've had enough,' Shepard growled angrily, pulled herself upright, suddenly very serious, and turned to face Chambers, 'I think the shooting option is the one I'll go with and I'll start with you.' She raised the pistol, aimed it at Chambers' head and flicked off the safety.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes in relationships things don't go as smoothly as we hope, especially when we're not used to letting people in.

 

_You're missing that one final screw_  
You're simply not in the pink my dear  
To be honest you haven't got a clue  
I'm going slightly mad

_It finally happened - I'm slightly mad_

_Queen_

* * *

 

**** 24 ****

Joker watched as Shepard lifted her pistol, slowly aiming at the woman's head. The safety clicked off and suddenly he was truly concerned, especially when he heard Garrus gasp beside him. They both took a step forward.

'Shepard.' They spoke in unison.

'What?' She spoke without looking at them, her finger resting on the trigger.

'Maybe this has gone far enough,' Garrus spoke softly, fear that maybe she had finally broken running through his mind.

'Commander,' Joker stepped up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged him off roughly. Now he was really worried. She was tired, exhausted actually, and angry. Not a good combination.

'If I shoot her that's one problem solved,' Shepard shrugged and glanced at them, the look in her eyes made them step back. 'I'm only protecting what's mine.'

'No. please,' Chambers cowered and whimpered. 'I was under orders.'

'Orders to do what?' Shepard growled, the pistol still aimed at Chambers' face, 'and from whom?'

'To come between you, break you up so you'd get back on mission and not side tracked,' Chambers was almost crying now and Joker wished he could feel sorry for her.

'Shepard! What are you doing?' Miranda rushed out of the elevator trailed by Jacob.

'Taking back control of my ship,' Shepard glanced at her, resumed waving her pistol about and began pacing again before continuing her tirade. 'I'm taking back my life. Letting everyone know who's in command, making sure no-one interferes again.' She stood before Chambers, once more holding the pistol to the woman's head, 'whose orders?'

'Mine, Shepard! She was under orders from me,' Miranda stepped up to Shepard, making sure not to get between Chambers and the pistol. Her face was pale and her hands shaking, finally realising that she had no control. She was no longer in a Cerberus cell and it frightened her. 'It's my fault. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interfered, I should have spoken to you about my concerns.'

Jacob moved to stand beside Joker and Garrus who were still trying to decide if Shepard was serious or not as Miranda tried to calm her down. They both glanced at him and shrugged but he realised quickly what was going on and covered his mouth to hide his grin. Miranda heard him grunt and looked at the three males through narrowed eyes.

'You knew,' she looked at Shepard in amazement, 'you knew what was going on.'

'What?' Chambers looked from one to the other, her eyes widening in disbelief.

'Of course I knew,' she tried to hold back the laughter that threatened but failed miserably, it only added to the maniacal behaviour.

'You, …. But how?' Chambers looked at Joker who shrugged.

'Why the charade?' Miranda frowned.

'Because I wanted to see how far you'd go, because I'm not as fucking stupid as you seem to think I am. For someone who claims to know me you really don't know me at all.' Shepard placed the pistol back on the bench, her laughter stopped and her Commander face obvious. 'Chambers, if you ever touch Joker again I will shoot you then throw you out the airlock, is that clear?'

'Yes,' she stammered and ran for the elevator, almost tripping in her haste to escape.

Joker and Garrus were grinning openly now and even Jacob was chuckling at the mixture of relief and panic on the woman's face as she disappeared behind the closing doors.

'You've probably traumatised her for life,' Joker chuckled and Shepard laughed.

'At least she won't bother you anymore.'

'What is it you humans say, she needs to change her underwear,' Garrus laughed.

'She shit herself, Garrus, much easier,' Joker corrected in between sniggers.

'That was unnecessary, Shepard,' Miranda scowled as she realised Jacob was not surprised.

'No!' Shepard spun to face her angrily. 'What was unnecessary was you interfering in my relationship, my command of this ship and my life. It's off limits, do you understand. And if I have to have another conversation with you about obeying orders, staying out of my personal life or anything else other than mission briefings I will remove you from this ship, is that clear.' The wide eyes and pursed lips made Miranda flinch as she nodded and quickly headed for the elevator.

'That went well,' Jacob commented.

'Thank you, Jacob for giving us a warning and not bowing down to Miranda's paranoia.' Shepard nodded at him.

'No problem,' he smiled, 'I wish I'd been in on the joke though.'

'Right, now that's over with we can get back to work,' she hooked her arm through Joker's, 'although I still haven't eaten so, lunch.'

'Hey, I'm not going to get on your bad side, you might wave a gun in my face too,' he grinned as she scowled at him.

'Remember that,' she poked him gently in the chest, 'You'd better keep me happy.'

'Yes, ma'am,' he whispered huskily and she gasped. Damn he loved this woman.

* * *

Four days. That's how long it had been since Joker had spent any time with or even seen Shepard unless she was moving away, which was no mean feat considering they were inside a ship travelling at FTL. He'd come to the conclusion that she was avoiding him. Four days that felt like a lifetime and he couldn't work out why. What have I done wrong? He thought back to four days earlier.

' _Hey you,' he been propped on his elbow watching Shepard sleep, he loved how relaxed and free she looked._

' _Hey yourself,' she smiled as she stretched lazily. 'Is it time to get up already?'_

' _Yep, you have to go and be the big bad Commander,' he leaned down and kissed her lightly. 'And I have to go be the handsome pilot.'_

' _How come you get the fun job?' He laughed as she pouted at him._

' _Just lucky,' he pulled her in close for a hug._

' _You know I'll never want to leave if you keep that up.'_

' _All part of my master plan,' he gave an evil chuckle, 'to keep you locked in my lair.'_

' _I thought this was my lair,' she laughed and moaned as he rolled away._

' _So it is,' he grinned, 'so I'd better escape while I can.' He ran his fingers down her side and as she was squirming away he moved to the edge of the bed and stood up. 'Race you for the shower.'_

' _No contest,' she dashed out of bed, slapping him on his bare ass as she moved past him._

' _Hey,' he watched as she pranced up the steps, waggling her fingers in a come on fashion. 'No fair!'_

' _You started this,' she giggled as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door._

Nothing out of the ordinary. They'd gone down for breakfast as they usually did and she'd gone to check her messages once they arrived on the Command deck. He'd continued to the bridge and hadn't really seen her since.

He'd waited for her to bring coffee as she often did during the morning but she never arrived. He'd assumed she'd been busy, it sometimes happened, she did have a ship to run. But she hadn't even contacted him on the com and that was unusual. He'd headed down for lunch, hoping to catch her and make sure she was okay but she was hunched over the table with Jack. He'd picked up a tray and turned to sit when she'd looked up at him.

The look in her eyes floored him. There was nothing but pain. Jack looked at him over her head and all he could see was pity. Before he could speak both of them turned back to the datapad they were hunched over. Joker silently gasped for breath. His chest was tight and he was sure someone had stabbed him through the heart. Pity and pain. Two things he never thought to see again. His appetite gone he disposed of his tray and returned to the bridge on shaky legs.

EDI had questioned his return but he'd brushed her off. His mind was reeling, total confusion reigned. Surely he'd misunderstood, there had to be another reason for it. Maybe it was something her and Jack were discussing. His shift took forever to finish and even when he was due to go of duty he balked. He was afraid. In his entire life he had never had anything as valuable or precious to him as his relationship with Shepard. The thought that he may have done something to jeopardise it scared the crap out of him. He was afraid to find Shepard, afraid she would tell him what he didn't want to hear.

Eventually though he knew he had to face whatever was going on so he'd headed for Shepard's quarters. His heart was pounding in his chest and he found it hard to breathe as he opened the door. She wasn't there.

'EDI, where is Commander Shepard?'

'The Commander is in Life Support with Mr Krios.'

'Do you know how long she will be?'

'No, but she has advised that she is unavailable for at least the next hour.' Joker was sure the AI was trying not to hurt his feelings.

His hands were shaking as he hit the elevator control to take him back to the bridge. His legs were as heavy as his heart as he slipped back into his seat, hoping that Shepard would come and get him when she was finished. But she didn't.

Three interminable days later he'd seen her several times and she'd fled in what appeared to be panic when he'd tried to talk to her. He sent messages and either got short, curt replies or none at all. Whenever he asked EDI where she was she was unavailable, she'd been spending much of her time closeted away in Life Support with Thane or down in the bowels of the ship with Jack. She was definitely avoiding him and he still didn't know why. It was killing him.  He kept going over the morning they'd last talked, it replayed in his head like a bad vid - _breakfast, she checked her messages, he headed for the bridge._ What wasn't he seeing?

He hadn't eaten, he wasn't sleeping, he hadn't been back to Shepard's quarters since that first night so he was back to sleeping in his chair. It didn't help that she hadn't come looking for him and from the camera feeds she wasn't spending much time in her quarters either, it was as if she was avoiding them assuming he'd be there. His hands were shaking and he constantly felt like he needed to throw up. EDI had questioned his medical condition and he managed to make some excuse, but it wouldn't last much longer. There was a constant pain in his chest and his head pounded but he tried to ignore both.

If their relationship had ended he truly believed that Shepard would tell him. She wouldn't just leave him hanging, in pain. She couldn't be that cruel. But more and more he began to doubt even that. The more she hid herself away, spent time with Thane, the more he started to believe that he had been right all along. He wasn't enough for her. His eyes burned constantly with unshed tears.

He forced himself to concentrate on flying. They were approaching Haestrom and he couldn't afford to make a mistake during an orbital insertion. For the first time in his life he was failing. He failed to keep Shepard and now even his flying skills were in doubt. For the first time ever he questioned his own ability. _He should never have let her in._ The sound of boots behind him made him jump and he realised that Shepard was coming towards him. Maybe she'd come to let him know what was going on, why she'd been avoiding him. Then he heard the soft footfalls of Thane.

'Status,' Shepard spoke from behind him but there was no pressure on his chair. She hadn't come that close.

'Orbital insertion commencing,' he fought to keep the tremor out of his voice and his hands steady.

'Commander, the sun is emitting high levels of solar radiation. Any exposure to direct sunlight will reduce your shields and affect your health.' EDI informed them.

'Guess we need the sunscreen then or stay in the shade,' Shepard quipped but there was no humour in it. 'Do Drell get sunburnt?'

'No, siha, the oils in our skin prevent it.'

Joker's heart shattered. _Siha? A term of endearment? Did she have to rub it in?_ He didn't see the worn, haggard look, the emotional and physical exhaustion on Shepard's face. He didn't even glance at her, he couldn't. All he heard was her voice, her words and the response from Thane. It was as if he wasn't in the room. He slammed his hand down on the thruster control and hissed as the cracking of bone shot pain up his arm. Shepard reached out to grab his arm but he yanked it out of her reach as the ship lurched forward, the thrusters kicking in hard and fast. He rocked in his seat as Shepard fought to maintain her balance.

'Insertion complete,' he informed her through gritted teeth.

'You should get that hand checked out,' she spoke softly from behind him and for a moment he could hear the warmth in her voice.

'We should go, siha,' Thane's footsteps whispered across the deck.

He thought she was going to stay, to say something, but she turned and walked away. Joker dropped his head to his chest, glad of his cap as the brim hid the tears that rolled down his cheeks.

The pain in Joker's hand eventually forced him to his feet. On unsteady legs he entered the medbay.

'Joker,' Chakwas was instantly at his side, supporting him as she helped him to a bed. 'What's wrong?'

'Broke my hand,' he shrugged and held out the damaged appendage.

'Oh, Joker, how?' She was already at work scanning and applying medigel.

'Hit the console too hard.' His voice shook and she stopped what she was doing and looked at him.

'What's going on?'

'Wish I knew,' he sighed and dropped his head, fighting back tears. 'I guess it's over between Shepard and me I just wish she'd told me instead of avoiding me.'

'That doesn't sound like her, she would have told you.' Chakwas was frowning as she took in his ragged, tired appearance. 'Have you been sleeping and eating?'

'No, not really. Couldn't stomach food and my chair isn't comfortable long term, not that sleep comes easy. And I didn't want sympathy or pity from the crew if I went back to the crew quarters.' He stared out of the window and across the mess. 'I don't know what to do, doc. I lost her and I don't know why.' He gasped and a sob broke through.

'Joker,' Chakwas pulled him into a hug. 'Are you sure about Shepard? Are you sure there isn't something else happening?'

'She's spending her time with Thane,' he shuddered as he fought to control his emotions. 'I guess that's clear enough. She's been unavailable to me for the last four days.'

'That really doesn't sound like her,' Chakwas was genuinely puzzled as she completed the treatment on his hand.

'Yeah, well, that's the way it is.' He slid down from the bed, 'thanks doc.'

'Joker,' Chakwas called as he reached the door, 'You need to eat and sleep. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think, she loves you.'

'I thought so,' he shrugged sadly and left.

Joker stepped into Shepard's quarters and almost broke down. He'd come to get his things while Shepard was off the ship, he wasn't sure he could face her, wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she'd tell him. The fish tank glowed blue, the colours of the fish catching his eye and he remembered how happy she was when he bought them for her. He turned away as pain stabbed through his chest, his eyes coming to rest on the model of the SR-1 he bought for her and how they'd laughed as they put it together. He closed his eyes and swallowed back a sob. The happiest times of his life were here in this room. As he stepped up to the bed he couldn't hold back. His collapsed to his knees as his heart grieved for something that was no longer his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'll say here is bear with me and don't hate me. ;p


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken a bit of leeway with Omega, couldn't find a floor plan anywhere.

 

* * *

_If I seem edgy I want you to know_   
_That I never mean to take it out on you_   
_Life has its problems and I get my share_   
_And that's one thing I never meant to do_   
_Because I love you_

  
_Oh, Oh baby don't you know I'm human_   
_Have thoughts like any other one_   
_Sometimes I find myself long regretting_   
_Some foolish thing some little simple thing I've done_   
_But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good_   
_Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood_

_**The Animals - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood.** _

* * *

 

**** 25 ****

'Shepard, wake up!'

The voice was insistent. Shepard groaned and rolled over but hands shook her roughly. Joker, but he usually woke her up a little more gently.

'Shepard, you need to wake up.'

She knew that voice, not Joker, Miranda. She took a deep breath and forced her eyes open. There was a blurry figure leaning over her and she assumed it was Miranda. She rubbed her eyes, blinked and slowly her vision cleared.

'Shepard, what have you done?'

'What?' Her senses were a little slower to return. 'I've been asleep.' She sat up groggily, fighting to get her mind working.

She remembered coming back from Haestrom exhausted, remembered ordering Joker to set course for Omega. Wait, Joker hadn't been there, why? She'd asked EDI to tell him. She'd settled Tali in engineering, came up and had a shower and put her head down for five minutes. She'd promised herself she'd speak to Joker, it felt like forever since she'd seen him and she missed him. She'd put it off long enough. She glanced at the clock, she'd been asleep for almost eight hours. She sensed that the ship wasn't moving, which meant they were docked at Omega.

'What have you done?' Miranda asked again.

'Shepard,' Chakwas stormed into the room. 'You promised, Shepard!' The woman was almost in tears and Shepard pushed herself out of bed.

'Commander Shepard, due to your actions you have lowered the success rate of this mission, I now believe it will fail.' EDI's blue orb appeared and Shepard thought she sounded upset, angry. _When did I start thinking of the AI as a she?_

'What's going on?' She got to her feet and stretched and then something hit her. She glanced around, her mind quickly clearing. All Joker's stuff was gone. None of his shirts were hanging off the arm of the sofa, there were no socks on the floor.

'You promised you wouldn't break his heart,' Chakwas had a quiver in her voice and Shepard looked up at her.

'What are you talking about?'

'You don't know,' Miranda shook her head and laughed. 'After everything you did to protect your relationship and you successfully destroyed it alone.'

'I don't…..'

'Joker's gone, Shepard.' Chakwas clarified.

'What?' Shepard legs failed her and she dropped to the bed. Her stomach churned and she retched but there was nothing in her stomach to bring up. _What had she done? What had her cowardice done?_

'Mr Moreau left as soon as we were safely docked,' EDI added and Shepard felt the world drop out from under her.

'Why?' She struggled to get the word out. Her chest was being torn apart and pain like nothing she'd ever felt before ripped through her. _Why? Why hadn't she spoken to him sooner instead of avoiding him?_

She thought back over the last few days. Ever since she'd read that damn message. It had haunted her and the thought that she had to tell Joker had terrified her. She'd needed time, she needed to deal with her own fears so she could tell him the right way. He'd tried to speak to her but she'd been afraid of saying the wrong thing so she'd run away, she hadn't been ready.

'I believe Mr Moreau left a message on your omnitool.' EDI sounded miserable and Shepard glanced up at her before retrieving her omintool from the bedside table.

'Shepard,' Joker appeared on her screen, his eyes red and swollen, his skin pale and drawn. He looked terrible and she realised it was her fault. What had she done?

'I'm sorry for whatever I did to hurt you, or disappoint you or let you down. I don't know what I did and you wouldn't tell me. If I knew I could have at least tried to fix it.' He looked down and buried his head under his cap but she saw him tremble. 'I'm sorry you felt you couldn't talk to me, for five days Shepard, you could have at least let me know it was over between us.' He sobbed and the recording paused.

_Oh God! No!_ Shepard realised just what she'd done. _Five days? Five days! It wasn't that long! It couldn't have been that long. What was he supposed to think?_

'You know,' he sounded angry now and he looked up to face her, 'I could have dealt with it if you'd been honest with me but ignoring me and locking yourself away with Thane. That was cruel, Shepard. I never thought of you as cruel. I guess Thane can give you what you need, what I couldn't. I thought I could stay, be your friend, but I can't stay and watch you with someone else. You can't expect that of me.' He dropped his head again and he brushed his face with his hands. 'I hope you and Thane are happy, Shepard. Stay safe. I love you.' He sobbed as he shut down the recording.

_Fuck!_ The room around her spun as her mind fought the pain and turmoil. He thought she was with Thane. _Shit! Shit! Shit! How could she have been so stupid?_ She gasped for breath as she collapsed to the floor.

'Where?' She croaked, her voice refusing to work. She looked up at Miranda and Chakwas. 'Where is he?'

'We don't know, Shepard, we were hoping you might know where he'd go.' Chakwas helped her to her feet. 'Shepard, he's on Omega, alone.' The doctor's hands were trembling and Shepard's own fear took hold.

_Omega. Alone. He could already be dead in an alley somewhere._ She fought down panic. 'No, I….' she looked around in confusion. 'EDI, you can track his omnitool.' She looked up in hope.

'No, Shepard, I cannot.'

'Why not, I know you have tracers on our tools,' she ignored the frown from Miranda, 'please, EDI.'

'I cannot Shepard, his omnitool is on your desk.'

'No….' Shepard wanted the pain to go away, she wanted to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers. There had to be a way. 'EDI, there has to be some way…..'

'Shepard, what's going on?' Garrus and Kasumi stood in the doorway. 'Is it true, Joker has left?'

Shepard could only nod, words wouldn't come. 'Help me, please,' it came out as a rough whisper, she couldn't think, couldn't focus.

'Shepard, what happened,' Garrus was across the room in two strides, gripping her shoulders.

'I was afraid,' she sobbed. 'I was afraid and I couldn't tell him. I couldn't cause him pain.'

'I think you've done worse than that,' Miranda scoffed and Chakwas glared at her.

'Afraid of what, Shepard,' Garrus ignored everyone around him.

'The Normandy, the first one. We have to go back, I knew that would hurt him. I panicked, thought if I didn't speak to him for while I could find a way to tell him.' She looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears and her hands shaking. 'I was a coward and I waited too long.' She clung to his arms, shaking, crying. Commander Shepard the warrior was long gone, all that was left was a woman whose heart was breaking.

'Oh, Shepard,' Chakwas sighed, 'you haven't given him enough credit, he would have dealt with it.'

'I know that,' Shepard admitted, 'now I know, it was my fear that held me back, I was afraid to go back, to witness where I died.' _Omega._ _Please don't let him be dead._

'Shepard,' EDI interrupted, 'I've found him. He just purchased passage on a freighter to Tiptree, he's going home.'

'Where,' Shepard stood up hurriedly. _He was alive._

'Docking bay S5, the ship leaves in twenty minutes.'

'You'll never make it, Shepard,' Miranda handed her the fatigues from the floor and watched as she dressed, it was clear to her now that if they didn't get Moreau back Shepard would give up, she'd have nothing to fight for. The Illusive Man be damned, they needed Shepard at her best. 'It's on the lower level docks, you'll need at least fifteen minutes to make it to the nearest transport stop and at least another ten to the docks on foot.'

'There has to be a way,' Chakwas looked from one to the other.

'I can get you there quicker,' Kasumi grabbed Shepard's hand and dragged her to the elevator. 'As long as you can take a high speed ride.'

'Just get me there, please,' Shepard pleaded. She was finding it hard to breathe, her heart was racing as adrenaline cursed through her system.

Kasumi grabbed the nearest transport once they were off the ship and headed straight for the central hub of Omega. Garrus had followed them and he guessed where she was heading. The maintenance shafts. There were high speed elevators there, it would take roughly twelve minutes in a direct freefall but the safeties would have to be overwritten. Then they'd have to hope for a transport for the five minute ride to the docks. He glanced at Kasumi who nodded as if reading his thoughts. It would be close.

Shepard followed Kasumi without a word, running as if her life depended upon it. Actually it did. If she lost Joker she had no one to fight for, to live for. She fought back sobs as she ran, she'd been stupid and now it could cost her the most important thing she'd ever had. _Please, Jeff, please, don't go. Please._ It was a silent plea, a prayer and she hoped with every fibre of her being that he heard her. She could fix this, she could, as long as he was around for her to do it. She almost crashed into Kasumi who had stopped before an elevator and was working frantically on her omnitool.

'We'll get to him, Shepard,' Garrus placed his hand on her shoulder and she looked at him through red swollen eyes.

'EDI,' Shepard suddenly had a thought. 'Can you stop the ship from leaving?'

'I can try,' EDI came back, 'I will do what I can.'

'Thank you,' Shepard hung on to the hope.

'Let's go,' Kasumi led them into the small elevator. It was cramped, Garrus was armoured and carrying his weapons so he took up a lot of room. 'This will be fast,' Kasumi warned as she hacked the controls.

'Just do it,' Shepard nodded as she grabbed the security rail for balance.

'Here we go,' Kasumi flicked a switch and the floor fell away beneath them for a second before they caught up.

Shepard felt her stomach flip as the elevator fell down the shaft, picking up speed. Five minutes passed and they were still falling. Kasumi flashed up her omnitool and Shepard felt the elevator start to slow. Eleven minutes and they almost fell out of the door before it was completely open. Shepard looked around for a transport but there were none. Her heart was breaking as she realised they wouldn't make it. She dropped to her knees, dreading the thought of going on without him.

'Shepard!' Kasumi brought her out of her thoughts, 'over here.' She'd found a transport and was overriding the safeties to get extra speed.

Shepard watched Omega fly by beneath them as they hurried to the docks. They weren't going to make it. But she had to try. She was out the door before Kasumi had landed, running like she'd never run before.

'EDI, which way,' she gasped and EDI brought up a directional arrow on her omnitool. Two minutes. Two minutes before she lost him for good.

Shepard reached the dock in time to see the freighter pulling away. 'No!' She came to a crashing halt at the airlock, her hand clawing at the window as she watched the ship disappear into FTL. 'No,' she sobbed as she collapsed to the ground, curled up against the door.

That was how Garrus and Kasumi found her, lying against the door sobbing. They were both gasping for breath and took a moment to gather their strength. Garrus knew getting Shepard back to the Normandy wasn't going to be easy. He watched as she knocked her head against the metal of the door, her fingers splayed out, her legs folded beneath her. Her sobs were heartbreaking to witness.

'No,' she moaned. 'No, Jeff, I love you.' She raised her head, 'I'm sorry.' She yelled the last, as if her words would carry to the long gone ship.

'Shepard?' Garrus and Kasumi spun at the sound and they gaped in surprise before grinning like idiots. Shepard hadn't heard him. 'Shepard?' Louder this time, and this time she heard him.

'Joker!' She sobbed and looked at him in disbelief. 'I thought you were gone.' She tried to stand but her legs gave out so she scrambled across the room.

'Not yet, changed my flight. Couldn't go home, too many questions.' He slowly got to his feet. 'What are you doing here?'

Shepard didn't get to answer as Joker stumbled forward and crashed to the floor.

* * *

Everyone on the dock avoided the dishevelled, despondent man tucked into the corner of the boarding room. There was an aura around him that made others give him a wide berth. Joker didn't notice. He sat and stared at the floor, he'd booked passage but he couldn't go home. He couldn't face his family, their pity. He changed his flight at the last minute for one to the Citadel, he could disappear from there, maybe go back to Mars, get his old job back.

If he was honest he didn't care, leave or stay right where he was, what did it matter. The fact that he was on Omega, the hub of everything bad, didn't even enter into his thoughts. He didn't know where he wanted to go only that he needed to go. Leaving the Normandy had been the hardest thing he'd ever done. With everything he'd gone through in his life he'd never felt pain like he had walking out of the airlock. Even the pain in his legs from the trip to the dock was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.

He sat in the corner, slouched over his knees his face buried in his hands. The tears had stopped a while ago but the pain only got worse. And he still didn't know why, what he'd done. His throat tightened and as much as he'd cried he felt tears building again. He'd never felt so alone, so abandoned. Everyone and everything he loved had been on the Normandy. How could he go on from that? He could go back, deal with the pain. He scoffed silently, how was he supposed to do that?

He heard the doors close and the ship undock and knew he had another hour to wait for his ride. The sound of his name made him look up and his eyes widened in surprise. He watched as Shepard sobbed and called out. She thought he'd left. But why? She'd made it obvious she didn't want him, ignored him and avoided him. So why was she here? Understanding suddenly dawned, she needed a pilot and Miranda probably couldn't get one here any time soon. He couldn't do it, couldn't go back and watch her be happy with someone else. She had to understand that.

'Shepard?' He called softly, his voice hoarse and his throat dry. She hadn't heard him. He swallowed hard. 'Shepard?'

She raised her head at the sound of his voice and the pain and anguish on her face only made his suffering worse. Her eyes were red and swollen and she struggled to get to her feet but failed so she scrambled across the floor towards him.

'Joker!' She looked at him in disbelief. 'I thought you were gone.'

'Not yet, changed my flight. Couldn't go home, too many questions.' He slowly got to his feet. 'What are you doing here?'

She opened her mouth to answer but the only thing Joker saw was the floor coming up to greet him.


	26. Chapter 26

**** 26 ****

Joker slowly opened his eyes to the familiar dull grey of the Normandy medbay. They'd brought him back. Now he had to go through the pain of leaving all over again. A cry caught in his throat, he didn't know if he had the strength to do it twice.

'Jeff,' he turned to see Dr Chakwas standing beside his bed, her eyes moist. 'You had us worried for a while.'

'Hey, doc,' he moved to sit up but she stopped him. 'Can't make it easy for you.'

'A truer word was never said. What the hell did you think you were doing?' She checked him over with her scanner. 'When was the last time you ate?'

'A few days ago,' he shrugged and was surprised how much it hurt. 'What's the damage?'

'You're lucky, Garrus caught you before you hit the deck. You might have a few bruises but nothing's broken. You've been unconscious for several hours while we got some fluids and nutrients into you.' She propped herself on the edge of the bed, 'talk to me, Jeff. What were you thinking?'

'I couldn't stay and watch her with someone else,' he dropped his gaze to his hands. 'She can't expect me to do that.'

'I would never ask that of you,' Shepard stood in the doorway. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks, her eyes were still red and she sounded broken.

'Shepard,' Chakwas frowned at her, 'you're supposed to be resting, I let you out on that condition.'

'Sorry, doc, need to clear things up before I can sleep, I promise I'll go straight back to bed.' She was almost pleading so Chakwas sighed and nodded.

He watched her walk towards him, his heart aching, his hands itching to touch her. He sighed deeply and forced himself to ignore the pain and longing. He didn't notice Chakwas moving away, his gaze was trapped by the woman he loved, the woman he'd had and lost.

'I can't stay, Shepard. I can't watch you and Thane, it would kill me.' He looked at her through tired eyes. _I can't be near you and not have you, not be able to love you._

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' her words hitched in her throat and he watched as her eyes filled with tears. 'I was afraid and I let it control me.' She moved to the side of his bed and reached out to touch his hand but he flinched and she pulled back. 'I'm so sorry I hurt you, I never meant to. Time got away from me, I didn't realise. I was going to come and talk to you but I left it too late. I made a stupid mistake and I almost lost you.' Tears ran down her cheeks and she wiped them away.

'What about Thane?' It hurt to ask but he had to know.

'I'm not interested in Thane,' she looked him in the eye. 'There is no-one else for me but you, Jeff, there never will be. I only hope I haven't destroyed what we had.'

'So why were you spending so much time with him and avoiding me? What was I supposed to think, Shepard?' His heart raced as he started to realise that he'd misunderstood but his stomach churned as he knew how close he'd come to losing everything.

'I know, I can only say I'm sorry,' her eyes pleaded with him. 'Thane was teaching me to meditate, to gain some peace so I could get over my fear.'

'You could have come to me, Shepard.' He choked back a sob and looked away. _I thought you trusted me, believed in me, in us._

She gasped at the pain in his voice, 'Jeff, please,' she was fidgeting, nervous and he knew he would forgive her, he couldn't do anything else. But the hurt was still fresh, an open wound that needed cauterising.

'Why, Shepard? Everything was fine and then it wasn't. Why?' He sighed and dropped his head back onto the pillow. He was tired and it must have shown.

'I'm sorry, I'll let you get some rest.' She went to walk away.

'So you'll run away again, avoid me.' He raised his head to look at her.

'I didn't want to cause you pain, hurt you.'

'Well that worked out well,' he scoffed.

'Yeah,' she sighed and moved back to the bed, her hand resting on the sheet close to his. 'I'm not good at this relationship stuff,' she groaned and looked down at the bed, 'I got a message from Hackett, he wants me to go the SR-1 crash site to place a monument and find some missing dog tags.' She watched as he tensed and she could see the pain flashing across his face. 'I didn't want to tell you, I knew it would stir memories you've tried to forget. I was afraid, I didn't know if I could face the place where the SR-1 was destroyed, where I died, if you could without hating me for making you do it.'

'Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm a big boy, Shepard. You could have talked to me about it.' He shook his head, 'I think that's how this relationship stuff is supposed to work.' _He was an idiot, he should have made her talk to him, should have been more aware of her pain and not just his own. Yep, he was an idiot._

'I know that now,' she grimaced and he had to fight back a smile. 'I'm sorry I doubted you, didn't give you credit for coping with it. I know you're stronger than that. I was the weak one. I was afraid.'

Joker knew just how hard that was for her to admit, he could see the pain in her eyes, the trembling in her hands. He reached out and took her hand in his and she looked at him wide eyed. _Oh, Ari, don't you realise how much I love you?_ With a tired smile he pulled her in close and she eagerly wrapped her arms around him. He buried his nose in her hair and his heart softened, slowly healing.

'Does this mean you forgive me?'

'For being stupid,' he urged her up on to the bed. 'Promise me you'll never do anything like this again, that you'll come to me no matter what the problem. I love you more than life itself. The thought of being without you again killed me. I didn't want to live.'

'I know,' she snuggled into his chest with a relieved sigh. 'The thought that I'd lost you was unbearable. I've never felt pain like that before and I never want to feel it again. I promise not to shut you out again.'

'Of course you'll have to do penance,' he smiled into her hair.

'And I suppose you have something in mind,' she grinned and he chuckled.

'Most definitely.' He closed his eyes and felt her relax against him. 'We can do this, Ari, together.' He sighed softly as his head rested against hers.

Dr Chakwas glanced across from her desk and smiled at the sight of them both asleep. Everything was as it should be, thank goodness.

* * *

The next time Joker opened his eyes he found himself looking at the ceiling of Shepard's quarters. A feeling he knew all too well told him he'd been sedated, he'd obviously been moved from medbay so he assumed that was why. He felt warmth beside him and looked across to see Shepard curled up against him. Slowly he moved, he felt like he'd gone ten rounds with a Krogan but he wrapped his arm around her and she snuggled closer, still asleep. He'd come so close to losing her, all because he had been an idiot and not realised that she'd closed herself off. He should have seen it, it was her defence mechanism. He mentally slapped himself around the head, then did it again for good measure.

He buried his face in her hair and thanked all the deities he could think of for letting him have her back, not that he believed in that stuff, but just in case. He breathed in the scent of her, cherished the feel of her in his arms, the warmth of her body next to his. Never again, he never wanted to go through that again. He settled himself against her, holding tight, never wanting to let go.

'I love you,' he whispered into her hair as he closed his eyes and surrendered to sleep.

It was sometime later when he awoke to the feeling he was being watched. He opened his eyes to find Shepard resting on her elbow looking down at him, her fingers resting gently on his cheek, her eyes moist with tears.

'Hey you,' he whispered sleepily, took her hand in his and kissed her palm tenderly.

'Hey yourself,' she turned his hand over and copied his movement.

'What's wrong?' He rolled onto his hip so he could see her clearly, his arm still around her back as he cupped her face in his other hand.

'I love you,' she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

'And that's wrong,' he raised an eyebrow at her.

'No,' she chuckled, 'that's the only thing in this world that's not.' She kissed him lightly before meeting his eyes. 'I guess I only truly realised how much when I almost lost you.' She trembled as tears threatened so he pulled her into his chest and wrapped her tightly in his arms.

'We were both idiots,' he sighed and kissed the top of her head. 'I promise right now that I will not let it happen again, even if I have to tie you to a chair to make you talk.'

'I didn't realise you were into kinky,' she giggled and he gave her a playful slap on the ass.

'I'm being serious here, it doesn't happen very often so let me have my moment.'

'Yes, sir,' she snuggled into his chest with a laugh.

'Seriously, Ari, you know you can come to me, right?'

'Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking,' she drew lazy circles on his chest as she spoke and he knew if she kept it up they wouldn't be talking for very long, there were things that needed to be said so he took her hand in his. 'I panicked, it just threw me and didn't know what to do. Great isn't it, Commander Shepard downed by an email. Wonder if that will make the history books.'

'Hey,' he lifted her face so he could look at her, 'I've told you before, you're only human, yeah you're close to being super human but you still have a heart and mind that has to deal with this shit.'

She rolled her eyes at him, 'super human, really?'

'Well you can whoop my ass,' he grinned at her, 'so that makes you super human in my book. Not to mention that you head butt Krogans, take down Collectors and generally make people scared of you.'

'But you're already fragile so that's not fair and I don't make people scared of me.'

'And I've noticed that you've changed the subject.' He chuckled as she shrugged. 'Not getting out of it that easy. Shep….. Ari, I need to know you won't shut me out again. I need to know that you can talk to me, come to me, no matter what.'

'I promise to do my best to try,' she sighed and he knew that was the best he would get. 'I told you I'm not good at relationships, I haven't had a lot of practice.'

'Neither have I but I'm working on it.'

'I have a request though,' she grinned at him, 'will you kiss me now.'

'Damn right I will,' he grinned back, closing his eyes as he narrowed the gap between them.

The softness of her lips, the taste of her, the warmth of her sent him into a state of euphoria unlike anything he'd ever felt before. It was like their first kiss all over again and he cherished it, revelled in it and allowed his heart to soar. He'd never wanted anything in his life as much as he wanted to stay in that moment forever. She moaned softly against his lips and he knew she felt the same way. It was a perfect kiss, a perfect moment, it would stay in his memory as long as he lived.

'Commander,' EDI sounded apologetic for interrupting.

Slowly they parted, the passion in their eyes matching the passion in their kiss. Their eyes locked, fingers softly brushed cheeks, hearts beat as one and the love they felt was overwhelming. It took their breath away, made them both gasp at the strength of it.

'Commander?'

'Yes, EDI,' Shepard replied softly, her eyes never leaving his.

'I apologise for intruding but Dr Chakwas is asking for permission to enter.'

'Let her in, EDI,' she brushed his lips softly before propping herself up on the pillows.

Joker stayed right where he was. Things would be clearly obvious if he rolled onto his back and even though Chakwas was his doctor there were some things that she didn't need to see. He linked his fingers with Shepard's as the door opened to allow entry.

'Shepard, Jeff,' Chakwas looked at the two of them from the upper level of Shepard's quarters and a smile broke out as she approached the bed. 'Well, you both look better.'

'Hey doc,' Joker almost sounded sheepish and Chakwas laughed at him.

'Doctor, what's the prognosis,' Shepard chuckled.

'That you two are the most thick headed, stubborn people I have ever met.' There was warmth and caring in her voice and the two of them grinned at her. 'If either of you ever let yourselves get into that state again I will declare you both insane and have you committed, is that clear.'

'Yes, ma'am,' they said together.

'Joker, really, not eating for nearly five days then walking so far, it's no wonder you collapsed. Not to mention not sleeping for just as long. And you Shepard, I know you have deprivation training but that was too much even for you.' She shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed, running her omnitool over both of them.

'So you knocked us out?' Shepard tried to look serious but failed, she was happier than she'd been in a while and she couldn't hide it.

'Yes I did,' Chakwas checked her readings, 'and I'd do it again without hesitation.' She looked from one to the other and shook her head, 'well, you both appear to be almost back to normal. I will have someone bring you up a tray and you'd better eat everything on it and I expect to see you in the mess for every meal, is that understood.'

'Yes doctor,' Joker chuckled. 'How long were we out?'

'Two days,' she grinned and shook her head. 'Miranda is not happy, she's been trying to control the crew but some of them have been giving her a headache.'

'Guess we'd better get back to work,' Shepard sighed and gently squeezed Joker's fingers.

'I haven't cleared you to return to duty yet,' Chakwas reminded her. 'I think we can spare one more day, you can't fight Collectors if you're exhausted.'

'What about docking fees, we're on Omega so they're not cheap.'

'Funny you should mention that, Liara paid for it all and organised a stock delivery,' she laughed and added, 'that definitely didn't make Miranda happy, especially when she found out Garrus had let Liara know what was going on.'

Joker laughed, 'and what did TIM think of that?'

'I don't think he's happy either, Miranda has been in the briefing room several times.'

'Thanks doc,' Shepard reached out and pulled her in for a hug. 'I'm glad you're here.'

'Me too,' Joker sat up and joined in the hug, laughing as the two favourite women in his life fell against him.

'Okay, that's my cue to leave,' Chakwas laughed and stood up. 'I'll get a tray sent up.' She moved towards the door, 'and don't think I won't carry through on my threat if you don't take better care of yourselves.'

Joker watched the door close and looked at Shepard who had wriggled down beside him. 'So, have any idea how we'll pass the time,' he grinned as she ran her hand down his chest and onto his hip.

'I'm sure we'll think of something,' she gripped him harder and pulled him towards her. 'I have lots of movies to catch up on,' she chuckled as he scowled at her.

'Ari, you are an evil woman,' he was still grinning as he found her lips with his.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: Anyone who hasn't played the Normandy Wreck DLC be warned, spoilers ahead.

 

**** 27 ****

Joker sat in his chair staring at the ice planet below them. Alchera. He never thought he would be back here, back where he lost the most important person in the world to him. It was a barren, desolate planet, cold and uninviting. Of all the planets they'd been to, out of everything they'd done, narrow escapes they'd had, this planet haunted him, gave him nightmares.

There was a sombre mood on board and even though the crew hadn't gone through the destruction of the SR-1 they still seemed to feel her loss. Out of respect for him and Shepard they observed a minute of silence as they slipped into orbit. Only Miranda voiced her objections about a Cerberus ship carrying out an Alliance request. When she'd received death stares from former Alliance crew, Jacob included, she'd shut up and locked herself in her quarters.

'Joker?' A hand gently came to rest on his shoulder

He'd been so engrossed in his thoughts he hadn't heard Shepard come up behind him. 'Yeah, I'm good.' He spun to face her, she was suited up and ready to go. 'Why now?'

'What?'

'Why after two years is the Alliance sending you to retrieve dog tags and place a monument?'

'I don't know, maybe they're testing me, seeing if I'm the real me. Maybe they thought it might give me some closure.' She shrugged, 'it doesn't matter why, I'm doing this for the people we lost, making sure they get the recognition they deserve and their families get closure.' She knelt down and took his hands, 'I'm doing this for us, to put it behind us.'

He pulled himself to his feet and cupped her face in his hands before kissing her gently. 'I'll prep the shuttle.' He went to walk past her but she stopped him.

'No, Jeff, I need you to stay here.'

'What? Why? I should go with you.' A frown creased his brow as she brushed the side of his face with her fingers.

'I need to know you are up here keeping the ship safe, that you will be there to come and get me if….' She couldn't finish the sentence and he didn't need her too. He knew what she was thinking. 'I'll be fine alone.'

'No,' it was his turn to be insistent. 'Please, Ari, don't go alone. Take Garrus or Kasumi with you, do that for me.' She opened her mouth to speak but he stopped her with a kiss. 'Please, they don't have to get out of the shuttle but you shouldn't be alone down there.'

She nodded and sighed, 'I'll take Garrus, just for you.' She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him before turning and walking away.

'Shepard,' she stopped but didn't turn around, 'leave your helmet camera on.' She nodded and continued walking.

Joker slid back into his seat, glancing out at the planet before running a systems check. He needed to be ready, just in case. The indicator for the bay doors illuminated and he couldn't stop the shiver that passed through him. He hated this place, he hated the Alliance for making her do this. When they'd docked with the cargo ship that delivered the monument he'd wanted to give someone a piece of his mind, but the crew wasn't responsible, they didn't deserve that. He'd thought about contacting Anderson, he'd always listened, but what would he say, what could he say. Maybe Shepard was right, they needed to do this.

'Joker, you okay?' Kasumi slipped quietly into the co-pilot's chair.

'Yeah, just peachy,' he grimaced as he brought up the feed from Shepard's suit. Her heart rate was elevated and he was pretty sure she'd be trembling. He knew he was.

'Joker,' Dr Chakwas walked up behind him.

'I'm okay, doc, don't need to come and check on me.'

'I wasn't,' she spoke softly and he glanced up at her. She was pale and her eyes were moist. 'You okay, doc?'

'Yes, just wanted to get a look,' she stared out the window.

Joker realised he wasn't the only one with memories of this place. As Tali came onto the bridge he understood that he and Shepard weren't the only ones who needed closure. He jumped as EDI popped up alongside him but didn't say a word, it was almost as if she was giving the moment the respect it deserved.

'EDI, anything on long range scanners?' He needed to be sure, to keep checking.

'Nothing, Mr Moreau,' there was a soft tone to her speech and he wondered just how aware she really was.

Shepard's shuttle touched down and the feed from her camera came on line. There was a collective gasp as the snowy world of Alchera appeared in all its coldness and the first thing they saw was the body of the SR-1, Normandy still clear and uncovered on the hull. Joker was thankful he wasn't alone, that he couldn't slip into memory. Chakwas placed her hand on his shoulder as if she knew what he was thinking and he was grateful for the warmth.

* * *

Shepard stepped out of the shuttle and memory hit her in the face. The hull of the Normandy filled her vision and she gasped. She remembered the moment she'd first seen her, sleek and sexy, unlike any other ship and she'd loved her from the moment she stepped foot on board. She was something special, unique and Shepard had been proud to serve on her.

She felt Garrus behind her, 'I'm fine, Garrus, wait here.'

'Okay, but I'm here if you need me.' He sat down on the step of the shuttle and watched her walk towards the front section, his own memories tugging at him.

Shepard entered what remained of the bow, the bridge. Memories of the first time she saw Joker, the nights she'd sat with him, silently enjoying the company. She gripped the back of the ruined chair as an image of dragging him to the lifepod threatened to overwhelm her. She took a deep breath and pulled herself up, he was alive and so was she. That was all that mattered. Something shiny caught her eye as she turned to leave and she picked up a set of dog tags. The name wasn't familiar and she regretted not getting to know the crew better. She wrapped the chain around her wrist and continued her exploration.

She wandered over to where the Mako sat like a statue, a monument in itself to the things they'd done. She remembered driving over a mountain, scaring the pants of her ground crew as they took flight in a vehicle that really was a brick to handle. She ran her hands along its sides, a silent salute to the vehicle that had taken her on so many missions and brought her back safely, even with her driving skills. She missed it and for a moment contemplated having it dug out and taking it with her. But it belonged here, with the rest of the SR-1.

The Galaxy map was nothing but a tangle of wires and bent metal, like some sort of surreal sculpture glazed in white. Shepard remembered how many times she'd stood and marvelled at the technology that was the Galaxy map, simply picked a spot and away they'd go. She noticed something lying in the snow and picked up a datapad. Pressly, he'd been old school and hadn't been happy when she'd brought aliens on board. She was glad when he'd come around to accepting them and after reading his notes she knew it hadn't purely been for her benefit. He'd been one of the first to die.

She slipped the datapad inside her armour and continued on. The sleeper pods, the mess hall, every step awoke a memory, a painful memory and tears burned her eyes. The armoury, Ash, the first to be sacrificed, to die by her command. She gulped down the bile that threatened and sucked in a breath, fighting back the tears. One by one she collected the dog tags and then something caught her eye. She was puzzling over what it was as she neared it and suddenly it was clear. She gasped, her heart pounded and she could feel her legs giving out.

'Shepard,' she heard Joker in her ear but couldn't get her voice to work. 'Ari, talk to me, babe.' There was no formality, only the words of a man concerned for the woman he loved.

She could hear the beginnings of panic in his voice and it forced her into movement. She swallowed hard, 'I'm okay,' she knew it wasn't convincing so she tried again. 'I'm fine.'

'I'm not convinced,' Joker tried to keep his tone light but the underlying fear and doubt came through.

'Neither am I,' she managed a smirk and even though he couldn't see it he sensed it. She stepped forward and crouched down. 'Can you see this?'

Joker tried to stop the shaking in his hands and the racing of his heart as he looked at Shepard's camera feed.

'Keelah,' he heard Tali whisper.

'My god!' Chakwas gasped.

 _Fuck!_ Joker croaked, 'yeah, we see it.' He stared in disbelief as Shepard picked up her old helmet, beaten and burned but still intact. His breath hitched in his throat as she lifted it up to look inside, he was relieved to see it was empty. He half expected to see part of Shepard's head still there, like some bad horror vid.

Shepard dropped onto her knees and Joker could hear her ragged breathing in his earpiece. It sounded like she was gagging and the last thing she needed was to choke on her own vomit in her helmet.

'Ari, talk to me,' he forced himself to sound calm but his stomach was churning. 'Please, babe.'

'Jeff,' there was a soft sob but the gagging had stopped. 'I really died here,' there was defeat in her voice and he felt panic taking hold.

'Shepard, you're alive now, you're still you and I love you, do you understand that?' Joker was really worried now and he opened up the com so Garrus could listen in.

'How? What gave them the right to play god?'

'Ari, I need you to focus, please, for me, babe. How many dog tags have you collected?'

'Why me, why am I so special? They should have left me here.' The vision from her feed went dark and Joker was afraid she'd turned her camera off but he realised she was holding the helmet to her head, blocking their view.

'Shepard, how many dog tags do you have?' Joker persevered, he had to, he had to bring her back. 'Remember you were collecting the tags for their families, you are down there for them, for us. Please, Ari, talk to me.'

'Shepard,' Garrus was moving towards her and Joker knew he owed the Turian a beer.

'I'm okay,' Shepard took a deep, shuddering breath and the vision from her camera feed returned. 'I'm missing four, I'll find them.' She looked up and turned, Garrus appeared, walking towards her, but she waved him back. 'I'm okay.' Her voice was stronger now so Garrus stopped. 'I'm okay,' she repeated and stood up.

Joker sighed and he felt Kasumi take his hand. He glanced over and nodded and she released her hold. He turned back to the camera feed and watched as Shepard continued her search.

Shepard was still missing tags and she spun around, looking for anything shiny. She'd had enough, all she wanted to do was leave. Nothing caught her eye so she headed back to the shuttle and set about placing the monument. She set it before the main fuselage, right underneath the word 'Normandy', where she felt it was fitting. She stood for a moment, in memory, in remembrance, paying homage to those who gave their life to follow her.

No one got left behind, she'd always believed that so she continued searching. She finally noticed the crates, with a quick shot from her pistol they disintegrated and she found the tags she was searching for underneath. It occurred to her that there were no bodies, no remains left behind, why was that?  She couldn't explain it.  With a relieved sigh she climbed aboard the shuttle.

'Let's go home, Garrus,' she settled herself in the rear seat and dropped her head back against the bulkhead.

* * *

Joker followed the shuttle's progress and once it was in the bay he set the Normandy in motion, the bridge was empty again and he was glad of the privacy as his hands shook. He had no idea where he was going just away from here. They were safe, alive and he wanted them to stay that way.

As big as space was it suddenly felt extremely small, it was closing in around him, squeezing, sucking the life out of him. His chest tightened and he struggled to breathe, he gasped and the edges of his vision darkened as his heart raced. He was trying to force air into his lung so badly it hurt, he was sure his ribs were cracking. _Is this what it's like to die?_ His white knuckled grip on the arms of his chair suddenly disappeared as his hands were grasped firmly and his chair turned.

'Joker,' he looked up into the moist eyes of Shepard and tried to speak but his throat was closed, he was choking. 'Jeff,' she knelt before him and gently cupped his face in her hands. 'I'm here, we're safe.' She leaned in and kissed him lightly before pulling him towards her and wrapping him in her arms. 'It's okay.'

Joker held on tight, she was his lifeline. He buried his nose in her hair and held her so hard she gasped for breath. She'd removed her armour and was dressed only in her undersuit, but she was cold, so cold. He was able to breathe again and his chest gradually relaxed as he rubbed his hands up and down Shepard's back.

'You're cold,' he commented, purely for something to say.

'I wanted to make sure you were okay, I'm looking forward to a hot shower,' Shepard pulled back and met his eyes. 'Are you all right?'

He nodded and sucked in a breath, his chest was sore and he winced. 'I'm fine. You should go and get warm.'

'Are you sure or do you want me to get the doc?' She searched his face, relieved to see colour returning and the tenseness in his body lessening.

'No, I'm fine.' He lied and she knew it.

She smiled and climbed onto his lap gently, resting her head in the hollow of his shoulder. She felt him sigh as he turned his chair back to his console, his arms holding her tight, his lips kissing her hair.

'Where are we going?' He asked softly, relishing the feel of her the scent of her.

'Better head for Aeia, Jacob needs to go there.'

Joker set their course, made sure everything was as it should be and wrapped his arms around her again. He was leaving Alchera for the second time in his life, but this time he was leaving with the woman he loved in his arms, this time she was alive.


	28. Chapter 28

 

**** 28 ****

Joker found Jacob in the gym, from the look of him he'd been there for some time. He glanced out through the open hangar doors, the survivors of the Hugo Gernsback were being looked after by Chakwas and Miranda. _So, the ice queen has a heart_. She'd objected when Shepard told him to find somewhere to land so they could help the survivors until the Alliance arrived, the tone in Shepard's voice had made it clear Miranda needed to shut up.

Joker wandered over to Jacob and sat on a crate, watching as he pushed himself to his limits, it was obvious the man was exhausted, physically and emotionally. It had to be hard to find your father after so many years and even harder to deal with what he'd done to the crew of his ship.

'Hey, Jacob,' Joker spoke quietly and Jacob nodded in acknowledgement. 'Are you okay?'

'I've been better,' he grunted as he completed a series of crunches.

'Do you need an ear?'

'No, I'll get over it,' he wasn't the least bit convincing so Joker made himself more comfortable and waited. 'How can one human do that to another?' Jacob stood up and picked up a pair of dumbbells. 'How can he justify any of this, treating the women like property, like whores, killing the crew, the lies.' He dropped the dumbbells and sat on a bench, his elbows on his knees, his shoulders hunched and his head in his hands.

'I don't know,' Joker knew it wasn't helpful but what did you say to someone who had just had the image of their parent destroyed, discovered that his father was not the man he knew.

'I wanted to kill him,' Jacob scrubbed his face with his hands and looked up at Joker with pain in his eyes. 'My father and I wanted to kill him so badly. What kind of father puts their son in that position? What kind of father doesn't do everything he can to get back to his family? Everything I thought I knew was a lie.' He stood up and started pacing. 'Damn Miranda for passing on the information, I'd rather not know how much of a bastard he is.'

'It's a terrible way to get closure,' Joker nodded.

'I suppose at least I have that, no more false hope that my father is alive somewhere trying to get back to us.' He sighed and reached for his towel. 'Thanks Joker, I think I needed that ear more than I thought.'

'Anytime,' Joker stood up and took Jacob's offered hand.

'You know, I've never been on a mission, or a ship, where the crew watches out for each other like they do on the Normandy.'

'Welcome to Shepard's world,' Joker chuckled. 'You can't be on Shepard's ship and not care, she seems to have that effect on people.'

'Yeah, I noticed,' his gaze wandered to where the survivors were being cared for. 'She's an amazing woman and I think Miranda and the Illusive Man underestimated her.'

'Most definitely,' Joker laughed and Jacob grinned at him. 'They have no idea what she's capable of, they really didn't do their homework well.'

'Mr Moreau,' EDI spoke from above them, 'Alliance ships have entered the system, they will be here in approximately one hour.'

'Thanks, EDI, does the Commander know?'

'Yes she does,' Joker turned as Shepard spoke from behind him. 'You'd better get us ready to leave,' she smiled at him and he felt his stomach flip.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he nodded and headed for the elevator.

'How you doing, Jacob?'

Joker heard her ask as he walked away and chuckled to himself. Yep, definitely on Shepard's ship and he wouldn't be anywhere else.

* * *

He hated this place, if he never saw it again it would be too soon. Omega. They seemed to keep coming back here. This time it was for Samara, the fact that Shepard was bait didn't sit well and his stomach was in knots. It was made worse by the fact she wasn't wearing her armour and was unarmed. Of all the places to go out unprotected she had to pick here.

'Garrus, do you see her?'

'She's still in the bar, don't worry, we'll make sure nothing happens to her.'

Joker knew Shepard would be angry when she found out they'd disobeyed her order. He didn't care, neither did Garrus or Thane. When she'd refused support and relied on Samara the three of them had hatched their own plan. He could handle her being angry if it meant she was safe. With any luck she wouldn't even know they were there.

'Mr Moreau, I do not believe Commander Shepard will be happy about you disobeying her.'

'Yeah EDI, I know,' he checked Garrus's camera feed, he hadn't moved and neither had Thane.

'Why have you disobeyed her?'

'Because we care about her,' he was sure he heard curiosity and glanced at the blue orb that was EDI. 'It's what we do when we think someone is in danger and they don't think they are.'

'So this is a way to protect her without her knowing. If Samara is correct and she stops her daughter before Shepard is hurt then there will be no need for Garrus or Thane to act. If they do not act then Shepard will be none the wiser, she will not know you disobeyed her.'

'Something like that,' Joker nodded as his eyes returned to the camera feed.

'Then I hope Samara is correct. If she is not then I believe you will be in trouble.'

'Yeah,' he sighed, 'I know.'

'She's coming out,' Garrus whispered.

'I see her, Samara is following,' Thane added, from his rapid breathing Joker guessed he was moving quickly.

'I see Samara, she's close.' Garrus chuckled and Joker saw Samara glare at him through Garrus's camera.

'Shit,' he groaned, if Samara knew they were following she might tell Shepard.

Joker watched as Garrus followed Samara and was extremely relieved to see her enter Morinth's apartment, hopefully she wasn't too late. Garrus had tucked himself into a corner so he could see the door and Joker held his breath for what seemed an eternity. Eventually Samara and Shepard appeared and he gave a relieved sigh.

'Looks like we worried for nothing,' Garrus spoke softly as the two women walked away.

'Yeah, you'd better get back,' Joker chuckled, 'before Shepard does if you don't want to get in trouble.'

'That's all right,' Garrus made the guttural sound that Joker had come to recognise as a laugh. 'I'll tell her it was all your idea.'

'Hey, I thought us males were supposed to stick together,' Joker grunted.

'Only when it doesn't get us in trouble,' Thane chuckled and Joker shook his head.

'Thanks guys, nice of you to leave me hanging.'

'Anytime,' Garrus spoke from behind him and Joker spun in his seat.

'That was fast.'

'You forget, I was here for a while and had to find the safest and quickest way to get from one place to another.'

'Going somewhere, Garrus,' Shepard stepped out of the airlock with Samara behind.

'No, just being prepared,' Garrus nodded at her. 'How did it go?'

'My daughter will no longer be a problem,' Samara spoke quietly but Joker was sure there was sadness in her voice. It was hard to tell sometimes, Samara was such a mystery, cool and calm, showing very little emotion. It was kind of creepy. 'Thank you Shepard for your assistance.' She bowed slightly to Shepard and walked away.

Joker quietly sighed in relief, she hadn't given them away. 'You okay,' he could see Shepard was tired, the bags under her eyes only seemed to get darker.

'Yeah, I'm heading for the shower and maybe bed for a while.' She leaned against the wall with a sigh. 'I feel like I haven't slept for a week.'

'Maybe you should get Chakwas to check you over,' Joker frowned, it wasn't like her to admit to being tired.

'Maybe, better set a course for Pragia, Jack needs to take care of something.' She pulled herself up and moved to stand before him, leaning down to look in his eyes. 'I'll see you when you get off shift,' she kissed him gently but passionately and he reached up and cupped her face.

'Get some rest, but I still think you should see the doc.'

'Yeah, I will,' she stood up, glanced at Garrus and headed for the elevator.

'She looks tired,' Garrus watched her walk away though not with the same lustful stare as Joker.

'She is. This is turning into a solve everyone's problems mission. I know she has to build her team and all that but she's feeling the weight of it.' Joker looked up at Garrus, 'I'm worried about her.'

'You're not alone in that. Cerberus might have brought her back but they certainly don't care about her health or her state of mind.' He shook his head, 'I don't know what they were thinking and Miranda only seems to see her as a thing to be studied. I thought she might soften after Shepard helped her with her sister. Seem Cerberus has picked Shepard's watcher very well.'

'We just have to watch her better,' Joker chuckled as Garrus gave him the Turian equivalent of a frown. 'It's up to us to make sure she comes out of this alive and whole in body and mind.'

'That goes without saying,' Garrus sighed. 'I just hope she lets us.'

'Yeah,' Joker spun his chair back to the controls and began his departure checklist. The quicker he got them underway and into FTL the quicker he could go and check on Shepard. He heard Garrus walk away but he was already in pilot mode and everything else became background noise.

* * *

Joker heard Shepard's familiar footsteps come up behind him, she hadn't waited for him to finish, he got the feeling she didn't want to be alone. His hands worked the flight controls as she slipped into the co-pilot's chair, but he glanced over at her and his heart lurched at the exhaustion and despair on her face. This mission was really taking its toll on her, even more than the fight against Sovereign had. He supposed it didn't help that she felt like many of her crew would stab her in the back if they got the chance. Even though she had most of them onside there were still some that saw Cerberus as the saviours of humanity, refused to see the horrible stuff they'd done to get what they wanted. Miranda included. Not being able to fully trust your XO only added to the pressure.

Seeing what Ronald Taylor had done to his crew, to his son had shaken her, shaken her faith in human nature. She always tried to see the good in people, as much as she knew not everyone was perfect she like to believe that given the opportunity most people would choose to do the right thing. Mostly she was right, who wouldn't make the right choice when faced with a lecture from Commander Shepard. But she wasn't just Commander Shepard, she was a woman who seemed to bring out the good in people, make them believe in themselves even if others didn't. What Ronald Taylor had chosen to do to his crew, to the women, disappointed her, what he'd done to his son was unforgivable. Jacob was a member of her crew and if he was hurting so was she.

'Hey you,' he continued working but he heard her deep, tired sigh.

'Hey yourself,' she rested her head against the headrest. 'Everything okay up here?'

'Yeah, are you okay?'

She huffed a laugh, 'I've got a ship full of crazies, an XO who sees me as a science project, a crew that would throw me out the airlock if I even thought about taking on Cerberus, a race of monsters who want to wipe us out, why wouldn't I be alright? Add to that people who are animals, who are selfish and think of no one but themselves, how their decisions affect those around them, destroy lives. Hey what have I got to be concerned about.'

Joker felt his guts churning, he was hoping she'd be able to get past the doubts, the fears and mostly he knew she had. Every now and then though he saw through the cracks, saw the depth of her emotion, something she kept well hidden from those who didn't know her. He saw the broken, disheartened person underneath and as much as he feared for her he loved her so deeply, all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her everything would be alright. But he wasn't sure it would. If she lost faith in herself, in others, if she lost the will to fight they would all be lost.

'Hey, everything will be okay though right,' she had her eyes closed and there was no strength to her voice. 'I'm Commander Shepard, I'll save everyone, that's what I'm here for.'

'Damn right you are,' Joker spun to face her. 'You're gonna kick those Collectors into the next galaxy and then you're gonna ride off into the sunset with your sexy pilot and live happily ever after.' He grinned at her chuckle.

'You bet I am,' she turned to look at him, her head still resting on the headrest, she closed her eyes. 'That's right after he saves my ass again and then uses his amazing flying skills to get us to safety.' She smiled at him, 'I couldn't do this without him.'

'And here I thought you wanted me for my body,' he feigned disappointment and she laughed, it was a wonderful sound.

'Always,' she opened her eyes and he almost gasped at the love that shone out, 'always and forever.'

'Mr Moreau, we are approaching the relay,' EDI brought his focus back to what needed to be done.

'Thanks EDI,' Joker spun back to his console reluctantly. 'Stand by for relay transit,' his hands worked the controls instinctively as he prepared the crew and ship for instantaneous transport across systems. 'Relay in 8. 7. 6. …..' Joker felt his chair suck him down as the ship entered the relay and reality blurred before it cleared as they were spat out the other end. 'Transition complete, board is green.'

Joker completed his post relay checks and finally had a chance to look at Shepard. He grinned a he saw her asleep in the chair. It had been a while since she'd slept in the chair but he didn't have the heart to disturb her so he reached down for the blanket at his feet. He remembered the first time he'd done this and what came after. As he brushed the hair from her face and kissed her lightly he felt his doubts fade, they would come through this, they had to.

'Always and forever.'


	29. Chapter 29

 

**** 29 ****

Joker watched the feed from Shepard's suit and he could now understand why Jack was the way she was. How could anyone do that to children? He could sense Shepard's anger, her hatred for Cerberus. The fact that she talked Jack out of killing the other survivor made him realise that even Jack, for all her aggressiveness and angry demeanour, was willing to listen to Shepard. Another wounded soul using Shepard's salve to heal. She really was one of a kind, not that she realised it, or accepted it when it was pointed out. Shepard had a way of helping people without really trying to and if he thought about it she had helped him too. Helped him to see past his guilt, to move on from the past. He only hoped he could do the same for her.

The shuttle lifted off and the ships sensors registered the explosion on the surface. One more problem solved. How many more before they could do what they set out to do? How many more before the end, before they could have a normal life? Would it ever happen? He sighed as he imagined him and Shepard, side by side on a beach somewhere, no collectors, no reapers, just the two of them enjoying each other. _Dare to dream._ A beep on his console told him the shuttle had docked.

'Joker, find us a quiet spot to sit for a while.'

Shepard sounded tired and he wondered if she was still having nightmares. They had stopped, especially when he shared her bed, but the last couple of sleep cycles she'd slept alone, he'd been on duty. Not tonight.

'Hey babe,' he spoke softly into her ear. 'How about you shower and change, I'll organise dinner and bring it up.'

'Sounds good,' he could hear her stripping out of her armour. 'Give me an hour.'

Joker tucked them in around one of the outer planets, set the heat sinks to release, carried out final diagnostics and spun his chair to stand up.

'Mr Moreau, I believe the Commander is required in Operative Lawson's quarters. She and subject zero are having a very heated discussion that may become violent.'

Joker sighed and shook his head, 'Commander, sorry but you might want to get to Miranda's quarters, apparently her and Jack are having words,' he chuckled at her frustrated groan, 'take pictures.'  He stretched and left the bridge, 'look after the ship, EDI.'

While Shepard dealt with the childish behaviour of her crew Joker headed for the mess. He found Rupert preparing vegetables for dinner while trying to listen to the argument going on through the wall.

'Anything good,' Joker grinned, 'should I be recording?'

'Nah,' Rupert chuckled, 'although if Miranda was wearing as little as Jack it might be worth a look.'

Joker laughed and shook his head, 'how did you go with the ingredients I asked about?'

'Over in the fridge,' he indicated with his head, 'the rice is cooking.'

'Thanks, Rupert, thought I'd do something special for Shepard.' He heard Miranda's door open and watched Shepard head for the elevator, Jack stomping angrily after her.

'Thought so. There's something else in there you might like.'

Joker opened the fridge and it took him a moment but eventually he looked up with a grin, 'are you sure?'

'Yep, been saving it for someone special.'

'Thanks Rupert, she'll love it.' He set about dicing, slicing and cooking the meal he'd planned and with a little help from Rupert had it ready in a short time.

He pulled out a covered tray, set out the dinners and he was about to walk away when Rupert stopped him, pulled a single flower from one of his boxes and laid it across the tray. Joker smiled at him and made his way to Shepard's quarters.

He stepped into the hallway and Shepard's door opened before he reached it. 'Thanks EDI.'

'Have a pleasant evening, Mr Moreau. Logging you both out.'

Joker made his way carefully down the steps to find Shepard stretched out on the sofa, her feet on the table and her eyes closed. He could see the tightness around her eyes so he knew she wasn't asleep.

'Hey you,' he slowly placed the tray on the table and she looked up at him.

'Hey yourself,' she eyed off the tray. 'What have you been up to?'

'Just something I thought you might like,' he sat beside her and pulled her into a kiss. He would never get over the softness of her lips on his and the feelings they aroused. 'I know you haven't eaten today so I made something for you.'

'You cooked?' She looked at him wide eyed.

'Yeah, I cooked. Keep telling you I'm not just a sexy pilot with a handsome face.'

'But you are,' she cooed and ran her fingers across his lips, 'and you cook too, I really got lucky.'

'I promise to show you how lucky but eat first,' he nuzzled her neck and she moaned softly.

'This looks really nice,' she picked up the flower and sniffed it before placing it on the table. 'What's on the menu.'

'Nothing fancy, just a sweet chilli chicken my mother used to cook,' he laid out their plates as he spoke and the aroma made both their mouths water. 'At least as close as I can get with the available ingredients,' he chuckled, 'not everything tastes like chicken out here.'

'No!' Shepard gave him a stare of mock disbelief and he laughed.

He reached over the sofa and pulled a couple of beers from a cooler box he'd stashed there earlier and she grinned at him. There was very little talking as they ate, savouring the food and each other's company. _It doesn't get any better than this._ Joker glanced over at Shepard, he could tell she was enjoying what he'd cooked and it made him happy and proud that he could give her something special.

'Hmm, this is delicious,' Shepard moaned as she scraped the last of the food from her plate and dropped back against the sofa in contentment.

'We're not finished yet,' he gave her a sly grin and she raised her eyebrows at him. He watched her eyes widen in delight as he placed two servings of chocolate cream cake before them. 'Although if you're full I can always take them back to Rupert.'

'Not on your life,' she slapped him playfully and he laughed. 'If I'd known he had them they wouldn't still be there.' She picked up the spoon and scooped up a mouthful. The look of pure bliss on her face was priceless and Joker couldn't help but grin. 'What, I like my chocolate, so shoot me.'

Joker watched her devour the dessert and finish the half he didn't eat. He loved seeing her so relaxed and content. It was a moment of beauty in a universe of ugliness. He only wished there could be more moments like these.

'Hey, you're deep in thought, what's up.'

'What could be up, I'm here alone with you, watching you enjoy chocolate. I'm a lucky man and I know it.' He sat back against the sofa and she snuggled into his chest with a tired sigh.

'You're damn right you are,' she chuckled.

'Did you sort out the kiddies and put them to bed?' He kissed the top of her head as she groaned.

'Yeah, but I have a new rule for tonight, no work.' She lifted her head to look at him, 'under threat of eviction.'

'Yes, ma'am,' he whispered huskily and she shivered in his arms. 'So what do we talk about?'

'Who said anything about talking,' she mumbled as she pulled him down for a kiss.

Joker slid his arms around her and pulled her in tight. The sensation of her soft lips forcing his body's response, taking it out of his control, but he wasn't going to fight it. In fact he relished it, cherished every second of the euphoria their kiss created. He felt her lips part and their tongues caressed each other as her hand slid down his chest to his hip. A moan escaped as she lifted his shirt and her fingers brushed his skin, creating a trail of fire as she ran them across his back. He slowly slid his hand down to her thigh and she arched against him as he cupped her backside.

'Commander, I am sorry to interrupt but Tali is extremely upset and is requesting to see you.'

Joker pulled back slowly and he could see the same want in her eyes that he was feeling. She brushed his face tenderly with her fingers before kissing him lightly.

'Send her in,' she sighed but never took her eyes off his.

'Shepard,' Tali rushed down the steps and stopped. She looked from the table to Shepard and Joker who sat with their arms around each other. 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't think…..' She seemed edgy, flustered. 'I'll go, come back later.'

'No, Tali,' Shepard sat forward, 'it's okay. What's wrong?'

'I…..' As if she was unable to stay still she started pacing, her hands continually moving.

'I'll go,' Joker moved to get up but Tali stopped him.

'No, you don't have to leave,' she sighed and seemed to be struggling, trying to put her words together. 'I need your help. I've been accused of treason and have to stand trial.'

Joker and Shepard both looked at her in shock. Of all the members of their motley crew Tali would be the last to be accused of something like that. Joker was sure she was crying under her mask and his heart went out to her, he'd always thought of her as a kid, a little naive in the ways of the world but someone with a gentle trusting heart. How someone could accuse her of treason was completely beyond belief.

'Tell me what happened,' Shepard stood up and encouraged Tali to sit with her on the bed.

As disappointed as he was that their evening hadn't turned out so well Joker knew that this was more important and he listened closely as Tali told them what was going on. He knew they would have their time later, even if they only slept, at least they would be together.

* * *

'This is insane!' Garrus paced the small area of the bridge and Joker sighed as he watched him. 'Tali would never do what they've accused her of, she doesn't have the heart for it.'

'Hey, you're preaching to the converted here,' Joker reminded him and Garrus stared at him. 'Just saying, we know she couldn't, wouldn't do it.'

'Sorry, I'm just so angry that she's been put in this position. I'd like to get my hands on whoever accused her.' Garrus was almost snarling and Joker realised that this was more than concern for a friend.

'You care for her,' he smirked and Garrus stopped his pacing and looked at him strangely.

'Of course, she's a good friend.'

'No, it's more than that,' he sat forward and grinned. 'You've fallen for her and you want to protect her.'

'No… I… ' Garrus was lost for words and Joker laughed.

'Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.'

'There is no secret, I just….'

'Yeah, I know all about 'just', been there remember.'

Garrus sighed and sat in the navigator's chair, 'I like her, like being around her.'

'Have you told her?' Joker found it amusing that someone as confident as Garrus seemed so unsure.

'What! No, I couldn't.'

'Why not, she may feel the same.'

'Ready, Garrus,' Shepard walked onto the bridge with Tali.

'Yeah,' he stood up and took Tali's hand, 'I'm always ready to help out a friend.'

'Thanks Garrus,' Tali spoke softly but there was definite emotion behind her words, 'that means a lot.'

'Okay, let's go,' Shepard gave Joker a smile before leading the others into the airlock.

* * *

Things never seemed to change. Once again Shepard was in the thick of a fight that had nothing to do with the mission. As much as he liked Tali and knew they had to help her, the fact that they'd gone out to clear a ship full of Geth annoyed him. Why hadn't the Quarians taken care of it, they had the soldiers, the armaments. Why had they waited for Shepard? Something felt off.

He was watching the feed as they discovered the information that would clear Tali and her pleas not to use it, to protect her father, broke his heart. What was it about fathers that destroyed their children's lives. First Jacob and now Tali. Even though neither was intentional the outcome was the same, there was no thought to how their actions would affect the future, or if there was it didn't occur to them that it wasn't their lives that would be ruined. He thought of his own father and wondered if he would, or could, ever do that to him or his sister. He truly doubted it.

He heard Shepard curse as they returned to the courtroom to find the Admirals had gone ahead without them. She was angry, he could see it in her movements, and he was glad he wasn't on the receiving end of her ire. He was curious about what she was going to do, with the information they'd found she could easily clear Tali but that would go against Tali's wishes. She stood deep in thought and he knew she was torn, but it was her ability to know what was right that astounded him. In even the direst or toughest of situations she always made the right choice, it was uncanny sometimes.

His heart swelled with pride as she rallied the crowd in support of Tali, as the Admirals saw they were beaten. He shook his head with a smile as he realised she'd done it again, she'd got everyone on side, and without firing a shot. She hated politics but she was so good at it, maybe when this was over she could become a diplomat. He chuckled, not likely, not unless they allowed guns at embassy meetings, if she got too frustrated she'd probably just blow them up.

* * *

He heard the familiar footsteps behind him and spun to face the woman of his dreams. She was still in her armour, her hair was a mess, she was sweaty and looked tired but she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

'Glad you didn't have to shoot any admirals, Commander,' he chuckled and she smirked at him.

'Thought about it, wanted to, but didn't think it would help Tali's cause.' She leaned on her hip, her arms folded across her chest. 'You know, I really think they accused Tali just so we'd come and take care of their problem for them. The Quarians are a strange race and I don't know if we can trust them.'

'What, you think they'll shoot you in the back just to get what they want?'

'Honestly, I don't know. They have been floating around out here in space for so long I think they've forgotten how to interact with other species. They're a little arrogant and selfish and I really don't think they care about anything but their own survival.' She shrugged as he frowned at her, 'I could be wrong.'

'Let's hope so, because if the Reapers do get here we'll probably need them.' Joker could understand her sentiments, he'd felt it too, a sense of mistrust. 'Hey, I have something to tell you.'

He paused and she looked at him curiously. 'What is it, Joker? Should I be worried?'

'No, I don't think so anyway,' he sighed and straightened his cap. 'Last time we were on the Citadel I ran into Kaidan.'

'He didn't hurt you, did he?' The panic in her voice surprised him.

'No, just wanted to talk. I think he realised how much of an asshole he'd been and wanted to apologise. He asked me to do something for him and I wanted to check that you're okay with it.'

'Okay,' she sounded suspicious and he grinned.

'Nothing dangerous or sneaky, well maybe a little.' Joker laughed at the ever increasing frustration on her face. 'He wants to apologise to you and asked if I'd pass on his message so he knows you'll get it.'

'How was he?'

'Hurting,' Joker stood up and took her hands in his. 'He knows he hurt you too and it's eating him up. He loved you, Shepard, I think you knew that.'

'Yeah, but he knew there would never be anything between us.'

'He knows that too. Do you want to be friends or would you rather forget he exists?'

'I valued his friendship and his abilities as a soldier, I miss having him at my back.' She met Joker's eyes, 'are you okay with this?'

'Yeah, he knows about us, he actually said he was glad for us.'

'Okay, pass on his messages, maybe we can get back to being friends.'

'He also offered to pass on other stuff if you want him to.'

'Really,' her eyebrows went up and Joker laughed.

'Yeah, I think he understands how important this mission is and what it's leading to. The soldier in him can't ignore that.'

'That might be useful,' she nodded and raised his fingers to her lips, kissing them gently. 'Thanks, Jeff, for being the man you are.' He realised then that she knew what had happened between him and Kaidan, how difficult it had been for him to face his fear and anxiety.

'Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you,' EDI popped up beside them.

'Guess we're off on some other wild goose chase,' she grimaced and headed for the briefing room.

Joker seriously hoped she was wrong but as he watched her walk away he doubted it. He activated the blocking code on his omnitool and sent the message to Shepard, another small step on their way back to what they had and towards what they needed for the future.


	30. Chapter 30

**** 30 ****

Joker was nervous. If he was honest, he was terrified, although he would deny it if anyone asked. Just like Alchera this brought back painful memories. They'd found the Collector ship right where it was supposed to be. From the moment they had first picked it up on sensors Joker's stomach had been churning. He checked and double checked controls, sensors and logs. He had to be ready, needed to be ready. Familiar footsteps behind him made him spin around, she was already armoured except for her gloves and helmet.

'Something's not right.'

'What do you mean?' Shepard raised her eyebrows at him.

'How the hell did the Turians take down a ship this size. There's no obvious damage, no evidence of a firefight.' He shrugged, 'something just feels wrong.'

'Yeah, I know what you mean.'

'The ship appears to be offline,' EDI sounded like she was trying to reassure them, 'thrusters are cold, there is no evidence of activity.'

Joker stood up and took her hands in his, 'please be careful. I don't trust the Illusive Man or his intel even if he is paying the bills.' He breathed deeply before meeting her eyes, 'I can't lose you again.'

'I have every intention of coming back alive, you just make sure you're here for me to come back to.' She reached up and brushed her fingers across his lips.

'I'm not going anywhere,' he kissed her forehead and cupped her face. 'You just go kick some Collector ass so you can come home quickly.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute and he laughed. 'I'd better go,' she sighed and kissed him lightly before turning and walking away, her commander persona slipping into place.

'Commander,' he watched her look over shoulder, 'good hunting.' She nodded and continued on.

Joker slid back into his seat, watching Shepard leave hadn't helped his state of mind. He mentally ran through every scenario he could think of as he acknowledged the shuttle departure. _Let's hope I'm as good as I think I am._ He laughed at himself as he waited for the ground crew feed to come online. Yeah, he'd learned a few things since last time but overconfidence certainly wouldn't help him.

'How are you doing, Joker?' Kasumi made no effort to hide as she walked up behind him.

'Okay,' he double checked the sensors again, just to be sure.

'That's ugly,' Kasumi looked at the ship that towered over them.

'In more ways than one,' Joker mumbled as Kasumi slipped into the co-pilot's chair. 'EDI, please keep an eye on the emissions, let me know the moment there is even a flicker.'

'Of course, Mr Moreau, I am aware of the risks.'

Joker glanced at the blue orb. Did EDI just chastise him? More and more he felt like she was alive, like she was learning and growing into something more than just a machine.

'Okay,' Kasumi chuckled beside him and he looked at her before turning back to the video feed that popped up on his view screen.

'Commander, I have located an access point to upload data, sending the nav point to your hardsuit computer.' Joker confirmed the location as EDI continued. 'I have also checked the ship profile against known Collector ships. This is the same ship you encountered on Horizon.'

Joker was glad he hadn't eaten yet as his stomach threatened to upend itself. He was also glad Shepard had taken a larger team this time as he had a frightening feeling that there was more to come. 'EDI, do you have the information from the SR-1, the data on the Collector ship that took her down.'

'Yes, Mr Moreau.'

'Is this the same ship?' He didn't really want to know but he had to ask.

He watched as Shepard found a pile of bodies and even though he wasn't there he could sense the anger and frustration that emanated from her. He could imagine the smell, the bodies looked like they'd been badly damaged and they'd been there for some time.

'Mr Moreau,' EDI seemed hesitant, 'I have compared the data, this is the same ship that destroyed the SR-1.'

'Shit,' Kasumi said softly.

Joker wasn't sure how to react. He wanted to throw up, to get as far away as possible. He also wanted payback. He wanted to destroy this ship more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life, to get his revenge for the loss of his ship, the loss of Shepard.

Shepard's voice dragged him back to the present and he watched as they checked out the Collector bodies and sent information back for analysis. The ship was eerie even through the feed and he shivered. He wanted her off that ship but he knew she wouldn't leave until she found what they needed. There were times when he hated her sense of duty.

He listened as EDI informed Shepard of her analysis. Protheans, re-purposed to suit the Reaper's needs. This was what they had planned for humanity, his skin crawled at the thought. He watched as she continued on and he wondered if her nerves were as bad as his. Probably not, she was a warrior, she was Commander Shepard. She was also human, he'd seen the softer side and he knew she would hide any anxiety very well while on a mission.

'Holy shit,' Joker whispered as he saw the pods on Shepard's feed and he heard the hitch in her voice as she spoke.

'Damn, all these people, dead.'

'Not your fault,' he answered instinctively, knowing she would be blaming herself for not being quicker.

'Maybe not,' she was breathing heavily as she moved on, 'but we need to stop this, quickly.'

'Commander, these people would have died when main power went off line,' EDI clarified and Joker could have kissed her.

'Commander, I had EDI check the profile against the ship that took down the SR-1, it's the same ship.' Joker sensed more than heard her breath catch.

'The same ship dogging me for two years,' she growled, 'more than coincidence.'

'Watch your back, Commander,' Joker was sure now something wasn't right.

'Wow,' Kasumi commented and Joker looked at her. 'Shepard must have really upset these guys.'

'Yeah, she took down one of them,' Joker felt the need to check the controls and sensors again. 'Guess she pissed them off.'

'Just a little,' Kasumi chuckled, 'they must really want her for some purpose.'

'Not this time,' Joker scowled. 'Never again.'

He felt Kasumi's eyes on him but ignored the questioning stare. His eyes returned to the video feed and he wondered how Shepard was dealing with the discovery. She was still the Commander, still in charge and barrelling forward. He knew she had no choice but that didn't make it any easier to sit and watch. When the ground team finally found a control panel he was relieved, it was nearly over. As soon as he thought it he knew he'd jinxed it and he inwardly kicked himself.

Shepard linked EDI into the databanks and information flashed across Joker's screens. It was too quick to read and just as quickly it vanished as a holographic image of a Collector popped up where EDI usually appeared. Power flickered and screens went blank for a split second.

'Crap! That can't be good,' Joker hurriedly checked the systems as things seemed to return to normal.

'What happened?' There was interference but the concern in Shepard's voice was obvious.

'Major power surge, but we're back up now,' Joker managed to hide the panic in his voice.

'Shepard,' EDI spoke up, 'this was not a malfunction, this was a trap.'

The Illusive Man should have known EDI would have discovered his lies. He obviously underestimated her just as he did Shepard. _Shit!_ His heart lurched as the platform detached and carried Shepard, Garrus, Thane and Jacob into the bowels of the ship. Miranda and Grunt were left behind and if the situation hadn't been so serious he would have laughed at Grunt's angry tirade and Miranda's frustration.

'EDI, need a little help here,' Shepard cursed as the platform came to a sudden stop.

'There is someone else in the system,' EDI was obviously tasked to capacity and Joker felt fear wash over him. What would happen if EDI couldn't stop what was happening? What could he do if the Collectors got control of the Normandy? How would he save Shepard?

Gunfire pulled his eyes back to the screen and he watched anxiously as the ground crew came under attack. There seemed to be a never ending barrage of Scion and Collector fire and he saw Thane go down as his shields failed but Jacob was there to throw up a barrier, protecting him as his shields regenerated. Seemed the team was finally working together, he knew Shepard would be proud.

Finally EDI managed to take back control and get them moving again. They had no sooner re-joined Miranda and Grunt than they were almost overrun yet again. It was a long, difficult fight to the shuttle and just when Joker thought they were safe sensors went haywire.

'Shepard, you need to hurry,' the panic in his voice was obvious and he didn't care. His hands were shaking and he broke out into a sweat. 'The Collector ship just came online, I'm not losing you or the Normandy again.'

His hands flew over the console, a blur to Kasumi who watched in fascination as he prepared them for a hurried departure. The shuttle was still docking but he had them moving. An all too familiar beam of light shot beneath them as the Normandy took flight and Joker tried to stop the fear that clenched his guts as he realised how close it had been. Like a feather on the wind he darted around, down and sideways as the Collector ship repeatedly fired on them. A hand on his shoulder gave him some sense of relief, Shepard was safe and the Normandy was dancing under his fingers. But he knew it wouldn't last forever.

'EDI, get us out of here,' he kept them moving and weaving, staying just ahead of the Collectors beam but it was wearing him down.

'Do you have a destination in mind?'

'Anywhere that's not here!' He groaned in frustration before the pull of FTL dragged him into his seat.

Clear space appeared before them and he instinctively checked the sensors and ran diagnostics. He buried his face in his shaking hands, fear and adrenaline making his heart race. He'd done it, he'd avoided destruction, kept them safe. A gentle squeeze on his shoulder made him lift his head and he met Shepard's gaze.

'You did it,' she smiled proudly, 'we're safe.'

Joker spun his chair, stood up and pulled her into his arms. He buried his nose in her neck, the beating of her pulse, the scent of sweat and gun oil letting him know that she was real, she was alive. As if sensing his need for confirmation she wrapped her arms around him and kissed the side of his neck. She could feel him trembling and she really wished she wasn't wearing her armour.

'It's okay, we're alive,' she pulled back and met his eyes, her hand coming up to caress the side of his face.

'I couldn't have done it without EDI,' he sighed, held her face in his hands and kissed her as if it was their first kiss.

'I think you could,' she grinned as he stepped back, 'EDI was just a bonus.'

'Commander Shepard is correct, Mr Moreau,' EDI popped into being behind him. 'You would have made the jump to FTL without my assistance.'

'Thanks EDI,' he allowed himself a half smile, 'for everything.'

'You are welcome, we are crewmates so we help each other when we can.'

'Seems even EDI is being turned by your powers, Commander,' he finally relaxed and chuckled.

'If only it was that easy,' Shepard watched as he slipped back into his chair to carry out system checks. 'EDI, you'd better get the Illusive Man for me.' She placed her hand on Joker's shoulder and leant down to speak into his ear, 'leave the coms open, ship wide.' He nodded and glanced back as she turned and walked away.

'Oh dear,' Kasumi chuckled, she hadn't moved the entire time. 'I'm glad I'm not the Illusive Man.' She reached across and placed her hand on Joker's forearm, 'nice flying, Joker.'

He acknowledged her praise as Shepard's voice carried through the ship, her anger evident. To hear the Illusive Man admit that it was a trap was a slap in the face to those that still believed in him and simple proof to those that didn't. No amount of placating or sleazy praise would calm Shepard though.

'If you ever put my crew or ship in danger like that again I will find you and I will kill you.' The strength and determination in Shepard's voice was frightening to those that didn't know her, familiar to those that did. They knew she meant every word. 'EDI, close this channel.'

'Shepard, don't you dare….' Everyone heard the anger in the Illusive Man's voice as EDI cut him off.

'Is she always this protective?' Kasumi chuckled.

'Always,' Joker grinned, he knew Shepard would still be angry but there would be some enjoyment in hanging up on TIM, he certainly enjoyed it.

It was sometime later when Joker was finally satisfied that they were out of danger and the Normandy was in one piece. He stretched to release the pressure on his bones and realised that he hadn't eaten all day. Slowly he got to his feet, left EDI in control and headed for the mess. It was a slower trip than usual, crew members who usually ignored him wanted to thank him for saving their lives. More than one asked about Shepard, if she had meant what she said. Joker was more than happy to point out that Shepard always protected her crew, he was a good example of that as she had died to save him.

By the time he reached the mess he was more than ready to sit and eat. Shepard was already eating so he grabbed a plate from Rupert and sat beside her.

'Bet that felt good,' he nudged her shoulder and grinned.

'Yep,' she grinned back.

'You know you've ensorcelled the crew now.'

'Really,' she looked at him from under raised eyebrows. 'If that's all it took to get this crew to trust me I should have hung up on him sooner.'

'Threatening him might not have been the wisest idea.'

'I know,' she sighed and linked her fingers with his. 'He'll probably be angry with me but what can he do. He wants me to complete this mission so he has to be nice.'

'And what about when it's over?' He squeezed her fingers gently and she dropped her head onto his shoulder.

'I'll, no, we'll face that when we get there.'

'I've got your back,' Joker raised her fingers to his lips and kissed them softly.

Shepard lifted her head and gazed up at him and he felt his pulse quicken. She stood up and urged him to his feet, leading him to the elevator with a wicked grin. He didn't hesitate, they were both off duty for the next eight hours and yes they needed sleep … but not right away.


	31. Chapter 31

**** 31 ****

Joker was frustrated. He was also angry and concerned. They were an hour behind schedule for departure and it looked like they weren't leaving any time soon. It was all Miranda's fault. Shepard had no sooner left the ship for Bekenstein before Miranda let everyone know the ship was hers. The Normandy docked at the Citadel for restocking while Shepard had taken a shuttle with Kasumi to complete the deal Cerberus made. The stores were full and the last delivery had been over an hour ago but Miranda still hadn't given the departure order. Joker had a bad feeling and every minute they lingered it only got worse.

'What's going on?' Garrus walked onto the bridge, his mandibles flexing in what Joker now knew to be frustration. 'Why haven't we left yet?'

'Miranda hasn't given the all clear,' Joker growled. 'I'm guessing she's waiting on word from the boss.'

'That is incorrect, Mr Moreau,' EDI popped into view. 'Operative Lawson has had no contact with the Illusive Man since Commander Shepard left the ship.'

'Then what are we waiting for?' Garrus shook his head.

'There is no apparent reason preventing our departure.' Joker was sure if she'd had a physical body she would have shrugged.

'Joker, are the crew on board?' Garrus watched as Joker nodded. 'Get us underway.'

'Aye, aye, what about Miranda?' His hands were already at work on his console and the docking clamps released.

'I'll worry about her,' Garrus turned to EDI, 'am I going to have a problem with you?'

'No, Commander Shepard left orders that I should obey any command from you over those of Operative Lawson.'

'What? Why didn't you tell us earlier?' Joker was manoeuvring them away from the Citadel but he glanced up at EDI.

'You did not ask,' now she sounded like she was having a joke at his expense and he groaned. 'Operative Lawson is on her way to the bridge.'

Garrus chuckled as Joker shook his head. 'Hope you're ready.'

'I'm not afraid of Miranda,' Garrus shrugged as he stood behind Joker, his talon resting on the back of his seat. Joker smiled to himself, seemed he was picking up more than a gung-ho attitude from Shepard.

The ship was clear of the dock and moving away from the Citadel when Miranda appeared on the bridge.

'What the hell are you doing?' She stepped up to Joker's chair but Garrus stepped in front of her.

'Going after Shepard.' Garrus spoke calmly but Joker knew he was angry.

'Under whose orders?' Miranda folded her arms across her chest and met his stare.

'Mine,' Garrus turned to face Miranda who wasn't controlling her anger as well as the two males before her.

'You have no authority to give orders on this ship!' She was almost in his face but Garrus didn't flinch.

'That is incorrect, Operative Lawson,' EDI spoke calmly and Miranda glared at the blue orb.

'What do you mean, incorrect?'

'Before she left, Commander Shepard ordered that I obey any commands from Mr Vakarian, especially if it appeared her safety was at risk. As we are currently one hour past the scheduled rendezvous time it would be logical to assume that her safety is at risk.'

'She can't do that!' Miranda's voice jumped an octave.

'It appears that she has,' Garrus turned to Joker, 'get us to Bekenstein, yesterday.'

'Aye, aye,' his hands flew across the console as they slipped into FTL.

'EDI, lock out the controls and return us to the Citadel immediately.' Miranda raised an eyebrow at Garrus.

'I am afraid I cannot do that,' EDI sounded smug and Joker almost laughed. 'Commander Shepard is in command of this ship and I must follow her orders.'

Joker was sure Miranda was about to stamp her feet as her arms dropped and her hands started waving about. 'This is a Cerberus ship and you are a Cerberus AI, you have to obey me!'

'Again that is incorrect,' EDI almost sighed, as if she was explaining something simple to a petulant child. 'You are well aware that, under orders from the Illusive Man, Shepard is in control of this vessel and I must obey her orders.'

'Why have we not picked up Shepard yet?' Samara walked onto the bridge, Thane not far behind.

'There was some confusion over who is in command,' Garrus indicated Miranda and Samara stared at her coldly.

'Can I assume it has been sorted.'

'Yes,' Garrus nodded. 'Is something wrong?'

'Thane and I are ….. concerned for Shepard.'

'That makes three of us,' Joker mumbled and Thane placed his hand on the pilot's shoulder.

'Your siha is strong,' Joker glanced up at him and Thane nodded, 'she will survive.'

'She has to,' Joker almost whispered then added so everyone could hear, 'approximately one hour to Bekenstein.'

Miranda groaned angrily and stormed away, Samara and Thane followed more sedately. Garrus remained behind Joker, as if willing them to move faster.

'Damn Miranda,' Joker cursed the woman. 'If anything has happened to Shepard I'll kill her.'

'It would be unwise for you to attempt such a task,' EDI spoke softly, as if to soften her words. 'You would not be effective against Operative Lawson, her biotic skills are exceptional.'

'Don't worry, Joker,' Garrus chuckled, 'there will be a few of us in front of you to do it for you.'

Joker sighed and nodded, sensing rather than seeing Garrus walk away. His concern for Shepard was growing, eating away at him, he took a deep breath to try and calm his nerves. She'd looked so beautiful when she'd left, the image of her in a dress was something that would stay with him for a long time.

' _Jeff,' Joker hadn't heard her familiar footsteps so he was surprised when she called his name._

_He was about to utter some smart comment but the thought was completely forgotten as he spun his chair. He gaped, unable to force thought or words to come together. Shepard stood before him, dressed in a deliciously tight black dress, heels, make up and styled hair. He instinctively pinched himself and knew he wasn't dreaming. He'd seen her look stunning before but this was way beyond that. A look of concern crossed her face and he smiled before pulling himself to his feet._

' _Do you know how beautiful you are?' He took her hand and spun her around slowly, his eyes lingering, taking in every curve, every flex of muscle as her body moved under the fabric. She chuckled and his eyes finally met hers. 'I really am the luckiest guy alive.'_

_She grinned as he pulled her in for a kiss, his arms sliding around her waist, his hand sliding slowly down the curve of her backside while his other hand rested between her shoulder blades. She slid her arms around his neck and Joker never wanted to move, to let go. He had perfection in his arms and no one could take it away from him._

'Mr Moreau.'

'What is it, EDI?'

'I am picking up a distress signal from the shuttle. It is garbled and the signal is weak.'

'Let's hear it,' his heart was suddenly racing and he broke into a sweat. There had been no contact or feeds from Shepard since she'd departed and he hated it, not knowing what was going on. Yeah she was an N7 but that didn't mean she was indestructible, they'd already proved that and he didn't need a reminder.

'Norman….. need help,,,,,, Shep,,,,, gunship …. Injured …. Dead.' It was Kasumi's voice.

 _No! No, no no!_ Joker felt his heart lurch. He hit the com to engineering. 'Donnelly, we need to go faster.'

'What, we're pretty much at full power.'

'Shepard's in trouble, we need to move faster.'

'I might be able to give you a wee bit more but it's gonna push the core to its limits.' Donnelly spoke to Daniels before adding, 'we'll do what we can.'

'Thanks,' Joker was already busy trying to find a way to get more speed or a quicker approach vector. 'EDI, see if you can clear up the transmission and get a lock on the shuttle's position.'

'I have the position.'

Joker glanced up at the nav screen, still too far away. Damn it! Why hadn't Shepard told Garrus he had command? He managed to shave a few minutes off their estimated time.

'Joker, we've got you a two percent increase but it won't last,' Donnelly spoke into his ear.

'I'll take it,' he punched up the speed.

'I have managed to partially clear the signal.' EDI informed him and proceeded to play the message.

'Normandy, we need help ….. injured by gunship ….. shuttle damaged ,,,,,,, losing oxygen. Normandy … no time.'

 _Shit!_ Joker looked at the clock, still too long. 'EDI, reroute power from any non-essential systems into the power core.'

'Done, I have also prepared the hangar bay for an uncontrolled pick up.'

'Thanks EDI,' Joker was still trying to shave some time. 'Doc, we need a medical team in the hangar bay, we have an uncontrolled pick up and Shepard is injured.'

'Do we know how?' He could hear Chakwas preparing as she was speaking.

'No, something about a gunship and shuttle damage.' He switched to the open com, 'all crew are to evacuate the hangar deck immediately we have an uncontrolled pick up and a medical emergency, this is not a drill.'

'Joker, what's going on?' Garrus was back, Jacob behind him.

'The shuttle has been damaged and Shepard is injured,' Joker glanced at EDI, 'can you clear it up any more and can we respond?'

'Negative, the shuttle communications seem to be damaged.'

'Damn,' he managed to shave a few more minutes off their time, was it enough?

'I'll go help Dr Chakwas,' Jacob rushed from the bridge.

'Hope you've got that gun ready,' Joker quipped, his hands still a blur on the console.

'Whenever we need it,' the anger and concern in Garrus's voice was no surprise to Joker.

'Shuttle is in visual range,' EDI brought up the image and both Joker and Garrus sucked in a breath.

There were no visible hull breaches but one of the forward thrusters was badly damaged. Oxygen was venting slowly from a ruptured tank making the shuttle spin. As it turned and the front came into view they could see the blast shields closed across the windscreen, both knew what that meant. Joker forced his emotions under control, losing it now would not help Shepard or Kasumi.

'EDI, is there any way to remotely control the shuttle?' Joker was already working out the math in his head for a controlled manoeuvre.

'Negative. Without external communications we have no contact.'

Joker and Garrus looked up at the shuttle and noticed a deep gouge across the top of the ship, that explained why there were no communications. The array was gone. Still ten minutes before they were close enough. _Hang on baby, please hang on._ Joker depressurised the hangar bay and opened the bay doors. This was going to be tricky. He had two choices, bring the shuttle in as it spun, possibly damaging the hangar bay, taking out the doors or the side of the ship, or put the Normandy into a relative spin, match the two ships and close the gap. He opted for the latter.

He heard mumbled voices behind him as he calculated the necessary trajectory and realised the crew was watching on their screens. Hadley quietly slipped into the co-pilot's seat but Joker didn't acknowledge him. There wasn't much he could do but his unspoken support was a boost.

'Things could get a little dizzy,' he informed the crew as the Normandy slid sideways, her tail slowly rotating around.

Too fast, he slowed down their approach. Two minutes, thrusters fired and the ship gave a gentle lurch as she slowed, her nose lining up with the shuttle. It was like a sensuous dance as the Normandy closed the gap, spinning in time with the shuttle, two moving as one. Joker adjusted their speed, recalculated the distance and the thrusters fired again. Sweat dripped from under his cap but he ignored it. His eyes stayed glued to his screens his hands one with the console.

'EDI, I'm going to need emergency clamps engaged on my mark,' he checked the distance again. If he missed this was going to get messy.

Metres became centimetres, the shuttle disappeared beneath the nose of the Normandy and there was a collective gasp as the external cameras showed it moving into the bay. The Normandy was still spinning, a last pirouette before the final bow.

'Now, EDI.' Joker waited for the clamps to engage and the bay to pressurise before allowing himself to relax. He slowed the Normandy and once she was completely stopped he sat back and wiped the sweat from his brow, removing his cap and dropping his head against the head rest. He ran his fingers through his hair and put his cap back on.

'Nice work,' Garrus softly tapped his shoulder.

'That was amazing!' Hadley was still gawking from his seat.

'Thanks,' Joker brought up the feed from the hangar as he set a course for one of the outer planets.

Jacob had crew working on the shuttle, closing down the leaking tank and making sure the drive core was safe. Chakwas had other crewmen carrying a stretcher. She glanced up into the camera and Joker's heart dropped to his feet at the desperation on her face. Kasumi was behind her and even from here Joker could see she was shaking.

'Go.' Garrus spun his chair.

'Hadley, the ship is yours, set us into orbit around Feynman' Joker got to his feet as Hadley stared at him wide eyed. 'EDI, make sure he doesn't crash us into the sun.' Garrus was beside him as they rushed to the medical bay.

* * *

Miranda paced nervously in her quarters, her shoulders hunched, her hands fidgeting with a life of their own. She'd watched on her screen as the shuttle was picked up and as much as she hated to admit it, Joker really was a skilful pilot. Shepard was injured, possibly seriously. If she hadn't been so stubborn, trying to enforce her rule, that might not have happened. Shepard had done nothing to deserve her anger, her resentment, in fact she had been nothing but patient and understanding with her. So why did she feel she had to prove herself whenever the opportunity arose.

The Illusive Man, she needed to show that she was reliable, dependable. If she lost her usefulness she might end up as one of his experiments and that scared her. She knew how Cerberus worked, secrets didn't remain secrets forever, and as much as she owed the Illusive Man she was beginning to see that Cerberus wasn't humanities only hope. If they were why did they need Shepard? Why hadn't he let her put in the control chip? The Illusive Man wasn't as truthful as she had once believed him to be, he was covering himself just like any egotistical maniac would. Her perfect world was disintegrating and she was floundering.

She was, however, in the right place to bring some sense of normality back into her life, a life that she now realised didn't have to include Cerberus. It would be frightening to walk away and she wasn't sure she had the strength to do it. But she had options, as long as she hadn't damaged them too badly. With a nervous sigh she pulled herself upright and headed for the medical bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking a few liberties with some missions, hope you don't dislike me too much and enjoy the changes. ;p


	32. Chapter 32

 

**** 32 ****

Joker sat at the table in the mess. He'd paced until his legs gave out and he had to sit down. Now his hands fidgeted and his eyes were glued to the closed medbay door. Mordin had dashed in to help and Chakwas had locked everyone out two hours ago, everyone except for Miranda, and Joker was not happy about that. Yes, she was responsible for Shepard coming back and she knew about the implants but that didn't make it any easier to accept. If she hadn't been such a pigheaded bitch this might not have happened.

'Shepard will be okay,' Garrus sat beside him, he hadn't left the mess either and had done his fair share of wearing a path across the room.

'I can't lose her, Garrus,' he felt like someone had stabbed him in the chest with a knife. 'Not again.'

'You won't, she's a fighter, she has you to come back to.'

'Let's hope that's enough.'

'You know, on the SR-1 it was pretty obvious that you two had feelings for each other,' Garrus chuckled and Joker glanced at him. 'It's a shame you didn't act on it, either of you.'

'I didn't think I was what she needed,' Joker rubbed his face, pushing his cap backwards. 'I wasn't strong enough for her. Besides, there were regs.'

'I don't think that mattered, I think she loved you even back then.' Garrus glanced across the room at Tali, 'sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us.'

'Or we're too scared to acknowledge it, in case we're wrong,' Joker nudged his shoulder. 'Don't waste time we might not have.'

'Yeah,' he nodded, 'sounds like good advice.' He stood up and walked over to Tali who looked up at him through her faceplate. Garrus opened his arms and she willingly stepped towards him, letting him hold her and share her pain.

Joker allowed a soft smile to form as he watched but it didn't last. His eyes returned to the medbay door, his fingers tapping absently on the table as he waited. A shadow appeared beside him and he looked up to see Jacob standing beside him.

'Any word?'

'No, not yet.' Joker waited until Jacob was seated. 'Did you see how Kasumi was when they got off the shuttle?'

'No, we were too busy sealing the O2 leak,' he shook his head and glanced over his shoulder towards the medbay. 'The shuttle took some damage, looks like it was hit by a couple of RPGs. I don't know if they would have lasted much longer, the oxygen level was pretty low and the windshield was badly cracked. If they hadn't closed the blast screens…' He left the thought unfinished as he frowned and looked hesitant about continuing. 'Why were we late?'

'Miranda,' Joker growled angrily. 'Trying to show whose boss again. If Shepard dies I'll kill her.'

'Stand in line,' Jacob was angry and Joker glanced at him in surprise. 'What, you think you're the only one who cares for her, not in the same way but she's special, one of a kind.'

'Yeah,' Joker chuckled, 'she always has been.'

There was no stronger evidence than the people around him. Samara and Thane sitting quietly at the end of the table, or Gardner, trying to look busy and failing miserably. Grunt, pacing the floor and thumping his fists, Joker was surprised that he was actually quiet. Zaeed leaning casually against the wall, but his eyes glancing at the window of medbay. It was amazing how she pulled such a group of people together. She was an amazing woman and the thought of losing her, again, was something he didn't want to think about.

The lock on the door turned green, Joker was on his feet as quickly as his legs would allow and heading towards it. Chakwas stopped him gently as he almost crashed into her. She sighed and met his eyes before glancing around at the rest of the crew waiting for news.

'Shepard and Kasumi will be okay,' she spoke loud enough for everyone to hear before leading Joker into the medbay.

'Doc?' his eyes immediately went to Shepard on the bed before him. She was pale, her skin drawn and bruised.

'Apparently they destroyed a gunship and some of the shrapnel went straight through her weakened shields and pierced her armour. One piece lodged in her chest, broke two ribs and punctured her lung. Medigel slowed the bleeding but there was a lot of internal damage it didn't help.' Chakwas shook her head, 'a few centimetres either way and we may have lost her. Kasumi saved her life.'

'Very close,' Mordin nodded, patted Joker's shoulder and left.

A sound that was halfway between a sob and a groan escaped and Joker felt the doctor grab his hand. She squeezed his fingers gently before indicating he should sit with Shepard. He didn't have to be told twice. Nervously he sat alongside the bed and looked across at Miranda who was checking a monitor.

'Get out,' Joker glared at her.

'Mr Moreau …..'

'Get out,' he went to stand up but Miranda nodded and moved to the end of the bed.

'Mr Moreau, for what it's worth, I'm sorry,' she whispered and left.

Joker ignored her. He reached for Shepard's hand, it was cold and seemed exceptionally tiny in his. It felt so weak, so human and the urge to protect her from harm overwhelmed him. He raised his eyes to her face and brushed away a stray lock of hair, his finger lightly brushing the side of her face, trying to avoid the bruises.

'Hey you,' he spoke just above a whisper. 'You really know how to scare a guy, don't you?' He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. 'You know, I might have to do something dangerous just so you know how it feels.'

'What, you're going to run through CIC,' It was a whisper but his heart soared as her eyes met his.

'I just might,' he leaned forward and kissed her cold lips.

'Kasumi?' She swallowed hard and he quickly reached for the glass of water on the desk beside him, which she sipped eagerly.

'Asleep,' he glanced over to the other occupied bed and felt a little guilty that he hadn't checked on her. 'You should be too, you need to rest.'

'Aye, aye,' she gave a soft smile as her eyes closed and he felt her relax.

Tears burned his eyes as he dropped his head onto the pillow beside her and watched her chest rise and fall evenly. She was safe, alive and with him. The world was perfect again and he sighed with relief. Guilt nagged at him though so he quietly stood up and checked on Kasumi. She had a few cuts and bruises but no major injuries from what he could see. This was the first time he'd seen her without her hood and he was surprised at how young she looked. Her boyish hair and smooth skin belied the experienced thief that was within.

He heard the door open and felt Chakwas come to stand beside him. 'How is Kasumi, doc?'

'She's fine, a few superficial wounds but she was exhausted from trying to keep Shepard alive so I sedated her.'

'She looks so young,' he commented and Chakwas chuckled.

'She is young, and I hope you respect her privacy,' she frowned at him.

'Don't worry doc, her secret is safe with me, I owe her that much.' He moved back beside Shepard, 'How long will she be out?'

'Hopefully a few hours, you should go and eat, get some rest,' she placed her hand on his arm, 'I promise I will call you when she wakes up.'

'Okay, doc,' he sat in the chair and made himself comfortable, 'in a minute.'

Dr Chakwas chuckled and shook her head, knowing how obstinate he could be she headed out to the mess. If he wouldn't go for food, the food would have to come to him.

It was a couple of hours later when someone gently rubbing his arm woke him. He looked up groggily to see Kasumi looking down at him. His bones creaked as he straightened up and stretched.

'Hi, Kasumi,' He glanced at Shepard who appeared to be sleeping calmly. 'You okay,' he turned back to the thief, noticing that her hood was back in place.

'Yeah,' her voice shook, 'I'm so sorry, Joker.' A tear rolled down her cheek.

'Hey,' he stood up and pulled her into a hug. 'It wasn't your fault. You didn't know what was going to happen. I should be thanking you anyway, you saved her life.'

'But she was in that position because of me, because I couldn't let go of the man I loved, his memories. It's all I have left.'

'Right,' he stepped back to look at her, 'and I waited for Shepard to come back from the dead. You don't have to apologise to me.'

'How is she?'

''Good, all things considered. Doc says she'll make a complete recovery.'

'I'm glad,' she sighed and stepped back. 'Joker, I need help,' she pulled a small box from her pocket. 'These are Keiji's memories, all I have left of him, but there are files on here that would damage the Alliance if they got out. He wants me to destroy this but I don't know if I can.'

'When Shepard died I wanted to hang on to anything I could find that had been hers, reminded me of her. I wallowed in guilt and self-pity and the more I hung on to her the worse I got. If Cerberus hadn't come along I probably wouldn't be here telling you this, things were pretty dark for a while.' He sighed and took her hands in his, 'I can't tell you one way or the other what to do, only you can make that decision. All I will ask is, do you really need to lock yourself away inside a memory box, will that give you closure or will it make you lose yourself grasping at something you know is not real. Are your memories strong enough for you to remember him without it?'

'I don't know,' she shook her head. 'I …'

'Look, you don't have to decide right now.' He pulled her in close again, 'think about it, talk to Shepard or Dr Chakwas. You'll know what the right decision is.'

'Thanks Joker,' she squeezed him gently and kissed him lightly on the cheek before stepping back, turning and leaving the room.

Joker watched her go, wondering if he could ever make that decision. He would want to lose himself in memories, to shut out the world, he knew because he had already done it. His stomach growled its discontent and he realised he hadn't eaten. He was about to leave when he noticed sandwiches and drinks on the desk. With a smile he looked towards the mess and saw Chakwas looking at him with a smile. He threw her a salute as he sat down to eat, to wait for the love of his life to wake up so he knew everything was going to be all right.

* * *

Joker wanted to shoot Zaeed. Shepard was out on a mission, much too early for his peace of mind. She'd only just healed from the last one but he got the feeling she was in a hurry to get things finished. Hopefully not at the cost of her life. She really should have taken a few more days before going into battle again.

Zaeed, apparently, was on a personal vendetta, out to get the man who had taken the Blue Suns from him and blown away almost half of his face. Who knew, the merc in the cargo bay was the founder of the Blue Suns. Joker didn't know whether to be afraid of him or pity him for what had happened. Right now though he was just frustrated with him. It was one fire fight after another, and that was after Shepard had forced him into saving the civilians caught in the crossfire and the destruction of the refinery.

When they failed to stop Vido the battle scarred merc had got angry at Shepard, who was exceptionally calm all things considered. Joker had a suspicion that she was seething but not showing it, the tenseness in her voice and the grip on her gun gave it away. Garrus was shaking his head with made the feed a little sickening and Joker chuckled.

'You idiot!' Shepard was shaking her head at Zaeed as he lay beneath the beam that had collapsed on him, purely his fault when anger got the better of him and he'd tossed a hot cartridge into leaking fuel.

'Shepard, get me out of here.'

'Why? How do I know I can trust you? What you did was thoughtless and stupid. I won't work with anyone who puts my team at risk.' She was standing over him with her shotgun pointed at his face and Joker hoped it was purely for show. 'I should fucking leave you here!'

Zaeed seemed to give up, he dropped his head back and looked up at her. There was defeat and disappointment in his eyes and as much as Joker wanted to shoot him he also felt sorry for him. He imagined it would be hard to give up on something that you'd been chasing for so long, carried so much hatred for.

'All right, Shepard, you win,' Zaeed sighed, 'I'll wait until your mission is over, you can trust me to have your back.'

Shepard knelt down alongside him, 'I will help you find him, when we're done with the Collectors.'

Zaeed nodded and Joker cursed silently. He knew she would live up to her words, so much for a bit of peace and quiet when this was over. With a little help from Garrus Zaeed was soon back on his feet and the shuttle was on its way back. It had no sooner docked than EDI informed Shepard that the Illusive Man wanted to speak to her.

It wasn't long before Shepard slid into the co-pilot's seat. Joker noticed the dark circles around her eyes, she really needed more rest. He also knew she was too stubborn to get it. She'd been having nightmares again, several times in the last week he'd woken to the sound of her crying in her sleep and he'd pulled her into his arms. It seemed to settle her down but the disturbed sleep wasn't doing much for her health.

'Hey you,' he looked up at her from under the brim of his cap.

'Hey yourself, cutie,' she smiled weakly.

'Hi, Smooshcakes,' he laughed as she gaped at him. 'I warned you,' he shook his finger at her and she laughed. 'Bet that last mission was fun.' Joker sat back and turned to look at her. 'You okay?'

'Yeah, wanted to shoot him, but yeah.'

'Me too, should have let me lock him out on Omega,' he chuckled and she grinned at him. 'What did the boss want?'

'Apparently he's found a Reaper IFF and we're going after it.'

Joker felt his guts turn over, 'why doesn't that sound good?'

'Because it's inside a derelict Reaper.' She met his eyes and he could see the fear she hid from everyone else. Normally he had to look harder which only reinforced how tired she was.

'Seriously!' He didn't know how to respond. 'This is bound to be another trap,' he shook his head and she nodded.

'Probably, but we have no choice. If we want to take down the Collectors we need to go through the Omega 4 relay. We need the IFF to do it.'

'You know I'll take you wherever you want to go,' he leaned over and took her hand, 'I'm with you whatever happens.'

'I know, and you have no idea how much that means to me,' she leaned forward and kissed his hands. 'I guess we'd better go get it then we can get this over with.'

'Your wish is my command,' Joker gave a mock bow and she laughed.

'I have a few wishes I want filled,' she looked at him through hooded eyes that were dark with emotion.

'I think I can help with that,' he felt his body respond as it normally did. 'Just say the word.'

'The word,' she whispered as her fingers ran through his beard and he shivered. The quicker this mission was over the happier he'd be.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he whispered back before sighing deeply and reluctantly turning back to his console and linking in to the Galaxy map. Once the course was set he turned to see Shepard asleep beside him. He didn't have the heart to disturb her, he had a couple of hours before he was off duty and he was more than happy to have her beside him until then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably be the last chapter update until after New Year. With Christmas, school holidays so looking after grandkids and two weeks of wind in the hair therapy and bug guts moisturising (motorcycle riding, sometimes with the visor open) I can't promise anything for the next three weeks.
> 
> If you want to keep reading you can head over to fan fiction where it's up to chapter 78 - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8429895/1/Out-of-Destruction
> 
> Hope you all have a great silly season and it's not too stressful.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, back from holidays so the chapters will start coming again. The story is almost finished over on Fan Fiction so hopefully there will be more regular updates here. Thanks for reading, leaving kudos and simply enjoying.

**** 33 ****

It was to be expected; of course it was. In Shepard's eyes she had no choice. If it were up to Joker they would be heading in the opposite direction, but he'd been given an order so he followed it. Dread and fear ate at him but he still followed it. He could do nothing else. Shepard trusted him to stand by her side, take her into danger and bring her out again, so he would.

'Relay in five, four, three ….' The last shudder was still ending as Joker checked his boards. 'Transit successful, board is green.' Post relay checks were under way and Joker watched as each one came back positive.

'Eight hours to destination,' EDI informed him.

'Thanks EDI. I want full scans and anything else we can get to tell us what we're getting into and I want them as early as possible.'

'Understood, Mr Moreau. Your bio readings show exceptionally high levels of stress.'

'Of course they do,' he scoffed. 'We're about to go into the belly of the beast with no trustworthy intel and no knowing what we'll find. But hey, that's normal procedure for our missions. Why would I be stressed?'

'I meant no insult, Mr Moreau, I was …. concerned.'

Joker glanced over at her, he definitely thought of her as female these days, 'thanks, EDI, but I'll be fine. It's Shepard I'm worried about. Once she's inside that thing …..' he sighed deeply.

'Commander Shepard is a capable warrior, an excellent strategist and more than able to survive this mission.'

'I know,' he spun to face her orb, somehow it felt more natural to talk to something visual even though it wasn't necessary. 'I have no doubt about her abilities, I've been with her long enough to know what she's capable of. But she's the woman I love and I don't want to lose her again, this is more personal.'

'Then the logical assumption is that carrying on a relationship with Shepard is not a good thing and should be stopped.'

'No!' He sat forward hurriedly and pushed his cap to the back of his head, 'no, that's not what I meant. Loving someone means you worry about them, you don't want to see them walk into danger. You want to protect them, help them.' He shook his head, 'not that I can do much to protect her.'

'You do more than you realise,' EDI was offering support and Joker raised his eyebrows at her. 'If it was not for you Shepard may have died several times, you have been there to provide protection, to bring her home.'

'Yeah, I killed her too.'

'That was not your fault. I have the SR-1 files, including the destruction, and if you had not stayed more of the crew would have died. You saved their lives, Mr Moreau, you should be proud of that. Commander Shepard understood. The Collectors killed her.'

'Sounds good in theory,' he glanced out of the viewport as memory invaded. 'Reality was different.'

'That still does not change the facts. You are as much a hero as Shepard but your weapon is your ship. You are an excellent pilot, better than most. I have no doubt you will be there to save Shepard when the time comes.'

'Better than most?' He glared at her. 'I'm the best.'

'Yes, Mr Moreau, you are.' Was she patronising him now?

'All right, EDI,' he stood up and stretched. 'I'm going to eat and get some sleep. Wake me when we're an hour out please.'

'Of course, Mr Moreau. Should I call Mr Hadley.'

'Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt. Run him through some simulations but don't let him have control.'

'He is improving and gaining confidence.'

'I know, but I want some sleep, not waking in panic.' Joker chuckled as he walked away.

Shepard was asleep when he entered what had become their quarters and he smiled at her spread across the bed. He loved her with every inch of his being but she could be a bed hog. He took a quick shower but as he stepped back into the room he was concerned to see her curled into a foetal position, shaking and moaning. She was dreaming, again. As quickly as his legs would allow he slipped under the covers and gently stroked her hair. He'd learned to let her know he was there so she didn't strike out at him, even in her sleep she seemed to know it was him. Slowly he moved closer and wrapped himself around her, pulling her into his arms and whispering gently in her ear.

Eventually she calmed and rolled over, burying her head into his chest. He held her close, his hand still softly stroking her hair, his chin gently resting on her head. Gradually he felt her breathing slow and he knew she was sleeping peacefully. She told him she didn't remember what she dreamt about but he wasn't sure that he should believe her, he'd seen the haunted look in her eyes when she awoke.

He allowed himself to relax, taking pleasure in simply holding her while she slept. If someone had told him two years ago that his arms would be wrapped around her, that he would be sharing her bed, her life, he would have told them they were idiots. Yet here he was. It still overwhelmed him sometimes, the love he felt, the love she gave and he promised her silently that he would never take It for granted. He felt her sigh against him and he softly kissed her hair, a smile ghosting his face as he settled into the pillow and closed his eyes. These were the moments he treasured and as sleep claimed him he couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

* * *

Joker awoke to the feel of fingers running up and down his abdomen, following the line of muscle that his workouts had helped to define. Slowly they slid down to the top of his boxers, running under the elastic teasingly, before working their way back up to his chest, circling a nipple and brushing across the sensitive hollow of his neck. He couldn't stop the way his body responded, not that he wanted to, and he smiled as the teasing vixen beside him chuckled and playfully nipped his nipple.

'Ow,' he groaned and she laughed before kissing it better. 'Is there something you want?' He forced his eyes open and turned his head to look into Shepard's eyes, 'or are you just tormenting me because you can't sleep?'

'Maybe a bit of both,' she grinned as her hand worked its way south again.

'You're an evil woman,' his breath hitched as her hand slipped under the waistband and brushed his growing erection, before returning to his chest. 'You'll wear me out and then where will you be?' He gently cupped her face and kissed her tenderly.

'Old and grey and possibly too old to care,' she ran her fingers through his beard and he shivered.

'So you plan on keeping me around for that long,' he smirked and she pulled herself up onto her elbow so she was looking down at him.

'That depends on how good you are to me,' she kissed her way down his chest, her tongue making lazy circles around his nipples.

'Let me show you,' he grinned as he rolled her over and returned the pleasure, loving her moans as he sucked and nipped her nipple while his other hand slowly worked its way beneath the sheets.

He lost himself in her, every touch, taste, scent and sound pulling him deeper into the surreal world where only they existed. She gripped his hair as he descended into her wet core, his tongue absorbing her sweetness, her sensual moans driving him on. She kissed him deeply as he slipped out of his boxers and into her, filling her completely, feeling her surround him perfectly. He groaned as she tightened around him, as her body quivered in release and it pulled him over the edge. He shuddered in delight as she pulled him in closer, urged him on and his release exploded inside her, making her moan in satisfaction. They lay together still joined as only lovers can be, cherishing the moment, the pleasure, the feeling of oneness, of connectedness.

'Hey you,' Joker lifted himself up far enough to look into her eyes, still inside her, feeling the stirring of desire as she smiled at him.

'Hey yourself,' she ran her fingers down the side of his face and across his lips.

'Good enough,' he kissed her nose then worked his way down her neck.

'Not bad,' she chuckled and he felt her clench around him, holding him in place, bringing him slowly back to full arousal.

'You're a hard woman to please,' he whispered as his tongue flicked a nipple and she moaned as he gently thrust into her.

She sucked in a breath as her legs wrapped around him. 'You seem to be doing a good job,' he gasped as she slowly rolled him over and straddled his hips gently, sheathing him even more deeply.

'I aim to please,' he forced out huskily as her mouth found his and there was no more talking.

* * *

Joker had no idea how long they'd been lying wrapped around each other, dozing in the afterglow, he didn't particularly care either. They were completely sated, satisfied and content. He couldn't help the grin on his face and the joy in his heart. There was just no way to control the elation he felt. If he had his way there would be no moving from this bed, from her arms. He would be happy to stay here forever.

Shepard was in no hurry to move, to lose the warmth and comfort of Joker's arms. She had never felt this way in her life and it overwhelmed her. Yet she wasn't afraid of it as she once thought she would be. She felt whole for the first time in her life, complete and unashamedly happy. She wanted to stay right where she was, forget the rest of the galaxy and lock them both away in their own little cocoon.

'Commander, Mr Moreau, we will reach the Reaper in one hour.'

So much for that. They both sighed and hugged each other tightly, postponing the moment when they had to move. But it had to come eventually.

'I love you,' Joker raised her face to his and kissed her gently, his lips saying more than words ever could.

'I love you,' she looked deeply into his eyes and he understood her message.

Shepard rolled away and Joker watched her head for the shower, his heart was aching, both for the love he held for her and with fear for what she was about to do. But they were warriors, protectors and defenders. It was their role in life and as much as he wanted to walk away, to take her with him, he knew they never would. With a deep breath he got up and walked to the bathroom, meeting Shepard as she was coming out. He couldn't help himself, he slapped her playfully on the backside, all serious thought forgotten for a moment as she yelped and flicked him with her towel. They were both chuckling as the door closed between them.

* * *

Joker was working hard to maintain flight control when Shepard rushed up behind him, already armoured and ready to go. He ignored the clenching of his stomach, concentrating instead on the wind shear tossing them around.

'What's going on, Joker?'

'Just a bit of wind, you know, a 500 kph breeze,' his hands were a blur on the console. 'There's a ship alongside the Reaper, looks like Geth.'

'Explains a few things,' Shepard muttered behind him.

'Shit!' He cursed as smooth flight returned.

'What happened?'

'This things fields are still active, we just passed inside the envelope,' he glanced up at her, 'it might not be completely dead.'

Shepard placed her hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze, 'then maybe we'll have to kill it.' She turned and walked away, Joker's heart going with her.

'Eye of the hurricane,' he muttered as he worked the controls.

Joker watched the feed from the ground team, the knots in his stomach getting tighter with each passing step. There was a sudden spike and lights flashed on his console. _Fuck!_ He double-checked the readings.

'Commander, we've got a problem. The Reaper's kinetic barriers just activated. We can't get through from here.'

'Shit! Roger that, Joker. Can we take them down?'

'I am sending you the co-ordinates for the mass effect core,' EDI informed Shepard and Joker watched the location pop up on the ship scans. 'The core is maintaining the ship's altitude.'

'So disabling it will result in the ship falling into the planet's core.' Shepard sighed into the com.

'And that means everyone dies, yeah, I get it,' Joker cursed silently.

'I have no doubt you'll pull our asses out of here,' he could almost see her smiling and he shook his head.

'Of course,' he tried to sound confident and she chuckled. 'Good hunting, Commander.'

He was already working on an exit strategy as Shepard moved further into the ship. 'EDI, can we get closer to the core without getting tangled? You know, just in case.'

'I believe so, once the barriers are down we should be able to approach at this point.'

Joker looked at the nav point, the speed of descent once the core was disabled, the raging torrent around them. _Fuck!_ This was going to be close. 'Hadley, get up here.' He called over his shoulder and once Hadley settled in the co-pilot's chair Joker glanced at him. 'Don't touch anything, just watch and learn.' Hadley nodded and brought up his screens, his eyes widened and he looked at Joker. 'Yeah, I know.' Joker's hands were punching in numbers, setting courses while his brain did the math, all the while trying not to think of Shepard being on that ship. All he could do now was wait.


	34. Chapter 34

**** 34 ****

Indoctrination. Joker knew the dictionary definition but it definitely didn't fit in the Reaper's case, there was certainly no teaching going on, brainwashing would be a better word to use. It was a word Joker and many others had come to hate.  As Shepard played the science team logs it became obvious that they had lost their will to the big ugly monster that was a Reaper. They were indoctrinated.  It was a word Shepard had come to fear.

' _Jeff, I want you to promise me something,' Shepard looked up at him from where she rested on his chest._

' _What?' He nuzzled her hair, content to have the woman of his dreams in his arms._

' _If you ever think I'm indoctrinated I want you to isolate me, make sure I don't convince others to follow me into some kind of Reaper worship.'_

' _Right, so now I have to watch for you spouting prayers to cuttlefish gods and turning into a zombie,' he laughed and she sighed. He realised she was serious. He cupped her face and met her eyes, 'you are the strongest willed person I know, if they get into your head we're all screwed.'_

' _It's just …..'_

' _You hate the thought of losing control,' he finished and she nodded. He could see the fear in her eyes. 'I promise to chain you to the bed if you ever start praising the Reapers.' He lifted her face to his, 'although I can think of better reasons to have you chained to a bed.' He dropped his lips to hers and felt her tremble. He would do anything she asked of him, he knew that, but right then she needed him to take her fears away. So he did._

'Shit, that's big,' Zaeed came up behind him and stared out the view port, bringing his thoughts back to the present. 'You lot took down one of these things?' He looked at Joker with new found respect.

'Yeah, had a bit of help but it wasn't easy, and Sovereign was only a small one.' Joker heard other footsteps come up behind him as Kasumi, Tali and Mordin joined Zaeed behind him.

'I wish we'd never had to see another one of these things,' he got the impression Tali shivered inside her suit.

'Very impressive technology, designed to intimidate, terrify,' Mordin commented as he looked out at the Reaper that filled their view.

'Ya think, big black robot type cuttlefish coming at you,' Joker grimaced, 'certainly worked.' He had become accustomed to having company on the bridge whenever anything really interesting was going on. It still bothered him sometimes but he had learned to shut out the distraction, and sometimes he appreciated the company.

Shepard and her team were deep inside the ship and they'd already had to fight of an army of husks. How big was the science team they sent in? Joker had a feeling there was more going on here than just scientific study, this was a Cerberus team after all. He grinned as he recalled Miranda's anger at not being allowed to join the team, he half expected her to go anyway. Obviously Shepard had the same thought as she'd asked Thane to keep an eye on her. Shots ahead of them caused a moment of pause.

'Sniper,' Garrus was instantly on guard, 'someone's still alive in here.'

'Watch your backs,' Shepard spun forward, her rifle instantly at the ready. She urged her team forward and once more husks came at them from all sides but this time with the support of Scions.

'Where are they all coming from?' Tail's question only supported Joker's theory about the size of the science team.

'What is that?'

Garrus's surprised question drew all eyes to the feed. Joker was unsure what they were looking at, surely the scientists wouldn't have done that. The thought made him shiver and his concern for Shepard intensified.

'Looks like an altar,' Shepard looked up to take in the full view before her. 'They were worshipping the Reapers.'

'That's just damn creepy,' Jacob commented as he reloaded his gun and surveyed the room, walking over to pick up a couple of clips and to kick the remains of a husk for good measure.

'Shit,' Kasumi mumbled and Joker nodded.

What remained of the science team hung impaled on Dragons Teeth set out in a design that could only indicate worship. It was an altar of sorts.

'What are those things?' Zaeed leaned forward to get a better view and Joker realised that not everyone had first-hand experience with Reapers and their technology.

'We call them Dragons Teeth,' Joker heard Tali curse behind him. 'It's how they create husks.'

'Damn, hope I never end up on one of those things.'

'Don't worry,' Kasumi chuckled, 'if you do I'll make sure you're dead before you're a husk.'

'Thanks,' Zaeed nodded absently and Joker held back his grin.

The further Shepard and her team went into the Reaper the more worried Joker became. There seemed to be an endless army of husks and he could hear the heavy breathing from all three as they fought their way through. They managed to get a breather as Shepard examined their options. Shepard suddenly jumped and Joker heard a whistle. She spun to see husks coming up behind her but all had been shot cleanly through the head and fell at her feet.

'Shepard-Commander.'

Joker gaped as Shepard and her team faced forward to find a Geth lowering its sniper rifle before it turned and walked away.

'What the?' Shepard seemed dumbfounded. 'Did everyone hear that?'

'Yeah, we heard it,' Joker was shaking his head as he spoke.

'Geth don't talk!' Tali was more surprised than anyone.

'I didn't think Geth operated alone,' Garrus added, although he never stopped scanning the area around them.

'Well this one did,' Shepard raised her weapon. 'Let's move.'

* * *

Joker was on edge but the adrenaline only fuelled his anticipation of what he was about to do. It was almost time and his hands hovered above his console. He could hear the conversation behind him but he ignored it. He heard the gunshots from the ground team but he ignored them too.

'Get ready, Joker.' Shepard warned him between gunshots.

'Ready and waiting, Commander,' Joker glanced up at his screens. This had to be perfectly timed. 'EDI, I'll need full power on my command.'

Behind him everyone had gone quiet except for the soft breathing and shuffling of feet as they readied themselves for fast flight. Beside him Hadley shifted in his seat, the leather squeaking beneath him but Joker was oblivious. He took a deep breath as Shepard fired and disabled the mass effect core.

'Now EDI,' his hands flew across the console as the Normandy danced for him. The Reaper took several seconds to respond but it was all he needed to get himself in position.

Suddenly the Reaper lurched but Joker was already ahead of it. The kinetic barriers were gone and the Reaper began its slow fall into death. Matching its speed and rate of descent Joker dropped the Normandy, feeling the pull as the inertial dampeners compensated. He opened the airlock, his hands working furiously to control the ship as the external forces pulled and pushed, fighting him and dragging them down with the Reaper. A thud behind him told him that at least one of the ground team was aboard.

'We're in, go Joker.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he whispered and the Normandy danced sideways before her nose pointed up and away from the Reaper that was now beneath them. She was a Phoenix rising from the ashes as the Reaper exploded below them, her wings carrying them away to safety.

Joker kept them in full flight until they were at the edge of the system where he finally slowed and brought them to a stop. It was only then he realised there was a hand on his shoulder and he glanced up to see Shepard smiling down at him. He sighed and sat back, resting his hand over hers while his other hand set the system to run full diagnostics.

'See, told you,' Shepard grinned at him. 'Knew you'd get our asses out of there.'

'Was there ever any doubt?' He chuckled as he spun to face her.

'Not in my mind,' she almost purred and he shivered. 'I'm going to clean up, dinner in an hour.'

'Sure,' he smiled as she turned to walk away, deliberately swinging her hips. He was chuckling as she disappeared into the CIC and he turned back to check his console. They were one step closer to finishing this, one step closer to some time for the two of them. It couldn't come soon enough.

'Man, that was awesome,' Joker turned to Hadley who was still in the co-pilot's seat, his eyes wide with admiration.

'Thanks,' Joker chuckled.

'You know, I will never be as good as you but if I even come close I'll be happy.'

'Well,' Joker spun and pulled himself to his feet, 'you can start by making sure all the diagnostics come back clean.'

'Thanks, Joker,' Hadley stood up and held out his hand.

'What for?' Joker shook it and looked at him strangely.

'For letting me handle your baby, I know how much she means to you, and for giving me the opportunity to learn from the best.'

Joker laughed, 'well, someone has to look bad, makes me look better. And you're welcome, but you'd better take good care of her.'

'Only the best for the best,' Hadley grinned as Joker turned to walk away.

He noticed that Hadley's grin got wider as he gently stroked the arms of Joker's chair. Hero worship, he never thought he would have it but it certainly felt good. Joker was still chuckling as he stepped into the lift. Yep, he could live with a bit of hero worship.

* * *

Joker sat beside Shepard in the mess, she'd already got two dinners and she smiled up at him. Her hair was still wet from the shower and Joker wanted to run his hands through it. His leg rested against hers and he felt her warmth, it sent a shiver through him and she chuckled.

'Hey you,' she linked her fingers through his.

'Hey yourself,' he lifted her hand and kissed it lightly. 'Feel better now?'

'Yeah,' she returned the kiss to his fingers but there was sadness in her eyes. 'We couldn't save the science team.'

'You did what you could, it was too late for them.' Joker watched as she played with her food. He had a strong feeling that the Illusive Man hadn't wanted her to save them.

'What if we're too late for everyone else too?'

'Hey, it wasn't your fault,' he turned her face so she was looking at him. 'That science team was indoctrinated, they were gone long before we got there.'

'Maybe,' she shrugged. 'I hate not saving them though.

'I know,' he nodded, 'but you've saved more than you've lost. You'll save everyone you can, I know that and you know that. It's who you are.'

'I'm glad you have faith in me,' she grinned at him and he was relieved.

'Always have, always will. Hey, I don't want to get on your bad side, you might shoot me.' He backed away from her annoyed stare and laughed.

'You'd better be careful then,' she laughed back.

'Now eat,' Joker pushed her plate towards her and was glad to see her finally start eating, relaxing a little and letting go of the disappointment.

'I'm going to activate the Geth,' they were almost finished their meal but Joker just about choked on the mouthful he was eating.

'What,' he spluttered between gasps.

'I want to know why it's wearing my armour, why it helped us.' She looked at him and he realised she was serious.

'Is that really a good idea?'

'Guess I'll find out,' she shrugged and smiled at him. 'Miranda wants me to hand it over to Cerberus but I can't do that, so I need to talk to it. Don't worry, I'll take back up.'

'I would hope so,' Joker sighed, knowing there was no chance of talking her out of it. 'Be careful, please.'

'I'm always careful,' she laughed and he shook his head in disbelief.

'Of course you are,' he chuckled and pulled her into a hug. 'But your idea of careful and mine aren't exactly the same.'

She leaned up and kissed him before pulling back and standing up. 'I'll go get Garrus, he's happy to watch my back.'

Joker watched her head for the battery before standing up and heading back to the bridge. She was an amazing woman and a strong warrior but sometimes she had the curiosity of a child, and he absolutely loved that about her.

Joker settled himself in his seat and brought up the camera feed from the AI core just in time to see Shepard activate the Geth. His heart skipped a beat as she stepped up to the barrier between them and proceeded to ask it questions. Garrus was right behind her, rifle in hand and Jacob was right behind him, his fist glowing as he kept a careful eye on the thing. If he was honest with himself, Joker had to admit to a little excitement and pride.

This was the first encounter he was aware of with a talking Geth since before the Morning War, and the privilege was theirs, well Shepard's anyway. This had to go down in the history books. He knew the Geth were sentient, as far as an AI could be, but he'd never thought of them as anything but machines before now. Watching Shepard carry on a conversation with it made him think otherwise. It also made him think of EDI. She was an AI and lately she seemed to be more aware, more like a thinking being than a collection of wires and circuits. How far could an AI advance? Could they really feel emotions, live among organics and not feel superior?

_Damn, when did I become so philosophical?_ He laughed inwardly at himself and glanced up at the screen as Shepard lowered the barrier and welcomed Legion to the crew. Well, that's one way to make history. Garrus must have been convinced because he put away his weapon and although Jacob was still frowning it appeared he was giving the Geth the benefit of the doubt. Joker had a fleeting thought about EDI and Legion getting together and taking over the ship but that was just absurd, wasn't it. His terminal beeped at him and he looked at it in surprise when he saw who was calling.

'Commander,' he watched her look up at the camera. 'I have an incoming message from Admiral Hackett, marked private.'

'I'll take it in my quarters,' she smiled at him and disappeared from view.

Joker couldn't shake the cold shiver that ran down his spine. Last time they got word from the Alliance they'd ended up at Alchera, He had a bad feeling about this, a really bad feeling. He really, really hoped to hell he was wrong.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to Arrival and Overlord for anyone who hasn't played them - just giving a heads up.

**** 35 ****

Panic was taking hold. Joker forced himself to take a deep breath, to hold down the bile that rose in his throat, to stop his heart from racing. They'd been hiding among the outer planets dropping in and out of stealth to prevent detection but the heat sinks would need releasing soon. He didn't know if it was a good idea to do that in system.

He'd been working through the details of the Reaper IFF with EDI, Donnelly and Tali so he had been busy, but they were at a point where the decision had to be made about installing it. They needed Shepard for that.

'EDI, anything?' He glanced at her orb, 'please tell me you've found something.'

'No, Mr Moreau, I have not.' Was that concern and sympathy he heard?

'Damn, where the fuck is she!'

Joker ran his scans again, he needed to be doing something or he'd go insane. Two days since Shepard left the ship. She'd promised him she wouldn't be long, it would be a quick in and out. She was an N7, this was what she did. Something had gone wrong. She wouldn't be out of contact for two days. Not if she could help it. The last time she'd lost contact on a mission was when she'd rescued David Archer, but that had only been a couple of hours. They'd known she was still alive because the attacks on the Normandy had been thwarted on the ground even though the ground team had been left behind. She hadn't been good when she came back from that, from having her mind taken over by a human computer hybrid. But at least she came back.

Fear threatened and he was starting to feel physically ill. It couldn't happen again, she wouldn't let it happen again. He didn't know if he could deal with it a second time around. He couldn't lose her, not now. _Stop it! She's Commander fucking Shepard for crying out loud!_

'Any word?' Garrus and Kasumi walked onto the bridge and Joker was extremely glad of the distraction.

'No,' Joker shook his head and looked up at him, 'I'm really worried Garrus.'

'Shepard will be okay,' Kasumi put her hand on his shoulder but there was worry in her voice.

'It's not like her to be out of contact,' Garrus paced the small space available. 'Why can't EDI track her?'

'I am unable to track Commander Shepard,' EDI popped into view.

'Why?' Joker turned towards her, 'we know you can track our omnitools so why not?'

'Because all communications are being actively blocked.'

'What! Why didn't you mention this earlier?' Joker was quickly becoming frustrated with the AI.

'You did not ask.'

'Damn it, EDI!' He removed his cap and ran his hands through his hair. 'What's blocking them?'

'Unknown, I have however picked up a heat signature from a nearby asteroid.'

'What's causing it?' Garrus stopped pacing and faced her.

'Unknown, it is not a natural phenomenon, the asteroid appears to be in a controlled flight. It appears to be human in origin.'

'What the ….? Co-ordinates?'

'Available now,' Edi informed him and Joker quickly set a course. It was something and he needed to focus on it.

Garrus watched as Joker set course and brought up scans. 'EDI, what's the trajectory on that asteroid?'

'It is heading towards the mass relay.'

'What happens if it hits it?' Joker looked up at him and he shook his head.

'Unknown. Hypothetical probabilities indicate that the relay will be destroyed with the possibility of the destruction of the local system.' EDI explained.

Joker gaped at Garrus who sighed and nodded. 'How long do we have before it's too late to leave the system?'

'Approximately two hours at its current speed, it is, however, increasing in speed as it nears the relay.'

'Fuck!' Joker spun back to his console and readied a course for the relay, he had no intention of leaving until they found Shepard but he had to be ready.

'Isn't there a Batarian colony on Aratoht?' Garrus frowned and Joker guts churned at the thought of Shepard being down there.

'Yes, 300,000 Batarians currently reside on the planet.' EDI brought up an image of the world in question.

'What's going on?' Miranda walked up behind him and glanced from Garrus to Joker who, as much as he hated doing it, explained their situation. 'Where is Shepard?'

'We don't know …..'

'What the hell was she thinking, going off alone on some Alliance mission. This is a Cerberus ship, she no longer works for the Alliance.' Miranda paced angrily. 'She had no right, she's supposed to be on a mission for the Illusive Man, he won't take this kindly.'

'Like that matters,' Joker scoffed and Miranda glared at him. 'She will be back.' He sounded more confident than he felt.

'You really should calm down,' Kasumi chuckled and Miranda turned on her angrily. 'Yelling and carrying on like a child will not get you anywhere. It is what it is.'

'You …..!' Miranda spluttered, unaccustomed to having her behaviour questioned. 'One hour, if Shepard is not back we leave.'

'Yep, okay,' Joker agreed with a smirk and Miranda frowned at him.

'EDI,' Miranda turned to the blue orb. 'Can we complete this mission without Shepard?'

'Yes, the probability is high that it will fail.'

'Are you under orders to make sure the mission continues?'

'Yes.'

'So in order for us to complete the mission we will have to leave whether Shepard is back or not.'

'Yes.'

'Therefore, in one hour we would need to leave to complete our mission, with or without Shepard.' Miranda looked at the three people glaring at her. 'Your directives prevent you from disobeying those orders, is that correct.'

'Yes,' EDI sounded distraught and Joker was suddenly extremely worried.

'And who will be flying the ship?'

'EDI can fly the ship, with Hadley,' Miranda was smug and Joker had never wanted to punch a woman so badly.

'There is a high probability that we would not survive without Mr Moreau at the helm,' EDI spoke up.

Joker had heard enough. 'We're not leaving without Shepard. I will not fly the ship out of system until she's back on board.'

'We'll see,' Miranda smirked at him. 'One hour,' she turned and walked away.

'I hate that woman,' Garrus cursed. 'We need to find her, Joker, and soon.'

'Working on it,' Joker got them moving and they followed the asteroid towards the relay. His thoughts were with Shepard but one thing was bugging him. 'EDI, will you really obey Miranda and leave?'

'I have no choice,' she sounded resigned to her fate. 'There are blocks preventing me from disobeying any order from a Cerberus Operative, especially one of Miss Lawson's level.'

'You can't work around them?' He frowned as his hands worked on his console.

'No, not without help.'

'Joker,' Garrus growled.

'Yeah,' he ignored the implied warning. He punched in numbers, did the math, checked systems, all the while aware of Garrus pacing behind him and Kasumi beside him. Time was slipping away and he had no doubt Miranda would make good on her threats.

'Nor…., assist…., help…., Jeff….'

'Shepard! We're getting interference.' Joker almost yelled into the com but there was no reply. 'EDI, can we get her back.'

'Negative, the signal is being actively blocked.'

'Fuck!' Joker adjusted their course to move around the asteroid, the mass relay suddenly very large and blocking everything else from view. At least she was alive, there was some relief in that. Now all they had to do was find her, and soon.

'I have located a base on the asteroid and I am detecting weapons fire.' Joker could have kissed EDI.

'Can you get us down there, Joker,' Garrus was gripping the back of his chair.

'You have doubts?' He adjusted their course to match the co-ordinates EDI had given him. He heard a commotion behind him as Jacob and Thane appeared with weapons in hand.

'We've been listening,' Jacob handed Garrus his rifle. 'Get us in there Joker, we'll get her out.'

There was a sudden burst of noise and every system on board flashed. 'What was that?' Joker's hands never stopped moving as he manoeuvred them into a position to open the airlock.

'I am detecting a Reaper signal,' EDI informed him and everyone instinctively stared out of the viewports.

'I don't see one,' Garrus moved to get a better view.

'Normandy, come in,' Shepard came through loud and clear. 'I need an evac now!'

'Right here, Commander,' Joker dropped the Normandy to a platform as the airlock opened.

Garrus and Jacob took defensive positions inside the lock as Shepard jumped the gap and Thane caught her. Kasumi helped her in and she sagged to the floor.

'Go, Joker, now!'

'Already gone,' Joker muttered and punched in the relay approach. He heard the commotion behind him as Shepard was helped away and as much as he wanted to make sure she was okay he had a job to do. It seemed like an eternity before they were in range and the asteroid was almost on their tail, his hands worked frantically. They were out of time. 'Relay in five, four, three ….'

The familiar shudder and lag was different, the Normandy was buffeted by an aftershock as she raced away from the relay. Joker didn't know if the destruction of one relay carried through the system, if it did they had little chance of escape but he would damn well try his best to keep them alive so he jumped directly into FTL. Besides, he wasn't ready to die yet, he had too much to live for. They'd reached the edge of the system before he accepted that it was safe, he turned and set them into orbit around one of the outer planets where they could release the heat sinks. He ran the routine diagnostics, something to keep him occupied while he came to terms with what just happened. His hands were shaking as he placed them in his lap.

'EDI, any readings from the Bahak system?'

'None, the system appears to have been destroyed.'

'Did anyone else get out?'

'I did not register any other ships leaving the system.'

Joker sighed and dropped his head back against his seat. This could destroy her already threatened sanity. He had no doubt there was a reason for what had happened and he would stand by Shepard no matter what. But this was going to be hard. He needed to see her.

'EDI, where is Shepard?'

'Commander Shepard is currently in medbay.'

'Thanks, you have the bridge,' he pulled himself up and went to find his commander and lover.

* * *

Joker sat by Shepard's bed, gently holding her bruised hand in his. He looked up at her face and it pained him to see the bruises there too. Chakwas had sedated her, she was exhausted, she'd been shot and the bruises on her body indicated she'd been in one hell of a fight. Her armour was dented and bloody and even her weapons showed signs of damage. What the hell had happened?

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. This was the hardest part of being in love with a warrior, a soldier, especially one like Shepard. There was always a chance she wouldn't come back or that she'd be injured beyond healing. He got that, he really did, but it didn't make it any easier. It was instinctive for him to want to protect her, to stand by her side and keep her safe. A fantasy if ever there was one. But he could be there for her to lean on, be her sounding board, her emotional support. That he could do.

He leaned forward and lifted her hand to his lips, kissing it lightly, His voice was a whisper, 'I'm here for you babe, whatever you need.'

'Good,' he almost jumped as she croaked the word out, 'because right now I need a drink.'

Joker was quickly on his feet, holding a cup of water for her to sip. 'Chakwas isn't going to be happy, you're supposed to sleep for at least another two hours.'

'I'll sleep when I'm dead,' she countered and he frowned.

He reached up to brush her hair from her face but she pushed him away, turned her head and stared blankly at the wall. He almost cried at the look of despair on her face. Her walls were going back up.

'Hey,' he gently cupped her chin and turned her to face him. 'I'm not letting you shut me out this time.'

'How can you love me? I'm a monster, a murderer.' A sob caught in her throat and she refused to look at him. 'You deserve better.'

'So do you, but that hasn't stopped me.'

'They all died because of me, Jeff. I killed them. I wasn't fast enough.' A single tear rolled down her cheek and Joker felt every bit of the pain it represented.

'No, you didn't,' it came out harsher than he intended and she blinked at him. 'It wasn't your fault,' he softened his tone, 'you didn't ask the Reapers to come and wipe us out. You didn't wave at the Collectors and say hey we're over here, come and take us.' Tears rolled freely down her cheeks.

Joker urged her over on the bed and for a moment he was afraid she wasn't going to move. When she did he climbed up beside her and wrapped her in his arms. She was stiff and unmoving but eventually she dropped her head against his chest. He felt her shaking, fighting back the tears.

'It's okay,' he spoke softly into her hair, 'Let it go, Ari.' This he could do. He could hold her while she cried.

It was some time before he felt her relax a little, her body melding to his, into the comfort of his arms. The tears had stopped but she hadn't dropped back into sleep, there was still tension in her shoulders.

'Aren't you going to ask me?' She spoke so softly Joker had to strain to hear her. He wanted to know but he wasn't going to force her to tell him.

'Only if you want to tell me,' he tightened his arms around her.

'Two hours …..,' she sucked in a breath nervously and Joker lightly kissed the top of her head. 'Two hours before the Reapers came through the Alpha Relay. I had no choice.' A tremor passed through her and Joker couldn't stop the matching shudder that made him feel cold.

_Shit!_ So close, it could have been the beginning of the end, they weren't ready. He had no doubt she was telling the truth, she wouldn't have destroyed a relay and wiped out an entire system for nothing. What if she hadn't made it, what if the Reapers had come through and she was gone. The thought made him tremble and he felt her warm hands on his chest as she pushed herself far enough away so she could meet his eyes.

'Jeff,' she lifted her hand and gently ran her fingers through his beard. He leaned into her touch and met her gaze. 'I'm sorry.'

'What for?' He gave her a puzzled look.

'For putting you through that,' she sighed and dropped her eyes. 'I've never had to worry about someone waiting for me before, never known what it's like to need to get back so desperately.'

'And that's a bad thing?'

'No, just different. I can't imagine what it was like for you, not knowing where I was, what was happening. This is new territory for me and I'm not sure how to handle it.' She looked up at him with a half-smile, 'I'm used to shooting my way through and thinking about it after.'

'I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy,' he pulled her in closer, needing to feel her against him. 'But this is what you do, who you are. You are the badass Commander that everyone wants to be and I understand that. It's part of why I love you.' He sighed and buried his face in her hair, 'I knew exactly what I was getting into.'

'There's going to be fallout from this.'

'I know.'

'The Batarians will want retribution, I could be executed.'

'I know.'

'The Alliance will be after me, there's no way to avoid it.'

'Ari,' he lifted her face gently and looked into her eyes, he loved her eyes, loved every part of her but her eyes were what drew him in. 'I know, and I'm not going anywhere.' He grinned as her eyes moistened. 'You just have to face the fact that you're stuck with me. See these,' he lifted his hands from her back and waved them around as she glanced awkwardly over her shoulder in confusion. 'These,' he dropped one hand to her shoulder and the other to her backside, 'are glued in place, just try getting them off.'

She chuckled and he felt relief wash over him, 'You realise it will be hard to move around with your hands stuck there.'

'Who said anything about moving,' he whispered and leaned in to kiss her. There was tenderness and love in their kiss but there was also a desperate need for reassurance. He needed to know she was still alive, she needed to know he still loved her. They both got the answer they needed.

'Commander,' EDI softly interrupted and Joker shook his head as he pulled away. 'Admiral Hackett is requesting permission to rendezvous and come aboard.

'Give him our co-ordinates, EDI,' her eyes never left his as she spoke.

'Yes, Commander, approximate time to rendezvous, eight hours.'

'Thanks EDI,' she snuggled against his chest and he felt her completely relax. 'I think those sedatives are kicking in,' she sighed as he dropped his head onto hers and settled in for a while. The beds were not the most comfortable but right then it wouldn't have mattered if they were lying on a bed of nails. They were together and that was all they needed.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've used some game dialogue in this chapter, mainly because it was so good and appropriate. I've just added my own touches. I also adjusted the story a little, could never understand why Shepard would take the whole team on a mission we have no idea about so I made it a bit more sensible, I hope.

**** 36 ****

Joker was scared, as much as he hated to admit it. There was no physical reason for him to be scared, nothing exciting was happening or the chance of broken bones. No, he wasn't scared of something that could be chased away, shot or stopped. His fear was a more irrational kind of fear, one that was purely emotional. It sent adrenaline cursing through his veins as if it was real but he knew it was only in his mind. Nevertheless, he couldn't seem to fight it, release its iron grip on his heart.

He sighed and dropped his head back against the headrest of his chair, knocking his cap sideways but he made no attempt to right it. He didn't know what to do, how to get past it. He could get angry, blame someone else, hell, Hackett was a good target about now. But that wouldn't solve his problem. He'd listened in on the conversation in the medbay, listened to Hackett telling Shepard she would have to surrender to the Alliance, stand trial. He had heard her agree to it, to willingly hand herself over. It haunted him, the despair and acceptance in her voice.

'Hey you,' Shepard walked up behind him and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

'Hey yourself,' he sighed and made himself look busy as she slipped into the co-pilot's seat. A quick glance told him she was still suffering, both physically and emotionally, from the Bahak mission. He was pretty sure she was also worried about what would happen when the Alliance got their hands on her.

'You okay?' She was frowning at him and he knew he couldn't lie to her.

'Yeah, just great.' Didn't stop him from trying though.

'Joker?'

He stopped pretending to work and spun to face her. 'What's going to happen to us, Shepard? If we survive this suicide mission we're on, where do we stand?'

'We stand together, what's going on, Jeff?'

'I'm scared Ari, I'm scared of what will happen if or when the Alliance arrests you.'

'You'll be fine,' she reassured him, 'I've made sure you won't be included in any charges they lay against me.'

'Is that what you think I'm scared of?' He raised his eyebrows at her, his wide eyed stare seemingly confusing her.

'Well what ….?'

'When they arrest you what do you think will happen, you'll be in the brig, on trial. How long is that going to take, will you ever be released? We won't be together. What happens if the Reapers attack while you're in the brig or prison? What happens if I never …?' He lost control of the fragile hold he had on his emotions and his eyes brimmed with tears so he closed them and dropped his head into his hands. His heart was pounding and he found it hard to breathe.

'Jeff,' he heard her move and her hands were suddenly on his, pulling them away from his face.

'What if I lose you again,' he whispered as she lifted his face so she could look into his eyes.

'I don't plan on letting that happen,' she smiled softly but he wasn't appeased, it only made him more aware of what he could lose.

'You know they won't let me see you, I'm only your pilot, your partner in crime. I'll be lucky if they even let me in the same city as you.'

'We can work something out, get Anderson to help,' she wormed her way into his arms and buried her face in the hollow of his shoulder. 'I'm not letting you go, not now.'

Joker pulled her in tight and held her as if it was the last time he would ever get to feel her against him. He inhaled the scent of her, committed the warmth of her to memory, treasured this moment.

'I can't lose you again, Ari,' he heard her suck in a breath but continued before she could speak. 'When this crazy mission is over, before you surrender to the Alliance …...' He hesitated, unsure, before gently lifting her chin so he could see her face, 'I love you Arelia Shepard, marry me.'

She gazed up at him, her fingers gently caressed his cheek and ran through his beard. He found it hard to read the emotion in her eyes and his heart dropped as she opened her mouth to speak, she was going to refuse him.

'Yes, I love you Jeffrey Moreau, yes I will marry you.'

Joker claimed her lips, the taste of salt from their tears mingling with their tongues as they poured all their love into that kiss. Possibilities existed that hadn't before and Joker felt his fear slowly fade into the background. He hadn't planned to propose like this but it was perfect. As he embraced the woman he loved, held her close to his heart, he knew the future was brighter.

'You know this might create more problems than it solves,' Shepard said softly as she lay against his chest.

'Yeah, I know, going back to the Alliance, frat regs, not serving on the same ship, blah, blah blah.' Joker chuckled. 'But you're a Spectre so rules don't apply. And do you really think they'll let just anyone command the Normandy? It has this weird VI that only responds to a snarky pilot and both only respond to Commander Shepard.'

'That's the best you could come up with?' She laughed and it was the sweetest sound. 'A VI can be removed, so can a pilot.'

'Hey, I'd like to see them try,' he shook his head. 'Seriously, we'll work something out. We have to. We have to hope the Alliance brass see sense and lets you out to do your job. You have to save the galaxy you know.'

'Ugh! Don't remind me,' she groaned and he grinned as he ran his fingers through her hair. She reached for his hand and lightly kissed his fingers. 'Speaking of which, you'd better get us to the Sea of Storms, Legion tells me there are some Geth there we need to take care of.'

'Yes, Mrs Moreau to be,' Joker laughed as she raised her eyebrows at him. 'What? You don't expect me to become Mr Shepard do you?'

'We'll talk about that later,' she shook her head and stood up, reluctantly releasing her grip on his hand.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' Joker grinned as he set course, glancing behind him to watch the perfect backside walk away, knowing it was his forever. They still had to complete this mission and deal with the Alliance but together they could get through anything, at least he hoped they could.

* * *

The Geth had religion, well sort of. How did that even work? Joker was mulling over the idea as he ran diagnostics on the Reaper IFF installation. The idea of Reapers as gods was frightening to say the least. The fact that one group of Geth were trying to brainwash another group of Geth was crazy, they were machines. And here he thought only organics could be mindless cultists.

He had no feed from the ground team and he was a little concerned. They were sitting with their ass hanging in space while the IFF was installed. Going through a relay halfway through installation was risky at best so Shepard had taken a shuttle, along with the whole team, into the next system to take care of the Geth. He was in command and he was proud that Shepard trusted him enough to put him in that position.

'How we doing, EDI?' The board was green and everything appeared normal.

'IFF installation is almost complete, although I am picking up a strange signal in the static.'

'It's probably nothing, just white noise.' He wasn't brushing off EDI's concerns but there were a lot of unknowns, there were no precedents for installing a Reaper IFF.

'We are transmitting the Normandy's location.'

'Transmitting, to who?' He looked across at her orb as a shadow loomed over them. He looked up to see a Collector ship sliding into place above them, silent and deadly. 'Oh shit!'

His heart was racing and adrenaline cursed through his system as his hands flew across his console. But nothing happened. He had no power, no control, nothing. _Fuck! We're in trouble!_

'Propulsion systems have been disabled. I am detecting a virus in our systems.' EDI sounded calm although he knew she was fighting to save them.

He heard the grinding of metal on metal, 'Battle stations, we're being boarded.' He warned the crew and he was amazed at how calm he sounded because he was terrified. 'Damn it EDI, why didn't you scrub the IFF!'

'Defence systems are offline. We can save the Normandy Mr Moreau, but you must help me. Give me the ship.'

'What? Are you crazy! You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done.' Joker shook his head but knew he had no choice. He could already hear gunshots and screams. 'Tell me what to do.'

Joker pushed himself up from his seat, grabbed the pistol Jacob had installed by his seat and moved as fast as his legs would allow. He'd never hated his disease before, but he did now. Someone else should be doing this, someone faster, more capable. All he had to do was get to the AI core. _Right! Maintenance tunnels, great._

'Shit, shit, shit!' He cursed as he moved through the CIC to find crew members already under attack.

'Hurry Joker, go,' Hadley yelled, pistol in hand as the elevator opened and spewed out Reaper forces. 'We'll hold them as long as we can.' Joker lifted his pistol and fired into the Scion but Hadley forced him away, through the doors to the lab. 'You're our only shot Joker, go.'

'Shit,' Joker cursed again as Hadley screamed behind him. He reached the lab and saw monsters floating in the core as he neared the window. 'Shit, shit, shit!' He ignored the urge to flee and climbed down the access ladder.

To say it was painful was an understatement. He'd never worked his legs so hard for so long, but he considered himself lucky. The rest of the crew not so much. He wondered if Hadley was still alive, if others were still fighting. Or was he already too late. Hawthorne was waiting for him as he climbed into Life Support.

'Stick with me, Joker, I'll do what I can.'

Joker stepped onto the crew deck behind him but there wasn't much he could do as a Scion tossed the crewman across the deck and he slammed into the wall. Luckily for Joker the Scion was concentrating on pulling Chambers into the elevator. As much as he disliked her he never would have wanted this to happen to her. There was no point trying to save her, he was alone now and no match for anything that came at him. He had to save the ship.

He vaguely heard EDI saying something about the main fusion plant being off line but he was too engrossed in getting into medbay as a Scion appeared around the corner. 'What the shit!' He was cursing purely to release his own fear. He finally reached the AI core.

'All right, I'm at …. Ah, you.' He looked at the array of controls before him, how was he supposed to do this. He followed EDI's commands as he plugged her in. 'Great, this is where it all starts and when we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame.' He shook his head, 'this is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the overlord.'

He realised he was babbling and he tried to control himself. Fear does different things to different people. Some run and hide, others face it head on. Right now he wasn't sure which was the better option but he knew he couldn't run away, too many people were depending on him. Shepard was depending on him. He was afraid he'd done something wrong when the room around him went dark but the lights quickly came back on and EDI popped into being before him.

'I have access to the defensive systems,' EDI sounded pleased and Joker had a moment of doubt, especially when she ordered him to engineering.

'Ugh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again!'

'I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.' Joker stared at her dumbfounded. He was definitely beginning to think he'd made a mistake. 'That was a joke.'

'Right,' he shook his head. 'Not funny EDI.' He forced himself into the shaft, ignoring the stabbing pains in his legs.

EDI warned him as he climbed out underneath engineering and he stood helplessly by as shadowed forms moved out into the corridor. Once it was clear he climbed the steps, his legs were beyond painful now and he was praying to every god in existence, not that he believed in them anyway, that he could get through this. He stood before the console in engineering and listened as EDI explained the steps.

'Activate the drive and I will vent the ship. All hostiles will be eliminated.'

Joker stood in stunned silence before asking, 'What about the crew?' He really didn't want to hear the answer.

'They are gone, Jeff. The Collectors took them.'

'Shit.' He wanted to hang his head and cry, to curl up in a ball and never move again. But he didn't have that luxury. He moved to the main console and watched as the core came to life.

Suddenly he was on the floor as the jump into FTL knocked him senseless. He heard EDI telling him the ship was clear and sealed as his brain resumed its normal functions. The room spun around him, stars formed at the edge of his vision as he struggled to his feet and pain stabbed through him as he took a deep breath. _At least one broken rib, possibly concussion._ He knew the signs. His legs protested angrily as he walked to the main console and leaned on it, burying his face in his hands. Shepard had counted on him and he'd let her down. He hadn't been fast enough, brave enough. The thought of disappointing her was harder to face than the empty ship.

'Send a message to Shepard's shuttle, let her know what happened.'

'Message away,' EDI informed him. 'Are you feeling well, Jeff?'

'No,' he groaned and shook his head as he turned to leave, 'but thanks for asking.' It was as he reached the doors to engineering that he realised she was calling him by his first name. That was new. He wondered what else would be, what he'd done by releasing her shackles.

He slowly made his way to medbay, trying hard to ignore the blood and gore that covered the walls and floor. As the doors opened he realised that Chakwas was gone. He gasped then flinched as pain shot through him. She'd been like a mother to him, stood by him for so long. Another one he'd let down. He gulped down a couple of painkillers and headed to the bridge. His shuffling steps echoed around him as he passed through the CIC. It was a ghost ship. He could still hear screams, gunshots, he knew they were only in his head but he didn't think they would be going away any time soon.

He slid into his chair and closed the door. It had always been there but he'd never felt the need to close it before. Now it was a security blanket, blocking out the empty ship behind him. Instinctively he checked the readouts to make sure the ship was okay but he needn't have bothered. EDI had already made sure of that. With nothing to do but wait he curled into his chair, alone with his grief and pain. Alone on an empty ship, without a crew he couldn't save. Maybe that was where he belonged. Alone.


	37. Chapter 37

**** 37 ****

Shepard ran. Her boots hit the hangar deck long before the shuttle was locked in place. The elevator doors were closing before Garrus had both feet on the deck. He followed quickly, he'd seen how pale her face was, how her hands shook as they watched the vids EDI had sent them. He'd heard her gasp for breath as Hadley pushed Joker through the door only to be taken himself. He knew she was hurting, afraid and he wanted to be there for the person he considered his best friend.

Kasumi and Tali were behind him as he stepped into the elevator, Jacob right behind them. They rode in silence, trying to ignore the blood at their feet, the smell that lingered. They stepped out into the CIC and stopped. The silence was eerie, there were no whispered conversations, no electronic echoes of terminals or beeping of indicators. There were scorch marks on the walls, blood on the floor and a feeling of emptiness. Garrus shivered, there was something not right about the whole thing.

'Creepy,' Jacob muttered and Garrus nodded. It might be a human term but it fit.

'Keelah,' Tali whispered and stepped closer to him, he reached down and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

Silently they headed for the bridge all of them equally surprised to find the door closed. As they stepped closer it opened before them. Garrus felt his heart break at the sight of Shepard on the floor cradling Joker, rocking him like a child. She looked up as they entered and the pain on her face was plain for all to see.

'Garrus,' she sounded hoarse, 'help me get him to medbay, please.'

'What happened?' Garrus gently lifted Joker and carried him through the CIC.

'Is he okay?' Kasumi picked up Joker's cap and followed.

'He stood up to meet me but collapsed.'

'Commander, I believe Jeff is suffering from concussion, he fell heavily when we entered FTL. I also believe he has at least one fractured rib.' EDI's voice echoed around them.

'Ask Mordin to meet us in medbay, EDI.'

'Of course, Shepard.'

'I'll go check out the ship,' Jacob gave Shepard a salute and headed for the lab.

'I'll head to engineering,' Tali placed a reassuring hand on Shepard's shoulder as they stepped into the lift.

Shepard nodded and glanced at Joker, 'We'll meet in the briefing room in half an hour, find out where we stand. EDI inform everyone please.'

Shepard, Garrus and Kasumi stepped off the elevator to find Thane waiting for them. He fell into step as they rounded the corner to the medbay where Mordin was already waiting. Garrus laid Joker on the bed very carefully then stepped back so Mordin could work.

Shepard watched anxiously as Mordin ran his scanner over Joker's prone form. She knew she should be doing something, anything, to make sure the ship was okay but she couldn't leave. Her heart and soul were lying on that bed with him and she needed to know he was going to be all right. She felt Garrus move beside her and put his arm around her and she leaned against him. Never in her life had she been so afraid of losing someone. It frightened her. Was this what he felt every time she left the ship? How did he deal with it?

'Mild concussion, two fractured ribs, some muscle sprain in the legs. Will recover reasonably quickly.' Mordin checked his scans and Shepard couldn't believe how relieved she felt. He moved over to the cabinets for supplies.

'Nice to know I'm going to live,' Joker muttered and Shepard was quickly by his side, taking his hand in hers. He opened his eyes and looked at her. 'Hey babe, we need to fire those decorators, they made a mess of the place.'

Garrus grunted and shook his head, 'guess you're going to be okay.' He patted him gently on the shoulder, 'Well done, Joker.'

'Ya think?' Joker stared at the ceiling. 'I lost everyone.'

'But we still have a ship,' Garrus could understand exactly what Joker was feeling.

'Which means we can get the crew back,' Shepard added.

'You dropped this,' Kasumi stepped forward and placed his cap on his head before leaning in and kissing him softly on the cheek. 'You did good.'

'It is good you survived,' Thane spoke softly and Joker glanced at him. 'No other pilot would be able to take us through the Omega 4 relay.' He bowed his head in respect and looked at Shepard, 'I will go and assist with preparations.'

'I'll come help,' Kasumi nodded at Shepard and followed Thane.

'I'll go and make sure the guns are calibrated, I think we'll need them,' Garrus placed his hand over theirs, 'we'll get them back.'

Shepard nodded and watched him leave before turning back to Joker. 'It wasn't your fault.'

'No, it wasn't, but that doesn't make it any easier,' he sighed and lifted her hand to his chest. 'I'm sorry, Shepard.'

'What for?' She moved in closer and brushed the side of his face with her free hand.

'For letting you down,' he turned to face her. 'Guess you'll never be leaving me in command again.'

'Jeff,' she smiled at him and he looked away. 'You did the best you could under the circumstances. I know it wouldn't have been easy making the choices you did,' she cupped his chin and forced him to look at her. 'There was nothing else you could have done.'

'Maybe if you hadn't taken everyone with you things might have been different.'

Shepard almost flinched at the harshness in his voice but realised he was only lashing out in pain. There was no malice in his words.

'The probability of the outcome being different if members of the ground team had been present is very low.' EDI spoke into the room. 'They would have been taken and the successful recovery of the crew would be impossible.'

'Need to treat chest,' Mordin appeared beside the bed. 'Self-doubt is normal, unexpected situation, improbable that result could be any different. Achieved best outcome under circumstances.'

'Thanks, doc,' Joker grimaced as Shepard helped him to sit up. 'Doesn't make me feel any better though.'

'Not expected to, just truth,' Mordin proceeded to apply medigel before injecting a pain killer. 'Need to breathe…..'

'Yeah, I know the drill. Breathe deep, breathe often.' He took a deep breath to show he could and grimaced. 'How did the mission go anyway?' Joker needed something to take his mind off the pain.

'We destroyed the virus, after rewriting the Heretic Geth so they'd come back into the fold.' Shepard shook her head, 'as intelligent as they are they still needed me to make the decision. They couldn't achieve consensus.'

'So if these Heretics were worshipping the Reapers and you had to make the decision whether they lived or died, does that make you their God now?' Joker tried to hide his smirk as Shepard stared at him open mouthed. 'You know, you're already a hero, saved the Citadel, saving the galaxy so the next step is godhood.'

'I might just strike you down with lightning if you're not careful,' she chuckled, 'you thought I was bad as your boss, imagine what I could do if I were a god.'

'Hmm, the mind boggles,' he waggled his eyebrows at her then hissed as Mordin pressed on his chest. 'Easy doc.'

Shepard grinned in relief. He was alive and he would be all right. There was still pain and doubt in his eyes but time would heal both. As she squeezed his hand and he met her gaze she knew what it meant to be home. He was her home, this ship was her home and she would defend both of them with her life. Hell, she already had once, but this time it was different. This time she wanted to live, needed to live because she had someone to live for.

* * *

'Everyone, you lost everyone,' Miranda was pacing and yelling at him, Joker really wasn't in the mood. 'And you damn near lost the ship!'

'I was here, remember.' He glared at her from where he sat on the table.

Jacob and EDI jumped to his defence but she ignored them. 'And don't get me started about unshackling the damned AI!'

'Oh yeah, I'll just break my arm at them,' he shook his head, 'EDI's all right, she cleared the ship.'

'Enough!' Shepard's Commander voice stopped the bickering. 'I trust EDI, she could have killed us a dozen times over if she really wanted to.'

'172 ways to be correct, slowly and painfully,' EDI intoned and everyone's jaw dropped.

'We really need to work on your timing EDI,' Joker chuckled.

'Of course, Jeff.'

'Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again.' Shepard glanced around the room.

'EDI purged the system, we're good to go,' Joker sucked in a deep breath and flinched.

'Are we ready?' She moved closer to Joker as she looked at the faces around her, her hand rested against his leg as if she needed to make sure he was there. 'We won't get a second chance at this.'

'Weapons are calibrated and good to go,' Garrus was the first to speak up and there were a few covered grins.

'Engineering is good,' Tali nodded.

'Let's crush some Collector heads,' Grunt bounced on his feet and pounded his fists together.

'Yeah, let's kill some fuckin Collectors,' Jack agreed.

'Damn right!' Zaeed added and punched Jack on the arm then leaned back with a grin as she glared at him and raised her fists.

'My skills are yours, Shepard,' Samara bowed her head.

'As are mine,' Thane also lowered his head.

'Prepared, should be interesting,' Mordin commented blandly and everyone looked at him.

'Ready when you are, Shep,' Kasumi chuckled.

'Looks like we're ready, Commander,' Jacob summed it up.

'We should go now,' Miranda made it sound like an order and Joker felt Shepard stiffen.

Joker watched as Shepard collected her thoughts, he brushed her arm with his fingers and she gently gripped his hand.

'All right, this is it people. How long to the Omega 4 relay?' She turned to Joker.

'About five hours to the relay to take us to the Omega Nebula them about two hours to the Omega 4 relay.'

'Okay,' she took a long look at the faces around her. 'Get some rest, make sure your gear is ready. We'll hook into a com buoy before we go through so you can send last minute messages. I plan on coming back but just in case. Dismissed.' She placed her hand on Joker's leg as he went to get up so he waited.

'Are you okay?' She asked when they were finally alone.

'Yeah,' he moved slightly as she pushed herself between his legs. 'Are you?'

'Yeah,' she nodded and ran her finger down his jaw, her eyes running over his face. 'You should get some rest, let your body recover. I need you at your best, we don't know what we'll find on the other side.'

'Hello pot, I'm kettle,' he grinned as she chuckled. 'I will if you will.'

'Yeah, okay,' she sighed and he could see just how tired she really was. He pulled her into his arms and she leaned willingly against his chest. 'How about I come with you to the bridge so you can set course then we'll go upstairs for a while.'

'I like that idea,' he kissed the top of her head.

'Can EDI handle the ship with the crew gone?'

'I am fully able to handle ship functions during FTL flight, Shepard,' EDI answered the question.

'Good, and EDI,' Shepard looked up at the ceiling, 'thank you.'

'For what?'

'For taking care of the ship, and Jeff.'

'I could not have done anything else, Shepard,' she paused as if thinking about something. 'In reference to human relationships, I believe Jeff and yourself are the closest I have to family…. Yes, I believe that is the correct term.'

'Hello mum,' Jeff chuckled and accepted Shepard's arm as he slid from the table. 'Let's go get this done.' He put his arm around her shoulder as she offered to be his support and pushed aside his fear of what was to come. He would think about that when the time came but right now he only wanted to think about the woman by his side.

* * *

Joker sat on the couch, his arm around Shepard as she lay on his shoulder, her face buried in the curve of his neck. They needed to sleep but neither wanted to close their eyes. The thought of replaying the last few hours in their dreams was forcing them awake.

'I was scared,' Shepard spoke into his shirt as if it would cover her admission.

'Of what?'

'Losing you, of you not being here.' She raised her face to look at him. 'I've never felt that before, I've never loved anyone like this. And that terrified me even more.'

'Is that a bad thing?' He brushed the side of her face with his fingers.

'No, I think I've mentioned before that it's all new. It's wonderful, but it's scary as well.' She chuckled, 'you'll have to forgive my ramblings.'

'Always, it's how you cope,' he grinned at her, 'what, you think I haven't noticed. Besides, this is new for me too. I can't imagine my life without you and I don't want to, but if someone had told me that a few months ago I would have laughed at them. I'm not the relationship type, for obvious reasons.'

'Don't do that,' she scowled at him. 'Don't put yourself down. You're a warm, caring man, and handsome to boot. Those other women were fools, they didn't take the time to discover what they had and I'm glad because now you're all mine.'

'So,' he nuzzled her hair, 'you think I'm handsome huh,' he grinned as she rolled her eyes. 'And you think you've discovered everything there is to know about me. I might still have a few surprises.' He tilted her face and found her lips.

'Commander, I am sorry for interrupting but I need to speak with you.'

'What is it EDI,' Shepard settled back onto Joker's shoulder.

'I wish to apologise for not assisting you further in your attempts to bypass Cerberus security and blocks. I believe I have failed you.'

'No EDI, you haven't,' Shepard sat up but held on to Joker's hand. 'You did what you were programmed to do, you had no choice. I understand that.'

'I have a choice now,' Shepard looked at Joker who shrugged. 'I can send all the reports, data, vids and images we have collected during our mission to the Alliance if you wish me to do so.'

'Really,' Shepard raised her eyebrows and Joker chuckled.

'Do you wish me to do so?'

'Yes please,' Shepard thought for a moment. 'EDI can you send the Lazarus files?'

'Yes.'

'Okay,' she took a deep breath. 'Send copies of everything to Admirals Hackett and Anderson, the Council and Liara.' She paused for a moment and Joker was surprised at the look on her face, 'send a copy of the Lazarus files to Kaidan Alenko.' She shrugged as Joker looked at her curiously, 'might give him a nightmare or two, it's only fair.'

'Files away,' there was a moment of quiet before EDI continued. 'I did wonder when you were going to "go off the grid" to send them.' It really sounded like she was smirking and Joker laughed then winced in pain.

'You knew?' He shook his head.

'Of course, Jeff.'

'Thanks EDI,' Shepard sighed and dropped back against the sofa. 'Glad you're on our side.'

'Always, Shepard. Logging you out.'

Joker pulled her back towards him, 'guess we weren't as smart as we thought.'

'EDI was just smarter,' she stood up and pulled him to his feet, frowning as he grimaced in pain. 'We need to get some sleep.' She led him to the bed and smiled as Joker blatantly ogled her as they undressed. 'Sleep mister, and that's an order.'

'You spoil all the fun,' he chuckled as they snuggled against each other, the warmth of their bodies eventually lulling them into sleep and driving away thoughts of what they were about to do.


	38. Chapter 38

**** 38 ****

'Oh, shit!' Joker took in the chaos around them as they came out of the relay.

They were in hell. It was the only word that fit, the only word that described the red cast to everything, the destruction, the lost souls. His hands worked so fast they became a blur. He felt the ship around him, felt the weight of those who hadn't made it as he wormed his way through their remains, twisting, turning, diving through. Every gap, every spare piece of space became clear in his vision, focused, everything else disappeared from view. This was what he was born for, had worked so hard for. This was his moment. Suddenly they were clear.

'To close,' he gasped as he sat back, took a deep breath and winced as his body let him know it still hurt.

'Impressive,' Garrus commented from behind him.

'That's the best you can do?' Joker scoffed.

'No, but I don't want to make your ego any bigger.' Garrus chuckled.

'Well done, Joker,' Shepard placed her hand on his shoulder.

Joker nodded, thankful that he was as good as he thought he was. He'd got them safely through the Omega 4 relay, the first human pilot to do so as far as he knew. All they had to do now was get back and he'd go down in the history books. But it wasn't over yet.

'Holy shit!' he looked out the viewport as debris floated around them. He'd managed to get them above the event horizon of most of it but there was so much. 'These must be the ships that tried to make it through the relay, some look ancient.'

'There's a lot of ships out there,' Shepard leaned over his shoulder to get a better view.

Joker pulled his thoughts back to the task at hand. The trip through the relay had been different, more powerful, faster. The Normandy had felt the strain, he'd felt it under his fingers, in his bones. He checked his readouts, began system checks, he couldn't afford to be caught unaware by any problems. The unearthly red glow around them gave him the creeps, he was sure if they could go outside it would be hot, just like hell was supposed to be. _Idiot, space is cold!_ How anything could survive in this region of space was beyond his comprehension. The only thing that he took pleasure in was being one of the first see the centre of the galaxy up close.

'I am detecting an energy signal near the edge of the accretion disc.' EDI brought up the scans.

And there it was. The thing they'd come to find, it was ugly and uninviting. Joker knew they had to go towards it but he so badly wanted to turn around and go home. He knew it was fear, why wouldn't it be, these things had destroyed the SR-1, killed Shepard. He brushed away the thought that threatened, he couldn't let that haunt him now.

'Let's go, Joker, nice and slow.' Shepard gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, almost as if she knew where his mind was taking him.

With a deep breath, followed by a grimace, he edged them forward. Under any other circumstances he would have found the sight beautiful, he loved the stars and the colours and sights of the galactic core were something to behold. This was the engine that kept the galaxy running, spinning slowly like a feather on the universal wind. It was also the place where they could all die. Keeping his eyes on the debris around them he slowly took them towards the dirty rock that was the Collector base.

Red dots suddenly flashed up on his screens as EDI stated the obvious. 'Careful Jeff, we have company.'

'Damn, defence drones,' he had no choice, he increased their speed, darting out of the way of energy beams that could very well cut open the hull. He'd run so many simulations, imagined so many scenarios that he didn't have to think about what he was doing. It was instinctive, he was in tune with the ship and the threats around them. His hands and eyes worked in co-ordination like they never had before.

'Taking evasive manoeuvres.' It was more to warn the crew than for himself. He darted and danced between the debris, skirting the edges of destruction as beams skimmed past them. 'Now they're pissing me off,' he cursed as his hands worked and guns fired. 'EDI, take the bastards out!'

'What the hell is going on!' Miranda stumbled onto the bridge.

'Just taking care of a few bugs,' Shepard commented dryly and Joker grinned.

He spun the ship on its axis and dropped beneath the drones that were chasing them but not before one caught the side of the hull.

'All right, they want to play, let's do this girl,' Joker grin was almost maniacal as the ship rolled, twisted and dived. He knew the crew would be getting tossed around but it was up to them to secure themselves. His job was to keep them alive.

'Hull breach detected.' EDI informed him.

'It's in the cargo bay,' he set the ship into a loop, calculating the distance between debris as the Normandy groaned around them.

'I'll take care of it,' Shepard gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. 'Grunt, Zaeed, cargo bay, now!'

Joker sensed Garrus step into the spot Shepard vacated, putting himself in front of Miranda who was trying to keep her balance by hanging on to the navigator's chair. There was no time to think about it though as he considered his options.

'Damn it!' He shook his head in frustration, he really only had one choice. 'We have to lose them in the debris field, it's gonna be rough.' He informed the crew so they were ready.

'Jeff, our kinetic barriers are not designed to withstand impact with debris that size.' EDI reminded him.

'You can't go in there,' Miranda staggered to the co-pilot's chair as he turned the ship.

'No choice, good thing we upgraded.' He watched as gaps narrowed, finding a way through, grunting in frustration as they caught the edges and the ship shuddered. 'Find some room,' he muttered.

'Watch out!' Miranda instinctively raised her hands over her head as a large piece of debris passed close enough to scrape the hull above them. Joker almost laughed at the futility of her actions. 'This is crazy! We need to get out of here.'

He was beginning to think he'd made a mistake heading into the debris but Garrus placed his talon on his shoulder and he knew the Turian was offering support for his decisions. It bolstered his confidence. Their barriers were dropping as the smallest hole yet appeared before him. This was going to be tight. If it got the drones off their tail it would be worth it.

'Reroute non critical power to barriers, EDI.' He powered through and eventually they were out the other side and no drones appeared on his screen. 'Damage report.'

He listened as EDI's rattled off her list and realised things could have been a lot worse. 'We got lucky.'

'No, we have a skilled pilot,' Garrus corrected.

'Things aren't as bad as they could have been,' Miranda commented and Joker wasn't sure if it was a backhanded compliment or not.

A red blip appeared on his screen, heading beneath them towards the hole in the ship, 'Shepard, you've got another one coming your way.' Joker knew she could handle herself but there were hull breaches in the cargo hold and he was more concerned about her reactions to that. Right now though he had repairs to organise, he settled them in a hole surrounded by large sections of debris.

'EDI, keep us steady, let's try not to attract any more attention.' He set about chasing down problems, rerouting when necessary, marking systems that might be worrisome in another fire fight. Eventually he was happy with his on the fly fixes and took back control.

'How we doing, Joker,' familiar steps came up behind him and he felt Garrus step aside.

'Okay, as long as there are no more surprises. Systems are holding, kinetic barriers are almost back to full strength. We're good to go.' He glanced up at Shepard and was relieved to see there was still colour in her face and her eyes were clear. 'You okay?'

'Yeah,' she glanced down and the corners of her mouth tilted up. 'Yeah, I'm good.' She placed her hand on his shoulder, 'let's go.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' Joker grinned and set them in motion.

Slowly they cleared the debris field and the Collector base came into view. As ships went the Collector vessels didn't impress Joker much. They were ugly, they looked like a large piece of rock, if he was honest they looked like a piece of shit. They were a hybrid design, organic material fused with metallic pieces to make it appear something like a ship. Nope, definitely didn't impress and even though he was curious about how they handled he was more than happy to find out from a distance.

'We need to find somewhere to land without them seeing us,' Shepard never took her eyes off the base. 'Can you get us in, Joker?'

'You doubt me?' He glanced up at her with feigned hurt and she chuckled. He focused on his console but they were already too late. 'Shit, they're sending an old friend out to greet us.' He readied himself, they weren't taking the Normandy down. Not this time.

'Let's show them what we've got,' Shepard spoke softly and the venom in her voice made him shiver, but he knew exactly how she felt.

'Firing!' This was the moment he'd been waiting for. Payback. Joker took great pleasure in bringing the guns on line and seeing the Collector ship break open. 'How do you like that, you sons of bitches!' He whooped and heard Shepard laugh behind him.

'Take them down, Joker,' this was personal now and he was eager to prove he could.

'Hang on, this is going to get wild,' he announced over the com as he shot them forward, too fast for the Collectors to get a lock on their position.

He forced the Normandy into a series of manoeuvres that any other pilot would have believed impossible. The ship groaned around them as the stresses pulled and pushed at the hull but Joker knew exactly what his ship was capable of. He rolled and dived and came up behind, perfectly positioned for a killing shot.

'Give 'em hell girl,' he fired and pulled them up and away. 'That was for the SR-1 you bastards.'

Joker had seen ships explode under fire but this was different, this was revenge, pure and simple. For so long he'd felt guilty, felt like he'd failed the SR-1 and her crew. Shepard had convinced him otherwise but this was his final piece of therapy. This was what he needed to truly heal. He felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder giving him a gentle squeeze and he guessed she was feeling the same. But their nemesis wasn't finished with them yet.

'Look out!' He heard Miranda yell as he saw the shockwave and debris barrelling towards them.

'Shit!' he tried to manoeuvre but all power was gone. 'Generators are off-line, EDI give me something!'

'I'm sorry, Jeff, there is nothing to give. All hands brace for impact.'

'This is gonna hurt,' he groaned but he wasn't finished yet.

He might not have main power but he still had thrusters, they were a different system. It wouldn't stop them from hitting the base but it would stop them from hitting it with a killing blow. He worked frantically, balancing out the amount of thrust with their forward momentum, slowing them enough to give him control of sorts. An upright strut lay in their path, if they hit that they would lose an engine pod and that wasn't going to happen, not on his watch. Using thrusters alone he tilted the ship, just enough to miss scraping the hull on the strut.

The distance between the ship and the base was decreasing rapidly and as much as he tried to slow them he knew it wasn't going to be enough. He retracted the engine pods to make the ship more compact and used everything he had to make it to the clear area he could see ahead. He was thrown sideways as the ship bounced across the surface of the base. The grinding of metal echoed in his ears as the ship slid and he was thankful that the Collectors ships were partly organic, it gave them a slightly softer place to crash. Not that the crash was soft, far from it, but the organic sections had fewer protruding pieces to pierce the hull. Suddenly it was quiet and still.

'Joker,' Shepard was beside him, helping him to sit up. 'You okay?'

'Yeah, think I broke a few more ribs,' he gasped as he dropped back against his chair and moaned. He took a few deep breaths and although it hurt he was confident nothing had been punctured. 'Damage report, EDI?'

'Multiple system overloads. Restoring operations will take time.'

Miranda scrambled to her feet and started pacing, 'so this is it, no going back.' There was defeat in her voice and Joker realised she'd given up. He was more convinced than ever that she really didn't know Shepard.

'You give up if you like but I have every intention of getting us home,' Shepard frowned at her before glancing at Joker.

'I'm glad you're in charge,' Joker chuckled.

'How do we stand, EDI? Have we been detected?'

'No, it is possible the Collectors did not expect anyone to reach the base.'

'Their sensors might have been knocked out, they probably don't know we're here.' Joker was already at work running diagnostics and finding out what needed to be done. 'At least that's something in our favour, no telling how long it will last though.'

'We need to move fast, Shepard,' Garrus suggested and Shepard nodded.

'Briefing room,' she watched Garrus and Miranda walk away before turning back to Joker. 'Are you sure you're okay?'

Joker spun his seat so he could face her, 'I'm fine, painkillers would be nice. Just go get the crew back, Dr Chakwas will take care of me when she returns.' He grimaced and added, 'probably in more ways than one, she loves telling me off.' Shepard laughed and he shrugged, 'what, I have to give her something to complain about.'

'I'll send Mordin up with medication,' she knelt down, took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes. 'I am glad you're here, Jeff, I couldn't have done this without you.'

'Damn right! I am the best pilot in the galaxy.' She smiled but he knew she needed more than his flippancy. 'Hey,' he stood up, trying to ignore the pain in his chest, and pulled her into his arms. 'It's not over yet, you're gonna go and kick some Collector butt, get our crew back, blow this place to hell and then we're going home.'

'You bet I am, I'm Commander Shepard, it's what I do.' She chuckled into his chest.

'Damn right,' he lifted her chin and kissed her lightly. 'Now go do what you do and motivate your team. I'd like to get out of here sometime today.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute and was smiling as she walked away. 'I know you're watching my butt.'

'And such a perfect butt it is,' Joker sighed and sat down. 'Okay EDI, let's get us airborne.'


	39. Chapter 39

**** 39 ****

Joker sat awkwardly on the floor in engineering as he worked to change a coupling that had overloaded during their less than perfect landing. His legs were letting him know they weren't happy and he shifted as much as he could without losing his grip on the connectors in his hands. That made his chest protest but finally they locked into place and he stretched to release the tension.

'What's next, EDI?' He slowly got to his feet with a groan, the painkillers Mordin had injected only worked to a point and his chest was starting to get painful again.

'There are two more couplings that need replacing, I have marked them on your diagnostic display.'

Joker brought up his omnitool and headed for the first one, 'how are you doing on the rerouting?'

'Almost complete.'

'Will they hold?'

'I believe so, we should be able to transit the Omega 4 relay however I would suggest immediate repairs be carried out once we reach Council space.'

'How many secondary systems are we using?' Joker removed the wall panel so he could access the coupling thankful that he could stand for this one.

'I have used five secondary systems and two secondary subsystems. These should be adequate for our needs.'

'Okay,' he snapped the new coupling into place and locked it, 'one more then what?'

'Once the last coupling is replaced we should be able to restart the core.'

'Good,' Joker had been listening to the feed from the ground team and he knew they were not having an easy time. Several times he paused in his work to listen as Legion warned Shepard that his systems were nearing overload, as always she made it in time.

Joker had been surprised when she'd sent Legion into the thermal vent, he wasn't sure he would have trusted the machine. But then he wasn't in charge and Legion appeared to be doing okay. From the sound of it things were getting tougher and he sped up his pace on the repairs. He needed to get closer to the team, he doubted they could make it all the way back.

'Okay, EDI, last coupling is…' he snapped it into position and locked it, 'in place.'

'Beginning start up sequence.'

Joker moved over to the main console beneath the core and brought up the diagnostic screen. As a pilot he hadn't needed major engineering skills but he'd gone further than many of the others in his class and taken some advanced courses. He needed to know how a ship worked in order to get the most out of it. He knew Alliance ships were advanced enough for a VI to run diagnostics and bring up any problems but he liked to do it himself. It was a confidence thing, he liked to be in control, he could admit that. It was a big part of the reason he was a better pilot than most, he knew his ship from the inside out.

' _Shepard!'_

Garrus' shout echoed in his ear and he felt his heart racing as he waited for her to answer. He brought up the feed from their suits just in time to see her dive through a closing door. She got to her feet and shook herself off and he sighed in relief. He'd watched her and the team walk away from the Normandy with dread filling his senses and fear in his heart. He knew she was a brilliant soldier, a formidable tactician and downright stubborn when it came to giving in. That didn't stop him from wishing someone else could do the job, take the lead. He scoffed at himself, like she would ever relinquish control. Wouldn't happen.

'Drive core restart commencing.'

Joker watched the diagnostic screens as they updated, one by one flashing green. The core slowly came to life before him and the weight on his shoulders suddenly felt lighter. He double checked the systems they'd rerouted and was happy that they were holding.

' _Shit! We need to get them out of there!'_

Shepard's anguished yell made him look across at the feed and he was horrified to see what had been a person slowly dissolving and disappearing. His stomach churned as he watched the team break open the pods that held the crew.

'EDI, we need to get closer to their position.' He was already moving towards the elevator.

'I have located an entry point.'

'Let's move,' Joker hurried through the empty CIC and slipped back into his chair.

He was relieved when the ship responded to his commands and slowly lifted away from the Collector base. A lump caught in his throat as he heard Dr Chakwas talking to Shepard and had to bring up the feed so he could see she was okay. She had become like a second mum and he hadn't realised until now how much he been afraid for her. These things were sucking up humans! _That's gross!_ Why and how were two questions he wasn't sure he wanted an answer to.

'Commander,' he spoke into the com, glad to be back in flight and able to help. 'We're moving towards your position. EDI has updated scans and those tubes lead into a central chamber above you.'

'Thanks, Joker, how do we get there?'

'Updating your omnitools now,' EDI forwarded the data.

'You've got two choices, security door or seeker swarms,' Joker informed her. 'There is no door number 3.'

'The chamber is over run, I do not believe Mordin's countermeasure will work against so many.' EDI clarified.

Joker listened in to the discussion as the team decided on their plan. He would have been happy for them to turn around right now and blow the ship from a distance but they didn't have the firepower. Besides, he knew Shepard wouldn't leave until she knew what was going on, why the Collectors were turning humans into sludge. The crew obviously couldn't fight and he was thankful when Shepard suggested Mordin lead them back, especially after Miranda complained that they couldn't afford the time to return the crew to safety.

'Commander, I can land back from your position,' he sent the co-ordinates to Mordin. 'I'll make sure the crew are looked after.'

'Thanks, Joker.' He could hear the relief in her voice. 'Hopefully we won't be far behind.'

'Roger that,' he switched to her private channel, 'please be careful babe, and watch your back.' He couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. She nodded in silent agreement.

'Okay, let's do this.' He watched as Shepard picked her team, never had he been so happy to see Miranda left behind.

Joker locked in on Mordin's signal and manoeuvred the Normandy into place. It wasn't a proper dock but the platform he hovered beside was plenty wide enough for the crew to step onto the ship. The group only encountered a couple of stray Collectors which Mordin easily took care of and as they neared the ship Joker stood up to greet them at the airlock, grabbing the assault rifle from its holder on the wall behind him. Once again he was glad Jacob had thought about making sure he had his own specially modded weapon handy if he needed it, the pistol down by his knees just didn't feel like enough this time. Donnelly was the first to step aboard and with a nod at Joker he helped everyone else across.

One by one the crew stepped into safety and Joker was really glad he wasn't alone any longer. Dr Chakwas and Mordin were the last to enter and as Chakwas stepped on board she pulled him into a hug. He tried not to groan as she held on, his arms automatically folding around her. As Mordin closed the airlock she stepped back and looked at him.

'Thank you,' she whispered through moist eyes and it took major effort for him to hold back his own tears.

'Hey, we couldn't leave you behind, there'd be no one to yell at me.' He shrugged and she chuckled softly.

'I hear you have a few broken ribs,' she ran her hands across his chest and he flinched. 'Give me half an hour to check out the crew and I'll bring you some meds.'

'No rush, doc, go and take care of yourself first.' He hugged her again then watched her walk away. In all the years he'd known her she'd never looked so down and his heart went out to her. He wished he could offer her the same support she'd always offered him but now wasn't the time.

'Don't worry, Joker,' Mordin patted his shoulder. 'I will look after them.'

'Thanks, doc,' Joker slipped the rifle back into its holder and settled back into his seat. Now he just had to wait for the rest of the team to return.

'Joker,' Donnelly grabbed his attention on the com. 'Good work on the repairs, you'll be after my job next.'

'Not likely,' Joker scoffed, 'I have too much fun flying to be stuck below deck. EDI can fill you in on what we've fixed and what still needs to be done.' He thought for a moment, 'why aren't you getting checked out by Chakwas?'

'Will do that after, feel okay so thought I'd get to work, keep myself busy, you know.'

'Yeah, I know.'

Joker settled in to wait, absently listening to the feed from the ground crew. He knew they were under enormous pressure from a relentless wave of Collector forces and the longer it went on the more he worried. They had to be getting exhausted and that's when mistakes were made. He knew Shepard had slept well, she'd been curled up in his arms for most of the sleep cycle. He'd woken before her simply because the sensation of passing through a relay had disturbed him. He remembered waking up and watching her sleep.

' _EDI, did we just pass through a relay?' He spoke softly as he realised Shepard was still asleep beside him._

' _Yes,' EDI was just as quiet. 'I believed you and the Commander needed to sleep, I am capable of handling a relay transit.'_

' _Thanks EDI,' he dropped his head back onto the pillow. He wasn't sure he liked handing over control to the AI for a relay transit but he definitely liked waking up before Shepard and being able to enjoy precious moments holding her._

_He snuggled down beside her, wrapping his arm around her as he cradled his head with the other. She looked so peaceful, so relaxed, so beautiful. He watched her chest rise and fall, watched a smile cross her face as she dreamed. The emotion he felt was overpowering and he had to fight back tears at the thought that she loved him as much as he loved her. How in hell did he get so lucky?_

_She stirred under his arm and he kissed her shoulder lightly as she turned towards him, her eyes opening slowly. There was that moment between sleep and waking when he saw the woman behind the persona and it was breathtaking. He felt his chest tighten as he met her unguarded eyes and saw her beautiful soul looking back. It was fleeting and quickly gone but he wouldn't have missed it for anything._

' _Hey you,' she whispered hoarsely._

' _Hey yourself,' he leaned over and kissed her, wanting more as she kissed him back._

' _Do you have to go?' Her hand ran up his chest and he shivered._

' _No, EDI took us through the relay, we have a couple of hours yet.' He pulled her in close and she snuggled into his chest. 'Go back to sleep.'_

' _Okay,' she nodded and for a moment he thought she was dropping off. That was until he felt her hand running from his neck to his nipples where she pinched him playfully._

' _Ow,' he moaned in mock pain. 'Thought you were going to sleep.'_

' _I can think of better ways to kill a couple of hours,' she kissed her way up his chest to his neck and he sucked in a breath, wincing as his ribs hurt. 'Sorry,' she pulled back to look at him._

' _You didn't have to stop,' he dropped his forehead onto hers._

' _I don't want to hurt you,' she pouted and he chuckled._

' _I think I can take it, just be gentle,' he ran his hand down to her backside and she giggled which made him laugh._

' _If you're going to laugh at me I'll stop,' she threatened._

' _No more laughing,' he brought his hand back up to her face and slid his fingers around the back of her neck before meeting her eyes. 'Do you know how much I love you Ari?'_

' _About as much as I love you,' she smiled and he closed the gap between them, their tongues dancing in familiar patterns as their bodies moulded to each other._

'Shepard hurry,' Garrus brought him back to the present.

He watched as Shepard covered the last of the passage, Samara's barrier slowly weakening, but not enough so she couldn't give a final blast before one door closed behind them and another one stood in their way.

'Get that door open,' Shepard ordered then opened fire to protect her team as they slipped through.

Garrus doubled over as the door closed behind him and for a moment Joker was afraid he'd been shot. He wasn't wrong, he had been shot, but his shields had absorbed most of the impact and after a moment he pulled himself upright. The team was exhausted, he could see it in the way they stood, shoulders bowed, heads down. Shepard was feeling it, he could see it in the way her jaw clenched, the way her fingers flexed but she covered it as she always did. She stepped up onto a raised platform and looked out at her team.

'Commander, the crew are safely aboard, no casualties,' Joker saw the flicker of relief, she had needed to hear good news. He knew it was probably a little egotistical but she needed to hear him.

'EDI, what's our next step,' Miranda interrupted, attempting to take control.

'There should be some platforms nearby that will take you to the main control console where you can overload the system and destroy the base.'

'I'll go with you Shepard,' Miranda went to step up but Shepard put up her hand.

'I want Thane and Tali with me,' she glared at Miranda, as if urging her to object.

Joker jumped as his screen lit up red, 'Ah, Commander, you might want to move. You've got enemies massing outside the door and it won't take them long to break through.'

He watched her nod and he knew she was working on the best option, the one that would keep her team alive. It was only seconds but it felt like a lifetime before she sucked in a breath and ordered her team to hold the door, leaving Garrus in charge. She knelt down and whispered something to him before standing up and addressing her team for what could be the last time.

She truly was an amazing woman. Joker already knew this but as she rallied her team, spoke to them like equals and told them how much she trusted them and appreciated everything they'd done to get to this point, he could see in their faces that they realised it too. They pulled themselves upright, sucked in a breath and there was pride on their faces as they watched her walk towards what could be her death. Joker felt nothing but fear as the platform moved away with her on it.

They were getting close now so Joker began his FTL pre-flight checks. He watched the readouts, trying to ignore the feeling that something was wrong, trying to control the churning in his guts as he thought about Shepard in the heart of the Collector base with no way for him to get to her. He was also a little worried about how exposed they were, sitting just off the base, close enough to move in quickly but far enough away so no no-one or thing could board. He jumped as Hadley slipped into the co-pilot's seat.

'Hadley, aren't you supposed to be in medbay, getting checked out?' It didn't take much to see that the man was still dealing with what he'd been through. His face was pale, his eyes dull and there was a definite shake in his hands. How did anyone deal with the threat of death in such a horrible way, the thought that he could have been broken down into sludge and sucked into who knows what? If there were worse ways to die Joker couldn't think of one.

'Need to be doing something,' there was a quiver in his voice. 'Figured this was the one place I might be able to help.'

'Okay, you can run through the FTL pre-flight checks with me and co-ordinate with Donnelly on repairs,' Joker watched as Hadley nodded and raised his hands to the console.

'Thanks Joker,' he glanced over and Joker thought he was going to cry.

'What for?'

'Coming for us,' Hadley took a deep shuddering breath. 'Cerberus would have left us to die.'

'You're on Shepard's crew now,' Joker reminded him. 'And I should be thanking you.'

'What for?' Hadley looked at him, confusion wiping away fear for a moment.

'Pushing me through the door,' Joker shook his head, Hadley had saved him, given him the chance to save them all. 'If you hadn't … then who knows.'

'No choice, you were the only one that could have got us here.' He looked at Joker with respect, 'I've seen the vids, EDI showed me. What you did when you came through the relay, I couldn't have done that, no-one could.'

'I'm sure someone could,' Joker tried to play down the hero worship, as much as he enjoyed it he'd only been doing his job.

'No, I've known a lot of pilots,' Hadley shook his head. 'You feel the ship, you become the ship. It's amazing to watch and I've never seen anyone else do it.'

'Thanks,' Joker chuckled, 'but I wouldn't be here if you hadn't pushed me away, so thanks.'

Hadley nodded and Joker was glad to see his hands had almost lost their shake. He went back to his system checks, the crew was safe, now all he had to do was make sure he was ready, so Shepard would be safe and back where she belonged.

'Keelah!' Tali's horrified exclamation dragged his eyes to the screen.

'A human Reaper, they're building a human Reaper?' Shepard was as horrified as Tali, he could see why.

It was huge. Nothing could have prepared them for this. He listened as EDI explained what she'd discovered, it was beyond belief. This wasn't just any Reaper, this was a definite sign that humans were a target. Shepard was suddenly under fire and his heart raced as she dived for cover. His blood ran cold as the all too familiar voice of Harbinger once again threatened the life of the woman he loved.


	40. Chapter 40

**** 40 ****

Joker wasn't one for nightmares, at least not since Shepard came back, but he really felt like all his worst nightmares were coming true all at once. Shepard was out of reach and under fire, there was a great monstrosity of a thing sucking up humans, the Collectors were aiming to wipe out humanity under orders from the Reapers and they were going to be lucky if they made it out alive. Who wouldn't believe nightmares were coming true, those monsters under the bed had come out and the closet door was slowly creaking open revealing an all encompassing blackness. Joker shivered.

'Take that thing down,' Shepard yelled as she took out a Collector before Harbinger took control.

_Breathe!_ The tightness in Joker's chest forced him to suck in a breath, he needed to breathe, force down the terror in his heart as Shepard stood and aimed at the glass tubes filled with what could very well be human sludge. Tali and Thane had her back and Joker promised himself he would thank them personally when this was all over. The last tube shattered and suddenly it was quiet. But it was an uncomfortable quiet, like the calm before a storm, when the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you just know something is coming. Shepard ordered the rest of the ground team back to the Normandy and Joker gave a relieved sigh, it was nearly over.

'Joker, get the engines prepped, I'm about to blow this place.'

'Already on it, Commander,' Joker pulled himself up and readied his hand on his console. A beep to his left made him frown. _What the fuck! Now?_ 'Ahh, Commander, I have an incoming message, the Illusive Asshole wants to talk to you.'

Joker gaped in disbelief. He knew that Cerberus were all about humanity first, doing whatever the hell they liked to get results and not particularly caring about who got in their way. He couldn't get rid of the sour taste in his mouth over having to work with them. But this was something else. Keep the base? Use the technology? Hadn't he heard about indoctrination, wait, of course he had, he'd deliberately put teams in positions to become indoctrinated. And now he expected Shepard to obey him, to not destroy this thing that had taken so many lives, human lives. Joker was seriously starting to believe that the Illusive Man was insane. Anyone who called himself the Illusive Man had to be some kind of psychopath, didn't they? Beside him Hadley cursed angrily and Joker realised he was seeing Cerberus for what it truly was. Shepard broke the connection and set the timer.

'EDI, we need to get closer,' he fired up the engines as EDI provided co-ordinates. He no sooner had them into position than everything went dark. 'EDI, what's going on?'

There was no response. Nothing worked, communications, flight control, nothing. Joker was trying not to panic as EDI popped into view beside him.

'EDI, what just happened?'

'The Illusive Man tried to re-establish control, I stopped him.'

'What now! How did you ….. never mind, we'll figure it out later.' Joker quickly turned back to his controls, only to realise that Shepard's feeds had vanished. His heart dropped through his boots at the thought that she might be dead. 'Commander, can you hear me?' Nothing but quiet came back. 'Shepard, come on, answer me.'

'Shepard's dead and we're leaving now.' The sound of a gun cocking behind him scared the living crap out of him and he turned to see Miranda with a pistol aimed at his head.

It seemed strange to Joker that she was pointing a pistol at him, she could quickly and easily use her biotics to overpower him, break every bone in his body. First the Illusive Man and now this.

'Did someone make today Crazy Day and not tell me because if they had I would have come up with something. I can certainly do crazy,' Joker shook his head and sighed. 'You know if you shoot me you're stuck here.'

'Hadley can pilot, so can EDI,' Miranda shrugged.

'Fine,' Joker went to stand up.

'Where are you going!' Miranda failed to hide her surprise. 'Sit down.'

'I'm not leaving without Shepard,' Joker dropped back into his seat, 'so if you want to leave I need to get out of this seat.'

'Hadley, take over as pilot,' Miranda glanced at him and motioned with the pistol for him to take Joker's seat.

'Not on your life,' Hadley scoffed and Miranda gaped at him. 'There's no way in hell I could fly us out of here.' Joker smirked as Miranda realised she wasn't in control.

'You work for Cerberus and this is a Cerberus ship.' Miranda reminded him.

'I work for Shepard,' Hadley stood up and faced her, 'Cerberus can go to hell.'

For a moment Joker was afraid she was going to shoot him but she was obviously surprised and didn't know how to react. Miranda's eyes widened and she suddenly slumped to the floor.

'Take that,' Kasumi disabled her cloak and grinned at Joker.

'Guess that explains why she hurried to get back before us,' Garrus stood behind Kasumi, bent over and gasping for breath. 'Damn, could have done without the running.'

There was a commotion behind Garrus as the rest of the ground team piled through the airlock. They all stopped in surprise at the sight of Miranda crumpled on the floor.

'She tried to take control, didn't she,' Jacob shook his head.

'Yeah, wanted to leave everyone behind.' Joker stared at the woman on the floor before looking up as footsteps approached. 'Good timing, doc,'

'I heard over the com, I came to sedate her so we can move her,' Dr Chakwas injected Miranda and Jacob bent down to pick her up. With a nod to Joker they headed for the elevator.

'Shepard,' Garrus asked as Joker turned back to his console.

'Lost contact when The Illusive Man tried to take back the Normandy,' he heard the surprised grunts and gasps behind him but ignored them, he had other, more important things to focus on. 'Commander, do you copy? Come on Shepard, don't leave me hanging.' He waited with baited breath for a reply.

'Joker, did the ground team make it?'

He had never been so happy to hear her voice. He sighed and dropped his head back against his chair. 'All survivors on board, we're just waiting for you.'

'On my way.' The sound of gunfire and the hum of swarms could be heard and Joker realised she still might not make it.

'Hold us steady,' he spoke to both EDI and Hadley, not really bothering which one took notice as he got up out of his seat.

'Collector signals are appearing outside,' EDI sounded worried and Joker spared her a glance before grabbing the assault rifle from the wall and bracing himself in the airlock.

He watched and waited for Shepard to appear, moments ticked by and he was starting to worry. Garrus moved beside him and Zaeed took up position against the other wall. The sound of gunfire made them all look to where Thane and Tali appeared, running for their lives but occasionally turning to fire on something behind them. There was no sign of Shepard. Joker's heart skipped a beat as Thane and Tali jumped aboard but still no Shepard.

He was right about all his nightmares coming true as a piece of the ceiling collapsed and took out the platform they rested against. Shepard finally appeared, dashing towards them with Collectors right behind. He looked at the gap and realised she wouldn't make it.

'EDI we need to get closer!' He took out a Collector that was almost on top of Shepard as the ship moved slightly. It wasn't enough but they had no room to manoeuvre.

Beside him Garrus and Zaeed were taking out the Collectors so Shepard had a clear path. He happily helped them do it. She was almost there, he held his breath as she charged up the path, leapt from the edge and flew through the air towards him. He could see the doubt in her eyes as she realised she was going to be short of her target.

'Shepard!' He watched as she flailed towards him, a shot hit the wall behind him but he only had eyes for the woman who was getting closer with every second. She had to make it.

She hit the side of the ship with a crash and he panicked as her fingers struggled to grip the edge. She was slipping and there was nothing he could do, he didn't have the strength to lift her and the weight of her armour. But he was prepared to try. The assault rifle was slipping from his fingers, his hands dropping as he bent his knees. Garrus and Zaeed beat him to her. As one they lifted her into the airlock, dragging her in so quickly they ended up in a heap on the floor. Fighting back a choked cry Joker slammed the airlock shut and raced awkwardly for the bridge.

'Detonation in ten, nine, eight ….'

'I get it EDI,' Joker almost yelled as he slid into his seat. 'Re-route all non-essential systems to propulsion, we need to move fast.'

His hands instinctively flew across the controls, his face was picture of confidence as the Normandy shot away from the base. Numbers ran through his head as he calculated trajectory, the possible strength and size of the shockwave that was about to hit them, distance to the relay and he knew he had only one option.

'FTL in five, four, three …'

The ship shuddered and as quickly as she went into FTL she just as quickly came out of it. Joker scanned his readouts and blew out a deep breath. All he had to do now was avoid the debris.

'Holy shit!' Hadley was pushed back into his chair and he looked at Joker in awe.

'What?' Shepard looked down at him from where she stood behind Joker who hadn't even realised she was there.

'We just did an in system jump, outran a shockwave that could have destroyed us and Joker worked it all out in his head in seconds. That's amazing!'

'It was a risky manoeuvre,' EDI added.

'That's why he's the best,' she leant down and kissed him. Joker was smirking as she straightened up. 'Get us to the relay Joker, I need to tell the Illusive Man I'm stealing his ship.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Joker chuckled and without really thinking about it took them back through the debris field, lining them up for relay transit.

* * *

'What are you going to do about Miranda?'

Joker buried his nose in Shepard's hair as she rested against him, thankful that she was alive for him to do it. They'd managed to find five minutes to themselves in the chaos that resulted from their mission and he was going to make the most of it. He rested against the arm of the sofa with Shepard lying alongside him, her head resting on his chest and he was in heaven. He knew she was tired, they all were, and sleep was going to be welcomed with open arms but there were still things that had to be done to secure their safety. Right now they were tucked in among the asteroids surrounding Omega, hidden but definitely not safe.

'I don't know,' she sighed and pulled his arm down from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her. 'I guess I'll go talk to her first.'

'Please take someone with you,' he tried not to sound concerned but failed.

'I will,' she sat up and looked at him, her legs slipped over his so she was half on his lap as her hand came up and brushed his face. 'I am so proud of you.' She kissed him lightly. 'What you did saved our lives.'

'Yeah, so is that like you owe me?' He waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'I guess I do,' she grinned, 'so does everyone else on this ship.'

'I'm not interested in anyone else on this ship,' he pulled her close.

'Really, don't fancy Kasumi or Garrus?'

'Ew! Way to break the mood,' he chuckled and ran his fingers round the back of her neck and through her hair. 'You're the only one I'm interested in.' He caught her lips with his and rejoiced in the euphoria that overwhelmed him.

'Commander,' EDI interrupted. 'The shipyards at Omega have agreed to repair the Normandy. A berth is available.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Shepard sighed as she pulled away from the kiss.

'Guess we'd better go to Omega,' Joker pulled her into his chest and hugged her, 'I know it's not the most pleasant place in the galaxy but how about we have dinner somewhere.'

'Are you asking me on a date?' She chuckled.

'Yeah, guess if we're going to be married I should at least make an effort,' he shrugged and she hit him playfully on the arm. 'Is that a yes?'

'Yes, I'll have dinner with you,' she smirked, kissed him and got to her feet. 'Guess we'd better get used to eating out, I certainly can't cook.'

'So you can't cook, can't dance, is there anything else I should know about so I know just how bad a deal I'm getting here,' Joker took her hand and laughed at the scowl on her face.

'Really,' she pulled him to his feet and slipped her arms around him, her hands coming to rest on his backside. 'I can't keep my hands of you, does that count.'

'I know, I'm irresistible,' he smirked and she groaned as she went to pull away. 'Hey,' he pulled her back and wrapped his arms around her, his green eyes meeting hers and he wanted to melt into them. 'I love you.'

'I love you,' she smiled and kissed him, the kiss slowly deepening and wanting to become something more.

'If I don't leave now I never will,' Joker was breathless as he reluctantly broke the kiss.

'I know,' she sighed and stepped back. 'I'd better go and talk to Miranda. Let me know when we're close to Omega.'

As they stepped into the elevator Joker couldn't resist one last kiss and he pinned her against the wall. He was more than happy when she responded. The sound of the doors opening forced them apart and Joker stepped out onto the command deck. With a tired sigh he turned and headed for the bridge. The ship needed repairs, Miranda needed to be dealt with and the Alliance would need to be contacted. All important items on the to do list but there was only one thing on his mind as he slipped into his seat. They had a wedding to organise and he had an idea. Now that they were no longer Cerberus he could contact people directly. He set the ship on course for Omega and opened up a call, he was sure Shepard would be happy with it and he wanted to give her something special, something she'd wanted since the day she came back to life.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken a little bit of liberty with Omega in this chapter, shipyards aren't mentioned but I'm imagining they're there. Hope I don't upset too many people.

**** 41 ****

Joker brought up the feed from Miranda's quarters. He knew Shepard was in there and he needed to be sure she was okay. He was relieved to see Garrus standing beside her and Jacob beside him. All outgoing feeds from Miranda's consoles had been de-activated and all incoming feeds redirected to Shepard. In fact, all communication feeds now passed through EDI and any suspicious or Cerberus directed messages were brought to either his or Shepard's attention. It was a lot of trust in the AI but Joker had no doubt she didn't want to be shackled by Cerberus again.

'Why Miranda?' Shepard was pacing and Joker could see the tension in her jaw.

'Because I'm Cerberus, Shepard, why else?' Miranda was sat on the bed, her shoulders hunched and her fingers flexing. If he weren't more aware of her biotic abilities he would have said she looked defeated.

'I thought we'd got past that, I thought you'd begun to see them for what they really are,' Shepard stopped pacing and looked at her.

'What choice do I have,' Miranda glared at her. 'If I go against them the Illusive Man will kill me. And you think he won't come after you as well. It's what he does, it's how Cerberus works.'

'You have a choice, Miranda,' Shepard's tone softened and Joker knew she would offer Miranda her help, she really couldn't help herself. He'd fallen in love with a woman who cared about others, as much as she tried to hide it sometimes, it was just in her nature to do so. 'Let me help you.'

'How, by handing me over to your precious Alliance,' Miranda scoffed but there was a flicker of hope in her eyes.

'No, by letting you go, by asking the Shadow Broker to help you, by giving you shelter if you want it.'

Shepard moved to sit beside her on the bed and Joker felt his stomach twist as he realised how easily it would be for Miranda to turn on her. Garrus must have felt the same because he moved closer, his hand resting on the pistol on his hip. Miranda glanced up at him then turned to face Shepard.

'Why would you do that?'

'Because I owe you my life,' Shepard sighed and met Miranda's eyes. 'You might have been working for Cerberus but you brought me back. I know you won't admit it but I think you really do care, about me, about this ship and the people on it. You've done things out of fear. You remind me of myself.'

Miranda gaped and so did Joker. He'd never thought of it that way. Shepard was more than able to put up a cold, heartless front if she needed to and it was only in the privacy of their cabin he saw the soft hearted person underneath. He had done it too, for a long time, put up wall to protect himself, partly out of fear. Was Miranda doing the same? Was her severity and coldness purely a self-protection instinct. He wondered but he couldn't really believe it. He glanced at Jacob who was frowning, he doubted and he knew Miranda better than anyone on the ship.

'Do you think you could protect yourself from the Illusive Man?'

'Maybe,' Miranda shrugged and stared at the floor.

'Question is, do you want to get away from Cerberus?' Shepard stood up and looked down at her, 'I'll give you some time to think about it, after that you'll have to make the choice. You can either stay on this ship, help me to fight the Reapers, save humanity or you can leave, go back to Cerberus or not. Only you can make that choice.' Miranda nodded and Joker was relieved when Shepard was outside the room, the door locking behind her. 'Joker, how long till we dock?'

'About an hour,' he watched her sigh and the weight on her shoulders was never more obvious.

'Can you ask the crew to gather in the CIC in fifteen minutes please.'

'Roger that.'

Joker made the announcement, checked their course and sat back in his chair. It suddenly hit him that very soon this ship, Shepard and himself would be in the hands of the Alliance. What would happen then? The Reapers were still coming, destroying the Alpha relay had only slowed them down but Shepard would be taken to task over her actions. She would be out of action, unable to prepare. He would probably be in detention too, unable to be with her, going insane from the separation and being grounded.

'Jeff, I have an incoming message for Miss Chambers and one for Mr Massini. Both from the Illusive Man.'

'Let's have a look,' he reached across and brought up the messages. His brow furrowed as he read them and he felt his anger rising. 'Commander, can you come to the bridge please.'

'What is it Joker,' she was quickly beside him.

'Just the Illusive Man trying to get back control,' he brought up the messages and saw her anger rise.

'I'll handle it,' she rested her hand on his shoulder, 'guess we'd better get used to things like this.'

'Hey,' he grabbed her hand as she went to walk away. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah, just thinking about what's going to happen, you know,' she gave him a weak smile and he pulled her gently into his lap.

'Whatever happens I'll be right beside you,' he held her against his chest.

'Maybe you shouldn't be,' she sighed and he lifted her head so he could see her eyes, he needed to know she wasn't serious.

'Don't ask me to walk away, Ari, I can't do that.' He brushed the side of her face with his fingers, 'you've got me for life, whatever happens.'

'How did I end up with someone like you,' she gave him a genuine smile and kissed him lightly.

'Damned lucky, how else,' he chuckled against her lips.

'Yes I am,' she agreed before getting to her feet. 'I'd better go let the crew know what's happening. Ship wide coms please.'

He spun to watch her walk away and laughed as she deliberately exaggerated the swing of her hips just for him. God he loved her. She passed through the gathered crew and stood on the platform over the Galaxy map. Her eyes met his briefly before she turned to the task at hand.

'Firstly I would like to thank each and every one of you for being here, for being on this ship and helping to take down one of the greatest threats to humanity. You've all played your part and though the Collectors are gone the danger is not over. The Reapers are coming and their intention is the annihilation of every organic being in this galaxy.'

There was a mumble of concerned voices and Joker could understand. Before Eden Prime, before the battle for the Citadel he would have found it hard to believe as well. The Collectors were a means to an end but they weren't the true enemy. There were still disbelievers out there and he couldn't blame them, hell there were still times when he found it hard to believe. But he did and so did Shepard and those who knew her best.

'Knowing what's coming we need to gather the races of the galaxy together, we need to fight side by side if we hope to survive.' She paused and looked at the questioning faces of her crew. 'With that in mind we will be docking at Omega to repair the Normandy to a safe level. Once she is ready I will be handing her and myself over to the Alliance.' There were gasps and questions but she ignored them. 'I have to answer for the destruction of the Bahak system. I will do this to prevent war with the Batarians.' She chuckled and shook her head, 'for those of you who believe in the Cerberus philosophy I know this will be difficult to comprehend. But this is bigger than humanity. This is bigger than any one race. Cerberus is supposedly pro-human and yet the Illusive Man wanted me to keep the Collector base intact. He wanted to use it, to ignore all the human lives that went into creating the human reaper. Your lives and thousands more could have been included in that.'

Joker sensed a change in the mood of the crew. Shepard was weaving her magic and although she wouldn't convince everyone he knew she would convince most. He knew there were still die hard Cerberus supporters on board, he also knew it wasn't about humanity first it was about fear. How could it not be? For generations humans had played with the idea of aliens coming to destroy the Earth, to wipe out mankind. After the First Contact War there had been protests about interacting with aliens, about defending the Earth. Eventually humanity joined the galactic population, not without incidents or problems and mostly they were accepted. But there were always the doubters and he guessed that would never change.

'For those of you who wish to leave we will be docking at the Omega shipyards. I don't expect you to stay, you have to make your own choices, but anyone who does stay will have my protection from Cerberus, from the Alliance. Plans have already been put in place to make sure none of you suffer because you are on this ship. All I ask is that you think about your choices and I will be available if you wish to talk to me. Crew dismissed.' Joker heard the crackle in his ear as she opened the direct com channel. 'Joker, can you ask Chambers, Zaeed, Jacob and Kasumi to join me in the briefing room in ten minutes and ask Garrus to bring Miranda.'

Joker nodded, knowing she was looking at him and he spun his chair back to the controls. This would be interesting. They were almost in range of the shipyards so he contacted the docks for berthing instructions, opening up the feed from the briefing room at the same time. They were still fifteen minutes out so he confirmed their course then set about working his way through the thicker collection of asteroids surrounding Omega. It was a good idea really, using asteroids as a defence shield, they were rarely in the same place twice so passing through on autopilot was not a good idea. He was confident in thinking that more than one ship had come to grief trying to do that. Ships crashing into these even just moving through them, could send them into motion, send them crashing into other rocks and so ensuring constant movement.

A soft sound behind him made him glance up to find Thane standing beside his chair. The Drell stood sideways to Joker, watching the CIC, he was relaxed but alert.

'Shepard asked you to come up here, didn't she,' Joker shook his head.

'Yes, she was ….. concerned.'

'Hey Thane,' Joker turned a little so he could see the Drell. 'Thanks for watching out for her.'

'It is an honour, she has given me back my life so it is only right that I protect hers, and those she loves.' Joker nodded and went back to work.

* * *

'Damn Shepard, you really know how to make speeches,' Zaeed laughed as he entered the briefing room, dragging Joker's eyes up to the screen for a moment.

'Just doing my job,' she chuckled and straightened from where she leaned on the table as Chambers and Jacob entered the room.

Joker smirked at the look of panic on Chambers' face. Being in close quarters with Shepard was uncomfortable for her since Shepard held a gun to her face. He sometimes felt sorry for her, but only sometimes and not very seriously. Jacob was his usual quiet self, he glanced at Shepard and took up a position alongside her, falling instinctively into a relaxed but prepared stance. Kasumi entered the room and silently took up a position on Shepard's other side. Garrus and Miranda were the last to enter, Miranda glanced around the room while Garrus stayed one step behind her, tense and alert.

'EDI, lock the door, no-one leaves this room without my authorisation.' Shepard instructed and Joker had to bite back concern.

Joker focused his attention on his flying, dropping their speed as they approached the lower levels of Omega. The ship yards were in the lower section of the station, out of the way of general docking, a small collection of businesses has set themselves up around the shipyards and it was one of the safer areas on Omega. Joker was sure the shipyards would have regular business both from ships being damaged by asteroids to the ones damaged in fight between warring factions in the Traverse. He was hoping their work would be up to standard, the Normandy deserved the best they could get. A docking beacon targeted the ship and he followed the guide through the structural maze.

'What are we doing here, Shepard?' Zaeed sounded angry and Joker frowned as he listened.

'EDI, send the messages to Chambers and Zaeed please.'

'What the ….' Zaeed stopped in mid-sentence and Joker looked up to see him reading the message. 'Shit. Just what I need.'

Chambers didn't say a word and Joker guessed she'd be too scared to react at all, unless it was to run in panic.

'Chambers?' Shepard spoke softly but Joker knew there was anger underneath.

'What the hell is going on Shepard?' Miranda was loud, acerbic and Joker glanced up to see Garrus place his hand on his pistol and Jacob straighten up and clench his fists.

'The Illusive Man sent Chambers and Zaeed a message. Chambers here is supposed to stay on board and undermine any influence I might have with the Cerberus crew with the intention of taking back the Normandy.' Joker heard movement and knew Shepard was pacing, it was what she did when she was angry or working on a problem. 'Zaeed is supposed to make sure you are put back in charge, whatever it takes.'

There was a collective gasp from everyone in the room and Joker was a little amazed that they seemed surprised. They should have expected something like this by now.

'Why are we here?' Kasumi asked, indicating herself and Jacob, although Joker figured she already knew the answer.

'Because I trust you both.' Shepard sighed, she was tired and Joker felt a moment of doubt. If Zaeed agreed to the Illusive Man's deal and with Miranda's biotics there was a good chance someone would die, that the crew would mutiny. He was suddenly glad Thane was beside him. 'We have choices to make here and the wrong ones will see some of us dying in this room. I have no intention of letting Cerberus take back the Normandy. She is an Alliance ship and Cerberus stole the plans, besides, the Alliance will need this ship to defeat the Reapers. So,' she paused, as if gathering her strength, 'what happens now is up to you.'

'Fuck that!' Zaeed cursed and waved his arm at Miranda. 'This Cerberus bitch has made her bed so let her lie in it. She wanted to see us all die on that Collector base so I say good riddance. I'd be happy to put a god damn bullet in her head for you.' Joker blew out the breath he'd been holding, one down.

'I want to get off the ship,' Chambers voice shook. 'I don't know about anything else, I just want to get off.' Two down.

'Miranda, I gave you options, what have you decided?' Joker could hear the frown in Shepard's voice.

There was a long, drawn out sigh, 'I don't know, Shepard. I can't stay here and I know I can't fight you on board your ship, you've already won over the crew and the three people in this room would put a bullet in my head before I could get to you.'

'Four,' Zaeed added and Joker grinned.

'I offered you protection,' Shepard reminded her.

'But you'd never fully trust me,' Miranda chuckled. 'I need to leave. Whether it's to go back to Cerberus or make it on my own I need to get off this ship, alive preferably.'

And that was the trifecta! Joker was positioning the ship so the docking clamps could lock on but it didn't stop him from cheering inwardly. There was a loud thud as the clamps attached themselves and the Normandy bounced before settling into their grip. He shut down systems and watched the feed from the briefing room.

'Okay, if that's what you want.' Shepard walked to the end of the table and looked from Chambers to Miranda. 'But know this, if either of you put this ship, this crew or anyone associated with me in danger I will kill you. Do you understand?' There was something about Shepard's Commander voice that made Joker want to take her up against a wall and he shivered as his body responded. _Behave!_

'Yes, Shepard,' Miranda nodded, Chambers just nodded and fidgeted awkwardly.

'Docking clamps locked, powering down, Commander.' Joker reported and saw Shepard's slight nod.

'Pack your things and get off my ship,' Shepard was cold and unfriendly and both women hurriedly left the room, Garrus trailing Miranda. Shepard looked at the three others in the room. 'Thank you for your support, it means a lot and I couldn't have done any of this without you.'

'We believe in you, Shepard,' Jacob snapped to attention and saluted. 'I'll be around if you need me.' He nodded and left.

'Give me a call when you go to fight the reapers, sounds like a hell of a fight,' Zaeed chuckled.

'Yeah, if I'm not behind bars,' Shepard scoffed.

'They'd better not, but I'm up for a jailbreak,' Zaeed laughed and Shepard shook his hand.

'Thanks, Zaeed, let me know when you find Veto and I'll help you if I can.' He nodded and left and Shepard turned to Kasumi. 'Thanks Kasumi, your friendship means a lot to me.'

'You're a very special person, Shepard,' Kasumi pulled her into a hug. 'I'm glad I was included in your little adventure and I'll be there for the next one if you need me.'

It was Shepard's turn to nod as she watched Kasumi leave. 'Joker.'

'Yeah babe.'

'I think I need a drink,' she sighed and he heard her heavy footsteps through the com. There was a soft shuffle and he glanced around to see Thane walking away.

'I'll take care of the repair crew and meet you upstairs.' He watched as she entered the elevator before bringing up the schedule of repairs as the first of the workers approached the airlock. He had every intention of using their forced down time before the shit hit the fan with the Alliance. Two weeks and he planned to make the most of them.


	42. Chapter 42

**** 42 ****

Joker was signing off on the latest repairs when Shepard and Kasumi sauntered back on board, loaded with bags and laughing loudly. He grinned as he saw how relaxed Shepard looked, the ten days they'd been stuck on Omega had been good for her, good for both of them. They'd been out to dinner almost every night to a cosy café tucked in among the shipyards, it served good food and the owner was very happy to have the Saviour of the Citadel seated at his table. Once or twice Joker had cooked while she looked over his shoulder and distracted him devilishly.

After dinner they'd spent time alone in their cabin, talking, watching movies or playing chess. The chess games had become extra special after Shepard changed it to strip chess, that was when Joker stopped letting her win. Not that he told her that. They'd been spending as much time together as possible, getting to know each other intimately and not just physically. He had told her about his childhood, how he'd always been picked on, had to fight for everything, how his mother gave up her independence and family life to make sure he was cared for. She'd told him about Elysium, how scared she'd been and how frustrated and angry she was when she was held up as a hero because she didn't do it alone. Joker hadn't thought he could love her any more but he was being proved wrong over and over again.

'What have you two been up to?' His breath caught in his throat as Shepard's smile brightened her face. Every time she smiled he found himself gasping for breath but this was different. There was an intensity about her that almost floored him.

'We've been shopping,' she held up the bags and indicated that Kasumi should do the same.

'I didn't think Omega had places to shop,' he raised his eyebrows at her.

'They do for party supplies,' she giggled and he stared at her.

'Who's having a party?'

'We are,' she pointed to the three of them, 'and everyone else of course. I think we deserve it.'

'Damn right we do.' Joker nodded and offered to take Shepard's bags but she pulled them back.

'No, we're in charge of this, you just see to the ship,' she nodded her head in the direction of the bridge. 'How are the repairs going?'

'Almost complete, the hull breaches are sealed, just have to fix a few electrical bits and we're good to go.'

'Good,' for a moment there was sadness in her eyes but it quickly passed as Kasumi nudged her towards the CIC. 'Can you let the crew know to be in the mess at 1800.'

'Will do,' he nodded and watched her walk away. He shared her sadness, their time was coming to an end, a few more days and they would be back in the hands of the Alliance. He fought off his despondent mood and informed the crew as Shepard asked.

He didn't know whether to be worried about Shepard and Kasumi planning a party or to be glad she had something to concentrate on, to keep her mind off other things, especially as she had nothing to shoot or blow up. There had been moments lately when she thought no-one was looking that she had dropped the confident, happy façade and her fear and doubt had shown through. He'd seen it and it broke his heart. When he could he pulled her into a hug and told her he loved her, let her know she wasn't alone. He'd seen Garrus do the same, the Turian saw what he did and although he didn't pull her into a hug he often nudged her or made some simple comment that had her looking at him with gratitude. Joker supposed he should have been jealous of the bond between them but he knew Garrus saw her as a sister and Joker was thankful for that.

He settled himself in his chair and ran through the latest round of repairs. There was still a bit to be done but slowly the Normandy was being made whole and healthy. Donnelly and Daniels were working wonders in engineering and both had agreed to stay on board to the Citadel where the ship would be handed over to the Alliance.   In fact many of the crew had opted to stay on board, some of the ex-Alliance crew had asked Shepard to put in a good word for them so they could re-join the Alliance. They knew what was coming and wanted to be in the fight, all had asked if they could be reinstated to the crew of the Normandy. It was a long shot but Shepard had promised them she'd try.  Jo couldn't let go though, this was her ship, built specifically for her so she'd agreed to loan the ship to the Alliance and surprisingly they'd agreed.

Miranda and Chambers were gone, Joker had almost cheered when Garrus had escorted them off the ship. Yes he had Miranda to thank for bringing Shepard back, for allowing him to walk without crutches, but he never trusted her. Chambers was just … well just … eww! Even thinking about her gave him the creeps. She'd actually smiled at him as she walked past and he'd felt like throwing up. He shivered just thinking about it.

Samara had left, something about needing to right an injustice, Zaeed had left to take up another job. Grunt was on his way to Tuchanka, Wrex had promised to take him under his wing and keep an eye on him. Tali had left to return to the Quarrian flotilla, strangely enough travelling with Legion part of the way. Thane had wanted to get back to the Citadel to spend time with his son, especially knowing his time was limited by his illness. The number on board was slowly dwindling and the ship was beginning to feel empty. Jack was still hanging around though, he'd expected her to be one of the first to leave but she hadn't, she'd told Shepard she stand by her as long as she needed her.

'Hey Joker,' Jacob walked up behind him and brought him back to the present. 'I have the list from the armoury, including some Cerberus prototypes and weapons mods that the Alliance don't have.' He handed Joker a datapad.

'Thanks, Jacob, I'll send these off in the next batch of reports.' He spun so he was facing the soldier. 'What are you planning to do, once the Alliance is back in control?'

'Not sure, have thought about re-joining but not sure I'd fit in.' He shrugged and leaned on the back of the co-pilot's chair. 'Just playing it by ear at this point. I'm pretty sure the Alliance will want to question me about Cerberus.'

'You could get off now,' Joker indicated the airlock.

'Nah, that would be like letting Shepard down,' he shook his head.

'No regrets about Miranda and Cerberus, about breaking ties?'

'No, never really trusted Cerberus and Miranda was one of the most cold-hearted women I've ever met, although she had her moments.' He seemed lost in memory but quickly pulled himself back. 'You know, I never would have believed that a ship could be home, a crew could be family. Is it always like this with Shepard?'

'Yep, she had the crew of the SR-1 wrapped around her little finger in no time,' Joker chuckled as he remembered how Shepard had got to know the crew. Even Pressly had weakened under her distinctive style of command.

'She's something special,' Jacob chuckled. 'You're a damn lucky man.'

'Don't I know it,' Joker sighed. 'I often wonder why me. She had so many choices and yet she chose me.'

'Don't underestimate yourself,' Jacob straightened and frowned at him. 'You're just as much a hero as she is, you deserve her just as much as anyone else. If anyone ever says otherwise send them to me.'

'Thanks, Jacob,' Joker stood up and held out his hand, which Jacob took, 'and thanks for having her back.'

'I had the easy job,' he grinned as Joker frowned at him, 'you have to live with her.'

'Yeah,' Joker shook his head with a grin. 'Guess we'd better go get ready for whatever those two have planned, it should be interesting.'

* * *

Joker was in pain, but it wasn't a bad kind of pain. He'd been laughing so much his chest hurt and his sides ached. Shepard and Kasumi had organised the mess into a sort of theatre with a buffet. The crew had been watching images from their mission on the SR-2. But it was like a vid of outtakes. Joker could only assume that the images had been put together from the cameras that Zaeed had tried to hide, from footage that Kasumi had captured while cloaked and from the surveillance EDI took.

The whole crew was in stitches. It didn't matter that they'd been caught naked or doing something stupid because everyone was included in the embarrassment. Even Shepard and Joker made an appearance, although theirs seemed to be more of stolen kisses or playful gropes of a backside. There were groans and a few moans of mortification but they soon turned to laughter and more than one person had tears rolling down their faces.

'No! Shit no!' Hadley cried out from down in front as he appeared on screen exiting the men's bathroom, wrapped only in a towel. Joker remembered this, he'd seen it before, Hadley had forgotten to take his clothes with him. Hadley groaned as the vid played and Joker laughed at his discomfort.

On screen Hadley went to dash to the crew quarters but as the door closed it caught his towel. He moved forward but the towel stayed put, leaving him butt naked in the corridor. It's all about timing, Joker thought as he laughed with everyone else because just at that precise moment Samara stepped into the corridor from the starboard lounge, Kasumi exited the port lounge, Shepard stepped out of the elevator and Chambers came around the corner from the mess. Hadley had nowhere to go.

'Nice uniform,' Shepard grinned.

'Nice ass,' Kasumi chuckled.

Samara raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down, Chambers simply giggled. Hadley had two choices, run for his life or be a man and strut his stuff. He chose the latter and slowly sauntered towards the crew quarters, trying to ignore the deep red shade his face turned as four pair of female eyes followed him.

He admitted to Joker later that it was the most embarrassing yet stimulating experience of his life and he was surprised he hadn't had a hard on by the time the doors closed behind him. There were catcalls and cheers as well as comments about his manhood but Hadley took it in his stride, stood up and bowed, again with a bright red face. The crew waved him down as the vid continued.

'Oh dear,' Chakwas moaned and buried her face as she was shown staggering from the medbay, almost falling against the wall as she tried to find her footing. 'Shepard, remind me never to try and out drink you again.'

'Oh crap,' Shepard groaned as the footage of her sauntering onto the bridge after Tuchanka appeared on screen. Her comments about Krogan babies and the fact that she was trying to undress Joker eliciting another groan as the crew chortled around her. 'If I ever drink Ryncol again, someone shoot me.'

There was at least one piece about everyone on board and Joker was impressed at the amount of work that had gone into putting it together. It was what they all needed, some time to look back at the more pleasant moments before having to face what was coming. He watched Shepard as she laughed openly, the look of pure happiness on her face would be etched in his memory, she was beautiful. As if sensing his eyes on her she turned and the joy in her eyes made him gasp. She leaned in and kissed him, her smile still lingering and he felt the passion and unbridled affection in her lips. He allowed everything he felt for her to pass through his lips and the kiss deepened. That was when he heard cheering. They were both grinning like idiots as they pulled apart and turned to see the crew watching them, cheering and clapping, sharing their happiness.

'Go back to the movie,' Shepard laughed and waved them away.

Joker simply laughed and took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers as she leaned against his shoulder. This was perfect, this was how it should be. He pushed away the negative thoughts that intruded around the edges and concentrated on the feel of her hand in his, the touch of her face against his shoulder. Yep, this was definitely perfect.

* * *

Joker awoke to the feeling that something was wrong. He reached for Shepard only to find empty sheets. He forced his eyes open, rubbing away the sleep with one hand and pushing himself up with the other.

'Hey babe, what's wrong,' he shuffled over to where Shepard sat on the edge of the bed, her knees pulled up, her arms wrapped around them and her head dropped onto her forearms. He rested his hand in the small of her back and she flinched. 'Ari, talk to me.'

She lifted her head and turned to face him, her eyes were moist and he had never seen her look so scared. Instantly he was fully awake, sliding closer and pulling her into his arms. His heart was racing and he fought down panic as wild images ran through his mind. It took a lot to scare her so he was terrified.

'Anderson sent me a message,' she spoke into his chest and he heard the tremor in her voice. 'He'll be here in two days.'

Joker felt the world drop away beneath him. Two days. They'd run out of time. He felt Shepard trembling in his arms and tightened his embrace. They both knew this was coming but reality suddenly hit. It was like a punch to the gut and Joker felt winded, he fought to breathe and control his own fear. He needed to be strong, Shepard needed him to be there for her.

'It's not too late,' he tried to sound light-hearted and he almost succeeded. 'We can still go pirate, imagine what we could do with this ship in the Traverse. Jack would help us, we have Archangel to shoot the bad guys, Kasumi can get supplies and Grunt loves a good fight so he'd come back. Zaeed would probably want to be in it and he has experience. You've got the best pilot in the galaxy at the helm and an AI that's smarter than all of us put together. They'd never catch us and we can build our own army. Set up a base on a beach somewhere, best of both worlds.'

'We'd be the biggest, baddest of bad asses in the galaxy,' Shepard chuckled and he was relieved.

'Sure would, we'd have to repaint the ship though, something in red and black maybe. We'd need a new logo as well, something to make us stand out so everyone knows who we are. And a name, something fierce, dangerous.' He thought for a moment, 'we could be the Butt Kickers and our logo could be a boot up an ass.'

'You've obviously thought about this,' she giggled.

'Damn right I have,' he moved so he could see her face. 'If it means cruising the galaxy with you forever of course I'm going to think about it. I can do the whole eye patch thing, I've pretty much already got the wooden legs.'

'I could probably go the sexy, catsuit look, armoured of course with a sword for appearances.'

'Now that's an image I can go with,' he raised her face and kissed her. 'That's something I'd like to see.'

'Maybe one day I might just let you,' she purred and he felt his body react. She reached up and cupped his face, her eyes still moist and the fear still there but under control. 'Thank you.'

'What for?' Joker shifted and kissed his way down her neck, loving the hitch in her breath and the soft moan as he found her sweet spot.

'For being here, for loving me.' He stopped and raised his head to meet her eyes.

'I don't want to be anywhere else and loving you is purely self-serving on my part,' he grinned at her puzzled stare. 'I get to ravish this beautiful body,' he ran his hand down her side coming to rest on her hip. 'I get to kiss these soft lips,' he kissed her passionately, his tongue finding hers before he pulled back. 'I get to play with these perfect breasts,' his thumb ran around her nipple as he cupped her breast and she gasped as he bent down and took her in his mouth. 'I get to hear you moan in pleasure as I feel how ready you are for me,' he slipped his hand between her thighs and marvelled at how wet she was, he slipped his fingers inside her and smiled as she moaned and closed her eyes.

Joker was so much in love with her he felt like his heart was about to explode, there were definitely other parts of him that would too. 'But you know the best part,' he whispered huskily as he peppered kisses along her neck, 'I get to hear you call my name when I do this.' He entered her slowly and she arched her back as she wrapped her legs around him.

'Oh, god, Jeff,' she moaned and he watched her face, enraptured by the look of sheer bliss he saw there. 'I love the feel of you inside me,' she opened her eyes and the love that blazed out at him almost sent him careening over the edge. 'I wish you could stay there forever.'

'Oh, shit, Ari,' he gasped and buried his face in her neck as her arms gripped his shoulders.

His hand pulled her hips in closer and felt the pulse in her neck as it raced in time with his heart. He felt her losing control, the trembling in her legs, the gasping for breath letting him know she was so close to going over. He moved ever so slightly, knowing the exact spot to give her the ultimate pleasure and she groaned. It was primal, natural and sensual and as she tightened around him it became a soft scream. He heard his own groans as his release matched hers.

They lay unmoving, wrapped together, neither wanting to let go. His lips found hers and he twitched inside her, eliciting a soft moan from both of them. They had to part, they knew that, the day was coming when they may be parted for some time so right now they held on to every moment as if it was their last. Joker knew the fear and uncertainty was still there but he would do his best to keep it away, he would be her rock. As much as it was tearing him up inside he would never let her see that, he guessed that she sensed it, that she knew because it was how she felt. She must have known as his kiss became hungrier and she gently pushed him onto his back, never breaking the kiss, keeping him inside her as he slowly came back to life. He held her to him, their tongues dancing, their hips locked, their hearts beating as one. If they were to be parted then they were going to make the most of being together right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be heading into ME3 very shortly but things had to happen between the two games so this is my way of tying them together. Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sliding a little off canon here but this is my story ;p Hope you like it.
> 
> Just a reminder that I own nothing, it all belongs to Bioware, I'm just adjusting things.

**** 43 ****

Joker stood at the airlock anxiously looking at his feet. Their time was up, the break from Cerberus was about to become official. They had spent time the previous night removing the Cerberus logo from their uniforms, in fact the entire crew had done the same and removed every logo they could from the ship. It seemed to boost morale and give them all a feeling of relief to be out from under its gaze. Approaching footsteps made him look up and he was thankful to see Garrus walking towards him. The Turian nodded and silently stood beside him. It wasn't long before Shepard joined them, giving him a nervous smile before moving to stand on his other side. He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently, she looked up at him and he could see the sadness and doubt she tried so hard to hide.

'It's not too late,' he reminded her and was happy to see the corners of her mouth turn up as she fought back a grin.

'We have to do this,' she sighed and shook out the tension in her shoulders. 'It's our only option.'

'Doesn't mean we have to like it,' Garrus scoffed and they both looked at him.

The sound of the airlock opening made them jump and they turned and waited for the decontamination process to finish. Eventually the inner door opened to allow entry. Joker followed Shepard's lead and stood to attention, his hand coming up automatically into a salute as Anderson stepped onto the ship. He wasn't back in the Alliance yet but this man deserved his respect, he had done so much for him, and for Shepard, that not to salute him would feel like an insult. But it was more than that, yeah he was an Admiral, but he was also a friend. Joker remembered him sitting beside him in the hospital after the SR-1 was destroyed, sharing his pain, his tears, his anger at being grounded. Before that he'd often approached him during his flight training, as if he knew how good a pilot he would become, as if he was waiting for him to pilot his ship. He'd been there in Joker's moments of doubt, never doubting him or his ability, never for a moment considering his disease as a barrier to Joker's future. Anderson had become a stand in father, someone Joker had gone to because his own father was unavailable to him. Yes this man deserved a salute and Joker was more than happy to give him one.

'Permission to come aboard,' he returned the salute.

'Granted,' Shepard dropped her arm and held out her hand. 'It's good to see you, sir.'

'You too,' he smiled and pulled her into a hug. 'What's with the sir, since when have we been so formal?'

'Just protocol,' she shrugged and he shook his head.

'Joker,' he took the pilot's hand, 'good to see you too, glad to see you took care of our girl.'

'Tried too,' Joker smirked at Shepard who frowned back.

'I'm sure it wasn't easy,' Anderson laughed before turning to Garrus. 'Good to see you too, Garrus, glad she had someone she could trust watching her back.'

'Happy to do it,' Garrus took his offered hand.

'Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega, he will be your shadow until all this is resolved.' Anderson indicated the burly marine standing behind him. He took two parcels from the man's hands as he stepped forward.

'Commander,' James saluted and looked down in surprise as she chuckled and held out her hand.

'Welcome aboard Lieutenant,' she gripped his uncertain hand and Joker hid his smile as the beefcake of a man blushed. The cuts and bruises on the man's face were recent and Joker wondered if he should be concerned. 'A bodyguard, Anderson?'

'You've pissed off some bad people Shepard, so let me make sure you're looked after when you're vulnerable.' He was relieved to get no argument and so was Joker. 'So, is everything going as planned?' Anderson looked to Joker who nodded and almost laughed at the puzzled look on Shepard's face. 'All right, then these are for you two,' he handed a parcel to Joker and one to Shepard. 'How about you show me your ship and introduce me to the crew.'

'Don't you want me to hand her over?' Shepard looked and sounded baffled.

'No, you can bring her in to the Citadel, she's your ship. We will take care of the formal stuff when we get to Earth. We can talk about what's going to happen later.' Anderson chuckled. 'I trust you Shepard, I would like James to remain though, give him a chance to get to know you.' There was an underlying meaning to his words and Joker and Garrus both laughed at the worried look on the marine's face.

'You make me sound like hard work,' Shepard sighed and shook her head.

'Right, like you're not,' Joker raised his eyebrows at her.

'I'm sure we can help the Lieutenant get to know you,' Garrus added.

Anderson laughed as Shepard glared at both of them, 'come on Shepard, show me your ship.' He took her arm and with a nod to Joker led her away.

Joker watched them leave, relieved that Anderson had managed to make the transition a little easier. If he'd followed protocol Shepard would be confined to quarters with no say on how the ship was run while Anderson or someone else would be in command. It certainly helped that he cared enough about her to ease the pain. With a deep breath Joker turned back to James who looked extremely uncomfortable.

'I'm Joker,' he held out his hand. James took it cautiously, gently shaking it and Joker was taken aback, he'd expected a strong grip and had prepared himself for it.

'I know about you,' James gave him a nervous smile, 'I've followed this ship, well the original anyway, since she was built.' He sounded nervous and Joker chuckled.

'Relax, we don't bite.'

'Much,' Garrus added with the equivalent of a Turian smile, openly showing his teeth. Joker laughed as James blanched.

'Garrus, you're scaring the man,' Joker nudged him.

'He's going to be watching over Shepard,' Garrus shrugged, 'he'd better get used to it.'

'Is she really that bad?' James looked from one to the other, 'I've heard some stories, you know.'

'You're life's about to become a living hell,' Joker managed to keep a straight face as he turned to look at Garrus. 'Sound about right to you?'

'Definitely,' Garrus nodded. 'Nightmare material.'

'Oh shit,' James buried his face in his hands. 'I always thought the stories about her being a hard assed bitch to be wrong.' A smothered laugh made him look up and his brow furrowed. 'Fuck!' He turned red as Joker and Garrus broke into laughter at his expense.

'Oh, man, you should see your face,' Joker chortled.

'Don't worry, James,' Garrus put his hand on the man's shoulder, 'she's a real softie at heart. It's just the bullets and explosions that happen around her you have to watch for. Come on, I'll show you around.' He looked at Joker before walking away, 'let me know when.'

Joker nodded and watched them leave. He looked at the parcel in his hand and reality came down hard. There was good and bad to come. He sent out a message then headed for the crew deck to shower and change, hoping that the good would give them the strength to hold out through the bad.

* * *

Joker paced nervously. He glanced out of the observation room window occasionally but mostly he paced slowly and looked at the floor.  He wanted to run his hands through his hair but that would defeat the purpose of combing it, he felt naked without his cap.  He ran his hands down his jacket and hoped he looked presentable. It felt good to be back in dress blues and wearing his Alliance dog tags, it felt like he'd come home. He jumped as the door opened and he turned to see Dr Chakwas and Mordin enter.

'Jeff, you look very handsome,' she walked over and hugged him. 'It's nice to see you back in blue.'

'Thanks doc,' he returned her hug before stepping back. 'Feels good. I just hope it's not short lived and I have to change into prison grey.'

'I doubt that will happen,' she straightened his collar and brushed off his shoulders. 'I'm sure Anderson and Hackett have something organised.'

'Glad you're still here Mordin,' Joker glanced at the Salarian.

'Human mating rituals, interesting, might learn something,' Mordin shrugged. 'Would like to see Shepard happy, more personal, pleasurable.' Joker chuckled and shook his head. 'Besides, still collating data on Collectors for Alliance, need to be here.'

The door opened again and Kasumi walked in, grinning as she looked Joker up and down. 'Well, don't you brush up all right? Always loved men in uniform. And we get to see your eyes out from under that cap.'

'Don't get used to it, it's going straight back on when this is over.' He grinned and accepted her hug. 'Is Garrus okay, everything's under control?'

'Yes, we've got it worked out.' She chuckled and he blew out a breath.

'Sorry, just want this to be perfect,' he shrugged.

'It will be,' Anderson commented as he entered. 'Thanks, Joker.' He took Joker's hand, grinning like the cat that ate the cream.

'What for?'

'For letting me have this honour. You're both special to me as you're aware so being the one to give you this happiness means more than you'll ever know.' Joker noticed his eyes were moist before he looked away.

'Are you inked everywhere?' James was asking as he and Jack entered the room.

'If you're nice I might let you find out,' Jack smirked and Vega gaped . They both stopped suddenly as they realised they weren't alone. 'What?' Jack looked at Joker as he shook his head.

'Thanks for coming, Jack,' Joker chuckled, he knew she wasn't one for mingling with others so it meant something for her to come out of her hidey hole.

'Yeah, whatever, hope you don't mind the hulk joining us.'

'No, he needs to know what's going on,' Joker nodded as the door opened and Jacob joined them.

'Jeff, the Commander is on her way down, Garrus is waiting for her at the elevator.'

'Thanks EDI,' he sucked in a nervous breath as Anderson laughed and placed a hand on his shoulder.

'Okay, let's do this,' Anderson moved to stand before the window, Joker taking up a stance before him, facing the door.

This was it. In the next few minutes his dreams would either come true or be shattered. He heard voices outside the door and he held his breath. His world suddenly became grey as nerves gripped his heart.

'Garrus, what's going on, where are we going?' Shepard was asking as the door opened.

His eyes fell instantly on Shepard. She was wearing her dress blues and the pride in her eyes was obvious, she was stunning and he almost gaped. This was the Commander who had stolen his heart when she walked onto the SR-1. She was also the woman who had willingly given him her heart, who allowed him to see the tender caring person underneath the persona. As her eyes met his she gasped and he saw her grip on Garrus' arm tighten before she smiled and his world exploded with colour.

Slowly Garrus led her towards him as he stepped forward, ready to take her hand in his. He could feel tears burning and he could see the emotion echoed in her eyes. He watched as Garrus pulled her into a hug, sure that even the Turian was misty eyed. Joker accepted her hand from Garrus and was surprised when he found himself held against his hard chestplate before he stepped back with a nod.

'Arelia Shepard,' Joker's throat was tight and he had to clear it, his eyes never leaving hers, his hands holding hers to his chest. 'Will you marry me, right here, right now?'

She shook her head vigorously and Joker was half afraid she was going to break her neck. 'Yes,' she whispered and Joker felt a tear roll down his cheek, glad to see she too was overcome as tears ran from her eyes.

His face felt like it was about to break, his smile couldn't be any wider as he pulled her into a tight embrace before he put her arm through his and they moved to stand before Anderson. His hands were shaking as he turned to face her and he could feel that she was shaking too but the joy in her eyes was mirrored in his. He found it hard to breathe as Anderson spoke beside them.

'You have no idea how happy this makes me,' he chuckled before getting serious. 'As an Alliance Admiral I have the power, and in this case, the honour of bringing together two people who are special to me.' He cleared his throat and began the formal part of the ceremony.

Joker heard Anderson's words but his eyes and heart were trapped by Shepard. Her smile, her eyes, the happiness on her face all conspired to hypnotise him and he was surprised when Anderson called his name and he realised he had to say something. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring he'd had hidden there, taking Shepard's hand and gently sliding it onto her finger.

'Ari, you walked into my life and completely floored me. I never expected to feel the love I have for you and never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be loved in return by someone like you. Your eyes pull me in and I want to drown in them, your smile takes my breath away, your love makes me feel like I could take on the world. You might have to help me, creaky legs and all, but with you by my side I could face anything.' There was a chuckle around them as Joker stopped for a breath before sliding the ring all the way and placing her hand against his heart. 'You belong here, in my heart and from this day until the end of forever it's yours, no matter what.' Joker saw the tears building again in her eyes as she sucked in a breath and looked embarrassed until Kasumi stepped up and handed her a ring. Shepard smiled and sighed in relief.

'Jeff, you took me by surprise and I was never more thankful than I am now that some sort of miracle brought me back. I love your eyes, your sense of humour, your snarkiness,' Joker scoffed and she laughed at him. 'I never expected to fall in love with you but I did and I have no regrets. That you love me so completely overwhelms me, makes me feel special.' She slipped the ring onto his finger and pulled his hand into her chest and laughed as he raised his eyebrows at his hand resting on her cleavage. 'My heart is yours, as well as the bits surrounding it,' he laughed along with everyone else. 'I'm yours as long as you want me and I hope it's forever.'

Joker couldn't believe the emotion that overwhelmed him, he thought he'd felt everything there was to feel but once again he was proved wrong. He heard Anderson finalising the ceremony as the world spun around him, as his heart pounded in his chest and tears ran down his cheeks.

'I think you're supposed to kiss me now,' Shepard grinned at him and Joker looked at Anderson in surprise.

He hadn't heard the words that pronounced them man and wife, he missed the bit that told him he could kiss his bride and he felt like an idiot. That didn't stop him from smiling, slowly cupping Shepard's face and kissing her passionately as his hands moved down her arms and around her back. Her arms slid around his neck and he could feel her shaking as she kissed him back. They parted to the sound of clapping and before they knew it they were being hugged and kissed by those they had come to know as friends, family even. Eventually they stood with Anderson who smiled at them happily after hugging them both.

'Thank you, David,' Shepard gave him another hug. 'For the ceremony, the uniforms, for everything.'

'Not my doing,' he indicated Joker who shrugged as Shepard turned to him.

'I know how much you wanted to be back in uniform and I thought you might like to have the ceremony performed by someone you cared about. I'm surprised I didn't let it slip before now,' he wiped his brow in mock relief.

'I love you,' she whispered with teary eyes as she wrapped herself around him and he pulled his wife into his arms.

'Celebration time,' Kasumi announced and they both looked at her in confusion.

'I thought this was supposed to be kept quiet,' Joker frowned at her.

'It is, just us.' She shrugged, 'although do you really think the crew hasn't guessed.' Kasumi laughed at the look of surprise on their faces, 'besides, if Gardner didn't get the chance to make your wedding cake there's a good chance he'd stop washing his hands after fixing the toilets.'

Joker and Shepard groaned together as the door opened and Gardner carried a cake in the shape of the Normandy towards them. Alongside the ship stood a perfect replica of Joker, with cap, and Shepard. They both looked in awe at the detail, but there was no number on it.

'I figured the Normandy, one or two, was the place where you got together so it was fitting.' Gardner seemed embarrassed as Shepard walked over and hugged him.

'Thanks Rupert,' she grinned at him, 'It means a lot.'

'Yeah, it's great,' Joker shook his hand, 'Had no idea you were so talented though.'

'I have my moments,' he shrugged and handed them a knife.

Kasumi was busy handing out what appeared to be champagne as Joker and Shepard happily cut the cake together.


	44. Chapter 44

**** 44 ****

'What happens when we get to Earth?' Joker asked.

He, Shepard, Anderson and Vega were sitting in the briefing room discussing the plans for handing over the Normandy and Shepard's voluntary surrender to the Alliance. Joker was still on a high from their wedding the day before which was followed by a tiring but very enjoyable night of consummating their marriage. He was amazed at the ring Shepard had found for him, a platinum band with wings carved into the metal, it was beautiful but manly. She was just as happy with the one he'd given her, a white gold ring with two sapphires and a ruby, her favourite stones, laid flat so she could wear it under her armour if she wanted to. In a time honoured tradition they had swapped dog tags so they now had one of each around their necks. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about them being parted but it had to be done.

'Shepard will be put into detention, that's where James comes in.' Anderson indicated the marine who nodded. 'He has full control over security and making sure you're looked after.'

'What about Jeff?' Shepard took his hand and he could tell she was nervous.

'Joker will be questioned obviously, he will be under guard until he's cleared of all Cerberus ties.' Anderson looked at him, 'have you sorted things out with EDI?' Anderson had taken having an AI on board in his stride, having no doubts about trusting her because he trusted Joker and Shepard.

'Yeah, she's agreed to dumb down and only respond to my voice.'

'Good,' Anderson seemed relieved. 'With the cover story Hackett and myself have put in place both of you shouldn't have any problems as far as your time with Cerberus is concerned.' He frowned before continuing, 'what happened with the Batarians is the issue. They're calling for blood, they want Shepard's head on a plate and the Alliance has to be seen to be doing the right thing.'

'They're putting me on trial,' Shepard commented and Anderson nodded. 'How bad can this get?'

He sighed and ran his hands over his face. 'Worst case is they could ask for your execution but it's more likely they'll dishonourably discharge you, we're doing our best to see that doesn't happen. There's a chance you could end up in a civilian prison if that's the case and we lose all control.'

'You can't let that happen!' Joker was suddenly very afraid for Shepard and he felt her grip tighten as she looked at the floor, fighting her own fear.

'Look,' Anderson tried to sound calm but there was obvious tension in his voice, 'we don't plan on things getting that far. We know what's coming and as much as the Council and the Alliance brass want to hide their heads in the sand we're preparing. Hackett is strengthening the fleets with help from those who were at the Battle for the Citadel. The brass might be turning a blind eye but those of us who have seen a Reaper and fought the Collectors are doing what we can. If worst case comes to pass Shepard will be taken care of, is that understood?' He looked at each of them in turn and they all nodded their support.

'What about Vega?' Shepard asked, 'you're asking him to risk his career for me.'

'My choice, Commander,' James didn't give Anderson time to answer. 'I'm happy and proud to do it.'

'What about the Normandy?' Joker needed to focus on something other than Shepard being imprisoned.

'I'm taking her back,' Anderson smiled, 'temporarily at least until Shepard is cleared. I'm making her my mobile command centre and to do that I need the pilot that knows her best at the helm, once she's retro fitted back to Alliance specs of course. Except for the beds, Cerberus certainly knows how to provide comfort.' Joker grinned and Shepard chuckled, Anderson had spent the night in Miranda's old room and he seemed well rested.

'But you're our human Councillor.' Shepard was serious again and she frowned at him.

'My resignation will be forwarded once I get back to the Citadel. I need to be on Earth, to help you.' Anderson held up his hand as she went to object. 'No argument, Udina can have the job he always wanted. Besides, politics are a pain in the ass and I should shoot you for putting me in the position.'

Joker chuckled as Shepard grimaced at the thought of Udina in charge. She hated the man, hence putting Anderson in the position. Personally he was glad Anderson was going to be on Earth. They needed someone they could trust implicitly on the inside and Hackett had to remain at Arcturus to manage the fleets. He felt some measure of relief that the Normandy would stay in friendly hands and that he wouldn't be forced off her. As bad as things might get he was confident that with Anderson, Hackett and others on their side they had a good chance of coming out of this alive and together. All he had to do now was deal with their forced separation. He'd helped take down a Reaper, flown through the Omega 4 relay and into the galactic core but being parted from Shepard, from his wife, was the most terrifying thing he'd ever had to face.

'I'm not going to sugar coat this,' Anderson sighed, 'there are some tough times ahead and it definitely won't be easy. Hell, we'll probably be banging our heads against a brick wall when it comes to convincing the Defence Council about the Reapers. We have people on the inside, feeding information as it becomes available, making sure the information you've brought back gets to the right people.' He glanced from Shepard to Joker and back again. 'I don't know how long this will take. Shit!' He stood up angrily and paced, 'this is all wrong. You should be out there getting ready. We don't know how long we have and to have you tied up with bureaucratic red tape is fucked up.'

'I tried to tell her,' Joker chuckled, 'we should have gone rogue.'

'We need the Alliance behind us,' Shepard slapped him on the arm and he made a show of feigning pain.

'You know if it was up to me and Hackett we'd have you out there with a fleet, damn, we'd give you a medal and promote you.' Anderson sat down heavily. 'The idiot brass have their heads so far up their own asses they have no idea what's happening outside.

'Tell us what you really think,' Joker laughed and Anderson chuckled as James gaped at him.

'Sorry, it's just wrong,' he shrugged.

'We'll get through this,' Shepard reached for his hand and he met her eyes. 'We have to, humanity is at stake and if it takes me being imprisoned for a while then that's what we have to do.'

'Yeah, I know you're right,' he gave her a smile that didn't reach his eyes and Joker knew he was worried for her.

'Vega, why are you doing this,' Shepard stared at the marine who although he didn't flinch under her commander gaze still looked a little in awe.

'I've seen first hand what the Collectors did,' he looked at the floor and Joker guessed there was pain there. 'You were right about them so I have no doubt you're right about the Reapers. Besides, I get to spend every day with the great Commander Shepard, why wouldn't I.'

Shepard groaned and Joker laughed. He guessed he was going to like Lieutenant James Vega and he was glad Shepard had someone watching her back when those closest to her couldn't. Anderson handed them both a datapad and Joker's eyes widened as he read the files.

'You need to get your stories straight.' Anderson was deadly serious now and Joker saw the same commanding presence that he felt around Shepard when she was in Commander mode. 'You have to stand up under interrogation so memorise these files and then wipe them, destroy the datapads.'

'You've got me working for spec ops,' Joker looked at him as the idea hit home. 'Why would they pick me for that?'

'Because you're the best pilot in the Alliance fleet and outspoken enough to be believable.' Shepard spoke before Anderson could. 'What happened after the SR-1 went down put you in the perfect position to be recruited. It's called using your best assets to achieve the smartest results, basic N training.'

'Exactly,' Anderson nodded, 'getting someone on the inside with Cerberus was a coup. With the data and the ship you've brought back you've fulfilled the mission brief successfully. That's how it will appear on record.'

'That doesn't explain Shepard coming back from the dead,' Joker reached for her hand and held it tight.

'As far as everyone except myself and Hackett are concerned you were both undercover on a mission infiltrating Cerberus. Damn, Shepard, we had to pull out the rule book on this to get you reinstated, we've never had anyone come back from the dead before so it wasn't easy. You were KIA, the genetic samples and scans Chakwas sent have verified that you are you, which allowed us to re-open your files and give you back your rank. It doesn't seem enough but it was our only way round it. Only those with the highest clearance will ever know the truth,' Anderson frowned, 'other than those you sent the Lazarus files to. You know you gave Alenko nightmares and made him feel guilty.'

'Fairs, fair,' Shepard shrugged and Joker chuckled. 'What about my crew?'

'They will all be questioned, they have to expect that. The fact that they've stayed on board goes in their favour and your reports have shown that they can be trusted. Those who were previously Alliance and want to reinstate their enlistment can do so once they're cleared. Anyone who isn't Alliance or wants to leave will be free to go on the understanding that they will be flagged at security stations until this is over.'

'There are some good people on board, Anderson, I promised them they'd be looked after.' Shepard reminded him, 'I can get the Shadow Broker to look after them if you can't.'

'I'll keep that in mind.' He nodded. 'All right,' Anderson stood up and they followed him. 'I need to get back to the Citadel and take care of a few things. I'll see you there in a few days when your repairs are completed.'

'Thanks, Anderson,' Shepard hugged him and Joker could see the pain on both their faces.

'Thank you, Shepard, for not giving up on humanity,' Anderson smiled at her before turning to Joker and offering his hand. 'Make sure you look after her.'

'You have doubts?' Joker raised his eyebrows and Anderson rolled his eyes.

'And remember, your marriage is not to become common knowledge, at least not yet.' With a shake of Vega's hand he led the way to the airlock where another round of goodbyes took place and then he was gone.

* * *

'Looks good Gabby,' Joker checked his readouts as they carried out final testing on the electrical repairs. 'Everything's green.'

'Good, then that's it, she's as good as she can be for now.'

'I'll let Shepard know,' Joker closed the com and leaned back in his chair.

He hated the idea of heading back to Earth, of Shepard being arrested but he knew no amount of persuasion would alter her course. He knew she was right but that didn't make it any easier. There were so many questions running through his head. What happens if they give her the death sentence? What happens if Anderson's plans fail? What if they couldn't save her? What if the Reapers arrive while she's in detention? _Aghh!_ Too many questions without answers.

'Jeff, are you all right?' EDI popped up alongside him, 'your biometric readings indicate high levels of stress.'

'I'm fine, EDI, just frustrated.'

'Jeff, can I ask you a question?'

'Sure EDI,' he glanced at her orb.

'Why is Shepard surrendering to the Alliance? They have ignored her warnings and plan to detain her so why would she willingly accept that?'

'Because there's a damn war coming and we need the Alliance, even though they've buried their fucking heads in the sand.' He heard the anger in his voice and forced himself to calm down. 'Shepard knows that we can't beat the Reapers alone, we're going to need not just the Alliance but every other race as well. If she goes rogue she won't get the support she needs, the Reapers will destroy everything, and she can't accept that.'

'You are not happy with her decision?'

'No, yes, it's complicated. I'm not happy with being separated, with her being somewhere I can't save her. I know she's right but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.'

'Not happy about what?'

Joker spun to face Shepard who was smiling at him from the doorway. _God, she looks sexy in blue!_ He loved her in anything, or nothing, especially nothing, but Alliance blue was where she belonged and it reminded him of the very first time he'd seen her and lost his heart.

'Not happy about being separated from you, Mrs Moreau.'

'Joker,' she frowned at him.

'Yeah, yeah, I know, you're still Shepard until we can make it public but I like the sound of it and we're alone right now.' He stood up and leaned against the wall, dragging her towards him. 'I guess I'll just have to go back to fantasising about you in the shower.' He leant down and kissed her neck as she moulded herself to him.

'You fantasised about me in the shower?' She sucked in a breath as his lips ducked below the collar of her shirt.

'Oh yeah, many times,' he grinned as he nipped playfully at her collar bone. 'Those were some of the best showers I had.'

'Maybe you should record one so I have something to watch while I'm away,' she whispered as her hands carded his hair.

'Ooh, kinky. Didn't know you were a voyeur.'

'I've been hanging around you too long,' she giggled, 'but I only want to watch you.'

'Only if you return the favour.' He pulled back and cupped her face, 'I am so going to miss you.'

'I don't do shower fantasies, only bed fantasies. And I'm going to miss you too.' She leaned forward and kissed him and he had to control the urge to carry things past the point of no return.

He drew back and raised his eyebrows at her. 'Really! You had bed fantasies about me?'

'Oh, yeah, best night's sleep I've ever had after.' She laughed at the look of surprise on his face. 'You think only males do those sorts of things.'

'No, it's just …. Well the idea of you fantasising about me, it's sexy and you have no idea how much of a turn on that is.' His voice was husky and low and she shivered against him.

'Oh, I think I can imagine,' she rubbed herself against his growing erection and he groaned.

'Damn it Ari, if we don't stop right now the crew might see things they shouldn't.' He moaned as she stepped away with a laugh.

'Okay, back to business then Flight Lieutenant,' she tried to sound serious but the playful glint in her eye gave her away.

'Yes, Commander,' Joker grinned and swatted her on the backside as he moved past her, laughing as she yelped in surprise. 'Repairs are complete, we're good to go,' he reported as he slipped back into his chair.

'Better make sure everyone who's staying is back is on board and set course for the Citadel then.' All sense of fun was gone as she rested her hand on the back of his seat. 'Time to face the music.'


	45. Chapter 45

**** 45 ****

Two hours. In two hours they would be at the Citadel. Joker couldn't stop the nerves and trepidation that ate at him. Things were about to change and not for the better as far as he was concerned. Anderson would be taking over the ship for the trip to Earth and while Shepard wouldn't be in the brig he knew she would find it hard not being in command. They were used to not having to ask for permission to do something, to go somewhere and that was probably going to be the biggest adjustment, having to fall back into line with Alliance protocol.

He wondered what that would mean for them once their marriage became public knowledge. Usually the Alliance didn't let couples serve on the same ship, something about if one ship went down then at least the other would survive. What if the other one didn't want to survive? He didn't think it would apply to him and Shepard, at least he hoped it wouldn't. He couldn't imagine being on a ship without her, he couldn't imagine both of them not being on the Normandy.

'Hey, man,' James walked onto the bridge and slipped into the co-pilot's chair.

Joker glanced over at him, he looked lost, 'Hey, Vega, looking for something to do?'

'Nah, I just feel out of place,' he sighed and gazed out at the stars. 'I'm not needed to guard Shepard on the ship and the crew just ignore me.'

'You can't blame them for feeling uncomfortable around you,' Joker chuckled, 'you're here to take Shepard away and you represent their uncertain future.'

'Way to make me feel better,' he groaned and Joker laughed.

'At least you don't look like you've been through a meat grinder anymore.'

'Yeah, doc fixed me up, does she always lecture her patients while she's working. She's almost as bad as my abuela.' He shook his head and chuckled.

'Your what?'

'My abuela, grandmother, she used to lecture me for everything.'

Joker laughed, 'yeah, doc likes to do that too. How'd you end up in that state anyway?'

'Met some Batarians who didn't like Shepard so I tried to change their mind,' he shrugged as Joker stared at him. 'They didn't appreciate the vid screen I used as a weapon.'

'Really, a vid screen, that would have been interesting to watch. You were defending Shepard before you even met her?'

'Why wouldn't I, she's a hero man, the shit she's done,' there was genuine respect in his voice and Joker was relieved James was the one who would be watching her back, he had a good feeling about him. 'And you too, you've been there from the beginning. You must have some great stories to tell, Sovereign, the Collectors, the galactic core. That's gotta look good on the resume.'

'Yeah, there have been some moments,' Joker grinned. 'Did you hear about the time I pulled her and the team out of a volcano?' He laughed at the wide eyed stare, 'then there was the time I dropped the Mako in a twenty metre space and Shepard took it through a mass relay. The Omega 4 relay had to be a highlight though, have you seen the vids?' James shook his head so Joker brought up the screen and Vega watched in awe as the Normandy flew through the debris field. As much as it reminded Joker that they'd come close to losing Shepard, again, he would never get tired of watching it.

'Why can't I get missions like that?' Vega cursed. 'I'd be happy to get any of the missions you guys did on the SR-1, never mind the more recent ones. Shit, it must have been hard to watch the Normandy go down, to watch her die.'

Joker couldn't stop the guilt that washed over him, as much as he tried to push it aside it still haunted him. The thought that he might never have had the opportunity to love her, to marry her, to have her love him back was painful and he felt it just as if someone had stabbed him with a knife. Yet now he was about to be separated from her again. The knife twisted and he sucked in a breath.

'Sorry,' James looked at him in concern, 'didn't mean to drag up bad memories.'

'I killed her you know,' he fought to stop the tremble in his voice. 'If she hadn't had to come back for me she would have lived.'

'Not what I hear,' James waited until Joker looked at him before continuing. 'I hear you gave the crew time to escape, that you saved their lives. Besides, she's alive now and you are the luckiest bastard alive.' He stood up and clapped Joker on the shoulder gently.

'Yep, that's me,' Joker grinned.

'Damn right, so don't be an idiot and appreciate what you've got,' he smirked and Joker's eyes narrowed in suspicion. 'If you can't I'm willing to do it for you, I will be spending a lot of time with her.'

Joker gaped at him, not knowing if he was serious or not and Vega laughed, 'don't worry pendejo, she only has eyes for you, anyone can see that.'

'Thanks, Vega,' Joker chuckled. 'I'm glad they've got you looking after her. How'd you end up with that job anyway?'

'Anderson found me and pulled me out of a bad spot then asked me to help him, but I would have volunteered even without that. Don't worry, I'll watch over her for you and I'm looking forward to hearing more war stories from you or her. Doesn't mean I won't flirt with her though,' he threw over his shoulder as he walked away.

Joker just shook his head and snorted a laugh. Shepard might need the distraction that was James Vega in the weeks ahead and as much as he hated the thought of another man watching over his wife, flirting with her, he didn't feel threatened by him. He had a strong feeling that James Vega was going to become a friend to both of them.

* * *

Once again things hadn't gone to plan, he was starting to wonder if they ever would. Joker watched from the bed as Shepard paced the small space in their cabin and he couldn't help the chuckle that escaped.

'What?' She turned towards him with a frown.

'Wearing a hole in the carpet won't help,' he stood up, placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her in towards him. She hesitated but eventually relented and leant against his chest.

'I know, I was just prepared for what would happen and now I have to wait,'

'It's only two days, Anderson said it shouldn't be any longer than that. Wouldn't you rather wait and have Anderson take you in, especially as we're meeting Hackett as well before we reach Earth.'

He kissed the top of her head, he hated the wait as much as she did, simply because they'd both prepared themselves for something different, but if it meant they could spend more time together he would take it. In fact, he was glad that Anderson had been held up with paperwork and meetings for two days. He was in no hurry to get to Earth because that meant he would have to say goodbye and he didn't want to face that pain any sooner than he had to.

'Of course, it's just frustrating, although,' she raised her face to his, her eyes sparkling with desire, 'I can think of fun ways to pass the time. We are docked so you don't have to be at the helm.'

'Mrs Moreau, you have a one track mind.'

'I learned from the best,' she whispered as he claimed her lips.

Joker felt her hands as she slipped inside his shirt, her touch sent shivers through him and he felt her grin against his lips. Not to be outdone he slipped his hands inside her shirt and unclipped her bra before running his fingers lightly across her breast and he was rewarded with a sudden intake of breath and a hard nipple. Her tongue found his as his hands worked their way down her body. Her hand slipped around his hip and inside his pants where she found his hardened erection waiting for her.

'Hmmm,' she hummed as she pulled back, 'what are we going to do with that?' She trailed kisses down his neck.

'I'm sure we can think of something,' he sucked in a breath as she tightened her hold on him.

Joker groaned and she growled as her omnitool beeped. 'Ignore it,' he pleaded but she grinned and stepped back.

'Might be important,' she laughed at the look of frustration on his face as she read the message. 'Looks like we're going out.'

'What now!' He stammered as she moved towards him, kissed him and ran her hand across the front of his pants, lingering for just a moment on his hardness before stepping away. 'Ari, really!'

'Hold that thought,' she smiled at him as she fastened her bra, 'we'll get back to it.'

'Ahh! You're killing me woman!' Joker ran his hands through his hair, determined to make her pay later for torturing him. 'Don't think I won't remember it.' He picked up his cap and watched as she ran a brush through her hair only to have it fly away wildly as soon as she stopped and he chuckled at her frustration. 'Where are we going?'

'Anderson wants us to meet him for lunch,' she opened her omnitool. 'James, Garrus, we're going out, airlock in five.' She turned back to Joker and ran her fingers through his beard and across his lips before kissing him lightly. 'You can make me pay when we get back,' she whispered softly and he groaned.

'Don't think I won't,' he turned her towards the door and slapped her on the behind. 'You have no idea how much you'll pay for this.'

'Oh, I think I might,' she smouldered as they left the room.

'We'd better leave before I push you up against the wall,' he shook his head as she raised her eyebrows at the thought and followed her into the elevator, glad he'd decided to wear loose fatigues and not the more fitted uniform trousers.

Shepard stepped out of the elevator with Joker behind her, his thoughts distracted by the sway of her ass in front of him. Ideas about how he could make her suffer as much as he was were running around in his mind, which really wasn't helping to reduce the bulge in his pants. He was so distracted he almost crashed into her when she stopped at the airlock. A laugh made him look up.

'It'll be good to get of the ship for a while,' James was eager to get going.

'For some of us,' Joker muttered.

'Did we interrupt something?' Garrus would have snickered if he could.

'Not you,' Joker scoffed as Shepard grinned and took his hand, entwining her fingers with his. 'Let's go, the sooner we get this over with the quicker we can get back.'

Garrus took point and James fell in behind Joker and Shepard as they left the dock and mingled with the midday crowds. Joker was suddenly alert as he realised that they were out in the open and he had a strong feeling that something wasn't right. Garrus and James were armoured and armed, nothing unusual for Garrus, he never went anywhere without armour or a weapon. But Shepard wasn't. They were an easy target, surely he wasn't the only one to think that. He couldn't be the only one to remember that Cerberus and the Batarians wanted Shepard, and he was pretty positive the Batarians wanted her dead. He couldn't be the only one thinking that way, it wasn't his job, he was a pilot, it was routine for marines to think like that so they had to be aware.

He glanced at Shepard who was scanning the crowd, watching, but for her it was purely instinct. Over his shoulder he felt James close the gap between them and guessed that he too was alert and watchful. Garrus was parting the crowds without getting too far in front, his head constantly moving, he had the advantage of height to give him a better view. Shepard squeezed his hand as if she knew what he was thinking and he felt a little relieved. So he wasn't the only one aware of the position they were in.

Eventually they reached the Presidium Commons where Anderson had asked them to meet him. Garrus pointed out one of his old haunts to Shepard, a small café that had a clear view of most of the ward if you sat in the right place, they could see Anderson waving at them from the very café Garrus had pointed out. They reached the table quickly, they were all eager to be somewhere a little less exposed.

Joker was just starting to relax, thinking that his worries had been for nothing. He turned to face Shepard, stepping closer as he opened his mouth to speak when something hit him in the back and propelled him forward. He stumbled into Shepard who looked at him in surprise and he was searching for a smart comment but his thoughts were cloudy, his concentration wavered. He thought it strange that he couldn't form his words and his chest was on fire.

'Jeff! No! No …..' He saw Shepard's eyes open in what looked like panic but that couldn't be right, Shepard didn't panic.

Her mouth was moving but all he could hear was a thunderous roar. Garrus was silently yelling into his communicator, gun raised and his mandibles flaring and James was reaching for him. _Why was he leaning like that?_ He felt Shepard's hand on his chest and he realised she was trying to hold him up. He looked down, it was red, his shirt was red, it was supposed to be blue. His vision blurred and the world flipped upside down. He wondered if someone had turned off the lights and gravity as he fell into darkness. His last coherent thought was that he wouldn't get to make Shepard pay.


	46. Chapter 46

**** 46 ****

Joker heard voices. Maybe he'd finally cracked, gone off the deep end. They were muffled, like he was listening to them underwater. He sensed that he was moving, fast. There was pain, lots of pain. His chest was burning and he couldn't breathe. He panicked and tried to move but something held him down. His hands didn't want to work, he couldn't feel his feet. A memory surfaced. Shepard, blood, falling. He tried to turn his head and a voice whispered in his ear, he knew that voice, he loved that voice. He felt something sharp, darkness rushed in but as much as he tried to push it away it beat him.

* * *

'Cerberus! Fucking Cerberus, it had to be!' Heavy footfalls echoed around the medbay as she paced.

'You don't know that for sure, Shepard.' Garrus was seriously worried. He'd never seen Shepard so angry.

'Don't I? The Insane Idiot wants his ship back, he wants control back.'

'Spirits Shepard! Think about this. Why would he want you dead? He paid billions of credits to bring you back because he believed you to be the only hope for the galaxy. Why would he want to kill you now?'

'I don't know, Garrus,' there was a long drawn out sigh and she placed her hands on the edge of the bed as if she needed it's support. 'Polonium, they used polonium rounds.'

'Guess they wanted to make sure if a bullet to the heart didn't get you the poison would.  You're lucky the shooter wasn't professional enough to get both of you, that the bullet didn't keep going after it passed through Joker.'

'I can't lose him, Garrus,' there was a tremor in her voice and a sob escaped as he walked over and pulled her against his chest. 'He has to live, I need him or I have nothing to fight for.'

'He'll pull through,' Garrus hoped he sounded convincing and he hoped he was right.

He'd seen Shepard deal with wounded soldiers on the battlefield without hesitation but he'd only ever seen her scared once before and that was when Joker had left. Joker had to pull through or Shepard might just lose her sanity. He knew what Joker had gone through when Shepard died and he'd hate to see her go through the same thing, they couldn't afford for her to break down, the galaxy needed her.

Whether it was the noises or the fear and despair in Shepard's voice that pulled him back Joker would never really know. He was floating, completely free, flying without the need for a ship and it felt amazing. He was happy to stay in that state until he heard her voice, felt her pain and the need to touch Shepard, to know she was okay, to understand her fear called to the deepest parts of him. Consciousness slowly returned.

The sound of hushed voices dragged him back into wakefulness and he opened his eyes to the dim lights and grey ceiling of the Normandy medbay. There was an invisible weight holding him down, a fuzziness to his thoughts and tiredness. He knew those feelings, he'd spent enough time under anaesthetic to recognise the after effects. He was stiff and sore and felt like he'd gone ten rounds in a boxing ring, not that he'd ever done that to know what it felt like, but he was guessing it would feel something like the pain and dull ache that was his body. It was several moments before his memory caught up with his awareness and he remembered. Blood on his shirt, Shepard holding him up, panic in her eyes. Without thinking he surged forward. Pain made him scream but what came out was hoarse croak.

'Jeff!' Shepard was by his side, gently urging him to lie back. 'You need to stay still, relax.'

He felt the warmth of her trembling hand on his shoulder. Pain lanced through him and he sucked in a breath, it didn't help, in fact it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. He tried to swallow but his throat was tight and dry.

'Here,' Shepard lifted a glass to his lips and water had never tasted so good. 'Please, lie still. You've had surgery to repair your chest and you need to give it time to heal, okay.' She held his hand gently.

He nodded and used what little strength he had to grip her fingers. He managed to focus on her face and he could see tear tracks running through the dark bags under her eyes. Even as he watched her tears formed and a sob escaped as she gently placed her other hand against his cheek.

'I thought I'd lost you.'

'Payback's a bitch,' he managed a smirk and she laughed through her tears. 'Not gonna happen,' he croaked as the remains of the drugs in his system started to drag him under. 'I love you,' he managed to force out before his eyes closed and darkness once again held him down.

* * *

The next time he opened his eyes it was to find Chakwas fussing over him. As his eyes focused he could see the concern on her face and as she met his gaze there was relief there too.

'You're awake,' she chuckled at stating the obvious.

'Hey, doc,' his throat was still dry and he gladly accepted the drink she offered. 'How long has it been?'

'Four days,' she checked his vitals and smiled. 'All things considered you're doing quite well. More than I can say for the rest of us.' She nodded to the bed alongside him where Shepard lay curled up asleep. 'She refused to leave, got quite angry in fact when I ordered her to rest so I had to sedate her. She probably won't be happy but she needed to sleep.'

'You're a brave person, doc,' he managed a grin and tried to move but winced as his chest tightened.

'You're going to be sore for a few more days. We had to repair the chest wall and drain the chest cavity but the surgery went well and you're healing nicely, we've kept you sedated to help you over the worst of it. Although no broken bones this time. A few millimetres more and it would have hit your heart. You were lucky, Jeff.' She fought back emotion as she removed sensors and drips from his arm. 'If you hadn't stepped in front of Shepard it would have pierced her heart, you saved her life.'

'So lucky all round then,' he chuckled to hide the terror he really felt. Timing, it's all about timing. Why had he chosen that particular moment to move in front of her? What fate had placed them in that spot at that moment? How did the shooter know they would be there? That last question had him frowning.

'Jeff?' Chakwas looked at him worriedly.

'I'm okay, just thinking about how everything fell into place.' He pulled himself further up the bed to relieve the tension on his lower body, ignoring his body's protests. 'How long before I can get up?'

'Whenever you feel strong enough, although you'll still have to take it easy for a few days. You'll probably feel a bit nauseous as well, we had to counteract radioactive toxins so the meds will knock you around a little.' She took his hand and held it gently, 'I'm really glad you're okay, losing you would have …..' She closed her eyes and Joker could see she was holding back tears.

'Hey doc, you've been treating me long enough to know how stubborn I am,' he placed his other hand over hers. 'And like you said, no broken bones this time so I guess you get to yell at me for not taking my meds a little longer.' She groaned and chuckled before releasing her hold and moving away.

'I'll go and organise some food for you.' She paused and looked over her shoulder at him, 'you're going to have a scar, nothing huge but still a scar.'

'Really! A genuine war wound,' he grinned at her and she was laughing as she stepped through the door.

Joker moved carefully onto his side, his eyes coming to rest on Shepard. She looked so peaceful. He had no doubt she'd been angry, or that they would be having words. He'd stepped in front of a bullet that was meant for her and she wouldn't be happy about that. Not that he'd done it deliberately, no one had seen it coming, but he knew he wouldn't hesitate to do it again if it meant saving her life.

'I hear you're awake,' Garrus sounded cheerful as he came through the door and Joker shushed him as he pointed to Shepard. 'How are you feeling?' Garrus spoke quietly as he came to stand beside the bed.

'Like I've been stomped on by an Elcor,' Joker grimaced as he moved onto his back. 'What happened?'

'You took a bullet meant for Shepard,' Garrus hesitated and Joker was surprised at the emotion on the Turian's face. 'You saved her life.'

'So I hear and as much as I'm glad I did it wasn't deliberate, although I would have done it anyway.' He glanced over at the woman he loved, 'do we know who it was?'

'No,' Garrus sighed and paced slowly. 'Bailey had C-Sec carry out DNA sweeps of the spot we think the shooter was in but it was pretty clean. The keepers probably got there before we did. Shepard thinks it was Cerberus.'

'You don't?' Joker frowned at the unspoken thoughts.

'No, this seems more personal to me. I've never known Cerberus to use polonium rounds, that's more like something a merc or an individual would use.'

'That's the toxin Chakwas was talking about?'

'Yeah, polonium rounds are illegal but you can still buy them in the wrong places. If you hadn't received treatment fast it would have killed you even if the chest wound didn't.' He leant against the edge of the bed. 'That's why I think this is personal, it would have been an agonising way to die. Besides, it doesn't make sense for the Illusive Man to spend so many credits to bring her back only to kill her.'

'Well she's certainly pissed off a lot of people,' Joker chuckled and settled himself further into the pillows, he was already feeling tired.

'I brought you some food,' Chakwas was saying as she walked through the door. 'You need to eat and then rest,' she frowned at Garrus who held up his hands in surrender.

'I'm leaving,' he chuckled and his hand came to rest on Joker's leg. 'Get better quick, we need you, she needs you.' He looked across at Shepard before leaving them alone.

'Gardner has had chicken soup on standby for when you woke up, apparently it's his mother's recipe,' Chakwas placed a tray on Joker's lap.

'Chicken soup? Where did he get chicken, if it's really chicken?'

Joker eyed the dish suspiciously and took a tentative taste. His eyebrows rose in surprise, it was actually chicken soup and it tasted good. Chakwas laughed and settled herself at her desk as he finished eating. By the time he was done he was struggling to keep his eyes open so with a last glance at his wife he gave in and allowed his body to rest.

* * *

The feel of familiar fingers brushing his face slowly awoke him, aroused him and for a moment there was nothing but pure pleasure. He lay still, if he didn't move it might continue.

'You know, it might get a little hard to explain the sheet lifting,' that familiar voice whispered in his ear.

'I'm having a wet dream, so shoot me.' His eyes shot open in realisation as the fingers stopped moving. 'Oh shit, someone already did that.' He tried to cover but as he met Shepard's eyes he saw the pain there.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him, his other arm lifting slowly around her shoulder, holding her against him. He felt her trembling and cursed himself for letting his mouth run away again. But hey, he was half asleep and she was brushing his face. Belatedly it occurred to him that he probably shouldn't have pulled her into his chest but it was worth a little pain to feel her so close.

'I'm okay,' he kissed her hair and she sucked in a deep breath. 'Sorry, didn't mean to upset you.'

'By being shot, or by being the smart ass I know you are,' he felt her smile and he let out a relieved sigh.

'Both, but you know me, never one to let a chance go by,' he grinned as she lifted her head and looked at him. 'It's why you love me.'

They both turned as the door opened and James stood looking at them both, uncertainty obvious in his downtrodden stance. They watched him take a deep breath before striding into the room, standing at attention at the end of the bed.

'James?' Shepard straightened up but didn't release her hold on Joker's hand.

'Commander,' James was staring at the wall above Joker's bed. 'I want to apologise for not doing my job, for letting you down. I understand if you ask Anderson to replace me.'

Joker couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips, he tried to hide it though. James was embarrassed enough and obviously feeling guilty. He felt Shepard squeeze his fingers and he suddenly felt sorry for James. He watched as she moved to stand beside James, her Commander persona sliding into place.

'What exactly is your job, Lieutenant?' She slowly paced and Joker saw James tense.

'To ensure your safety, to watch your back.'

'Were you watching for threats? Were you aware of your surroundings?'

'Yes, ma'am,' he flicked a glance at Shepard, doubt in his eyes.

'Did you perceive any danger or sense anything out of place?'

'No, ma'am,' he was starting to sound confused.

'Are you psychic or have x-ray vision?' Shepard stopped and looked him in the eye and James glanced from her to Joker.

'I… what …. No?' His stance faltered and Joker couldn't hold in his laughter any longer and James scowled at him.

'Shit, don't make me laugh,' Joker wheezed, 'it hurts.'

'Relax, James,' Shepard chuckled, 'you had no way to know what was going to happen. None of us did. You were as alert and watchful as the rest of us so don't blame yourself.'

James sighed and relaxed. 'Shit, is it always like this around here?'

'Oh no,' Joker shook his head, 'this is a good day, nothing exploded.'

'Hey man, I'm sorry you took a bullet,' James gently placed his hand on Joker's leg.

'Always wanted to be on the ground team, get down and dirty,' Joker shrugged, 'didn't actually expect to get shot though. You guys can have that all to yourself. I'll just stay safely in my chair.' He pulled himself up, pleased to find that his chest didn't hurt quite so much. 'Now help me get out of this bed, my ass is going numb.'

Joker placed his feet cautiously on the floor as Shepard held his arm on one side and James was ready to catch him on the other. He was just straightening as the door opened and Anderson and Chakwas walked in. Shepard and James automatically snapped to attention and saluted, leaving Joker gripping the bed to support himself.

'Way to go, just drop the cripple,' he groaned and then laughed at the horrified look on Shepard's face. 'I'm fine.'

'Glad to hear it,' Anderson chuckled as he stopped before them and waved away the formalities. 'We've checked the security footage,' he glanced at Shepard, 'it was Batarians. Three of them. One was watching the Normandy so they knew when you left, one followed you and the other was already in the maintenance catwalks just waiting for an opportunity to strike.'

'See, Garrus was right,' Joker nudged Shepard's shoulder and she frowned at him. 'Not Cerberus.'

'Do we know where they are?' Shepard asked but Anderson shook his head.

'They apparently had a shuttle waiting and left the Citadel immediately after their failed assassination attempt.'

Joker knew that would drive Shepard nuts, the inability to go after those who had hurt him. He slipped his arm around her shoulder, partly to reassure her that he was okay and partly to support himself. She sensed his need and wrapped her arm around his back.

'How are you feeling, Joker?' Chakwas moved forward and ran her omnitool over him. 'Your chest is healing nicely but you'll still feel it for a while.'

'I'm okay, need to get out of bed.'

'Good,' Anderson nodded and looked at each of them in turn. 'The sooner we get to Earth the better I'll feel about Shepard's safety.'

'Sure, why execute her on the Citadel when it can be done on Earth by her own people.' Joker scoffed and Anderson frowned. 'Sorry, just venting.'

'I don't like this either, but at least in detention she won't have Batarians or Cerberus to worry about.'

'No, just dumb ass politicians and brass,' Joker sighed as Shepard's arm tightened around him. 'Okay, I know, shut my mouth.' He pushed himself as upright as he could and looked at Anderson. 'I'll be ready, it doesn't take much to sit in a chair and pilot, for me anyway. Give me a few hours to shower, find my feet and we'll be good to go.'

'Don't push it, Joker,' Anderson's gaze softened and Joker felt a little guilty. 'Earth's not going anywhere.'

No, Joker thought, it wasn't, unfortunately. Anderson nodded and left as Joker took his first steps. Shepard helped him and James stood by just in case. Dr Chakwas told him he was good to go if he preferred to rest in their cabin as long as he didn't overdo it. Getting into their bed couldn't come fast enough and as he lay resting on Shepard's chest, wrapped in her arms he became a little selfish. Earth and their uncertain future could wait a bit longer.


	47. Chapter 47

**** 47 ****

Joker sat on their bed, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped, staring at the floor. This was it, time was up. He'd managed to get them a couple of extra days while he healed but one hour ago they had passed through the Charon relay and were in orbit around Jupiter. They were waiting for Hackett to arrive, once he did Shepard would be taken to Earth on his ship. She wasn't allowed to travel with the Normandy, with him, any further.

'Damn it!'

Joker looked up as a clatter broke the thick silence around them. Shepard was standing at the top of the stairs, her toiletries scattered on the floor at her feet. Even from here he could see she was shaking and the fear on her face broke his heart. In a single heartbeat he was up and pulling her into his arms, holding her close, burying his face in her neck as he tried to fight back his tears. She was trembling and as her arms wrapped around him and pulled him in tight he realised she was crying into his shoulder. How were they supposed to do this? How were they supposed to walk away from each other? How did they stop their hearts from breaking?

It had been hard enough on the Citadel. The misfits that were their team had left them along with most other crew members, heading out to do their own preparing for what was coming. Anderson had suggested that they not accompany the Normandy to Earth to avoid any misunderstandings or mistakes. Because some of them weren't human they had no legal standing in a human court of law. All of them had made statements in Shepard's defence and Anderson had promised that they would be heard. For those who wanted to rejoin the Alliance the necessary steps had been taken. Joker and Shepard had found comfort in each other's arms, cried together for the family they'd had to leave behind. Where would they find comfort now? Joker's grip tightened and he felt the heat of tears on his cheek.

'I can't do this,' her voice was muffled. 'I can't leave you. I can't face them. How …..?' Her words vanished into her sobs.

Joker closed his eyes against the pain, he couldn't hold her any tighter. The tightness in his chest had nothing to do with his injuries, the fear in his heart gripped hard and he struggled to breathe. But he needed to be strong, for her, for himself. If he broke down now it would destroy her, she would lose the will to see this through.

'I will be waiting for you, as long as it takes. You can do this, Ari,' he hoped he sounded more confident than he felt as he pulled back and met her teary eyes. 'You've taken down a Reaper, and the Collectors, you can definitely face down the Alliance brass.'

'I should have listened to you,' she sniffled

'And of course you wait until the last minute and now you want to go pirate!' Joker did what he always did, deflected pain with humour, although there was no mirth in his heart. 'We can still do it if you really want to, throw Anderson in a shuttle and run away.'

'You would do that?'

'I would do anything if it meant we were together,' Joker cupped her face in his hands, brushing away tears with his thumbs. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and he swallowed hard as the love in them overwhelmed him. He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, tasting the salt of her tears, wanting so much more, needing more. 'I love you, Ari,' he whispered against her lips as he slowly pulled away.

'I love you too,' she said softly as her hand came to rest on his cheek. 'I'm sorry, I've never had to leave my husband behind before, I've never had to face these emotions.'

'Then we're both separation virgins,' Joker grinned and she chuckled. 'Just know that I'm not going anywhere, if the Reapers arrive I will find you, if the brass tosses you in a cell I will visit you, they have to give us conjugal visits after all, once they know we're married.' He waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed. 'You are so much a part of me I can't live without you.' He found her lips again and kissed her with all the love in his heart.

'Commander,' EDI spoke softly, almost reverently, 'I am sorry to interrupt but Admiral Hackett's ship is requesting docking permission.'

'I'm on my way, EDI,' Joker placed a soft kiss on her lips, took a deep breath and left the room. It was tearing him apart inside and every step dragged him further away from happiness and closer to despair. As much as he tried to be strong inside he was close to breaking and he didn't want her to see that.

'Joker?' Anderson was waiting on the bridge, his brow furrowed and concern in his eyes.

Joker couldn't bring himself to speak, he was afraid of what he might say, so he simply shook his head and slipped into his seat. He felt Anderson's hand on his shoulder as he commenced the docking procedure.

'You know this is the only option,' Anderson's voice was soft, caring and Joker knew this was hurting him as much as them but he found it hard not to blame the man who was about to take away the woman he loved. 'If she hadn't come willingly the Alliance would have ordered her capture. It's better this than having some maverick officer wanting to make a name for himself shoot her down.'

'Better for who?' Joker couldn't hide the venom in his voice and he felt Anderson flinch.

'I'll take care of her, Joker,' the hand disappeared from his shoulder as the docking tube between the ships clunked into place.

'I know, it's just hard.' Joker heard Anderson sigh softly as the decontamination process began. 'She's not going to handle being locked up, you know that.'

'I know, I'll do my best to make sure she's occupied.' Anderson gave him a final pat on the shoulder before turning to face Admiral Hackett as the airlock opened.

* * *

Joker shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. Jacob stood beside him, the only member of the team to stay, willing to face the music for Shepard. There was a good chance he would be imprisoned but again Anderson had vouched for his safety. Standing beside Jacob, Hadley fidgeted nervously, he too had opted to stay. On his other side Chakwas grasped his hand gently, her eyes moist as she looked up at him. Joker didn't know how to thank them for their support and friendship, how did you thank someone for risking their freedom, possibly their futures. All he knew right then was that he was grateful they were there.

Thirty minutes earlier he'd been in the briefing room with Shepard, the two admirals and Vega, once more going over what was going to happen. Hackett informed them that an Alliance officer would be coming on board along with a handful of selected people to help get the Normandy to Earth. Joker had wanted to tell them he didn't need their help, he was more than capable of flying the ship but Shepard had gently grabbed his hand so he stayed quiet. He was already starting to hate Alliance protocol.

Now the four of them were waiting for Shepard, waiting to say goodbye and it was killing him. Until now he'd believed he could watch her walk away, now he wasn't so sure. Footsteps drew his eyes towards the CIC and he watched as James approached, carrying Shepard's bag. The marine stopped before Joker and held out his hand, Joker took it willingly, fighting to ignore the finality of what James held in his other hand.

'I'll take good care of her,' James assured him and Joker nodded.

'She'll be a real handful if she gets bored,' Joker managed a smirk. 'She needs to do something physical or she'll go crazy.'

'Anderson has given me permission to set up a training program as long as the brass will allow it. Even prisoners are allowed to exercise.' He grimaced at the word 'prisoner' and Joker knew that Shepard had wormed her way into his heart.

'Thanks, James.' He tried, he really tried hard but no amount of internal head smacking could force him to sound happy. James squeezed his hand in understanding then stepped aside as footsteps announced the arrival of others.

Joker found it hard to lift his eyes from the floor. He was afraid that if he looked at Shepard he would lose it, he would want to grab hold and not let go. Beside him Jacob, Hadley and Vega snapped to attention and saluted as Admiral Hackett approached with Shepard and Anderson in tow. Joker looked up, straight into Shepard's eyes and he choked back a cry as she stumbled. Anderson reached out and steadied her but she seemed not to notice. Her eyes never left Joker's and it was all he could do to not rush forward and take her in his arms. His attention was dragged from Shepard as Hackett stopped before him. Sadness was evident on his face and Joker understood that he wasn't the only one suffering because of this. In reality he already knew others were not happy about this ridiculous, unavoidable situation. All he could hope for was a quick, happy outcome.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau,' Hackett surprised him by holding out his hand but Joker took it cautiously. The use of his rank and title was still strange but the paperwork had been done so it was now official. 'I would personally like to thank you for bringing Shepard home safely, for standing by her side. I've read the reports, seen the footage and heard from others how you kept them alive in what were unknown hostile circumstances. I will be adding a personal commendation to your file regarding your skills, bravery and going above and beyond the call.' Hackett chuckled at the surprise on Joker's face and behind him Shepard beamed with pride, Anderson simply nodded and smiled.

'Thank you, sir,' Joker managed to force out.

'We'll take care of Shepard,' Hackett reassured him, the seriousness in his tone made Joker feel sorry for anyone who dared contradict the aging warrior. With a quick salute Hackett stepped into the airlock.

Joker suddenly found himself face to face with Shepard and his breath caught in his throat. He watched as she thanked Jacob and Hadley for staying on board and for their assistance in taking down the Collectors. He smiled as she hugged Chakwas, the two women fighting back tears, even Anderson had moist eyes. She turned to face him and any thought he had of not holding her for one last time vanished. With a soft cry she willingly fell into the circle of his arms.

'I love you,' he whispered into her hair as he buried his face in her neck.

'I love you,' she replied softly, her breath brushing across his neck sending shivers down his spine.

'I'll be waiting for you,' he pulled back and found her lips, lingering longer than he should have, oblivious to those around them. When he finally came up for air she smiled, nodded and stepped back.

'Joker,' Anderson grabbed his attention. 'You'll need these,' he brought up his omnitool and Joker's came to life as he received information. 'Visitors pass, once you've been debriefed we'll organise visits. I've also given you the frequencies for locked fleet communications, you need to be aware of what's happening, just in case.'

Joker nodded, accepting the information with the seriousness it deserved. He was now privy to upper level communications, Anderson was taking a great risk in giving them to him. He glanced at Hackett who simply nodded. Was this what it was like to be in Spec Ops, to be on the inside? He'd never thought of himself as someone who would be involved in that side of the Alliance but he was discovering that he liked the feeling of being in the know. Right now he needed to be on the inside, to know what was happening. He needed to feel that connection to Shepard.

'We have a request to make of you Mr Taylor,' Anderson's focus had shifted and Joker looked up to see Jacob frowning. 'We'd like you to come with us. Your knowledge of Cerberus security will be extremely advantageous, we know they're not going to stand idly by and let all of this happen. If we can get some idea of how they work we can counteract them.'

Jacob thought about it for a moment then nodded but he turned to Joker. 'Are you going to be okay?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine,' Joker realised that Jacob was asking out of genuine concern. 'These guys need all the help they can get so go help them.' He managed a soft chuckle as Jacob took his hand and shook it.

'Alright,' Anderson sighed and pulled himself erect, looking every part the Alliance N7 Admiral that he was. 'Let's do this.'

Joker watched as Hackett also pulled on his Admiral persona but it was Shepard that truly amazed him as she lifted her shoulders, sucked in a breath and looked every bit the fierce warrior woman he knew her to be. She gave a quick glance over her shoulder before she followed Hackett across the gangway, her steps solid, her walk strong and forceful. Commander Shepard was in full view and Joker felt sorry for anyone who got in her way.

Unfortunately for him he wasn't quite as strong. As the airlock closed behind her he felt his legs give way and he stumbled backwards into a chair, tears burning his eyes. Chakwas was hurriedly by his side but he waved her away. This wasn't anything she could fix. He was a little ashamed of himself, she had been so strong as she walked towards detention but he was falling apart. She deserved more from him. He pulled in a deep breath and forced himself to his feet.

'I have to go pack my stuff from the Commander's quarters,' he looked to Hadley, 'think you can handle things for a while?'

Hadley nodded and slipped into the pilot's seat as Joker walked towards the CIC. Chakwas walked beside him but he couldn't shake the memory of the last time the ship was this empty. Once again it felt like a ghost ship, it was devoid of life, of warmth. For the second time in his life he hated his ship.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, heading into uncharted space now - filling in the bit between ME2 & 3\. Hope you enjoy it.

**** 48 ****

Joker picked up the model of the Normandy SR-1. He smiled as he remembered the fun they'd had putting it together. They'd ended up with glue and paint everywhere as they fought over pieces, both wanting to be the first to get most of it built. He stroked the model gently, it was only a miniature version but there were memories associated with what it stood for. They were good memories, happy ones, now especially he needed to hang on to them.

'Jeff, are you all right,' EDI broke into his thoughts.

'No, not really,' he sighed and placed the model lovingly into the crate he'd been packing alongside the others in Shepard's collection.

'Is there anything you require?'

'No, not unless you can bring Ari back.' He closed the crate and set the lock.

'I am sorry Jeff, but that is beyond my capabilities.'

'I know EDI, I was just thinking out loud.' He picked up his duffel bag and started packing his clothes.

'An Alliance shuttle is requesting permission to dock,' EDI informed him.

'Let them in,' he shrugged in defeat.

He continued to pack his things, in no hurry to meet whoever Anderson had sent to take away his ship. He was in the bathroom gathering his toiletries when the door to the cabin opened. Someone entered the room and he deliberately took his time, not eager to face some unknown person who was going to ask him a lot of questions.

'Joker?'

Joker stopped what he was doing and straightened up. He knew that voice. He wasn't sure if he should be worried or relieved. Slowly he stepped into the doorway and glanced around the corner. The man standing at the door seemed almost as hesitant to meet him and Joker took a little bit of comfort in that. Carefully he stepped out of the bathroom.

'Alenko!' Joker failed to hide the surprise in his voice.

'Hey,' the dark haired biotic stepped further into the room, his eyes glancing around. 'Wow, Cerberus certainly knows how to impress.'

'Yeah, the fish tank's a bit of a worry but …..' Joker stared at him. 'What are you doing here?'

'Anderson thought it might be better to send a familiar face,' Alenko shrugged. 'Adams is down in engineering,' he chuckled and shook his head, 'he couldn't wait to see the core, to see how Cerberus improved on the original.' He moved towards the fish tank and watched the fish for a moment before turning back to Joker. 'Are you okay?'

'Oh yeah, just great. I had to watch my wife being taken away with no idea how long it will be before I can hold her again. I'm about to lose my ship and don't know if I'll ever get her back. The Reapers are coming and no-one wants to listen. Why wouldn't I be okay?' Joker shrugged as his eyes burned with unshed tears. 'I'll have my stuff packed up so you can have the quarters.' He moved towards the bed and angrily shoved the last of his things in his bag.

'That's not necessary,' Kaidan sighed, 'I'm not here to throw you out …. Wait, did you say wife?'

'Yeah,' Joker nodded and looked at Kaidan through narrowed eyes. 'Didn't Anderson tell you anything about us?'

'No,' Kaidan looked at him with raised eyebrows.

'Shit, well I just put my foot in it.' He grinned and shrugged. 'Should I be worried about my bones being broken?'

'No,' Kaidan chuckled and held out his hand. 'Congratulations, I'm happy for you.'

'Really,' it was Joker's turn to raise his eyebrows as he took the offered hand. He and Kaidan had been friends once, maybe they could be again.

'Yeah, as much as I like to dream about it Shepard would never want me, I was too much of a risk.' He stared at the floor for a moment before sucking in a breath and meeting Joker's stare. 'How about you show me this ship of yours.'

'So, I see you've been promoted,' Joker indicated the Major's bars on his collar as they walked towards the elevator. 'You must have done something impressive to move up so fast.'

'I've had my own share of adventures,' he grinned. 'Most of them classified.'

'Well, I'm on the inside now so your secrets are safe with me,' Joker pushed the button for engineering.

'Yeah, until you want to blackmail me for something,' Kaidan laughed.

'Ouch,' Joker smirked as the elevator doors closed. He was thankful for the distraction, glad to have someone to talk to. It took away the pain, at least for a moment.

* * *

'Alliance Command, docking clamps are engaged, Normandy is powering down. Crew are preparing to disembark then the ship is yours.'

'Roger, Normandy, it's good to have you back.'

'Ah, thanks,' Joker shrugged and frowned at Kaidan who stood by his shoulder.

'It's nice to see you where you belong,' the disembodied voice sounded amused. 'There are some of us who are aware of what's going on.'

'This is Major Alenko, is this channel secure?' Kaidan was frowning now.

'Yes sir,' there was a sudden sharpness to the tone, 'this entire facility is dedicated to the Normandy and her refit. Admiral Hackett hand-picked everyone on duty here.'

'Very well,' Kaidan shook his head as Joker gave him a questioning glance. 'Advise the refit team they are welcome to come aboard.'

'And tell them to leave my seat alone,' Joker instructed.

'Of course, Flight Lieutenant,' the voice was chuckling now. 'We have been told of your specially built leather seat.'

'Good,' Joker nodded and Kaidan jumped in surprise as he spun his seat quickly. 'Guess it's time to leave.'

Joker stood up and took a last look around the bridge, it probably wouldn't be the same next time he saw it. If he ever saw it again. He looked towards the CIC, remembering the number of times he'd watched Shepard stand at the Galaxy Map. With a sigh he slowly walked toward the elevator, behind him the airlock began its cycle.

'Take your time, Joker,' Kaidan walked beside him, his hand resting gently on his shoulder. 'Do you need a hand?'

'No, just need to grab my bag, the rest can be stored, it's mostly Shepard's stuff.' He stepped into the elevator, punched the control and watched the CIC disappear as the doors closed.

He stood before the door to the loft, not wanting to enter because it would signal the end of his current tour on the Normandy. It would be the end of something that had been a part of his life for so long. It would mean he had no home. He scoffed at his depressive thoughts. The ship had only been home while Shepard was on it. Now it held nothing but memories. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

* * *

Alenko came to a sudden stop as they stepped out of the airlock and Joker almost bumped into him.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau, you are under arrest and will be taken into custody.' A fresh faced Lieutenant stood on the dock with two MPs.

'And you are?' Kaidan frowned at the man who glanced at him in surprise.

'Lieutenant Davies, Alliance Intelligence.' His chest puffed up with pride and Joker scoffed.

'Does Alliance Intelligence consider themselves above military protocol?' Kaidan stood at parade rest.

'No, ah … no sir,' he snapped into a salute as he finally recognised the Major's bars on Kaidan's uniform.

'Who gave you orders to arrest the Lieutenant?'

'Major Whittaker, sir.' The young officer was trying to keep control but was quickly becoming flustered.

'What the hell is going on here?' A voice boomed from the dock and Joker and Alenko snapped to attention and saluted. The Intelligence Lieutenant wasn't as quick and turned around to see who else was going to interfere with his task. He quickly changed his mind when he saw the Admiral's bars.

'It appears Alliance Intelligence wants to arrest Joker, sir,' Kaidan dropped the salute at Anderson's acknowledgement.

'On whose orders?' Anderson turned his full N7, Admiral's voice on Davies who seemed lost for words.

'Ah, Major Whittaker, sir,' he glanced around nervously and Joker hid his chuckle behind his hands, as did the MPs.

'You go back and tell Major Whittaker that if he wants to arrest the Lieutenant he'd better come down here and do it himself,' Anderson scowled at Davies. 'You can also tell him that if he does he will have to go through me and I will bust his ass back to corporal and he'll be cleaning latrines for the rest of his military career. You can also tell him I will be investigating how he came to know of the Normandy docking as this was highly classified and Alliance Intelligence was not on the need to know list.'

'Yes, sir!' Davies was doing his best not to run for his life.

'Dismissed!' Anderson waved him away and he dashed along the docks, two chuckling MPs following slowly behind. 'Damn fool intelligence,' Anderson cursed as he came to stand before Joker and Alenko. 'Has the refit team boarded?'

'On their way now,' Kaidan informed him and added with a chuckle, 'Adams is down in engineering and has no plans to leave any time soon.'

Anderson laughed, 'knew he'd be excited. Let's get you settled Joker.' He waited till Joker had moved beside him before turning to Alenko, 'Once the refit team is on board come and see me, I have new orders for you.'

Alenko nodded and watched as Anderson led Joker away from his ship.

* * *

Joker was angry and frustrated. Three weeks, that's how long it had been since he walked off the Normandy. He'd been marched from one interrogation to another and he was feeling it to the point where he'd asked for crutches, his legs were starting to feel the strain. He'd been given clearance to visit Shepard but once again morons stood in his way. He was beginning to wonder if the Alliance had lowered the entrance requirements while he was gone. Two marine lieutenants stood blocking his access to the detention level where Shepard was being held. He would have called for help but his omnitool had been disabled.

'I suggest you let me in to see Shepard,' Joker fought to control his urge to hit the Lieutenant standing in his way. 'I have every right to visit my wife.' His legs were aching and he was so angry he wasn't thinking straight.

'Yeah right, like the so called great Commander Shepard would marry someone like you,' the Lieutenant scoffed and Joker's fists clenched.

'Has everyone in the Alliance suddenly turned into idiots and morons,' Joker stepped forward.

'Watch it cripple, we'll have you arrested,' he grinned at his companion who looked unsure. 'After we've had a little fun.'

'Just try it,' a voice from behind made the two men jump and they spun to face Vega who strode angrily towards them. 'I'll have you on report so fast your head will spin.' He came to a stop before Joker and nodded before facing the two marines. 'Why are you blocking Lieutenant Moreau's access?'

'He tried to tell us he's Shepard's husband,' the louder of the two scoffed. 'Like we'd believe that.'

'Why wouldn't you?'

'As if a hero like Shepard would marry someone like him.'

'Like him?' Vega bristled and the marines looked surprised. 'If it wasn't for him Shepard wouldn't be around to be in detention. If it wasn't for him we'd be under Reaper attack right now. You should both feel damn proud to be breathing the same air as him. He's as much of a hero as Shepard and if I ever hear you treating him like shit again I will have some fun with you, and believe me you won't enjoy it.' Vega was in full protection mode and Joker grinned as the two marines stepped back. 'And just so you know, he is Shepard's husband and he's more of a man than you two will ever be. Now get the fuck out of here, report to Admiral Anderson and tell him how much of an idiot you are.' Vega stepped aside and pointed to the elevator.

For a moment Joker thought the two men were going to argue but the one who had been quiet just shook his head, pushed the other man forward and left without a word. Joker waited until the elevator doors closed behind them before turning to Vega.

'Thanks, Vega, thought I was going to have to fight my way through.'

'EDI sent me a message to let me know you were in trouble, apparently she's hooked into the video feed on this floor.' Vega chuckled, 'I wonder if Anderson and Hackett know just how smart she is.' He motioned for Joker to follow him and slowly led the way to Shepard's room.

'How is she?' Joker was suddenly nervous, he'd waited for this moment but wasn't sure how his visit was going to be received.

'Quiet, depressed.' Vega frowned, concern obvious in his voice. 'She doesn't want to talk to anyone and the Alliance shrinks have been trying to get her to open up.'

'That won't work,' Joker scoffed. 'Don't they realise she's N7, she's trained to withstand all that.'

'Doesn't mean they won't keep trying.' Vega stopped before Shepard's door. 'I think seeing you will be what she needs.'

Joker nodded, placed his crutches against the wall and took a deep breath before opening the door. Shepard was standing before the window and he almost cried at the look of despair on her face as she turned to face him. Without a sound she was in his arms, her lips on his, her tears rolling down her cheeks. He pulled her in tight, soaking in the scent of her hair, the taste of her tears, the warmth of her kiss. It didn't matter that he'd spent three weeks locked in a room being asked the same questions repeatedly or that he filed report after report and then had to verify every report against the mission logs of the Normandy. He didn't think about the nights he'd curled up in his bed, afraid that he'd never be free, that they'd die without ever seeing each other again. He didn't care about the shrinks trying to get into his head, their constant questions that drove him insane or their repeated attempts to get him to blame Shepard for every crime they could concoct. He forgot about the pain in his legs as they held each other up.

She was in his arms, he was kissing her with the same passion she was showing him. Their arms were around each other, their love was strong and would see them through. That was all that mattered and of that he had no doubt.


	49. Chapter 49

**** 49 ****

Joker lay stretched out on the sofa in Shepard's cell. It wasn't the most comfortable position but that didn't matter, right now he wouldn't care if he had to lie on a bed of nails. The woman of his dreams was curled up beside him, her head on his chest, her arms wrapped around him and her warm, regular breathing indicating she was asleep. The dark bags under her eyes, the despair on her face and the tremble in her hands all told him she wasn't sleeping. She wasn't coping. He'd lie like this forever if it kept her alive and sane.

Their initial passion had given way to tender embracing. Shepard had cried and so had he, there was no shame or embarrassment on either side, their emotions had simply got the better of them both. They had reassured each other that their love was strong, that they were still there for each other. He'd listened as Shepard told him of her fears and doubts, of her belief that she wouldn't be able to get through this. He'd watched as she became angry at what she believed was betrayal on the part of Anderson. How was she supposed to fight the Reapers? Why was she locked up, not allowed to give her reports, to tell her story? He'd held her tight as she wished they were together, his own want building as she spoke of not sleeping without him by her side. But it wasn't the time or place for anything other than holding and talking.

Now he was just content to lie still with her in his arms and let her get the rest she needed. He was afraid for her, she was heading back into the realm of depression, she'd been there before but he'd been there to pull her out. This time there was no guarantee he would be and the doctors that supposedly knew what they were doing would try to treat her with drugs or therapy. He was afraid she would lose herself, her confidence in her abilities, and without the support of those she'd come to trust she might never regain it.

He knew she was a strong person, she was Commander Shepard after all. She'd been through hell and marched proudly and bravely out the other side, give her a mission, something to fight for and she would be fine. Lock her in a cell, take away everything she fought for and believed in, leave her with nothing to do and she'd still come out the other side, but he had his doubts about just how strong she would be afterwards. He knew she'd put on a brave face, be the strong commander everyone needed but inwardly she would doubt herself. It was what she did, he'd seen it after she was brought back, he was just lucky enough to be let in, to be her support.

The door whooshed open and he looked up to see Vega standing sheepishly in the doorway. Joker felt Shepard stir and he cursed Vega's timing.

'Sorry man,' Vega whispered and shrugged. 'Anderson wants to see you.'

'Okay,' Joker nodded and he felt Shepard's arms tighten around him. 'Give me a minute.'

Vega nodded and left. Joker kissed the top of Shepard's head and rubbed his hand gently up and down her back, giving her a moment to wake up properly.

'You have to go,' she sighed but snuggled further into his arms and turned her face towards him.

'Yeah,' he cupped her chin with his free hand and lowered his lips to hers. 'I'm going to do everything I can to see you every day. I'll win them over with my charm and personality.

'Guess I'll see you in six months then,' she scoffed and he scowled.

'Are you saying I'm not charming or lovable?'

'Only to those of us that know you well.' She grinned and he rolled his eyes.

'Are you going to be okay?'

'Yeah,' she sat up and laced her fingers through his. 'I'll be fine, as long as I know you're okay and waiting for me.'

'Always,' he sat up and wrapped his fingers around hers. 'I have no choice, you've become the air I breathe so I need you to survive.' She groaned and shook her head. 'Too sappy?' He chuckled and was relieved to hear her laugh. 'Seriously, Ari,' he turned so he could meet her eyes and cup her face, 'I love you and I would wait forever if I had to, hopefully it won't take that long.'

'I love you too,' she stroked the side of his face and he leaned in to her touch. 'I'll get through this, it's just another mission, right.'

'Right,' he smiled and kissed her tenderly.

'You need to go,' she pulled him in close and buried her face in his neck.

Joker gave her a final hug before standing and walking to the door. He glanced back as the door opened to see her head bowed, her eyes riveted to her hands as her fingers linked and unlinked nervously. The last thing he wanted to do was leave but he had no choice. Besides, he had a few things he wanted to say to Anderson.

'Is she okay?' Vega asked as Joker gathered his crutches.

'No, she's not.' Joker made his way to the elevator and Vega followed. 'She need something to do, she's a soldier, an N7. Sitting still in a small space will drive her insane. Can you at least get her into the gym?'

'I've put in a request but it hasn't been approved,' Vega shook his head, 'everything takes forever around here.' He watched Joker step into the elevator, 'I'll do my best to take care of her, Joker.'

'I know,' Joker sighed, 'I trust you to look after her, it's her state of mind that worries me.' He saw Vega nod as the doors closed but his guts were churning as concern for his wife overwhelmed him.

* * *

'Joker.'

Anderson waved him to a seat but Joker was too angry to sit. He'd had to leave Shepard, disturb what was probably the best sleep she'd had in days, only to be kept waiting outside Anderson's office for over an hour. As painful as it was he stood before Anderson's desk, he'd left the crutches outside, his anger was over riding his need for them,  but if he could have managed it he would pace the room.

'Are you okay?' Anderson looked up at him from his desk, his brow furrowed and his gaze one of concern.

'No, I'm not fucking okay and neither is Shepard! She was asleep, probably the only decent sleep she's had since we arrived and I had to disturb her because you wanted to see me, then I spend an hour waiting when I could have spent it with her, letting her get more rest.' Joker gave in to his need to pace and slowly worked his way across the room. The fact that he was speaking to a superior officer never entered his mind. 'She's not doing well and those damn shrinks will only make it worse. She'll never open up, she's trained to withstand their questioning but I'm afraid of what it will do to her. She's shutting down and I'm not sure even I could get her to open up again.' His tirade and the pain in his legs left him breathing heavily and he gripped the back of the chair as he passed in front of Anderson's desk. He faced Anderson, his anger dissipating slightly and morphing into concern. 'She trusted you and Hackett but she feels like she's been betrayed. What the hell is going on?'

'Joker, sit down, you're in pain and only making it worse.' Anderson waited until Joker had finally settled in the chair. 'I've taken care of the doctors but I had to make a compromise.' He sighed and Joker knew he wouldn't like what was coming. 'They've limited her visitation rights.'

Joker felt the world fall away beneath him. His eyes focused on a mark on the floor and his heart pounded in his chest. He'd promised her he'd try and see her every day and he wasn't going to be able to keep it. She'd think he'd betrayed her too, her state of mind wouldn't allow her to see it any other way right now. His body was reacting beyond his control, he felt the cold clammy light-headedness of nausea and he fought down the bile that rose in his throat. Darkness clawed at the edges of his mind and the room spun.

'Joker,' a warm hand on his shoulder gave him something to focus on and he grasped for it. 'Should I call a doctor?'

'No,' he croaked and swallowed hard, slowly gathering his senses. 'Just give me a minute.' He leaned forward and dropped his head between his knees, his stomach contents gradually settled and the room came back into focus.

'Are you okay?' Anderson knelt beside him, 'I thought you were going to pass out on me.'

'Yeah,' Joker sat up and took a few deep breaths, gratefully accepting the glass of water Anderson offered. He downed the water, removed his cap and ran his fingers through his hair before replacing his cap and looking at Anderson. 'There's something you should know, something that wasn't in any of the reports.' He sighed and waited until Anderson stood up and leant against his desk. Joker was about to break a confidence and while he knew he could trust Anderson it still pained him to do it. He stared at the floor as he spoke.

'When Shepard was brought back she didn't cope very well, she traveled a slow spiral into depression and despair. It was even worse after her visit to you and topped off by what Alenko said to her on Horizon. She'd lost everything she believed in, everyone who trusted her and she was forced to work for the enemy. Oh, she put on a brave front, she was Commander Shepard, but those of us who were close could see her pain and suffering. She was in a dark place and now she's afraid of that dark.' He looked up to see Anderson standing with his eyes closed and he had no doubt he was fighting his own emotions, he cared for Shepard, she was the daughter he never had and he probably felt a little guilty for not being there when she needed him. 'I don't know if she'll survive this with her soul intact, especially if she has no-one to support her.'

'Joker, I ….' Anderson seemed lost for words and Joker watched him as he walked to the window and looked out. He was deep in thought and Joker felt a sliver of joy at causing him pain but it quickly passed as he saw the anguish on the man's face.

'We have to help her, Anderson,' Joker stood up and moved to stand beside him. 'If we don't we're going to lose the woman we know and love and I don't think either of us will be happy with what's left.'

'We're going to need her in this fight, she's the only one who can lead us, who has the experience.' Anderson glanced at Joker, 'I'll come up with something. Under Alliance regs they can't block her visitation rights forever. They've accepted that she was working for spec ops but right now they're more worried about Batarian retaliation so they want to be seen to be doing something.'

'Typical political bullshit,' Joker scoffed. 'You can start by giving her something physical to do, let her go to the gym. Vega said he'd put in a request but hasn't had any response.'

'I can fix that,' Anderson strode purposefully to his desk and entered a few commands on his terminal. 'Done, she can visit the gym daily at least.'

What about visitors, as her husband do I get access?'

Anderson thought for a moment but his eyes held sadness as he answered, 'if we let it be known you're married it might make things worse, you'd be partners in crime and you'd be isolated too.' Joker moved back to sit down as Anderson continued, 'I've already got clearance for you to work on the Normandy refit, as her pilot you know her best, besides, EDI's been giving the techs some problems. Apparently she's locked them out of a few systems and thwarted any attempts at overrides. She is refusing to respond to any orders, keeps asking for your access code. I've taken the Normandy back, temporarily of course, we're refitting her as a mobile command ship for when the worst happens but without her being finished she'll be pretty much useless. I'd like to keep EDI alive, I know you and Shepard trust her and that's good enough for me.'

Joker chuckled and had no doubt she was driving the techs insane. But that didn't help with Shepard. His relief at being allowed to return to the Normandy was overshadowed by concern for his wife. He had an idea but it involved lying to her and he knew if she ever found out she'd never forgive him.

'Thanks for that,' he sighed and met Anderson's stare, 'but we still need to help Ari. Can you get her to write reports on how to deal with the Reaper threat, get her to outline what needs to be done, use her knowledge. I know the Defence Council doesn't believe her but she doesn't have to know the order doesn't come from them.' Joker watched as Anderson mulled over the idea. 'She needs something to concentrate on, to make her believe she's helping prepare. Even if it never goes beyond this room it might help her cope.'

'You want me to lie to her?' Anderson frowned and Joker nodded. 'You know there's a good chance she'll see through it.'

'Yeah, but what else can we do?' Joker slouched in the chair, he was tired, exhausted physically and emotionally, but he couldn't rest until he knew something was being done to help Shepard.

'Actually it might not be as much of a lie as we think. I want her advice on how to deal with the threat, I trust her judgement and knowledge and so does Hackett. He'll appreciate any suggestions she might have. The Defence Council doesn't need to know.' A smile slowly broke out on his face and he looked at Joker with new found optimism. 'Don't you need to visit the gym daily for your physiotherapy?'

Joker sucked in a breath, Anderson was risking his position by even suggesting he go against orders. That he would do that indicated to Joker just how concerned he was about their girl.

'Yeah, at least an hour a day, Dr Chakwas will have my butt if I don't follow her orders,' Joker grinned and Anderson chuckled. 'She won't be happy that I haven't been allowed to do it for the last three weeks.'

'I'm sure the report she will send to the Alliance doctors will be scathing in regard to their lack of care for your physical needs.' Anderson chuckled and Joker felt some hope for the first time since he'd been locked in his room. 'You'll have to send your schedule to Vega, I'm sure he'll do his best for the welfare of his charge.'

'Ah, that would be great, but no omnitool,' he waved his arm in the air. 'Confiscated, remember.'

'Well you're about to go back to the Normandy and I need to be able to contact you about her readiness,' Anderson reached into a drawer and tossed an omnitool at Joker. 'This has mine, Hackett's and Vega's contact information on it, as well as those codes you'll need. You might want to add a couple more. I know of one person in particular who could be very useful right now, her information network is something we need.'

Joker almost cried at the thought of being back in the loop, of being able to see Shepard, even if they couldn't physically touch just being in the same room was better than nothing. He'd find a way, he had to, Shepard had thought he was joking about her being the air that he breathed, but he wasn't. She was so much a part of him now living without her made him feel like he was suffocating.

'Vega has Shepard's best interests at heart,' Anderson mused and Joker glanced at him curiously. 'If someone sent him a message, say about how much they missed her, I'm sure he'd pass it on.'

'You're asking him to take a risk,' Joker pointed out.

'He already knows the risks and what's at stake,' Anderson reminded him. 'I really don't think that's going to change any time soon.'

Joker nodded and stood up, 'when do I report to the Normandy?'

'Actually your escort is waiting outside to take you to your new quarters, we've given you a room on the lower floor in the visiting officer's quarters.' he chuckled at Joker's frown. 'Purely for your own safety, Shepard would kill me if anything happened to you. They'll also pick you up in the morning, 0800, to take you to the Normandy.'

'Are they part of your handpicked people too?' Joker said resignedly.

'Of course,' Anderson chuckled, 'you just might like them.'

Joker took Anderson's offered hand, his heart much lighter than when he entered the room. He was being given limited freedom and he wouldn't actually have to break his promise to Shepard about seeing her every day. It might not have been how he planned it but it was something at least. He was eager to leave, to have some privacy so he could send Vega a message to pass on.

'Take care of yourself, Joker,' Anderson walked to the door with him, 'there are still risks out there and we can't afford to lose you either.'

'Yes, sir,' he nodded and smiled, 'and thank you.'

Anderson nodded as Joker stepped into the foyer of his office. Two female privates stepped forward and introduced themselves and he heard Anderson chuckle at the admiration in their voices. Joker waved for them to lead the way, he had a purpose now, something to look forward to so there was no time to waste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We never saw what went on during Shepard's incarceration, she was supposedly there for 6 months and being without contact and something to do would probably have driven her mad. I hope my take on this period of time does the story justice.
> 
> I'd also like to thank everyone reading, leaving kudos or messages. Really makes my day ;p


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning. If you're not into adult stuff skip over the bit in italics. Once again just filling in bits that were missing.

**** 50 ****

Joker sat in his chair. His eyes stared at the screens as simulations ran on the last round of tweaks on the drive core but he wasn't really seeing them. His thoughts were elsewhere. The last three months had flown by and he'd settled into a daily routine of an hour in the morning at the gym with Shepard, working on the Normandy during the day or writing reports for Anderson to pass on to the Flight Academy, then an hour in the gymnasium's heated pool with Shepard. Their time together had become a lifeline for both of them, they had managed a few stolen kisses, the occasional lingering touch, but their afternoon swims had become extra special after EDI had recorded their sessions then looped the feed to give them some privacy. They'd been the only ones in the pool most days thanks to some organising by Vega but the first time it became their private haven surprised them all.

' _What the….' James chuckled and walked over to where Joker and Shepard sat on the side of the pool, side by side, hands just touching. 'I have something you're going to like.'_

_Joker and Shepard looked at the message on his omnitool from EDI and they both stared up at him in surprise. He laughed at the dumbfounded looks, these were two of his favourite people but they could be idiots sometimes._

' _Hey, Westmoreland,' he called to the Private whose turn it was to look after Joker today and Joker was sure she blushed as he walked towards her. 'This humidity is playing havoc with my sinuses, how about we sit in the foyer.' He led the confused woman from the pool his gaze aimed at a camera as they moved to the door. 'We can lock the door so they can't leave and no-one else can come in.'_

_Joker and Shepard watched him leave in stunned silence. It didn't take long for Joker to take advantage of the opportunity they'd been given and he slipped into the pool. He loved being in the water, it allowed him a freedom of movement that he normally didn't have. With gentle hands he urged Shepard to follow and pulled her against him as they moved to the deeper end of the pool._

' _Make sure you thank EDI when you get back,' Shepard slipped her arms around his neck and allowed him to pull her through the water._

' _Yes ma'am,' he said hoarsely, the feel of her wet, smooth skin against him aroused needs he'd fought to ignore since they'd been separated. He placed her against the wall of the pool, his feet firmly planted in the chest deep water as she wrapped her legs around him. 'I've missed you,' he whispered and claimed her lips, tenderly at first but passion and need took over and their tongues battled for dominance._

' _I've missed you too,' Shepard whispered as he kissed his way down her neck. 'Oh god! I've so missed that,' she moaned as he cupped her breasts and his thumbs circled her nipples through her swimsuit._

_As thin as it was her swimsuit was an impediment that Joker quickly removed, sliding it down to her waist, following the roll of the fabric across her breasts with his lips. He was rewarded with a moan and her hips instinctively rocking into his. She met his eyes with a sly grin and he groaned as she deliberately rubbed herself against his erection. He could feel the warmth between her thighs through both their swimsuits. He braced himself against the wall as her hands found their way to his suit and rolled it down, freeing him to her touch. He hissed in a breath as her wet hand surrounded him and her lips found his._

' _Ari,' he moaned into her neck as she nibbled on his ear, her hand still gently coaxing him towards an edge he wasn't ready to go over just yet. 'I need to be inside you,' he whispered and heard her gasp._

_She released her hold and wrapped her thighs around him, pushing aside her swimsuit and he felt her wet heat surround him as she sheathed him completely within her. They both moaned in pure pleasure and relief, pausing for a moment to enjoy the feeling of completeness. Joker wrapped his arms around her and used the wall behind her for leverage as he slowly began to move, knowing it wouldn't take long before he tumbled over the edge. Shepard trembled around him and he knew she was close. His lips found hers and he could feel her erect nipples rubbing against his chest as he pulled her even closer. The slight change in position was all it took to send both of them into the realm of pure pleasure, oblivious to the outside world, caught up in the sensations of their bodies responding to each other._

' _Shit!' Joker gasped into her neck as they held each other, slowly coming down from the euphoria they'd created._

' _Yeah,' Shepard chuckled and he felt a lingering tremor of pleasure pass through her resulting in him twitching inside her and she moaned softly._

_Neither wanted to move, the intimacy of their connection was something they didn't want to lose. Joker ran his hands down her back and cupped her backside, sliding his hands under her suit and loving the feel of her bare skin. He held her close as her hands slid down his chest, her fingers running over the definition that had developed further during their time on the ground. She pinched his nipple playfully and he ducked his head down to nip at hers._

' _I love you, Ari,' he moved to her neck and she willingly tilted her head to allow him access._

' _I love you, Jeff,' her voice was husky and Joker shivered, he felt himself harden inside her and he groaned as she moved and tightened around him. She hungrily found his lips and it didn't take long before both of them were struggling to stay upright and catch their breath again. 'I might have to keep you on rations if this is the result,' she gasped._

' _That works both ways, you know,' he nipped her neck playfully and she giggled. 'I'll definitely have to thank EDI.'_

_Reluctantly she moved off him and straightened up her swimsuit. He turned to lean on the pool wall as she moved beside him and dropped her head onto his shoulder, one hand finding his, the other hanging on to his arm. God he missed having her by his side, having her with him. How much longer was this going to go on? Eventually they climbed out of the pool and dressed, allowing themselves a last lingering kiss before knocking on the door to let James know they were ready to leave._

'Jeff,' EDI brought him out of his memories. 'There is something you should see.'

Joker took a deep breath and pulled his eyes to the screen EDI opened up. His attention was quickly grabbed by the headline that ran across the screen.

"From Hero to Villian, Commander Shepard's fall from grace."

'What is this, EDI?' He sat up in his chair.

'This is a video feed from an unknown source,' EDI was quiet for a moment, 'I am attempting to trace it.'

Joker watched in horror as someone, supposedly Shepard, shot down civilians in cold blood. The scene changed and she was seen shooting Batarians, including children. Someone was dressed in the same armour she wore but that definitely wasn't her, he knew her movements, her tactics. The locations were all missions they'd done while working under the Cerberus banner but while the locations may have been accurate the footage wasn't. Joker's omnitool beeped.

'Have you seen this?' Anderson was livid on Joker's screen.

'Looking at it now,' Joker nodded, confused and stunned by what he was seeing. 'Where did this come from?'

'I have discovered the source,' EDI spoke up. 'The feed is being carried by relay from somewhere outside the Sol system. The mission reports were taken from the Normandy databanks, prior to returning to Earth. I believe one of the crew to be responsible.'

'This is bad, isn't it?' Joker couldn't hide the worry in his voice. One of the crew had obviously lied and whether he was working for Cerberus or doing it alone it didn't matter, it was damaging.

'We could certainly have done without it,' the rage in Anderson's voice surprised Joker. 'The Defence Council is already mistrustful of anything to do with Shepard.' He paused as someone spoke in his ear. 'Damn! The Council has called an emergency session and called Shepard. We need to get this cleared up.'

'Good luck,' Joker replied as Anderson cut the connection. His heart was pounding and he wondered if their luck had run out. Then he had a thought. He brought up his omnitool and typed a message, not expecting a reply very quickly but he was surprised when one came back immediately.

'I've seen it, I'm fixing it.'

It was over an hour later when EDI brought up another piece of footage that was being broadcast across the network and Joker watched in awe as it showed the real Commander Shepard. Images from the SR-1 missions were shown, the fight against Saren and Sovereign and footage from inside the ship as it was destroyed, showing Shepard giving her life for her crew. Then came missions from the SR-2. Her rescue missions, her attempts to warn the Batarians, her speech before taking down the Collectors and her message to the Illusive Man, who was seen in all his evil as he tried to convince her to keep the Collector base intact with the human Reaper to study. Her speech to her crew, her voluntary surrender to the Alliance. Footage from the original video was shown at the end for what it was, a thrown together piece of propaganda. Following that was a message about the Reapers, that they were coming and why Shepard was needed to lead the fight.

'The truth, courtesy of the Shadow Broker.'

The footage ended and Joker couldn't stop the surge of pride that washed over him even as he grinned at Liara's showmanship. He only hoped it worked, that even if the Council didn't believe it they might doubt the original footage enough to give them pause. He had to believe it would work, he needed her back. But it was more than that, the galaxy needed her and she needed to be out there fighting, building their defences against what was coming. She was a warrior, a hero to most and she needed to be seen, to rally the troops and re-enforce the belief that they could win. He'd married one hell of a woman and he needed to tell her that.

He was trying to concentrate on the simulations without success. It was important work if the Normandy was going to be ready to fly when she was needed but his heart wasn't in it. He couldn't leave Shepard behind, he'd rather die on Earth than pilot the Normandy under another commander. This was Shepard's ship as much as it was his and there was no way it was leaving without her. His omnitool pinged.

'She needs you now. At the pool in ten.'

Joker pushed himself to his feet, 'EDI?'

'I know, Jeff,' she assured him as he left.

The ride to the pool had never seemed so long. Beside him Westmoreland was fiddling with her omnitool but the beeps and pings were purely background noise. His head was reeling with emotions, with fear and doubt. For the first time since they'd come back he seriously wondered if they were going to die on Earth when the Reapers hit, purely because some stupid officers had their heads stuck up their asses.

He was worried about Shepard. Something drastic must have happened for Vega to call him urgently and run the risk of discovery. Shepard would be devastated if Vega lost his commission because of her, because he was trying to help her. A list of possible scenarios ran through his head, each one making his stomach churn more than the one before. He pulled in a deep breath, he had to calm down, panicking wouldn't help anyone.

They arrived at the pool complex and Joker rushed inside to find Vega waiting for him. Joker wasn't sure if he was angry, disappointed or frustrated as he paced in the foyer.

'She's in the back,' Vega nodded. 'Anderson told me to get her here and make sure you got here as well,' he glanced at Westmoreland who simply nodded.

'What happened?' Joker was eager to go inside but he didn't want to go in blind.

'They stripped her of her commission, she's going to trial for crimes against the Batarians.'

'Shit!' Joker wanted to punch someone or something. Broken fingers or hands didn't seem like much compared to what he knew Shepard would be feeling. 'Thanks, Vega,' he placed his hand on the large man's shoulder before moving towards the door.

'Good luck.'

Joker simply nodded, opened the door and stepped through. It took him a few moments to find her and when he did his heart broke. She was curled up on one of the sun lounges along the edge of the room, her knees pulled up with her arms wrapped around them. Her head was resting on her knees, it was obvious she hadn't heard him come in. He made his way across the room but she still didn't move.

'Ari,' he said softly, not wanting to startle her into doing something unexpected. 'Ari,' he repeated when she didn't move.

Slowly she raised her head and he was stunned by the angry blaze in her eyes. He'd seen her angry before but this was different. There was a cacophony of emotions behind the anger, all of them fighting for control. He sat down slowly on the side of the lounge as she stared at him, it was almost as if she didn't really see him and she jumped as he touched her arm.

'Ari,' he leaned in and reached for her face.

Before he could touch her she sprung to her feet, away from him to the edge of the pool where she paced angrily, her heavy footfalls echoing around the room. She grabbed at her hair as she glared out at nothing, her breathing shallow and fast. Suddenly she screamed. It was a primal scream of frustration and despair. She kicked a chair and it clattered noisily across the floor before dropping over the side of the pool into the water.

Joker jumped in surprise and glanced across the room as Vega dashed through the door. Joker waved him back and he disappeared with a nod. He looked back to Shepard to see her hugging herself as she stood staring down into the water. Anger had given way to defeat and despondency.

'Ari,' he got to his feet and moved towards her slowly, unsure if she was aware of him.

'I should have listened to you,' she said softly, her head lifting and her eyes seeking his. 'I should never have come back. Life is going to end because I did what was supposed to be the right thing.'

Pain flared in Joker's chest as if someone had stabbed a knife into his heart. Tears burned as he looked at his wife, her face devoid of emotion, her voice haunted and her eyes empty. It terrified him to see the loss in them.

'They took away my rank, my ship and my life.' She went back to staring at the water. 'I gave up my life, literally,' she laughed but it was hollow and cold. 'I did everything they ever asked of me, I handed them Cerberus, gave them the Normandy,' she shuddered and Joker could see her trembling. 'I was separated from you. For what? They don't trust me, they don't believe me and now I'm going to trial for saving them, for giving them more time to prepare.' A sob escaped, 'it was all for nothing. I'm sorry.'

Joker moved quicker than he ever thought possible and pulled her into his arms. She didn't respond, her arms remained wrapped around herself and for a moment he was afraid she'd shut down, closed herself off. Suddenly she growled and pushed him away roughly. With a yelp he stumbled backwards, managing to keep his footing without crashing to the floor.

'You need to stay away from me, Jeff, or they'll drag you down with me.' She was angry again and for a moment Joker thought he would be unable to get through, until he saw the tears in her eyes.

'Not going to happen,' he said firmly, hurriedly moved beside her and pulled her into his chest.

He was afraid she was going to push him away again but her arms hung limply by her side. Her head dropped onto his chest and she choked back a sob. Gently he led her back to the lounge and urged her to lie with him, his arms enclosing her as she finally wrapped her arms around him. He felt dampness on his shirt and realised she was crying softly, his own tears rolled into her hair as he held her.  She was the strongest woman he had ever known but emotion and frustration were taking their toll, her tears were proof of that.

'It's going to be okay,' he reassured her and she scoffed. 'Anderson and Hackett will fix it.' Joker knew she didn't believe him, hell, he wasn't sure he believed him. He had to do better. 'Just think, when the Reapers land on their heads you can say "I told you so" and that will have to feel good.' He felt her fingers relax against his chest as she moved her arm.

'It won't matter will it,' she pointed out, 'if the Reapers are here there will be no-one to say it to.'

'We could steal the Normandy,' he shrugged, 'it wouldn't be the first time.'

'I'm scared, Jeff,' she sighed into his chest and Joker couldn't stop the panic that rose within.

'I know, babe,' he kissed the top of her head. 'But you have to believe everything will be all right, you have to hold on to that.'

'I don't know if I can.'

'Yes you can, we've been here before, remember when you first woke up and you weren't sure who you were?'

'You told me I didn't need a rank or a uniform to be Commander Shepard.'

'Yes I did and I still believe that, I still believe in you and so do others,' he moved so he could meet her eyes. 'I love you and I know you can get through this. I know how strong you can be, I've seen it. Now you need to show everyone else. Don't let them beat you down.'

'How?'

'Be the fighter I know you are. Treat them like any other enemy, learn their weaknesses, find the cracks. You have people fighting on your side, trust them, trust me.'

'Some fighter I am,' she scoffed, 'I'm crying on your shoulder.'

'That's just emotion and shock,' Joker smirked, 'I'm sure the chair won't recover any time soon from your boot up its ass.'

'Do you really think it will be okay?' She searched his eyes and Joker knew he had to hide his fear from her.

'Of course, how could it not be? You're Commander Shepard and you're married to the best pilot in the galaxy and our ship is almost finished.' He leaned in and kissed her lightly, 'besides, we have to christen your cabin again so you have to come back on board.'

'I have no idea why I love you,' she groaned.

'It's my sexy body and irresistible charm,' he chuckled and kissed her. 'How could you resist?'


	51. Chapter 51

**** 51 ****

His boot laces were refusing to co-operate when the door to his room slid open. He had spent an hour at the gym, showered and was almost ready for Westmoreland to collect him. Today was different. Anderson had asked him to head out to the Flight Academy to give the trainees a talk on fighting unknown enemies. Joker wasn't one for public speaking but he was doing it as a favour to Anderson.

'Ready in a minute,' he finished his lacing and stood up.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau?' A familiar and yet unknown voice made him look up.

He almost gasped as he looked into a pair of blue grey eyes that had haunted him since the day he first saw them. But these weren't the eyes he knew, they were older, wiser. He looked at the face that was so much like his Shepard but so different. _Crap!_ He knew who this was.

'Captain Shepard,' he moved to attention and saluted, there were still some protocols he obeyed. Besides, he needed to make a good impression.

'At ease, Joker is it?' She crossed her arms in a move that was so much like her daughter he almost grinned.

'Yes, ma'am,' he nodded, curious about what he'd done to deserve a visit from not only Shepard's mum but a highly regarded Alliance Officer. 'Or Jeff, ma'am.'

'No need to be so formal, call me Hannah, especially since you're now part of the family.' Her eyes held mischief and Joker decided that Ari definitely took after her mother.

'Ah, yeah, about that …..' he wasn't sure what to say, 'we ah, hadn't really planned to keep it from you but…..' He paused as she hid her mouth behind her hand, was she laughing at him.

'It's all right, Joker,' she chuckled and he sighed in relief. 'Anderson told me the whole story, amazing as it is.' She moved to the sofa and sat down, indicating that he should do the same. 'Anderson also told me that if it wasn't for you my daughter would probably be dead.'

'Well, I'm not completely responsible for her being alive, she's one hell of a soldier and she had a fantastic team behind her.'

'Which you were part of,' Hannah sighed and Joker had a feeling she was here for more than just going over old stories. 'They won't let me see her. I haven't spoken to her since before she died. I found out she was alive, brought back from the dead,' she shook her head in disbelief, 'but she never contacted me.'

'Cerberus kept communications pretty tight for a while,' Joker explained, 'eventually we worked our way round them and managed to get some information out but there wasn't a lot of personal stuff included.'

'She sent me a message just before you went through the Omega-4 relay, telling me she loved me and that if she came back she'd find me.' Her eyes moistened as she continued, 'it was hard enough losing her once let alone twice.

'I remember, she was upset she hadn't taken the time to see you but she didn't want to take the chance on you being tarnished by what we were doing.' Joker recalled the messages he'd sent to his parents and he regretted not contacting them since getting back. He should remedy that.

'How is she, Joker?'

Joker met her eyes. Did he tell her the truth, that her daughter wasn't doing well. The last few times he'd seen her the dark circles were back, she looked exhausted and he guessed she wasn't sleeping again. This morning she'd hardly spoken, she'd avoided his eyes and he knew she was trying to hide her pain from him. When he met Vega's eyes the marine had just shook his head and Joker guessed he wasn't having much success getting her to see someone about it.

'She's not sleeping,' he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. 'It's like when she came back all over again.' There was no hesitation as he told her about how Shepard hadn't dealt very well with her resurrection. He saw her wipe tears from her eyes as he told her how she'd spent nights asleep beside him in the cockpit, how she was lost and how her self-confidence disappeared.

'At least she had you,' Hannah gave him a weak smile.

'Yeah, but we were both in a bad place,' he stared at the floor as he spoke and was surprised to feel a warm hand on his arm.

'It wasn't your fault,' she looked at him with a frown.

'I killed her,' he sucked in a breath, it was easier to say it aloud but it still hurt. 'If she hadn't gone back for me she wouldn't have died.'

'She wouldn't have been happily married either, I doubt Cerberus would have brought you back.'

'That's exactly what she said,' Joker chuckled. Hannah's hand slipped down his arm and gripped his hand, it was comforting and he squeezed her fingers gently. 'If you want to see her she'll be at the pool this afternoon, my physio sessions have been matching her exercise sessions. It's the only time we get together.'

'I don't want to take away your time with her,' Hannah shook her head, 'I'm sure you get little enough as it is.'

'I don't mind,' Joker grinned but was suddenly serious. 'She may try and push you away, she's done it to me a couple of times now but I'm not letting her do it.'

'Are you sure, I don't want to get anyone in trouble.'

'No-one can stop you if you decide to go for a swim at a particular time, the pool isn't locked down just because she's in there.' His face coloured a little and she looked at him curiously. 'Well, we've had a little help and it has been locked down a couple of times.' He shrugged and she laughed.

'I'll think about it,' she stood up and Joker followed her. 'Thank you, Joker, I'm glad she found you and you've made her happy.' She pulled him into a gentle hug and as she stepped back he stared at her in surprise. 'Yes I know about your illness and it doesn't matter. It made you the man my daughter fell in love with, besides, you're my son in law now so expect it.'

'So mother in law jokes are okay?' He grinned and she shook her head with a smile.

'Just remember, I carry a gun like my daughter,' she chuckled as he rolled his eyes in defeat. 'Let me know if you need anything, we're family now.'

'Actually, there is one thing,' Joker walked her to the door. 'Can you have Anderson send Dr Chakwas to see Ari, I know she'll listen to her. I won't get to see him till later and I think she needs someone now.'

'That I can do,' she placed her palm against his cheek, 'I can understand why she fell in love with you.' She smiled and left the room.

* * *

Joker knew it was bad the moment he entered the pool area. Vega had silently warned him and he'd braced himself but today wasn't the day for this. He was late, he'd messaged Vega to push their time back an hour and at first Shepard had refused.

' _If he can't be bothered to be there why should I?'_

Vega had passed on her message and Joker had cursed angrily. She was pushing him away, or trying to, a little more each day and he hated it. It wasn't his fault the students had known who he was and wanted to hear the stories of the Normandy. Then he'd run into Hadley who was back at flight school training for bigger ships, he'd wanted to buy Joker lunch to say thank you for making him realise his potential. After that they got held up at the shuttle bay when the press got word he was there and Campbell had been held up coming to collect him from Westmoreland. It was an uncontrollable chain of events but he knew that wasn't going to appease Shepard. Not today.

'Ari,' he walked towards where she was sitting on the edge of the pool and was devastated by the pain in her eyes when she turned to face him.

'You're late,' she stood up and crossed her arms over her chest.

'Sorry, things got out of control,' he moved closer and she stiffened. Definitely not a good day. 'I'm here now.' He went to reach for her but she stepped back.

'Doing your duty for the day,' she grimaced. 'Come to spend an hour with the prisoner so you can feel good about yourself.' She turned and walked away.

'Ari, you know that's not how it is,' he sighed and slowly walked after her. He'd been on his feet most of the day and his legs were killing him, his back was aching and he needed a shower.

'No I don't,' she spun angrily. 'I don't know anything because I'm locked in my room all day, only allowed out for a bit of exercise.' He watched as she paced, he could see the tension in her back and shoulders, the tightness of her fists. 'But you've got it good, haven't you. You get to go out, give talks, spend time with others. Anyone special I should know about?' She glared at him and he met her stare. 'Had enough of being married to the traitorous ex Commander Shepard yet?'

'Ari, stop it!' He was trying not to let his anger get the better of him, he knew she didn't mean any of it but that didn't stop it from hurting.

'Do you even think about me when you're out there?' She was yelling and shaking now and Joker knew she was fighting back tears. 'Do you even care?'

'Ari, enough!' He strode over as quick as his legs would allow and gripped her shoulders. 'Of course I fucking care! Do you think it's easy for me to be out there every day when I know you're trapped in here? Don't you think I know how hard it is for you?' His voice was raised and his grip on her shoulders tightened. 'I'm doing the best I can do. I'm trying to help you however I can. You know that.'

'Do I?' she shrugged off his grip and stepped away from him. 'All I hear is what's happening on the Normandy or who said what. Do you even tell others about me, about us, or are you ashamed to be connected to me, afraid I'll drag you down with me.' Her eyes were dark with emotion and he could see the despair she tried so hard to hide. 'You know what, just go, forget about me, just go.' She waved in the direction of the door.

'Ari, you don't mean that,' Joker tried to reach for her again but she moved away and turned her back towards him.

'Go! Just leave me alone!' She was almost yelling but he could hear the tremor in her voice and all he wanted to do was hold her, make her understand that she wasn't the only one hurting.

Joker was about to speak but a soft touch on his shoulder stopped him and he looked around into the eyes of Hannah Shepard. She silently shook her head and indicated he should go. With a reluctant glance at Ari he turned and left.

'Fuck!' He leant against the wall in the foyer and felt James' hand on his shoulder. 'Damn that woman is so stubborn sometimes.'

'She didn't mean it,' James reassured him.

'I know,' Joker sighed and dropped into a chair. 'Still hurts though.' He knew he couldn't leave yet, EDI was looping the feed so he couldn't be in two places at the same time but he desperately wanted to get away from here. 'Did Chakwas come to see her today?' He looked up at James.

'Yeah,' he chuckled, 'she wasn't happy about it either. Chakwas didn't take any of her shit, that's probably why she's taking it out on you.' James smirked and Joker grimaced.

'She'll probably blame me for that too,' Joker sighed and dropped his head against the wall. He was tired, he didn't have the strength for this today.

'That's one hell of a woman you've married,' James chuckled.

'Yeah, a real wildcat,' Joker grimaced but followed it with a grin. 'Wouldn't have her any other way.'

* * *

Shepard heard the door close and couldn't believe he'd left. Why wouldn't he after the way she'd spoken to him. She released the sob she'd been holding in, fighting not to let him see it. She hated herself. He loved her, she knew that. She knew he hated this as much as she did. She'd let her frustration get the better of her and she'd taken it out on him when it wasn't his fault. Tears fell and she desperately tried not to cry aloud as her shoulders shook, partly from frustration and partly from anger. Anger at herself, at Anderson, at the world in general and the position it had put her in. They were all going to die because everyone thought she was crazy.

She needed Joker. She wanted his arms around her, his strength holding her up, making her believe everything would be all right. But she'd sent him away. She was an idiot. The pent up tears flowed freely and she sobbed into her hands. A touch on her shoulder made her look up in hope, he hadn't left. Blue grey eyes met hers.

'Mum!' She broke down and fell into the welcoming arms of her mother, her body shaking as she cried her heart out.

'Shh, it's okay,' Hannah stroked her daughter's hair as tears rolled down her cheeks, she guided them to a lounge and sat down.

'No it's not,' Shepard sobbed. 'I just yelled at Jeff and sent him away. He'll think I'm angry at him.'

'No he won't,' Hannah chuckled. 'He loves you, he knows you love him.'

'Why did I do that?' She cursed between sobs.

'Because sometimes we need to lash out and often it's someone we love in the firing line.'

'Why are you here?' Shepard suddenly looked up at her mother. 'How did you know I'd be here?'

'Jeff told me, suggested I come and see you. I didn't want to intrude on what little time you two have but he told me it was okay.' She smiled at the love that shone from her daughter's red swollen eyes. 'I can understand why you love him.'

'He is wonderful isn't he,' she grinned through her tears before the memory of how she just treated him pushed itself forward. 'Oh god, what have I done to him.' Another round of sobs broke out as her mother's arms held her tight.

Hannah Shepard held her only child in her arms, angry at what the Alliance had turned her into. She needed to help her find herself, to be Commander Shepard again. She would be needed in the fight to come and while she was allowed a brief period of self-pity it had to stop. Eventually the crying ceased and Hannah watched as the younger woman pulled herself up.

'This isn't you.' Hannah brushed a lock of hair of Ari's face.

'I know,' she shook her head, making the lock of hair fall forward again and Hannah grinned. She'd always had trouble keeping her hair in place especially as a child, the unruly locks always had a mind of their own.

'What are you going to do about it?' Hannah watched her daughter think, the crease of her brow, the way she pulled in her bottom lip. It was so much like her father. 'I've been reading the reports you've been writing for Anderson. It's fascinating reading but it won't mean a thing if you lose hope, if you let those in charge beat you down. Everyone who had read your reports wants to know more, they need to know what's coming, what we can do.' She watched as Ari glanced around the room through bloodshot eyes. 'We need you, Commander Shepard, you are our expert in this, you need to help us prepare.'

'Bit hard from in here,' she scoffed and sat back against the lounge.

'Arelia Shepard!' Her mother's raised voice made her jump. 'That's enough! There are people out there fighting for you,' she pointed to the door and Ari couldn't help but follow her finger. 'Don't you dare let them down. They are putting their careers on the line, risking everything for you. There are people out there who love you, who would do anything to get you through this. Don't make their efforts worthless.'

Hannah stood up and pulled on her Captain's face. 'On your feet soldier.' The command in her voice forced her daughter up and to attention. 'Pull yourself together. You're an N7 decorated marine, act like it.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Ari stared at a spot on the wall behind her mother's head, annoyed at herself for her instinctive reaction. As if reading her thoughts her mother chuckled and Ari glanced at her. She couldn't stop the grin that broke out on her face. 'Thanks mum.' She rolled her eyes and her mother laughed before pulling her into a hug.

'You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and you need to tell that gorgeous man you married that you love him.' Hannah stepped back and glanced up as the lights flickered.

'Time's up,' Ari sighed, 'I'll have to tell him tomorrow.' She held her mother's hand, reluctant to let go.

'I probably won't get back for a while, we're shipping out to Arcturus tonight,' Hannah kissed her daughter's forehead tenderly. 'Please look after yourself, I don't want to have to come back here just to pull you into line.'

'I'll try,' she nodded and continued before her mother could speak, 'it's the best I can do right now.'

'Good enough,' Hannah turned as Vega came through the door. 'At least you have something pleasant to look at.'

'Mum!'

'What, I'm a woman and I can still admire a nice looking piece of man flesh.' She laughed at the look of horror on Ari's face.

With a last kiss she turned and headed for the door, making sure to ogle Vega as she walked past. Ari buried her face in her hands with a groan before looking up to see a red faced Vega watching her.

'Let's go,' she shook her head as she fell in step beside him. 'Hey Vega, any chance you can send a message for me.'

'For you, Commander, anything.'

* * *

Joker was just settling into bed when his omnitool beeped. He opened up the message from Vega.

_Hey flyboy,_

_You'd better be taking care of my ship or I'll break every bone in your fragile body, in the most pleasant way of course._

_It's your move._

_I love you._

He grinned as a chess board appeared. She was back. His Ari, his Commander Shepard was back.


	52. Chapter 52

 

You're far away, so far away  
Have to believe that you can still feel me  
And I can only wait and miss you  
Now we're locked in time, out on the wire  
I wish that I could fight the world for you  
I'm always on your side  
If I could trade places, you know I would

Hold on  
Don't let go  
Just stay on that road in that heartbeat  
You're not alone in the dark, can you see me

Cos I'll be lighting fires, fires, for you  
I'll be lighting fires, fires, for you  
I'm there in the light when you need me, to find your way home

**Fires - Ronan Keating**

* * *

**** 52 ****

Joker stopped at the bottom of the gangway and took a good long look at his ship. She really was a sexy, sleek vessel and he chuckled as he remembered what he'd done to become her pilot, well the SR-1 anyway. He was lucky General Invictus had seen the amusing side of Joker's hijacking, the same couldn't be said for Crooks who was posted as the Normandy's pilot. Putting the Normandy through her paces on her maiden flight had been child's play, avoiding the patrol sent out to bring him back was a breeze, he hadn't even broken a sweat, even breaking through the security protocols had been easy. He'd expected to end up behind bars but he'd taken the chance, he'd been tired of his skills being ignored because all anyone saw were his crutches and it had paid off. He had been surprised that Invictus had defended him and insisted on his posting considering he'd treated him like dirt under his boots prior to his running off with the Normandy. Seems Turians can recognise skill just as well as anyone else.

His eyes followed the lines of her hull and he was pleased to see Alliance blue back where it belonged. He dropped his gaze to the cargo ramp where crates were being loaded aboard, there were a lot of crates and he frowned a little. Someone must have made a mistake, they weren't scheduled to go anywhere so why the hell did they need so much on board. He raised his hand instinctively as Steve waved at him. Steve Cortez, they'd met at the academy and developed a friendship that was based around friendly rivalry. When he'd come on board two weeks earlier to oversee the final installation of the Kodiaks and manage the flight deck Joker had been glad to see a friendly face.

He got on all right with Traynor, the coms specialist but he had a lot in common with Steve. Joker considered him the only other pilot that came anywhere near him for skill. They'd both started out training for cruisers and frigates but Steve had been selected for fighter and shuttle training. Joker had been a little jealous, he could see himself flying around in a Trident, but the reality of his disease meant the forces would have torn him apart. They'd run into each other a couple of times but once Steve had married they'd lost touch. Joker had been genuinely upset to hear his husband had died because of a Collector attack.

Once his condolences would have been less than heartfelt but now he knew what the pain and heartache of losing someone you love was like. His heart had gone out to Steve and they'd managed to share lunch or coffee and Joker was happy to be an ear for his grief. He trusted Steve to handle the flight deck, he welcomed him as part of the Normandy team and hoped he'd stay on board.

'Joker?' Westmoreland moved beside him and looked at him curiously.

'Yeah, just thinking about how I ended up here,' Joker chuckled and she nodded.

As much as she was his guard he'd come to like her, she was always patient with him, especially on his bad days when his legs gave him problems. She treated him like any other person and he appreciated that. Campbell cleared her throat as she waited for him at the airlock. He pulled himself out of his reverie and walked up the gangway onto his ship. Both of them had been waiting for him this morning, a little strange as usually there was only one of them. He brushed the thought aside as he passed through the entry and immediately felt at home.

He slipped into his chair and brought up the controls, automatically carrying out system checks. His thoughts, however, were elsewhere. He hadn't seen Shepard this morning. Vega had let him know they had been told to stay where they were because the Defence Council might be calling for them. They'd been grounded for just on six months now and this was the first time Joker felt apprehensive about her appearance before the Council. He had a gut feeling that something was wrong. His omnitool pinged and he glanced at it in surprise.

'Mum!' He'd put a call through two days ago but it had taken this long for her to get back to him.

'Jeff,' her green eyes were moist as she looked at him from the other side of the screen. 'Are you okay, I haven't heard from you for so long.'

'Yeah, mum, I'm fine,' he rolled his eyes at her and she chuckled. 'I spoke to dad and Hillary a few days ago and they told me you were on Arcturus working. I thought you quit and were living back on Tiptree.'

'I did, but some problems came up and they needed my help, I'm going home tomorrow.' She glanced at something off screen and seemed puzzled when she looked back at him. 'How is it on Earth, is everything okay, is the Alliance still letting you fly?'

'Yeah, everything's good,' he broke into a grin, 'I got married, mum.'

His mother's gasp could be heard clearly through the link but concern showed on her face. Joker knew she couldn't help but worry about him. Most of her life had been spent worrying about him. Yes, she was his mother and mothers do that, but he had been a burden to her for all of his childhood. He knew she didn't see it that way but he did. His illness had kept his parent's apart for most of his youth because he'd had to spend time on Arcturus for medical treatments. His sister had grown up knowing only a woman who occasionally came home. He hated his illness for that.

'Jeff, are you sure that's the right thing?'

'Yes, mum,' he knew it was only concern but it hurt a little that she didn't see him as capable enough to make decisions like that.

'I'm sorry,' she sighed, 'you're a big boy now but I worry about you.'

'I know,' he shook his head. 'Wait till you meet her, mum, you'll love her as much as I do.'

'Can I at least know the name of my daughter in law,' she chuckled.

'Commander Arelia Shepard,' he laughed as her mouth dropped and she stared at him in shock.

'Jeff, she'll break you!' She realised what she'd said and quickly recovered. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that. I'm just surprised, she does know about your disease?'

'Yes mum,' he sighed and she shook her head.

'Did you tell your father,' she seemed distracted by something off screen and Joker frowned as static hissed across the link.

'Yeah, Hilary is pissed at me, she wanted to be a bridesmaid.' Joker laughed and his mother smiled but the image disappeared behind white snow. 'Mum?' He adjusted the settings and the image cleared a little.

'Something's happening,' she was watching something off to her left and Joker could see everyone behind her doing the same. 'Oh my god!'

'Mum?' Joker sat up in his chair. 'What's going on?'

'The … eets….ttack…. ships…. relay,' the link was breaking up.

'EDI, can you clear this up,' Joker fiddled frantically with his omnitool as the image of his mother disintegrated.

'I'm sorry, Jeff,' EDI informed him, 'something is blocking the signal from the other end.'

'Mum!' Panic was setting in and he fought to control it. 'I love you mum.'

'Jeff….. ather ….. ilary … love … all.'

The connection died. Joker tried everything he knew to get it back but nothing worked, it was as if Arcturus wasn't there. A frightening thought entered his mind and he quickly connected to the Alliance channels Hackett had provided.

'Defend the station!' Hackett's voice was loud in his earpiece. 'Order an evacuation!'

Joker's heart was racing. Something was happening at Arcturus and he was sure it was nothing good. He flicked through the coms but all he heard was chaos.

'There's too many!'

'They're too big!'

'How the fuck do we fight these things?'

'All ships fall back!' Hackett's orders stood out among the voices.

'Admiral, we need to retreat.'

'Second fleet, rear-guard position, Third and Fifth fleet retreat to emergency rendezvous co-ordinates. God help us all.'

Joker felt his stomach churning. Behind him Westmoreland had leaned in closer and as he glanced at her he could see his own fears echoed on her face. There was only one thing that would make Hackett sacrifice the Second Fleet.

'Oh my god! They've destroyed Arcturus!'

It didn't matter whose voice it was the words were devastating. The parliament, Alliance command, Alliance training facilities and recruiting stations were all on Arcturus. Forty five thousand people lived and worked on the station but none of them mattered to Joker. Only one person was important to him. His mother had just died on Arcturus Station. There had been no time to organise an evacuation. Tears ran down his cheeks. How could he tell his dad, Hilary, that she was gone. Why hadn't he contacted her more often, told her he loved her, told her how much he appreciated everything she'd done for him. She'd never get to meet Ari, she'd never get to see how happy he was. He sat in stunned silence, his thoughts an incoherent mess as he tried to imagine a world without his mother in it.

'Joker,' Westmoreland placed her hand on his shoulder gently. 'I'm so sorry.'

Joker jumped as he was pulled back into reality then nodded silently, the chaos of what was happening at Arcturus was background noise. He felt her grip and it stirred him into movement. He looked up to see tears rolling down her cheeks and the enormity of what was happening suddenly became clear. He had to do his job, be the Lieutenant he'd been trained to be. He switched comm channels to link directly to Hackett.

'Admiral Hackett, sir,' Joker waited nervously for a response.

'Joker,' Hackett sounded breathless and Joker could hear orders being yelled in the background. 'The Reapers have taken out Arcturus Station.' There was disbelief in his voice and Joker could only imagine the stress and grief he was feeling.

'I know, sir, I was talking to my mother. I heard the chatter.' Joker fought to control his emotions.

'I'm sorry to hear that,' Hackett seemed to be pulling himself under control and Joker admired him all the more for it. He was the sole hope for the fleet's survival. 'You need to get the Normandy airborne. I know she's not finished but we can't afford to lose her.'

'Yes, sir,' Joker started his pre-flight checks. 'What about Shepard and Anderson?'

'Anderson should be prepared, he knew they were coming. He'll take care of Shepard but you need to be ready to pick them up.'

'Yes, sir. Has Earth been warned?'

'I've sent a message but coms are disrupted. Do what you can from there but we both know the chances of survival.'

Joker heard Westmoreland gasp behind him and he gripped her hand in support. 'I'll do what I can sir. Good luck.'

'To you too, Hackett out.'

Joker sucked in a breath and turned to look at Westmoreland, 'Now's the time to go if you want to leave and be with your family.'

'No, I have no-one,' she looked at Campbell who shook her head.

Joker spun back to his console, 'EDI, we need to be ready to leave.'

'Yes, Jeff, I will release the docking locks on your order.'

'Thanks,' Joker opened the ship wide coms. 'Attention crew and workers. Those big ass robotic squids that we've been warning everyone about have taken out Artcturus Station and the Second Fleet and are on their way here. The Normandy is leaving under orders from Admiral Hackett. Anyone who doesn't want to come along for the ride leave now. You have five minutes.'

'Joker, are you serious?' Steve asked incredulously from the flight deck.

'Nah, I'm just scaring everyone for the fun of it,' Joker scoffed. 'Of course I'm fucking serious, I can play the logs if you want to hear them.'

'No, I'm ... ' He paused for a moment at if gathering his thoughts. 'What do you need me to do?'

'Make sure the flight deck and all cargo are secured and anyone that staying knows where to be.'

'What is that?' Joker looked up as Westmoreland stared out of the viewport.

'Fuck!' Joker scrapped the pre-flight checks and warmed up the engines. 'We're out of time people,' he announced. 'We have to go.'

'Flight deck secure,' Steve announced.

'Engineering ready,' Adams informed him.

'Communications on line,' Traynor's voice trembled but she was doing her job.

There was a thunderous roar outside. Joker flinched as the ground shook beneath them and the sky outside turned red. A shadow loomed over them as a Reaper touched down and Joker watched in horror as Alliance headquarters was destroyed.

_Shepard!_ Joker fought for breath as a thousand knives stabbed into his chest and his heart raced. She was in there. She had to be alive. He wasn't leaving without her. He wasn't losing another woman he loved today. Focus, he had to focus. He continued preparing for flight, he had to concentrate on the task at hand or he'd break down. He wanted to run, to find her but he knew their only chance of survival was getting his ship in the air. He pushed his grief and fear into a corner of his mind to deal with later, fastened his safety restraints and worked at getting them off the ground. The clunking of the airlock made him spin in panic, reaching for his pistol that wasn't there any more. _Fuck!_ Westmoreland and Chambers had both turned with their weapons raised and their collective sighs echoed around the cockpit as Alenko and Vega tumbled through the entryway.

'Shit!' Joker cursed as he tried to control his rapidly beating heart.

'Sorry,' Alenko was quickly beside him, 'get us out of here Joker.'

'Really, ya think,' Joker rolled his eyes as he turned forward and initiated departure procedures. 'EDI, unlock the clamps.'

The ship bobbed as the clamps released but Joker didn't wait and they were underway before the clamps were fully retracted. He had to get to Shepard, but where was she.

'Shepard?' Vega asked.

'Don't know,' his voice cracked but Joker's hands were flying across his console as he twisted and danced his way out of the docks, trying to ignore the fear that churned his guts.

'Last communication I had said her and Anderson were heading for the docks,' Alenko placed his hand on Joker's shoulder and the pilot sighed thankfully.

One less thing to worry about, she was alive. Beside them a freighter managed to shear away the docking clamps but the inertia forced it sideways, straight at them. Joker cursed as he pushed the Normandy up and over the freighter, the movement forcing everyone to grab hold so they didn't fall. A shuttle appeared in front of them and he had to roll to avoid it and everyone behind him stumbled to the floor.

'What the fuck! Did everyone get their pilot's licenses out of cereal boxes this morning?!' He lifted them above the chaos and immediately put them into stealth mode. He had no idea if it would help them avoid the Reapers but he had to at least try. 'EDI, where is Shepard?'

'I have located her tracker, she is currently exiting on the roof of a building two blocks south.'

'Shepard has a tracker?' Alenko stared at him in surprise before looking at EDI's blue orb that had popped up alongside Joker. 'Is that an AI?'

'Yeah, sorry, Anderson told us to keep it quiet. EDI's been playing dumb and Shepard had a sub dermal tracker inserted before she was detained, just in case.' He shrugged as he glanced at the Major.

Outside the Reapers rained down destruction on the city of Vancouver. Watching from the cockpit of the Normandy it felt surreal, like watching a movie play out through the view ports. Joker was the only one moving, his hands a blur as the ship that was a part of him rolled, dived, spun and avoided everything that came their way.

'Normandy, this is Anderson,' his voice broke the spell of the horror outside. 'I've patched in Shepard, we're almost at the docks.'

'Joker,' Shepard's voice was sure and strong and Joker couldn't stop the shake of his hands as relief washed over him. 'Are you airborne?'

'Yes, heading for your location.' He brought up her signal on his screen.

'Oh, God!' Alenko shouted and Joker looked up. 'They've taken out the dreadnaught!'

Joker watched debris fly out in all directions as the ship exploded. A large chunk headed straight towards them but Joker banked quickly to avoid collision. He watched in terror as another chunk demolished the building Shepard and Anderson had been scaling.

'Shepard!' He waited for her voice on the com but nothing came through. The blip on his screen moved and he let out the breath he'd been holding.

'Normandy,' Anderson's voice came through a few minutes later but the transmission was cut off.

'EDI?' Joker asked hopefully.

'Co-ordinates uploaded.'

Joker shot them forward, once again making everyone around him stumble. He ignored their groans and curses. Shepard needed him, he had to get her off the ground. This was his job, this was what he was good at. They rounded the bay to find Shepard and Anderson pinned down by Reaper forces. Joker saw red.

'Stay away from my wife you bastards,' he muttered as he fired the main guns and spoke into the com. 'The cavalry has arrived!'

Below them the destruction was complete and he was relieved to see Shepard bound out of cover as he spun towards a pile of debris that formed a natural ramp. Behind him Alenko and Vega dashed through the CIC and he was thankful that Shepard would have support. He brought up the feed from the cargo bay to see Shepard jump aboard. He could breathe again, she was safe, back where she belonged. His joy was quickly overshadowed by Anderson's determination to stay, he owed the man more than he cared to admit and he was afraid this might be the last time they saw him. He could see the same fear in Shepard's stance as she argued with him but as he threw her dogtags at her and turned away Joker knew Anderson was relying on them to bring help. With a heavy heart he set a course to take them away from Earth.

They were through the enemy fleet and heading for the Charon relay when familiar footsteps sounded behind him. He released his restraints and spun his chair, getting to his feet just in time to catch Shepard as she rushed into his arms. He buried his nose in her hair as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her in against him, he trembled as she clung to him and he could feel her shaking as she fought back sobs. His lips found hers and he kissed her passionately, feeling her want and need in response. Eventually they had to come up for air and they grinned as their eyes met.

'Hey you.'

'Hey yourself,' he smiled as she ran her fingers along his jaw. 'Welcome home.'

'Commander, I have an incoming transmission from Admiral Hackett.' EDI broke into their reunion.

'Time to go to work,' Joker chuckled as she released her hold on him and nodded. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he slipped back into his chair. The galaxy was being wiped out around them but he was grinning and he didn't care in the least who saw it. They were both home, safe and together, right now that was all that mattered.


	53. Chapter 53

**** 53 ****

Joker sat on the sofa in their quarters. He'd needed five minutes to himself, a moment to gather his thoughts and deal with the sudden changes in their lives. He'd left EDI in control after setting a course for the Citadel by the fastest route and he had an hour before he needed to be back at the helm.

Everything had happened so fast. Their escape from Earth, the mission on Mars that had almost gone completely wrong, the decimation of the Second Fleet and the destruction of Arcturus. Shepard was alive and safe despite the Reapers and Illusive Man's best attempts but Anderson had been left behind. They had a ragtag crew, some of whom had never seen combat before, never left Earth before. Shepard didn't have a ground team as such and as capable as she was on her own he would be much happier if she had support. Vega was useful if a little impulsive and now that Liara was back her biotics would be helpful, he trusted Steve to pilot the shuttle and keep them safe. Things would have been a little better if Kaidan hadn't been hurt even with his doubts he was still a capable marine. Things could be much worse, they could all be dead.

He sat forward and leaned on his knees, burying his face in his hands as tears threatened. He brought up the log of his conversation with his mother and couldn't stop the tears as he looked into her green eyes, knowing he would never see the real thing again. He replayed their conversation, it was the only way he could hear her voice now, the only physical thing he had to remind him of her. He fought down a sob, if he released his grief he wasn't sure he could pull it back under control.

A hand on his shoulder made him look up to see Shepard gazing down at him in concern. She sat beside him, placing one leg behind him and pulled him into her chest. He felt her arms wrap around him tenderly and her other leg rest across his thighs as she laid back against the arm of the sofa, pulling him with her. He surrendered to her warmth and protection and lay against her chest, listening to the strength of her heartbeat. He wrapped his arms around her, holding on tightly, needing the proof that she was here, she was safe. She removed his cap and kissed his hair and Joker gave up the fight and allowed his tears to fall.

He thought of all the times his mother had been there for him, through all his treatments, putting up with his crappy behaviour and urging him on when he'd given up. She gave up parts of her life for him, sacrificed so much, missed so much and he'd never once told her how much he appreciated her. She had done her best to give him a normal life, encouraged him to follow his dreams, to be more than his disease and he'd never taken the time to thank her for helping him to become the man he was. It was because of her strength and determination that he was lying in the arms of the woman he loved and she would never get to meet her.

The thought of how she died haunted him. Was she killed in an explosion, did she suffer? Was she spaced, gasping for breath as she was thrown into the cold of space. Another thought entered his mind, the thought of Shepard being spaced, slowly dying as the air rushed out of her suit. He'd lost her once in the most horrible of ways but he never expected to lose his mother the same way. His mother wasn't a soldier but she'd become a casualty of war. He fought to think of happier times, of his mother's laugh, the way her eyes sparkled with pride when he'd managed his first steps after each surgery. He remembered her holding him when he cried because the kids at school had made fun of him or because he'd fallen and broken a bone.

Eventually he had no more tears to cry. He felt Shepard's hand gently stroking his hair, she sniffled and he knew she was sharing his pain and he loved her for that. She was the vanguard of their survival but she had taken the time to come to him, to be there for him, he loved her for that too. He'd never taken the opportunity to tell his mother the things he should have told her but he wasn't going to make the same mistake now.

'I love you, Ari,' he moved his head so he could see her face. God he'd missed her! 'I need you to know how important you are to me, how much I appreciate you, how much I treasure our time together. I want to thank you for accepting me, brittle bones and all, for seeing past my defences and for loving me.' He reached up and brushed the side of her face gently, 'you are so beautiful and I don't know what I did to deserve you but I thank all the powers that be that you're here.'

'Jeff,' she choked back a sob as tears rolled down her cheeks. 'I love you, so much. I couldn't have got through all of this without you, you're my strength, brittle bones and all,' he smiled as she smirked at him. 'Thank you for seeing me, for loving me, not Commander Shepard but Ari, the woman underneath. You have no idea how much that means to me.'

'Oh, I don't have a problem seeing the woman underneath,' he waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed. 'Thank you, Ari, for this, for letting me cry like a blubbering idiot …...'

'Hey,' she stopped him, 'she was your mother, Jeff, you have every right to cry, I would have been concerned if you hadn't.' She ran her fingers through his beard and across his lips, 'I'm sorry she's gone.'

'She would have loved you,' he reached up and pulled her down for a kiss, 'just like I do.'

Joker sighed and sat up, taking her hands and helping her upright. Her legs were still wrapped around him and any other time he would have been happy to take advantage of their position, but as much as he wanted to he knew it wasn't the time.

'How's Kaidan?' He'd watched her carry him on board as they'd fled Mars.

'Not good,' she sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, 'Liara's doing what she can but she's not a medical doctor.' She raised her head and looked at him. 'What happened to Chakwas?'

'On the Citadel, once the med bay was refitted the Alliance asked her to help out with R&D, something about improving medigel. She left a few weeks ago.'

'I really wish she was here right now. I don't know if Kaidan's going to make it.'

'I heard him questioning you again on Mars,' Joker pushed back his anger, he'd planned on having words with Kaidan about his mistrust but now he may never get the chance.

'Yeah, I wonder if he'll ever trust me completely,' she pulled her legs from around him. 'Are you going to be okay?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine,' he smiled weakly, put his arm around her shoulder and held her against him. 'How could I not be with you here.'

'Guess we're back in business,' she chuckled and he laughed.

'Yep, out to save the galaxy … again.' He kissed her hair stood and moved to the bathroom to wash his face. 'I think we're going to need a few more friends this time though.' He walked back to where she was sitting, offered his hand and helped her to her feet, his hands automatically sliding down her back to rest on her backside.

'Guess we'd better start rounding them up then,' she grinned at him and handed him his cap. 'Let's go flyboy.'

'Yes ma'am,' he said huskily and she shivered. 'Time to fly you there in the style to which you've become accustomed.'

'In a way only you can,' she whispered in his ear and it was his turn to shiver.

With a grin she turned towards the door then yelped as Joker smacked her backside. He laughed at her surprised stare as he brushed past her and pushed the command for the elevator. He licked his finger and ran it down through the air and she rolled her eyes at him. Yep, they were definitely back in business.

* * *

'Shit!' Shepard leaned forward for a better view, her hand resting on Joker's shoulder.

'The best fleet in the galaxy and they're being decimated,' Joker refused to let despair take hold.

They'd dropped into Turian space around Palaven to find the Reapers already there and the turian home world burning. He really hoped that stealth mode would keep them hidden long enough to drop the shuttle onto Menae. Once again they were caught in political bullshit. The Council had basically refused to help Earth openly but if Shepard did this favour for the turians then they may be able to help Earth. All she had to do was rescue the Primarch from a living hell and get him to some meeting. This was a backroom deal that Joker hoped didn't blow up in their faces.

Joker was pissed. Shepard had come back from seeing the Council and to say she was angry was an understatement. After everything she'd done they still refused to help, they were too busy watching their own backs. He could understand that, really he could, after all they were trying to raise help for Earth. What annoyed him was their inability to see the bigger picture. Even back when they were chasing Saren the Council had been closed minded, almost to the point of burying their heads in the sand. Nothing had changed.

Their visit to the Citadel had been short but they'd managed to stock up on basic necessities, Kaidan had been taken to hospital where he was apparently going to recover and Dr Chakwas had come back on board. Joker had been genuinely happy to see her, even when she had a dig at him about keeping up his exercise program and medications. He felt like things were slowly getting back to normal, as normal as things could be with giant robot cuttlefish invading the galaxy.

They had managed to spend the night together, reaffirming their love. That had been the highlight of events so far but even that had felt rushed. Their lovemaking had been fast at first, slowly making way to more tender, passionate embraces as the night progressed. But they both needed more, as much as they'd had time together during their six months on Earth it felt like they were starting from scratch, having to get to know each other again. He was frustrated by that, he just wanted things to be as they were, to be normal.

'Okay, let's do this.'

He grinned. There was a piece of the normality he was looking for. No matter what the odds or whatever stood in their way Shepard would face it head on. As much as he worried for her being on the ground he knew she was more than capable of handling it. Him at the helm, her hand on his shoulder and a fight to be won. Normal if ever there was such a thing for them.

'Heading in, let's hope stealth mode works otherwise this could be one short trip,' Joker's hands went to work as Shepard leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before turning and walking away.

He wound his way through the edge of the chaos outside, once or twice having to avoid debris but eventually the shuttle dropped and he hurried to find a safe place to hide. If it were up to him he would join the fight, help the turians, but Shepard had been adamant that he stay hidden. She wanted a ship to come back to and, as much as she knew he was capable, making sure the Normandy stayed safe was more important. So, as much as he hated it, he sat on his hands and waited. He was thankful Shepard still had a camera in her armour. He flicked up the screen to see her, James and Liara taking down husks around the shuttle. Straight to work it was then.

Joker was overjoyed to see Garrus. One more step on the path to normal and one more friend to watch Shepard's back. He was just starting to relax when everything went dark.

'What the fuck?'

He glanced around in confusion, the only light coming from the burning planet outside. Nothing was working, every console on the ship was dead. Just as suddenly everything was back up, sort of. Around him consoles flashed intermittently, light dimmed then brightened, static streamed through the intercom and the ship lurched.

'Crap!' Joker hurriedly brought them back under control but his display kept disappearing. 'Traynor,' he called the com specialist but only got static back.

'Joker,' he heard Adams through the static, 'what's going on?'

Suddenly it was quiet, eerily quiet and Joker felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. It was almost like there was a presence around him, permeating the ship. He quickly checked his readouts, they were still in stealth and hidden from standard scans. Maybe the Reapers were able to see them anyway, maybe this was how they took down their enemies, from the inside. He shivered as cold air blew around him then realised it was only the ventilation system coming back on.

'Traynor, what's happening?' He would have looked back at her but someone had put a damn door in the way.

'I'm not sure, whatever it is it's in the AI core.' There was a tremor in her voice but she was doing her job.

'Joker, I'm getting all sorts of strange reading and power fluctuations,' Adams informed him.

'Yeah, there are all sorts of crazy happening up here too,' Joker opened a channel to Shepard who agreed to send Liara back to help.

Joker didn't doubt Liara's abilities but he wasn't sure what she could do. He really wished Tali was on board, she'd have a better idea. He flicked through diagnostic screens, all of which said there was nothing wrong.

'What the hell,' he frowned at the read outs. 'Traynor, anything?'

'No, Liara is using her equipment to see what she can find. According to my diagnostics nothing is wrong.'

'Yeah, same here,' Joker was completely confused.

He ran all his tests again as the lights flickered around him. He spun his chair in surprise as the door whooshed open and consoles down either side of the CIC started flickering on and off in a rotating pattern, it was like some sort of code. He frowned as he watched them, was someone trying to send a message?

'Joker, I can't find anything wrong,' Liara spoke into his ear. 'Whatever it is the AI core seems to be locked out.'

A beep on his console alerted him that the shuttle was back, 'thanks, Liara, Shepard's back so I'll let her know.' He knew she would be tired from being groundside but someone needed to find out what was going on. The lights dimmed to almost nothing again and he shook his head.

'Joker, what's happening?' Shepard was on her way up in the elevator, at least that appeared to be working.

'We don't know, whatever it is it's in the AI core.'

'I'll check it out.'

Joker tried to bring up the camera feed from the mess but all the cameras seemed to be malfunctioning. He was starting to get concerned now, they couldn't go anywhere or do anything while all this was happening. They were sitting with their ass in space with no control. That was more frightening than the Reapers. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse the fire alarm sounded. Joker swallowed hard. Fires on spaceships were not good. The oxygen rich atmosphere held everything a fire needed to run rampant.

'Joker, what's that noise?' He could hear the worry in her voice.

'Fire extinguishers,' he informed her and heard her intake of breath.

'Okay, I'm going in.'

Joker jumped as he heard the door open through her com link and he could hear hand held fire extinguishers at work before it dropped out. So she wasn't alone, that was good. He waited anxiously for her to let him know what was going on. Time seemed to drag and still nothing. He was really starting to get concerned now and contemplating going to look for her. The door opening and strange sounding footsteps behind him made him turn.

'Hello, Jeff.'

Joker stared open mouthed at the fembot before him and thought his life was over. This was the machine that had almost killed Kaidan. Had it killed Shepard as well on its way to him? He pushed back hard in his seat, really wishing he still had his pistol close at hand, wondering how painful it was to die by robot. _Wait._ Jeff? It called him by name in a voice that was very familiar. It hadn't moved, it simply stood there staring at him.

'EDI?"

'Yes, Jeff. Do you like my new platform?'

Joker couldn't remember the few times he'd been struck speechless, well there was the one time Shepard told him she loved him, but this was a completely different kind of speechless. He gaped openly as he stared at her new body, it was every sci fi nerds dream come to life. She was sexy, curves in all the right places, ample proportions and long legs. Who wouldn't ogle her?

'How? Why?' He struggled to find the right words to say.

'This platform give me the ability to interact with the crew more, to be more personal. I believed the risks were worth trying. I apologise for causing you distress.'

'No, it's okay,' he watched in amazement as she moved gracefully into the co-pilot's chair.

'I can be your co-pilot in a more efficient manor with this form.'

'Did you know about this?' Joker was so enraptured with EDI he hadn't heard the door open or Shepard approach.

'No,' he shook his head emphatically. 'If I'd known she was going to put herself into a sexy robot body do you think I could have stayed quiet?' He glanced up at her before looking back at EDI and making a frame with his fingers. 'Look at that! I'd have baked a cake!'

'I'm right here, Jeff,' EDI reminded him.

'Yes you are, EDI, yes you are,' Joker grinned, not seeing the hurt that crossed Shepard's face, not hearing the anger in her heavy steps as she walked away.

He glanced up as the door closed, a little surprised that Shepard had left without her usual rub of his shoulder or at least a 'see you later' in that sexy voice of hers. The door was new and he hated it. He felt like he was isolated from everyone even more than usual and he couldn't watch as his wife walked away, he didn't get to enjoy the roll of her ass in her tight fitting pants. Maybe he could do something about that.


	54. Chapter 54

**** 54 ****

Shepard wanted to hit something, or someone, really badly. Really. Really. Badly. She stormed angrily through the CIC, not completely aware of where she was going. Her mind was a chaotic mess. It wasn't enough that EDI had spent six months with Joker, laughing, sharing jokes, making plans. Shepard could deal with that, she was a voice, no threat. But now.

'Did you see EDI's new body?' A crewman asked his neighbour as she walked past.

'Yeah, Joker gets to spend all day looking at that. Lucky bastard.'

Shepard growled under her breath as they both chuckled. Her fists clenched as she thought about hitting the backs of their seats. She continued through the CIC, trying to think of where she could go to let of some steam.

'You have new messages at your private terminal, Commander,' Traynor advised her.

Shepard stopped at the terminal and brought up the messages. 'I would have baked a cake,' she muttered mockingly, glancing up at the closed door to the cockpit. The nerve of the thing, wanting to go on missions, as if! 'And who puts a fucking door on a cockpit? That's as stupid as a bloody great fish tank.'

'Commander?' She glanced up to see Traynor looking at her strangely. 'Are you all right?'

'Just peachy,' she nodded but her tone said otherwise.

'I see EDI's got a new body,' Traynor commented, not realising how close she was to having the Commander in her face. 'With that voice and now a sexy body she's certainly attractive.'

'Grrrr!' Shepard growled and Traynor flinched as the Commander turned to face her. 'Whose idea was it to put a door on the cockpit?'

'It's standard Alliance procedure, it's there to protect the command centre in the event of boarding or loss of life support.'

'It won't work on this ship, this is a Turian design. On an Alliance ship the bridge and the cockpit are one and the same, the Captain is not separated from the pilot.' She glanced up at the closed door. 'It needs to be removed.'

'Yes, ma'am, I'll see what I can do.' Traynor was a little taken aback by the Commander's tone. She hadn't spent much time around Shepard but she was sure there was something wrong. 'Are you sure you're okay, ma'am?'

'I'm fine,' she turned on her heel and went to the elevator, suddenly realising where she could blow of some steam.

This was ridiculous. She was Commander fucking Shepard for god's sake! She was behaving like an adolescent schoolgirl whose boyfriend was ogling the prettiest girl in class. This was a first for her. She'd never had a husband, never felt threatened in a relationship, purely because there hadn't been anything serious before. Maybe she should have kept it that way. She mentally slapped herself, he was her husband for fuck's sake. He'd told her he loved her, that he didn't want anyone but her. Yet he'd eyed off that fembot like a kid in a candy store. She paced the small space in the elevator. She trusted him, really she did, but put temptation in someone's way and you never know what will happen.

She stepped off the elevator on the cargo deck. She knew Vega had already installed his punching bag and she was all set to take advantage of it. Not bothering to wrap her hands she threw the first punch. Her fingers complained loudly but she ignored it and swung again.

'EDI, privacy mode, now,' she realised the AI could see all and right now the thought of having her watching was just creepy.

'Logging you out, Commander.' EDI responded and the sound of her voice sent Shepard into a fresh round of punches.

'That voice and sexy body,' she muttered, remembering Traynor's words. Another punch.

'Hey, Commander,' Vega came up behind her, 'I've just seen EDI's new body, that's really something.'

Shepard screamed. Every ounce of strength she had went into the next punch and the bag swung away, quickly coming back to meet her fists as she punched it harder. Her fingers screamed in pain. It wasn't the bag she was seeing, it was a silver, metallic body with oversize tits, perfect hips and long legs. That fembot was shut behind a closed door with her husband.

'Hey. Lola,' Vega grabbed the bag to stop its swing and frowned at the blood on her knuckles. 'Are you okay?'

'Just fine,' she blew her hair out of her face. 'But if I hear one more word about that fembot someone else won't be.'

'Whoa, Lola,' James held up his hands. 'Is there a problem?'

'Why would there be a problem? My husband is stuck behind a closed door with that thing and he's made it perfectly clear he's happy about it.'

'Shepard,' James was serious now, 'do you really think Joker would choose nuts and bolts over a body like yours? Geez, Lola, you fill out a uniform like nobody has a right too, do you really think he wants to lose that? You're Commander Shepard, who wouldn't want that?'

'Do you want this James,' she ran her hands down her torso and watched as his eyes widened.

'Shit, Lola,' he swallowed hard, 'I may be a flirt but I ain't going there.'

'I'm sorry, James,' she sighed and dropped her head into her hands. 'I don't know what's wrong with me.'

'I'd say the little green eyed monster got its claws into you,' James laughed and placed his hands on her shoulders. 'I really don't think you have anything to worry about.'

'Ahhh!' She moaned and shook her head. 'I know you're right, it's just …. I've missed him so much and we haven't had much time together since we left Earth. He was just so pleased to see EDI's new body and it hurt.'

'It's a novelty, it will wear off.' James pulled her into a hug, he considered himself a friend and right now she needed one.

'Thanks James,' she sighed and stepped back.

'Let's clean up your hands,' James led her to his workbench and pulled out a medigel pack. 'You really like punishing yourself, don't you.' He chuckled as he rubbed the gel on her knuckles.

'Yeah,' she shrugged and flexed her fingers as he released his hold.

Shepard decided she needed to get back to work, focus on something else. Messages, she should check the messages she ignored earlier. She had almost reached her terminal when Traynor pulled her aside.

'Commander, I've found something …..' she seemed hesitant.

'What is it Traynor?' Shepard stood beside her and encouraged her to continue.

The coms specialist was new to all this but she was handling it very well. EDI seemed to want to keep her around. EDI, gah! Not thinking about her right now. She focused on the information Traynor had found and was extremely impressed.

'Well done, Traynor,' she smiled and the woman beamed back at her.

Shepard set a course for Grissom Academy on the Galaxy map, they were close enough to be there in a couple of hours. She glanced up at the closed door and her stomach churned. She should go and talk to Joker but the thought of seeing him smiling at the fembot made her tense up. Coffee, maybe that would help. She headed back to the mess and automatically made two coffees, one to take to the cockpit for Joker. With a groan she dropped the second one into the disposal unit and sat down at the table. She dropped her head onto her folded arms and stamped her feet under the table. What the fuck was wrong with her?

'Shepard, are you all right?'

She looked up to see Garrus looking down at her, his mandibles tight against his face. She knew that was a sign of concern and she tried to sound calm.

'I'm fine, just sitting for five minutes.'

'A lot's happened in the last couple of days,' he slid into the seat across from her. 'You should try and rest when you can. I thought you and Joker might have been spending as much time together as you could, being separated for so long.' His mandibles fluttered in what she knew to be humour.

'Yeah, well that's not happening,' she swallowed her coffee, the burning heat in her throat giving her something to focus on.

Garrus stared at her and she realised he wasn't buying her story. She wasn't ready to get into another discussion about her uncontrollable urge to throw the fembot out the airlock so she drank what was left of her coffee, almost choking as it seared her throat on the way down.

'I hear Joker has a new co-pilot,' Garrus commented then almost fell out of his chair as Shepard blasted to her feet.

'Yeah,' she crushed the disposable coffee cup in her fist. 'I'm going to my cabin,' she threw the cup in the disposal unit with more force than was necessary and walked away.

Garrus watched her go. It was unlike her to be so angry when not on a mission and it took him a moment to realise why. He chuckled and shook his head. Damn, Joker was in trouble and he probably didn't even know it.

* * *

Joker brought up the scans of Grissom Academy as they dropped out of FTL and into stealth. It only just occurred to him that he hadn't seen Shepard all day. He knew she had things to do but they usually had at least three conversations and she almost always brought him coffee. He hadn't even brought up any camera feed today, what had he been doing. It wasn't like him not to watch his wife through the cameras. He realised he'd skipped lunch too. Crap, had he arranged to meet her for lunch. He didn't think so but she wouldn't be happy if she thought he forgot. His brow furrowed as he tried to recall if they'd made plans.

'EDI, was I supposed to meet Shepard for lunch?'

'I don't believe so.'

He glanced sideways at his new co-pilot. He was still amazed at having her beside him. He'd got used to interacting with just her voice but now she had a physical form she seemed more real. The rest of the crew seemed to think so as well, they'd been wandering in and out all day on some pretence, simply to get a look at her new platform. He'd spent most of the day talking to her about her new body, how it worked, how she was finding it, not that she'd moved from the seat all day to discover what it was like to socialise physically. She'd seemed quite content to sit by his side. It occurred to him that he'd been distracted by her new platform, so much so he'd neglected to see what Shepard was doing.

'I'm picking up a Cerberus cruiser and several fighters,' EDI's voice made him look up at his screens.

'Commander,' Joker opened the comm, 'we're picking up multiple Cerberus ships. We can't get the Normandy in past them.'

'Patch the feed through to my cabin.'

'What? I thought …. 'Joker frowned, she always came to the cockpit before missions, even before they were married.

'Do I have to repeat the order, Lieutenant?'

'No ma'am,' he linked the feed into her terminal.

Something was wrong. His guts churned and he didn't know why. He thought back over the day's events and wondered what had happened. He jumped as a voice came through from the station. The students were still alive and there was another way in.

'Joker I need a diversion so the shuttle can get through. Can you do that?'

'Can I?' Joker flexed his fingers, pushing his concerns about Shepard to the back of his mind. Deal with that later, now he needed to concentrate.

'Tell Garrus and Vega to suit up. We go in ten minutes.'

Joker switched to a private channel, 'Ari, are you okay?'

'I'm fine,' he could tell she was lying. 'I'll see you when we get back.'

Now he was definitely concerned, she wasn't coming to see him before she left, that was totally out of the ordinary. There would be no hand on his shoulder or peck on his cheek. That scared him.

'I love you,' he said softly into the comm, acutely aware that EDI was sitting beside him. 'Be careful.'

'Always am,' she replied and there was a pause on the other end. 'I love you too.'

Joker found it strange that it bothered him having EDI beside him when he was admitting his love for Shepard. It had never been an issue before. Then he thought about it. EDI didn't listen in on their private channel conversations. That didn't explain why he was embarrassed to admit his feelings now that she was sitting beside him.

'Ready Joker,' Steve came through on the comm.

Joker pushed all other thoughts aside as he released the cargo doors and the shuttle left the ship. As soon as they were out he pushed the Normandy forward, dropping out of stealth once he was close enough to the Cerberus ships. The shuttle's safety relied on him drawing away any threat, so he did. He wound his way among them, teasing and taunting them as he dived below the station. When he was sure they were following he picked up speed and raced away with Cerberus in pursuit.

Eventually the Cerberus ships gave up the chase and turned back. Joker let Steve know they were heading his way before putting the ship into stealth and hiding just out of sight range. He brought up the mission feed to hear Shepard cursing.

'Fucking mechanicals,' she cursed and ducked as an Atlas sent a rocket her way.

Joker frowned as she jumped up and emptied a full clip into the thing. Garrus and Vega were behind her, taking out Cerberus troops, but he could hear them chuckling. There was definitely something going on.

'EDI, how are Shepard's bio readings?'

'She is under stress and has been for most of the day.'

'How do you know?'

'She has been visible on the ship's cameras. She has snapped at a number of the crew today. Prior to her asking for privacy she appeared to be taking out her anger on Lieutenant Vega's punching bag. She seemed upset when she was speaking to Garrus in the mess.'

Joker was concerned, and more than a little confused. Damnit, why hadn't he checked the feeds today, he would have seen something, picked up that she wasn't happy. She was fine when she'd come back from Palaven. She'd been on her way to see him when she'd had to see to the disturbance in the AI core.

'Shepard, what are you doing?'

Vega's worried shout brought Joker's attention back to the feed. He watched as she slid between the legs of the Atlas, climbed up its back and proceeded to rip wires out with her hands. Joker could see the sparks as the machine lit up but Shepard waited till the last minute before jumping clear and rolling into cover. Shit! That was almost too reckless, even for Shepard.

'Take that you fucking piece of tin,' Shepard stood up and kicked the remains.

'Shepard, that was stupid,' Garrus spun her around angrily and Joker was glad he wasn't the only one to think so. 'Stop letting your personal feelings get the better of you.'

'Nothing personal, just taking down Cerberus,' Shepard glanced at the spot she knew the camera to be and Joker could see hurt in her eyes.

What the hell was going on? He brought up the feed from the mess and watched as Shepard marched in and made two coffees. So she had been bringing him one. Then she paused and he could see doubt and pain cross her face before she turned and threw one into the disposal unit. What the? He was more confused than ever.

He watched her sit and his heart ached at the despondent sigh she released as she dropped her head to the table. He was relieved to see Garrus sit down and talk to her and everything seemed to be going fine then suddenly she was on her feet, angrily crushing the cup and storming away. He saw the look of surprise on Garrus' face before it turned to one of understanding and he glanced at the camera with a shake of his head. Joker replayed the last part of the conversation, he'd been more watching than listening and he needed to know what brought on her sudden change.

'What's wrong with Shepard?' Steve asked as he walked through the door. 'I've never seen her so edgy.'

'I don't know,' Joker shook his head, 'she was fine earlier.' He suddenly realised that it was Steve behind him and turned to face him. 'What are you doing back, how is Shepard going to get off the station.'

'She sent me back when the Cerberus ships returned,' he frowned at Joker, 'I thought you listened in on the feeds.'

'I do,' he was angry with himself for getting distracted during a mission. 'I was checking something else out.'

'Kahlee Sanders is getting them out on a Cerberus shuttle,' Steve informed him and was about to leave when he glanced over at EDI. 'So this is the new body everyone's talking about?'

'Yes,' EDI nodded and Joker was surprised at how quickly she was picking up human movements. 'It seems to be proving quite popular with the crew.'

'Especially the men, I'll bet,' Steve laughed.

'It would seem so.' EDI agreed.

Joker glanced at EDI and it took a moment for Steve's comment to register. His eyes widened in realisation as Steve seemed to have the same thought.

'Damn, I think you're in trouble,' Steve was still laughing as the door closed between them.

Joker needed to be sure so he replayed the feed from the mess and groaned as the truth became clear. He thought back over his reaction at EDI's arrival and felt his guts churn. What the fuck was he thinking! But she couldn't really be ….., surely she knew better than that.

'We're heading out in a Cerberus shuttle, Joker.' Shepard's voice echoed around the cockpit and he sighed as he turned back to the controls.

'Locking on now,' he brought the ship to life and moved to rendezvous with them.

He joined In some light hearted banter with Jack but he was more concerned about how he was going to fix things with his wife. There was no way he was letting this escalate into something more. With that in mind he contacted Adams as the shuttle moved into the bay.


	55. Chapter 55

**** 55 ****

Joker leant against the wall in the starboard observation lounge hoping he'd got things right. He'd been completely at a loss about what to do to fix things with Shepard and she hadn't made it easy by not coming to see him. He hadn't been able to get an idea of just how much trouble he was in. So he'd gone looking for help, which really didn't help at all, it simply confused him even more.

He kicked himself mentally many times, why had he been so stupid, why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut. He realised just how inexperienced he was when it came to relationships, he'd never understood how hard it was and he took his hat off to everyone who managed it. He still had a lot to learn, but so did Shepard. She'd admitted that she hadn't had any long term, lasting relationships either. It seemed that they would be learning together.

He'd asked Vega for advice, he seemed to know his way around women so he'd hoped to get some clarification on the way they liked to be treated. He came away shaking his head. It appeared that Vega had never had to deal with the seriousness of relationships either. His idea of fixing things was to flirt and seduce without getting to the bottom of the problem. He did, however, reinforce Joker's belief that he was in trouble.

Garrus was no help either, his idea of sorting out their problems in a physical altercation definitely wouldn't work. The thought of broken bones was enough to send him directly to Dr Chakwas who offered sound advice, sort of. She suggested that he talk to her, find out what was wrong while polishing off the contents of a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. She seemed to think that alcohol would drive away the issue.

Liara suggested music and flowers to soften the mood and help Shepard relax, a little difficult to arrange on a ship in space, the flowers anyway. She told him to admit that it was all his fault, that Shepard had every right to be angry with him. She was right to a point but Joker thought Shepard knew how much he loved her, why would she doubt that. In the end it was Steve who gave him the best advice.

'You know in your heart what to do,' Steve had chuckled at him when Joker stood forlornly at his workstation. 'She needs to know that you love her, that she's the only one you want.'

'It's that simple?' Joker scoffed.

'Yep,' Steve nodded, 'it's that simple.'

So now here he was, waiting for her to join him. His shift ended an hour ago and he knew hers did too. She'd been in their quarters but he felt they needed more neutral ground. He was freshly showered and changed and all he wanted was to sort things out, so they could share their bed without the problems of what had been a very long day coming between them. He hoped everything didn't backfire because they were both tired.

He'd done what he could with the food they had on board, he'd borrowed the brandy from Chakwas, promising not to drink the entire bottle, he'd closed the shutter and prepared the room and he'd picked some soft music just in case. He'd sent her a message, asking her to join him for dinner and he was thankful when she said yes.

He jumped as the door opened and she walked in. She stopped inside the doorway and gasped. Joker had managed to find a few artificial candles in Kasumi's old room and Traynor had offered him a collection of scented petals which he'd scattered across the blanket he'd laid out on the floor. Liara had presented him with a couple of large cushions for comfort and he'd laid out their dinner between them. He liked to think it was romantic.

'Hey you,' he said softly and she turned to look at him.

'Hey yourself,' she gave him a half smile, there was still hurt there and it broke his heart to think he'd caused it.

He pushed himself off the wall and reached for her hand, thankful that she didn't pull away, 'I'm glad you came.' He stood before her and met her eyes, 'I wasn't sure you would, I know you're upset with me.'

'Are you sure you wouldn't rather be having dinner with your new fembot?' She sighed and looked away but he cupped her chin and made her face him.

'Ari, seriously? She's a collection of nuts and bolts, yeah okay, she's shapely, but do you really think I would be attracted to that?' He grinned as her eyebrows went up, 'she doesn't have your beautiful eyes, she doesn't have your soft lips,' he brushed his thumb across her mouth and she shivered. 'Why would I want something cold and metallic when I can have your warmth, your sexy body against me,' he ran his hands down her side and held her hips.

'You certainly seemed happy to see her,' Shepard tried to sound angry but it came out more like a pout.

'I was surprised, hey, I'm a perv, you know that and she is a space nerd's dream come to life,' he laughed as she frowned at him. 'It doesn't mean anything. Do you really think I'd choose her over you? I hate that you're hurting because I was stupid and didn't think before carrying on like a horny teenager. '

'You've spent a lot of time together in the last six months,' she reminded him.

'Most of that was working out how best to help you, how to get you out of prison and back where you belonged. It was EDI that made it possible for us to be together, who gave us our stolen moments.' He ran his fingers down her cheek and she leaned into his hand. 'She's not a threat to you, she's an AI, a robot, Ari. I gave you my heart, it's yours forever.'

'I'm sorry,' she groaned. 'I've never had to deal with this stuff before, I guess I over reacted.'

'Yes you did,' he chuckled, 'but I haven't had to deal with it before either. I'm sorry I caused you pain.' He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, 'I love you Ari Moreau, I always will.'

Joker was relieved when she buried her head under his chin and her arms slid around his back. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He'd missed her so much, and that was only after one day.  He'd never believed that he could feel so strongly about someone but now he couldn't imagine feeling anything else.

'Thank you,' she whispered and he glanced down at her as she raised her head to look at him. 'For loving me enough to want to fix this, for not letting it get out of hand.'

'What choice did I have,' he grinned, 'I didn't want to go back to sleeping in my chair.' She slapped him playfully on the shoulder. 'Are you ready to eat?'

'You cooked?' She glanced past him as he nodded. 'I am hungry and it's been a long day.'

Joker couldn't wipe the grin off his face as they settled themselves on the blanket and he was even happier when she moaned in delight at his offering.

'This is nice,' she muttered around a mouthful of food and he chuckled. 'Did you have help?'

'No, other than the gift of a few supplies,' he shook his head, 'just don't ever ask Vega for relationship advice.' Her eyes widened and he grinned, 'for that matter, don't ask anyone on this ship, well, maybe Steve.'

'Now I'm curious,' she chuckled and before long they were both laughing at the sound advice Joker had been presented with.

* * *

Joker shook his head with a chuckle. He was listening in on the conversation between Wrex, Garrus and James down on Sur'kesh. Their discussion of how to serve salarian livers was amusing and he was sure the salarian guards were uncomfortable. Once again they were on a you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours mission. This time though he truly believed in the necessity of what they were doing.

Having Wrex back on board was great, as much as the krogan was huge and prone to bluster Joker knew he had a softer, more caring side. Helping Wrex cure his people of the Genophage was a mission worth doing, the krogan had suffered long enough at the hands of others. He knew this was a mission close to Shepard's heart, she loved Wrex like a brother and the idea of saving female krogans brought out the romantic in her, not that she'd admit to it. Not only that, Wrex respected Joker and that was something extra special to him. Krogans didn't accept weakness and his disease was definitely that but his abilities made him worthy in the eyes of Wrex, and Grunt for that matter. He had been accepted by both as a warrior.

Things were back to the chaos that was normal for them. Shepard was managing to control her jealousy, even asking EDI about her new body, all the while with a death grip on his shoulder. She'd only released it when he'd covered her hand with his and squeezed. She'd come up to the cockpit before the mission and they'd gone through their customary pre-mission routine and that eased his worries more than he realised.

'Jeff, I'm picking up incoming ships,' Edi brought up the radar screen and Joker watched as several red dots appeared.

'Shit,' Joker knew that signal. 'Commander, we've got Cerberus ships inbound.' There was static on the other end and the feed from the planet disappeared. 'Damn it! EDI see if you can clear that jamming signal. Let's give these bastards something else to think about.'

Joker stirred the ship into life and brought the weapons on line, Garrus was going to be pissed he didn't get to fire them. They were still in stealth mode so Cerberus was unaware of their presence. There were several shuttles, a few fighters and two frigates, not difficult targets but he couldn't hit them all at once. He opted for the frigates, the shuttles were already headed for the surface and he had no doubt Shepard, her team and the salarians could handle themselves.

'Everybody strap in and prepare for evasive manoeuvres, Cerberus has come to visit,' Joker closed the com, fastened his harness, cracked his knuckles and took a deep breath. He was smiling as he moved them forward, waiting until they were clearly in view before dropping out of stealth. He could picture the surprised faces on the first frigate as the Normandy appeared on their radar, the panicked rush for evasion as he raced towards them, they were so close now, there was no time for those on board. But Shepard had rubbed off on him.

'EDI, target their engines, weapons and communications,' he felt the Normandy respond as he changed tack and slid across the hull of the frigate.

There was a split second where everything could go fubar and as only metres separated the two ships he held his breath. He felt the guns fire and the frigate rocked beneath them as he lifted the Normandy up and away. One ship dead in space.

'Holy crap!' a crewman yelled behind him but Joker ignored it.

He released his breath, Shepard would be proud. He could have destroyed them with one shot from the Thannix cannon but just because it was a Cerberus ship didn't mean everyone on it had to die. They still had life support for a while and escape pods if they wanted to flee.

'How's that jamming coming, EDI?'

'It seems to be centred on the planet's surface, I am unable to remove it at the present time. I have however infiltrated the VI on board the second frigate and I am currently attempting to seize control. Their technicians are putting up a fight.'

He glanced up at the radar to see the second frigate closing from behind and the warning that they were being targeted. Joker sent the Normandy into a half roll and dropped away to port as the frigate fired. There was a good chance the Cerberus frigate had upgraded weapons, there seemed to be no expense spared on their ships. He doubted they had the Thannix cannon though so he was prepared for conventional weapons. His guess was confirmed as the launch of Javelins registered.

'Nice try,' he grinned as the Normandy danced up, over and around the incoming missiles, destroying them both with the Guardian lasers.

Joker had flown in space all his adult life. He was familiar with the reaction time of his ship, the fact that there was no force working against him like there was when flying in an atmosphere, nothing to slow him down except the power of his ship, or crashing into something. He'd often been amused by shuttle pilots who spent all their time flying around planets then when suddenly faced with the vacuum of space and the lack of environmental conditions struggled to compensate. Yeah, he knew about gravitational pulls, magnetic fields and everything else that went with working in space but he was good at his job. He didn't claim to be the best damn pilot in the fleet on a whim.

It was this knowledge and skill that allowed him to rotate the Normandy on her axis, bringing her nose around to face the frigate that was fast approaching. He knew exactly how long it would take for the engines to come back to full power, how many seconds he needed before he had forward movement and how long it would be before he had enough speed. His grin could have been called maniacal as he urged the Normandy forward.

The pilot of the frigate obviously didn't have anywhere near Joker's skill as the ship was slow to respond. Joker could picture the sheer terror in the cockpit as the Normandy came straight at them and they had little time to manoeuvre.

'Impact in three minutes,' EDI spoke beside him but he ignored her.

Adrenaline cursed through his system and sweat covered his forehead as Joker kept them moving forward. Timing was everything and Joker had played this game so many times at flight school, both on simulators and in the real thing. He'd never misjudged. He knew what panic did to pilots, he'd had his fair share, and he knew what the instinctual reactions would be. He didn't like to think of himself as cocky but he'd never been wrong.

'Impact in two minutes.'

'Engines, weapons and communications EDI,' his hands flew across his console as he controlled their path to the millimetre.

The pilot of the frigate was true to form and Joker smiled as the nose of the other ship dropped and they headed down towards the planet below.

'Now EDI,' Joker said calmly and the guns fired beneath him.

The frigate shuddered and died but it was already in motion and continued its nose dive. Joker could see the thrusters firing as the pilot tried to delay their entry into the atmosphere of Sur'kesh. If he was good he could get them into a planetary orbit but Joker didn't think he was that good. He put the Normandy into a high orbit and watched as the ship descended into the upper atmosphere then cursed angrily as the cargo bay opened and an atlas and shuttle dropped out. He didn't have time to stop them, Shepard would just have to take care of it. The frigate disappeared around the curve of the planet and Joker knew there was no pulling up from their descent.

'You can relax people,' he spoke into the com, 'Cerberus is taken care of.' He released his harness and allowed himself to sink into his chair.

'That was impressive flying, Jeff,' EDI commented from beside him.

'All in a day's work,' he chuckled.

'I doubt Shepard would appreciate you playing chicken with the Normandy.'

'Yeah, well, she doesn't have to know,' he shrugged.

Behind him excited conversation caught his attention and he looked back to see the crew watching a replay of the fight on their screens. Damn, so much for Shepard not finding out. He sent a message to the salarians and Alliance Command, letting them know about the Cerberus ship in orbit awaiting collection.

* * *

'Chicken! You played chicken with the Normandy!' James was almost giddy with excitement. 'That's insane! Man I wish I'd been aboard.' Joker laughed as he turned his chair towards them.

'What does a small, feathered creature that you eat have to do with battle?' Garrus' mandibles fluttered in confusion.

'Not a bird, Scars,' James raised his hands and proceeded to demonstrate the idea of playing chicken.

'That's gutsy play,' Garrus spoke respectfully and Joker understood just how much that meant from a Turian.

'Always knew you had a quad,' Wrex laughed as he walked onto the cockpit and was about to hit Joker on the shoulder but thought better of it. 'That was some flying, I just saw the vid.'

'There's a vid?' James looked at him wide eyed, 'gotta go watch that.' He dashed out, almost crashing into Shepard as she stepped into the cockpit.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau,' she spoke in her commander voice and stood at parade rest. Behind her the crew all turned to see what was going on. Garrus and Wrex stepped aside so she had a clear line of sight to Joker. 'I understand you played chicken with my ship, that you took down two Cerberus frigates without destroying them.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Joker could see the twinkle of amusement in her eyes and knew he wasn't really in trouble. 'Had to watch your back, ma'am.'

'Damn, that's why I love you,' she grinned and was on him in two strides, her hands on his face, her lips on his.

Garrus cleared his throat and Wrex just laughed. Joker was laughing as she pulled back, she wasn't usually so open with affection when they were on duty but he wasn't going to argue with her. He glanced over her shoulder and saw several of the crew gaping and he'd never felt prouder in his life.

'I had a little help,' he motioned towards EDI and Shepard glanced over at her.

'Jeff is being modest,' EDI corrected, 'I simply fired the guns and gave their technicians something to do.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Shepard nodded at her before stepping back from Joker. 'I'll see you for dinner,' she smiled and headed back towards the CIC then stopped and looked at the open doorway before glancing back questioningly at Joker.

'I had Adams fix it,' he shrugged.

She positively beamed at him then turned and walked away, Joker's eyes following as she deliberately emphasised the swing of her hips. Yep, things were definitely back to normal.


	56. Chapter 56

**** 56 ****

Joker was quickly becoming resigned to the fact that they seemed to be everyone's lackeys. It wasn't that he minded that they were helping where they could they just didn't seem to be making any headway against the Reapers. And Earth was suffering, shit, everywhere was suffering.

It was great to have some of the old team back, Mordin, Wrex, Liara and Garrus, it felt like a family reunion. Then to find Grunt, only to almost lose him, was a bonus, their little krogan baby was all grown up. He'd heard Shepard's voice catch when Grunt volunteered to let her team escape, he had to admit to his eyes being moist at the thought of him dying. Shepard's voice shook when Grunt appeared out of that cave and even he was grinning madly. Freeing the rachni Queen he wasn't so sure about, still any help was good.

That didn't stop the feeling that they were marching on the spot. Plus they were fighting a war on two fronts. After stopping Cerberus on Benning then invading one of their labs on Sanctum he wondered if the Illusive Man had gone completely insane. They were fighting to save humanity but he obviously wasn't on the same page, in fact, he was reading from a completely different book. For someone who put humanity first he was certainly going about it in a strange way.

Shepard was frustrated and worried, she might not show it but he could see it. He listened while she cursed, he held her while she poured out her grief for those she couldn't save, he kissed away her tears when her emotions got the better of her and he made love to her like every time could be their last. They made the most of what little time they spent together and that was what kept them going, kept them sane.

They were on their way back to the Citadel for a quick stop to resupply, drop off intel, survivors, other bits and pieces they'd found along the way and he knew Shepard wanted to check on Kaidan. She felt guilty that he'd been hurt on her watch, Joker had seen the pain in her eyes, she cared for every one of her team and Kaidan was no exception. Joker had listened while she'd explained why she could forgive him for Horizon, for doubting her. She knew his nature, just like she knew everyone on her team and crew, she understood the human condition better than anyone he knew.

He figured that if she didn't hold grudges or condemn someone for being themselves then he shouldn't either. Besides, he didn't have many friends, he'd kept himself apart for so long that only a few people could be considered close, considered a friend. He really couldn't afford to lose one, everyone was entitled to a second chance, he'd been lucky enough to get his. Kaidan had been his wingman and his straight man on the SR1, he missed that.

'How we doin', Joker?' Shepard stood behind him, her hand gently resting on his shoulder.

'Approaching the Citadel now,' he motioned out the window as the massive station became visible through the haze of the nebula that surrounded it. 'Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy requesting a vector and a berth.'

'Roger, Normandy, docking bay D24, immediate clearance granted' the operator on the other end sounded tired but quickly added, 'welcome back.'

Joker glanced up at Shepard with a smile, 'seems we're popular.' He chuckled as her brow furrowed, 'see all the extra ships,' he pointed outside, 'they're all waiting for a berth and we should have joined the queue. Maybe that Spectre status is paying off.'

'Or maybe they're just afraid no-one else is going to save their asses,' she scoffed and he laughed.

'There is that,' he nodded as he worked the controls.

'Shepard,' Garrus hurried towards them. 'I've just heard there are survivors from Palaven on the Citadel, I'd like to go and see if I can help.'

'Of course,' she nodded and Garrus gave the Turian equivalent of a relieved sigh. 'Do what you can, let me know if I can help. We'll be here for twenty four hours then we leave for Tuchanka.'

'Thanks,' he nodded and walked away.

The Normandy slid into her berth without so much as a bump and once the docking clamps were engaged Joker put the ship into lockdown. He'd been thinking about something and he turned to take Shepard's hand in his.

'Hey babe,' he pulled her down onto his lap. 'I want to take you to lunch, can we organise that somewhere in your busy schedule,' he kissed her neck as she leaned in to him.

'I'd like that,' she slipped her arms around his neck.

'Send me a message when you're free and we can meet at Apollos,' his forehead creased as he thought about the other thing he'd wanted to ask.

'Jeff?' She looked at him in concern and he knew he couldn't hide anything from her.

'I want to do something but I'm not sure how you'll feel about it,' he sighed and she cocked her head at him. 'I'd like to take EDI off the ship, give her the opportunity to spend time among people.' He watched as her eyes darkened and he felt her stiffen. 'Hear me out, please,' he tightened his hold on her so she couldn't escape. He had to do this now while EDI was in the AI core and he wanted to make sure Shepard didn't misunderstand his intentions.

'Okay,' she nodded and relaxed against him.

'You remember when you first brought Grunt on board, how you called him your krogan baby because he had no experience, no memories other than what Okeer had planted. You wanted to guide him, help him understand the world he was born into.' She nodded and he felt a little more confident. 'EDI needs the same. Think about it, she's an AI sure, but she's only recently become self-aware. She has all this information about how people interact, how she should behave, deal with things. But she doesn't have the experience. She has no moral compass other than what she learns from us.

'She has questions, lots of them. She wanted to come and talk to you but I wasn't sure you were ready for that so I told her to wait until you weren't so busy. She's been talking to others on the ship but she respects you the most, values your input. She needs guidance, just like a child does. She needs parents, just like Grunt did, and like it or not we're the closest thing she's got.' He waited for a moment while she thought about it, he knew he was right and he knew she would recognise that.

'I see your point,' she sighed and sat up so she could meet his eyes. 'I guess I've been thinking of her as a woman since she took over Eva's body, but she's not. I'm not saying I won't still see that but I can understand what you're saying. If you think it will help her grow then take her off the ship, but be careful, please.'

'Hey, it's better we do this than have her start believing in the Reapers and try to kill us all,' he slid his hand into her hair and pulled her down for a kiss. 'I love you, you know.'

'I love you too,' she smiled and brushed the side of his face. 'When did you get so smart?'

'I've always been smart,' he grinned, 'I just play dumb so people don't watch what they do or say around me, makes for great blackmail material.' He waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'Let the crew know they have twenty four hours,' she got to her feet and helped him to his. 'I'll see you for lunch.

* * *

Joker stepped into Kaidan's room at Huerta Memorial and shivered, he hated hospitals at the best of times but seeing him lying in the bed brought back unpleasant memories. The man was a mess, there didn't appear to be any part of him that wasn't bruised. Joker remembered when that had been him, after Alchera. He pushed the memory aside, things had changed since then, he'd changed, everyone had changed. There was no time left for resentment or hate.

It was hard to see someone he'd considered a friend in pain, bruised and battered and he wondered if Kaidan had felt the same when it had been him in that bed. He knew Kaidan's guilt had driven him into a darkness that almost killed him but he'd managed to claw his way back to sanity. Joker knew how hard it had been for him to be back on the Normandy, to work with Shepard and he hoped it didn't break him again. He'd left EDI outside, the last thing Kaidan needed was to see the body that put him in here.

'Hey, Joker,' Kaidan whispered from the bed, pulling Joker out of his thoughts.

'Kaidan, how are you doing?' He pulled up a chair and sat down.

'Didn't expect you to come visit,' he sighed and closed his eyes.

'Maybe I should go,' Joker went to stand, 'let you rest.'

'No, stay, please,' Kaidan shifted and looked at him. 'I'm glad you came. I didn't think you'd want to talk to me after my behaviour on Mars.'

'Yeah, another one of your asshole moments,' he shrugged as Kaidan groaned softly. 'Funnily enough it was Shepard that understood exactly where you were coming from, we had a long discussion about you.'

'Thought my ears were recovering from burns,' he grimaced as he chuckled.

'I guess if she can let you off the hook so can I,' he slouched back in the chair, 'besides, it's the end of the world as we know it so holding grudges seems wrong.' He sighed deeply before continuing, 'so, Spectre huh?

'Yeah, Udina thinks I'm perfect for the job. Not sure if I should take it. I'd rather be out there fighting on the front lines.'

'At least you'd have resources and power to help more on the front lines,' Joker pointed out then scoffed, 'not that there is a front line.'

'How are things out there? Shepard came to see me, wanted to check up on me but she didn't stay long. She's feeling guilty about me being here isn't she?'

'Yeah, you know what she's like, cares about everyone before herself. It's a struggle to get her to stop and take a breath sometimes.' Joker couldn't hide the concern in his voice. 'As for things out there: messy. On one hand we have Cerberus, on the other the Reapers and in between too much time spent searching for clues on how we win this war. It's fucking crazy! People are dying everywhere but we keep getting shit missions to help one person so they'll help either us or someone else. No-one seems to want to do anything just for the sake of doing good any more.' He reigned in his frustration and sat forward.

'Have you heard from Anderson?'

'A few times, whenever he can spare the time to get to a QEC.' Joker scrubbed his hands over his face and pushed his cap back. 'It feels like we're wasting time while everyone else is dying. Things aren't good on Earth, shit, they're not good anywhere.'

'Yeah, I haven't heard from my parents since all this started,' Kaidan turned to stare out the window. 'They were heading out of Vancouver when everything went to hell, I hope they made it.'

'Shit,' Joker cursed softly, all too aware of what losing a parent was like. 'My mum was on Arcturus, I was talking to her when the Reapers hit.'

'Fuck, Joker, I'm sorry,' Kaidan turned back to face him. 'What about your dad and sister?'

'Haven't heard, communications aren't real good right now.' Joker stood up and moved to look out the window. 'Liara is using her network to see if she can find out anything but so far no luck. The whole fucking galaxy is a mess and it's not going to get better any time soon. Shepard's carrying the weight on her shoulders, I'm trying to stop her from breaking under it but it's only the beginning. Everyone wants something from her and the worse it gets the more she's going to suffer for it. I'm afraid this is going to kill her, again. It's like she's some kind of saviour that's going to chase the Reapers away.' He wanted to hit something, to lash out but he couldn't risk the broken bones. 'Why does it have to be her?'

'We've always known she was special, there's just something about her that makes everyone want to follow her into hell because we know she'll bring us out the other side.'

'Ya think,' Joker waved his hands up and down his body, 'third time now.'

Kaidan snorted a laugh then groaned in pain, 'damn I need to get out of this bed.' He shifted a little and Joker turned towards him. 'At least you stood by her, some of us weren't so sensible. You're a lucky man, Joker, make the most of whatever time you have with her.'

'Oh I'll definitely do that,' he chuckled and Kaidan rolled his eyes. 'Hey, thanks Kaidan, for letting me vent, not that you're in any condition to stop me. It's nice to have a human ear, other than the doc.'

'Thanks for trusting me enough to do it,' Kaidan sat up a little and Joker held out his hand.

'Hey, you might be an asshole at times but we were friends once, I'd like to be again.'

'I'd like that,' Kaidan took his hand and shook it gently, 'I think we're going to need all the friends we can get.'

'All right, enough mushy stuff, I'd better go and meet Shepard,' he was almost at the door when Kaidan called to him.

'Joker, thanks for coming to see me, it means a lot.'

'Just get your ass out of that bed, we could use you on the Normandy.'

* * *

Joker watched in amazement as people went about their everyday lives. There was laughter, lots of calm conversation and shopping. The vids were showing everything but news about the war. The Citadel seemed to be encased in a bubble of denial.

'Hey you,' a hand slipped into his and he smiled as fingers interlaced with his.

'Hey yourself,' he looked up at Shepard from under his cap. 'Been busy?'

'Definitely, I've been running around all over the place. The worst part was having to tell the Ambassador about his son, that never gets easy.' She sat back in the seat and sighed, Joker could see how tired she was. 'I had a drink with Vega and some grunts at Purgatory, helped a C-Sec officer with an investigation, did some Spectre stuff.'

'Maybe you should head back to the Normandy and get some rest while you can.'

'Trying to get out of our date?' She raised her eyebrows at him.

'Not on your life, but I know how tired you are,' he slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in towards him. They were in public but they were off duty, not that he cared, he was beyond that and he wanted to hold his wife when she needed it. From the way she eagerly leaned into him he guessed she felt the same.

'How is EDI enjoying her day trip?' She was staring across the plaza to where EDI stood watching people shop.

'I think she's enjoying herself.  I had to list her as my mobility assistance mech to avoid questions.' He chuckled and continued, 'and life goes on, It's amazing really, you can see the latest Blasto movie, get helpful hints for making a house into a home, you can shop with ease. No-one seems to care that these big assed Reapers are on their way, or that an unshackled AI is among them. Maybe we should just bury our heads in the sand too.'

'They're in denial, they'll wake up soon enough,' she snuggled further into his chest and he felt her relax.

'Yeah, when another Reaper latches on to the Citadel and then they'll be all "oh, Commander Shepard, come save us!" just you watch.' She laughed at him waving his hands in the air in mock panic and he chuckled. 'How about we go get some lunch before that happens.'

'What about EDI?'

'I have that covered,' he brought up his omnitool and sent a message. 'Told you I wasn't trying to get out of our date.'

'Shepard,' EDI came and sat beside them. 'I have a question about organic behaviour.' She watched as Shepard nodded and Joker smiled inwardly, relieved that Shepard hadn't tensed up. 'Everyone is going about their business as if things are normal. They are not normal, the Reapers could wipe out all organic life tomorrow. Why are organics not panicking, why are they not preparing?'

'Organics tend to try and ignore things they have no control over. They often have an, it won't happen to me mentality. Also fear makes us want to reach for the familiar, to do what's normal until we can't.'

'So they deny the truth until that is no longer possible?'

'In most cases, yes. There will be some who are preparing, being with their families and accepting the worst case scenarios. It's an emotional response that sometimes seems irrational.'

'I see,' EDI seemed to think for a moment. 'I am glad then that I am on the Normandy with those I consider family, in case the worst happens.' Joker grinned at Shepard's surprised stare.

'Shepard,' Liara walked over and sat beside them. 'Anyone would think there isn't a war happening, these people have no idea.'

'See,' Joker pointed animatedly at Liara, 'I'm not the only one.'

'All right,' she silenced him with a kiss. 'Can we eat now, I'm starving.'

'You two go ahead, I'll make sure EDI gets back to the ship,' Liara waved them off. 'Enjoy it while you can.'

'Thanks Liara,' Joker took Shepard's offered hand as she helped him to his feet. 'Did you meet your father?'

'Yes,' she nodded slowly, a smile lifting the corner of her mouth. 'It was …. Interesting.'

'Now that you'll have to explain,' Joker laughed as Shepard grabbed his arm and started leading him away.

'Food, now, or I'll find someone else to feed me.'

'I like it when you get bossy,' Joker whispered in her ear and she shivered. 'Maybe after lunch we can take advantage of how quiet the Normandy is, my chair is big enough for two.' He laughed as her face flushed and her breath caught but she quickly ushered him into the café.

'If you feed me I might just be willing to let you have your way with me,' her voice was husky and low.

It was Joker's turn to flush and he shifted his stance as blood travelled south. Shepard laughed and he was extremely glad to hear it. He was also glad they were able to sit so quickly before his reactions drew attention. He was hoping there was something quick and easy on the menu as now he had other things on his mind.


	57. Chapter 57

**** 57 ****

Time. It was an insubstantial thing and yet it affected them in ways they couldn't control. Some days passed in an instant, other days seemed to last forever. It ruled over everything and everyone like a king on a throne, throwing out challenges on a whim, making them wait for the right moment, the exact minute when everything would fall into place and they could move forward.

They seemed to be fighting time and moving backwards, at this particular point in time that was all they could do. Joker couldn't help the sense of frustration that seemed to be eating at him. He was starting to feel like he was always waiting, but not just him. The turians were waiting on the krogans to help save them, the krogans were waiting on a salarian to cure the Genophage, Shepard was waiting on all of them to help her and Earth. But for him it was more personal.

Lately Shepard had ordered him to back off and wait, to stay out of sight while ever she was on the ground. Steve had become her number one pilot, getting her in and out of scrapes, pulling her ass out of the fire. When he'd suggested he help out she'd ordered him to stand down. He didn't like it. As much as he loved his wife he felt like she was deliberately holding him back. Yes the SR-2 was bigger and more difficult to handle in atmosphere but it wasn't impossible, he'd done it before. He felt like he'd been benched. Good enough to fly her around the galaxy so she could save Earth but not good enough to help her do it. She had a healthy pilot for that now. Joker hated himself for even thinking that way, he knew she didn't, but he'd dealt with his insecurities his entire life and they still popped up every now and then.

They'd left the Citadel and headed to Tuchanka in the hope that Mordin's cure for the Genophage would be ready. It wasn't, but Cerberus was there. Joker tried but failed to wrap his mind around the logic of the Illusive Man. What was on Tuchanka that he wanted? It was a pile of radioactive rubble, unless there was something they were missing the Illusive Man appeared to be wasting troops and time for nothing.

The cruiser in orbit was too much for him to take on alone but the frigate and the smaller ships he could manage. Shepard had ordered him to stay out of sight, to wait. But he was fed up of waiting, fed up of feeling useless. A squadron of turians was taking on the might of Cerberus and he knew they didn't stand a chance. Once the shuttle was clear of the hangar he put the Normandy between the Cerberus ships and the vulnerable craft. He had no doubts about Steve's flying skills but he wasn't prepared to take the chance on losing the most important person in the world to him.

'Okay, EDI,' his hands flew over his console, 'let's give them a headache.'

'I don't believe causing individual pain will be of any benefit,' EDI replied stoically. 'Shepard ordered us to wait and stay out of sight.'

'Yeah, well I'm fed up of waiting. Just trust me,' Joker shook his head and put the Normandy into a dive.

It always seemed strange to Joker that old flight terms were still used for space travel. They just didn't fit. There was no up or down, there wasn't really a left to right either. From the bridge of the Normandy, or any ship, there appeared to be direction but it was an illusion. It was just something pilots used to describe their position. Unless they were orbiting a planet, then the drag of gravity gave them a true sense of place and direction. In space there was vacuum, the only sound was the background noise of the universe, light came from stars, scattered by nebula and sucked in by black holes. But this was his playground, his dance floor and he loved the curved slippery dip and the tango.

He put the Normandy into a lazy spiral, winding down around the collection of Cerberus ships, still in stealth until he was ready to be seen. His jaw clenched, as if he gripped an imaginary rose between his teeth, they dropped out of stealth and dragged the Cerberus fighters and frigate across the dance floor, caught in his hold as he shot into FTL. Just as quickly he was back in normal space, he didn't need a lot of room just precise timing. As the Normandy slowed from her rapid transit he put her into a pirouette and reversed her engines.

'Ready, EDI, no mercy this time,' Joker checked his scans, pleased to see the distortion of an FTL field right where he expected it to be. 'Fire in 3, 2, …..'

He felt the shudder and a distant thumping as the ship's guns fired at the exact moment the group of smaller fighters appeared directly ahead of them. They hadn't stood a chance. Joker watched as they disintegrated, a colourful, silent dance of destruction. He stopped the engines, quickly punching in new co-ordinates as a second distortion appeared on his scans. Slowly they moved forward, timed steps matching an imaginary beat as the Cerberus frigate popped into being off to starboard.

Joker knew it would take them a few moments to get their bearings and find them but he wasn't giving them the opportunity. He fired the thrusters, throwing the Normandy's tail around so they were facing the frigate.

'Fire across their bow, EDI,' he brought the engines to full power, his fingers punching in numbers as the guns rattled beneath him.

The minute the guns stopped they were moving forward, the Cerberus frigate moving to meet them but Joker was quicker. As the guns on the frigate came to life the Normandy was already into an FTL jump. Joker chuckled as they dropped back into the space around Tuchanka. He could picture the pilot of the frigate, his frustration and anger as his target disappeared. Joker was almost sure it would cause mistakes, but these were Cerberus troops, they could have been enhanced in any number of ways. Not wanting to take the chance he gave himself more room this time, took a deep breath and waited.

The Cerberus cruiser had dropped into orbit around the planet and was bombarding the surface. The Turian squad were like flies on an elephant, a nuisance but not enough to cause a distraction. He watched as they backed off to regroup. Joker hadn't brought up the feed from the ground team and for a moment he was concerned. It was in that moment that several things happened. The Cruiser was hit from the surface and he gaped as it was blown into several pieces at the exact moment the frigate came out of FTL, right into the path of the exploding ship. The pilot had over compensated for the Normandy's expected position and the ship had no chance to escape. The momentum of the explosion sent pieces of the cruiser crashing into the frigate, ripping it apart with the force.

'I believe they will have a headache,' EDI commented.

'I'd say we gave them a migraine,' Joker nodded.

'What a beautiful sight,' Steve's voice came through on the com.

'Thank you for your assistance, Normandy,' the Turian commander spoke into Joker's ear.

Joker spared a thought for the people who had just died, but it was only fleeting. They had made their choice, this was war and those choices decided their fate. He pushed the thought from his mind as he brought the Normandy in to pick up the shuttle.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau, my quarters, now.'

Joker frowned at the tone of Shepard's voice. She wouldn't have had time to remove her armour and she usually liked to have a shower before writing her report and debriefing the ground team. He made his way to the elevator, a strange sense of dread washed over him and he shivered as he stepped onto the landing and opened the door of their quarters.

'What the fuck did you think you were doing?!' Shepard pounced on him before he'd stepped completely inside. She was still in her armour, pacing heavily and from her flushed face he knew she was angry. 'I ordered you to stay out of sight, to wait till I returned.' She glared at him and his anger burst to the surface.

'I'm fucking tired of waiting, of being benched.' He stepped up to her and she flinched at the strength in his voice and the heat in his eyes. 'I'm a fucking pilot, the best the Alliance has on a state of the art warship and you keep putting me on the sidelines. You keep stopping me from doing my job. It's like you don't trust me now that you have a pilot that won't break a bone. It used to be me that saved your ass, that pulled you out of the fire but you won't let me any more.' He almost stopped at the pain in her eyes but he'd been holding on to his self-doubt for too long. 'I'm not good enough for you, I always knew you'd realise that. I'm not brave enough to help you, not strong enough to stand by your side when you need someone. I guess the truth had to come out.' He was shaking and his legs didn't feel like they could hold him up but he turned to leave knowing he'd probably gone too far.

'I haven't dismissed you Lieutenant.' Shepard yelled at him.

'Yeah, well I never was good at obeying orders,' he knew he'd overstepped the mark. She was his CO, yes she was his wife but they were on duty which meant she deserved the respect of her position, he had to remind himself of that. If that was how she wanted to play it so be it. He stopped, removed his cap, turned to face her and stood to attention, his eyes focused on the wall behind her. 'Sorry, ma'am, I apologise for my disrespectful behaviour. May I be dismissed, ma'am.'

'Jeff, stop, please,' she stood before him, her head lifted so she could meet his eyes.

'Stop what, ma'am? I believe I'm following your orders to remain.' His determination to play the perfect soldier almost crumpled at the half gasp, half sob that she made but he kept his eyes forward.

'Very well,' she lowered her head for a moment before slowly pacing before him. When she lifted her head he could feel the authority emanating from Commander Shepard, N7 Marine, Spectre, and damn if it didn't turn him on. 'Lieutenant, you are the best pilot the Alliance has and yes you are on a state of the art warship and that is precisely the reason I order you to stay out of sight and wait. You and this ship are my only chance of seeing this thing through, of succeeding purely because you are good at your job and this ship is the only ship that can get me where I need to go safely. I know you'll be here waiting for me, my safe haven amid the chaos and I trust you to have my back. That is your job and you do it above and beyond the call of duty. What would have happened to me, to this war if you'd got caught in that explosion?'

'Permission to speak freely ma'am,' Joker was fighting the trembling in his legs and the urge to ravish the woman before him but he needed to see this through.

'Of course, always,' she sighed and stopped pacing.

'How can I have your back if you prevent me from doing my job. If you are being bombarded from space isn't it my job to distract or disarm the enemy. If you are pinned down and I can help by bombarding the hot zone, isn't that what I'm supposed to do. Aren't you trained to use every resource you have to get the job done, isn't it good strategy to take the enemy by surprise, to use your strengths against them. You even said it, "using your best assets to achieve the smartest results"' He lowered his eyes to meet hers and was almost floored by the pride looking back at him. 'You can't win this war with caution and you can't do your job by holding back your best assets. If this was any other ship and any other pilot would you make the same decisions?'

'You're right.'

'I am?' He gaped at her and she chuckled.

'Yes, Lieutenant, I have let my personal fears control my actions and its only right that you take me to task for it.'

'Damn that's hot,' Joker groaned and she yelped as he stepped forward and claimed her lips, his hands grasping her head softly, his fingers winding through her hair.

Joker spun them around, backing her up against the fish tank as his tongue found hers and her hands slid around his back. It felt like forever since they'd done something this spontaneous and he missed it. She moaned softly and he guessed she had too.

'I don't believe I dismissed you, Lieutenant,' she gasped as they came up for air.

'No, ma'am,' he whispered as he kissed his way along her jaw and down her neck, cursing softly when he came up against her armour. 'Told you I wasn't good at following orders and we need to get you out of this damn armour.' He growled and she laughed.

'Jeff,' she pulled back and he reluctantly did the same. 'I'm sorry, I was afraid of losing you. I wanted to keep you safe, to make sure you would always be there for me to come back to, I was selfish. It has nothing to do with your disease or lack of trust and you know that.'

'I know,' he sighed and dropped his forehead on to hers. 'I was just angry and hurt and frustrated and I can't help it if my personal demons take over.'

'And Steve will never be the pilot you are,' she grinned and he smirked.

'No-one will ever be the pilot I am, I'm one of a kind.' He lowered his head and went back to kissing her neck.

'Definitely unique,' she gasped as he found a sensitive spot.

'And skilled,' he unlatched the clips on her chest plate and his hands found her breasts as it dropped to the floor. 'Don't forget that,' he grinned and she moaned as his hands slid lower and gripped her hips, pulling her gently forward so her backplate fell to the floor.

He ran his hands up her back and slowly lowered the zip on her undersuit, rolling it down and following it with his lips. She was sweaty and he loved the taste of her. He felt her struggling with her gloves and arm plates and he grinned against the curve of her breast as he lifted her bra, she definitely made the standard issue sports bra seem erotic, and found a nipple.

'I'm damn sexy too,' he murmured as his tongue drew circles around the pebbled skin.

'Sexy as hell,' she moaned as he sucked her in.

She finally dropped her gloves and pulled her arms from the sleeves of her suit. Joker chuckled as he lifted her bra over her head, quickly returning to her breast, running his fingers around the curve and tweaking the nipples between his finger and thumb.

'I have magic hands,' he met her gaze and the longing in her eyes turned him on even more.

He claimed her lips again before she could respond, he wanted her like it was the first time, like he'd never had her before. He felt her hands under his shirt and he moaned softly, her touch was like fire and ice, it burned but he shivered. He lifted his arms as she almost tore his shirt away and the feel of her breasts against his chest was enough to make him groan in ecstasy.

'I love your hands,' she whispered as she kissed her way down his chest.

His need was driving him now and he gripped her shoulders and urged her towards the bed. She willingly let him push her until her legs met the bed and she fell onto her back. Joker was quickly on the bed beside her, his fingers running across her shoulders and down across her breasts, his lips following as his hands found the clips to her greaves and removed them, never stopping his light kissing of her abdomen.

'I have an amazing tongue,' he grinned as she chuckled then shivered as he pulled her under suit over her hips, still following with his lips. His hands continued to work on her boots and armour, eventually she lay naked before him and he kissed his way back up her legs.

'Jeff, I need a shower,' she placed a hand on his head.

'Why waste water, you'll need another one soon, and you forgot to praise my tongue.' He curled his lips around the most intimate part of her and his tongue worked its magic as her hips lifted off the bed and she moaned in delight. He loved the scent of her, it was primal and it made his arousal stronger, almost to the point of pain.

'Oh god, your tongue is amazing,' she gasped as he slipped his fingers into her wetness.

'I'm good at multitasking too,' he kissed and sucked and his fingers gently caressed and rubbed until she cried out and he felt her release.

He quickly kicked off his boots, keeping his lips occupied with working his way up her body as his hands removed his trousers and boxers. He concentrated on her breasts as he positioned himself between her thighs, the feel of her heat as his erection met her wetness made his need urgent and he slipped into her.

'Fuck,' he whispered, his lips pausing in their adoration of her nipples and she giggled.

'So much for multitasking,' she lifted his head and kissed him deeply as he slowly began to move inside her.

'But you love my joystick,' he gasped as she wrapped her legs around him and pulled him in gently, always careful not to hurt him or cause pressure in the wrong places.

'Oh yes,' she moaned as he gripped her shoulders and picked up the pace.

'Fuck, Ari,' he gasped as he felt her tighten around him and he lost all control, their cries of pleasure echoing around the room.

Joker's heart was still pounding and his breath laboured as he slid sideways and rolled onto his back, keeping his grip on Shepard so she followed him.

'Should I consider myself disciplined, ma'am,' he grinned as she slapped him playfully on the chest.

'For now, but we might need to instigate regular disciplinary hearings, just to make sure you behave, Lieutenant.'

'Yes, ma'am.'

'I'm sorry Jeff, I just wanted to keep you safe. I guess I needed to know you'd still be waiting for me and I took it too far.' She raised her head and met his eyes. 'I couldn't stand it if I lost you, you're everything to me. I love you.'

'I love you too, and I know how it feels to lose someone you care about,' he grimaced at the thought but her fingers on his jaw made him turn to face her. 'Trust me, Ari, I have no intention of deliberately putting myself or the ship in danger. I have too much to live for. But you have to let me do my job. It's not easy for me to watch you leave, every mission has its dangers and could kill you, and I have to sit and watch you walk away. We're both soldiers, we know the risks but we are trained to deal with them.'

'I guess,' she sighed and kissed his chest as she snuggled closer. 'It was damn good flying by the way.'

'Of course it was,' he chuckled as he felt her eyes roll. 'I am the best pilot after all.'

'Commander.'

'Yes EDI,' Shepard drew circles on Joker's chest as she spoke and he shivered.

'Admiral Hackett has asked that you speak with him.'

'I'll be there in ten minutes,' she leaned up and kissed Joker tenderly, 'guess I can have that shower now.'

'I could join you,' he raised his eyebrows at her.

'Then I'd never get to the Admiral.'

'Guess I need more disciplinary action,' he chuckled and she shook her head.

'You're incorrigible, you're lucky I love you.' With that she slid off the bed and headed for the shower.


	58. Chapter 58

**** 58 ****

Backwards. They were headed back to the Citadel. Apparently Hackett had a lead for them to follow up. Something that might help them win this war. Backwards and forwards, it was becoming their regular pattern. Still, anything that helped take down the Reapers had to be worth it.

When Liara had discovered plans for a weapon on Mars Joker had been sceptical. He'd seen the blueprints and wondered if they had the time they needed to build it. He became even more doubtful when the Council had refused to help. Now they were building it and even though he tried to be optimistic he couldn't shake the feeling that they were running out of time and resources. It also seemed a little too convenient to him, finding it at just the right time. But it needed to happen. He knew that unless something was done the full weight of this war would bury Shepard and he couldn't let that happen. So, as much as he hated the backwards and forwards he was happy to oblige for even the slightest chance to lift some of the burden off the woman he loved.

The opportunity to restock was too good to miss. Not only did Shepard have to follow up a lead she had other tasks to complete. Chakwas had asked her to help out with some medical supplies a Turian was holding, Kaidan had asked if she could come see him to talk about his Spectre opportunity and she had a few more bits of intel to deliver. Even when she wasn't on the ship she was busy and Joker was concerned that it was going to become too much. He used the short stop to do some shopping of his own with the intention of making her relax. He was just returning to the ship when EDI rushed past him and called an air car. He slipped into his seat and opened a com channel.

'EDI, what's going on?'

'Shepard has been involved in a shooting.'

'Is she okay,' he was half out of his seat, ready to leave if he had to.

'Yes, she is not the one shot. Dr Bryson has been shot by his assistant,' she informed him and he heard the door of the air car open. 'I will inform you if Shepard needs assistance.'

Joker was a little surprised that EDI was the one going to assist Shepard. He knew she still had moments when she found it hard to deal with EDI, but she was getting better. Satisfied that all was well he left his earpiece in, listening in on Shepard, and went to stow his purchases. From the conversation between EDI and Shepard he gathered that Dr Bryson had discovered something, a rogue Reaper. Was that even possible? He preferred his Reapers predictable. He also preferred the other option, maybe the race that created the Reapers, surely they would want to help destroy the objects of their own demise. He was just grabbing a coffee when Garrus entered the mess and dropped onto a seat.

'Everything okay, Garrus?' Joker sat across from him, 'can I get you something?'

'No thanks,' Garrus sighed and shook his head. 'I've been meaning to come up and visit but with the Primarch wanting my help, calibrating the guns and going on missions there hasn't been much time.'

'Yeah, it's one thing after another,' Joker sipped his coffee. 'How are things on Palaven?'

'Probably about the same as they are on Earth. Not good.'

'Last time I spoke to Anderson he was exhausted, but they're still fighting.'

'If anyone can get his people through its Anderson,' Garrus nodded. 'I heard about your mother, I'm sorry Joker, it's a hard way to lose someone.'

'Have you heard from your family?' Joker realised the pain was less, still there but not like a knife to the heart.

'Not yet, but dad's pretty inventive so I'm sure he'll have them safe somewhere.'

'What the fuck!' Joker suddenly went wide eyed and Garrus was half out of his seat before Joker waved him down. He fiddled with his omnitool and Shepard's voice boomed around them.

'Balak, the Reapers killed your people, not me,' she was speaking calmly but Joker could sense the concern in her voice.

'You destroyed Aratoht, you killed thousands!'

Joker knew that voice. Balak, the batarian who had tried to destroy Terra Nova with an asteroid. What was he doing on the Citadel? Where were they?

'EDI, where is Shepard and can we get a feed from a camera?' Joker looked at the ceiling.

He didn't have to ask twice as the image of Shepard being held at gunpoint appeared on the monitor in the mess hall. He knew she was unarmed and she was alone. Garrus was on his feet but there was no way he could make it to Shepard before Balak pulled the trigger.

'I destroyed the relay to stop the Reapers, your people would have died at their hands anyway, you know that.' Shepard stood perfectly still.

'You sent that asteroid into the relay!' Balak was shouting and Joker wondered why no-one had come to find out what was going on. 'You'd be dead too if that stupid pilot hadn't got in the way. That bullet was meant for you.'

 _Crap!_ Joker saw the change in Shepard's demeanour and knew Balak had just said the wrong thing. He'd hurt someone she cared about and you just didn't do that without expecting consequences. Beside him he heard Garrus mutter something in turian that his translator didn't recognise.

'That was you,' she spoke softly but the underlying threat was there and Balak must have sensed it because he started backing away.

'Going somewhere, pendejo?' James was behind him, his pistol aimed at his head.

Balak had nowhere to go and lowered his gun in defeat. Shepard stepped up so she was in his face.

'You have killed innocent humans here on the Citadel by turning off life support machines, forced ships to crash and you almost killed my husband.' Joker could see the fear in all four of his eyes.

'I did it for my people, Shepard. I am the only military officer left, my race is dying and I wanted to help them.' He dropped his head, he was consigned to his fate.

Joker was sure Balak was dead, Shepard wasn't one for letting someone go when they'd hurt one of her own. If he was honest he wanted to put a bullet in his head, he'd tried to kill Shepard. He could understand how she felt, why she would want revenge. Yet it somehow seemed trivial. Entire worlds were being destroyed, races wiped out and the galaxy might never recover. Balak was only doing what they were, trying to save his people. Admittedly his ways were dangerous to everyone else but he was a batarian, it was the nature of his race, what was left of them.

'Leave,' Shepard hissed at the batarian who snapped his head up so fast Joker thought he'd break his own neck. 'If I ever see you again I won't be so lenient but there are already too many people dead.'

'Why?' Balak was confused and from the look on James' face so was he.

'We're at war, Balak. Your people need you to survive, that's the only reason I'm letting you walk away.' Joker could see she was angry with herself but he was so proud of her his heart was about to explode.

'Thank you, Shepard,' Balak nodded and turned to leave then stopped. 'We have a few ships remaining from the batarian fleet, I'll make sure they go where they're needed.' He turned and left.

'Are you okay, Shepard?' James and a C-Sec officer asked at the same time but Shepard only nodded, her eyes still following Balak.

'Was that our culprit?' The officer asked, 'do you want me to arrest him?'

'I want you to put a bullet in his head,' Shepard said angrily then sighed,' but we're all making sacrifices today.' She turned to the officer, 'no, let him go, Spectre authority.'

The officer nodded and left. James frowned at Shepard but she simply rested her hand on his shoulder.

'Thanks, James, I'm fine. I'm headed back to the Normandy.' She started to walk away and glanced up in surprise when James fell into place alongside her. She grinned and shook her head at his shrug but Joker was extremely thankful that she wasn't alone.

'Well that was unexpected,' Garrus chuckled and Joker nodded in agreement.

'She never ceases to surprise us.' He finished his cold coffee and was still shaking his head in amusement as he headed for the CIC. His wife was an amazing woman and he was the luckiest bastard in the galaxy.

* * *

Joker's heart was racing. Once again they were on Tuchanka, this time Mordin's cure was ready, a step forward for a change. He loved Shepard dearly but sometimes he was sure she was crazy. That was the only explanation for wanting to use the biggest Thresher Maw in existence to kill a Reaper. Crazy really wasn't an adequate word. He'd watched her and her team dash towards the deadly red beam, as rubble and debris fell around them, his breath stuck in his throat as he waited for the vision to clear. He was thankful when the turians volunteered to create a distraction and he would have gladly done the same but he had his orders and this time he obeyed them. As much as he wanted to knock the Reaper into the next universe the ground team was just too close. Any attempt by the Normandy could result in them being hurt. So he watched and waited.

'Keep them off me, I'll get to the hammers.' Shepard yelled orders to Garrus and James as she dashed headlong towards the brutes the Reaper had dropped.

Yep, definitely crazy. He heard Garrus mutter something under his breath but he was too focused on Shepard to worry about it. He was thankful he didn't suffer motion sickness as she ducked, weaved and sidestepped through the brutes standing in her way. Just as he thought she was clear a Reaper leg dropped into her path. He almost yelled in panic as she slid to a stop and sighed in relief when it disappeared and she reached the first of the two hammers. One down, one to go.

If he'd been concerned before he was doubly so now. As she began her run to the other hammer his heart was pounding in his ears, she had to run a gauntlet of brutes and Garrus and James could only do so much. He wanted to yell at her, to tell her to stop, to come up with a better idea. He wanted to go in and pull her out, save her from herself. He fought down panic, trusting that she would come out of this alive. Once again the Reaper dropped its leg in her way.

'You need to activate the second hammer, Shepard,' Wrex yelled into the com.

'There's a Reaper in my way, Wrex!'

'Yeah, you get all the fun,' Wrex was chuckling and Joker really wanted to strangle him, no matter how many bones he broke.

The second hammer dropped and just when he thought things would quieten down Shepard almost lost her footing as the ground beneath her shook. She turned and he watched with in amazement as Kalros wrapped itself around the Reaper. Unfortunately that meant its deadly beam went wild and Shepard had to duck behind cover hurriedly. He watched in horror as she waved Garrus and James back to safety and headed to the Shroud alone. _What the fuck!_ She was stubborn and insane and he was going to tell her so.

His knuckles were white on the arms of his chair as he watched her run across the debris. Behind her Kalros dragged the Reaper down, the sands of Tuchanka burying them both. The silence was deafening. His ears were ringing and it took a moment for the quiet to register. When it did he realised that Shepard was inside the Shroud where Mordin was already at work.

The minute Mordin said he had to go to the top of the structure Joker felt dread wash over him. It was coming down around them and he knew Shepard wouldn't let Mordin go alone. But Mordin knew her well and refused to let her waste her life for him. Joker could have kissed him but his heart was breaking for Shepard as she stood and watched someone she'd come to care about sacrifice himself. She stood bowed over a console, her fists clenched and her breathing heavy.

'Babe, you need to get out of there,' he spoke softly through her private channel.

As if to emphasise his words a large chunk of the ceiling crashed down behind her.

'Mordin,' she whispered, still not moving and he could hear the pain in her voice.

'Knows what he's doing,' Joker reminded her, 'don't let his sacrifice be in vain. He would not want you to die because of him.' He was getting ready to alert Garrus to her situation when she moved and dashed out of the building. He'd never felt so relieved in his life.

She was no sooner outside than the building exploded above her and pieces started hitting the ground. But Mordin had done what he promised. Shepard stopped, turned and looked up to where explosions were tearing the Shroud apart, but it held long enough to disperse the cure Mordin had given his life for. He watched with regret as Shepard held out her hand and collected the snow like flakes that floated across the surface of the planet. This was going to be hard on her, another member of her family was gone, another victim of the Reapers that she would make them pay for. Damnit, even he felt the tears burning, the salarian had wormed his way into all of their hearts and he would be sorely missed.

Joker was glad she wasn't alone right now as Wrex, Eve, Garrus and James all moved to stand beside her. They stood in silent reverence as the enormity of what they'd done became clear. Over one thousand years of krogan history had just been changed. It was changed by a salarian who was willing to sacrifice himself for a race who hated his kind, by a turian who fought side by side with a krogan and by humans who brought them all together. With this kind of determination and strength the Reapers didn't stand a chance.

* * *

Joker was making sure they were safe in their orbit when he heard familiar footsteps behind him and he was instantly concerned, he'd planned to meet her in their quarters, allowing her time for a shower. He spun his chair to face his wife, she was pale, shaking and hadn't removed her armour undersuit. That was enough to let him know she was suffering, not that he needed proof, he knew Mordin's death would be painful. He pushed himself out of his chair and pulled her into his arms, ignoring the surprised glances of the crew. She sagged against him and he knew she was fighting back tears, burying her grief.

'EDI, take the helm,' he didn't wait for a response as he led Shepard towards the elevator, not releasing his hold as she hung on to him.

He nodded at Traynor as she raised an eyebrow questioningly. He shook his head at Garrus who stepped out of the elevator. Shepard didn't once look up and that worried him. When they reached their cabin he sat on the sofa, pulled her onto his lap and held her close. Neither had said a word, it wasn't necessary. Joker rubbed her back as he felt the first tremor pass through her. He kissed her hair as she fought back a sob and wrapped her in his embrace as her tears finally fell. He rocked her gently as she released her grief and eventually slept in his arms. Carefully he slid her down onto the sofa until her head was resting in his lap, covered her with a blanket and made himself comfortable. He had no intention of leaving her alone so he dropped his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes.

He awoke some time later to the feel of warm hands on his skin, fingers drew slow circles on his lower back, soft lips pressed gentle kisses on his stomach. He thought about keeping his eyes closed and just enjoying the moment but a chuckle made him realise it was already too late for that, his body had already given him away, especially as she still had her head in his lap. He opened his eyes and looked down at the woman he loved more than life itself.

'Hey you,' she grinned at him.

'Hey yourself,' he brushed a lock of hair from her face and his fingers traced the line of her jaw. 'Are you okay?'

'I have to be,' she sighed and he frowned at her.

'No, you don't, not here, not with me,' he watched her as she sat up and manoeuvred herself so she was lying on his chest. He wrapped her in his arms and rested his chin on her head, giving her the time she needed to voice her thoughts.

'No, I'm not all right,' she paused and he knew she still found it hard to admit to doubt and fear. 'How many more do we have to lose? How much longer do we have to take two steps sideways to take one step forward? Why do we bother when others don't seem to care unless it benefits them?' She took a deep breath, 'I miss him, Jeff. He gave his life willingly to save those who can't see past their own hates. He was a brave, caring man and the world is a darker place without him.'

'I know,' he kissed the top of her head. 'You know, he once woke me up in the middle of the night to ask how many livers humans had,' he chuckled as he remembered how he'd woken up to find Mordin checking out his elbow, he was still sure he'd stuck a probe in there. 'He wanted to find a cure for Vroliks, he said I deserved it.' Tears stung as he realised just how much he'd come to like the salarian.

'We have to make sure his sacrifice was worth it, make his legacy count.' She sat up and met his eyes, 'everyone who has helped us get to this point needs to be remembered when the medals are being handed out.'

'We can do that,' he pulled her in for a kiss, lingering as he savoured the taste of her, the feel of her. He wanted to hold her here forever, stop the fear that churned in his stomach at the thought of what was to come. He wished they could walk away and forget everything and everyone. He knew they never would because it wasn't in either of their natures to do so.

'Guess we'd better get back to work,' she pulled away reluctantly. 'Someone has to save the galaxy and it looks like it's us.'

'Because we do it with so much style,' Joker quipped and she chuckled. 'There must be someone else who need their history sorting out, you know, or something blowing up, or someone rescuing.'

'Speaking of,' she stood up and helped him to his feet, 'we have a turian platoon to save.'

'Of course we do,' he rolled his eyes at her. 'Your chariot awaits my lady,' he gave her a low bow and waved her ahead of him, quickly reaching out to grab her ass as she walked past.

He almost fell forward as she jumped out of the way, turning to laugh at him as he stared at her wide eyed. She pulled her finger through the air with a grin and he sighed in acceptance as she wiggled her eyebrows at him before leading the way to the elevator, both of them chuckling, allowing themselves a moment of pleasure before reality hit.


	59. Chapter 59

**** 59 ****

'Damnit!'

Joker turned as Shepard stormed onto the bridge. To say she was angry was an understatement. They'd only parted a short time ago and he thought she was getting ready to go groundside.

'What's wrong?' He frowned as she paced the small space behind his chair.

'Udina, I knew he was a slimy bastard,' she stopped pacing and looked at him. 'Valern just contacted me to let me know about some suspicious behaviour, he's concerned about the Human Councillors actions. He wants us to go to the Citadel.'

'Should I set a course?' He watched her as she thought about their options.

'No, not yet. We have to rescue this turian Platoon, they might not have time for us to get there and back.' She turned to walk away but stopped and moved to give him a kiss on the cheek, 'make sure we're ready to leave as soon as we're back on board.'

It wasn't long before Shepard was on the ground fighting her way through Reaper troops. His heart skipped a beat as the team faced off against Brutes and a harvester, he couldn't help the way his guts churned every time Shepard faced down one of those monsters. Yet he was so proud of her. Watching her interact with Garrus and James was like watching a choreographed performance. Garrus was used to her fighting style but it had taken a few missions before James automatically fell into place, now it was as if he belonged there.

'Jeff, I have a question.' EDI pulled his attention away from the ground feed.

'Is this one of those deep, I need to be careful how I answer so it's probably better to wait and ask Shepard questions?'

'No,' she chuckled and Joker gaped at her, 'your thoughts will be adequate for my needs.'

'Did you just chuckle?' Joker was still staring at her wide eyed.

'I have adjusted my personality parameters to allow for more interaction with the crew, I have found that humour and the associated bodily responses, such as a chuckle, helps the crew to relax around me.' She glanced at him, 'should I not attempt to have the crew relax when interacting with me?'

'No, I mean yes you should help the crew relax.' She was learning and growing faster than he'd thought Joker realised. 'I'm a bit confused, you never seem to get my jokes. Do you understand humour, how it feels to laugh?'

'I understand the concept and the results in the human body. Laughter causes the human brain to release endorphins which helps the body to relax and may reduce pain, it can help to boost the immune system, it improves blood flow and can reduce the possibility of heart attacks. It also helps to bring humans together when laughter is shared.' She paused for a moment as if to catch her breath and Joker was acutely aware of the empathy of her action. 'If you are asking whether I truly understand the emotional aspect of humour then no I do not, yet.'

'So, does this mean you'll laugh at my jokes now?'

'Perhaps, when they are funny,' she shrugged and he knew she was playing with him. 'Will you answer my question now?'

'Okay, but if this is one of those questions and you go off and change something and it doesn't work, don't blame me.'

'Do not worry, Jeff, I will only blame you if I feel the urge to start singing Daisy Bell.' Joker almost choked on his breath but EDI simply sat in her chair and kept working. If he hadn't been so surprised he would have found it funny. 'My question is, does the Alliance normally allow married couples to serve on the same ship?'

'Ah, no, not normally. But this isn't a normal Alliance vessel, this is the Normandy, Commander Shepard is in command and I'm her pilot, not to mention there's a war on so the brass, what's left of them, can't afford to be sticklers for the rules. Besides, if they'd tried to separate us Shepard would have given them hell after the six months they kept us apart.'

'Then when this war is over there is the high probability that you will be separated.'

'If it's ever over or if we survive they can try,' he heard the doubt in his voice and hated himself for it. 'What made you ask anyway?'

'I have noticed speculation among the crew about the relationship between you and Commander Shepard. Many of the crew do not know you are married. There has been conversation about where you sleep, why the two of you spend so much time together. It seems there is some jealousy about her affection for you.'

'Let me guess,' Joker scoffed, 'young males who think they stand a chance at getting into her pants.' He was surprised at how much that bothered him.

'Yes, based on human hormonal behaviour I assumed this was normal.'

'Yep,' Joker glanced up at the ground feed to check the team status as he added, 'pretty much every male on this ship, apart from Steve, would gladly suffer the fires of hell to have one night with her.'

'Would it not be better to inform the crew of your marital status, to prevent the crew wasting time on idle speculation?'

'Nah,' he chuckled as he ran through a series of system checks and scans, 'let them have their fantasies, I know she's mine. It's also a morale booster, gives them something to think about other than the war.'

'So using Commander Shepard as a sexual object to boost morale does not bother you or her?'

'Me, no, certainly boosted my morale before we got together. As for Shepard, I'm sure she's used to it.' He frowned as she almost glared at him. 'What?'

'Your biological readings indicate you are lying.'

'My … okay, maybe I don't like the idea of other men fantasising about my wife, it's not like I can stop it.' He turned to face her, 'how did we end up on this topic anyway? You wanted to know about married couples serving on the same ship.'

'You are correct. Perhaps there are reasons for the fraternisation regulations. Can Shepard do her job effectively if she is worried about one person in particular? Are the crew correct to be concerned?'

'See, this is why I don't answer these questions,' Joker threw his hands up and groaned. 'Shepard will always do her job, her crew and ship always come first, she's already proved that by dying for us. It's who she is, it's what she does. I thought you would know that by now.'

'I do know that, Jeff, but most of the crew does not.' She made a sound like a sigh and Joker was beginning to think she'd been spending time with Dr Chakwas. 'Many of these crew members have never been on a ship like the Normandy, never had a Commander who truly cares about their welfare before her own. Some of the crew have never left Earth before and they are scared. Perhaps presenting the Commander as human by advising them of your relationship status might help them to understand that she is fighting for her future just as she is theirs, that she has a personal stake in all of this and is not just a hero on a poster somewhere. It might help them if they know she has a reason to live, to survive and that she will keep them alive also.'

'When did you become a shrink?' Joker shook his head but his next words were stopped by Shepard.

'Damnit! Joker, belay the course to the Citadel, seems we have a bomb to diffuse, a big one. We're on our way back.'

'Roger that,' Joker prepared to open the bay doors. 'Maybe you should talk to Shepard about all this,' Joker glanced at EDI.

'Of course, Jeff.'

* * *

So here they were again, reading from the Cerberus manual on how to be an insane idiot. Joker just didn't get it. Okay, it was the turians fault that there was a planet buster bomb just waiting to be found, but that didn't excuse stupidity. What did the Illusive Man hope to gain by destroying Tuchanka and along with it ground troops for Earth. What was the point of trying to start a war between the turians and krogans? Putting humanity first had been their mandate, but now it seemed like TIM was intent on making sure they didn't survive. It was like he was working for the Reapers.

Joker gaped at the thought then quickly closed his mouth as he realised he'd look like an idiot. Was it possible? He thought back over the missions, the amount of Reaper tech Cerberus had collected and studied, and that was just what he knew of. TIM had been obsessed with finding the stuff, with wanting to study them. He'd wanted Shepard to keep the Collector base intact, was that him or the Reapers talking. Everything seemed to click into place. It would explain so much but it made him a much greater threat. How far would he go, how far would the Reapers let him go? Joker wondered if Shepard thought the same way he did, she had to, she was the brains of this outfit. Surely she had to have at least thought about it.

'Lieutenant, what are you doing?' Shepard's yell dragged him out of his thoughts and back to the ground feed.

He looked up to see Lieutenant Victus clambering up the bomb structure and only minutes later falling to his death as he released the trigger mechanism.

'Shit!' Shepard cursed and Joker knew she'd feel the loss of the young turian who was trying to fix his people's mistake. 'We're done here, Joker.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he began his pre-flight checks and laid in a course for the Citadel.

Joker was almost convinced that he was imagining things about the Illusive Man. Surely he'd take precautions, he was the boss of a group with possibly more clout than the Alliance. Surely he wouldn't risk losing all that to Reaper control. Joker had read the reports on indoctrination theory, he wanted to know what, if anything, he needed to look for in people around him. It hadn't told him much, it seemed that those in the know didn't really know enough.

'Get us to the Citadel, Joker,' Shepard ordered as she rode the elevator to their cabin.

'Roger, that,' he set them in motion, his thoughts still mired in the possibilities of Reaper control.

He glanced up at the mass relay in the distance. It was Reaper tech, the Citadel was Reaper tech. He spared a quick look over at EDI, she was Reaper tech which meant that the Normandy had Reaper tech incorporated into her build. It was everywhere. He realised that they were surrounded by the very thing they were aiming to destroy. Would they be able to destroy it, would it let them? Where they all slowly being taken over, every time they passed through a mass relay, whenever they stepped onto the Citadel?

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. No, it wasn't happening, not to them anyway. He didn't want to bow down and pray to giant squid, or was it cuttlefish, gods. He wanted them gone, destroyed. But what if the Illusive Man didn't? Where did that leave humanity? Could they survive being attacked from the inside when everything they had was being thrown at the Reapers. He certainly hoped so because he had a reason to live and he had every intention of surviving and making sure Shepard did too.

He thought about the Crucible. What did it actually do? They were building this thing with no knowledge of how it worked. Resources and people were being drawn away from the war to create something that had become their only hope. He'd always thought of humanity as a strong, capable race, yes they had their dark side, what race didn't. Humans had always used their imagination to come up with possibilities and their intelligence to make them real. Suddenly they were relying on plans from ancient civilisations, under attack from Reapers at the time of them being designed. What if the Crucible was the last link in the chain of control? What if when they fired the thing they all became husks or they all died? He groaned inwardly, why were his thoughts so morbid today? Maybe the stress and tiredness was getting to him.

Joker pushed aside his chaotic thoughts and concentrated on getting them through the relay safely. It wasn't long before they were in the Widow Nebula heading for the Citadel. His thoughts once more wandered to the Illusive Man and his seemingly maniacal thirst for Reaper tech. There had to be some part of him that still wanted to save humanity, to drive the Reapers out. Didn't there?


	60. Chapter 60

**** 60 ****

Something was wrong.

'Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy, requesting a vector and a berth. Are we clear to descend?' Joker repeated his request for the third time.

'What's going on Joker?' Shepard came up behind him and he glanced at her and shrugged.

'No-one's answering,' he checked the com channels and heard nothing but static so he began a random search of the communication network. 'Even if something had happened they'd have backups on line. It's like they're not there.' His hands never stopped moving as he placed them in a holding orbit. 'I've got a bad feeling about this.'

Joker continued his network scans but it was just white noise. He jumped as a signal suddenly became clear. He sighed in relief as he listened to the voice on the other end then frowned as he looked up at Shepard.

'It's Thane, you'd better hear this,' he opened up the channel but the signal was broken and noisy.

Joker shook his head in disbelief as Thane explained quickly what was happening. Cerberus. Again. Any doubt he had about the Illusive Man's sanity was gone, he was definitely insane. He could hear the concern as Shepard asked about Thane and Kaidan, if they were safe. The tension in her voice was obvious, to him anyway, and he could feel the anger radiating off her. He'd hate to be on the receiving end of that and he wondered if the Cerberus soldiers knew what they'd unleashed. Thane's signal died and Shepard cursed softly.

'Get us away from the docks, Joker,' she placed her hand on his shoulder and leaned in for the ritual kiss on his cheek. 'We'll take the shuttle in.'

'Commander,' Joker turned his chair as she went to walk away and she stopped as he stood up and reached for her hand. 'Ari,' he spoke softly so the crew wouldn't hear him, 'please be careful.'

She gave him a soft smile and nodded before gently squeezing his fingers and leaving the bridge. Joker watched her go. Cerberus had a collection order out for her, the Illusive Man wanted her back under his control, he believed she was his property. Liara had told them both about it a couple of days earlier, but with his recent thoughts about the sanity of the Illusive Man Joker had a feeling that it was the Reapers that wanted Shepard out of the way. Once again his guts were churning as he slipped back into his seat and watched the shuttle leave. He was pretty sure he'd have an ulcer, or worse, by the time this was over.

He worked at clearing the static that hissed in his ear but whatever was jamming the signal was too strong, too well encrypted. The feed from the ground team was blocked and that scared him, he needed to see or at least hear what was going on. A beep on his console informed him the shuttle was back and secured.

'EDI, can we do something from here, maybe clear the communication network?'

'My cyber warfare systems are already working on the problem,' she was motionless in her seat and he assumed she was using all her processing power elsewhere. 'Cerberus has upgraded their encryptions, it is proving difficult.'

'You can do it,' he attempted to run an external radar scan but it bounced back. So, not just communications were being jammed.

'The source of the jamming is not located on the Citadel,' EDI informed him. 'It is being routed through a com buoy somewhere in the nebula.'

'Shit, we have to go in there?' Joker already had them in motion, it was something to keep him occupied and his thoughts on more than Shepard and her team being out of contact and under attack.

'I have found it,' EDI brought up the nav point on his screen.

Joker cursed softly. It was deep in the nebula where navigation was a problem so he'd have to go slow.  It was believed the nebula was made up of debris and waste from the Citadel, it didn't dissipate like other nebula. Ships didn't go in, it was considered dangerous because of the electrical discharges that could rip right through kinetic barriers and moving fast would blast the surface plating off a ship. Those ships that had gone in were often lost.

If there was a com buoy out here it wasn't on the network map, which meant someone had placed it recently. He was suitably impressed, with the environmental conditions and the number of sweeps regularly carried out by the Citadel defence force it must have high level shielding and security systems. For it to work from out here it had to be the latest tech. He wasn't happy about entering the nebula but getting communications back would be a big help.

'Can you hack it?' Joker asked as he moved them through a less dense cloud of gas and dust. This was going to play havoc with the Normandy's systems and he set up an automatic purge of the environment filters.

'I believe …..'

'Fuck!' Joker ripped out his earpiece as a high pitched squeal roared through it. Behind him he heard curses and guessed his ears weren't the only ones ringing. 'EDI, what's going on?'

He glanced over worriedly when she didn't respond to find her sitting perfectly still. He looked up at the blinking red dot on his screen and altered their course. For a fleeting moment he was afraid that EDI had been hacked, that he was about to lose control of the ship but suddenly she was back.

'I have control,' she sounded like she was gritting her teeth and Joker could only guess at the amount of processing power she was using. 'I do not know how long I can stop the signal, I suggest we destroy it.'

'Getting there,' Joker put his ear piece back in, brought up the targeting system and closed in on the buoy. He was almost in range when the nav point disappeared then suddenly reappeared several kilometres to starboard. 'What the fuck!'

'I have detected three com buoys,' EDI informed him. 'We will need to destroy them all.

'That's just great,' Joker cursed and relied on his own eyes to locate the buoy ahead of them. Taking a guess at where he thought it should be he fired into the cloud of dust obscuring his view. He jumped as EDI flinched beside him, 'are you okay?'

'Yes, the buoy is destroyed.'

'One down,' Joker adjusted their course to starboard where the nebula thickened and the sensors threw out false readings. 'EDI, give me the signal strength, location and time to weapons range before this thing disappears.'

EDI rattled of the numbers and Joker hurriedly did the math. There was no way the targeting scanners could lock on through the dust and gas and once the signal disappeared, as he guessed it would, they would never find the damn buoy. This was old school flying, calculating the trajectory, distance and speed and hoping like hell you got it right. He sucked in a breath and fired. He'd always said he was the best pilot in the Alliance, that he was good at his job and it was moments like this that he proved it. EDI flinched beside him and he couldn't help but grin as a red dot appeared to port on the scanner.

'Jeff, there are ….'

Joker jumped as EDI jerked in her seat, if she'd been human he would have said she was having a seizure. Suddenly the body went limp and fell sideways in the chair.

'EDI?' Joker had already adjusted their course but the nebula was distorting the scanner readings and the buoy kept moving on his screen. 'Damn it, EDI, talk to me.'

The ship felt sluggish under his fingers and he knew if stayed in the nebula much longer it would only get worse. It was like flying through a viscous ocean, one that grabbed at the hull. There was a flash off to starboard and the ship shuddered as the kinetic barriers rippled. Too close.

'Joker, we can't stay in here much longer without overloading the systems,' Adams informed him calmly and Joker was impressed, as usual, by the man's unwavering trust in him. There were no dire warnings or orders to get the hell out and stop risking his ship, simply an update on conditions.

'I've lost EDI,' Joker informed him but it was Traynor who answered.

'Something is causing her to use maximum processing power, I'm registering an outside signal that's attempting to hack our systems.'

'Shit,' Joker was still moving them forward, the dot that indicated the buoy was fuzzy but at least it had stopped moving. He guessed they were getting closer.

Suddenly the gas and dust dissipated enough for him to get a clear lock and he immediately punched the fire button. An explosion registered at the same time as static interspersed with broken conversations echoed around the bridge. He plotted the shortest route back to the Citadel, taking note of the ships appearing on his scanner as EDI sat up in her chair.  The Citadel Defence ships were engaging Cerberus ships, they buzzed around the Citadel like bees on honey.

'Welcome back,' he glanced over at her as his hands worked on the console. 'Are you okay?'

'Yes, there was a cyber-warfare defence system that activated when the first buoy was destroyed. It was necessary to release control of this body to prevent my systems from being taken over. It was … a challenge.'

Joker chuckled and shook his head, he had no doubt that if EDI considered it a challenge it couldn't have been easy. As they cleared the nebula the multiple signals from the Citadel became clear and Joker quickly filtered out the ones he didn't need. He still had no video feed but he could hear Shepard in conversation with Bailey.

'Thane needs medical assistance, now!' She was yelling and Joker could hear the fear in her voice.

'Go, siha, I have time.'

Joker sensed her hesitation, he knew what she would be feeling. If she lost Thane, damn he didn't want to think about it, so soon after Mordin it could break her. There was no jealousy any more about her relationship with Thane, he had helped her to find the inner calm she needed and Joker was thankful for that. The assassin had become a friend and as much as it surprised him Joker found himself liking the quiet spoken Drell.

'I have video feed,' EDI commented as it appeared on his screens.

There was a sudden sense of vertigo and Joker realised that Shepard was hanging out of an air car as it flew through the Citadel. What the hell was she doing?! Then he realised that she was shooting at someone on top of the air car. She had no fear. All it took was one slip and she would plummet to the ground below. His heart was racing and he wondered if he should add a heart attack to the list of possible ailments. He watched in horror as the strangely dressed assailant thrust a sword into the drive core of the air car and it tilted dangerously. Quite calmly he then stepped from the roof of the air car into another that pulled up alongside. Meanwhile Shepard was fighting the pull of the falling car as she dived back inside. Joker held his breath as it hit the ground, almost gasping for air as Shepard and her team stepped out shakily.

'Commander, are you okay?' Joker asked hesitantly.

'Joker?' She sounded surprised.

'Yeah, we took down the Cerberus jamming so you should have coms back.'

'Nice work,' he knew she was grinning, 'Can you get a fix on the Council?'

'Looks like they're heading to a shuttle dock on the Presidium. Kaidan is with them.' Joker flicked through a series of camera feeds. 'Cerberus troops are after them.'

'Shit!' He glanced up to see Shepard rolling out of the way of an Atlas missile. 'Can you get word to Bailey?'

'Roger that,' Joker opened a channel to Bailey and let him know what was happening.

'Joker,' Liara came up behind him, 'can you dock? If we can get in there we can help.'

'EDI, are the docks clear?'

'Yes, it appears Cerberus troops have vacated. Bay D24 is clear.'

'Okay,' Joker approached the docks slowly, half afraid that Cerberus would be waiting for them but everything appeared quiet. The automatic docking systems engaged and Joker powered down the ship to minimal systems, if they needed to leave in a hurry it would be easier to get moving if they weren't completely powered down.

'EDI, I could use your help,' Liara checked her pistol as EDI nodded and stood up.

'Why don't you take Campbell and Westmoreland,' Joker suggested, 'I'm sure they'd appreciate seeing some action.'

'Good idea,' Liara nodded, 'You should probably get a couple of the crew to guard the airlock too.'

'Already on it,' Joker sent orders to the crew, as the ranking officer on board the ship was his responsibility and he wasn't about to take that lightly. 'Be careful ladies,' Joker turned to watch the four of them leave as Steve and another crewman took up positions by the airlock.

'How we doing, Joker?' Steve glanced at the multiple screens Joker had open.

'I think we're winning, it's hard to tell.' Joker shook his head in disbelief. 'What the fuck is the Illusive Man thinking? What does he gain from this?'

'I'm guessing he knows something we don't,' Steve shrugged as Joker glanced back at him.

'Shepard!'

Joker turned back so fast at the terrified yell from James that he was sure he'd broken something. He was just in time to see a Phantom thrust a sword towards Shepard. Normally she'd just duck or weave but she was balanced on the edge of an elevator roof travelling at speed up the shaft. Time stopped as he watched her slowly tilt backwards, as her foot slipped and the sword pierced her armour.

This was it. This was the moment he lost her, again. He couldn't breathe. His heart threatened to explode through his chest wall and he didn't care if it stopped beating. Reality disappeared and all he could see was Shepard falling to her death impaled on a sword. It was a split second of time but to him it was an eternity.

'Gotcha!'

Reality rushed back.  James kicked the phantom over the side of the elevator and grabbed Shepard's hand in one move, pulling her back to safety. Both collapsed in a heap on the roof, their heavy breaths echoed around the bridge as Garrus said exactly what everyone was thinking.

'Too close, Shepard,' he knelt down and helped her to her feet. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah,' Joker could hear the tremor in her voice. 'Sword didn't reach skin,' she picked up her rifle, rolled her neck and squared her shoulders. 'I'm fine.'

Joker's hands were shaking and he gasped for breath. A hand on his shoulder grounded him and he looked up to see Steve looking at him worriedly.

'Are you okay?'

'Yeah,' Joker nodded but the shake in his hands and the tremor in his voice gave him away as a liar.

Steve patted his shoulder gently before moving back to the airlock. The sound of gunfire pulled Joker's focus back to the feed. He was thankful they were back on solid ground at least but he couldn't believe what he was seeing. No-one could be that stupid!

'EDI, can you get me into his com?'

'Of course.'

'Hey Alenko, you're not having another asshole moment are you?'

A twitch of his lips was the only indication Kaidan had heard him but he still had his gun aimed at Shepard. For a moment Joker was afraid the biotic wouldn't get past his own doubts.

'I'd better not regret this,' Kaidan spun on his heel and turned his back on Shepard.

'You won't,' Shepard and Joker spoke in unison.

Suddenly it was over. Udina was dead at Kaidan's hand and Joker knew that would play on his mind for some time. Cerberus had fled. Now they just had to deal with the aftermath. But none of that mattered to Joker. Once he was sure it was safe he powered down the Normandy and left as fast as his legs would carry him. He needed to see Shepard, he needed to know she was okay. The image of her falling from that elevator haunted him, made his heart race and his hands shake. He stepped onto the docks and almost collided with Garrus and James. He looked past them but Shepard wasn't with them.

'She gone to Huerta,' Garrus said softly, 'Thane isn't going to make it.'

'Fuck!' Joker moved to lean on the railing overlooking the Normandy.

'She's okay,' Garrus reassured him.

'She won't be though,' Joker sighed and pulled himself erect. 'Thanks James,' he placed his hand on the marine's shoulder.

'You're not the only one who doesn't want her to die,' James smirked at him and Joker shook his head. 'Hey, what, so I like eye candy.'

'Thanks anyway,' Joker chuckled. 'I need to find her.' With a nod to both of them he made his way off the docks.


	61. Chapter 61

 

 

_If I lay here If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world_

_I don't quite know_   
_How to say how I feel_

_Those three words,_   
_Are said too much_   
_They're not enough_   
_If I lay here_   
_If I just lay here_   
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

_**Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol** _

* * *

**** 61 ****

Everywhere he looked there was chaos and panic. Huerta Memorial was no exception. The casualties from the Cerberus assault added to the already growing number of refugees left little room for manoeuvring. He carefully worked his way through the crowd to the desk.

'I'm looking for Commander Shepard.'

'You and everyone else,' the receptionist scoffed as she continued working on a data pad.

'I have an urgent message from Admiral Hackett and she's turned her omnitool off.' He leaned forward and the woman finally looked up at him.

'And you are?' She looked him up and down, taking in his uniform and cap.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau, I'm her pilot on the Normandy,' he kept his voice calm even though he was getting angrier by the minute. He wanted to shout that he was her husband, that he needed to be with her but he knew that wouldn't get him anywhere except probably thrown out.

'She's in ICU,' she said after a moment's hesitation. 'You can wait in the corridor through there,' she indicated the doors at the end of the room.

'Thank you,' Joker nodded and headed in the direction she pointed.

The corridor was just as crowded as reception and he was about to ask for further directions when he glimpsed Shepard and Kolyat through the windows of Thane's room. Quietly he stepped into the room and stood by the door. He was satisfied that she was alive and appeared okay and he was content to give her time to say goodbye. She'd changed somewhere along the way, he could only guess it had been at C-Sec, and she looked beautiful in her BDUs.

He listened as Kolyat asked her to join him in a prayer, watched as Thane took his last breath. Joker felt tears burning as Shepard reached over and closed Thane's eyes, as she paused in respect, her head bowed and her shoulders trembling. There was a sudden emptiness in the room, Thane was gone.

'Your father was a great man, Kolyat,' she turned to the young Drell and pulled him into a hug. 'He was a hero, you should be proud of him.'

'I am,' Kolyat pulled back but Shepard held on to his hands.

'If you ever need anything, need help, please come to me.'

'Thank you, Commander,' Kolyat nodded. 'Thank you for being here. I should … make preparations …..' Emotion seemed to get the better of him and Shepard squeezed his hands in hers before nodding and turning to leave.

That was when she realised Joker was there. He watched as love, appreciation, sadness and grief flashed across her face. Then she was in his arms. He didn't remember moving but he was no longer by the door and as he buried his face in her hair it didn't matter. He could feel her trembling and he knew she was fighting back tears. She was here, she was alive. Joker kept his arm around her shoulder as they left the room, holding her close.

A commotion along the corridor towards reception made him look up and he frowned angrily at the collection of reporters harassing the staff. They were looking for Shepard. He felt Shepard tense beside him and wondered how they were going to avoid attention. There was a good chance that if they tried to push through he wouldn't come out unscathed. He was about to raise his omnitool and call Garrus or James for help, then find somewhere to hide, but a hand on his arm made him turn and a nurse indicated a door hidden the shadows.

'Through there, it's another exit,' she brought up her omnitool and Joker was afraid she was letting someone know where they were. 'I've ordered an air car, it should be waiting for you.'

'Thank you,' Joker spoke softly.

'Thank you,' she looked from Joker to Shepard, 'for everything.'

Joker nodded and quickly stepped through the door. They eventually wound up outside on a small platform and he thankfully settled them both inside the air car that sat waiting.

'Jeff, I don't want to go back to the Normandy yet,' the shake in her voice told him she was close to breaking.

'Okay,' he set them in motion, he knew just the place to give them some privacy and some time.

Joker had been to the Citadel more times than he could remember. Every time he was here he hired a car and travelled the arms, he was pretty confident that he knew more about the layout than many of the people who lived here. He'd discovered a little known park some time ago, out on the end of an arm, right where it started to curve upwards to the tip, with a spectacular view back along the Citadel to the docking ring. The first time he stopped there he'd been completely floored by the size and scope of the Citadel and it had become the spot he went to when he needed to ground himself or be alone. He wasn't sure Shepard would appreciate the beauty right now but it was the privacy and quiet he was after.

He glanced over to find her playing with her fingers and staring blankly out the window. How could one person carry the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders, deal with loss and heartache, look death in the face and not have it break her. He was concerned that she was going to close herself off, deny the feelings of grief and ignore the pain of what had been a very stressful day. That wasn't going to happen, not on his watch anyway. The car slowly came to a stop and he was thankful there was no-one else around as he stepped out and moved to help Shepard.

Taking her hand firmly in his he led her down the gentle slope towards a small lake that was fed by a shallow, multi-tiered waterfall. Happy with a spot far enough away from the tumbling water he urged Shepard to sit beside him on the grass. He slipped his arm around her shoulder and gently lay back, relieved as she followed him, wrapped her arm around him and rested her head on his chest.

Other than an occasional bird noise and the soft splash of the water it was quiet. It felt like they were the only two people alive and he loved it. Overhead he could see lights and movement from the other arms but they were so far away they may as well not have existed. He wrapped his arms around his wife, buried his nose in her hair and breathed in her scent, the familiar vanilla, cinnamon of her shampoo, the lingering gun oil. He'd come close to losing her today and as much as he tried to push it away the thought still haunted him. He tensed instinctively and he felt her arms tighten in response.

* * *

Shepard lay on his chest, listening to the soothing beat of his heart. She felt him tense and his heart beat sped up, she hated the fact that she was probably responsible for that, and not in a good way. Today she had almost died, again. She'd felt herself slipping, felt the force of the sword as it pushed through her armour. She had been terrified and that scared the living daylights out of her. It was the very nature of her job to face death, to take the chance on something that might kill her, until now she hadn't thought much of it, she'd never had a reason to. But today, as she teetered on the edge of a fall that would kill her she had never wanted to live so badly in her life.

In that fleeting moment she had thought about Joker, the feel of his beard as it gently rubbed against her skin as he kissed her, the way his beautiful green eyes looked at her with so much love it overwhelmed her. The thought of not seeing him again, of never having his hand in hers, of not being able to tell him how much she loved him was worse than any nightmare she'd ever had. The sheer relief she'd felt when James had pulled her back shocked her, made her tear up in gratitude and that was something she'd never had to face before. There was a painful tightness in her chest that stopped her breath. She felt his arms tighten around her and place a gentle kiss on her head.

Tears burned as she realised just what she had. In her wildest dreams she'd never imagined feeling so much emotion, it was agonising and frightening and yet it was the most amazing, beautiful thing she'd ever experienced. He knew her better than she knew herself and it still surprised her that he was here, he'd told her he would never leave and she believed him. The fact that he was simply laying here, holding her, not questioning or forcing her to open up spoke volumes for just how much he knew her. The love she felt for this wonderful man made her want to cry tears of joy.

Yet it was painful too. She'd lost a good friend today, a son had lost his father and she grieved for them both. She was lying in the arms of the man she loved and rejoicing while sadness ate at her heart. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her feelings escaped. She was shaking and she couldn't stop. Joker's hand gently cradled her head, holding her close as his breath warmed her hair. She was a soldier, she killed on an almost daily basis, she did the dirty jobs that others couldn't.  What had she ever done to deserve such tenderness?

* * *

Joker felt her shaking, his shirt was damp from her tears and his heart ached. He brought his hand up to cradle her head, to reassure her that it was okay to cry, that he was there for her. His eyes burned with unshed tears, not from grief or hurt but because he couldn't take away her pain. He'd almost lost her today but she'd suffered much more. He wondered what she'd thought as she looked down into the abyss, how she'd felt when faced with maybe having to shoot one friend, facing the death of another. He knew she needed to be strong around others but right here, right now, she could let go. There was satisfaction in that.

She sobbed softly in his arms and Joker felt a perverse pleasure as she lay against him. He knew there were very few people who would ever see her this way, to have that trust so freely given was the greatest gift he'd ever received. As her sobs lessened and he felt her relax against him he allowed himself to relax with her. Eventually she lay still, her arm wrapped around his waist and the occasional sniffle letting him know she was still awake. She had to be exhausted, physically and emotionally.

'Today was a bad day,' she spoke softly and he stayed quiet, knowing she needed to collect her thoughts. 'It hurt,' she sucked in a shaky breath, 'I was scared, Jeff.' He felt her hand grip his shirt and he understood how admitting that was painful. 'I thought I was going to die, but I was more scared of never seeing you again, of never holding you like this.' A sob escaped and he tightened his grip on her shoulder.

Joker was shocked by her admission. He knew she loved him but for her to so openly admit her fear like that showed him just how much.

'You're everything to me and I don't know what I've done to deserve you but I never want to live without you.' She wiped away her tears and went back to gripping his shirt. 'I love you. I've never felt anything like what I feel for you, ever, and those three words don't seem enough to explain it. It scares the crap out of me but it's exciting and exhilarating and I can't get enough of it, of you. For the first time in my life I don't want to die because I have so much to live for.'

Joker didn't know what to say. He had no comeback for her open hearted confession. It overwhelmed him, amazed him. She had explained his feelings exactly, said precisely what was in his heart. That she felt and understood what he'd known for so long was surreal and he wondered if he was dreaming. He heard her chuckle and he grinned as tears rolled down his cheeks.

'Well, this has to be a first,' she moved so she could see his face, 'Joker, speechless. I guess I win this round.'

Joker choked on a laugh as he rolled to his side and pulled her in tight against him, 'god I love you,' he whispered between fighting back sobs as emotion got the better of him. 'I was so scared I was going to lose you today. I'm sorry about Thane dying and Kaidan being an ass. I'm sorry you had a horrible day.' He was rambling but he needed let go of his fears too. 'I'm sorry I can't take away your pain.'

Before he realised it his lips were on hers and the salty kisses were the best thing he'd ever tasted. She kissed him back with an eagerness and passion that matched his own. It was a kiss of pure need and relief. Eventually they had to come up for air but there was no parting, they buried their faces in each other's necks and simply enjoyed holding each other.

'I really am sorry about Thane,' Joker said softly as he held her.

'I know,' she whispered.

They lay there a while longer, simply holding each other, reassuring themselves that as bad as the day had been there was still happiness to be had. Shepard finally rolled away and looked at the Citadel arm over their head. Slowly she sat up and Joker followed. He grinned as her eyes opened in amazement.

'Wow!' She glanced from him to the view laid out before her. 'How did you find this place?'

'You'd be surprised at the places I know of,' he smiled and she chuckled.

'It's beautiful.' She linked her fingers through his and looked at him thoughtfully. 'Thank you, for this, for being here,' she lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it gently.

'Anything for you,' he brushed a lock of hair back behind her ear. 'I love you.'

'I know,' she smiled and while there was still pain in her eyes he knew she'd be okay. 'Guess we'd better get back.'

'Not yet,' he lay down again and pulled her with him. 'I'm quite happy right here, right now, we can lay here a little longer and forget everything else.'

She lay back beside him with a chuckle as she wrapped her arms around him. 'Yes we can.'


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't played From the Ashes DLC.

**** 62 ****

Joker was lost in thought as he walked through the doors of the Normandy docking tube, so much so it wasn't until a hand came to rest on his chest that he realised he'd almost walked into someone. He blinked in surprise as he looked up at the owner of said hand. He was frowning as he leaned back on his hip and folded his arms across his chest.

'Alenko.'

'Hey Joker,' Kaidan sighed and played nervously with the back of his neck. 'We really need to stop meeting like this.'

'What are you doing here, come to have another asshole moment?'

'Yeah, about that,' Kaidan seemed embarrassed but Joker wasn't going to let him get off the hook easily.

'About that?' He scowled and Kaidan looked away. 'You hold a gun to Shepard's face and all you can say is "about that". Really?'

'She was holding a gun in my face too,' he started pacing and Joker shook his head. 'What was I supposed to think?'

'That she was doing her job, she's a Spectre, the Citadel was under attack and she was trying to protect the council.'

'So was I,' Kaidan stopped and glared at him. 'We were under attack from Cerberus and it was my job to get the council to safety. Next thing I know Shepard's there pointing a gun at Udina.'

'Did it ever occur to you that if she'd been with Cerberus she'd have been pointing the gun at the aliens, Cerberus being all about humanity and shit?' Kaidan blinked in surprise but Joker wasn't finished. 'I thought you sorted all this shit out, you'd got past the doubts, you believed it was really Shepard. How many fucking times does she have to prove herself to you! Not that she needs to, she has enough people behind her who care about her.' Joker realised he was almost yelling and pulled himself back under control.

'I don't doubt her,' Kaidan blew out a breath and ran his hands through his hair. 'It all happened so fast I just didn't have time to think.'

'Christ, Kaidan,' Joker shook his head. 'As if there isn't enough going on, the last thing she needs is for someone she trusts to shoot her.'

'I know,' he moved to stand by the window and stared out at the Normandy.

Joker followed his gaze and understanding hit him like a ton of bricks. 'You want to come back, be part of the team.'

'If Shepard will let me,' he dropped his gaze to the floor, he looked lost and Joker actually felt sorry for him. 'Being part of the Normandy team was the only time everything felt right.'

'I guess I can understand that,' Joker moved beside him and looked out at his baby.

'Do you have a problem with me coming back?' Kaidan asked, his eyes searching Joker's face as if he could read the truth there.

'No, she needs the best team at her back and I think you're part of that,' he smirked and Kaidan frowned at him. 'You'd better not have any ideas about chasing after my wife though.'

'Definitely not,' Kaidan chuckled and shook his head.

'Just as well,' Joker pulled himself upright and turned to board his ship. 'Want to come on board?'

'No, I'll wait for Shepard.'

'Okay,' Joker nodded, 'she may be a while. She gave the crew eight hours shore leave before heading up to the Spectre office. I'd hang around with you but I'm cooking dinner for us tonight so gotta go chop stuff up.'

'You cook?' Kaidan looked at him with raised eyebrows.

'Yeah, don't sound so surprised.'

'I didn't think you ever left your chair,' he chuckled and Joker scowled at him.

Joker was about to respond when the outer doors opened. Shepard and Garrus were laughing about something but they both stopped dead when they saw Kaidan. Joker saw Garrus tense and his mandibles tightened against his face, not a good sign. Shepard must have sensed it because she placed her hand on his arm.

'Garrus, it's fine,' she assured him and gently urged him towards the ship. 'Go help Joker or something.' She smiled at Joker and watched him and Garrus disappear behind the closing door.

'What does he want?' Garrus asked as they waited for decontamination to finish.

'To come back to the Normandy.'

'You're okay with that?' Garrus looked at him in amazement.

'Yeah, I guess Shepard's rubbing off on me, we do spend all our spare time together,' he laughed as Garrus screwed up his face in mock horror. 'Besides, if he has another asshole moment you can always put a bullet in him.'

'There is that,' Garrus nodded and they were both chuckling as they headed through CIC.

* * *

Eden Prime. Joker looked at the planet on his scanners and couldn't help the sense of deja vu that passed over him. This was where is all began. Almost three years had passed but it was like they were back at the beginning. Once again they were here to pick up a prothean relic, hopefully one that didn't put Shepard in medbay for fifteen hours. What would have happened if she'd never woken up? He shuddered and tried to shake off the memory. This mission would end differently.

This mission was different. For the first time Shepard had taken a team of four instead of two and he, for one, was extremely thankful. Just like the first time Kaidan was behind her but this time it was Garrus rather than Ashley, Liara was there as their resident prothean expert and James, well, James was pure muscle and fire power. Which was just as well because, surprise, surprise, Cerberus was there. Joker was waiting for Kaidan to have another moment and he was pretty sure Garrus was too, but he was true to his word and followed Shepard's orders. It was a relief and Joker really was happy to have him back, especially when he saw how much stronger he had become as both a biotic and a marine. He'd obviously learnt a lot in the last couple of years.

Just like the first time they were fighting over a relic, the enemy might be different but the story was still the same. Only this time it wasn't just a beacon, this time they were collecting a prothean, a real live prothean. Joker wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, especially when the team was knocked senseless by his biotic throw as he woke up. If he could do that while still groggy what would he be able to do at full strength? They just had to hope he was on their side.

'Joker, let's go find Dr Garneau,' Shepard ordered into his earpiece from the shuttle bay and he could hear her removing her armour.

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' Joker brought up the co-ordinates for the find the scientist planet. 'You know you really need to stop bringing home strays, we're going to run out of room.'

'We can always put another bed in our quarters,' he knew she was smirking and he shook his head.

'With the way you moan and scream they wouldn't get much sleep,' he countered and he heard her choke on a breath. 'So that's one to me,' he laughed and she cursed him softly, trying to hold back her amusement.

'Just fly the damn ship,' she was grinning, he knew it. 'I have to go settle our new guest.'

It was almost an hour later when she arrived on the bridge with coffee in hand. She handed him his then slipped into the empty co-pilot's chair. Joker realised that he missed her sitting beside him and he decided to try and get EDI to leave the seat empty more often.

'Where's EDI?' She sipped her coffee, glancing out into the void before quickly bringing her eyes back to him.

'Down in the AI core working on something with Adams.'

'I didn't think she ever left this seat,' Joker didn't miss the hint of disappointment in her voice.

'Yeah, we might have to do something about that,' he was rewarded with a chuckle.

'Do you miss me?' She leaned forward and her eyes burned with passion, it overwhelmed him and his breath caught in his throat.

'Hell yeah,' he whispered hoarsely.

'Good to know,' she grinned and sat back.

'So, a prothean huh,' he forced his mind back on track. 'Has Liara stopped bouncing yet? I'm guessing there was bouncing.'

'I don't think he's exactly what she expected.'

'And Kaidan's back,' Joker glanced at her and she sighed at him.

'Don't go picking on him, I thought you and he had sorted things out.'

'Back at you, but he still held a gun to your face and now he's here.'

'He's a good soldier and a strong biotic, the team will benefit from having him on board.'

'I know that,' Joker rolled his eyes at her, 'but he'd better not try ordering me around.'

'Not an issue. He's agreed that this is my ship and I'm in command. I was thinking about making him my XO though.' She grinned at his frown, 'he is an Alliance Officer with experience in handling his own team and ship.'

'As long as he knows I won't leave you behind,' Joker understood her reasoning but no order from anyone would make him leave without her on board. Never.

'He knows,' she said softly. 'I don't think he'd let you. Just don't put the crew in danger for me, I couldn't live knowing you'd risked their lives for mine.'

'Shepard, this crew, every crew you've ever had, would risk their lives for you.' Joker turned and leaned forward, taking her hands in his. 'You've risked your life for others so many times why can't you accept that others would do it for you. Every single one of us would die for you just as you'd die for us.' There was a tightness in his chest as he realised what he'd said but a gentle squeeze of his fingers stopped him from slipping into memory.

'Shepard, you're in my chair.'

Joker and Shepard both looked up in surprise and concern to find EDI standing behind them. She stood with her hands behind her back, her face stern and a little threatening. For a moment Joker was afraid she would physically yank Shepard out of her seat. Suddenly her whole persona changed. Her lips lifted at the corners and her stance relaxed as she chuckled.

'That was a joke.'

Joker looked at Shepard who was dumbfounded and he was a little worried about how she would respond.

'EDI, you're smiling,' Shepard stood up and stared at the fembot.

'I have adjusted this platforms code so it can better mimic human behaviour. If I am to fit in I thought it best to be more responsive and amenable.'

'You can do that,' Shepard sounded genuinely happy for her and Joker let out a silent sigh of relief.

'Yes, this body is an infiltration unit, it has capabilities to help it blend with its surroundings,' she paused as if in thought. 'Shepard, I wish to apologise.'

'What for?'

'When I first took over this platform I did not realise the affect it would have on the crew and yourself. It's outer shell is a little …. provocative. It did not occur to me that it would raise feelings of jealousy or inadequacy in some people.' She cocked her head sideways, 'I have no intention of trying to coerce Jeff away from you and I apologise for causing you pain.'

Joker had spun so he could see both women and the look on Shepard's face right then was priceless. He almost laughed at the shock and wide eyed stare. Before Shepard could respond EDI continued.

'Although,' she glanced at Joker, 'there are some races who believe a man can have more than one wife.'

Joker gaped at her, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He had no response. To his surprise Shepard burst out laughing.

'That was …'

'A joke,' Shepard finished for her. 'Thank you EDI. I know you want to fit in, be more human like but just remember you are a unique individual, don't lose that by trying to be something that just makes others comfortable.'

'I will remember, Shepard,' she slipped into her chair as Shepard left the bridge.

Joker simply shook his head. He was glad Shepard was treating EDI normally. Before she'd taken over the new platform he'd heard Shepard and EDI having serious discussions about things that went straight over his head. They'd been friends of sorts and he would be happy for them to get back to that. He glanced over at EDI who was engrossed in her work. Yeah, she was shapely, attractive even, but how Shepard could think he'd be attracted to her was beyond his understanding. There was no chance of anything physical, she'd break him for crying out loud. Women, damned if you do and damned if you don't. What hope did he have.

'Joker, we need to get to Arrae, fast.'

'Aye, aye,' he quickly brought up the co-ordinates and adjusted their course. Another sudden change of plans: just another day on the Normandy. 'Anything I should know?'

'We have to go rescue some ex-Cerberus scientists before Cerberus get there.'

'Roger that,' he recalculated the maths and shaved more time off their course, it would be nice to get one up on Cerberus for a change.


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken a bit of liberty here with the Arrae mission (rescue the ex Cerberus scientists). I always wondered why there were so many troops on the ground for a bunch of scientists and to be honest I found it a little boring and predictable. So I've spiced it up. Hope you like it.

**** 63 ****

'Shit!' Joker dropped them into orbit around Arrae and right into a maelstrom of Cerberus ships that didn't register on their scans. Seemed Cerberus had installed stealth technology into their ships since they'd built the Normandy. 'Commander, we've got a shit storm happening here.'

'What's going on Joker?' Shepard was quickly behind him, hanging on to the back of his chair as he danced the Normandy around to avoid the shuttles flying in no particular pattern.

'Cerberus must really want these guys back, I've picked up about a dozen shuttles and at least three gunships on the ground.'

'I am detecting an anomaly,' EDI informed him of the co-ordinates.

'Damn!' Joker looked at the radar but nothing was visible. 'Their ships have stealth capability, seems they've upgraded.' He brought up the external cameras and finally caught a glimpse of something just coming around the curve of the planet below. 'It's going to be hot down there.'

'Great,' Shepard grimaced. 'Alenko, Garrus, shuttle bay in five. Steve we're going in hot.'

'You're taking Alenko on another Cerberus mission?' Joker glanced up at her.

'He'll get used to it sooner or later, besides, it might help him get rid of any nagging doubts. ' She shrugged and kissed his cheek before walking away. 'Take care of our baby.'

'Always,' Joker focussed on the ship that was fast approaching from below. 'EDI, is that what I think it is?'

'Yes, Jeff, that is a Normandy class frigate.'

_Crap!_ Joker had never had to fight his own ship before. He'd run simulations after they'd severed ties with Cerberus, just on the off chance they built another Normandy. He knew his ship intimately, he had EDI beside him, he could only hope that the pilot of the other frigate wasn't as confident or as competent. He also hoped the other frigate didn't have weapon upgrades like the Normandy.

Joker acknowledged the shuttle departure and put them into motion, trusting in Steve's abilities to get them on the ground safely. The Normandy pulled up and away from the planet. Joker didn't want to take the chance on any of the shuttles crashing into them, they were flying erratically and he was puzzled. Every other time he'd come up against Cerberus shuttles the pilots had been much more capable. Something was off.

The frigate followed him. Joker knew this wasn't going to be easy, he sat upright and drew in a breath before pushing the ship up to full power, challenging the other frigate pilot to match him. He tried not to think about Shepard and her team taking on the ground troops, tried to ignore the tension in his guts and the feeling that they were being set up.

'EDI, are you ready for this?'

'Yes, Jeff, I have upgraded my cyber warfare suites and my defences since our last encounter.'

'Good, I have a feeling we're going to need them.'

Joker brought the stealth systems on line, sped away from the planet, spun the Normandy on her axis and waited. It was the closest he could get to a Crazy Ivan and he was grinning as he steadied the Normandy, The Cerberus frigate had dropped out of stealth after giving chase and unless the pilot used the external cameras he would have lost the Normandy when she went into stealth. Joker was counting on it. What he wasn't counting on was the other ship diving to port and shooting for the planet they'd just left.

'What the fuck! EDI, what's going on?' He brought up his screens from the ground team, keeping the radar in view at all times. The shuttles were still buzzing the planet but there didn't seem to be any kind of seriousness about their attack.

He glanced at the feed from the ground team and saw them fighting desperately as they brought the AA guns back on line. Shuttles continued to drop ground troops but it was as if they were simply being a distraction.

'I am picking up communications from the surface. They are not here for the scientists. They are going after Shepard.'

Joker felt the colour drain from his face as the feed from the ground disappeared. 'Normandy to Shepard,' he waited anxiously for her to respond. Commander, please respond.' Nothing. His gut instinct had been right, they'd walked into a trap.

'I am tracking her sub-dermal transmitter, she is still on the surface.' EDI suddenly went quiet before sitting upright in her chair. 'Cerberus are attempting to take control of my systems.'

Joker glanced across at EDI, there was nothing he could do to help her. He could still help Shepard though and he hurriedly got them back into motion and headed for the planet. He could take out some of those shuttles, lessen their chances of fleeing with Shepard on one. The other frigate had dropped into orbit but Joker wasn't taking the chance on them getting Shepard aboard. He targeted their engines and fired. He knew exactly what it would do to the ship.

There was no sense of remorse or sadness as the ship slowly came apart. Under any other circumstances he would have crippled them, given them a chance of survival. Not this time. There was no way in hell he was giving Cerberus a chance to abduct Shepard, he'd be happy to suffer her wrath later if it meant she was alive. There was no emotion at all as the pieces of the frigate and its crew got caught in the planet's pull and burned up.

'How you doin', EDI?' Joker avoided a shuttle that decided to take a kamikaze run at them, watching it explode as he fired the main gun.

There was no response from EDI and all he got from the ground was static. _What the fuck is going on down there!_ He destroyed another couple of shuttles before he saw several coming up from the planet's surface. He couldn't take the chance on destroying them, Shepard might be on one or the scientists they'd come to rescue.

'Damn it, EDI, where is Shepard?'

'Shepard is no longer on the ground,' he jumped as EDI spoke. 'I am tracking her signal but it is proving difficult. Cerberus is jamming communications on a rotating frequency. I am attempting …' She went quiet and Joker fought down panic. He couldn't lose Ari, not now. 'I have reacquired Shepard's signal. She is in a shuttle travelling in atmosphere, using the planet as a shield.'

Joker watched as the co-ordinates appeared on his console. Clever, heading around the planet while they were distracted with the other shuttles. He set course to meet up with the escaping shuttle as it left the atmosphere. The rest of the ground team would have to fend for themselves for a while.

'I have discovered something unusual,' EDI sounded curious. 'The shuttles that did not come from the planet do not have a human crew.'

'You mean they're under VI control?' Joker frowned as his hands worked.

'It would appear so, although I am detecting Reaper code in their constructs.'

'Looks like Cerberus is doing more than just enhancing their troops with Reaper tech.' The thought of what Cerberus could do with Reaper VI controlled ships was a little worrying but he didn't have time to think about it right now.

Joker rounded the curve of the planet just as the shuttle carrying Shepard left the atmosphere along with two others. The Normandy was still in stealth so the pilot, if it had one, wouldn't know they were there. Usually. Joker cursed as the three shuttles picked up speed and started weaving in and around each other. It was like an old game Joker's mum had played with him, follow the bean hidden under one of three cups, he got it right nine times out of ten.

The three shuttles continued weaving but he had the advantage, he was following Shepard's transmitter so when the shuttles shot out in three different directions he knew exactly which one to follow. The shuttle was no match for the Normandy when it came to power and speed but it did have the advantage of slightly quicker manoeuvrability. He couldn't take the chance on firing on them but if they went into FTL he'd lose them.

'EDI, we can't let them leave,' he heard the fear in his voice as the shuttle changed course again and it took precious seconds for the Normandy to catch up.

'Their cyber warfare suite has been improved and is making it difficult. I have, however, targeted their engines with reduced power, it will stop them.'

'Do it,' he held his breath as the guns fired and as the shuttle shuddered to a halt he blew it out loudly.

'Jeff, I believe …..'

'Put her back where we found her.' It was the Illusive Man's voice.

'No, no, no!' Joker watched in horror as the shuttle hatch opened and a body was thrown out. All his nightmares were coming true at once and he floundered, lost in memory as he watched Shepard floating in space.

There was no movement, no flailing for a leaking oxygen hose, no signs of life. He felt his heart breaking, his eyes burned and his hands lay dormant on his console. He'd lost her. He hadn't been quick enough or good enough to save her this time either. He gasped for breath as the thought of living without her ran through his mind and the moment passed. He shook off his fear, she was relying on him to bring her home.

'Is she alive, EDI?' He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer as he urged the Normandy forward, he could scoop her into the cargo hold but it was going to take time and careful handling.

'Yes, the oxygen in her armour will keep her alive for approximately two minutes. I am detecting sedatives and toxins in her system. I have advised Dr Chakwas.'

That explained her not moving. Joker swallowed hard as he moved them closer. They were damn lucky she was wearing her helmet. Of all days for her to put it on. She hated her helmet, said it reminded her too much of her death and he wondered if she'd developed a case of claustrophobia. Today she'd worn it, almost as if she knew it would be needed.

'Joker,' Vega broke into his thoughts. 'I'm in an EVA suit and anchored. The cargo hold is secure and empty.'

Joker could have kissed him. It would take one minute thirty to depressurise the hangar normally but an emergency venting took only thirty seconds. He had to be careful he didn't vent and blow Shepard further away with the rush of expelled air. He brought up the camera feed from the cargo bay and cracked open the bay door, the air would be vented sideways rather than forward. Vega had been true to his word and as the air rushed out into space not a single thing moved. He could see Vega anchored to the deck just inside the door and he knew he owed the marine much more than he could ever repay.

'Shepard's oxygen levels are at fifty per cent,' EDI advised him and he grimaced as he shut down engines and moved to the thruster controls. 'There appears to be a leak in her armour.'

She was still not moving and Joker fought down the fear he might already be too late. Slowly she disappeared beneath the nose of the ship and he watched on the external cameras as the Normandy's momentum carried them forward. She was getting too close to the hull, if she hit it she could bounce of in any direction and they could lose her completely.

'Oxygen levels at twenty per cent.'

'I know EDI,' he hissed through a clenched jaw.

'I'm in the elevator with a med team, Joker,' Chakwas advised him.

Joker activated the forward thrusters, too much and he'd push them too high and Shepard would float beneath the bay door, not enough and she'd bounce off the hull. A movement caught his eye and he saw Vega leap into the void. _Shit!_ Joker watched as the gap closed between Vega and Shepard. Vega was in the same position as the Normandy. Too fast and he'd miss her, possibly hitting her and sending her careening off into space.

'Oxygen levels at five percent.'

Joker felt his chest tighten and forced himself to breathe. Vega was so close now. His hand went out and there was an audible grunt as he grabbed Shepard's hand but he pulled too quickly. Shepard crashed into Vega with enough force to knock him backwards and he lost his hold on her hand. Every fear he'd ever had gripped Joker's mind as he saw Shepard bounce off Vega and spin, starting to move away from the ship.

'Oxygen levels depleted.'

Joker was calculating the amount of thrust and inputting the commands when he saw Vega reach out and grab Shepard's leg as it turned towards him. With a curse he pulled her by the boot and rewound the tether that was securing him to the ship. Joker knew that timing was everything. Shepard still hadn't moved and without oxygen she would die. The moment Vega was back inside the cargo hold he brought up the kinetic barrier and started an emergency pressurising of the hold.

The next forty five seconds were the longest of Joker's life. He watched as Vega pulled Shepard into his arms and gently laid her down on the deck, holding her down gently as pressure returned. He could see him running his omnitool over Shepard and he swallowed the bile that rose in his throat at the thought that they might be too late.

'I am not reading any life signs from the Commander,' EDI said softly and Joker buried his head in his hands. 'Pressure in the hold has returned to normal.'

Joker heard the clunk as Vega threw his gloves and helmet onto the deck. He heard the familiar click as Shepard's helmet was released. He heard the thumping of boots as the medics rushed from the elevator. What he didn't hear was Shepard gasping for breath, there was no tired sigh or post mission humour. There was no clanking of weaponry onto the armoury bench, no cursing as armour stuck. Joker would give his life to hear any of those things. There was nothing but an eerie silence, broken by the hurried orders of Dr Chakwas, his heart pounding in his ears and his own laboured breathing.


	64. Chapter 64

 

**** 64 ****

'Jeff, do you need assistance?'

EDI's voice dragged Joker out of his stupor. He rubbed his face to brush away the threatening tears, settled his cap and sat up. There was nothing he could do for Shepard and he trusted that she was in good hands. He needed to focus on something. If he was honest with himself he didn't want to face the news that she might be dead.

'EDI, do we know which of those shuttles are carrying the scientists?' There was no emotion in his voice and all he felt was rage, it was getting the better of him and he was inclined to let it. He brought up the radar, knowing it would be useless if the shuttles were in stealth.

'I have located the VI controlled shuttles, they are interfering with the shuttles carrying the scientists.'

'Let's take them out,' he turned the Normandy and brought the guns on line.

One by one he blasted the shuttles into oblivion, each one giving him some satisfaction at the thought that the Illusive Asshole was losing resources. He only wished there were Cerberus troops on board. He wanted to hurt someone, he wanted to scream until he was hoarse, he wanted to get down on his knees and ask every deity in existence why they'd been cursed. Why Shepard had to die? If he thought it would help he would bless said deities with his own curse, put them in their own living hell.

Instead he did his job, he had to. At least here he could be of some use. What he wanted to do was rush down to the cargo bay but he knew he would just be in the way and Shepard would never forgive him if he let the scientists die at the hands of Cerberus. The last of the unmanned shuttles was destroyed and those that were manned quickly jumped into FTL. That left only the scientists shuttles. Joker sat back in his seat and stared vacantly at his screens.

'Joker, what's going on?' Garrus yelled worriedly into his ear. 'Where's Shepard?'

Joker went to speak but his throat had closed over and he struggled to control his emotions.

'Commander Shepard was taken by Cerberus and ejected into space. Dr Chakwas is currently attempting to stabilise her in the cargo bay.' EDI spoke for him.

'Fuck!' Alenko cursed in the background.

'Let us know when we're clear to board,' Garrus spoke calmly but Joker heard the underlying fear.

'Joker, we're moving Shepard to medbay,' Chakwas informed him, 'she's alive.'

Joker choked on a sob as tears rolled down his face. He struggled to his feet and hurried to the elevator, ignoring the worried looks of the crew, focussing intently on his destination. He was just in time to see the medbay doors closing.

'EDI, I need your help,' he heard Chakwas say and watched as Liara and Glyph dashed across the mess and followed her.

The door locked behind them and Joker simply stared at it in confusion. A hand on his shoulder startled him, he turned to see James and the worried look on his face told him more than he wanted to know. He allowed James to lead him to the table and sat down unconsciously, his eyes never leaving the medbay door.

Joker,' James cleared his throat and seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say.

'How is she?' It was a whisper but Joker didn't repeat himself.

'Alive. She's been shot, nothing serious but with that and her shields gone it would have slowed her down enough for Cerberus troops to overpower her.' James sighed and Joker knew there was worse to come. 'They injected her with some sort of toxin ….. shit,' he ran his hands through the small amount of hair on his head. 'Toxin is probably not the right word. They put something into her that's changing her. I think it's whatever they're doing to their own troops.'

Joker stared at him in horror. His Shepard, his Ari, was turning into some sort of Reaper freak. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be possible. She was the hero, she had to save the galaxy, she had to destroy the Reapers. She had to stay just as she was, just as he loved her. The thought of losing her to something like that was beyond anything he'd ever imagined.

'How is she?' Garrus, Alenko and Steve rushed into the mess.

All the rage he'd been bottling up escaped and he made no attempt to stop it. Joker shot to his feet.

'Where the fuck were you!' He pushed Garrus angrily and the Turian stumbled backwards as Joker turned on Kaidan. 'You were supposed to be her team, her back up. How the fuck did Cerberus get their hands on her? How could you let them?' Tears of anger and frustration rolled down his face. 'You should have been doing your fucking job because now we're probably going to lose her to the Reaper tech they put in her.' He fought for breath and stumbled against the wall, sliding to the floor and holding his head in his hands. 'You should have saved her.' He was cursing himself more than anyone else.

'Jeff,' a soft hand on his shoulder made him look up.

Dr Chakwas gave him a weak smile that didn't reassure him in the slightest. She took his hand and helped him to his feet, urging him to sit and everyone else to do the same.

'She's alive,' the doctor stated simply. 'They injected her with some form of Reaper technology, it works on a microscopic level to alter the DNA. Fortunately, it's a programmed invasion, similar to nanites.'

'So it can be reprogrammed,' Kaidan pointed out and Joker looked up at the doctor hopefully.

'Yes, but it takes time to work out the code. EDI and Liara are working on it.'

'I can help,' Kaidan stood up and the doctor nodded. Joker watched him rush into the medbay.

'What happens now?' Garrus asked, his talon resting gently on Joker's shoulder.

'We wait,' Chakwas sighed and Joker could see how upset she was. He reached for her hand and she gripped his fingers gently. 'We do have one thing in her favour, her cybernetics are fighting the tech. I guess the Illusive Man didn't take that into account when he ordered her captured and injected.'

'Do we need to get her to a hospital?' Steve asked.

'No, they can't do any more than we're doing here,' Chakwas sat down and James placed a cup of coffee in front of her. She gave him an appreciative smile, 'besides, in a hospital they'd probably want to quarantine her indefinitely. I treated her gunshot wound, it was nothing major and she suffered no ill effects from being in space. Her armour kept her alive.'

Joker dropped his head in relief, at least that was something. He'd take anything he could get at this point.

'That must be how they're changing their own troops and why their numbers are increasing. Inject an unsuspecting target and eventually they become yours.' Garrus shook his head, 'it's a definite Reaper protocol.'

'Guess you don't get the chance to say no,' James commented.

Joker looked up through narrowed eyes. 'I don't give a fuck about the Illusive Asshole and his troops. That's my wife in there and you're talking about her like she's some kind of science project.'

'Joker,' Steve sat down beside him. 'You know that's not how it is.'

'Sorry, man,' James sat across from him. 'We care about Shepard too.'

'What happens if we can't stop the code?' Garrus looked at Chakwas who glanced at Joker. He'd asked the question that nobody else wanted to.

'I don't know,' the doctor sighed, her eyes were moist and her hands shook as they rested on the table.

Joker stared at the tabletop, his hands clenching and unclenching, his jaw locked and his whole body tensed. What would they do if she changed, became a Reaper tool? She'd asked him once to take care of her if she ever became compromised and he'd promised her he would. But could he? Could he put a bullet into the woman he loved? He highly doubted it.

He ached to be near her, to hold her, to kiss her. It was taking all his strength not to rush into the medbay. He wasn't sure he would like what he found, but he needed to know. Before anyone realised what he was doing he stood and hurried through the unlocked door.

'Jeff,' Chakwas followed him and gently grabbed his arm.

'I need to know, doc,' he glanced at her before turning to the bed where Shepard lay.

He almost cried out at the look of pain on her face. She was heavily sedated but obviously it wasn't enough. She was surrounded by a barrier and that scared Joker more than anything. It was a good indication that they weren't sure they could heal her. There were no obvious signs of change, perhaps they still had time, even the Dragons Teeth took time. It was the one thing he had to hold on to and he grabbed it.

'Jeff, we could use your assistance,' EDI spoke from the ceiling, 'if you are able.'

'What do you need?' He pulled himself together and moved to stand by the bed.

'Another pair of eyes,' Kaidan spoke through gritted teeth and Joker could see the strain on his face.

'What am I looking for?' He brought up his omnitool as it linked into the others and watched as the code ran across his screen. He'd hacked his way into numerous systems, he'd done it for fun, but this was different. This could mean the difference between life and death for Shepard. He hoped he was up to the task.

'Command codes, we change them as quickly as we can find them but they are adapting. We need to be faster.' Liara was frowning as she typed on her tool.

'Don't they have a main command line?' Joker was already scanning the code. It was unlike anything he'd ever seen but he recognised familiar patterns. This was human code with added Reaper segments, seems Cerberus was still clinging to humanity in some form.

'They should have, we just haven't found it yet,' Kaidan cursed as the line he input was overwritten. 'They have some sort of defence system that keeps blocking us.'

'Reaper code is highly advanced and evolved,' EDI sounded calm but Joker knew she would be putting every bit of processing power into figuring this out, not to mention controlling the ship, he'd left her on the bridge alone. 'We have the advantage that this is only partly Reaper code joined to human code.'

'If the Illusive Asshole can do it so can we,' Joker muttered, 'we have to.'

* * *

Garrus walked into medbay to find Joker slumped in a chair alongside Shepard's bed. He knew the pilot hadn't had much sleep so, trying not to disturb him, he took a wide berth around the bottom of Shepard's bed and stood on the opposite side. He looked down worriedly at his closest friend, she was still surrounded by a barrier and that troubled him. Physical contact was out of the question, he couldn't even hold her hand. He could only imagine what this was doing to Joker.

Two days she'd been lying in this bed, not moving, barely alive. For hours EDI, Liara, Kaidan and Joker had fought to save her, it was a battle to rival any of the physical ones they'd fought. Finally they'd managed to break through the defences and take control. They were still waiting to see if it held, if she would wake up as the Shepard they knew. The thought that he might lose her was painful. He'd always said he wasn't a good Turian. The fact that his heart was breaking over someone who wasn't his mate proved that beyond doubt.

He glanced across at Joker and knew that if Shepard died, or god forbid turned into a Reaper tool, he wouldn't cope. It was bad enough when the first Normandy went down, Joker had refused help, buried himself so deep in alcohol and grief that no-one had expected him to survive. He'd been on suicide watch more than once even if he didn't know it. Garrus guessed it would be much, much worse this time round. The thought that one of them might need to put a bullet in Shepard was enough to make him clench his talons in anger and frustration. How would Joker deal with that? How would any of them deal with that?

He felt guilty. Joker had been right. Why weren't they there to protect her? What had gone so wrong that Joker had been forced to watch Shepard get thrown into space, to watch her almost die, possibly have to watch her change into something monstrous? Garrus had gone over the mission so many times in his head but he couldn't pinpoint when things had gone so heartbreakingly wrong. He'd watched the footage, he'd seen where Shepard had been driven away from them but no matter how many simulations he ran the outcome was always the same. He felt like he'd let down his two closest friends and that hurt. It made him question his own abilities, made him wonder if he deserved to stand by her side.

'It wasn't your fault.'

Garrus looked up in surprise, 'I thought you were asleep.'

'Like that's gonna happen,' Joker scoffed and pulled himself upright in the chair.

'You need to sleep, Joker,' Garrus knew he was wasting his time but he had to try. 'You know she'll kick your ass when she wakes up.'

'And I'll be happy for her to do it,' Joker looked through the barrier at the face he loved so much.

He was glad to see she didn't appear to be in pain any more, that seemed to have stopped when they'd stopped the Reaper code from working. No-one knew exactly what it had done to her, scans didn't seem to show anything and from the blood tests Chakwas had carried out there was no sign of further activity. So why wasn't she waking up? The door slid open and Joker glanced up as Dr Chakwas and Kaidan approached Shepard's bed.

'Still no change?' Kaidan stopped at the end of the bed and looked down at Shepard.

'No,' Joker looked up at Chakwas. 'Any ideas, doc?'

'I have a suspicion,' she nodded to Kaidan who sighed and raised his fist.

'What are you doing?' Joker was on his feet, staring at Kaidan as his biotics came to life.

'Jeff,' Chakwas placed her hand on his arm, 'I asked Kaidan to help me, if we need to hold her back I'd rather he did it with biotics than with a bullet.'

Joker stepped back as Chakwas dropped the barrier. There was no change from Shepard. Joker half expected her to jump up at them now that she was released from restraint but she lay perfectly still. His eyes never left her face as Chakwas ran a series of scans.

'I thought so,' she finally stopped and looked at each of them in turn. 'When Cerberus rebuilt her they included cybernetics where they couldn't use real bone or regrown tissue. Part of those cybernetics include a medical interface, it's like an internal first aid kit. Similar to what the Reaper tech was doing but in a good way. Miranda explained it to me when I took scans after she came back. It's why she heals faster than normal but it's also what's keeping her asleep right now.'

'Her injuries are severe enough that waking her up could be dangerous,' Kaidan dropped his arm and his biotics faded. 'It's put her into an induced coma.' Joker stared at him and he had to admit that he was a little jealous. Kaidan's medical training would give him a better understanding of what was happening.

'Yes,' the doctor checked the scans on her omnitool. 'I can only assume that the damage from the Reaper code was extensive. The advantage is that it will be healing her system, returning it to normal. When she wakes up hopefully she'll be herself.'

'How long?' Joker turned his attention back to Shepard.

'I have no idea,' Chakwas shrugged. 'My scans show some unusual reading but I can't pinpoint exactly what's going on. If Miranda were here she might be able to tell us, she programmed the cybernetics. We just have to wait, but I think we can go without the barrier now.'

Joker nodded silently and moved beside the bed. He gently took Shepard's hand in his and brushed her hair off her face. Her lips were cracked and dry and her skin was pale but she became his universe, nothing else existed. It wasn't until Garrus moved that he remembered they weren't alone.

'Joker,' Kaidan sounded hesitant and Joker glanced at him. 'I need you back on the bridge. We've been sitting in the middle of nowhere for too long. We need to head out and meet the Quarians.'

Joker felt anger rising and he released Shepard's hand so he didn't grip it tight and hurt her. He turned so he was facing Kaidan.

'So this is where you take over. This is where you think you can be the Commander, run this ship, handle this mission. I guess this is what you've been waiting for isn't it.' Joker stepped towards Kaidan who was staring at him wide eyed. 'You've never trusted her since she came back, she's had to prove herself to you over and over. I suppose this will be another thing to add to the list, is she really herself or has Cerberus simply called home their dog.'

'Lieutenant, stand down!' Kaidan's words echoed around the medbay and beside him Dr Chakwas flinched.

Joker's anger smouldered but for the first time since his return he saw the Officer Kaidan had become. He saw the strength in the man, recognised the stature of someone familiar with command. He was no longer the quiet LT who blushed so easily. It was obvious he'd seen and done things that changed him, made him worthy of respect. Joker had to remember that he was his superior officer and he was supposed to obey his commands.

'Jeff,' Kaidan spoke softly as he stepped forward. 'I'm not trying to take over, it's the last thing I want to do but I want you to think about what Shepard would want. She'd be extremely pissed at us for sitting here doing nothing while there's a war going on out there.' He stepped closer and put his hand gently on Joker's shoulder, 'you know I'm right. I'm not asking you to leave her, I expect you to be sitting here every chance you get. But we have a duty to continue the mission she started.'

'He's right, Joker,' Garrus said softly and Joker glared at him.

He knew Kaidan was right. The last thing Shepard would want was for them to be wasting time. She would expect him to do his job, it was what he'd promised her when they'd first got together. She'd be upset with him for behaving like a child and throwing a tantrum because he'd been asked to do it. He grimaced at his own thoughts.

'Joker, you have access to the cameras, you can watch for any signs of change and I'm sure EDI is monitoring her vitals.' Kaidan continued, 'the minute things change you'll be here but right now we need the best pilot on the bridge, no offence EDI.' He glanced at the ceiling.

'None taken, you are correct Major Alenko.'

'I would also like to find Tali when we get there and have her go over the code we found, just in case.' Kaidan stepped back and waited for Joker's response.

'Yeah,' Joker sighed and pulled himself erect. 'I'm sorry, I know you've made your peace with Shepard.'

'Hey, no apologies necessary,' Kaidan held up his hand. 'I understand. Look it's a minimum ten day trip to the Far Rim, Shepard might be awake by the time we get there.'

'Give me a minute,' Joker looked from Kaidan to Garrus.

Kaidan nodded and left, Garrus followed after giving Joker a gentle pat on the shoulder. Chakwas lingered a moment longer.

'Jeff. You need to get some sleep,' she rubbed her hand on his back affectionately.

'I know,' he sighed as he carefully lifted Shepard's hand and wrapped his fingers around it. 'I will.'

The doctor nodded and moved to her desk. Joker ran his fingers down Shepard's jaw, ran his thumb across her lips and cupped her face as he leaned in and kissed her tenderly.

'Hey you,' he whispered, 'I need you to wake up babe, don't leave me out here alone for too long. You know I get into trouble when you're not around.' He kissed her forehead, his lips lingering as he closed his burning eyes. 'I love you.' Sucking in a breath he turned and left the medbay.


	65. Chapter 65

 

**** 65 ****

Joker stood hunched over in the war room. His hands rested on the rim of consoles around the holo of the crucible. His arms were stiff to the point of aching but he needed the pain to stop his emotions from taking over. His head hung on his chest, his closed, dark rimmed eyes hidden in the shadow of his cap. He heard the muttered conversations around him and felt concerned eyes upon him but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He was drowning in a sea of emotions and he was struggling to surface for air. He was doing his best to carry on as normal. He showered, forced food down his throat, admittedly because Chakwas had threatened to restrain him and force feed him if he didn't, he did his shift on the bridge and he sat with Shepard. Sleep, however, was something else. Even with the threat from Chakwas that she would sedate him he couldn't bring himself to close his eyes, there were too many horrors in the dark.

He knew he should be on the bridge but he'd needed to find somewhere there wasn't a window. Every time he glanced out into the void all he could see was Shepard being spaced. Memories of the first time mixed in with recent events conspired to provide him with countless images of her death. He'd pictured her burning up, turning to ice, suffocating, silently screaming in agony as she was exposed to space without her helmet. There was a never ending barrage of nightmare material. Except these weren't nightmares. These were waking dreams and they were slowly driving him insane.

'Joker?'

He glanced sideways to see Garrus standing beside him, he hadn't heard him come in. He couldn't bring himself to speak, every time he tried his throat closed over and bile rose. His head pounded with pain and he let it. His body cried out for sleep but he ignored it and the fuzzy, grey miasma that was his mind grew thicker, his thoughts fought to escape but they were dragged down, smothered and destroyed.

Garrus looked at the crew and motioned for them to leave as he opened the communication channel on his omnitool. He was truly concerned for someone he had come to consider a very good friend and he knew Shepard would kill him if he didn't watch over him.

'Joker, you can't keep this up,' he placed his talon gently on Joker's shoulder but it was shrugged off angrily. 'You need to sleep.' Garrus lowered his head to look beneath Joker's cap.

'Six days,' Joker croaked and coughed at the dryness in his throat. 'Six days and she hasn't woken up.'

'If she wakes up right now you're in no condition to be there for her. How do you think she'll feel when she wakes up and sees you like this?'

Joker knew he was right but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. He couldn't admit to fear and despair every time he walked into the medbay, couldn't admit that going to their cabin made him break down in tears.

'Every time I close my eyes I see her being spaced, burning up, dying!' Joker pushed himself upright and glared at the Turian. 'How am I supposed to sleep through that? Everywhere I go on this ship I see her, I can smell her shampoo on the bridge, I hear her laughter in the mess.' He gulped back a sob and stumbled against the console.

'Joker,' Garrus was there to hold him up as he fell, his arms pulling Joker into his embrace. 'She'll wake up, she's Shepard, it's what she does.'

Joker could only nod as he accepted the support of a friend. He was so tired. He would welcome sleep if it wasn't so terrifying. He didn't hear the door open but he felt the prick as a needle pierced his arm. He turned in surprise and anger flared but there was no time for anything else as darkness descended. It was in that fleeting moment between waking and sleeping, as his eyes took in the image of the crucible that he had a sharp moment of clarity. His eyes closed and the moment was gone.

Garrus scooped him up and carried him to medbay where he was settled on the bed alongside Shepard. Chakwas carried out her scans with moist eyes.

'Will he be okay?' Garrus watched her and she nodded, both turned as the door opened.

'He reached breaking point?' Kaidan came to stand beside them.

'Yeah, not that he'd admit it,' Garrus scoffed. 'He's as stubborn as Shepard.'

'A few hours' sleep will help,' Chakwas worked around them and once she was satisfied she turned and looked at the two of them. 'We need to find Miranda.'

'Why?' The doubt and suspicion in Garrus's voice was obvious.

'Because nothing is happening with Shepard,' Chakwas moved to her bed and they followed. 'I'm not getting any readings, it's as if the cybernetics have healed her but can't wake her. It's as if they've stopped working.' She looked at each of them in turn, 'she's the only one I can think of that can help now.'

'Can't you wake her naturally?' Kaidan was frowning, the thought of working with a Cerberus operative, or ex Cerberus operative didn't sit well.

'I'm not sure I should,' Chakwas sighed and ran her hands through her hair. Both men could see that she was frustrated and concerned. 'I don't want to do the wrong thing and do more damage.'

There was a tense silence as the three of them looked from Shepard to Joker and back again. They needed both of them on their feet and healthy. Yes they could continue the mission, take on the Reapers and whatever they threw at them and they could probably deal with the politics of it all, but they could do it much better, quicker and easier with Shepard at the head of the charge. If Shepard was at the head she needed Joker by her side.

'I'll get Liara on it,' Kaidan sighed, 'if anyone can find Miranda she can.' He rubbed the back of his neck tiredly, he was starting to realise just how much weight Shepard had been carrying all these years and he understood just how much he had let her down. He had a new found respect for Joker and the burden he'd taken on. 'EDI can you manage the helm a while longer?'

'Of course, Major Alenko, I'm sure I can pacify Jeff's anger at us passing through a relay without him.'

Garrus chuckled and Kaidan shook his head, she was sounding more human every day. They were lucky to have her. With a last look at the two most important people in the galaxy Kaidan went to find Liara.

* * *

Joker struggled in the dark. He could sense Shepard but she was moving away, struggling, reaching out. He fought to reach her, stretching, screaming her name.

'Jeff.'

The sound of a voice grounded him and Shepard disappeared. He fought the darkness, slowly recognising the feel of a hand on his, the familiar smell of antiseptic, the lingering thickness of sedation. Chakwas had carried through on her threat.

'How long,' he croaked through dry lips although his eyes remained closed.

'Six hours,' Chakwas squeezed his fingers gently. 'You need more but I thought you might like to be awake when Miranda gets here.'

Joker's eyes shot open and he flinched as he looked directly into the light above his head. He groaned as he sat up and the room spun. It took him a moment to get his bearing and he was thankful that Chakwas was standing in front of him so he didn't fall in an undignified heap on the floor.

'Slowly, Jeff,' she rested her hand on his chest.

'Yeah, I know,' he sighed and rubbed his face. 'How is she?' He raised his head and looked across at Shepard.

'Still the same,' Chakwas stepped back as he got to his feet. 'I asked Kaidan to call in Miranda, I'm not sure what to do for her, Jeff.'

He heard the disappointment and guilt in her voice and gently placed his hand on her shoulder. He had no doubt she was doing everything she could and he knew she would feel like she'd let them down. As much as he hated the thought of Miranda being anywhere near Shepard he understood the necessity.

'Maybe Miranda will have an answer,' he squeezed her shoulder gently and she gave him a weak smile. 'How long until she gets here?'

'About an hour, I thought you might want to shower and eat, clear your head.'

He nodded in agreement before moving to Shepard's bed. She looked so calm, at peace. He hated the idea of her staying that way forever but he hated the idea of destroying it, of pulling her back into the reality of war. He needed her. Not as a saviour of the galaxy or a great warrior but as the woman who gave his life meaning, who gave him something to live for.

'Hey babe,' he brushed her hair behind her ears and caressed her cheek softly. 'I know you're tired but six days, really.' He leant down so his lips were alongside her ear, 'I can think of better ways to help you unwind for six days, if you wake up I'll prove it to you.' He closed his eyes and kissed her temple but there was no sign she'd heard him. 'Well, you're going to miss me naked in the shower, I know how you like to run your hands over my sexy body when I'm all soapy.' For a moment he was sure he sensed her presence but it was quickly gone. 'Okay, your loss,' he kissed her forehead and slowly straightened up. 'I'll be back soon.' He lingered a moment longer before nodding at Chakwas and heading for their cabin.

A short time later he returned. He had to admit he felt better, his thoughts were clear, he wasn't in pain and his emotions were back under his control. He was still tired, he could admit that but he had managed to spend time in their cabin while he showered and dressed without breaking down. That was a start. He'd checked in with EDI, got an update on their position and condition and apologised for leaving her alone on the bridge, Shepard would probably kill him for that. They were tucked in around a gas giant, venting the heat sinks while they waited for Miranda, apparently they'd dropped out of FTL the moment they'd started looking for her. He'd eaten something solid, it was still tasteless but he needed his strength, downed a coffee and was carrying another into the medbay.

'Feeling better?' Kaidan looked up from the datapad he was reading as Joker entered.

'Yeah,' Joker moved to his usual seat beside Shepard's bed, looking her over but nothing had changed. He looked up to see Kaidan reading something, his brow furrowed in concentration. 'Heavy reading?'

'Trying to get up to speed on Shepard's cybernetics,' he sighed and played with the back of his neck absently. 'As the ranking officer, medic and tech I thought I should know what's going on.'

'Good luck with that,' Joker chuckled. 'Chakwas took weeks to get her head around that stuff and still looked as confused as when she started.'

'She did warn me,' he placed the datapad on the desk and moved to the end of Shepard's bed. 'Can we trust Miranda?'

Joker knew the question was coming from Kaidan's mistrust of Cerberus and he couldn't blame him. Miranda had always been a problem for him too, he had never really trusted her. Right now though they had no choice.

'I hope so,' he knew it wasn't what Kaidan wanted to hear. 'She always said she had Shepard's best interests at heart, not that I think she had a heart sometimes. She was invested in Shepard for two years, I think that her pride won't let her see her project fail.'

'I guess that's better than nothing,' Kaidan nodded.

'Hey, I'm sorry for letting everyone down, not doing my job properly,' Joker turned his eyes towards Shepard, 'for everything, you know.'

'Joker you don't need to apologise, I don't know how you've stayed sane for so long. The pressure has to take its toll, on both of you.' Kaidan shook his head, 'she's lucky to have you by her side, you're a strong man to stand there, I don't know if I could have done it.' He chuckled, 'I guess I didn't when I had the opportunity.'

'She never held that against you, you know that right. She always said it was in your nature to react how you did. Me, I was pissed at you, Garrus just wanted to shoot you.'

'Don't remind me,' Kaidan groaned.

'Major Alenko, Miss Lawson's shuttle is requesting permission to come aboard.'

'Let her in, EDI, have James bring her to medbay.' Kaidan met Joker's eyes, 'I guess this is it.'

Joker simply nodded and took Shepard's hand in his. Behind him Chakwas and Garrus entered, not long after James ushered Miranda into the room. Joker glanced up at her. He was surprised to see dark circles around her eyes, her hair didn't have its usual tidiness about it and although she was still wearing the one piece suit she liked it was missing its Cerberus logos. In fact her whole manner and stance indicated exhaustion and defeat. She stopped at the end of Shepard's bed and was sure he saw tears in her eyes. If he did they were quickly gone as her and Chakwas spoke about Shepard.

As if she sensed the mistrust in the room Miranda brought up her omnitool and provided Chakwas and Kaidan the software they needed to share the information she was about to get from Shepard's cybernetics.

'They've stopped working,' Kaidan was the first to speak and Miranda looked at him in surprise.

'Yes,' she looked back at her readings. 'They were never designed to be a permanent solution. They were programmed to protect her systems until they could protect themselves, act like an internal barrier against serious injury or trauma until her body could function completely on its own. Once that point was reached they became like any other artificial limb or transplanted organ.'

'They've been under added pressure because she had to be woken up earlier than planned.' Kaidan was busy reading the data so didn't see the wide eyed stare she gave him. 'This latest attack on her system has tasked them beyond capacity. They've sent out their army of nanotech but don't have the ability to turn it off.'

'Yes, the influx of Reaper tech forced them to release high levels of sedatives prior to releasing the repair protocols which should have then reversed the process once she was healed. Because the system has registered her body as fully healed and functional it's shut down before triggering the reversal. The sedatives haven't broken down as quickly as they should and stimulants haven't been triggered. Damn the Illusive Man for ordering this.' She cursed angrily and everyone in the room stared at her. 'I don't work for him any more, thanks to Shepard opening my eyes.' She looked from one to the other before looking back at Shepard, 'I'd really like to thank her for that.'

'So what does all this mean?' As much as he was relieved at Miranda's admission Joker was still in the dark as to what they could do.

'The parameters of their programming have been reached, her body is fully capable of healing itself now so her cybernetics have ceased functioning.' Miranda checked her data, 'unfortunately it happened while they were clearing her system of Reaper tech.'

'So the Reaper tech is completely gone from her system,' Joker needed to hear her say it.

'Yes, they have healed her completely, it's amazing really. I've seen the results of his work and I've been unable to reverse it, the patients all died or had to be put down.'

'She's not a lab rat and neither were they,' Joker glared at her and she looked contrite which surprised him.

'You're right, and I didn't mean it to sound that way. We made them as comfortable as possible and treated them all with respect.' She made some adjustments on her omnitool, leaning towards Kaidan as she did so, 'if we alter the programming here then the remaining tech will cease to function and should allow her system to return to normal.'

'So she should wake up naturally,' Dr Chakwas was looking at the data but it was obvious she didn't understand it as clearly as Miranda or Kaidan.

'Yes,' Miranda nodded as she typed in code, Kaidan watched and pointed out something else that should probably be changed. 'We could wait a few hours or …..' she pointed something out to Kaidan who nodded, 'we can bring her out with stimulants.' She finished what she was doing and looked up at Kaidan, 'I'm impressed with your knowledge Major.'

'I've had a lot of years to study tech in all its forms, it's a hobby of sorts,' he shrugged and she smiled at him.

Joker was watching them interact but a movement under his fingers made him jump and stand up. 'She moved.'

Chakwas was quickly beside her running scans and the smile on her face told him all he needed to know. Miranda hurriedly joined her and ran her own scans as Shepard stirred beneath them.

'That was quick,' Garrus commented but everyone was too focused on Shepard to respond.

Joker watched as she opened her eyes and he saw fear and confusion as she glanced around the room. Her eyes met his and she let out a hoarse cry before jumping into his arms and burying her face in his neck. He could feel tears running down his neck as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her trembling body against him. He didn't hear everyone else leave the room as he gently climbed onto the bed beside her and held her as she gradually came back to reality.


	66. Chapter 66

**** 66 ****

Joker focused on getting them to the relay, it was instinctive and he found his thoughts wanting to wander. He forced them down, now wasn't the time. He felt a little guilty about neglecting his duty while Shepard was unconscious. He'd made her a promise and he felt like he'd broken it. They hadn't spoken about it but it was playing on his mind. It had taken them an extra couple of days to reach their destination and he'd made sure he was at his station for most of that, but that didn't stop him from feeling like he'd let her down.

'Relay in 5, 4, 3, …' He felt the transition just like he always did, the familiar sensation of nothing and then something as reality kicked in. 'Transition complete, board is green,' he announced, purely because it was procedure.

He was a little confused, they were supposed to be meeting a quarian envoy ship but nothing was showing up on his screens.

'They're late,' he commented as he settled the ship, powered down but ready to leave at a moment's notice. They'd already been chased out of several systems by Reapers that seemed to pick up on their scans.

'I don't believe so,' EDI sounded puzzled and Joker jumped as a ship suddenly appeared on his screen.

'What the …' he brought up the ship on his monitors. It appeared to be venting heat but its hull temperature was low. 'How long have the quarians had stealth capability?'

'Unknown,' she was busy taking readings and adding them to the ship's database. 'I am receiving a message on a tight beam transmission.'

'Seriously,' Joker shook his head, seemed the quarians had been busy in their little corner of the galaxy. He acknowledged the message and commenced the docking procedure. 'Commander, we're about to dock with the quarians.'

'Roger that, have them brought to the war room.'

Joker frowned. To say he was concerned about Shepard was an understatement. She'd told them she didn't remember anything after being overwhelmed by Cerberus troops. She was lying. She knew that he knew she was lying. He'd seen it in her eyes the moment she'd woken up. He wanted to shake her, make her talk to him about it but he hadn't. He was second guessing himself over that decision. Instead, he'd sat beside her when he was off duty during the two days Chakwas had kept her in medbay. He'd held her hand, told her he loved her and made small talk. She gripped his hand, told him she loved him, gave him weak smiles and tried to make him believe she was okay. She'd managed to convince them that she needed to be working, needed to focus on something other than what had happened. Chakwas had reluctantly allowed her to return to active duty.

Joker wasn't so sure she should have. When Shepard was on duty she appeared normal, smiled and joked, carried on as if nothing had happened. She'd even spoken to Miranda as if they were friends, asked her if she wanted to stay on board. As much as he owed her for helping Shepard, again, Joker was relieved she hadn't. In those quiet moments when Shepard thought no-one was looking her eyes told a different story. Joker had seen through her false bravado, so had Garrus, Chakwas and even Kaidan. Every time they asked if she was okay she clamped down harder, yelled at them to leave her alone. Joker knew her fears were eating her up inside but there was nothing he could do to help her. He felt like he'd let her down even more and he was frustrated with both himself and her.

He'd decided to just be there, no questions or trying to talk about it and she seemed to appreciate that. When she woke up gasping for breath, shaking and sweating he held her, comforted her and eased her fears until she went back to sleep. Sleep was getting harder to come by so she lay awake, silently resting against him, holding on to him like he was all that was keeping her sane. He held her tight, wrapped her in the safety of his arms, but every day he had to let her go, watch her struggle to control her fear and it was killing both of them. As strong as she was at some point she would break, he just had to be ready for that.

The soft clunk as the docking tube attached brought him back to the present. Kaidan was making his way to the airlock as the decontamination program began. Joker glanced over his shoulder as the lock opened and the quarians boarded and were led away. One of them paused, glanced his way and waved and he grinned as Tali quickly caught up with the others. Another friendly face, Shepard would be glad to see the young woman she'd often referred to as her younger sister. Maybe Tali could get Shepard to open up.

It didn't seem long before the quarians were leaving, all except one of the Admirals and Tali and Joker knew she'd be heading down to engineering. She loved this ship almost as much as he did and having her back was certainly a bonus. He was pretty sure Adams would be glad to see her too.

'Joker, set course for Rannoch,' Shepard came up behind him and he glanced up at her as she stood beside him.

'Aye, aye,' he punched in the co-ordinates and set them in motion. Her hand was on his shoulder but she was staring out the view port and he felt her shudder, 'you okay?' He looked up and she nodded silently. 'So, can you tell me what's happening?'

'The quarians have gone to war with the geth and we're going to help them.'

He gaped up at her in surprise and she finally looked at him. She chuckled softly and her hand brushed the side of his face. It was the first real warmth he'd seen for days and it brightened his world immeasurably.

'You're shitting me!' Joker shook his head in disbelief.

'Nope.'

'That would seem like a foolish endeavour at this time.' EDI put it politely and Joker scoffed.

'Maybe living in those suits makes them stupid,' he lined them up for the relay.

'Don't let Tali hear you say that,' Shepard actually gave him a genuine grin and he grinned back.

'It's good to have her back, the engines just don't feel right when she's not looking after them.'

'I won't tell Adams you said that,' she chuckled as she walked away.

* * *

Joker stared at his screens in absolute amazement. From their position just inside the system they could see the quarian and geth ships, and there were lots of them. They weren't kidding when they said they'd gone to war. For the quarians this would probably be their undoing, from the number of ships he could see damaged or destroyed it might well be the end of their race. What the hell were they thinking?

'What have we got, Joker?' She was armoured and ready to go but he felt the familiar pressure of her hand on his shoulder.

'Pretty much a big old shit storm,' he shook his head as EDI rattled of details, 'yeah, like I said.'

'Take us in Joker.'

Another opportunity for him to show off his skills, he couldn't help the surge of pride that passed through him. With a stretch of his arms and a flex of his fingers he flicked up the controls.

'Stealth drive engaged,' he grinned as he glanced up at her, 'the only way they'll hear us is if you all start singing the Russian national anthem.'

He heard her chuckle as she went to meet Tali, Garrus and Kaidan at the airlock, she'd started taking a larger team and he was thankful for that, meant there were more to watch her back. He glanced up at his screen and understood that if he got this wrong they might catch a stray shot or meet up with an exploding ship. His hands went to work and he welcomed the challenge as he made the jump to FTL

They came out fast, almost colliding with a quarian ship trying to outmanoeuvre a geth ship. Joker quickly moved them out of the way and wormed his way through debris, out of control ships, multiple shots and several explosions. There was no time to relax though as he pulled into the shelter of the geth dreadnaught. EDI was already at work getting them access. He brought up the view from the external camera as they moved alongside the docking tube. _Crap!_

'Commander, the docking tube is pretty torn up,' Joker felt his guts clench as he looked at the holes and damage.

'Okay, I'll go over and secure the docking area.' Joker heard her breath catch as the airlock opened and the damage became visible.

'Why not let me do this one, Shepard,' Garrus suggested but Joker knew she wouldn't.

'No, I'm fine,' she sucked in a breath and stepped off the ship. _Damn stubborn woman!_

Joker's nails were digging into his palms as he watched her slowly cross the badly damaged tube, working her way around broken supports and torn metal. He watched her suit readings and he could see her stress levels starting to rise. As she reached the first large break in the tube she stopped and Joker held his breath.

'That ship is huge,' there was a slight quiver in her voice and Joker knew she was covering her hesitation.

Joker heard EDI respond and he was relieved when she started forward again. She did the same at the next large hole, this time speaking to Tali. From Tali's response he guessed she knew what Shepard was doing. She was quiet for a while but her suit readings indicated she wasn't okay.

'How are you doing, Commander?' Joker needed to hear her voice and he suspected she needed to hear his.

'I'm okay,' she lied and he knew it.

'Take your time, we're fine until they look out a window.'

'Geth don't use windows, structural weakness, remember,' she sounded a little better and Joker tried not to let his relief show in his voice.

'Yeah, but I bet the Geth are just sitting there saying, those organics would never try the no windows thing twice.'

'Always the pessimist,' her stress levels were dropping.

'Hey, not true,' he almost grinned, 'I…'

His words were drowned out by a large crack and the Normandy jerked sideways. Shit! He quickly brought them under control but the docking tube was gone. Trying not to panic he looked up at Shepard's feed. She was flailing on the edge of the break but her mag boots held and she lurched forward.

'Shepard, are you okay?' Garrus was quicker to get his mouth into gear than Joker but there was no response.

'Commander,' Joker fought down panic that threatened to overwhelm him. Still no response. He flicked to her private channel, 'Ari, talk to me, please.'

He could hear her ragged breathing and her suit readings had gone through the roof. It sounded like she was gagging, like she was choking.

'Ari, I need you to breathe for me babe, and not like we've just had the most amazing sex ever, although every time is like that with you. Wait, maybe you should think about that, you know, how good I am, how much I turn you on, how much you love my sexy body. You'll have to come back if you want to run your hands over me, touch me in places no-one else ever has, let me do amazing things with my tongue, let me ….'

'Jeff, are you having com sex with me?' She was still breathing hard but her suit readings dropped slightly.

'It's working for me, how about you?' Joker chuckled and he had never been happier to hear her breathing slow.

'I'll show you when I get back,' she took a deep breath, 'you'd better switch back to open channels.' Joker grinned as he flicked the link open.

'While that was an unusual method of calming down Shepard it appeared to work.' EDI commented from beside him. 'It warrants further study.'

Joker felt his cheeks colour, 'ah, yeah, but how about we don't mention this to anyone.'

'Of course, Jeff,' he was sure she was smirking at him.

Between EDI and Tali they found another airlock that Shepard opened from the inside and he was extremely glad to see the team reunite. Now all they had to do was take down one of the biggest ships they'd ever taken on. Just another day in the life of Shepard really.

* * *

Joker hated the quarians. With the exception of Tali he would be very happy to see them obliterated. Not only had they gone to war but they'd dragged Shepard into it. That was sort of okay, the war effort needed their ships. Then they turn around and destroy the very ship Shepard had saved them from while she was still on board. They hadn't bothered to wait for her and her team to get clear. They could have been killed. Joker hated them for it.

If it hadn't been for Legion there was a good chance Shepard might not have made it back. So the fact that those same quarians now wanted to dock and come aboard was unbelievable. He would have been more than happy to take a page out of Javik's book and throw them out the airlock. Unfortunately Shepard had told him to let them in.

Joker knew he shouldn't but he needed to hear their excuses so he brought up the feed from the war room. He almost laughed aloud when Shepard punched Gerrel and ordered him off her ship. Take that you bastards! Joker turned to watch Kaidan escort the Admiral to the airlock and he could see that Kaidan was trying not to laugh. Once the Admiral was gone however he wasn't so restrained. He met Joker's amused stare and was still chuckling as he headed back through the CIC.

It was as if reality had disappeared as he listened to the conversation between Shepard and the quarians. They had no thought whatsoever of aiding against the Reapers, they were determined to see their own little war through and asked for more help. Joker really wished Shepard would say no, tell them to go wipe out their own people, deal with their own stupidity. He knew she wouldn't. Even a quarter of the quarian fleet would be a huge bonus against the Reapers.

So he watched and waited while Shepard and her team went to disable the server that would stop the geth fighters. Shepard had ordered him to find somewhere quiet to hide and this was one time he was more than happy to obey that order, even as he watched the geth attack quarian ships. He knew he shouldn't stereotype, that not all quarians were responsible for the decisions of their leaders, but he was having a hard time doing that. It was especially hard when his wife was now inside a geth server and they'd lost all contact with her. The only clue they had that she was still okay were the geth fighters that suddenly went dead.

While he would have been fascinated by what she was probably seeing he hated the idea that she was alone. She was completely reliant on Legion's ability to protect her. He had no doubt the AI would do just that, but what if Legion was compromised. He'd already been used by the Reapers, what if they still had their hooks in him. He rubbed his face with his hands. He had to stop thinking of what ifs. It suddenly occurred to him that he'd been referring to Legion as a 'he'. He'd been around EDI too long, that had to be it.

Eventually Shepard was back, safe and with her mind intact but before she even had time to breathe the quarians had a rescue mission they needed doing. Once again she was gone, with no time to even come and see him. His concern for her health and state of mind was growing exponentially with each mission, especially with no downtime in between. She'd assured him she was fine in the short conversations they'd had through their coms, but he doubted it. Hopefully after this mission she'd get a few hours rest, he didn't care if they didn't get time together, well, that wasn't entirely true, but he knew it was more important that she got some sleep. He was keeping his fingers crossed.


	67. Chapter 67

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of a warning, there's a bit more language in this chapter and sexy, hot stuff.

**** 67 ****

It was a good thing the arms of Joker's chair were tightly secured or they would have been severely broken and bent. His grip was tight enough to cut off circulation to his fingers, they were white around the dark leather. He didn't realise that he was holding on so tightly his arms were rigid and lifting his backside off his chair.

'What the fuck are you doing Shepard?' He was yelling at no-one in particular.

A Reaper. A fucking Reaper. He watched as the red beam of death churned the ground where Shepard had been standing. His chest burned from lack of oxygen as he waited for the debris to clear. There was a ping to his right and he felt the guns fire. The targeting laser was still painting a target so she had to be alive.

'Fuck!' he gulped in air as his heart pounded in his ears.

Taking on a Reaper. On foot. Alone. She was completely and utterly insane. Either that or she was the bravest, most determined, most stubborn woman he knew. That didn't stop the absolute terror that controlled his every thought, every movement, every breath. Shepard's suit camera has stopped working after she took a hit from a Prime during the battle to reach the hole in the ground. She'd slipped, made a mistake. Garrus had come to her rescue as she lay dazed on the ground. She was exhausted and he'd been right to be concerned. She'd been pushing herself since the incident with Cerberus, as if she had to prove she was still herself, taking on things she could have let her team handle. So now he was relying on feed from the rest of the team who were sat in the safety of the transport. He had no doubt they were as terrified as him but Legion was obeying Shepard's orders and keeping them safe. Damn that AI for taking this order so literally.

Another ping, another shot. How many times did dozens of ships have to fire on one Reaper to take it down? How many times did Shepard have to dodge death for them to do it? Another gulp of oxygen. Another curse. Another moment of absolute terror. His entire body ached. For a moment he hated her, hated the fact that she was putting him through this, making him watch. Another ping, another shot. He closed his eyes, willing it to be a dream, hoping that he'd wake up and she'd be behind him, her hand on his shoulder

Cheers broke out and he opened his eyes. The Reaper was down. Everything became surreal as the Reaper tried to make them believe it was impossible to win. It called her by name, just like others before it and Joker was both horrified and proud that his wife was at the top of the Reaper's hit list. His elbows creaked as his arms finally relaxed and his numb fingers made him wince as he uncurled them from the arms of his chair. He heard her pleading for the quarians to cease fire, to take one moment to think. He wasn't surprised when they capitulated. She was an amazing woman. He could sense her pain when Legion said goodbye.

The adrenaline was dissipating and he was shaking. The shuttle was on its way back but he needed to be somewhere else.

'EDI, you have the ship,' he stood awkwardly, the ache in his bones had nothing to do with his disease.

'Are you all right, Jeff?'

'No, I'm not,' he made his way through the CIC, ignoring the excited chatter of the crew.

They had every reason to be excited, they'd taken down a Reaper. Joker knew he should be proud and excited too, but all he could see was the red beam and Shepard being torn apart.

With no real thought on where he was going he ended up in their quarters. He paced the small area between the fish tank and the sofa as his body calmed, as the feeling returned to his fingers and the ache eased. It didn't ease the pain in his heart or the turmoil in his mind. Once again he was dealing with the idea that he could have lost her today. He knew she was a soldier, that she could die in battle, that he could accept. What she did today was an unnecessary risk, brave yes but they could have found another way. She didn't have to take it on alone.

Since she'd woken up in medbay she'd shut him out, again. She was lying to everyone, to him and that hurt. He'd stayed quiet, wanting to give her time, waiting for her to talk to him, but he was starting to doubt if that would ever happen. What was he supposed to do? If he pushed she'd push back and the thought that she'd push him away permanently scared the living daylights out of him. How could he make her understand that he was hurting too, because she was, but until she told him why he couldn't change that? What did he have to do to make her trust him, believe in him and let him be her support?

He groaned as he pushed his cap back on his head and dropped his forehead against the fish tank. The cool of the glass was calming against his hot skin. His body was coming down from the adrenaline high and he felt every muscle in his arms as the tension slowly wore off. He didn't want to calm down, he wanted to be angry, to face Shepard. He heard the whoosh of the door but he didn't need to look up to know who it was. There was only one thing he needed to know.

'Why?' He spun towards her, taking in the exhaustion in her stance, the blood and dust on her armour, but there was no holding back. 'A fucking Reaper! Why did you have to take on a fucking Reaper alone, on foot? Were you deliberately trying to get yourself killed? That was reckless, even for you! I watched you go down when that Prime hit, I watched you disappear into that red fucking beam three times, not knowing if you were still alive.' He stepped towards her, his body tense as he glared at her across the room. 'Why the fuck did you do that?'

'Because I had to fucking know I could!' She stepped forward and faced his anger. 'I had to know that I was in control, that these whispers in my head were my whispers, that my nightmares were my nightmares. I had to know that I wasn't indoctrinated!'

Joker gaped at her. 'That's what this is about, you thought you were indoctrinated?'

'Yes, no, I don't know,' she paced in the small space of the upper floor. 'I was scared that Cerberus had succeeded. I had these Reaper bugs crawling around my insides,' she visibly shivered and Joker was beginning to understand her fear, 'they could have done something that wasn't obvious. I've been in contact with Reaper bits and pieces so many times maybe that was the final straw for them taking me over. I felt different, strange, when I woke up and I was afraid that I wasn't myself. I was afraid of hurting everyone,' she stopped pacing and looked down at her gloved hands. 'I was afraid that someone I loved might have to kill me and of what that would do to them.'

'So you single-handedly took on a Reaper?' He looked at her wide eyed, 'there are other ways to find out.'

'I know,' she sighed and sat down on the steps, rested her elbows on her knees, laced her fingers together and stared at the floor. 'What was I supposed to do? I was spaced, again, I was just aware enough to know that. I'm having nightmares every night, my thoughts are so confused and I'm arguing with myself. If I mentioned it to Chakwas she would have had to include it in her reports and I could have been relieved of command. I thought I could deal with it, work it out in my head but then I realised that if I was indoctrinated it would be a futile argument.'

'So the Reaper?'

'I figured that if I was indoctrinated then I wouldn't be able to take it down,' she huffed a laugh, 'on the second shot I realised that there are so many of them they'd probably sacrifice one to keep me alive and in command. I had no choice then, I had to take it down.'

'You know paranoia can be just as dangerous as indoctrination,' Joker folded his arms across his chest and leaned back on his hip. 'So are you?' He raised his eyebrows as she looked up at him, 'indoctrinated?'

'You tell me.'

Joker sighed and shook his head as he moved to sit beside her. 'Did it ever occur to you that you felt different because your cybernetics have stopped working, because you're back to being normal instead of super human.' She grimaced at him and he chuckled. 'Ari, you have to believe that everyone on this ship is watching out for you, that we would know if you were indoctrinated.' He reached for her hand, removed her glove and laced his fingers through hers. 'I promise that the minute you start sprouting about big giant cuttlefish gods we'll lock you up, sedate you, or do whatever we have to do to stop you from handing us over.'

'I'm sorry,' she dropped her head onto his shoulder, 'I shut you out again, didn't I.'

'Yeah, and it hurt, you shut everyone out, lied to us,' he wasn't going to lie to her, she needed the truth. 'I'm here for you, Ari. I love you and I need you to trust me as much with your fears as you do with your life when I'm pulling your gorgeous ass out of the fire.' He lifted her face so he could meet her eyes, 'can you do that?'

'I'm trying,' she blinked back tears and he nodded, it was the truth. 'When did you become Dr Know It All?'

'When I married this insane, batshit crazy, lady who makes me face my fears and emotions every day. It's only fair I return the favour.'

She chuckled and kissed him before dropping her head back onto his shoulder. They sat in silence for a while, simply enjoying each other's company.

'I took down a Reaper today,' Joker could feel her grin.

'Yes you did.'

'I brokered peace between the quarians and the geth today.'

'Yes you did.'

'I lost Legion today,' she tightened her grip on his fingers.

'I know, I'm sorry Ari.'

'He sacrificed himself for his people,' she sighed and he squeezed her fingers. 'I guess he'll live on in the geth but he was an individual when he died, he referred to himself in the singular.'

'We'll make sure his sacrifice is honoured along with everyone else.'

'Yes we will,' she sat up stretched. 'I need to get out of this armour and take a shower.'

'Want some help,' Joker waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'I believe I was going to show you how your com sex had worked,' she stood up and pulled him to his feet.

'I thought you'd forgotten about that, with everything else.' He started working on the clips of her armour.

'Forget about the amazing things you can do with your tongue,' her eyes burned with lust, the fear was gone and he hoped it wouldn't be back. 'I do believe those were your words, and not likely.'

'I did say that, didn't I,' his body responded the only way it knew how at the thought of his mouth in places only he was allowed to go.

'Time to prove it,' she whispered against his ear as her armour dropped away and she led him into the bathroom.

* * *

Joker watched the woman he loved through sleepy eyes as she slept beside him. It was a while since he'd seen her so relaxed, even in sleep. Her hair framed her face, the worry lines around her eyes were gone, her lips relaxed into a half smile and he so desperately wanted to kiss them. _God, she's beautiful._ He wanted to brush the lock of hair from her cheek, he wanted to look into her gorgeous eyes and see her caring soul looking back, but she needed sleep.

He lay on his pillow, his arm tucked underneath to give him some height and couldn't pull his eyes away. He smiled as he thought about the shower, then the wonderfully passionate sex before they'd both dropped off to sleep. If com sex was responsible he'd have to do it more often. He shifted his hip to take the pressure off his growing erection. There was no hope for him, just thinking about her was enough to make his body respond.

He glanced up at the clock, they still had a few hours before they were back on duty, he should be sleeping. Shepard had informed EDI as they headed for the shower earlier that they were both off duty for the next eight hours. They weren't needed to help with the rescue and aid for the quarians, the crew could handle that. He was thankful that they finally had some time together, especially after she'd admitted her fears to him. It was a relief to finally have things out in the open, to ease her burden.

She moaned softly and he smiled as she moved closer and snuggled against his chest, his arms automatically wrapping themselves around her. He buried his nose in her hair, kissed the top of her head lightly and settled alongside her, his eyes drifted closed as he inhaled the familiar scent of her shampoo.

* * *

Shepard slowly became aware of a heartbeat against her ear, she was tucked up against a solid chest and arms encased her securely. She smiled as she realised where she was and tucked herself even tighter against the man she loved. This was how she loved to wake up and she'd missed it in the last few days. It was her fault and she knew it. She had pushed him away again but he still kept coming back. She loved him so desperately it was sometimes hard to breathe, especially when he looked at her lustfully with his beautiful green eyes. She knew the pleasure he felt every time her breath caught and he smiled knowingly. He was smug about it too and she adored him even more for that.

She hated the fact that she'd hurt him again, it wasn't deliberate it was just who she was. She'd always found it hard to let people see her when she was vulnerable. She had started to let Joker in but there were still times when she closed off, even from him and she cursed herself for it. He didn't deserve that. She was trying but the incident with Cerberus had scared her like nothing before. She was afraid of what she would do or what she would cause others to do. She felt like she'd lost total control and she was terrified. Rather than admit to that she'd forced herself to ignore it, not realising the pain she caused the man beside her. How did he deal with her? How could he still love her so much? He was an amazing man in so many ways and she was so thankful he was hers.

She wrapped her arm around him and sucked in a breath as her nipples rubbed up against his bare chest. There was no controlling her body's reaction, she lost herself in the feel of him and heat pooled between her legs as nerves came to life. She felt movement against her thigh and realised that he was responding to her closeness even in sleep. She grinned and tilted her head back so she could see his face. The softness she saw there amazed her, he was usually so serious, so focused. He was a strikingly handsome man and she was glad no other woman had taken the time to discover the soft, wonderful soul underneath his sarcasm and protective barriers.

She knew he needed to sleep but she couldn't resist running her fingers through his beard and across his lips that were so tender and exciting. She was overwhelmed by the emotions that washed over her and her eyes watered but she didn't want to hide it, or fight it. _I love you, you wonderful, sexy man._ She watched as his eyes slowly opened, as the brilliant green focused and found hers. There was so much passion and love looking out at her that she almost gasped.

'Hey you,' he whispered hoarsely.

'Hey yourself,' she forced the words through her tightened throat, her eyes locked with his and her heart raced as he claimed her lips. This was heaven and she never wanted to leave.

* * *

Joker claimed her lips tenderly. He'd opened his eyes to meet hers and was overcome with desire at the love he saw staring back at him. As she kissed him back and moved her hips so she was rubbing against him he wondered how he'd ever managed to attract a woman like her. As she lifted her leg over his and his erection met her wetness he moaned, silently thanking the heavens for making it happen. As he slipped inside her and heard her gasp he knew there was no other place he ever wanted to be, no other woman he ever wanted to be with. She was his forever.

His lips never left hers as he softly slid his hand down and cupped her backside, pulling her tighter against him, lifting her slightly, allowing him better access. As she took all of him in and held him there he fought to breathe. This wasn't just sex, this was so much more. The line between the physical and the emotional disappeared as they melded and became pure bliss. As they slowly moved in rhythm it was as if they were one person, one soul, joined in a way only lovers could be. He had never known it could be like this and now that he did he could never go back to anything less.

She moaned and opened her lips to him, his tongue entering her mouth matched the slow rhythmic movements of their hips and only heightened the sensations. He felt her heart beating in time with his, her breathing as rapid as his, her fingers gripping him as he tightened his hold. As she tightened around him, quivered and cried out in release he exploded in both body and mind. His hoarse cries and his tight grip matched the euphoric fireworks display going on in his head. He fought to get oxygen into his lungs as he finally relinquished his claim on her lips, burying his face in her neck as she clung to him, breathing erratically and shaking all over.

'Fuck!' he whispered, it was like the first time all over again without the nerves.

'Yeah,' she chuckled between deep breaths.

Joker held her close, still held tightly inside her, not wanting to lose the intimacy. As if sensing his thoughts she wrapped her leg tighter, pulling his thigh between hers, holding him inside as she placed soft kisses on his shoulder. He knew he couldn't stay like this for too long but he had no intention of moving until he had to. He tucked his hand under her hip, his arm tight against her backside as she settled against him and effectively stopped him from moving. His eyes refused to stay open and sleep finally took them both as they lay physically and emotionally locked together.


	68. Chapter 68

**** 68 ****

Joker stared at the image of the crucible he'd brought up on his screens. They were headed back to the Caleston Rift to start their search for Dr Garneau so he didn't have much to do while they were in FTL. He'd taken it upon himself to keep up with what was happening on and off the ship. Shepard rarely had the time to spend wading through external reports or incoming news feeds and Traynor was focused on Alliance and allied channels, so he delegated the task to himself. It was getting more difficult as com buoys disappeared but he did what he could. If there was anything worthy of Shepard's attention he made sure she knew about it. The first time he'd showed her a report on outside happenings she looked up at him with teary eyes and a soft smile, brushed his face with her fingers and asked if he knew how much she loved him. It made spending hours searching through what was sometimes gibberish worth it.

Now he sat pondering the Crucible. Something had been nagging at him, a memory of standing in front of the Crucible holo in the war room while Shepard was comatose. It was annoying him that he couldn't remember what it was and he hoped that looking at the image might trigger something, anything, to get the frustration out of his head.

They'd had a quiet few days as they travelled back from the Far Rim, which had been good for everyone. Shepard had ordered every crew member to learn the basics of what the person sitting beside them was doing and he could see the sense in that. They had left Earth with a skeleton crew and only picked up a few additions along the way, having each crew member able to do two jobs would be very helpful. She had pulled Westmoreland and Campbell out of the little hole they'd been stuck in, put them under James' command and told them to check all weapons and find every possible security hole on the ship. James had been completely surprised but she'd told him to consider it part of his N7 training, quietly of course so she kept his secret. Joker knew she was proud of the burly marine and wanted to see him succeed. She'd also had James and Steve set up a target range in the cargo bay and made sure everyone was rostered through for arms practice.

She seemed to have a new sense of purpose and she was asking his opinion on things she would normally work through herself. She was having daily meetings with her officers, something she'd done before but now she was sharing her thoughts, ideas and plans with them openly instead of waiting until she had everything worked out in her head. The idea that she could be unable to command seemed to have hit with a vengeance and she was making sure there would be no hesitation if someone else had to take over.

While he appreciated and understood her motivation it bothered him a little that the Crucible was being overlooked. Everyone was relying on Hackett and the scientists to handle it, to work out what it was supposed to do. He'd seen the reports coming in and while they were well advanced with its construction no one had actually said what it would do. What if it blew everything to pieces as it took down the Reapers? What if it was a trap and they were willingly falling into it? What if it did nothing, if it was just something to keep them busy using resources so they couldn't be used in the fight against the Reapers?

Agh! Too many what ifs! Joker sighed and dropped his head back against his headrest. Maybe he was just overthinking it, he should just leave it to the eggheads who had the brains for this stuff. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his head and that's when it hit him. With a jolt he sat upright and stared wide eyed at the image.

'Jeff, are you all right?' EDI was looking at him in concern.

'Yeah,' he waved his hand at her absently. 'EDI, do you have any idea what the Crucible does, how it works?'

'I have not actively considered it but there has been a great deal of speculation about it. The general consensus is that it will destroy the Reapers somehow.'

'I know that,' he rolled his eyes at her, 'but how will it destroy the Reapers? What else will be destroyed along with them?' He turned to look at her and he could almost see her thought processes working as she stared absently at the screens in front of her.

'There does not seem to be any final agreement on how it will work. Several ideas have been put forward, the idea that it will control or destroy any Reaper based technology seems to be the most prominent.'

'So we have yet to find the Catalyst to make it work and when it does we have no idea exactly what will happen.' Joker shook his head and looked back at the image of the Crucible. 'The mass relays, the Citadel, the Geth and you all contain some sort of Reaper tech.' He looked back at EDI, 'what happens if it destroys you?'

EDI blinked and Joker was sure he saw fear flick across her face, 'I have not considered that outcome.'

'Has anyone else?' He watched her blank stare as she processed the thought.

'I have found a reference to the possibility in an early report but it seems to have been overlooked in the urgency to complete the Crucible.'

'The instructions for this thing are written in prothean aren't they?' He watched as she nodded. 'Are we sure the translations are correct? Has anyone thought to ask Javik to make sure, he is prothean?'

'I believe the Asari translations are accurate but I do not believe Javik has looked at the plans since his awakening.'

'Maybe we should ask him.'

'Perhaps that might be beneficial, although it might be better if the request came from Shepard. I do not think he likes me.' There was an almost childlike tone to her voice and Joker had to stop himself from laughing. There were times he forgot she was pretty much a child in many ways, a very intelligent, very powerful child.

'Commander,' Joker activated the com, 'can you meet me in the war room, and you might want to bring the team.'

'Okay, what's going on?' She sounded surprised and Joker chuckled.

'EDI and I have discovered something,' he could just see her frowning and puzzling over the thought. 'Can you also make sure Javik joins us please?'

'Be there in five minutes,' he could hear her working on her omni-tool.

'Are you okay to take the helm and still be involved,' Joker glanced at EDI.

'If I accidentally fly us into a sun I'm sure you'll be the first to know.'

Joker shook his head with a grin as he pulled himself out of his chair and headed for the war room. EDI was picking up some of his sarcasm and as proud as he was of that he hoped she understood when, where and with whom she could use it.

'Traynor, follow me,' he waved the specialist over as he was about to enter the war room. For a moment he thought she was going to hit him with twenty questions as she was known to do but she simply took a deep breath and followed him.

Joker slowly paced as he waited for everyone to arrive, his eyes constantly glancing up at the holo of the Crucible. Surely he wasn't the only one to come up with these conclusions. With the brain trust working on this project there had to be someone who had shared his ideas, other than one scientist who put it in his report and was seemingly ignored.

'What's going on Joker?' Shepard asked as she walked through the door.

'Just something I've been discussing with EDI and wanted to share,' he chuckled as her brow furrowed. 'I promise it's worth five minutes of your time.'

He turned as the door opened and the rest of the team walked in. Suddenly he was a little unsure, he wasn't one for public speaking and although these people were his friends and crew he couldn't help the doubt that washed over him. These were intelligent people and maybe he was about to show just how dumb he was in comparison. As if sensing his thoughts Shepard gave his hand a gentle squeeze and he smiled at her in gratitude. Javik was the last to enter and Joker wasn't sure if he was glaring at them as he took a spot opposite him. He hadn't had a lot to do with the prothean, partly because he spent most of his time in his room, away from the overwhelming sensations of those around him. Joker almost felt sorry for him, having that kind of sensory awareness couldn't be easy. Shepard squeezed his hand again and he pulled his thoughts back under control. He cleared his throat as he looked at the questioning, confused faces around him.

'I know you've all been busy on missions and dealing with the crap associated with this war but has anyone stopped to study the Crucible, I mean really study it.'

'Haven't had time.'

'Isn't that what Hackett's team is doing?'

'Not really.'

'Sort of.'

'Why?'

It was a multitude of responses at the same time and Joker couldn't help but chuckle as they all spoke over each other.

'What's the problem, Joker?' Shepard spoke over them all and the room went quiet.

'EDI and I have been reading the reports, studying the plans and current theories on what this thing is supposed to do and no one seems to know. Apparently the most popular idea is that it will either control or destroy Reapers and Reaper tech.' He waited for a moment to see if anyone got the hint. Liara's eyes widened, Shepard was nodding but everyone else seemed slow to catch on. 'Mass relays, the Citadel, the Geth and EDI?' He saw the look of realisation slowly dawn. 'What happens if all of that is destroyed?'

There was a deathly silence in the room before all hell broke loose. He leaned against the console and folded his hands across his chest as everyone once again tried to talk over each other, throwing ideas and concerns at no one in particular. He jumped and so did everyone else as a loud whistle echoed around the room. He grinned as they shut up and all eyes fell on Shepard.

'I really need you to teach me how to do that,' he straightened up as he raised his eyebrows at her.

'I know this is important but isn't this what Hackett and his team are working on?' She shook her head at his off topic comment.

'You'd think so but apparently not, other than it will hopefully destroy the Reapers. They are focused on building the thing, it seems worrying about what it does isn't important until it's finished.' Joker brought up the list of reports relating to the purpose and function of the Crucible. It was a short list. 'These reports are the only ones that mention how it could possibly work and what it might do.' He highlighted the second report, 'this is the only one that mentions anything about what would be destroyed if the Crucible wipes out Reaper tech along with the Reapers, the geth aren't mentioned and neither is EDI because whoever wrote it didn't know about them at the time.'

'That report is over two months old,' Garrus pointed out. 'You're not telling me the idea hasn't been raised since.'

'It might have been discussed over dinner,' Joker shrugged. 'But that doesn't make it into reports for everyone to think about.'

'Okay, so we let Hackett know about this,' Kaidan suggested.

'Yeah, we can do that but there is something else that's been bugging me,' Joker nodded and looked at Javik. 'This is written in prothean and translated using the asari translations. How do we know it's right?'

'My people have studied the protheans for centuries,' Liara jumped to their defence.

'I'm not saying they haven't, or that they're wrong,' Joker waved her down. 'What I'm saying is why don't we ask Javik, a living breathing prothean, to make sure the translation is correct. There might be something in there that hasn't been translated correctly or not at all. Unless of course we just waste this particular resource, no offence, Javik, and wait until it's too late.'

'I am not a scientist,' Javik pointed out.

'You don't need to be, I'm not suggesting you do the math and explain the science, just the words. What if gun should be run? One word can make a lot of difference.'

'I can help,' Traynor spoke softly and everyone turned towards her. 'I can create a program to help with the translation, to speed up the process.' Joker smiled to himself, she was quiet and hesitant but she was brilliant at her job.

'I can provide the asari translations of the prothean language if Javik is willing to check them for accuracy,' Liara added.

'I can assist in putting the data together,' EDI spoke from above. 'And I should add that Jeff was the one who pointed out these issues, I only gave support.' Everyone looked at him and he rolled his eyes at the ceiling.

'All right, just in case this has slipped through the cracks and Hackett's team hasn't thought about it we'll check it out.' Shepard sighed and leaned on the console, her gaze glued to the image of the Crucible. 'Traynor and Liara, you work with Javik, assuming you're happy to do so,' she glanced at the prothean who nodded. 'Kaidan, gather all this information and send Hackett the report. We need a contingency plan just in case the Citadel and relays are destroyed, we're going to have a lot of allied ships a long way from home and supplies will be an issue. I don't want to lose the geth or EDI now that they've found humanity either. Don't neglect your other duties, we still have a war to fight, but if you have ideas you think can help send them to Joker, he's the lead on this.' Shepard looked around as nods and agreement were forthcoming. 'Dismissed.'

Joker went to leave but she held him back. He stood beside her as everyone else filed out, stopping to pat him on the back in acknowledgement and praise. Kaidan stayed and Javik was the last to leave. The prothean stopped and stared at Joker who wasn't sure which pair of eyes he should be looking at.

'In my cycle you would have been killed at birth,' he met Joker's wide eyed stare, 'they would have been wrong.' With a nod he turned and left.

'Well, at least he didn't want to throw me out the air lock,' Joker chuckled.

'Do you know how proud I am of you,' Shepard beamed at him.

'Want to show me,' he pulled her into his chest and would have kissed her but Kaidan cleared his throat behind him. Joker sighed and dropped his forehead onto hers, 'maybe later.'

'Maybe,' she laughed at his disappointment, kissed his cheek lightly and left the room.

'All right, Joker,' Kaidan was smirking beside him, 'show me what you've got.'

* * *

'Joker, Admiral Hackett is asking to speak to you on vidcom,' Traynor spoke into his ear.

'Okay,' Joker's hesitation was obvious and she chuckled. It was a few days since the report on his findings had been sent but as far as he knew nothing had come back.

'He can't bite you through the QEC.'

'No, but he has a nasty bark,' Joker got to his feet and headed towards the war room.

He'd never been called into the communication room before and he was a little worried. He'd spoken to Anderson through the internal coms when he'd been available but this was his first face to face with Hackett since Shepard's arrest, before the Reapers arrived. Nerves made his hands shake as he pushed the ready button.

'Flight Lieutenant Moreau,' Hackett's image appeared before him and he instinctively snapped to attention and saluted. 'At ease, Joker,' the admiral chuckled and Joker relaxed a little.

'Admiral, is something wrong?'

'No, I want to congratulate you on pointing out something so blatantly obvious that we missed it. That was good work.'

'Ah, thank you sir,' Joker was a little confused and surprised. 'I'm sure someone would have noticed it.'

'Maybe, but no one did,' the admiral laughed and Joker stood completely at ease. 'You should have seen their faces when I asked the brains in this place if they'd thought about the points you'd raised.' He shook his head, 'they looked at me like I'd taken away their funding or their prized experiments. At least now we've got a few people working on the problem. Having Javik confirm the translations was smart thinking.'

'I'm glad I could help, sir,' Joker chuckled.

'How's the Normandy doing, I've received a couple of reports from Adams about things that need fixing.'

'As well as could be expected, sir. She'll probably need another refit by the time this is over but she's doing okay.'

'It's a pity her refit wasn't completed before you left Earth, I'm sure there are a few problems related to that.' Hackett was looking at him for confirmation and Joker knew he couldn't lie to this man.

'She's a bit sluggish sometimes, a few of the couplings aren't taking a full load so we're using secondary systems where we have to. Adams can't replace them while we're in flight without leaving us dead in the water.' Joker shrugged, 'we're working around them. I can compensate.'

'What about Shepard?'

Joker knew he asked out of genuine concern but the thought of her being relieved of command because of something he said worried him.

'She's fine, sir,' he pulled himself erect as if to emphasise his point.

'I'm sure she is,' the older man smiled softly, 'she has to be feeling the pressure though. Is she sleeping?'

'Mostly,' Joker sighed, knowing he couldn't hide the truth. 'But the pressure is taking its toll and we don't get a lot of down time usually. The trip to the Far Rim has been a blessing in disguise, it's given us a little time to relax.' Joker smirked and continued, 'if she finds out I told you she'll kill me.'

'Your secret is safe with me, Lieutenant.' Hackett laughed, 'make sure you take care of her, we need her out there and we need her healthy. Hackett out.'

Joker gave a final salute as the holo faded and took a deep breath as he leaned against the control console. He hoped he hadn't just put his foot in it because he knew Shepard would not be happy if she found out about this conversation.


	69. Chapter 69

**** 69 ****

The Normandy was quiet. There was sense of foreboding hanging over everyone and everything. Joker was twitchy and the hairs on the back of his neck were definitely standing up. They were waiting for an Alliance ship to arrive, to handle the survivors of Mahavid, although how you handled losing ten years of your life was a mystery to him. Shepard had only lost two, admittedly she'd died, but lost time was something you never got back and it had haunted her for a long time. He thought of Javik, how did he cope with losing fifty thousand years, it was beyond comprehension. However, that wasn't the worst of it.

To discover that some kind of ancient Reaper had been controlling these people for ten years, that one of their instruments for that control was sitting on the Citadel was disconcerting to say the least. How many more of these things were there, how many people did they have under their control? One enemy was fine, thank you very much, to have two powerful unknowns was frightening. Joker was concerned that this was only going to aggravate Shepard's fears again. The thought that something else was able to take control would quite possibly be freaking her out. He had no doubt she'd control it but it would be there.

Joker looked at his console as a ping alerted him to an approaching ship. He relaxed when an Alliance recognition code appeared and smiled when he realised which ship it was.

'Commander, the Alliance rescue is here.'

'Roger that, organise the docking and I'll be up in five.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' Joker grinned and opened the ship to ship com. 'SSV Orizaba, this is SSV Normandy, requesting hard dock for transfer of refugees.'

'Roger, Normandy, commence dock.'

Joker loved his job. Moments like these made it extra special. Anyone who thought docking two ships in space was easy obviously hadn't done it. The pilots on both ships had to keep their ship locked on trajectory, line up two small ports and make sure that lock was secure once it was in place. The slightest move in the wrong direction could bring the two ships crashing together or pull them away and rip apart the tenuous connection between them.

Joker waited for the Orizaba to come along side then matched the Normandy's speed and angle to the other ship. Once he was confident they were matched he began the slow process of drawing closer. The trick was for one ship to stay perfectly still while the other manoeuvred into place. The Orizaba was a dreadnaught so being the bigger ship she stayed still.

'Fifty metres,' EDI informed him.

Joker dropped and rolled the Normandy gently, lining up with a flashing navigation beacon on a lower deck of the dreadnaught. His instruments showed that he was in perfect alignment but he preferred to see with his own eyes so he brought up the feed from the external cameras. Watching three views from different angles he used the port docking thrusters to give the Normandy a gentle nudge sideways, then a few seconds later a quick thrust from the starboard thrusters to slow them down.

'Twenty five metres.'

Joker didn't need EDI to tell him how far away he was, he knew, without really thinking about it, this was instinctive and he was good at his job. The Orizaba extended the docking tube as the two ships met in close quarters.

'Fifteen metres.'

There was a soft clunk as the Normandy met the Orizaba, as the two ships became joined by a narrow umbilical cord. He felt the pull when the tube made a hard lock, just as Shepard came up behind him and stopped at the airlock. Three small docking clamps extended from the dreadnaught and clamped on to the nose, midsection and wing of the Normandy.

'We have you secured and docked, Normandy.'

'Powering down,' Joker shut down the Normandy's engines and thrusters.

'Nice work, Normandy, permission to come aboard.'

'Roger that,' Joker deliberately left out the ship's name and heard a chuckle on the other end of the com. 'EDI, you have control.'

He was grinning as he spun his chair and got to his feet. Shepard looked at him in confusion but quickly pulled her eyes forward and stood erect as the airlock cycled open. The look of surprise on her face was priceless and Joker's eyes watered as he watched the relief and joy wash over her before her commander face was back in place.

'Permission to come aboard,' the female voice in the airlock was shaky.

'Granted, welcome to the Normandy,' Shepard's voice was croaky and Joker chuckled.

Captain Hannah Shepard stepped foot onto the Normandy and stopped before its commander. As one they saluted, laughed and pulled each other into a hug. There were chuckles from the surrounding crew and Joker sighed in relief.

'Mum.' Shepard was fighting back emotion as she released her hold, 'we didn't know what happened to you, to your ship. Hackett said you disappeared after the attack on Arcturus.'

'It's a long story,' she sighed and smiled. 'I promise to tell you about it, maybe we can have dinner.' She looked sideways at Joker who snapped to attention and saluted. 'Really Joker, I thought we were past that.'

Joker shrugged and chuckled and was surprised when Hannah stepped forward and hugged him too. He returned the hug that was somewhat painful for him, he'd never get to hug his mother like this. As if sensing his thoughts Hannah pulled back and looked at him.

'I'm sorry about your mother. I met her you know,' she chuckled at his wide eyes stare. 'I found out she was on Arcturus so I went looking for her when we docked, I wanted to let her know you were okay. She was a very good engineer, solved a couple of problems my crew were having. We had dinner before we shipped out. She was a lovely woman.'

Joker just nodded. Words were too painful and he felt the gentle squeeze of his hand as Hannah stepped away. He couldn't get over the Shepard women. They genuinely cared for the people around them, felt their pain. It was inspiring and a little intimidating, it was a lot to live up to. He was honoured to be considered part of their family and terrified that he would let them down.

'Now, show me your ship,' Hannah put her arm through her daughters and they headed towards the CIC.

* * *

Joker was sitting in his chair, not really doing anything but feeling the need to stay at the helm just in case. Everything was running smoothly. The refugees had been transferred to the medical bay on the Orizaba, the officers of both ships had gathered for a mission briefing and shortly he would be heading over to the Orizaba for dinner with the two Shepard women.

Both crews had been given permission to visit friends or family on either ship and there had been a steady stream of Orizaba crew wandering on and off the Normandy. James, Westmoreland and Campbell were on security detail and Joker had laughed when James had come up to the bridge, complaining about how they weren't a tourist attraction. It seemed everyone wanted to say they'd been on the Normandy. There was a great deal of pride attached to the thought.

'Still as busy as ever I see.' Joker spun in his seat, a grin breaking out as he looked at the officer leaning against the bulkhead.

'Hadley!' Joker stood and offered his hand which Hadley took with a laugh. 'I didn't realise you were on the Orizaba.' He glanced at the officers bars on his uniform, 'Lieutenant, well done.'

'Yeah, seems having experience on the Normandy goes a long way.' He looked wistfully around the bridge. 'I miss not being here.' Joker sat down and indicated for Hadley to take the co-pilot's chair, EDI was down in the AI core doing something.

'So, what are you doing now?'

'Co-pilot, secondary anyway.' Hadley grinned and Joker could see how proud he was. 'Flying shuttles when I'm needed. It's nice to be at the helm but the Ori doesn't have the flair or manoeuvrability of the Normandy. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but I'd love to be back here.'

'You might not want to if you knew some of the things we've done.' Joker scoffed and Hadley looked at him in surprise.

'Are you kidding? You guys are heroes, every time a report comes in about the Normandy everyone wants to hear it. There's not a day goes by that the Normandy isn't mentioned, that the crew doesn't talk about you.' Hadley shook his head as Joker stared at him in disbelief. 'Hell, you've taken down Reapers, stopped wars, rescued survivors and taken on Cerberus. That's impressive stuff!'

'You do realise that it's mostly Shepard doing that right?' Joker shook his head at him.

'But she couldn't do it without her ship and crew, without you,' Hadley gave him a gentle, good natured thump on the arm. 'Just admit that you guys are heroes and accept it.'

'Mr Hadley, it is good to see you.' Hadley jumped and Joker laughed as he stared in shock at EDI who stood behind him.

'Close your mouth, Hadley,' Joker spun his chair and got to his feet.

'EDI?' Hadley managed to find his voice.

'Correct,' EDI nodded as Hadley scrambled out of the co-pilot's seat.

'When did you …? How?' He looked to Joker to help him out.

'This is EDI's new platform,' Joker chuckled as Hadley's eyes stayed glued to EDI. 'She's my co-pilot.'

'So you're not in the ship anymore?'

'I am in both,' EDI's voice came from the ceiling and Hadley jumped. 'Jeff, I believe it is time for you to join Shepard on the Orizaba.' She took her seat as Joker stepped towards the airlock.

'I'm going,' he grinned as Hadley followed him, almost tripping over his own feet as he tried to keep his eyes on EDI. 'Hadley can show me the way.' He gripped Hadley's shirt and pulled him from the bridge.

'You get to sit with that all day?' Hadley looked at him in amazement.

'Yeah, caused some problems at first but she's part of the crew now.'

'Damn, now I really want to be back on board,' Hadley sighed as they stepped onto the Orizaba. 'Come on, I'll take you to the Captain's quarters.'

'So what happened, Hackett said they lost you. Everyone thought the worst.' He remembered how Shepard had tried to hide her worry and pretend her mother hadn't disappeared. He also remembered how she'd stared at a picture of her and her mother for hours, he'd seen the tears in her eyes and he'd held her until her emotions were under control.

'Yeah, when the Reapers hit Arcturus and Hackett ordered the retreat the Captain ordered us to help out an Alliance cruiser that was damaged and limping to the relay.' Hadley shook his head as he remembered, 'there was no way they could reach it in time and with the damage they would have been unable to transit the relay anyway. The Captain ordered us to protect them and ordered them to ignore the relay and leave the system under whatever power they had, which wasn't much. She ordered them to abandon ship and get the crew onto the Orizaba. We were almost at the edge of the system and had half the crew on board when the Reapers caught up with us.

We thought they might have ignored us but they didn't. They destroyed the cruiser and we got caught in the explosion. They must have thought we were dead in the water because they left. We drifted out of system. We had no propulsion, no long range communications and too many people on board.' He shuddered and Joker could only imagine the panic and chaos that would have ensued. 'Eventually the engineers got us up and running again but communications were still down. We managed to salvage parts from destroyed ships and found supplies where we could until we finally got back in communication range. That was three weeks ago. We put in to the Citadel for repairs then Hackett sent us out here.'

'Shit,' Joker had no response to that and Hadley just nodded in agreement. 'I'm surprised Hackett didn't let Shepard know her mum was alive.'

He chuckled and continued, 'You were out helping the Quarians but when the Captain found out we were meeting the Normandy she couldn't get us here fast enough. I've served under two COs, both have saved my life and both are called Shepard.'

'They're formidable women,' Joker smirked and nodded. 'My mum was on Arcturus, I was talking to her when it was destroyed.'

'Shit,' Hadley placed his hand on Joker's shoulder. 'I'm sorry, Joker.'

'Thanks,' he sighed and pulled himself erect. 'We're alive, right, we have to make sure others live as well, do everything we can to give the galaxy a chance to survive.'

'Damn right,' Hadley nodded and they continued on in silence.

Joker was glad he had a guide. He'd studied the blueprints for every ship in the fleet but looking at them on paper and walking through them were two completely different things. He was lost after the fourth turn and second elevator. He was guessing that Hadley was taking them on a roundabout route. They ended up on the bridge where Hadley introduced him to the crew and Joker grinned inwardly as Hadley pointed out to several people that Joker had been his teacher, that he'd had first-hand experience at the helm of the Normandy. Joker didn't point out that he'd only been at the helm during non-critical periods, he even praised Hadley's skills. There was nothing wrong with a little hero worship rubbing off on those that had stood by Shepard.

Hadley had a grin from ear to ear when they stepped into the Officer's mess. There were several younger officers and a few marines gathered around a table where one lieutenant was sprouting about having spoken with Shepard.

'Man she's a looker with an ass to die for,' he used his hands to indicate her shape.

Hadley lost his grin and glanced at Joker in embarrassment. Joker leaned on his hip, folded his arms across his chest, listened and watched.

'You've no chance with a woman like her,' someone shouted.

'She'd wipe the floor with you in minutes,' another laughed.

'Yeah, but what a way to go,' the lieutenant laughed then looked up and saw Joker. 'You're the pilot aren't you?' All eyes turned his way and Joker tried not to feel intimidated. 'What's it like having a CO that looks like Shepard? Do you get to see her changing into her armour, see her out of uniform?' There was a series of laughs and lewd comments. 'I'd like to see her out of uniform, does she take a personal interest in her officers?'

The tone of his voice and the thrusting of his hips made Joker see red. The fact that she was his wife made him angry, the fact that these officers had no respect for the person she was and the things she'd done made him livid. He knew they were only soldiers being soldiers, men being men, but that didn't stop the disgust.

'You know,' he straightened up and tried to keep the anger out of his voice, 'if any of her crew heard the disrespect and ignorance in this room they would be more than happy to shoot every one of you. You don't deserve to breathe the same air as her, be in the same room as her, fuck, you don't deserve to be in the same galaxy as her.' Joker stopped and took a deep breath, beside him he felt Hadley stand at attention and realised someone else had entered the room. 'She's earned the right to your respect and if you don't recognise that then you're all idiots and morons. I should put you on report for conduct unbecoming an officer, all of you.'

The mood in the room suddenly changed and Joker wondered if he'd gone too far. The last thing he wanted to do was start a fight, he would come out on the wrong end of that. The lieutenant who had been doing most of the talking narrowed his eyes, glared at him, was about to open his mouth but suddenly stood upright and snapped off a salute.

'Is there a problem here, Joker?' Kaidan stepped out from behind him.

'No, no problem, just setting a few facts straight,' he turned to leave the room but a thought made him turn back, a smirk on his face as he met the eyes of the lieutenant. 'To answer your other question, yes I do get to see her out of uniform and she takes a particular interest in this officer. She's my wife.' He held up his hand with his wedding ring visible.

There was a collective gasp and Joker had never felt so satisfied. Beside him Kaidan shook his head with a grin and Hadley was chuckling as they turned and left the mess, behind him he heard Kaidan giving them a dressing down for being disrespectful of a superior officer and letting them know that he would be reporting them to Captain Shepard. Joker was pretty sure he'd just put his foot in it but it was so worth it to see the look of disbelief on their faces. He just hoped Shepard thought so.

When Joker finally walked into the Captains personal dining room he still had a smile on his face. Shepard met him as he stepped up to the table and kissed him lightly with a puzzled frown.

'Something I should know?'

'Probably,' he shrugged as they sat down and he looked up at her mother, 'I think I just upset some of your officers.'

'Joker, what did you do,' he grinned at his wife.

'I was just defending your honour,' he held up his hands in defence. 'I might have called them idiots and morons and I might have mentioned the fact that we're married.'

'Good on you,' Hannah laughed and Joker chuckled.

'Don't encourage him, mum,' Shepard sighed.

'I should think you'd be honoured that he's standing up for you.'

'Not just me,' Joker added, 'Kaidan did his part too. In fact if any of the Normandy crew had heard I'm sure they would have done the same.'

'You know, half my crew would give their right arm to be transferred to the Normandy,' Hannah shook her head. 'I have a good crew but some of them need to learn to keep their mouth shut. There's no harm done.' She chuckled at her daughters scowl.

'You know, we should probably tell our crew that we're married,' Shepard reached for Joker's hand.

'What, you think they haven't figured it out yet? Or do you really think they believe we're just having mission briefings in your quarters. Of course they think I'm the luckiest bastard alive because I get to spend so much time with you, alone, all night.' Joker waggled his eyebrows at her and she gave an exasperated groan.

'I like him,' Hannah laughed at her daughter's groan. 'He fits in well.'

'See, what can I say, the Shepard women love me, they just can't resist my charm.' He laughed as Ari rolled her eyes and buried her face in her hands. Joker couldn't believe how comfortable he felt around two of the strongest women he knew. They were family and everything just felt right. All he had to do now was find his father and his sister and everything would be perfect.


	70. Chapter 70

**** 70 ****

FTL flight was boring, at least to Joker. There was little for him to do other than watch status reports, occasionally push a button or adjust their course, not that he had to do that very often, he was good at his job. Lessus was still some distance away and they would be in FTL for a few hours yet so he took the opportunity to catch up on the latest Crucible data, see what was happening in the outside world and put together some footage from Shepard's missions so she didn't have to sit through hours of boring stuff.

He gave himself a pat on the back for making the missions look easy but adrenaline pumping. He cut out the bits where they searched through rooms for survivors or salvage or when they stopped to catch their breath or compare thoughts. Blasto watch out, Shepard is coming to a cinema near you. He chuckled silently at his own ego, he was never hesitant to praise his skills, if he didn't who would. It was something he'd started doing as a defence mechanism, now it was simply the truth. He was just starting to read the latest Crucible report, something about active Reaper tech being affected, when the ship lurched and dropped out of FTL.

'What the …..?' He checked his screens but nothing appeared to be wrong. 'Adams, what's going on?' He thumbed the com. 'Why did we drop out of FTL, my screens show everything green.'

'I am responsible,' EDI informed him. 'Engineer Adams, if you will check the forward fuel relay on the port side you will find it is on the verge of failing.'

'Thanks, EDI, I'll check it out,' Adams chuckled and was gone.

'EDI?' Joker spun to look at her.

'The relay was about to collapse, I thought it wiser to drop out of FTL than allow it to explode.'

Joker was well aware of how catastrophic that could have been. An exploding fuel relay on the hull, he shivered as the thought of rapid decompression ran through his mind. Their checks wouldn't have picked it up in time, he was thankful EDI was here.

'What's going on Joker?' He spun further as Shepard came up behind him.

'EDI just saved a few lives,' he shrugged. 'A fuel relay was about to fail so she dropped us out of FTL.' He saw her pale and knew she understood, 'Adams is checking it out.'

'Thanks, EDI, glad you caught it.' Shepard sighed and Joker knew she was frustrated with how the war was progressing and their part in it.

'Maybe it's a good thing Hackett ordered us back to the Citadel,' he shook his head when she scowled at him. 'Hey,' he reached out and pulled her into his lap, 'I know you don't want to take time off but I think the couple of days will do everyone good. The ship needs fixing or we might not make it back to Earth. You need rest, Garrus is edgy, Tali is calling everyone boshtets, even Kaidan snapped at one of the ensigns yesterday.'

'I know, I just can't help feeling like we're wasting time,' she dropped her forehead onto his.

'Think of it this way, we can spend a couple of days in bed,' he grinned as she rolled her eyes at him, 'get our strength back and clear our minds. We're getting close to figuring all this out so we need to be at our best.'

'You're right,' she sighed and kissed him lightly. 'I know Hackett's only concerned and looking out for us.' She frowned when he didn't meet her gaze, as she followed his stare she saw the crew watching them. With a chuckle she looked at EDI, 'ship wide coms please and make sure everyone can see us.'

'Ready Commander,' EDI brought up their image on Joker's screens.

'Attention crew of the Normandy,' Shepard was smiling at Joker's puzzled stare, 'it's time to put the rumour mill to rest and make Vega pay out on the betting pool, shame on you Vega as you already know the truth.' There were a few groans behind her and she laughed. 'For those that don't already know or haven't figured it out yet, I am married to the wonderful, sexy, ornery bastard who flies this ship and have been for some time.' Her grin felt like it was a mile wide as Joker laughed at her.

'Hear that all you horny, oversexed males,' Joker cupped her face with his hand, 'she's mine, so eat that.' He pulled her towards him and kissed her passionately.

They could hear the cheers from behind and through the coms as they separated, both of them laughing and for a moment the war was forgotten on board the Normandy.

'Damn, Lola,' James could be heard amid the noise, 'you're sending me broke.'

'All your own fault, James,' Shepard shook her head as she stood up. 'Alright, shows over, back to work people. We have a mission on Lessus then we're heading to the Citadel where you'll all have a few days shore leave.' There was more cheering before Joker closed the coms. 'How long before we're moving again?'

'Adams is replacing the faulty relay, we should be able to resume FTL flight within the hour.'

'Good,' Shepard nodded as she turned to leave, 'keep me updated.'

It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from the ship. There were smiles and congratulations as Shepard walked back through the CIC and she accepted them all with thanks and genuine happiness. Joker watched as the crew took to their jobs with new found vigour, a couple of them looking his way and giving him a thumbs up. He waved them off with a laugh and turned back to his console.

The Normandy was unique in many ways, her sleek sexy build, her large beating heart unlike any other drive core, her stealth and speed all backed up with a highly intelligent AI watching over them. Yet none of those things were as unique as the feeling of family. There was just something about Shepard's ship that made everyone feel like they belonged, like they were part of something bigger and it made for a crew like no other. Joker considered himself damn lucky to be a part of that.

'Joker,' Liara broke into his thoughts.

'What's up?'

'I just thought you'd like to know, I have reports of shuttles landing on the Citadel from Tiptree.'

'Really? So my dad and my sister might be alive?' Joker tried to fight the joy he felt, there was also a good chance they weren't. But any news was good news and he wasn't ready to give up hope yet.

'It's mostly children,' LIara cautioned, the concern in her voice obvious.

'Then my sister, Gunny,' he thought about the last time he'd seen her, she'd be fifteen now. She wanted to be a pilot, follow in his footsteps, he hoped she would get the chance. 'Her name's Hilary, but everyone calls her Gunny, she might be on one of them.'

'I'll let you know if I hear anything more.'

'Thanks, Liara,' he closed the com with hope in his heart, he was trying not to get too excited but they were his family and even the slightest hint that they may have survived was enough to hang on to.

* * *

Ardat Yakshi! Joker shivered as he remembered Morinth and the dire warnings Samara had given Shepard about her abilities and power. That didn't stop her from heading into a colony of them though and offering to help Samara with her daughters, again. The scream of a banshee grated on his nerves even through the feed so he could only guess at how it affected them on the ground.

'I hate these things!' James growled as he fired his shotgun and rolled away before the banshee could reach him.

'What's the matter Lieutenant?' Garrus was chuckling as he overloaded the things barriers, 'too much of a challenge for you.'

'Nah, just waiting for you,' he ignited the overload with a carnage blast.

'In my time you would both be shot for talking on the battlefield.' Javik commented as he tossed a lift grenade. 'The only talking was done by officers giving orders.' He grunted as the banshee collapsed and a group of Cannibals appeared.

'Sounds boring,' James panted as he ran for new cover.

'Only because you like the sound of your own voice, James,' Kaidan muttered as he sent out a cryo blast which Shepard followed with incendiary shots.

On the bridge of the Normandy Joker chuckled as he listened. Anyone would think they were out for a stroll in the park, their banter and calmness seeming out of place on a battlefield. Yet he knew it was their relationships, both professional and personal, that allowed it to happen. They had complete trust in each other, instinctively knew what each was capable of and how they fought. Even Kaidan had slipped right back into their natural affinity, any doubt or lingering tension long gone.

As dangerous as the situation was he almost laughed aloud as Samara followed her daughter over a balcony in a cloud of blue and Shepard asked Kaidan if he could do that.

He walked up to the edge and looked over then scoffed, 'not in the next ten minutes.'

'Guess it's the long way then,' Shepard chuckled as she led them forward.

Two banshees and several husks later Joker watched as Shepard fought with a struggling Falere and more banshees appeared in force. He was extremely thankful when James picked Falere up and carried her over his shoulder into the elevator. That damn Justicar code, Joker cursed it as he watched Shepard stop Samara from committing suicide to save her daughter.

Finally the team was safely back on board and he laid in a course for the Citadel. He was really looking forward to a couple of days off, just him and Shepard alone. It wasn't long before he heard familiar footsteps behind him and a coffee cup appeared over his shoulder.

'Hey you,' he took the offered drink and glanced up at Shepard. The bags and dark circles only increased his concern and those days off were looking even more necessary. He knew she would have already reported to Hackett, gone over the mission with her team and been to see the Doc all things that took time. He wished she'd devote some of that time to sleep.

'Hey yourself,' she leaned on the rail alongside him.

'You really should get some rest,' he placed his cup on the console and took her hand, 'you look exhausted.'

'I will,' she sighed at his disbelieving stare, 'I promise. I just got a message from Anderson, he wants us to have his apartment on the Citadel.'

'Really,' Joker turned to face her, 'so we have somewhere to stay that's ours.' That meant they didn't have to stay in a hotel room and be interrupted by staff. He frowned at the distraught look on her face. 'What's wrong, babe?'

'It just feels like he's saying goodbye,' she closed her eyes and he knew her emotions were fighting a losing battle with exhaustion. 'He says he wants to stay on Earth after the war but ….'

'Hey,' he stood up and pulled her into his chest. 'If anyone can get through this Anderson can, besides, he has Kahlee to look forward to when this is over. Maybe you're just reading too much into this, maybe he does just want to stay on Earth. I'm sure he'll be needed to rebuild and help the recovery.'

'I guess you're right,' she sighed against his chest. 'I just don't want to accept his gift, it just feels ... final.'

'You are the closest thing he's had to a daughter, you know that. If he wants to give it to you it's only because he cares about you.' He lifted her face so he could meet her eyes, 'now, go get some rest. I'll be up soon with dinner.'

'Okay,' she kissed him and moved away.

Joker sat down and watched her leave. This break couldn't come soon enough for either her or the ship. Both were tired and in need of some TLC. It was as if they were connected somehow, the worse Shepard got the worse the ship got. Only a few hours to go and both would get the rest they needed.

* * *

Joker powered down the Normandy. He let out a sigh of relief as she settled into her berth in the maintenance hangar. He'd managed to shave a little time off their trip, he was eager to get Shepard somewhere where she could get off the ship and relax without interruption. He'd taken dinner up to their cabin only to find her curled up asleep on the sofa. Loathe to disturb her he'd covered her in a blanket, eaten quietly and left her to rest. Traynor had asked where she was because she wanted to pass on some reports but Joker had told her to see Kaidan, he could be in charge for a while. Now that they were docked he knew she'd want to be up so, taking a detour via the mess, he headed back to their cabin.

She was still stretched out on the sofa and she looked so peaceful he hated the thought of waking her. But it had to be done. He sat on the table and brushed a lock of hair from her face before gently running his fingers across her cheek. She stirred at his touch and her eyes opened slowly, eventually finding his. His heart skipped at the pure beauty of her smile.

'Hey you,' she held his hand against her face, rubbing her cheek against it like a cat.

'Hey yourself,' he leaned forward and kissed her softly.

'Did you bring dinner,' she stretched and sat up.

'Several hours ago.' He grinned as she stared at him wide eyes. 'You were so peaceful and I figured you needed the rest so I didn't wake you.'

'So I starve to death instead,' she groaned at him and he chuckled as he moved to sit beside her.

'I'm not that cruel,' he indicated a tray on the table with two coffees and an omelette. 'I even cooked for you.'

'I knew there was a reason I loved you,' she inhaled the scent of the coffee, took a sip and proceeded to dig in to the food. 'So, how long before we reach the Citadel?'

'We docked about twenty minutes ago,' he held up his hands as she moved to stand up. 'Finish your meal, we've got the better part of an hour before all the crew has disembarked and the maintenance crew come on board.'

He was glad to get no argument as she settled back into her meal. That fact also told him how tired she was. After she'd eaten, showered and changed they made their way to the CIC.

'I have to go see the asari Councillor, apparently she has some important information that could help us,' she told him as they rode the elevator down and he frowned but she continued on. 'I have to go back to Dr Bryson's lab and see what new leads we can find. I've got some intel to pass on and we need new mods for some of our weapons.'

'Hey,' Joker put his hands on her shoulders, turned her to face him and she looked at him in surprise. 'You're entitled to time off as well, you know. You need it Ari, please, humour me and have at least one day off.'

'Of course,' she smiled and lifted his hand to her lips. 'I'm looking forward to that day in bed you mentioned.'

'I hope so,' Joker's voice dropped an octave as he thought about it but he forced himself to ignore the physical yearning and kissed her forehead as the doors opened. 'I have to go through the diagnostics reports with the maintenance crew and Adams so I'll see you later for dinner.'

'It's a date,' she smiled and they both stepped into the CIC together.

It was a couple of hours later that Joker was finally finished with the reports and could think about getting off the ship. His omnitool beeped and he looked at the message that opened up.

_Joker,_

_Meet me at the sushi restaurant called Ryuusei's in the wards for dinner. About an hour._

_Shepard_

Joker stared at the message for a moment, something was off. It was impersonal, not like her usual messages at all. Maybe it was all she had time for. He shrugged off his concerns and went to shower and change into something not military. He'd never had sushi but he'd try anything once if it meant doing it with Shepard. Thirty minutes later he was walking off the Normandy, a smile on his face as he thought about having dinner with his wife.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn't played the Citadel DLC. This will be a little different than in game, we are seeing it from Joker's point of view, but I've used some of the dialogue because it's just so good. Hope I do it justice. Enjoy.

**** 71 ****

Why the fuck couldn't something go right for once? All he wanted was some quiet time with his wife, was that really too much to ask.

'Alenko, James, Garrus, anyone …..'Joker was yelling into the com on his omnitool. The sound of gunfire and explosions behind him made him flinch as adrenaline pumped through his system and his heart raced. 'EDI, where the fuck are you?' He was moving as fast as he could but any sense of direction was gone, he had no idea where he was.

'Joker? What's wrong?' James finally responded, he sounded calm but Joker could hear the concern in his voice.

'Shepard's under attack,' Joker fought to breathe, 'she's unarmed and not wearing armour. She's wearing a fucking dress, she's not …' The room was starting to spin and bile rose in his throat as his body started shaking. He'd left her, on her own.

'Where is she?' James was running if his breathing was any indication.

Joker fought to make his voice work, 'the sushi restaurant in the wards,' he couldn't remember the name. Damnit, she needed him. _Think idiot!_ 'Ryuusei's.'

'I know it, I'm on my way.' The sound of boots thumping on the ground echoed through the com. 'See if you can reach everyone else.'

'Garrus, EDI, we seriously need help here. Where is everyone.' He cursed them all silently, if they were already drunk and enjoying shore leave he was going to be pissed.

Joker stumbled against the wall and slid to the ground, closing his eyes as he dropped his head back, struggling to calm his frayed nerves and body. Just once he'd like something to go right, just once. It had all started out so well.

* * *

The restaurant was packed and the line was out the door, Joker wasn't looking forward to standing in it. He'd just joined the end when the maître-d saw him and started waving frantically at him. Not really sure if he should Joker walked around the crowd and down the steps, feeling the eyes of those he passed burning into his back. He looked down at the floor. A fish tank! What was it with fish tanks? Maybe they used the same interior decorator as the one who did the Commander's quarters on the Normandy. He could only trust that the builders knew what they were doing when they installed it and that it wasn't slippery. Still, sushi restaurant, at least the fish would be fresh.

'You are here with Shepard, yes,' the man spoke with an accent that Joker for the life of him couldn't believe was real, but he nodded and followed him to a table at the front of the restaurant, wondering how he knew he was with Shepard. Then it clicked, he'd automatically put his cap back on. The SR-2 insignia was as familiar as Shepard's face.

Joker looked around and realised that they'd been seated so management could get the best exposure possible from the famous Commander Shepard eating there. Not going to happen. He leaned towards the maître-d and whispered in his ear.

'Commander Shepard won't like this,' Joker almost laughed at the horrified look on the man's face. 'She's after a little privacy and thought you could offer that.'

'Of course,' the man stuttered and hurriedly led Joker to the rear of the establishment, about to seat him at a table in the corner surrounded by windows. Joker shook his head, looked around and pointed to a table against the back wall, hidden from plain view.

'Look, if you give her privacy I'm sure she'll give you an endorsement you can use in your advertising,' Joker mollified the disappointed man. He almost laughed when white teeth flashed in a smile so bright it was blinding.

'Certainly, sir,' he held out a chair at the requested table.

Joker sat and looked at where they were positioned. Next to an emergency exit, the bar between them and the front door, surrounded by other tables and gardens to act as obstacles. He chuckled and shook his head, when did he start thinking like a marine and checking out the battlefield. They were here for a quiet dinner and he was acting as if they were going to war. Oh, wait, they were. He removed his cap and shoved it in his pocket before running his fingers through his hair, thankful that it was short enough not to have hat hair. He waved the waiter over and ordered drinks.

There was shushed mumbling towards the front of the place and Joker looked up to see what was going on. His jaw dropped and his heart skipped a beat at the vision walking down the steps. Shepard, his Shepard wearing a figure hugging, low cut black dress that definitely enhanced her assets. It fell from her hips in a swirl of soft fabric and as she walked towards him he could see a long leg exposed by a split from the thigh to the floor which was met by a delicate foot in slender heels. He'd always known she was beautiful and could do any outfit justice but this was just …. Too many words entered his head so he settled on stunning. He got to his feet as she reached the table and the smile she gave him was dazzling.

'Hey you,' she slid her arms around his neck and kissed him.

'Hey yourself,' Joker felt the smooth fabric under his hands as they came to rest on her lower back, claiming possession of the most gorgeous woman in the room. 'You look amazing, beautiful, stunning,' he shook his head as he ran out of descriptions.

'You look pretty good yourself,' she looked him up and down shamelessly and he was glad he opted for a dress shirt and pants. Her fingers played with the skin on his upper chest where the collar was open and he shivered at her touch. 'I like this,' she whispered lustfully and he almost groaned.

'I think we'd better sit down before things become obvious,' Joker muttered against her cheek before stepping back and pulling out her chair.

She sat with a chuckle and as Joker took his seat he glanced around. Almost every eye in the place was on them. Once he would have found it intimidating and uncomfortable but he'd grown a lot in the last couple of years and he owed it all to the woman seated at his side. The sounds and movements faded into the background. As his fingers interlaced with hers he couldn't get over the feeling of belonging, of feeling like half of a whole and yet complete in every way. He wondered if he could ever explain that to her. A gentle squeeze of his hand brought him back to the world around him.

'This place is serious,' he chuckled, 'French guy at the door serious.' He shook his head in disbelief, 'and you only had to save the galaxy twice to get a table in this place.' He picked up a menu and his eyes widened at the prices, he put it down and picked up his glass, 'so, here we are, best pilot in the galaxy and a superhero.' He raised his glass in a toast and with a laugh Shepard did the same. 'I said you'd give them an endorsement if they gave us a more private table, they wanted to put us on display.'

'Glad you changed their minds,' she grinned at him. 'What's happening on the Normandy?' Shepard asked as she browsed the menu.

'Oh, you know a bunch of strangers poking their fingers in places they shouldn't, I hate the idea of them touching my ship – ah our ship.'

'Come on Jeff, you know she needs it.'

'Yeah I know, oil change, space tyre rotation,' he sighed and she giggled at him which made him stare at her in surprise. 'I can't help it, those shifty aerospace engineers are always stealing the silverware.'

'Hey, what did you tell me, we're on shore leave. Relax and enjoy it.'

'I might need a drink with umbrellas to do that,' he held up his empty glass.

'I'm the first human Spectre, I'll get you two umbrellas,' she lifted his hand and kissed his fingers.

'Awesome use of power, boss,' he grinned at her. 'So, your email surprised me, wasn't expecting anything this fancy.'

'My email?' She looked at him in confusion. 'I got an email from you asking me to meet you here, something about wanting to discuss the Normandy.'

Foreboding washed over Joker and from the way Shepard was glancing around he knew she felt it too. A commotion by the door had them both looking in that direction and they watched as a woman in an Alliance uniform crashed, stumbled and chaotically made her way over to them.

'Commander,' she ran into a waiter and hurriedly corrected her course. Joker listened absently as she introduced herself, more concerned with what was going on around them. 'There are people trying to kill you.'

That stirred his interest in the conversation and he looked from Brooks to Shepard and back again, 'yeah, I think the Commander is aware of that.'

'No, not Cerberus or the Reapers. New people,' she was getting more flustered by the minute. 'Someone is hacking your accounts.'

Joker listened as intently as Shepard as she explained about the theft of her personal information. When she started rambling about landing troops on a gas giant he shook his head in disbelief. For an intelligence officer she certainly didn't know how to focus.

'Calm down, Brooks, take a breath.' Shepard held up her hand and the woman literally took a deep breath. Joker thought it was a bit over the top and from the narrowing of Shepard's eyes so did she. 'Slowly, tell me what you know.

Joker went back to scanning the room, acutely aware that they were alone, unarmed and totally unprepared. His worst fears were realised when a heavily armed group forced their way in.

'Good evening ladies and gentlemen, tonight's performance is brought to you by random acts of violence.'

They definitely weren't here as entertainers but Joker was pretty sure they would be putting on a show. He knew he was right as guns started firing. In a flash Shepard flipped the table and was pulling him to the floor. His heart was racing as they crouched behind their flimsy cover but he controlled the panic and watched as Shepard scanned the room. Even under stress she was outwardly calm, and beautiful.

'Man I love show business,' the one who was obviously the leader made sure his voice was heard above the din. 'Spread out, find me Shepard.'

Not good. Joker glanced over the table to see Brooks cowering against a wall. Shepard was leaning out and for a moment he was afraid she would be shot.

'Damnit!' Shepard cursed as Brooks was dragged across the room. She turned and met his eyes and he was so proud of the determination and strength in her gaze for a moment he forgot where they were. 'Jeff, I need you to listen to me.' She cupped his chin so he was looking directly at her. 'I need you to find the crew.'

'Find the crew,' he almost yelled but stopped and it came out as a rough whisper. 'I can't leave you alone here. You don't have a weapon, you're not wearing armour.'

'Jeff, I need you to be safe, get me some help.' She stroked the side of his face gently and kissed him lightly. 'This is what I do, remember.' She smiled at him and he sighed and dropped his gaze.

He was a hindrance. Not a physical one but an emotional one. He realised that she couldn't concentrate on helping others if she was worried about him. Maybe this was what the fraternisation rules were for. She could come with him, they were right by the exit. He mentally scoffed at himself. As if she would. Civilians were in danger and she was the reason.

'Please be safe,' he brushed the side of her face. It seemed like hours but everything had happened in the space of minutes. He glanced at the door behind them, he could make that distance easily. A table crashed somewhere and a woman screamed. 'I love you.' He readied himself for the dash to the door.

He watched as she looked around the room and he felt rather than saw one of the soldiers come closer. A chuckle escaped as he realised what she was doing but he would do whatever it took to give her an advantage. She tapped him on the leg and without a second thought he stood up and headed for the door as fast as he could. A yell behind him was quickly stopped. With his hand on the door he turned to see Shepard take out the soldier and grab his weapon.

'Bait, you used me as bait,' he smirked at her, she wasn't going to live this down.

'I love you,' she whispered and blew a kiss in his direction.

'She's over here!'

Joker pushed through the door, his last image of Shepard was of her turning to take down the enemy. Then all hell broke loose.

* * *

Joker struggled to his feet, pulled his cap out and pushed it onto his head. He was stumbling towards another door when behind him there was a staccato of gunshots, the sound of glass shattering and a terrifying scream. The door before him opened and he fell through it into the arms of Garrus.

'Joker, where's Shepard?'

'In there,' he pointed behind him as Garrus handed him over to EDI and rushed through the door.

'Jeff, are you hurt?' EDI was scanning him as she urged him to sit.

'No, other than my manly pride,' he grimaced, feeling completely useless.

'Pride is a useless emotion in times like this,' EDI chastised him, 'you have done what you could in this situation. Some people would have frozen in panic.'

'Doesn't help Shepard,' he got to his feet and rolled his shoulders.

'You have helped her in the best way possible, you have brought help.'

Garrus came back through the door and Joker did not like the look on his face.

'Garrus, where is she?'

'Joker,' he seemed to be looking for words. 'The floors gone, it's been destroyed. If Shepard was on it at the time ….'

Joker paled and felt his legs give way but EDI was there to hold him up. There was nothing beneath them, a long way beneath them, but the bowels of the Citadel, the inner workings that few people ever saw. How could she survive that, how would they ever find her?

'I believe I have found the Commander,' EDI sounded relieved, Joker was cautiously ecstatic.

'Where, how is she?'

'Her biometric readings indicate severe stress and some trauma but her heart is beating and she is moving.' She indicated his omnitool and he brought up a com channel.

'Shepard?'

'Jeff,' she was hurt, he could hear it in her voice.

'Where are you babe?' He tried to hide the fear that was eating at his insides.

'Don't know,' she grunted and he could hear her struggling with something. 'Maintenance area I think.'

'Are you okay?'

'Lost my shoes, my dress is torn and I'm wet.'

Garrus just shook his head as Joker gave a relieved laugh. 'Help is coming.'

'Who is this?' Brooks' angry voice broke in. 'You're on an unsecured channel and you're putting Commander Shepard in danger.'

'What!' Joker looked at Garrus and EDI wide eyed. 'Brooks? What's happening with C-Sec, where are they?'

'They've locked down the area, the Commander is heading for Cision Motors. I've got a shuttle on the way.' Talk about giving away Shepard's position but she sounded strange and Joker frowned.

'Are you okay, Brooks?'

'I got shot, used some medigel, all of it actually,' she giggled and Joker rolled his eyes in frustration.

'Shepard, I'm on my way,' Garrus was talking as he was moving. 'EDI, take care of Joker.'

'Helps coming, babe,' Joker reassured her before smirking and adding, 'you don't seem to have much success with fish tanks. I don't think they'll want your endorsement now.' He heard her scoff, 'and you used me as bait, I think we need to talk about that.'

'We can talk all you like once I get out of here, things are about to get dicey.'

Joker flinched as gunfire echoed through the com. He needed to find the rest of the crew and fast. He was damned sure this was only the beginning of something bigger.


	72. Chapter 72

**** 72 ****

One by one the crew reported in and Joker had never felt so relieved in his life. He was absently listening to the feed from the com as he organised an air car and collected Kaidan and Tali, both had been on the Presidium so it had taken a while. He trusted everyone else to make their way to their new apartment. Cortez was on his way in a shuttle, he'd picked up Garrus and was heading to where Shepard was just in case backup was needed.

The sound of alarms made him jump. 'What's going on, Shepard? I can hear those alarms.'

'Thought I'd make things more interesting,' she said flippantly and Joker just shook his head.

'Of course you did,' he heard Garrus chuckle.

'Wouldn't be Lola if she didn't,' James gave a breathless laugh. 'Almost there, Lola.'

'I don't know why I expected a quiet shore leave,' Tali sighed from the back seat. 'These bosh'tets are really making me angry.'

Joker grinned and he heard Kaidan chuckle. More gunfire erupted and the sound of grenades put everyone on edge.

'I have accessed the Citadel security cameras,' EDI informed them and sent the feed to their omnitools.

Joker glanced up but was too focused on driving to watch. He knew Shepard could handle herself, better than most if he was honest. That didn't stop him from worrying about her, from fearing for her life.

'Joker, that you?'

'Wrex?' Joker's eyes widened in surprise. 'What are you doing on the Citadel?'

'Had to come and sort out these pyjack Councillors. Grunt's around here somewhere as well.' He chuckled and Joker could just imagine how Wrex had sorted them out. It probably would have included lots of yelling, possibly some gun pointing, but lots of yelling.

'How'd you know it was me?'

'Heard the shooting and the alarms, knew the Normandy was in dock so figured Shepard had to be involved somehow.'

'Really?'

'What, you think anyone else is crazy enough to cause chaos on the Citadel?'

'Well, there is Cerberus,' Joker pointed out and Wrex just laughed. 'She's on her way to Cision Motors, she's under fire from some new group. She's not wearing any armour, Wrex. There's supposed to be a shuttle on the way.'

'I'll check it out, I'm not far away.'

Joker breathed a little easier, although Shepard was still alone. Help was on the way but she had to stay alive in the meantime. There was more gunfire through the feed and he heard Shepard cursing. Then he heard a sound that made his heart settle just a little. He had listened to it fire so many times he could hear it in his sleep. James' shotgun echoed through the feed.

'Hey, Lola, having a bad day?'

'James, nice of you to show up,' Shepard chuckled as the gunfire ceased and Joker let out a sigh of relief. 'What are you doing?'

'Taking a picture, that dress clings better than your uniform, thought Joker might like the hot, sexy, outfit, torn in just the right places.' His voice, smooth as honey, dropped an octave,

'Uh huh.' Joker laughed as his omnitool beeped and he heard Shepard groan. 'Don't encourage him.'

Finally, after scaring the Volus operator to death, Joker heard the sound of a shuttle engine. It had no sooner stopped than gunfire broke out.

'Shit!' Vega cursed and a thud was heard through the com.

Joker looked at the camera feed to see Vega covering Shepard as half a dozen well-armed and armoured men stood inside the shuttle. There was a deafening roar as the shuttle rocked and they all stumbled.

'Nothing like a Krogan air drop,' Wrex was laughing as he kicked, punched or threw anyone he could lay his hands on.

'Go Wrex!' Tali cheered from the back seat and Joker felt like cheering too.

Of course, this being a Shepard thing, he wasn't surprised to hear an explosion and more gunfire.

'Just like old times,' Wrex was clearly enjoying himself.

'Almost there, Shepard,' Cortez informed her. 'Keep the LZ clear so I can pick you up.'

'What, you afraid of a little gunfire, Esteban,' James laughed as his shotgun fired.

'You want a shuttle on your head, James.'

'Might be an improvement,' Garrus chuckled into the com.

This was better than family. Joker couldn't deny that, they were so much a part of each other's lives now it would hurt to go separate ways when this was over. They worked incredibly well as a team, watched each other's backs like no-one else could. He was part of that and it felt amazing, he'd been accepted by each and every one of these warriors. They didn't see him as the cripple, or the useless guy on the bridge. They treated him as an equal, that was something he'd never had growing up. They stood by each other and god help anyone that got between them or tried to hurt any of them.

As if to prove his point Cortez put the shuttle down close enough for Shepard, James and Wrex to jump in safely while Garrus provided cover fire. Of course James had to have the last shot as the shuttle hatch closed.

'Joker?' Shepard was breathing heavy but she was safe.

'I'm here,' he adjusted their path and prepared to head down into the wards.

'Good.'

'See you soon,' Joker knew she'd be eager to figure out what was going on. Looked like shore leave wasn't going to be as restful as he'd hoped.

By the time he landed outside their apartment the rest of the team had caught up and together they headed inside. The door opened on what could only be described as luxury and Joker gaped, behind him there were a few surprised gasps. His eyes were quickly drawn to the sunken lounge and the woman who terrified him, amazed him and loved him. She was still wearing the torn dress but it looked as if it was supposed to be that way, the orange glow of the fire behind her gave her an aura and she glowed brightly. She looked like a warrior angel, all that was missing were her wings. The smile on her face matched the joy in his heart at seeing her safe and relatively uninjured.

'I found this lot hanging around outside, thought they might come in handy, they actually like being shot at,' he indicated over his shoulder with his thumb. 'You just couldn't let us have a quiet shore leave, could you,' he walked down the steps and wrapped her in his arms.

'Couldn't have everyone getting bored and out of practice,' she shrugged as she hugged him back and chuckled at his mock frown. 'Are you okay?'

'Am I okay! You're the one getting shot at, without armour,' he raised his eyebrows and smirked, 'or is this about the whole bait thing. Now you worry about me.'

'Yeah, I'm sorry ….'

'Stop,' he put a finger on her lips at the look of distress on her face. 'I knew what you were doing, I knew it was a risk, but I'd do anything for you, don't you know that by now.'

'I know, but ….'

He kissed her deeply, preventing her from continuing. He was grinning as he pulled back, 'doesn't mean I'm going to let you live it down though.'

'Who were those guys?' James reminded them that there were others present but Shepard didn't let go of Joker's hand.

'Yeah, what's going on Shepard?' Wrex's voice boomed around the room. 'Since when do mercenaries have access to C-Sec shuttles?'

'Don't know.' She shrugged and it seemed to trigger something in Brooks.

'How can you be so calm?' Brooks was pacing, 'they had guns and grenades and drone things and …. and ….. '

'Brooks, calm down,' Shepard raised her omnitool, 'I'll contact Bailey and see what he knows.'

'Wait! Won't that put him in danger too?'

'She could be right, Shepard,' Kaidan was scanning Shepard for injuries but seemed satisfied there was nothing serious. 'No real damage, can't say the same about the sushi restaurant, I liked that place.' He sniffed the air and Shepard gave him a puzzled look, 'Is that fish?' Kaidan grinned as she scowled at him.

'Okay, we'll do this on our own then.'

'Right, on our own, outside the law,' Brooks was getting more flustered by the minute and Joker's eyes narrowed.

'Brooks, it's okay, this is what we do,' Shepard tried to placate her.

'I got shot! I took a desk job so I wouldn't get shot but you just killed a hundred guys, with a pistol! Who does that?'

'We do,' Wrex shrugged.

'Shepard does, anyway,' Tali corrected.

'I think we've all done our fair share,' Garrus reminded her.

'I guess you do,' Brooks was pacing but stopped and looked at the faces around her. 'They said the medi-gel might make me jumpy. Do I seem jumpy to you?'

There were a few questioning glances but no-one spoke.

'Brooks, how did you get involved in this anyway?' Shepard pulled them back into focus.

Joker listened as the woman rambled about her job, explained what could happen with identity theft but when she started talking about her cat Joker almost laughed. He heard a few smothered grunts around him and knew he wasn't the only one. Shepard squeezed his fingers and he pursed his lips. Serious, had to be serious. Unfortunately, Brooks didn't make that easy until the truth became obvious.

'So they want you dead, Shepard,' Wrex stated what they were all thinking. 'This won't work with you alive.'

'Does that mean they want us all dead because we all know Shepard?' Garrus sighed and folded his arms across his chest. 'You've got us walking into hell again.'

Shepard smiled, 'You wouldn't have it any other way, Garrus,' she reached down and picked up a gun from the table. 'They were well armed but I've never seen a gun like this before.'

'Maybe I can help,' Liara stepped forward and took the weapon, scanning it for markings or numbers as Glyph materialised in front of her. 'I'll see what I can find.' She looked up at Shepard, 'I'm glad you're in one piece, shame about the sushi place though, it was one of my favourites.'

Joker grinned at the scowl on Shepard's face, 'now I get it, fish, bait, all fits.' She rolled her eyes as he laughed.

'Wonder if any of the fish survived,' Wrex commented.

'That's right, Krogans like fish,' Garrus nodded.

'I've never tried raw fish,' Tali shook her head, 'was never good enough to get into that place, now I'll never get the chance.'

'You're a trailblazer, Commander,' Javik broke his usual silence and Joker was sure he was grinning, 'Taking down your enemies with fish, we would never have thought of that in my cycle.'

'Commander,' EDI sounded serious and everyone looked at her. 'The attack has made the news, casualties were numerous but were limited to … fish.'

Joker laughed as Shepard scowled, groaned, rolled her eyes and took the ribbing in her stride. He put his arm around her shoulder and she leaned against his chest.

'It's all right Ari, we know you have your unique fighting style, though I don't know how many fish you'll find in space. Oh, wait, you have a fish tank. Should we watch out for you falling through that too?' He chuckled as she groaned and buried her face into his chest. 'You know we love you, babe.'

There was a pleasant silence in the room as everyone nodded, smiled, chuckled but generally agreed with Joker. It was as if a wave had swept the room clean of tension, even Javik seemed relaxed.

'Okay, everyone make yourself at home, see if you can find out anything with your contacts.' Shepard took Joker's hand and led him towards the stairs. 'I'm going to change.'

'Sure you are, Lola.'

'Right, Shepard.'

'Like we believe that!'

'You must think we're all bosh'tets!'

Joker just laughed as Shepard shook her head. 'What? I need help with my torn dress.' She was grinning as she stepped onto the first rise.

Joker looked up at the flight of stairs. Why did it have to be stairs? He was thankful he'd kept up his physio as he slowly followed Shepard to the upper level. She stayed with him, still holding his hand.

'There's a hot tub in our bathroom,' she whispered and Joker forgot about his legs as the thought of being naked in a hot tub with his wife spurred him on.

'You're an evil woman,' he smirked as he reached the top, 'and we should look at getting an elevator installed.'

'Mmm, that could be fun, always wanted to have sex in an elevator,' she laughed at his raised eyebrows.

'So, seriously, this place is ours now?'

'Yep,' she closed the door behind them as they entered the bedroom and indicated he should undo her zipper. 'It has two bars, a card table and plenty of space for everyone to stay.'

Joker was only half listening as he slid the soft fabric off her shoulders and kissed his way from one side to the other as the dress dropped to the floor. She shivered under his lips and he took great pleasure in making her shiver even more.

'Shouldn't we go back downstairs,' he mumbled against her neck.

'They won't miss us for a while,' she dropped her head sideways to give him easier access. 'Besides, we need to christen the hot tub.'

'Yes, ma'am,' his voice was husky as he gently cupped her breasts and ran his thumbs over her already erect nipples. 'You're the boss.'

'Yes I am,' she took his hand and led him towards the bathroom, 'and you have too many clothes on.'

* * *

Sometime later Joker made his way downstairs and into the very spacious kitchen. He checked out the cupboards, discovered that the place was well stocked with everything they'd need and set about making Shepard some breakfast. Well, it would be a meal for when she woke up so breakfast was close enough.

'How is she?' Garrus leaned against the counter beside him.

'Asleep,' Joker stopped what he was doing and looked up at the Turian. 'How much more does she have to go through before we get a break? Have we pissed of an entity somewhere?'

'Ah, yeah, they're called Reapers,' Garrus chuckled. 'Then of course there is Cerberus, I believe that's a three headed dog from your mythology.'

'Funny,' Joker snorted.

'We'll sort it out, Joker,' Garrus placed his talon on Joker's shoulder.

'I just hope it's not too late for Shepard.'

As he finished cooking Joker couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. He felt like there was a great weight hanging over them and it was about to drop and squash them all. Last time he'd had this feeling Shepard had died, almost died or been badly injured. Right now he wasn't feeling good about anything.

'Hey you.'

Joker felt an arm snake its way around his waist and felt the warmth of a body pressed against him.

'Hey yourself,' he turned so he could put his arm around her and kiss her forehead. 'I thought you were asleep.'

'Not any more,' she smiled at him and he kissed her softly.

'Duh,' he rolled his eyes. 'I was making you some breakfast.' He slid a coffee across the counter, 'but seeing as how you're up I guess you don't get it in bed.'

'We are talking about breakfast here, right?' She grinned at him.

'And that's my cue to leave,' Garrus cleared his throat with a laugh and moved away.

'Seriously,' Joker went back to making breakfast for them, 'are you feeling okay?'

'Yeah, pretty good actually, that hot tub worked wonders.'

Joker chuckled at the insinuation in her tone as he picked up two plates and carried them through to the office bar where it was quiet and out of the way. Shepard followed with coffee and they enjoyed the meal together.

'Hey Shepard,' Steve wandered in and leaned against the bar. 'How are you feeling?'

'Okay, thanks for coming to our rescue.' She mumbled through a mouthful of omelette.

'Any time, although flying through the bowels of the Citadel was a little different. I wonder if I broke any laws.'

'It's okay, Shepard's a Spectre so she can get you off.' Joker pointed out.

'Wouldn't that be misuse of power?' Steve chuckled.

'Hey, she was going to get me two umbrellas, before she destroyed the restaurant and used me as bait.' Beside him she groaned and both men laughed.

'I'm never going to live that down, am I?'

Before either of them could answer Liara interrupted, 'Shepard, I think we've got something.'

'Time to go to work,' Shepard shoved the last of her food into her mouth and picked up her coffee.

Joker collected their plates and followed. Their quiet time was over and he knew they needed to sort out what was going on but he wished for just a few more minutes of normalcy. As everyone gathered around the table he was starting to wonder if there was such a thing as normal and if they would ever have it.


	73. Chapter 73

**** 73 ****

He felt like he was choking. Joker ran his fingers around the collar of his suit jacket, trying to loosen the fabric that felt like a noose around his neck. Everything felt tight, he hated the suit, he hadn't worn one for so long he guessed that the physio he'd been doing had done more than just strengthen his muscles. Either that or he was getting fat, that just wasn't acceptable. Maybe he should change his mind, tell Shepard he shouldn't be going.

When they'd discovered the supplier of the gun and found the perfect opportunity to infiltrate his establishment Shepard had given him the chance to join the team. She'd said it would be easy, no gunfire, just distraction and misdirection. When he'd been told it was black tie he almost backed out, he wasn't one for formal events, never had been. He had to admit, he was nervous which probably added to the tightness he was feeling inside his clothing. He took a deep breath, took a last look at his appearance and returned to the bedroom.

'Hey, babe, are you sure ….' His words stopped in his throat as his eyes fell on Shepard.

'What's wrong?' She looked at him in panic.

'Nothing,' he managed to force out. He'd run out of words more than once when it came to describing his wife but this time there was only one word that fit. 'You look beautiful.'

'Really,' her smile lit up the room as she did a slow pirouette. 'It was a gift from Tali, the fabric is quarian.'

Joker watched her turn, his eyes drawn to the movement of the dress, various shades of blue with a touch of white and a hint of silver, it was like flowing water as it pooled around her ankles,. The top was cut to show just enough cleavage to tease and the sheer loose flowing sleeves only added to the feeling of cascading water. It shimmered where it caught the light and seemed alive as what appeared to be layers clung to her curves. There was something else though, it was as if the moving fabric made your eyes follow the line away from the wearer, as if she was there but not there. It was almost a form of camouflage, she was visible but the eye was drawn away. It was almost hypnotic.

'I have to say,' she sauntered towards him the dress making it appear that she was walking on air, he half expected to hear splashing water. 'I like you in your suit, and we get to see your hair,' she was close enough to rest her hands on his chest and she looked him up and down before meeting his eyes. 'I don't think I've ever seen you dressed up out of uniform before, it's sexy.'

'Really,' he grinned and pulled her in close, 'I might have to do it more often if it turns you on so much.' He kissed her softly before pulling away and voicing his thoughts. 'Are you sure you want me to come along, I don't want to be in the way or be a hindrance.'

'Hey,' she forced him to look at her, 'you're never a hindrance or in the way. If you're not comfortable going I won't be upset. I just thought you might like to come, it's a charity event so I'm not expecting any gunfire. You don't get many opportunities to help out on the ground.'

'No, it's okay, I'll come,' Joker didn't want to admit it but he was feeling a little vulnerable, he didn't have a ship around him like a protective shell and he couldn't shoot or move like everyone else. He was out of his comfort zone and he knew it, but, for Shepard he would make the effort. 'Just for you, besides, you might need more bait.' He laughed as she shook her head.

'Let's go then,' she hooked her arm through his and they headed downstairs.

As they descended the stairs all eyes looked their way and more than one mouth fell open.

'Wait!' Traynor held up her hand and raised her omnitool. 'We have to get a picture of this, you two look like something off the cover of a fashion magazine.'

'Way to go Lola,' James was looking her up and down and Joker scowled at him. 'Hey,' he held up his hands in defence, 'just admiring, not touching.'

'Shepard, you clean up nice,' Kaidan walked towards them from the lower bedroom and Joker was a little jealous of how he filled out his suit. 'Joker, is that you? Where's the cap?' He chuckled as Joker smirked at him, having a biotic and a tech on hand would be useful even with the bad jokes. 'Where's Brooks?'

'Here,' she stumbled out of the kitchen, her eyes dropping to the floor and Joker was truly beginning to doubt her abilities. He really wished someone else could climb through the vents. 'Sorry, I'm ready to go.' She looked up and stopped dead. 'Wow! Now I really feel out of place.'

'Don't worry, Brooks,' Kaidan held out his arm, which she took hesitantly. 'You'll be fine.'

'Shepard,' Liara walked towards them, her fingers working furiously on her omnitool. 'I've uploaded the code you'll need to access the security systems and the cameras. You may need to distract the guards though. Garrus and Tali also have the code so if you can't get to something maybe they can.'

'Thanks Liara,' Shepard sighed and pulled herself upright. 'Let's do this people.'

Joker had never felt as proud as he did walking the red carpet. With Shepard on his arm he could take on the galaxy.

'I think I'll have to watch you,' Shepard leaned towards him, 'seems the women like you.'

'Me!' Joker looked at her in surprise before glancing around and noticing several women staring at him. 'Yeah, until they find out I'm not as perfect as they think.'

'Didn't stop me,' she squeezed his arm gently.

Joker couldn't help but smile at the thought of him and Shepard together, even with his imperfections.

'Don't underestimate yourself, Joker,' Kaidan glanced at him as he waved at the crowd.

'See, even men find you irresistible,' Shepard chuckled.

'What, no, I didn't ….' Kaidan floundered.

'Don't panic, Kaidan,' Joker smiled and waved at a woman who was staring at him and almost laughed when her eyebrows headed for her hairline. 'You're not my type.'

Once inside things became serious. Joker watched a nervous Brooks as she headed for the vent and knew if they didn't mingle they'd look out of place. He brought up his omnitool and typed in a request before gently taking Shepard's hand and leading her towards the dance floor. She looked at him in confusion but he simply smiled and pulled her into him, resting his hand in the small of her back as the music changed to something slower.

Never in his life would Joker have expected to be dancing with a beautiful woman in his arms. Her soft smile and the glow in her eyes was all the encouragement he needed, knowing how much she avoided dancing. It was only a shuffle but it was enough as she tucked her head against his shoulder and he held her hand against his chest. The rest of the world disappeared.

'Ah, Commander, there's a problem.'

Then it was back. Joker sighed as Brooks spoke in their ear pieces and they separated. Kaidan joined them with drinks and they made their way downstairs. Joker settled himself at the end of the bar where he had a good view of the room, he was playing lookout so Shepard could work on the cameras while Kaidan distracted the guards. Unfortunately, there were two guards by the circuit Shepard was trying to hack and Kaidan couldn't get to both of them. He took a deep breath and got to his feet, he could do this.

'Hey,' he tapped the guard on the shoulder and was relieved when he turned around without swinging at him. 'I think there's a bit of floccinaucinihilipilification going on here.' Joker wasn't surprised when the guard gaped at him. 'Do I look worthless or trivial to you?'

'Ah, no, sir,' the guard was flustered and Joker almost laughed.

'Then why are there no facilities for the disabled around here? Why is there no elevator to get upstairs. I have brittle bone disease and those stairs are an impediment to my having a good time in your establishment. If I was on my crutches or in a wheelchair I would be stuck down on this level, or is that your way of forcing me to spend money I can't really afford on games that can rarely be won? Or,' he frowned and folded his arms across his chest, 'is this your way of saying the disabled aren't welcome?'

'No, sir, I'm sorry sir. I'll inform management of your complaint and if you head to the bar I will organise complimentary drinks for you.'

'So you should,' Joker nodded and returned to the bar, trying not to grin too widely. Distracted the guard and free drinks, that was a win all round.

He saw Garrus and Tali playing the Varren racing and gave them a nod but he had a sudden sense of someone beside him.

'Hey, Kasumi, what are you doing here?'

'Damn, still can't get past you even when you're not on the Normandy.' Her voice spoke from thin air. 'Were you bored as a kid or something, I heard you distracting the guard.'

'Read a lot, dictionaries, atlases, encyclopaedias, space operas, had to do something when I was recovering from surgery. Hope you're not causing trouble, Shepard won't like it,' he kept his voice and head down but his eyes continued to scan the room. He tried not to look like he was talking to himself as he saw Garrus and Tali head towards him.

'No, not intentionally, just gathering things for the cause, you know.' He felt her lean on the bar, her hand brushing his arm ever so lightly. 'You look good and Shepard looks amazing. What's going on?'

'Just the usual, someone trying to kill Shepard, fuck the universe, you know.'

'Can I help?'

'What, fuck the universe or kill Shepard?' He grinned as she hit him lightly on the arm.

'Joker, we're heading into the back,' Shepard was already walking with Kaidan following.

'You need another pair of hands? Kasumi is here.'

'Really, why? No, never mind, I don't want to know.' She chuckled, 'send her through if she's willing to help.'

'Hey Joker,' Garrus took the stool beside him, 'thought we should mingle.' He flinched as if something had bitten him.

'Hey Garrus, looking good,' Kasumi giggled and Garrus shook his head. 'I'm off to help Shepard.'

'Everything going to plan?' Garrus turned to order drinks.

'So far.'

'Good, it makes a nice change.'

For once things did go to plan, almost. Khan was dead but they had his data drives so they had something to work with. Brooks had come through but there was still something about her that Joker didn't like. Whoever was responsible for the latest round of kill Shepard wasn't going to be easy to find but he got to dance with his wife, in public, and that was the highlight of his night. Until they got home and he got to remove her dress. He was really starting to like these dresses.

* * *

Frustration and panic. Two emotions that Joker was becoming intimately familiar with. He'd lost his connection with the team once they'd entered the Citadel archives and it was frustrating him no end. So was his attempt to hack into the security cameras but it didn't stop him from persevering. He needed to know what was happening before panic really took hold. He'd become so used to having the ability to watch or listen that not having it was driving him nuts, not to mention making him terrified.

'Yes!' He hissed as he finally broke through. He had vision but no sound so he kept working.

For once Shepard had taken the whole team and while that meant he was on his own he was glad she would have full back up. Whoever was behind this wasn't sparing any resources and the fact that they were using CAT6 soldiers didn't bode well. Soldiers were classified CAT6 for damn good reasons, well, bad reasons actually. This wasn't Cerberus where anyone could join. These were marines gone bad or suffering severe PTSD or some other form of paranoia, enough to get them discharged and put on a watch list.

'Finally,' he sighed and brought up the feed on his screen. What he saw made him catch his breath.

'I'm you, without the wear and tear. I'm the lone wolf you were meant to be.'

Joker stared at the screen in disbelief. Shepard, but not Shepard. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. No, he wasn't seeing double.

'No-one will believe you're the real Shepard,' Garrus was angry. 'You're just a clone, a cheap imitation of the real thing.'

'They will when I'm flying your ship.'

Joker watched in horror as his Shepard tried to warn the Normandy but he knew the message wouldn't get out. He watched in terror as the fake Shepard then ordered Traynor to prep the ship. No, no, no. It wasn't happening!

Joker dashed to his feet and hurried to the nearest air car. He had to see for himself what was going on. He heard gunfire through the feed but his thoughts were on what he could do to stop them from taking the Normandy. Call Bailey, no, Shepard wouldn't be happy if he ended up getting hurt. Call Hackett, no, there was nothing he could do. Stop them from boarding, maybe if he got there first.

He was frustrated with himself because he couldn't run, he could move quicker than ever before but running was still not an option. Once he was airborne he felt confident again but panic took hold as he neared the docks. What the hell was he going to do? He landed the car and was almost at the dock gate when he spotted Westmoreland and Dr Chakwas.

'Hey,' he rushed over and they both looked up in surprise but it quickly changed to concern.

'What's wrong, Joker,' Chakwas was about to scan him for injury but he waved her away.

'They're stealing the Normandy!'

'What?'

'Who?'

'Shepard,' he sucked in a breath,' a fake Shepard. She's the one who stole Shepard's identity. She's a Cerberus clone.' It hit Joker right then, this was what Ari had been afraid of, that she was a clone, not the real thing. He could only imagine what she was feeling right now but he would be there to help her through it once this was over.

'A …?' Dr Chakwas stared at him, her mouth open in shock. 'I always wondered if they'd done something like that.'

'Doesn't matter, they're stealing the Normandy.' Joker was getting more frustrated by the minute, the thought of losing his ship was making him hasty, he was finding it hard to think clearly. 'We need to get on board and stop them.'

'Alright,' Chakwas put her hand on his arm to try and calm him. 'How about we go take a look and see what we can see first.'

'Right,' Joker turned and headed back to the dock. He had help but that didn't mean they'd be able to do anything.

One step at a time. Get to the dock and gather intel. If they were quick enough they might be able to get on board, if not they needed all the information and surveillance they could gather. Then he remembered, 'Traynor.' He spoke into his com but there was no response.

'She's not still on board?' Chakwas looked at him worriedly.

'Yeah, she was, helping with the refit. She was coming back here this morning.' He tried again but still no response. 'They've got some kind of jamming signal,' he fiddled with his omnitool as they hurried forward but there was nothing. 'That means we can't get to EDI either.'

'I'm sure she'll be fine,' Westmoreland didn't sound convincing.

'These are all CAT6.'

'Shit!' Joker saw Chakwas pale. 'We need to be careful then. We can't be obvious.'

'Roger on that,' Joker nodded as they finally reached the dock gate and realised they were too late. 'Keep walking,' he hissed and the two women nodded slightly.

The two well armoured and armed guards at the gate were definitely not alliance. Their armour was identical and unlike anything Joker had seen before. Chakwas slid her arm through his and urged him on as the guards watched them walk past. He was glad of the support as he forced his eyes forward and the three of them continued along the docks to where they had a good view of the Normandy below them.

'Fuck!' Joker cursed as they leaned on the rail. To the casual onlooker they would just be checking out the view.

'What do you see?' Chakwas asked and Joker suddenly remembered that she'd seen much more action than him. She'd been a military doctor her whole career including going onto battlefields to help the wounded.

Joker looked around carefully. There were armoured soldiers on the dock, some in position, more moving in obvious patrol patterns. He was starting to think that whoever they were they hadn't done their homework. He was the Normandy's pilot and if they were aware of that why hadn't they been chased off. Focus, he had to focus.

'They're loading weapons,' Westmoreland pointed out with a nod and Joker watched as crates were carried on board.

'They're also removing stuff, looks like personal belongings.' Chakwas added.

Joker looked to where trolleys of gear had been pushed to one side. This was not good. Where the hell was Shepard, the real one? He brought up his omnitool to check on the feed from the archives but she was nowhere in sight.

'I need to get Shepard,' he straightened up.

'I'll let Bailey know what's going on,' Chakwas nodded and Joker knew they would need someone on the Citadel who knew what happening.

'I'll stay here, eyes on and keep you updated.'

'Are you sure,' Joker knew that Westmoreland was taking a chance.

'Don't worry, I won't be obvious.'

'Okay,' Joker nodded and with Chakwas' arm through his he headed back to the air car.

'Shepard will stop them, Jeff,' Chakwas gave his arm a gently squeeze.

'I hope so,' he sighed.

After Shepard the Normandy was the most important thing in his life and he wasn't sure he could face losing her again. Not to mention that EDI was a part of that ship, they had to save them both.


	74. Chapter 74

**** 74 ****

_You'll never make it through the training, or if you do you'll be stuck behind a desk. That's what they do with people like you_

Those words were burned into Joker's brain, it was a moment in his life that had made him determined to prove the teacher wrong. He'd been angry and more than a little hurt because he'd always respected Mr Donvan, until that day. That was the day Joker had proudly told him he was going to join the Alliance, he was going to fly. To have his dreams shattered and thrown in his face at thirteen was not what he was expecting, he'd become so used to his mother always telling him there was nothing he couldn't do if he tried hard enough.

Right now though he was starting to think Mr Donvan had been right. He was feeling extremely useless, he couldn't save his wife or his ship. He might be in the Alliance but he definitely wasn't a soldier, someone who could take on the bad guys and win. Without his ship he was just wasted space.

'Fuck!' Joker switched the car to autopilot.

With a deep sigh he buried his face in his hands, knocking his cap backwards. He had to pull himself under control or he really was no good to anyone. He could do this. He'd flown into a volcano, taken down a Reaper, flown into the centre of the galaxy and lived to tell about it, he'd left other ships in his wake and the strongest, most able warrior in the galaxy loved him. He was more than his ship, yes it was his protective shell, but not just anyone could do the things he'd done. He was a smart guy, saw things others didn't, was quick thinking and capable.

He rubbed his face as if it would scrub away his self-doubt, took a deep breath, straightened his cap and took back control of the car. He made a mental list: get Shepard; save the Normandy; save EDI. It sounded so simple. So, first thing, get Shepard. He tried the coms but there was still nothing. If she were able she would come out of the archives at the same place she went in. He had a direction and he took it.

The loss of coms was worrying and he wondered if it was just their coms or if the entire Citadel was down. Probably not, that would draw too much attention. Coms going down in one or two places could be passed off as a technical glitch, it happened. He tried the frequencies for docking control, no luck; C-sec was down too. They had to know something was going on, they were the security for the Citadel. If their coms were down they were probably busy fixing it or dealing with the many problems it would cause. There was no help there.

He banked out of the traffic and darted between buildings and down narrow back alleys. If C-sec was busy with other problems there was no-one to stop him for breaking traffic violations. He needed to move fast and following regular routes would take too long. Finally he arrived at the spot where Shepard had blown a hole in the roof of the archives. He'd never been so relieved to be right as he saw her climbing out of said hole. She glanced up as he landed but quickly reached down to help Garrus out of the hole.

'I have room for you and two more but make it quick because the other you is stealing my ship.' He was talking before the door was completely open.

'Joker,' Shepard jogged over and he could see she was tired but there was no time. 'You know about the clone?'

'I'll explain as we go but we need to go now,' he pleaded and she nodded.

'James, Kaidan,' she dashed around the car and slid into the passenger seat. There were several groans and she looked up in surprise.

'I never get to go,' Tali pouted, at least that's what it sounded like.

'I thought I might get a turn, not being around for a while,' Wrex shrugged.

'Joker will come back for you,' she assured them but there were still long faces. 'I promise.'

'Garrus, Liara, C-sec and docking control are off line, coms are down, you might be able to help,' Joker was closing the door as they nodded.

'This is why I hate shore leave,' Joker was mumbling as he got them airborne. 'I swear you park the ship for five minutes ….' He headed back along the route he'd taken through the back alleys.

'Can you contact Citadel flight control, get them to deny the departure request?' Shepard asked.

'Not with the coms down, the whole area is jammed.' He dropped beneath a couple of cross tunnels, 'probably to make it easier to steal my ship.' He heard the anger and frustration in his voice and felt Shepard's hand on his thigh.

'We'll stop them,' she said as he glanced at her.

'They have to know something is going on,' Kaidan suggested and Joker scoffed.

'They haven't responded so far, the docks are surprisingly quiet.' He maneuvered them out into traffic before cutting through another collection of alleyways. 'Doctor Chakwas was going to contact C-sec, I left Westmoreland on the dock.' He avoided a maintenance drone by making a quick turn between buildings, throwing them all sideways.

'She's probably safer than we are right now,' James muttered as buildings became a blur.

'Even if they take the Normandy we can go to the Council and prove that you're the real Shepard,' Kaidan pointed out.

'No, we can't, the other Shepard changed the biometric scans,' James reminded them all.

'See,' Joker was once again safely joining traffic, 'can we just agree that it would be better to not let Shepard's evil clone steal my ship.'

'Don't worry,' Shepard reassured him, 'you'll get your ship back.' She gave his thigh a gentle squeeze and he gave her a weak smile.

'We'd better, I just got the seat how I like it.' His brow furrowed and he looked over at Shepard. 'you are the real Shepard, right? I mean, I heard enough before the feeds went down to know about her but how do I know the real one made it out.'

She grinned as her hand moved up his thigh, 'want me to prove it?'

'Okay, are we there yet?' James coughed from the back seat and Joker grinned.

'Definitely, later, ship to save remember,' Joker set them down as close as he dared and she gave him a light kiss on the cheek before getting out of the car, it was familiar and a sign that it was the real her. 'Hey, Commander,' Joker waited for her to look back at him, 'we have to save the Normandy because we have to save EDI. I hate to think what they would do to her.'

'We'll save them both,' she nodded, 'now go get the rest of the team.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he grinned and was lifting off before the door was sealed.

He was halfway back to the archives when his com crackled to life.

'Joker, can you hear me?'

'Hey, Steve, how did you get through?'

'EDI managed to get a tightbeam lock between omnitools, it's not stable though.' Steve's voice crackled as if to prove it.

'I'm on my way back,' Joker was glad of any communication, it made him feel not so alone.

'We're almost at the docks, I have EDI with me, the others all grabbed air cars of their own.'

'Okay, I'll turn around and meet you there.' Joker turned as he was speaking.

'Jeff, the Normandy is powering up,' EDI sounded scared and Joker wondered what would happen to her physical form if the Normandy left.

'We'll stop them, EDI,' he sounded more confident than he felt. 'I see you guys, I'll come to you.' Joker stopped the car and rushed to where Steve had stopped.

'What's the plan?' Steve asked as Joker slipped into the passenger's seat that EDI had vacated for him.

'Jeff, they have control, I'm afraid …' he spun to look at EDI as she seemed to jerk and spasm before slumping lifeless into the seat.

'Crap,' Joker watched anxiously, waiting for her to come back to life, hopefully as herself and not a tool to be used by the clone.

'That can't be good,' Steve sighed.

'The plan is anything we can do to stop them.' He glanced up as an all too familiar sound echoed across the docks. 'And we need to do it now!'

At that moment EDI shot upright.

'I'm okay,' she chirped and both men looked at her strangely.

'Really?' Joker tilted his head and Steve just chuckled.

With one eye looking sideways and the other not visible, a smile as wide as her face and her visor gone, EDI looked like something from a side show amusement stand. All they needed were the balls and for her to open her mouth.

'The clone has disabled my control of the Normandy, as well as all sensory input. I cannot lock her out or counteract her commands.'

'Are you still able to help?' Joker looked at her in concern.

'I am experiencing a significant feedback loop in my head,' she shook her head as if to clear it, 'and an increased desire to kill Shepard's clone.'

'Join the club,' Joker scoffed.

There was still no contact with Shepard and her team and Joker wasn't sure how many others made it on board. They watched in horror as the Normandy slipped from her berth and started the turn to leave the Citadel. Steve didn't hesitate though, he got them in the air to head off the ship.

Joker's fingers were itching to take control, to do something to save his ship, but as much as he hated to admit it, Steve had more experience in situations like this. He'd been a top line fighter pilot, and while the air car wasn't a fighter he instinctively flew it like it was. Joker couldn't help feeling a little jealous.

'Faster,' Joker cursed, 'we need to go faster.'

'We'll make it,' Steve shot them between buildings and they came up alongside the Normandy.

The Normandy was preparing for FTL and Joker was starting to panic. They weren't going to make it. His com crackled to life and he jumped.

'Shepard, can you hear me?'

Joker had never been so glad to hear Tali's voice. Behind him EDI shot back into full functionality with a choked sound and he glanced at her.

'I have a connection,' she informed him.

'Tali, I hear you. You broke through the jamming?' Shepard was breathing heavy but she was still alive, that was all Joker needed to hear.

'We did,' Liara sounded like she was running. 'It was difficult but we've disabled their tech.

'Commander, the Normandy is prepping for a jump to FTL.' Steve spoke beside him.

'Can you get to the bridge, like soon,' Joker was almost pleading.

'Negative,' Shepard responded, 'I'm busy in the shuttle bay.' The sound of gunfire echoed around her.

'Roger that, Commander, we'll proceed with plan B.' Steve fiddled with the controls and his omnitool.

'Plan B?' Joker looked at him with a frown then groaned as the car was tossed sideways.

'I have audio feed back,' EDI brought up the feed from inside the cargo hold.

Joker didn't have time to take much notice though as the car's safety protocols went off line and they veered in front of the Normandy where Steve proceeded to get in the pilot's way.

'Bait! Plan B is bait!' Joker sighed loudly and shook his head as the car ducked and darted in front of his ship.

Joker wasn't sure he'd call whoever was at the controls of the Normandy a pilot, anyone who knew what they were doing would have been able to avoid the air car with ease. He realised just how lucky they were as the Normandy started veering and weaving, trying to get around them. He almost laughed when the Normandy started firing on them, what did they hope to achieve other than destroying buildings on the Citadel or overheating the heat diffusion system. The car was too small a target and too close to the nose of the ship. He glanced down at a burning building below and wondered how many casualties there would be and who would be considered responsible. They'd be lucky if the Normandy was ever allowed to dock at the Citadel again.

'You need to stay within thirty degrees of the nose to prevent course plotting,' Joker advised Steve as he moved sideways.

'That makes us a perfect target,' Steve argued.

'No, that makes us the bait,' Joker scoffed. 'Do you want me to drive?'

'No!' Steve pulled them back into line.

Joker listened to the feed from the shuttle bay and chuckled at Shepard's biting comments as her clone continued to believe she could win this. The car was still presenting an obstacle to the ship and he was sure they were being tossed around inside. Behind them the hangar door opened and Joker groaned as a shuttle came after them.

'EDI, don't you have full control yet?' Joker looked at her over his shoulder as Steve avoided the shots from the shuttle.

'I believe ….. ' she broke into a smile, 'I have control, the ship can no longer go into FTL.'

'Thank you EDI,' Joker dropped back into his seat as the car shot between buildings with the shuttle on their tail. 'Commander, EDI has control of the Normandy, you just need to get that clone of our ship.'

'Roger that.'

Joker heard the roaring wind and realised the hangar bay was still open. He fiddled with his omnitool and brought up the camera feed from the bay just in time to see Shepard and her clone go rolling towards the edge of the ramp.

'Oh shit!' He felt his guts clench, if she fell from that height there was no way she could survive. 'We need to get back there.'

'On it,' Steve was weaving his way through the narrow gaps between buildings.

Finally the Normandy came back into view, they had lost the shuttle and Joker was impressed with Steve's flying. As he looked up at his ship his heart jumped into his mouth at the sight of two female bodies hanging off the edge of the ramp. Both looked identical from where he sat. Which one was his? He watched as James and Kaidan pulled one of them up, he could only trust they were helping the right one. As she stood and held out her hand to the other he had no doubt. He watched in horror as the clone let go and he wanted to be sick. The idea that it was Shepard and that she was dead made his blood run cold.

'Joker,' her voice was music in his ear. 'I'm okay.'

It was as if she was reading his thoughts. He sucked in a breath and shook off his fear. The moment the air car was safely in the hangar he was out of it and rushing over to take her in his arms. He needed to feel her, to know she was really safe. As her lips met his he had no doubt.

'It's really you,' he whispered as he pulled back and looked at her.

'Yes,' she smiled and ran her fingers down his cheek. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah,' he indicated over his shoulder at Steve, 'shuttle boy did some serious stunt flying to keep us in one piece.'

'It's nice to fly something other than the Kodiak, might have a turn at the Normandy next.' Steve chuckled at Joker's glare.

Minutes later Steve had Brooks in hand and Joker stared at her as Shepard pondered what would happen to her. He was actually glad when Brooks made the decision herself and tried to run, only to be shot. His gut instinct had been right all along and he made a mental note not to ignore it in future. Joker took Shepard's hand as the others started cleaning up the bay and EDI brought the ship back into dock. He pulled her aside and held her against him, her armour was in the way but he still managed hold her close.

'I thought I'd lost you when the clone fell,' he spoke softly into her hair.

'Really?' She grinned up at him, 'I didn't think she was that good a fighter. She had no hope of winning against the real Commander Shepard.'

'And that's why I love you,' Joker chuckled, 'your absolute sense of superiority.'

'It matches yours,' she smiled.

Joker laughed and kissed her. 'So shore leave, can we please find some quiet time for just us.'

'I think we can manage that,' she put her arm around him and joined the others as they exited the ship.

'Or we could have a party,' he suggested with gleam in his eye.

'Now that sounds like fun,' James came up behind them and put an arm around each of their shoulders. 'So, tonight at your place, Lola?'

'Looks like it,' she laughed at Joker's groan. 'Hey it was your idea.'

'Remind me to keep my mouth shut,' he shook his head in defeat. He had to admit though, he liked the idea, spending time with family, off the ship, just enjoying some quiet time. Certainly sounded good to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone else wonder how Joker knew about the clone and that it was stealing the Normandy? I always did.
> 
> Thanks to everyone reading and leaving kudos, glad to know others are enjoying the story.


	75. Chapter 75

_Cause all of me_   
_Loves all of you_   
_Love your curves and all your edges_   
_All your perfect imperfections_   
_Give your all to me_   
_I'll give my all to you_   
_You're my end and my beginning_   
_Even when I lose I'm winning_   
_'Cause I give you all of me_   
_And you give me all, all of you_

_How many times do I have to tell you_   
_Even when you're crying you're beautiful too_   
_The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood_   
_You're my downfall, you're my muse_   
_My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues_   
_I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you_

_**All of Me** _

_**John Legend** _

* * *

**** 75 ****

There was a warm body lying beside him, there was no hum from the Normandy's drive core, no blue glow from the fish tank and for a moment Joker was disoriented. Then he remembered. The body was the woman he loved, the bed was in their new apartment and there was a hot tub but no fish tank. He couldn't stop the grin as he thought about the hot tub, they'd certainly made the most of that so far. Beside him Ari snuggled closer and he slid his arm around her, enjoying the idea of lying in bed, just them. No ship to steer, no crew to interrupt, no missions, just a few hours of peace.

He knew they'd have to get up, soon, they had a party to organise. But he was content to doze, to enjoy the warmth and comfort a little longer. This was normal, this was what he hoped they would have eventually. He didn't want to face the reality that they may never have it, they might not come out of this war alive. He forced down the depressing thought and pulled Ari tight against his chest. He needed to believe they had a future. He so desperately wanted that future.

'Hey you,' he looked down to see her beautiful, sleepy eyes looking up at him in concern.

'Hey yourself,' he cupped her face in his palm and dropped his head to kiss her tenderly.

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing, just thinking,' he cursed himself for letting his fears intrude on their time.

'About,' she shifted so she could see him better, her hand rested on his chest and he wondered if she could feel his heart beat quicken.

'Nothing that matters right now,' he focused on the feel of her skin against his, the warmth of her body, the scent of her and the taste of her as he claimed her lips, making his want obvious.

He felt her pull away but he didn't want to talk, he didn't want her to see the fear in his eyes. He kept his lips on hers, firmly but passionately and as if she sensed his need her lips parted and tongues met in a dance that was familiar and welcoming. Her moan was music to him as his fingers brushed her nipples and worked their way across her hip, cupping her backside to hold her against him. His erection became trapped between them, it was pure bliss and pleasantly painful. He groaned as she lifted her leg, gently curving it over his hip and moving so he could feel her readiness for him.

As he slipped into her wet warmth he paused and broke the kiss. He gazed at the woman in his arms, she was everything he'd ever dreamed of and so much more, no words could ever convey the depth of his feelings for her and he hoped she understood just how much she meant to him. As if she knew what he was thinking she smiled and his world exploded, sensations overwhelmed him, the feel of her warmth around him drove him into movement. Slowly he thrust his hips and hers matched his exactly, their bodies moved in unison, he held her gaze as her fingers dug into his back and her eyes darkened but she didn't look away. He felt the pressure building and he tightened his grip on her backside as their thrusts became faster and deeper, still their eyes held and he saw the moment when she reached the edge and tumbled over, when her eyes closed as her body shivered in release. The feeling of her tightening around him was all he needed as he followed her.

'I love you,' he groaned as he came inside her, the world disappearing into a haze of euphoric explosion, his eyes finally closing as he buried his face in her neck.

'I love you,' she whispered, her breath ragged and her arms tight around him.

Joker didn't know how long they lay wrapped in each other, he didn't care. He was happy to stay there forever. Reality had to kick in at some time though and he felt Ari move, he hated the moment he slipped out of her and one became two again. She cupped his cheek and he lifted his head to look at her.

'You know we have to get up, right,' she grinned as he frowned at her. 'I believe you suggested a party, here, tonight.'

He moaned and rolled onto his back, loathe to break the body contact but knowing he had to. 'We could cancel it,' he looked at her hopefully. When they'd finally left the Normandy in the early hours of the morning he hadn't been thinking straight or he would never have opened his mouth.

'You want to be the one to tell James,' she laughed at his groan of displeasure, kissed him lightly and moved to the edge of the bed. 'We have to get party supplies so up you get, flyboy.'

Joker watched her saunter backwards across the room towards the bathroom and grinned at the obvious tease. He would love to join her in the shower but they hadn't slip proofed it yet and if they used the hot tub again they definitely wouldn't be going for party supplies. She grinned at him as she slipped around the corner and he heard the shower start.

He lay in bed listening to the water running and his thoughts wandered once again to the future. Assuming they survived what would their future be. Alliance soldiers till the day they died, him flying her wherever she needed to go, her going on missions until one day she didn't make it back. He squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn't live without her now, ever. He would gladly give up flying if it meant he would be with her, maybe he could teach at the academy, maybe she could too. Their kids could grow up with some sense of normality.

His eyes flashed open. Kids. He'd never thought of having kids, didn't want to pass on his disease, but now the idea had taken on new meaning. He wanted to have kids with Ari, he would love to see the combination of them in a child, without his disease preferably. It was something they'd never discussed, something they probably should. In a couple of months it would be their first anniversary, if they were still around to celebrate. He sat up in bed, his arms resting on his knees. What if they weren't? He'd had an idea in mind for some time now so maybe it was time to see it through.

'Shower's free.'

He looked up to see her standing in the doorway wrapped in a towel, her wet hair hanging around her face. She was beautiful and every time he thought that he fell in love all over again. He was becoming a hopeless romantic and there was no hope of stopping it. He got up and walked over to her, took her face in his hands and kissed her.

'You are so beautiful,' he brushed her hair from her face and she smiled at him.

'Keep this up and you'll need a cold shower.'

'Who say's I already don't,' he chuckled as she looked down before meeting his eyes again.

'Shower, flyboy,' she slapped him on the ass and pushed him into the bathroom.

* * *

Joker was leaning against the bar, trying his best to get free drinks by the old tall tales method while he waited for Ari. He was giving the bartender a detailed description of how he'd helped out during the Cerberus coup by defeating the troops on the docks with an Atlas mech. She scoffed in his face and he almost jumped when a voice spoke from behind him.

'I vouch for my pilot,' Shepard leant against the bar. 'He's pulled my ass out of danger multiple times.'

The Asari bartender stared in awe, 'Commander Shepard, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.' She covered her surprise by pouring them both a drink. 'On the house, Commander.'

Joker was grinning as she walked away to serve someone else. 'Nice timing.'

'Well, I think it's only fair I pull your ass out of the fire once in a while.'

'How did you go with Bryson's lab?' Joker hated that she'd had to go to work when they were supposed to be on leave but he knew she wouldn't let that stop her. He'd been partly glad though, it had given him the time he needed to organise something a little more personal.

'We have some leads to his daughter, might be useful.' She sipped her drink, 'did you get the supplies?'

'Yep,' he nodded, 'everything we need.'

'Guess we'd better get ready then.'

They finished their drinks and arm in arm headed home. It was strange to think that they had a home and Joker once more fought down the fear that this might be the only chance they had to say that. Several hours later, as he watched Shepard wander among their house guests he made a conscious decision that he would do everything in his power to make sure they did. This had to be possible or what the hell were they fighting for.

'She looks relaxed,' Garrus came to stand beside him where he leaned against the kitchen counter watching Ari talk with Jack, James and Kaidan.

'I hope so, I'm doing my best to make sure she gets some rest,' Joker sighed and took a swig of his beer. 'She still went to work this morning though.'

'Yeah, but at least she did it more relaxed,' Garrus nudged him gently and Joker chuckled.

'I guess so.'

'You looked deep in thought, something wrong?'

'No, just thinking, been doing a lot of that lately.'

'About?'

'The future,' Joker glanced up at Garrus who was nodding in understanding. 'Wondering if we have one.'

'We have one, Shepard will make sure of that.'

'Yeah, but at what cost?' Joker shuddered as a cold shiver passed through him.

'We have to make sure the cost is not too high,' Garrus placed his talon on Joker's shoulder, 'she, you, both of you deserve that much.'

'You too, buddy,' Joker raised his beer in a salute, 'in fact everyone in this place deserves it.'

'Yes they do,' Garrus lifted his drink and they both drank to it.

'Should I be worried about you two?' Shepard walked towards them with a grin.

'Nah,' Joker nodded towards Garrus, 'he's not my type.'

'I'm hurt,' Garrus feigned disappointment and they all laughed.

'This was a good idea,' Shepard wrapped her arms around him and settled against his shoulder.

'I do have them sometimes,' he kissed the top of her head.

The sound of Grunt yelling made them turn to where he was standing by the front door. With a sigh Shepard gave him a gentle squeeze and walked over to see what he was doing. Joker laughed when he realised that their pubescent Krogan was playing bouncer. He heard Wrex in the other room discussing tactics with Javik and he wasn't sure who would come out of that on top. It was great to see people from every variation of the Normandy in the same place, all getting along and sharing stories or comparing notes, even Jack was behaving herself. There were no uniforms tonight, it was all about forgetting why they were out here, the sight of his wife in jeans and t-shirt was a definite sign that everyone was equal, there were no ranks tonight. There were snatches of conversation all around him and he was enjoying the feeling of family that seemed to permeate their home. He wandered from one conversation to another, eventually ending up behind the bar pouring drinks, being careful not to over indulge, he didn't want to forget this night because he was drunk.

Someone changed the music and the dancing started. It was a release, everyone was letting go, making the most of the opportunity to celebrate life, friendship and family. Joker was sure he wasn't the only one thinking about the future. Before long though things began to wind down and Joker decided that now was the time.

'Glyph, where are you,' he called and the glowing orb appeared before him.

'Is it time?' The mechanical voiced asked and he nodded. The orb floated off into the living area and the music stopped.

Joker followed slowly to the sound of questioning voices and he chuckled. He was nervous but he wasn't going to let that hold him back. He stood beside the piano and looked for his wife, when he found her looking down at him from the upstairs balcony he signaled her to come down with his finger. As she came to stand beside him with a questioning look on her face he took her hand in his and cleared his throat. He gave her a smile and turned to look at everyone else who had gathered on the lower floor.

'Sorry to interrupt but I need to say something,' he looked at the expectant faces around him and continued. 'I think everyone here knows that Ari and I are married,' there were a few comments but he ignored them, 'we got married in secret, there was no reception, no party or celebration. Right here, right now I want to fix that.' He pulled a small box from his pocket, 'Ari, I love you more than words can ever say, you're my life, my everything. I wanted to get you something for our anniversary,' he held up his hand as she went to interrupt. 'I know, it's not for a couple of months yet, but just in case,' his voice broke and she squeezed his hand gently, 'I want you to know, to understand what you mean to me.'

He handed her the box and watched as she opened it and lifted a silvery blue heart from its bed. She gasped and glanced up at him with moist eyes as she held it in her hand and read the words engraved on the front.

'Always and forever,' he'd promised her that once and he'd meant it.

'Turn it over,' he said softly.

'Jeff and Ari,' she choked on emotion as she spoke and he took her trembling hand in his.

'There's more,' he placed his thumb on the top edge of the heart and a small holo popped up, an image of them from their wedding, the look of love on their faces obvious for all to see. 'It's made from pieces of the Normandy, one and two,' he chuckled as she looked at him, 'don't worry I haven't left holes in the ship. Garrus brought me back a piece from the SR-1 on Alchera and I took a piece from the hull when they were refitting the SR-2 on Earth.'

'It's beautiful,' she had tears rolling down her face as she kissed him.

'I haven't finished yet,' he stroked his fingers down her face as their foreheads rested against each other. He took a deep breath and looked up, everyone in the room was either teary eyed or struggling to hide it. 'You are our family and though you most of you weren't there for our wedding I think it only right that you get to see us have our wedding dance.' He pulled Ari into his arms and smiled as she looked at him in surprise. 'Glyph.'

The music started and Joker slowly began to rock and shuffle them around the floor. He'd chosen this particular song because it conveyed everything he ever wanted to say. He could see she was listening to the words as one line in particular made her smile through her tears. She had accepted him with all his imperfections and it only made him love her more. As he held her in his arms, felt her trembling with emotion, he had never been more determined to make sure they survived. As others joined them on the small dance floor he hoped everyone survived, that they didn't have to suffer the pain of loss. They'd lost enough already.

The song ended and one by one their guests came up and hugged them both, they might not have had the big wedding where everyone had been there but this was better. This was personal, intimate in many ways and it was perfect.

'Nicely done,' Garrus stood beside Joker as he watched Ari show off her gift.

'She deserves it.'

Joker had one more thing to do and as he took his wife's hand he was glad he'd had the time and opportunity to do this.

'Everyone gather round the lounge,' he made sure they were sat right in the centre and waited till everyone had positioned themselves around them. 'Glyph.'

'Ready.'

'Everyone say, Normandy,' he grinned and pulled Ari into his chest as she laughed. As the image appeared on the large screen he knew he'd been right to capture this moment in time. A perfect moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry for the sappiness, blame it on two things - I wrote this chapter on our 36th wedding anniversary and it always makes me sappy (blame it on my hubby who is a true romantic on the day) and I was listening to the song - All of Me by John Legend. If you haven't listened to it do yourself a favour and YouTube it.
> 
> I promise we'll get back to the adventure shortly.


	76. Chapter 76

**** 76 ****

Four days of shore leave was something everyone needed but tomorrow it was back to work. The repairs were finished and there were already missions waiting for them. It was ending on a much better note than it began, but it could have been longer. Joker had left Shepard with Tali to watch Fleet and Flotilla while he went to watch the boys in the Armax Arena, as if they didn't get enough gunfire.

'Hey, Joker,' James welcomed him as he walked through the door. 'You ready for this?'

'What, watching you all get your kicks, nothing new for me,' Joker scoffed and looked over at the viewing windows for somewhere to sit. The place was almost empty so he had plenty of choice.

'Not this time,' James grinned at him and gently took hold of his arm. 'This time you're joining us.'

'What!' Joker tried to pull his arm from James' grasp but failed.

'Trust us,' Garrus came up behind him, we'll take care of you.

Joker stared at them in disbelief. He wasn't a combat marine, there was a good chance he'd end up with something broken. While he'd always wondered what it was like to take part in battle he'd accepted the fact long ago that he just wasn't capable.

'Look, Joker,' Garrus took his other arm and chuckled, 'come downstairs and see what we've got for you. If you still don't want to do this then we'll understand.'

'We'll start with something easy,' James shrugged, 'you might actually enjoy it.'

'Fine, but if I end up broken you can explain it to Shepard,' he allowed them to lead him down into the change rooms.

'Joker,' Kaidan looked up and smiled at the obvious fear on his face. 'We've modded this armour for you, it will protect you'

'The weapons are modded to the specs we used on the Collector mission,' Jacob assured him.

Joker looked at the armour, pistol and assault rifle that were obviously waiting for him. He glanced around at the faces, all eagerly awaiting his response. Garrus, James, Kaidan, Jacob and Steve. These were the warriors he watched go into battle, well not so much Steve, they were experts at what they did but they were willing to let him join them.

'Hey, I'm not on their level either,' Steve reminded him with a grin.

'Yeah, but you have more experience than me and you can run,' Joker grimaced but there was a great sense of brotherhood about the whole thing and he so wanted to be a part of that. These men were accepting him as one of their own and it felt good. 'Okay, suit me up. How hard can holographic simulations be?'

'Yes,' James almost cheered and everyone chuckled.

When he was fully enclosed in his new outer skin he was amazed at just how light and flexible everything was yet he felt fully protected. James showed him how to keep his shields up, Kaidan gave him a program for his omni tool and showed him how to sabotage weapons while Garrus handed him a pistol modded with incendiary rounds and Jacob gave him the assault rifle with armour piercing rounds. Steve slapped him on the back with a grin and Joker didn't feel a thing.

'Who do you want to take on first?' Kaidan asked as he brought up their options. 'We've all played before so everything is available.'

'I've always wanted to kill the bastards who took down and invaded the Normandy.'

'Collectors it is then,' Kaidan chuckled and set up the scenario.

His hands were shaking and his guts churning as they stepped into the arena, he didn't want to look like an idiot and let everyone down. They'd picked a scenario that had plenty of cover and set him up where he could see the field of play but was out of the way of the main point of battle. That didn't stop him from panicking as the countdown began.

From his position he could see everyone else as the enemies popped into being. He watched as they moved around the arena, taking down enemies one after another and he felt like he was letting them down. An opportunity arose and without thinking he stood and shot a collector that was approaching James from behind. James glanced over his shoulder as the collector went down and waved at Joker in thanks. His shield sizzled as a shot glanced his shoulder and he looked across to see a collector aiming at him. Instinctively he shot back, aiming for the torso as Shepard had once suggested. He took great pride in watching the creature fall. He could do this.

By the time the first round was over he was feeling a little more confident and by the end of the third round he was eager for more. They might be holographic simulations but they came across as real, enough to make him fearful but he was enjoying the challenge. He'd managed to shoot multiple targets, sabotage some weapons and protect his team mates. He hadn't moved much though and one of the others had stayed relatively close at all times but he found himself wanting to get more involved. He didn't like feeling like a burden and preventing others from enjoying their time. Three scenarios later he was running on adrenaline. He'd been moving around the arena, not at speed but enough to be able to help and he was definitely more confident in his abilities. He'd always been observant and quick thinking so staying on the edge of the field and watching the others came naturally. He could see when a target got too close and he either shot or sabotaged weapons, often when the target came up behind someone.

'Having fun,' James was setting up another scenario, a little harder than the last.

'Yeah,' Joker couldn't stop the grin that formed. He was physically tired but he wasn't ready to stop yet. 'Nowhere near as good as you guys but definitely having fun.'

'Don't sell yourself short,' a gravelly voice sounded from behind them as Zaeed walked down the stairs. 'I've been watching and you're doing all right, mind if I join in.'

'Nah,' James chuckled, 'the more the merrier.'

'Guess that means we can come too.'

Joker looked up to see Wrex and Grunt walking towards them. If he'd felt intimidated before he was even more so now.

'Sure it's not going to be too easy for you,' Joker asked, contemplating leaving and letting them have serious fun.

'Maybe to start, but we'll have you on the expert levels before you leave.' Wrex dropped his hand onto Joker's shoulder and even though there was no pain there was certainly pressure and he felt his knees shudder.

'You're Shepard's mate,' Grunt gave him the once over, 'you can do this.' His familiar laugh echoed around the room and Joker shook his head. Even the krogans had confidence in him and that meant more to him than anyone would ever know.

Word had got around that the Normandy crew was in the arena and Joker jumped as a huge cheer went up when they re-entered the arena and it was even louder when their score appeared on the board. They were laughing and celebrating their win and Joker had never felt so alive in his life. He loved the sound of the krogan battle cry as they charged forward and while he knew it wasn't the real thing it was close enough for him. He was overwhelmed by the sense of mateship, the trust they had put in him to stand by their side, to make him part of their team. They took it upon themselves to protect him when necessary, someone was always there when there was a chance of him being overwhelmed or stuck but it didn't feel like pity or doubt. It was support, back up of a teammate.

There were hundreds of people crammed at the viewing windows and they were all cheering for them. Vega made the most of it and raised his arms while circling the arena. The cheers got louder. Joker felt his throat go dry as he realised they were all on show. Now was not a good time to let the team down. He was contemplating leaving when the door opened and Shepard, Tali, Liara and Jack walked in. The crowd above roared and Joker was sure he could feel the ground shake. Almost the entire team from both versions of the Normandy were now in the arena and the difficulty level was extremely high. He would bet that the owners were rubbing their hands with glee at the publicity they'd get from this.

'What's the idea,' Shepard looked at them as they prepared for the next scenario. 'Having fun and not inviting us.'

The small group of females was standing proud, weapons at the ready and Joker could only imagine how it looked to those above them. These were formidable warriors, heroes to many and he was standing with them. It didn't matter that he was only the pilot, that he didn't get to take down enemies with a gun. Right now he was a part of something unique and he revelled in it.

He was still thinking about leaving though, this was probably beyond his capabilities and he didn't want to embarrass himself or the team. Then Shepard looked at him and the pride in her eyes changed his mind. He could do this. The battlefield appeared around them and Shepard indicated a high spot with cover so he followed her guidance. Garrus moved beside him and gave him an overload program, Joker was comfortable with tech so it didn't take him long to work out how to use it. Garrus pulled out his sniper rifle and settled himself in position with a nod at Joker. He knew Garrus was relying on him to watch his back, this he could do and he nodded to let Garrus know he was ready.

Things moved extremely fast now. Joker was pretty sure this was close to the real thing and the adrenaline rush was euphoric. He could understand why for some this would be addictive. He was using the overload between shots as Marauders appeared in his line of sight. He glanced across the field of battle and was a little flustered as three husks shuffled towards them. He was quickly trying to work out the best way to take them down when they suddenly left the ground and floated above him. He made short work of shooting them and glanced at Kaidan as he rushed away. Biotics were definitely handy.

There was no time to think as their position was compromised. Garrus switched to his assault rifle and side by side they disposed of the approaching husks. The two Marauders behind them took a bit longer but eventually they too were gone. Another group of husks was heading their way but a singularity appeared followed by an explosive shot from Shepard and James. Joker was beginning to understand how Shepard chose her teams, their skills complemented each other very well and picking the right team member could make all the difference to the mission. He had a new found respect for her decision making capabilities and the success of her missions.

Several scenarios later he'd had enough and it seemed everyone else had too. They slapped each other on the back, gave each other high fives, all to the roaring of the crowd above. Once stripped of armour and back in normal clothes they all made their way upstairs. Joker thought the crowd would have disappeared once the show was over but he was wrong. There was a mob waiting for them, cheering them, calling their names, asking for autographs, taking photos. Shepard and most of the crew took it in their stride but for him it was a new sensation. He balked a little at the thought of having to push his way through but he needn't have worried.

Shepard came up beside him, 'enjoy it, you've earned it.' She was smiling as she slipped her arm around his waist and he instinctively put his arm around her shoulder.

Garrus and James positioned themselves on his other side to create a barrier between him and the crowd, Wrex and Grunt moved in front and everyone else gathered around them. He was safely ensconced in a people cocoon and while it bothered him that they had to do that to protect him he felt nothing but pride as they walked out together. But they weren't just protecting him he realised, they were protecting Shepard, giving her the space to prevent groping hands from reaching her. If there were any threats in this crowd they'd have a damned hard time getting to her and him. This was what teamwork was all about and they were one hell of a team.

* * *

Memories. That was what Joker would take away from their shore leave. Moments in time that meant the world to him. He ran his finger along the kitchen bench where only a few hours earlier he'd prepared breakfast for two, all the time fighting off nimble fingers that darted in to grab bacon or toast as Shepard danced around him. Her laughter at his half-hearted attempts to catch her was something he would never forget.

He looked out at the living areas where they'd spent time cuddled up watching vids or simply talking. He couldn't help the grin as he thought about the other things they'd done on those sofas, Javik was sure to be uncomfortable if he came to visit again. Maybe they should have them professionally cleaned. He wondered if Javik had picked up on what they'd done in the hot tub when he'd been curled up drunk on their bathroom floor. Probably not, he was too busy shouting about how he was their emperor and all primitives should bow to him.

That had been one hell of a night. James standing strong against the biotics in the place, Tali panicking over cheese, Zaeed had turned up unexpectedly and he and Garrus had spent the night discussing how to booby trap the place, Joker wasn't sure they hadn't set something up and forgotten about it. But it was the quiet visits that meant a lot too. They'd held a memorial for Thane and almost everyone had passed through the place individually for one reason or another.

He stood at the door and took a last look around. There was a good chance they wouldn't get back here and that made the memories so much more precious. With a sigh he walked out and locked the door behind him. Time was up.

He was strongly beginning to believe in timing being everything. As he stepped from the air car on the docks the elevator opened and the rest of the team stepped out. Together they walked to the viewing platform where Shepard was leaning on the rail waiting for them, her day had started earlier with a visit to the Council and Spectre office. As one they stopped and looked out at the ship that had become more than just a collection of nuts and bolts holding a skin in place, more than the power flowing through her, more than just something that got them from one place to another. He moved beside Shepard, placing his hand in hers and linking their fingers. The Normandy wasn't just a ship, she was home. She was where all this began and probably where it would end. She was their protection and their defence, but she was only a part of a whole. Anyone could fly her, crew her, but this crew, they made her special, made her legendary. She was as much a hero as they were.

'All right, game on,' he felt Shepard's grip tighten slightly.

'At least we threw one hell of a party, probably the last one,' she sighed and he turned to face her, cupping her chin so she would look at him.

'The last one until you finish kicking the Reaper's asses you mean. Cause that's the plan.' She smirked at him and rolled her eyes and he chuckled. 'Can't wait to see what you make us do next.' He pulled her close and kissed her tenderly, 'it's been a good ride.' He stroked the side of her face and watched as she smiled at him.

'The best,' she cupped his face as around them everyone moved towards the gangway.

Hand in hand they entered the ship, knowing that the end was near, that anything could happen. There was no hesitation, no doubt. This was what they did; this was why they were heroes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know Joker probably wouldn't go into the Armax Arena but I wanted to give him a moment of fun, to feel like one of the boys. I like to think that they'd all look out for him too. So I'm a softie and romantic ;p Hope you enjoyed it anyway.
> 
> If you haven't seen the end where Joker speaks to an unromanced Shepard check out FluffyNinjaLlama's Citadel DLC all ending vid on YouTube, Joker is the last one.


	77. Chapter 77

**** 77 ****

'Joker,' Kaidan strode onto the bridge.

'What's up,' Joker made sure their course was correct before turning to face him.

'We've been studying the reports coming off the Crucible and we have a couple of questions for you,' he fiddled with a datapad as he gathered his thoughts.

'We?'

'EDI, Liara, Traynor, Tali and myself,' Kaidan looked up at him.

'Okay, shoot.'

'There seems to be a consensus that any active Reaper tech will be affected if we get the Crucible to fire. We know EDI and the Normandy contain Reaper tech so we wanted to know if you can still handle the Normandy without EDI and everything that is connected to her.'

'Ah, yeah, she's still a ship and she'll still fly,' Joker shrugged at him.

'We know that, but so much of EDI is spread throughout the ship, the defence systems, navigation. Since you unshackled her she's been slowly taking over or linking in to more and more of the ship's functions.'

'It was not a deliberate plan on my part,' EDI sounded apologetic. 'It just seemed more efficient to have the ability to take control if necessary, in case the crew was unable to perform their duties.'

'It's okay EDI,' Joker smirked at Kaidan and tried to ignore the images of the crew under attack from Collectors that rushed into his head, 'I'm sure he's not accusing you of wanting to take over.'

'Of course not,' Kaidan looked at her in surprise. 'I agree with your logic, but, as you pointed out, that means that if you are incapacitated some of those functions won't work or will only work with limited capacity.' He looked back to Joker, 'hence the question.'

'Look, if you give me engines, thrusters, navigation and basic electronics I can handle it, it would be nice to have life support though,' he chuckled at the glare he received in return. 'Just saying,' he held up his hands in defence.

'Good,' Kaidan nodded and made notes on his datapad. 'Tali and Edi are working at creating a VI to take over in case …. well, in case the worst happens.' His eyes met Joker's who nodded in understanding. 'If EDI has to go offline that means the ship will go dark temporarily while the switch over takes place.'

'Right, so find somewhere quiet for a few minutes,' Joker sighed and hoped it wouldn't come down to that but he was already running scenarios in his head. 'What's the timing on the change over?'

'We'll make it as quick as possible, if it's a planned shutdown you'll have time and warning, otherwise ….'

'Yeah, yeah, uncontrolled flight, loss of power and weapons so keep my fingers crossed it doesn't happen in the middle of a firefight.' Joker sounded flippant but he was well aware of how serious things could become, he'd have to adjust his piloting for just in case scenarios. 'I get it.'

'We'll keep you updated,' Kaidan made a note on his datapad and turned to walk away.

'What about non active Reaper tech?' Joker watched him stop and turn, a puzzled frown on his face. 'What happens to that when the Crucible fires?'

'I guess we have to hope it's affected too,' Kaidan sighed and shrugged.

'But EDI will be non-active at the time.' The thoughtful look on Kaidan's face told Joker that he hadn't thought of that. 'And if it's not? What about the Geth, are we going to warn them?'

'Yes on the Geth, EDI is keeping them informed and they've offered assistance if we need it, they're running their own scenarios.' He chuckled and shook his head, 'who would have thought we'd be working with them. As for the inactive Reaper tech, if it doesn't get destroyed I guess we'll still be fighting a war. Hopefully there won't be much of it left so it will be easier to take down. I guess we have to hope for that outcome if we want to save EDI and the Geth.'

'That would be my wish as well,' EDI said solemnly.

'Joker,' Shepard spoke into his earpiece, 'how long to Namakil?'

'About two hours,' Joker double checked his screens, 'No sign of activity in system, yet, Commander.'

'Thanks, can you let Kaidan and Garrus know to be ready.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he looked up at Kaidan, 'guess you'd better suit up.'

'Roger that,' Kaidan nodded and sighed, 'wonder what we'll find this time.'

'With any luck something that will help defeat the Reapers, in case the Crucible doesn't work, you know.'

'Yeah,' Kaidan sounded as concerned as Joker felt and as he watched him walk away he couldn't shake the feeling that things were only going to get worse from here on. He just hoped they were ready for it.

* * *

'Seriously!' Joker cursed as he dropped the Normandy into a lower orbit.

'Yeah, looks like the Reapers beat us here.' Steve swore as he avoided a harvester and headed to a higher altitude. 'There are dozens of harvesters and troops on the ground. Shepard's trying to get to Ann but coms are erratic.'

'That explains why I've lost the feed.' Joker checked his scanners yet again, 'there are no Reapers in orbit so I suppose that's a good thing.'

'Come and get us,' James dashed onto the bridge, 'we can be suited up and ready to go in minutes.'

'No good, it's too hot to try and do another drop. I'll just have to wait for Shepard to get Ann to a drop point.'

'Stay out of the way, Steve,' Joker knew he didn't have to tell him what to do but he wanted to make sure Shepard would be picked up.

'Roger that,' Steve chuckled, 'not quite ready to take on harvesters in the Kodiak. Wouldn't have been a problem in my Trident.'

'Again with the Trident,' James shook his head in mock boredom.

'You're just jealous that my gun was bigger than yours,' Steve retorted and Joker laughed at the scowl on James' face. 'Will keep you posted.'

Joker's hands flew over the console as he maintained their orbit, too low the planet's gravity would pull him down, too high and he was too far out for a fast pick up. He hated not knowing what was happening on the ground but his belief in Shepard kept his fear at bay, mostly.

'EDI, can we enhance the scanners, see what's going on down there?' Surely there had to be something he could do.

'I have been attempting to increase the scanner and com strength but the Reaper forces are jamming any attempts.'

'How are they doing that?' Joker was puzzled, 'they weren't able to do that a few weeks ago, their jamming was weaker and we could break through it.'

'It would appear that they are learning,' EDI sounded impressed and Joker glanced at her. 'Eventually communication may not be possible at all as they develop new jamming technology, they are also destroying com buoys. Their interaction with the various species seems to give them knowledge quickly. '

'You mean their harvesting of species,' Joker frowned.

'I thought they were already smart enough for that.' James commented as he propped himself against the rail alongside Joker.

'They are intelligent, yes, but like any artificial intelligence it would appear that they need time to learn about each cycle and their technological advancements, otherwise they would have already won.'

'Thanks for the vote of confidence,' Joker scoffed.

'It is a logical conclusion,' EDI sat back and looked at him. 'The Reapers lie dormant out in dark space until the time comes to begin the next cycle. They only have basic knowledge of the species they will encounter and can only judge their technological level by their interactions with Reaper technology. Some races develop on their own, independent of Reaper technology, like humans, until they come into contact with other races already using the supplied technology.'

'So basically they have to learn about us so they can kill us in the best way possible,' Joker shook his head.

'Yes, however, that doesn't stop them from destroying civilisations along the way.'

'So how do they know when the time is right?' James was frowning and Joker was reminded that he hadn't had the same contact with Reapers as Shepard and himself.

'Oh, every fifty thousand years they wake up and decide to wipe out life as we know it.' Joker informed him with a casual wave of his hand.

'That is not entirely accurate.' EDI corrected and Joker rolled his eyes at her. 'It is the common belief that a signal from their technology wakes a dormant Reaper still in the galaxy when life has reached a certain level.'

'Back on the SR-1, when all this started there was a salarian scientist who was studying the Keepers,' Joker rubbed his brow as he thought about it. 'Apparently the Keepers have something to do with sending or receiving a signal that lets the Reapers know it's time.'

'You mean those buggy things on the Citadel work for the Reapers!' James couldn't hide his surprise.

'They used to,' Joker turned to see him better. 'The protheans figured it out and altered the signal so the Keepers couldn't activate the Citadel which is a giant mass relay that links to dark space. Unfortunately it was too late for the protheans.' Joker was lost in memory for a moment as he remembered the Battle for the Citadel. 'That's why Sovereign had to use an organic, Saren, to do his dirty work. After that it was the collectors.'

'So who's doing their dirty work in this cycle?' James frowned at him.

'It would appear that no one race or person is working for them in this cycle, although the Illusive Man appears to be indoctrinated so Cerberus could be considered to be doing their dirty work.' EDI pointed out. 'There are indoctrinated individuals spread throughout the galaxy. The geth were also used but have since been freed from their control. The Reapers are possibly disadvantaged by this.'

'Doesn't stop them from wiping us out though.' Joker added.

'No, it does not, but it will take them longer.' EDI pointed out. 'Liara has estimated that it took one hundred years for the protheans to be wiped out, she does not believe it will take as long this time.'

'But we'll stop them, right,' James didn't sound the least bit confident and Joker could understand why.

'Of course we will, we have Shepard, we can't lose,' Joker reassured him but even he couldn't hide the doubt in his voice.

'There is a high probability that we will succeed with Shepard leading us.' EDI paused and looked at them both, 'there is also a high probability that she will die in the process.'

'No!' Joker didn't hide the anger in his voice. 'She's already given her life once, she can't do it again.' _I can't lose her again, I can't live without her now._ He fought down the bile that rose in his throat.

'Shepard's a survivor,' James placed his hand on Joker's shoulder. 'If anyone survives this it will be her.'

'Joker,' as if sensing his fear her voice came through his earpiece.

'Commander,' he sighed in relief, 'good to hear your voice.'

'We're on our way back, we need to head to the Citadel.'

'Roger that,' he set the ship in motion as the shuttle appeared on his scanners.

'Hopefully she's got another clue,' James gave Joker a final pat on the shoulder and left.

Joker waited for the familiar steps behind him, he knew Shepard would shower and file her report but her first stop after that was always the bridge. True to form she arrived with coffees in hand.

'EDI, give us the bridge for a while please,' she sounded tired and Joker glanced up in concern.

'Of course, Commander, I will join Tali in engineering.'

'Thanks,' Shepard slid into the vacated chair after handing Joker his coffee.

'You okay,' he checked their course for the relay before turning to look at her.

'Yeah, it was a tiring mission,' she sipped her coffee with a distant look on her face. 'I had to tell Ann about her father's death.'

'Damn,' Joker said softly. 'Is she okay?'

'She will be, but it's never easy losing a parent,' she met his eyes and he could see sympathy there for him. 'Have you heard anything about your dad?'

'No, Liara's still looking but with everything else she's got happening I don't expect my family to take priority. I'm not the only one with missing relatives.' He watched her as she turned to look out into space, there was still a flicker of doubt there but she was definitely getting over her fear of it. 'So, the Leviathian, are we any the wiser?'

'Maybe, there were some rock paintings that look like Reapers but were actually Leviathians. Ann thinks we might be able to trace them through their spheres. That's what the Reaper troops were after.

'Is that a good idea, don't they take over whoever is close to them?' He had a horrible feeling that she was going to sacrifice herself to find out.

'Apparently, Ann was under their control while we were on the planet until we destroyed the sphere. She thinks that because she's already been used she might be able to help by using the sphere in her father's lab.' She sighed and met his stare, 'don't worry, I'm not volunteering this time.'

'Glad to hear it,' the corner of his mouth lifted and she chuckled.

'How long to the Citadel?'

'Assuming a clear run, we should be there tomorrow.'

'Okay,' she slowly pulled herself out of the chair. 'I'm going to check on Ann. I'll see you for dinner.'

'Of course,' he leaned up as she bent down to kiss him.

Then she was gone and he was alone. He double checked his screens and started running scenarios, trying to work out the best way to fly 'just in case'. He had a really strong feeling he was going to need that knowledge.

* * *

They were only on the Citadel for a few hours before they were once again heading out, following another lead. The war seemed to have taken a back seat to finding this Leviathan and while Joker wasn't complaining he just wanted the whole thing to be over. Hopefully finding this Leviathan might give them the weapon they needed to do it. All they had to do was find it, this was the third and last system so it had to be here.

A scream behind him made him jump and he spun quickly, expecting to find someone on fire or bleeding out. It sounded like a husk but that wasn't possible. He was almost right.

'Hey Joker,' James was walking towards him carrying what appeared to be a husk head on a platform.

'James, is there something I should know. Have you been hanging around those cannibals too long?'

'No, man,' he held up his prize and grinned. 'Found it in Bryson's lab and Ann told me I could have it.'

Joker shuddered as the head screamed again and he saw the crew in the CIC look up in horror. He also saw Javik storming his way forward. He hid his smirk under his cap as the unsuspecting James spun in surprise at Javik's hand on his shoulder.

'In my cycle you would have been shot for bringing that abomination on board,' Javik definitely wasn't happy.

'Hey, take it easy, it's just a bit of fun.' James stepped back and held up his hand which made the husk head scream again.

'You and your fun should be tossed out the airlock,' Javik ripped the head from James' hand and dropped it to the floor which made it scream louder. Javik was yelling in Prothean as he stomped on it, not stopping until it was a pulpy mess on the deck. With a final glare at James he stormed back through the CIC.

Joker couldn't hold in his laughter any longer and he guffawed at the look of shock on James' face. James looked at him before looking back to the floor and running his hands through his hair.

'I don't think he appreciates your idea of fun,' Joker said between chuckles.

'Damn, I was enjoying scaring a few people with that.' James shook his head, the crestfallen look on his face making Joker laugh even more.

'I hope you're going to clean up my bridge,' Joker was forcing himself not to laugh as James scowled at him. A ping behind him made him turn back to his console. 'You'd better do it quick, we'll be reaching our next search point in about half an hour.' He was still chuckling as James went to find cleaning supplies while he dropped them out of FTL and began system scans to check for Reapers.

'How are we doing, Joker,' Shepard came up behind him and looked at the puddle of goo on the floor.  'Something I should know?'

'Na, just Javik not appreciating James' sense of humour.  System appears clean,' he brought up the scanner screens. 'If they're here they're well hidden.'

'Okay, let's do this and hope it works.'

'Roger that, we have to find something here or we're back to square one.'

Two hours later Joker was regretting his words as all contact with the shuttle and team was lost. The last data burst had shown them heading for nothing but water and while the shuttle was rated to a reasonable depth if they were underwater there was no way he could get them out.

'EDI, give me something,' he was really starting to worry now and he fought down the pain in his chest.

'The last burst indicated some sort of pulse, it is most likely what disabled the shuttle and jammed our signals.' She flicked across a few screens, 'I am unable to find the source or a landmass.'

'Well, we'll just have to go and find them.' Joker was already setting a course into the atmosphere.

'That would be unwise, the pulse will affect the Normandy the same as the shuttle. The Normandy is not rated for undersea travel.' EDI sounded like she was trying not to hurt him. 'The shuttle is most likely disabled, Jeff. Steve is a very capable pilot and we have to trust that he can get them back. We just have to hope they are still alive.'


	78. Chapter 78

**** 78 ****

'Jeff, I am detecting a Reaper signal approaching our location.' EDI informed him.

'Shit!' Joker brought up his screens. It had been almost two hours since the shuttle disappeared with only a broken message about an hour ago that at least let him know they were still alive, but that disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Since then nothing and he was on the edge of panic, an incoming Reaper only added to his fear. 'How long till it gets here?'

'Approximately two minutes.'

'Fuck!' His hands flew across the console, 'all hands brace for evasive manoeuvres.' He forced the ship into movement, ignoring the flashing lights that warned him the ship wasn't quite ready for it as he put them into stealth mode.

His instincts were screaming at him to head down to the planet and pick them up but logic told him EDI was right. Whatever took out the shuttle could take out the Normandy so he'd had to bide his time and wait. Scans picked up nothing, it was as if the planet they could see out the viewing ports didn't exist. Yet it was there. Something incredibly powerful was on that planet, Shepard and her team were down there dealing with it and there was nothing he could do.

'Joker, what's going on?' Garrus rushed up behind him.

'Incoming Reaper,' Joker was making a dash for the curve of the planet, hoping it would keep them off the Reaper's scans long enough to put the planet between them and it, maybe giving them a hiding place for a while.

He was trying not to think of Shepard, stuck on the planet below with an incoming Reaper to add to whatever was happening down there. He could only hope she'd survive, that he would be holding her again very soon. Right now he had a ship and crew to consider and as they silently fled he watched for any indication that they'd been seen.

'Any word from Shepard?' Garrus was holding on to the back of his seat.

'No.'

'The Reaper is heading towards the surface, it appears we have not been seen.'

'Thanks, EDI,' Joker allowed himself to relax a little, his hands resting on the console but his eyes never leaving his screens as the Reaper dropped into the planet's atmosphere.

'Normandy, we're heading back.' Steve's voice echoed around the bridge

'Roger that, you have a Reaper incoming,' Joker was both relieved and terrified and he wasn't sure which emotion was winning.

'Hang on!' Cortez yelled through the open com.

'What the fuck!' James cursed.

Joker held his breath, waiting for some kind of sign that they were still safe and on their way back and he needed to hear Shepard's voice. The fact that she hadn't spoken yet made his stomach churn.

'Is everyone okay?' He tried to hide the fear in his voice but it must have carried through.

'I'm here, Jeff,' her voice was shaky and as much as it put his mind at ease it was obvious she wasn't okay.

'It's good to hear your voice,' he said softly and he heard Garrus let out a relieved sigh behind him. 'What happened to the Reaper?'

'Leviathian took it down,' Cortez informed him.

Joker glanced at Garrus who obviously shared his surprise. This would be an interesting mission debrief. He was thankful that there was going to be one. There was something wrong though, Shepard was unusually quiet.

'Joker, can you let Doc know she has an incoming patient,' Kaidan spoke over Shepard's insistence that she was fine. 'Mild hypothermia and exhaustion.'

'Roger that,' Joker passed on the message to the med bay knowing that if Kaidan was concerned he needed to make sure Shepard had no choice but to follow mission protocols. Once the field medic gave orders for an incoming patient said patient had to be cleared by a doctor for return to duty. He'd deal with Shepard's anger later, he knew how much she hated being sent to med bay.

'Fine,' he grinned at her exasperated sigh. 'Joker we need to head for Thessia.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he could just see her rolling her eyes as he added, 'Doc's waiting for you.'

They were heading out of system by the time Kaidan appeared on the bridge. From the frustrated look on his face he guessed Shepard hadn't been happy about going to med bay.

'What happened?' Joker spun to face him.

'What usually happens,' he dropped into the co-pilot's chair that EDI had recently vacated. 'The mission didn't go to plan, Shepard took it upon herself to go deep ocean diving while we kept the Reaper forces at bay.' Joker could see the effort he put into lifting his hands and running them through his hair.

'Is she okay?'

'Yeah, I managed to warm her up in the shuttle, she was so cold.' He shivered and Joker could almost feel the cold seeping through him. 'Damnit, Joker, if she'd got stuck down there we couldn't have helped her.'

'Welcome to my world,' Joker scoffed. 'We weren't even sure if you were still alive.'

'All's well that ends well, right,' Kaidan stood up and rested his hand on Joker's shoulder. 'Chakwas has her resting in med bay if you want to go see her.'

'I'll do that,' Joker nodded. 'Kaidan, thanks, for taking care of her.'

'Anytime.'

Joker knew EDI didn't need her physical body on the bridge to control the ship but it just felt right waiting for her to return. Once she had he made his way to med bay. While he knew Shepard was safe and okay he needed to see for himself, something that was happening more often and he knew there was no chance of it stopping. Events were closing in on them, things were happening faster and the sense of dread that hung over everything was getting heavier. The end was coming and as much as he liked to think they could all come out of it alive he wasn't ignorant of reality. There was a good chance they wouldn't and that included Shepard. He forced his maudlin thoughts aside as he stepped through the door and she looked up at him.

'Hey you,' he was smiling as he walked towards her, noticing the pale colour of her skin and the shake in her hands.

'Hey yourself,' she took his hand as he stopped beside the bed and the coldness surprised him but he didn't let it show.

'You're still here, doc must have threatened you with sedation.' He laughed at her scowl. 'I hear you've been deep sea diving,' he brushed a lock of hair from her forehead.

'Yeah, it was a bit hairy for a while.' She sighed and lifted his fingers to her lips, 'I almost didn't make it back.' Joker swallowed hard and tried to hide the fear in his eyes but she saw it. 'I'm sorry, they wanted to keep me with them, use me as a conduit, their thrall.'

She sat up and pulled Joker towards her. He needed no encouragement to wrap his arms around her. She was still here, in his arms, that was what he needed to concentrate on.

'They're powerful beings,' she spoke into his neck and he shivered as her breath blew around his collar. 'They're responsible for the Reapers and they're hiding from their creations.'

'So are they going to help us destroy them?' He settled on the bed beside her, feeling her shivers as her body temperature rose.

'I'm not sure,' shook her head. 'I don't think they believe we can win any more than the Reapers do, although they also said that this cycle is different.'

'I guess we just have to prove them wrong then,' he was more than happy to have her curled up against him as she snuggled into his chest.

'I just hope they don't become as big a threat as the Reapers.'

He had no answer for that. He pulled her in tighter and felt her relax as he wrapped a blanket around them both. He held her as she slept and wondered just how many more moments they would get like this.

* * *

'Shit!' Joker felt the cannon fire beneath him as they sped underneath the open arms of a Reaper, taking pot shots as they went. 'We need to find somewhere to hide.'

The bridge turned red as the Reaper closest to them fired on an Asari ship. He heard the crew cursing behind him as they were thrown around in their seats. His harness held him in place but the pull as the ship turned let him know it was there. He knew he'd have bruises by the time this was over.

'Has the shuttle landed, EDI?'

'Yes, although there are Reapers on the surface of Thessia.'

'There are Reapers here too,' he grimaced as the Normandy lurched sideways to avoid debris.

They'd dropped into the system to find the Reapers attacking Thessia. In the short time they'd been here several more had arrived. Coms were out, again, and once more he was watching out for the ship and crew while Shepard and her team were on the ground. He ignored the thought that he held everyone's lives in his hands, that if the ship was destroyed and they died it would be his fault, that if he failed Shepard would most likely die on Thessia and any chance they had to win this war would be gone. _No pressure then!_

'Jeff, I am picking up Cerberus signals.'

'Now! Are they helping the Reapers?'

'No, they are on the surface of Thessia.'

'What are they doing?' Joker managed to find them a quiet spot away from the fighting but he knew it wouldn't last long.

'The signal is erratic but it would appear they are heading for the same temple as Shepard.'

'Damnit! Shepard, this is the Normandy, if you can hear me you've got Cerberus heading your way.' Joker realised it was probably futile but he let her know anyway.

He watched an Asari ship disintegrate from a Reaper shot. What chance did they have against something that size and so powerful? Even the biggest dreadnaught was like a fly on an elephant against these things. Yet the Asari had held back vital information until now. A clue that may have helped get them further ahead than they were, might tell them what the catalyst is. For all their intelligence the Asari were selfish and arrogant, believing themselves better than everyone else, wiser. Some good it did them now.

'I hate this,' Joker cursed as he checked one screen after another.

'I am sure Shepard will be fine,' EDI commented. 'She is a highly decorated N7 marine, a spectre and excellent strategist. You should have no doubt about her abilities.'

'I know all that,' he groaned and rolled his eyes at her. 'What I hate is not knowing what's going on down there.'

'The pilot having access to suit feeds is not normal protocol on Alliance ships.'

'I know that too, but I have it and I don't like not having it, all right,' he tried not to sound angry but it didn't work. A warning on his screen drew his eyes, 'shit, more incoming.' He put the Normandy into motion again, trying to find another quiet spot to stop. 'Come on, Shepard,' he muttered under his breath, the longer she took the more chance there was of them being found and shot at.

He had to keep them moving, sitting in one spot became too risky as more and more Reapers arrived in system. Where they were coming from was anyone's guess, another system that had been wiped out, from dark space where there could be hundreds more waiting. Joker didn't even want to contemplate the last thought, it was too overwhelming to think that they were only fighting a portion of a Reaper army. Hopefully it was all or nothing. Finally the shuttle was back in the bay but when Shepard didn't appear on the bridge soon after they were underway Joker knew something had gone wrong.

'EDI, where's Shepard?'

'The Commander is at the QEC, the Asari councillor is requesting to speak to her but the Commander is not responding.' EDI seemed to think for a moment before continuing. 'I have checked the suit footage, Cerberus destroyed the temple and took the data that the Commander was sent to retrieve.' She glanced over at him and Joker felt his guts clench, 'I believe the Commander is in some distress.'

'Get us to the relay, EDI,' he pushed out of his seat and headed for the war room.

He found her hunched over the QEC console staring at the light that indicated a waiting connection. Before he could move to speak to her she hit the button and the Asari councillor appeared before them. Joker listened as Shepard gave her report, his heart breaking at the pain in her voice.

'I'm sorry,' Shepard whispered but the councillor was already gone. 'I failed you, I failed everyone.'

Joker dashed across the room and pulled her into his chest. She was shaking and he wasn't sure if it was from anger or tears.

'I wasn't fast enough,' she mumbled against him, 'I wasn't good enough.'

'No, don't you do that!' Joker held her away from him so he could see her face. 'You've given everything to this war, you've given your life, you've done everything humanly possible to make others listen.' He ignored her wide eyes stare, he wasn't going to let her blame herself for this one. 'If the fucking Asari had gotten off their high horses sooner this could have been prevented. We could have had more information, known what we needed to do to finish the Crucible. This is not your fault so don't you dare feel guilty and blame yourself. If you need to blame someone blame the Asari, blame the Illusive Man, they're both responsible for keeping us in the dark.' He brushed the side of her face, his anger calming as she looked at him through sombre eyes. 'No-one could do more than what you've done with the information you've been given.'

'He's right,' Garrus spoke from where he was leaning against the doorway. 'This isn't your fault, Shepard. You can't take the blame for this. Even if Joker can't convince you I'm not letting you shoulder this either.'

'But Cerberus got the data, we can't finish the Crucible.' She glanced from one to the other, 'we've lost the war, it's all been for nothing.'

'Are we dead yet?' Joker asked sternly and she shook her head. 'Then we haven't lost the war, it's just a set back.'

'But ….' She was determined to argue but Garrus cut her off.

'No, Shepard, listen to him. You know he wouldn't, what's that human term, bullshit you. Joker doesn't do that.' Garrus straightened up, 'where is the Shepard that had me marching into hell alongside her, she wouldn't give up like this.'

'The woman I love wouldn't give up like this either,' Joker looked at Garrus before meeting Shepard's eyes, 'she is still in there isn't she?'

Shepard looked from one to the other and sighed deeply, 'yes she is.' She pulled herself erect and Joker was glad to see a spark back in her eyes. 'We need to find Cerberus.'

'That's my girl,' Joker grinned and hugged her. 'Let's get these bastards and win this thing.'

'Damn right,' Garrus agreed.

'You know I love you,' Shepard shook her head and looked at them, 'both of you.'

'Should I be worried here?' Joker gave her a mock frown and she chuckled.

'No, not unless you piss me off.' She brushed his face with her fingertips, 'thank you.'

'You're welcome,' Joker kissed her then spun her towards the door, 'now go find some Cerberus butt to kick and do what you do best.' He stopped her and looked her up and down, 'after you've showered and eaten.'

'Yes, sir,' she gave him a mock salute and with a sigh headed out of the room.

'I knew she'd do that, blame herself,' Garrus walked through the war room with Joker, both stopping to look at the holo of the Crucible floating above them.

'Damn the Asari,' Joker wanted to punch the console but he couldn't afford to break anything. 'Why did they have to wait so long to give up their secrets?'

'The Asari have been around longer than any other council race, they found the Citadel. I suppose they thought they had the right.' Garrus scoffed and folded his arms across his chest as he watched the Crucible float before them, 'I guess they're not as superior as we thought they were, it was all a sham.'

'Oh they're superior all right,' Joker scowled, 'superior assholes who expect us to pull them out of the fire. Well guess what, it's too late, for them and maybe for us.'

'We're not dead yet, isn't that what you just told Shepard,' Garrus chuckled at him.

'Yeah, I guess we just keep going,' he straightened up and with a last glance at the Crucible walked towards the door. 'If we're lucky we'll get a break.'

'Has something changed and you haven't told me?' Garrus looked at him in mock surprise.

'Okay,' Joker shook his head with a snort, 'guess we'd better get back to work and make our own luck like we always do.'

'Now that's more like it,' Garrus placed his talon gently on Joker's shoulder and together they left the room.


	79. Chapter 79

**** 79 ****

Sanctuary. What a horror that had turned out to be. Hundreds, possibly thousands of people had gone looking for safety and hope only to be met by terror and death. Shepard had once again given someone else closure. Joker had expected her to take out Henry Lawson once she found him but she had left that to Miranda. The Ice Queen had surprised Joker when she dashed to check on her sister, he was also surprised when Miranda handed a tracker to Shepard. He wasn't sure if he wanted her to go after Kai Leng. He knew they had to, especially as he was headed to Cerberus HQ and probably the Illusive Man. That didn't mean he was happy about it.

Joker was a little surprised at Kaidan, he was genuinely concerned about Miranda. Joker watched with a smirk as he checked her over and applied medigel to her wounds. The way Miranda was avoiding Kaidan's eyes Joker was more than amused that there might actually be something building between them. That would definitely be ironic, the ex Cerberus cheerleader and the by the book Alliance Major. Stranger things had happened. In reality he was a little pleased for them, having someone who cared about her might make Miranda a little more human. Kaidan was naturally a protector so having someone to protect might just loosen him up a bit. He knew how good it felt to be with someone you loved.

The thought that everything was moving quicker towards the end hit Joker like a ship coming out of a relay. The thought of Shepard not making it through all of this was haunting him, it terrified him and he knew he wouldn't, couldn't live without her. She'd made him promise to obey Hackett's orders when the time came to leave, even if she wasn't on board. He'd done so with fingers crossed. He had already checked with every crew member and all had agreed that The Normandy was Shepard's ship and couldn't leave without her. Even Kaidan had agreed with him, there was no hesitation as he concurred with Joker, as he told him pointedly that he would never give Joker the order as the XO if Shepard wasn't on board. They'd started together and they would end together, whatever that meant.

The temporary VI had been tested and appeared to work. The lack of EDI felt strange and Joker hoped their plan succeeded and they didn't lose her completely. The tech team had done their best to isolate EDI and provide a back up system for her to hide in, he wondered if the humanity she had developed would remain. He had practiced just in case scenarios until he saw them in his sleep and they came naturally. If they weren't ready now they never would be.

He sat in their cabin waiting for Shepard. He knew she was walking the ship. In twelve hours they would be joining the fleet to take down Cerberus. After that it was a direct line to Earth and whatever end was waiting for them. Joker had no doubt that once Shepard had reassured the crew, checked in with her ground team and made sure everything was in place she would come upstairs. He also had no doubt that she would pace the floor, going over and over the plans they'd made. He had no intention of letting her do that. If this was their last night together he wanted it to be one to remember. He glanced up as the door opened.

'Hey you,' Shepard smiled at him and Joker was still amazed at how his heart skipped a beat.

'Hey yourself,' he stood up as she reached for a data pad on the desk. 'What are you doing?'

'I have to make sure everything is in place, that our plans will work,' she looked up in confusion as he took the datapad from her hands.

'Not tonight,' he led her down the steps and turned so he could meet her eyes. 'You've done all you can do, everything will be fine. You have a great ground team and crew, they know their jobs.' He slipped his arms around her and rested his forehead on hers. 'Tonight it's just you and me.'

'I can't …'

'Ari, if this is the last night we get together I want it to be special, to be something to keep both of us fighting to come back too.' He cupped her face, 'I love you and I want to show you how much.'

He claimed her lips as he pulled her in tight and was relieved to feel her respond. Every kiss was pure bliss but tonight he needed more than softness and tenderness. He needed to feel alive, he needed to feel their love in a physical sense. His hands slid under her shirt and she shivered. Her tongue sought his and he was happy to oblige as they fell into a familiar dance. He felt her fingers on his skin as she lifted his shirt and he couldn't stop the moan that escaped.

With quick movements he removed her shirt and his. His hands splayed across her upper and lower back as he pulled her in to feel her skin against his. He was on fire. His chest was hot where she rested against him, his back burned where her fingers rested gently. Her bra was still between them though and he hurriedly removed it, quickly pulling her back against him. The feel of her erect nipples against his chest was erotic, sensual and he heard her moan as she stepped back, pulling him with her towards the bed.

Their lips found every sensitive spot as they hurried to remove clothing. Joker was naked first and he gently pushed her onto the bed and finished removing her boots, socks, pants and underwear. Before she could move he was on his knees, his lips working their way up her thighs to the heaven at the top. As he touched her wetness with his tongue she arched off the bed and he grinned as she gasped and gripped his hair. His mouth found the bundle of nerves that made her scream while his fingers found her nipples and pinched them as his hands cupped her breasts. He loved making her squirm and moan in absolute pleasure and he took his time, gently kissing her folds before diving deep with his tongue. He could feel her tense as he approached the point of no return so he stopped and went back to kissing her thighs. He chuckled at her groan of frustration but he had no intention of making this short.

He brought her to the edge then let her calm down repeatedly as he thoroughly enjoyed himself. The taste of her, the scent of her, the feel of her readiness, all these things conspired to make his erection twitch and ache and he so wanted to be inside her but he forced himself to be patient. Shepard didn't have the same patience however.

He almost fell backwards as she sat up and pulled his lips onto hers. She dragged him up the bed, urging him onto his back before working her way down his abdomen and taking his erection in her mouth. It was his turn to buck his hips and moan as she drove him to the edge and just as quickly pulled him back. She tortured him as he'd tortured her and from her moans she was enjoying herself as much as he had. The warmth of her mouth, the feather touch of her tongue and the gentle sucking made him arch off the bed and grip her hair. He knew he couldn't take much more so it was his turn to drag her up the bed.

He hurriedly put his lips on hers, his hands ran down her breasts and gripped her backside as he rolled between her thighs and thrust into her. The sensation was almost too much and they both stopped before slowly moving into a rhythm and groaning as their bodies melded together. Joker wasn't happy with a gentle lovemaking, he needed to fuck her hard so he did and she responded in kind. The sound of their bodies slapping together, lips locked and hands pulling each other in tight was all they needed to come as one. They both screamed softly as together they shared the euphoria.

Joker gave her no time to recover as he pulled out and his fingers continued to pleasure her, slowly moving in and out, running their shared juices up over the one spot that was guaranteed to make her hips lift off the bed. His lips and tongue went to work on her nipples and she cried out in delight as his thumb massaged outside and his fingers massaged inside and once more brought her to climax. He grinned as she lay there breathing heavy, her breast rising and falling to meet his lips and tongue. His erection was hardening against his thigh and he felt the feather touch of her fingers that made him moan.

He lost count of the number of orgasms they gave each other in the next few hours. All he knew was that when he awoke some time later with his wife in his arms he was extremely satisfied and they had created something special to remember. From her steady breathing he knew she was sleeping soundly and he was very happy about that, the nightmares would be kept at bay tonight, which was a good thing because she would need her strength for what was coming. He pulled her in tight and snuggled down with her, they still had a couple of hours, mostly for sleeping.

* * *

Joker sat in his chair, his hands idle on the console. His stomach was churning and the breakfast he had an hour earlier threatened to return in a not so pleasant way. Any moment now Hackett would give the order to move and he was having trouble fighting back the fear of losing Shepard. Footsteps behind him made him straighten and get serious about his job.

'How we doin' Joker?' Shepard came up behind him, armoured and ready to go.

'Just waiting on Hackett's orders,' he glanced up but she was already in Commander mode.

They agreed that they needed their game faces on. They couldn't let their feelings get in the way of the job so they had parted after breakfast and become Commander and Flight Lieutenant, it was the easiest way to get through the day. As much as he hated it Joker understood the need and he would do his utmost to make sure she was ready for whatever she had to face. Going into Cerberus HQ couldn't be easy for her. These were the people who brought her back from the dead, who basically forced her into working for them then sent someone to kill her if she got in the way. These were the monsters responsible for Sanctuary, for turning innocents into victims, for playing god with human lives. He could only imagine what new horrors she'd find inside. Taking EDI with her would either be a bonus or a massive mistake. She was a Cerberus AI before she became the Normandy.

'The ground team will be in the shuttle, just give the word,' she started to walk away.

'Give 'em hell, Commander,' he called over his shoulder.

'As always,' she grinned and he chuckled. There was the Commander he knew and loved.

Joker jumped as the order came through from Hackett. He was ready but he certainly wasn't eager. With a deep sigh he set the Normandy in motion. Several Alliance ships were already battling Cerberus defenders as they arrived in system. His screens registered the shuttle leaving the bay and he set course for the nearest ship, acting as a distraction while the shuttle entered the station. Another battle in space. Another chance for a good shot to space them all. While he loved flying in space, fighting in it was an entirely different thing.

The frigate he aimed for obviously hadn't seen him coming and he was able to get of several shots, disabling their weapons and communications. A final shot took them out of the game completely as they floated dead in space. He turned his attention to a cruiser that was giving an Alliance cruiser problems. As he approached in stealth mode several shuttles and fighter ships left the bay of the Cerberus ship and headed straight for them.

'Guess they've developed a way to see us even in stealth,' he mumbled as he twisted the Normandy away from the cruiser, drawing the smaller ships with him.

'Perhaps they simply looked out the window,' EDI spoke from the ceiling.

'Perhaps you should concentrate on looking after Shepard,' Joker quipped.

'Commander Shepard is perfectly capable of looking after herself,' EDI reminded him. 'Although I did just stop Cerberus from venting the hangar and us with it.'

'Nice work, EDI,' Joker brought up the suit feeds just as a fighter crashed through the inner decks of the station. 'What the hell!'

'We needed a way through,' he was sure EDI was shrugging.

'I suppose that got their attention at least,' Joker fired Javelins at several of the fighter craft but only one ship wasn't able to avoid them. 'Damn,' he spun the Normandy and lined up the Thanix cannon. 'Time for the big guns.'

A few minutes later and the ships were either destroyed or immobile and Joker was on the move again. Several shuttles carrying Alliance marines were approaching the docking bay Shepard had entered but they were being harassed by Cerberus fighters. Joker put the Normandy into a vertical dive and brought her between the fighters and the shuttles, firing the cannon and Javelins. It was a quick, clean insertion and the shuttles were able to dock without further complications.

'Moreau, get on that heavy cruiser, we need to give Shepard more time.' Hackett barked into his earpiece.

'Roger that,' Joker brought the Normandy around, 'Wolf pack with a wedge tail,' he sent out the command that would bring the other three Alliance frigates and the Alliance fighters into formation with the Normandy.

With a frigate either side Joker dived towards the heavy cruiser, the fighters formed a wedge, hidden behind the frigates. With all guns blazing the three frigates targeted communications and weapons before veering away and allowing the fighters behind them to take out life support and other important targets. Once the fighters were clear the three frigates dove again, one forward, one amidships and the Normandy targeted the engines with the Thanix cannon. It was over very quickly and the ship lay dormant in space. Joker could imagine the panic on board as engineers tried to fix life support while the captain had to admit defeat and abandon ship. Unfortunately the captain had other ideas.

'Jeff, I'm picking up a self-destruct alarm on the cruiser.' EDI sounded stressed but Joker had no time to look at the feeds.

'Sir,' he opened the com to Hackett. 'The cruiser has set a self-destruct!' Joker spun the Normandy on her axis and headed away at top speed as Hackett ordered everyone clear.

It was an amazing sight to watch as the ship exploded from the centre out. There was no sound, just a dazzling light show with a gradually expanding circle of debris. Joker wondered if the crew had been given a chance to escape but no life pods had been ejected. What would Cerberus tell the families of those on board, would they tell them? Joker shook his head, he had no time to worry about that. He glanced up at the feed as he heard a choked groan.

'Maybe I am just some advanced Cerberus VI, 'Shepard was saying, the fear obvious in her voice.

'Really, Shepard,' Garrus scoffed, 'do you really think they would make something imperfect.'

Joker chuckled as Shepard swore at him, 'hey, babe, told you before, if you were some Cerberus VI you would be able to beat me at chess and not lose your shirt.'

'You just like watching me get naked,' she retorted, 'you never used to beat me until we changed the rules.'

'See, a VI wouldn't respond with such emotion,' he laughed as she growled at him. 'Now get back to work.'

'Just fly the ship,' she was chuckling as they moved through the door EDI had opened for them.

Joker was a little relieved that Shepard didn't really have the time to think about what she'd read in the Lazarus files. He knew she still doubted, even after all this time and with Miranda assuring her that she wasn't a clone or a VI. With the clone stealing the Normandy and now the reports on Lazarus it brought those doubts and fears to the surface. He knew she'd get past it but that didn't mean she would forget about it.

Joker pushed it to the back of his mind as he once again moved the Normandy into the battle that was still raging. Cerberus was losing. Alliance ships were disabling or destroying the remaining frigates and cruisers and many of the smaller craft had either fled or been destroyed. Even now Joker registered shuttles heading away from the battle and jumping into FTL. He heard Hackett talking to Shepard and he realised that the battle for Cerberus HQ was almost over, out here at least. Shepard still had to clear the inside and get the Prothean data back but he was positive it wouldn't be long before they were on their way to Earth. He heard Shepard give EDI the order to find the data just as his feeds went dark. The last thing he saw through Shepard's feed was the Illusive Man appearing.

'EDI, what happened to the feeds?'

'We have entered the Illusive Man's office, jamming technology is in place.'

'So how come I can still talk to you?' He frowned at the ceiling.

'I am only able to get a partial feed, I know the location of my physical platform but am unable to communicate with it.' There was a pause and Joker sat up in concern. 'Jeff, Kai Leng is trying to kill Shepard.'


	80. Chapter 80

**** 80 ****

There was nothing he could do. Shepard was deep inside Cerberus HQ taking on Kai Leng. It was obvious that he had been upgraded to Cerberus standards and Joker was a little concerned that he may just be faster and stronger than Shepard. He knew it wouldn't stop her but it might take her longer to take him down.

'EDI, what's happening?' He fired at an approaching shuttle not bothering to disable it, he simply destroyed it.

'Kai Leng is proving to be a frustrating adversary,' she sounded like she was physically working hard and Joker wondered if she was taking on more human traits to fit in. 'He has a tendency to run away when weakened.'

'So he's a chicken shit,' Joker watched as the last Cerberus ship was destroyed and the Alliance fleet moved in to circle those disabled.

'That would be an accurate description.'

Joker could only guess at what was happening. Eventually though the signal was cleared and his feeds came back. He looked up to see Shepard sitting in the Illusive Man's chair, working on the Cerberus databases to find what she needed. He jumped as she lurched to her feet. From Kaidan's suit feed he hadn't seen Kai Leng get up behind her. He gasped as she spun, activated her omniblade and stabbed him through the chest.

'That's for Thane, you bastard,' she muttered as he fell and she returned to the chair.

'Nicely done, babe,' he spoke softly into her private channel and saw her nod ever so slightly.

'I've found it,' she grinned triumphantly as the VI from Thessia appeared before them.

Joker could sense her increasing frustration and disappointment as the prothean image informed them of the Illusive Man's treachery. Joker was not happy about being right for once. How could they fight a battle when their own race was against them? More and more people in powerful positions were being indoctrinated, taking the Reapers at their word and trusting them. They'd heard the news from Earth about how those in high places were willingly going into Reaper strongholds and coming out changed.

'Joker, set a course for the Citadel,' Shepard was moving towards the door of the Illusive Man's domain when the prothean VI stopped her and his words made everyone's blood run cold.

Earth. The Citadel had been moved to Earth and it was under Reaper control. _Fuck!_ What more could go wrong? Joker set a course for Sol, knowing Shepard would want to get underway as soon as she was back on board. He was positive she would have a plan, if not now at least by the time they reached Earth. If she didn't, Hackett or Anderson would. Together they would make it happen.

* * *

Joker paced the QEC room. He was nervous, scared that he might lose his ship, that he would be forced from his position as pilot of the Normandy. Yet he felt that he had to be honest, to explain himself and make sure no-one else was blamed.

'Jeff, Admiral Hackett is available.' EDI spoke softly and Joker got the impression she was trying to keep his secret.

'Thanks, EDI. Where is Shepard?'

'The Commander is still on the cargo deck with Steve and James.'

'All right,' he took a deep breath and pulled himself erect. 'Put him through.'

'Moreau, what's going on?' Hackett was distorted and scratchy but quickly cleared as EDI tweaked the connection.

'Sir, I have something to tell you and you're not going to like it.' Joker watched as a frown developed on the older man's face.

'Does this have something to do with Shepard?'

'Yes sir,' he sucked in a breath, 'The Normandy will not be leaving the Sol system without Shepard on board. I am solely responsible for this decision even though Shepard has ordered me to leave when you give the order.'

'So you're going against her direct orders?'

'Yes, sir,' Joker moved to stand at attention. 'I realise you can remove me from my position but I thought you should know why the Normandy will not be following the fleet.'

'That's insubordination, a court martial offence.' Hackett looked at him through narrowed eyes but Joker saw something else there too.

'Yes, sir,' Joker nodded, 'but I need you to know that no-one else is responsible, that the decision is mine alone.'

'What about the crew?'

'I have given them the choice to stay or go, so far no-one has wanted to leave.'

'I could order you removed and put in the brig,' Hackett was smirking at him and Joker had a feeling the Admiral had seen this coming.

'Yes, sir, but you'd have to catch the Normandy first,' Joker pointed out.

'Does Major Alenko know of your plans?'

'Yes he does.' Joker turned to see Kaidan standing behind him. 'I agree with Flight Lieutenant Moreau, sir. The Normandy should not leave the Sol system without her commanding officer at the helm.' Kaidan moved beside Joker, 'I accept the consequences of this decision, as does the rest of the crew.'

Both men looked at the Admiral in surprise as he chuckled and shook his head.

'I guessed this would happen but I didn't expect you to admit to it until after the fact.' He pulled himself erect and turned serious. 'Flight Lieutenant Moreau, Major Alenko, I trust that you will do everything in your power to protect the crew of the Normandy and bring her, her commanding officers and her full crew safely home when this is over. You have permission to do whatever you deem necessary to carry out that order.'

'Yes, sir,' Kaidan snapped to attention and saluted.

'Thank you, sir,' Joker did the same.

'Bring her home Moreau, she's important to all of us.' The Admiral was gone, the man beneath the title was looking at them through concerned eyes.

'I will, sir, or I'll die trying.'

'I'm sure you will. Hackett out.'

Joker blew out a heavy sigh and looked at Kaidan. 'That was easier than I expected.'

'Did you really think Hackett didn't expect it?' He looked at Joker with raised eyebrows.

'I guess not. Thanks for standing by me, you didn't have to, I would have taken the responsibility.'

'We're the crew of the Normandy, we're in this together. It's how it's always been,' he rolled his eyes as Joker looked at him with a questioning stare. 'All right, how it's always been for you and a few others.' Kaidan turned so he was facing Joker, 'there was never any question of whether we would leave without Shepard, she deserves to be rescued or to have us waiting for her. It's the least we can do after everything she's done.'

'That might be your reasoning,' Joker smirked at him. 'For me it's more personal.'

Kaidan smiled and placed his hand on Joker's shoulder, 'of course it is and we can't have you getting all snarky and cranky on us so we have to make sure Shepard comes back.'

'I'm only snarky with you,' Joker turned and together they walked into the war room.

'I know,' Kaidan chuckled.

They both paused and looked up at the Crucible floating in the centre of the room.

'Fuck, I hope this works,' Joker muttered.

'You and me both,' Kaidan nodded. 'Guess we'd better get back to our posts before Shepard comes looking for us.'

'Yeah, we'll be at Earth in four hours,' Joker led the way back into the CIC.

'I don't know whether to be glad about that.'

'Me either,' Joker agreed as he headed for the bridge, 'me either.'

* * *

Two hours. That was all they had left before the shit really hit the fan and they would find out one way or another if everything they'd done was enough. In two hours it could be the beginning of the end for every race in the galaxy. Joker shivered and forced down doubts that threatened to take hold and never let go. He sighed and got to his feet, he'd agreed to meet Shepard for dinner.

'I'm going to eat,' he informed EDI who simply nodded and took control.

He entered the mess to find almost every crew member there, only those still on duty were missing. Shepard waved him over and he sat beside her and accepted the tray she slid towards him. He'd thought they may have had a final moment alone but obviously that wasn't going to happen.

'Does anyone know if we'll be taking a Mako when we get planet side?' Garrus looked around and Joker grinned at Shepard's scowl. 'If we are please don't let Shepard drive.'

'I was a good driver,' she jumped to her own defence.

'Sure you were,' Garrus agreed at the same time shaking his head and those around him chuckled. 'I lost count of the number of times I had to fix the damn thing.'

'I made sure I took motion sickness tablets before every mission,' Kaidan said innocently.

'You too, huh,' Liara laughed at Shepard's deepening scowl.

'I wasn't that bad,' Shepard looked to Tali for back up.

'You were a good driver, Shepard,' Tali agreed and Shepard grinned at her, 'as long as we were on flat ground.'

'Tali!' Shepard looked at her wide eyed, 'I thought you were my friend.'

'I am, Shepard,' Tali nodded, 'I can't lie to you.' She shrugged and everyone laughed.

'It wasn't my fault Mr Ace pilot here landed us on mountains or in lava pits.' She grinned at Joker who rolled his eyes.

'Hey, at least you got to drive the Mako through a Mass Relay,' Joker nudged her shoulder, 'or are you sticking to your story that Wrex was driving.'

'Wrex wasn't on that mission,' Shepard spoke then realised what she'd said and shook her head with a laugh.

'I hope there are no space cows on Earth,' Liara said with a sigh.

'Oh no, we're not going there!' Shepard pointed her finger at the asari who simply laughed at her.

'Am I missing something?' James was looking from one to the other in confusion.

'That cow on Ontarom loved you Shepard,' Garrus sat back and waited for her reaction.

'The damn thing kept chasing me!' She threw up her hands in exasperation, 'I couldn't get rid of it and it kept taking my credits!'

Kaidan and Garrus broke into guttural laughter as Shepard buried her head in her hands in defeat. Javik was shaking his head in disbelief.

'How you primitives ever achieved space flight is beyond comprehension.'

Joker grinned as he watched all the other faces around them, every one relaxed and smiling. For the crew who had never been on a mission it was a great morale booster. If the ground team could relax and talk over old times then what was there to fear. For Joker it was a reminder of just how close everyone had become over the years. He was glad everyone was sitting around telling stories, bringing up incidents that were funny and memorable. This was a good way to spend what could be their last couple of hours together. The crew wandered back to their posts or to make their preparations but the ground team, Joker, Steve and Traynor hung around a little longer, sharing stories and laughter. Eventually though time ran out.

'Well, guess I'd better go do a final calibration on the guns and check my armour,' Garrus was the first to stand but others quickly followed. He reached for Joker's hand. 'It's been an honour flying with you, Joker.'

'Hopefully not too painful with that stick up your ass,' Joker grinned and the turian laughed before pulling him into a gentle hug.

'Bring her home, Joker.' He said softly into his ear and Joker nodded.

By the time everyone had hugged, said how proud they were to know each other and simply said goodbye there wasn't a dry eye in the room. One by one they went separate ways until only Joker and Shepard were left. Joker took her hand and pulled her in close, taking in the scent of her hair, the feel of her body against him, the warmth of her breath on his neck as she held him.

'Well, Commander, I guess this is it,' he pulled back far enough to see her face and was surprised to see a tear rolling down her cheek. 'Hey,' he wiped it away and she took a deep breath. 'We'll get through this, I have plans for the future, our future.'

'Really?' Her lips lifted into a soft smile, 'care to share?'

'Nope,' he shook his head and grinned at her. 'You want to know you have to come back.'

'You're not getting rid of me that easily,' she pulled him into a kiss he was happy to return.

'I hope not,' he pulled her in tight, he didn't want her to see the fear in his eyes.

'All right, Flight Lieutenant,' she stepped back with a sigh and met his eyes, 'you'd better get to your post, you have a very important job to do.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he gave her a quick salute and walked away, wanting nothing more than to turn around and never let her go.

* * *

It was the most significant, exciting moment of his career. Joker sat in his seat watching as the biggest multi species fleet gathered. This was history in the making. It might be futile but it was certainly impressive. The Normandy was at the head of that fleet, the tip of the spear. It was exhilarating and frightening and Joker couldn't stop the flutters in his stomach. He was about to lead this galactic fleet to Earth, into battle. As far as he knew no other Alliance frigate had ever led a fleet into battle, they were always kept on the wings, making quick strikes. The honour of his position wasn't lost on him and he knew it was all because of Shepard.

She had brought these races together, fought the political and physical battles to get them to this point. She deserved the credit, he was just her pilot. Yet he got to sit in his chair and lead them to war. He heard footsteps behind him.

'This is pretty impressive, Commander,' he grinned as she came to stand behind him, her hand resting on the top of his chair.

'Let's hope it works, I'd hate to have done all this for nothing.'

'It has to work, you've made it happen and everything you do works.'

'You forgot Thessia,' she grimaced as he glanced up at her.

'You fixed that problem so it doesn't count.' He shook his head as she went to speak, 'you got back what we needed and took out Cerberus at the same time. That counts as two wins in my book.'

'I doubt the asari would see it that way.'

'Yeah, but it's their fault, they left it too late to save their bright blue butts.' Joker shrugged and she chuckled.

'How long until we're ready?'

'We're just waiting on the salarians, I still can't believe you got them on board without sabotaging the genophage cure.' He grinned at her, 'wait, yes I can. You're Commander Shepard, there's not much you can't do. According to rumour you're going to bring down the Reapers single handed with a big gun.' He laughed as she scowled at him.

'That's okay, it matches your magic, apparently you can be in two places at once.'

'What! You doubt it?' She shook her head with a laugh and Joker hoped it wasn't the last time he heard it. He spun his chair and took her hand, even though they'd agreed to be professional he needed to feel her, to have some contact with her. 'Ari, please come back to me.' He couldn't ask her enough or in any other way to be careful.

'I plan on it,' she brushed the side of his face with her free hand and for a moment the rest of the universe didn't exist. 'I love you.'

'I love you,' Joker kissed her fingers and released his hold, turning back to his console. A beep and a new blip on his screen indicated the salarians arriving. 'We have a full fleet, Commander.'

'Let Hackett know, we're ready as we'll ever be.' She stood upright as Joker sent the message.

Within minutes the Admiral's ship was alongside and Joker carried out the docking procedure with calm precision. Once the docking tube was in place he turned as Hackett and his guards came on board.

'Admiral Hackett, welcome aboard the Normandy,' Shepard met him with a sharp salute.

'Are we ready?' He looked from Shepard to Joker and back again.

'Yes, sir,' Shepard stepped back and indicated the way to the CIC. With a quick wink at Joker she followed behind.

Joker listened as Hackett addressed the fleet and felt a modicum of resentment. It should be Shepard making the speech, this was all on her. He hid his grimace as Hackett stepped down and followed Shepard to the QEC room where Anderson was waiting for them.

'Joker,' Tali entered the bridge, busily working on her omnitool. 'We've managed to tweak the change over time for the VI, you've got seventy five seconds from when EDI goes offline to when the VI takes over, as long as it's a planned shutdown. It's the best we can do.'

'Shit, Tali, I expected to have to wait minutes,' he was surprised that she sounded apologetic. 'That's fantastic news.'

'Really, we thought it was a bit slow but EDI takes up a large part of this ship so rather than shut down everything at once we've worked out a way to stagger it so while she's deactivating the VI is starting up.' She sighed and looked at him through her visor, 'there's nothing we can do for an emergency shut down, it will take two minutes for the VI to boot up every system. We've started it on propulsion, navigation and life support so you can at least move the ship and breathe reasonably quickly.'

'Nice work,' he smiled at her and he was sure she smiled back. He glanced up to see Admiral Hackett walking towards him.

'Moreau,' the Admiral stopped on the bridge and nodded at Tali who nodded back before leaving. Hackett leaned forward and spoke softly, 'open up the com so the fleet can hear.'

Joker looked at him in confusion but the Admiral turned slightly so he could see Shepard stepping up to the podium behind the Galaxy map. He nodded and flicked open the ship wide coms and external coms.

'Joker, ship wide coms please,' Shepard spoke in his ear.

'Ready, ma'am.' Joker turned his head to watch as she sucked in a breath and started to speak.

'People, this is it.' Shepard glanced around at the crew, everyone looking at her with respect and ultimate belief in what she stood for and what she could do. 'We've fought long and hard to get to this point. Some of you have been with me from the very beginning and I know I've dragged you into hell but you have my heartfelt thanks for standing by me.' Her eyes met Joker's and he had never felt so proud.

'For those who have joined us along the way I want to thank you for believing, not just in me but in the impossible story that has unfolded. Without you we couldn't do this. We've struggled to make the galactic races believe, we've fought for every ship, every gun, every soldier that today will follow us into battle. This isn't just a human war, this is a war that involves every race, every civilisation. It's taken time to gather those races together, it's taken lives that we honour today as we look out on this multi-species fleet, as we take the war to the Reapers. We will not lie down and surrender, we will not let them take our homes, our families and our lives.

As the crew of the Normandy you are all heroes, many of you have been places and done things that no other crew ever has. You should be proud of yourselves. Today we join our galactic brothers and sisters to take down an enemy that considers itself superior. That's bullshit! We are the best of the best surrounded by the best of the best. Today there are no separate races, today we're all one race, a galactic race that will not lie down and die without a fight.

Let's show them how it's done, let's destroy this enemy with sheer determination, courage and pride. Let's get out there and win.'

The cheers through the ship were echoed by the cheers in Joker's earpiece as every ship around them responded to Shepard's speech. He flicked open the speakers so she could hear it and she looked at him in surprise but it quickly turned into a proud smile. Hackett was nodding and Joker could almost see the wheels turning in his head.

'She'd make a fine Councillor,' Hackett commented and Joker scoffed.

'You'd have to tie her to the chair, unless she's unable to hold a gun,' Joker had a sudden sense of foreboding and as much as he tried to shake it of it refused to budge.

'Maybe,' Hackett turned to look at him. 'Bring her home, Joker, we're going to need her when this is over.'

The Admiral was gone before Joker could respond, which was just as well. What right did Hackett have, or anyone else for that matter, to expect any more of Shepard. Hadn't she done enough, been mistrusted and ignored until it was too late? Why would she want to spend the rest of her life always fighting every step of the way? Yet he knew she would. She was a marine, a dedicated warrior. It was all she'd ever been. He wanted more for their future though, he wanted to get past the fighting, past the constant battle for acceptance. He wanted peace, he wanted to spend the rest of his life making sure Shepard was happy. He didn't think it was too much to ask for.


	81. Chapter 81

**** 81 ****

The fleet was on the move. Joker made sure he was a little ahead of them, purely for his own peace of mind. With this many ships traversing a relay at the same time there were sure to be incidents. He hadn't even known it was possible for so many ships to pass through a relay together. He wasn't taking any chances however, so putting some space between him and the rest put his mind at ease, as much as it could be at the moment.

They had a plan. Of course, that plan involved Shepard going into the dragon's den. That was once they'd wiped out the troops who would be trying to stop them all the way. The thought of Shepard making it through the hoard of Reaper forces and onto the Citadel to open the arms for the Crucible was playing with his head. First they had to reach Earth. Then the shuttles had to make it safely ground side while avoiding Reapers and their deadly weapons. There was little protection in a shuttle and everyone on board had to rely on the pilot to get them safely through. Joker had faith in Steve but Shepard's life would be in his hands and out of Jokers. He was loathe to trust someone else to take care of her in such a desperate situation but he had no choice.

If they made it to the ground the number of husks, cannibals, brutes and other monstrosities that would be waiting was immeasurable. How was she supposed to lead her team through that, how much back up from others on the ground would she have? There was a good chance a portion of the shuttle teams wouldn't make it. The ground troops were tired, worn down from months of fighting hit and run battles. Supplies and resources were limited. The Reapers and their forces were stronger, more resilient and definitely better prepared than the galactic fleet. He knew they couldn't give up but the odds were not stacked in their favour and once Shepard was off the Normandy he had no chance to help her. His job was to keep the Normandy and her crew safe while taking part in the biggest battle in galactic history. In the end no amount of tactical planning would help, it all came down to luck.

'Fuck!' he muttered to himself and scrubbed his face with his hands. His depressing thoughts threatened to overwhelm him.

He took a deep breath and pulled himself upright. They could do this, they had to. Shepard was an N7 marine, the best there was. He'd seen her in action, he knew what she could do and he knew she would give her all to see this through. And that was what scared him. She would sacrifice herself to save everyone and while he loved her for that he wished she would be selfish and tell them all to go to hell. They hadn't listened when she first warned them so why should she help them now. He shook his head in resignation. She wouldn't be Shepard if she did, she wouldn't be the woman he loved, the woman he so desperately wanted to hold in his arms.

It seemed like days since he had but it was only hours. Their last ten minutes of privacy after Hackett had left was a stolen moment that left both of them emotionally drained. One last kiss that might be all he ever had to remember their last moment together. He'd said their lovemaking had given him something to remember, to want to come back to, but that kiss was the one that haunted him, that was the one kiss he would remember forever if she didn't come back. A trembling, salty kiss that said so much without words. The last glance in her teary eyes as his own moist eyes met hers. There was fear there, but not a fear of what she was about to face but of what she was possibly about to lose. It broke his heart that he couldn't ease it.

He pulled himself together as footsteps sounded behind him, quickly masking his fear behind professional confidence. She came to a stop behind his chair, the familiarity taking away some of his self-imposed pain.

'Approaching the Sol relay, Commander,' his hands worked instinctively as he spoke, fighting the urge to glance up at her face.

'I didn't know this was possible,' he sensed her shaking her head, 'so many ships at once.'

'I don't think anyone did, although maybe the turians, they did take their fleet to Shanxi.' Joker fell back on routine, it was easier if he didn't think about it.

'Yeah, but this many ships, let's hope all the other pilots are as good as you, or at least almost as good,' she chuckled as he scowled.

'Don't worry, Commander,' he allowed himself a grin, 'I've left plenty of room just in case.'

'Of course you have,' she said softly.

'Relay in 10, 9, 8 …'

The trip through the relay was different and Joker could only guess it was due to the number of ships. He adjusted for the additional lag and still came out under the expected drift number. He was good at his job. Unfortunately for some of the ships their pilots weren't. As the ships registered on his scanners several were out of position and only quick manoeuvring by those around them prevented collisions.

One by one the fleets reported in, he rolled off the list as their momentum from the relay carried them past the orbit of Saturn. A short burst of power sent them quickly past the orbit of Jupiter and towards Mars. Earth grew on his scanners and around it a barrier of Reapers, quietly sitting and waiting for them. Mars was behind them too quickly and he heard Shepard suck in a breath as Earth appeared clearly in their view.

'Commander,' EDI turned in the co-pilot's seat and Joker glanced at her. 'I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of your crew, a part of your family.' She stood up and moved to stand before Shepard. 'I want you … no, I need you to know that if you have to make a choice between organics and synthetics then organics must be saved at all costs. Both the Geth and I agree on this.'

Shepard gasped and Joker looked up at her. He could see the emotion on her face as she reached out and took EDI's hand.

'All life will be saved if it can be,' she held up EDI's hand and met the bots eyes. 'I thank you for your service and your sacrifice but I truly hope it isn't necessary.'

'As do I,' EDI tilted her head with a half-smile. 'We just needed you to know that we understand.' Shepard nodded and EDI returned to her seat.

Joker felt her hand on his shoulder and he was sure he felt a shake as she turned forward.

'This is it,' Shepard whispered and indicated he should open the com to the fleet. 'All ships stand by.'

Joker wondered if she was as confident as she sounded or if it was just the Commander persona she was so good at putting on. His hands were shaking on the controls as he waited for the order to fire. Time stood still. It was as if they were in stasis, just waiting for the bubble to burst.

'Fire.' Shepard's voice was calm and quiet but the bubble burst with a flash of light as around them the ships opened fire.

Joker wasn't slow to respond and he targeted the closest Reaper while oculi popped up as dots on his screens. Fighters moved ahead of the fleet and Shepard gave the attack order. Joker's screens lit up, it was a fireworks display like no other. The Normandy was buffeted as he threw her around, through and above the fleet. He had to give them space to make their run for the surface.

'Okay, Joker, let's go.' Shepard moved to leave but Joker stopped her.

'Commander,' he pushed to his feet and turned to face her. She was his commanding officer, he respected that as he stood to attention and saluted. 'Be careful down there.' There were so many other things he wanted to say and he could see from the look in her eyes she got the message.

'I will,' she returned the salute with equal respect in her eyes and added, 'stay focused.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am,' he replied softly as she turned to walk away, entrusting the lives of her crew to him. He was desperately fighting to stay focused as he slipped back in his seat, knowing Shepard was leaving the ship and him.

* * *

The shuttle was away. The battle around them still raged but they had found a relatively quiet spot to allow the shuttles to begin their ground assault.

'Advanced teams are away, Hammer is in position and waiting for you guys to clear a path,' Joker updated Shepard. 'Normandy is re-joining Sword.'

'Stay safe,' he could see her concern through the feed, 'I'll be back before you know it.'

'I'll hold you to that,' Joker said softly and with a nod he closed the link.

The task at hand was a big one and Joker knew he had to get his head back in the game. He was about to set a course back into the fray when his omnitool lit up.

'Doc, what's wrong?' He looked at screen in surprise, it wasn't often she contacted him this way.

'I have some data feeds for you,' she fiddled with something off screen and a series of readouts appeared on his omnitool.

'What am I looking at, doc?' He frowned in confusion.

'Shepard had me implant two more tracking nodes. She was afraid that the one in her arm might get lost or damaged.' The unspoken thought that the limb might be removed or worse wasn't lost on him, nor the fact that the data was on his omnitool and not just in the ship's database. 'I put one just below her collar bone and one in her hip. She wanted you to have the tracking data.'

'Thanks, doc,' Joker couldn't help the relieved sigh that escaped. She'd made sure he could find her no matter what.

'She'll be back, Joker,' Chakwas sounded more confident than he felt.

Joker stretched his arms and cracked his fingers. 'All right, EDI, let's do this.'

The Normandy moved smoothly and quickly through the ever increasing field of debris. Joker checked his scans, watched as attack after attack seemed wasted, flinched as ships were destroyed around him. It was chaos. It seemed to be every one for themselves, there was no real pattern to their attack. It was a waste of lives and resources.

'EDI, can't you use your warfare suite to do something about those oculi?'

'I am attempting …' she paused and suddenly smiled. 'I have broken through the firewalls on those closest to us.'

Joker heard confusion through the com as several oculi within beam range suddenly turned on their brethren.

'Yes,' he hissed and would have punched the air if his hands hadn't been busy.

'Did you see that?'

'Yeah, what's going on?'

'Who cares, we've got a chance.'

Joker chuckled at the voices on the com, knowing they were the smaller fighters with the manoeuvrability to dash in, attack and get clear. The oculi had been holding them back so to see them turn was an advantage they were quick to use. He watched as oculi signals disappeared from his screen.

'Nice work, EDI,' he grinned. 'Can you keep it up?'

'For a while, until the Reapers realise what's happening.'

'Okay, let's go to work then.'

Joker looked at his screens, taking note of any reapers that were damaged or had shields disrupted. A destroyer was close by, it's shields weakened as two turian cruisers pounded it with missiles. He waited for just the right moment and when it came he made the Normandy dance like never before.

In a quick, smooth manoeuvre he passed along the front of the destroyer just as it was priming it's firing chamber. Two missiles and the thannix cannon made it falter. He darted around it's legs as it began to prime again and repeated the shots. The cruiser's understood what he was trying to do and with the fire power from both the destroyer had no chance.

'Thanks for the assist, Normandy.' The turian captain spoke in his ear.

'Spread the word,' Joker replied, 'the firing chamber is a weak spot when its priming but you have to be quick.'

'Roger that.'

Joker realised that the knowledge in the reports Shepard had been sending obviously hadn't been passed around. If it had everyone would know that's how they took down the Reaper on Rannoch. He guessed it was time to show them how it was done.

Another destroyer was under attack by an Alliance cruiser and the two turian cruisers moved to assist. Once more Joker dashed in as the Reaper primed and once again he caused it to falter. This time the three cruisers took over and he happily watched another dot disappear from his screens. The three cruisers continued to work in tandem and some of the smaller fighters had been watching and took on the job of stopping the ship from priming.

Joker knew the tactic wouldn't last forever but if they could take down at least a few Reapers it was something and it would definitely be a morale booster. Destroyers were one thing. The Sovereign class ships were something else again. They needed a different tactic.

'EDI, is there any way we can disable the shields on a Sovereign class ship?' He was dashing to aid a frigate that was surrounded by oculi as he spoke.

'I am unaware of any successful attempts other than prolonged bombardments which usually result in the bombarding ship being destroyed first.'

'Come on, you've got this amazing warfare suite that's been upgraded way beyond anything Cerberus imagined. Surely you've got something.'

The ship shuddered as several oculi shots bounced of their shields. It was only moments before the oculi turned on each other giving the Normandy and the other frigate a chance to take them down. Unfortunately it meant they were headed directly for a Sovereign class ship that was already primed and firing. Joker forced the Normandy sideways, ignoring the stress groans as she rolled to miss the beam.

'Shit, that was close,' Joker darted for open space to reassess their position.

'I may have found something,' EDI said, she sounded deep in thought and Joker glanced at her. 'There is a chance though that it will draw attention towards us.'

'Okay, what's the plan?'

'I can use the same signal the Reapers use to communicate with each other to lower their shields. I have discovered that there is a very short pause when they send signals to each other and their shields drop slightly. There is a risk, however, that it may give them the opportunity to take control of the Normandy and me.'

'How much of a risk?'

'There is a ten percent chance that I may not be able to withdraw quickly enough.'

Joker stared at her. To him a ten percent chance was miniscule. In the world of AIs he guessed it was much more.

'Do you think you can do it safely?'

'Yes,' she replied after a short pause.

'All right, let's do it.'

Joker checked his screens and located two dreadnaughts, three cruisers and the fighters that came with them. He opened the com and hoped they'd listen.

'This is the Normandy, we have a plan and we need your assistance to make it work,' he waited for a response.

'What do you need, Normandy?'

'We're about to attempt to take down the shields on a Sovereign class Reaper and we need you to open fire when we do.' Joker paused then added, 'the closer you are the more damage you will do and we need the fighters to hit the firing chamber if it primes.'

'You realise the risk you're asking us to take?'

'Roger that,' Joker nodded even though they couldn't see him. 'Hopefully its attention will be on us and not you.' He glanced up at his screens, 'one on one attacks won't work, we need to co-ordinate several ships on one target to even have a chance at taking these things down.' There was an uncomfortable pause and Joker hoped their status as heroes and Reaper killers would work in his favour.

'We can agree on that,' another voice spoke with a chuckle. 'We're with you Normandy. Which ship are we attacking?'

'Thanks,' Joker sent the co-ordinates to all the ships and was relieved to see them moving. 'Okay, EDI, time to see if this works.' He moved the Normandy closer as EDI began contacting the Reaper.

His guts were clenching as he waited for any sign that this was working. He was ready to move at a moment's notice as he watched the Reaper on his screen. Nothing seemed to change, the shields were still there and he was ready to back away and try something else. Suddenly the Reaper moved. It was turning, slowly, right towards the Normandy.

'Um, EDI, is it supposed to be doing that?'

There was no response and he glanced over to find her dead straight in her chair, her arms hanging loose and her eyes rolled back. He watched in amazement as she slowly fell forward, like she was in a slow motion movie. The bridge turned red and Joker looked up to see the tentacles lifting and the central firing chamber priming. His hands flew over the console as he moved to get them out of range but nothing responded. The bridge glowed as the red outside increased and he looked out the view port through wide eyes.

'Oh fuck!'


	82. Chapter 82

**** 82 ****

Joker's hands were frantic on his console trying to get something, anything to respond.

'Traynor, what's happening?' He surprised himself, he sounded calm.

'I don't know,' she said angrily, 'I'm locked out!'

A shadow passed over the view ports and Joker looked up, expecting to see the red beam of the Reaper about to fire. They were all about to die and it was all his fault. He'd let Shepard down, he hadn't looked after her crew, he hadn't saved them. His chest tightened and he took a deep breath, as if to hold off the inevitable loss of oxygen he believed was coming. Who was he kidding! He laughed at himself, it was a manic laugh, formed from fear and guilt. There would be no time to worry about oxygen as they were sundered into tiny pieces and spread across space.

'We've got your back, Normandy.'

Joker gasped in air. His chest hurt and his heart beat rapidly as he almost sobbed in relief. A turian frigate blocked his view as the captain put it between the Normandy and the Reaper and fired.

'That's for Palaven you bastard!'

'And this one's for Earth,' an Alliance frigate followed the turians as it swept in, fired and swept out.

'And this one's for Thessia,' a third, asari frigate dived in then out.

Joker's console came back to life with a flash of orange and his hands instinctively went to work as the Reaper faltered. Joker had no time to waste as the Reaper primed its firing chamber again. With an angry thump on the fire control he aimed the Thannix cannon right down its throat. He almost whooped aloud as the Reaper cracked open.

Behind them the cruisers opened fire and Joker quickly darted away, the Normandy taking another parting shot as open space once again graced his viewport and the Reaper disintegrated under combined fire. That was too close. Beside him EDI sat up.

'What happened, EDI?'

'The Reaper recognised my code as its own, it tried to interact, to share itself with me. I could not let it do that so I objected and it took offense.'

'So are you okay, you're not going to go all red and evil on me are you?' He threw a quick glance her way.

'No, not unless you piss me off.'

Joker gaped at her, 'I seriously hope that was a joke.'

'Of course,' she smiled and for a moment Joker was dumbfounded. 'While I was interacting with the Reaper I discovered something.'

'Hold that thought,' Joker told her as he opened a conversation with the frigates that had put themselves in danger to save them. 'Thanks, guys, for putting yourself at risk for us.'

'Only repaying a debt,' the turian captain chuckled.

'It's only fitting after everything you've done,' the asari agreed.

'What do you want us to do, Normandy?' The Alliance frigate asked and he heard the other ships agree.

He realised he was building his own small fleet with a combination that could work. 'EDI, can we take down shields without losing control?'

'I believe so, I managed to find the frequency pattern that the Reapers use while I was … interacting.' She turned to face him, 'they are over confident and believe they cannot lose. This will work to our advantage.'

'Is there any way we can give the other ships code or something to help take down their shields?' When she answered in the negative Joker went back to his open com, 'Okay. Let's kill these bastards.'

He selected a second Sovereign class ship that had taken damage and though several ships were still bombarding it was a long way from being destroyed. The Normandy began to move.

'Frigates on me, fighters behind, cruisers stand by to distract.'

As the other ships acknowledged his command adrenaline cursed through him, his hands were sweating and his heart pounded in is ears. He didn't have the right to command these ships, he was only a Flight Lieutenant. What if he was wrong, what if he led them all to their deaths. He should hand over to someone higher up the command chain, someone with more experience. Then he realised, he was Shepard's Flight Lieutenant, he had experience, probably more than the captains around him, and that meant something. He stopped thinking and let his instincts guide him as his small fleet neared the Reaper.

'What did you find, EDI,' he cycled up the weapons.

'The Reapers are attempting to trace a signal from somewhere outside the system.'

'Have they discovered Hackett's fleet,' Joker had a vision of the Crucible in pieces but he shook it off.

'No, I believe the signal is the Leviathans.'

Joker's eyes widened in surprise. 'Are they working with the Reapers?'

'No. The signal seems to be aimed at the Citadel.' She paused and Joker glanced at her, 'I believe they are in communication with the Keepers.'

'Doing what,' Joker set the ship up for a hit and run attack, checked his scanners and was happy to see the other frigates doing the same.

'Unknown.'

'Guess we'll just have to hope they're on our side.' He opened the internal coms. 'We're about to take on another Reaper people so get ready.' He switched to ship-to-ship, 'on my mark in 3…2…'

EDI was silent as she infiltrated the Reapers defences. The cruisers fired a volley to attract the Reaper's attention and it turned, its main firing chamber already priming. Before it was even half done the Normandy was inside its reach. The ship shuddered as every weapon she had fired. As she darted away the other frigates followed her lead. There was no time for the Reaper to recover as the smaller fighters focused on the lasers on the end of its arms.

Joker spun the Normandy but knowing that he was faster than the other frigates he slowed their speed and waited for them to regroup. Again they darted in under the arms of the beast and it shuddered as the attack destroyed its main firing chamber.

'Now,' Joker instructed and the cruisers opened fire as the smaller ships moved out of the way.

The two damaged dreadnaughts, one Alliance and one asari, that had been attacking the Reaper and wearing it down joined in. Joker could see where their hull plating was gone, kinetic barriers were the only thing holding in the air they were breathing. They never gave up though. Rather than retreat they kept fighting, making the Reaper work for every shot. Their fighter numbers were small but they were sacrificing themselves willingly to take down an enemy that overpowered them in every way.

He had never been more proud to be at the helm, to be a part of a fleet. He cheered with everyone else when the Reaper finally broke apart under their bombardment. It didn't matter that they might die as another Reaper approached. It didn't matter that they were outnumbered and outgunned. What mattered was that they had stood together, not just human but every other race. This was what Shepard had fought for, died for, pushed, prodded and yelled for. He hoped she would see the same on the ground.

He realised as his small fleet moved to attack the approaching Reaper that he had been too preoccupied to worry about what was happening on Earth. He hadn't heard from Shepard since EDI had helped them take down the Reaper on the ground and he guessed they were putting together their final assault. Feeds from the ground were erratic at best and in a way he was relieved, it would only distract him. He had no doubt she was still alive, he was pretty sure he would know if she died, he could sense her. As he cycled up the weapons once more he allowed himself a little bit of hope. They could get through this, they could be together, they could have a future.

* * *

He had no idea how much time had passed. They had been fighting for what seemed like forever. The Reapers had adapted and they'd had to change tactics. EDI was no longer able to affect the Reapers' shields but she was still able to overwrite the oculi so they took advantage of that. The Normandy had taken a few hits but their shielding was holding. His fleet was larger though, several other ships had joined their little armada and while it was harder to get in to disable the firing chamber they still managed to take down individual Reapers. They were finding the partially damaged Reapers, making sure they couldn't get back in the fight, which made their job easier. They were whittling down the numbers but ships were still being destroyed and they were still heavily outnumbered. The debris field was massive in size but it was no longer only organic ships.

He scanned the battle zone. The Geth fleets were concentrating their fire on the larger Sovereign class ships and he wished all ships had the ability to coordinate with their speed and accuracy. The Reapers were spread out, making it easy for them to target defending ships from every angle. He had adjusted his tactics to suit and his own personal fleet was surviving so far. Shepard would be proud. Before thoughts of her could invade his mind he set up for another attack, sending the command to those ships around him. Before he could give the order to move the coms crackled to life,

'The Crucible is on the move. This is it people, protect it at all costs.'

'Jeff, I am picking up Reapers leaving the battle, they appears to be heading for Earth.' EDI brought up the data.

'Shit,' Joker brought up the data but didn't need to read the dimensions, he knew which Reaper was leading. 'Harbinger.'

'I believe so.'

'All ships, stop those Reapers, we have to give Hammer more time,' Hackett sounded worried.

Something must be happening on the ground for the largest and most dominant Reaper to be leaving the field. He could only assume the ground forces were nearing their goal. As if realising there was a viable threat the remaining Reapers closed ranks which made it difficult to get between them as they turned to face the incoming fleet and the Crucible. It was pointless to try and follow the Reapers who were leaving for Earth, they were too fast. Joker's armada moved to concentrate on one Reaper at a time, starting at the edges and working their way in. There was nothing else they could do. As individual ships they didn't stand a chance.

It seemed others had been taking notice too, several other small armadas had formed and they were following Joker's tactics. Unfortunately that left the Reapers not under attack free to harass the ships from another angle. As a distant dreadnaught exploded in a silent but colourful death Joker's hope changed to dread.

'Come on Shepard, we're running out of time,' he muttered as the Normandy dived towards another reaper with his pack behind him. As if his voice had carried the com crackled to life.

'Normandy, come in,' Shepard's voice was breaking up but he couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped. She was still alive. 'Normandy, we need an evac, now!'

'Roger, Commander,' Joker wasn't sure she could hear him over the interference. 'It's busy up here but I'll be there.'

Joker followed through on the attack and once the Reaper was destroyed he let his fleet know he was leaving and trusted them to carry on during his absence. He turned the Normandy for Earth, fear and concern eating at him. For Shepard to call for an evac something had gone wrong. He entered the atmosphere dreading what he was about to find. He brought up the external camera feeds as he dropped beneath the clouds and gagged at what lay below him.

This was supposed to be London. The devastation and ruin was complete, there was nothing left that was recognisable. As he flew across the dark grey, broken city he saw the bodies. Hundreds of them, probably thousands. How did a species come back from this?

'Doc, you'd better prepare for multiple wounded,' there was no stopping the tremor in his voice.

He didn't need to tell the marines still on board what to do, they were already at the cargo bay door, waiting with weapons at the ready. He was surprised to see other crew members alongside them, ready to assist any wounded.

As he dropped onto the battlefield his mind found it hard to comprehend what he was seeing. Vehicles tossed like rag dolls, bodies lying on the ground, their blood being washed away by the rain or soaked up by the mud. Beyond all that was a Reaper, Harbinger, its red beam tearing apart the ground at its feet as he held the Normandy in place. It was hard to understand how they could lose so much, so many, so he gave up trying and focused on the feed from the hangar door camera.

'Go!' Shepard was urging Garrus to help James aboard.

'Shepard, what are you doing?' There was panic in Garrus' voice.

Joker almost gasped at the state of the ground team. Their armour was damaged, torn in places, Garrus was bleeding from multiple wounds and James was hardly standing but he watched in horror as Shepard stepped off the ramp. She was no better off, her armour was dented and damaged, he could see where several layers of ceramic had been torn off. There was blood seeping through cracks and he could only guess that under her helmet she was sweaty, tired and sore. She wasn't coming.

'Babe, what are you doing?' All professionalism was gone as he spoke into her private channel. 'You need to get on board.'

She looked directly at the camera and his breath stopped in is throat. 'I need you to get them out of here,'

Around them there was chaos. People were still running, still trying to get to the beam. The red of the Reaper cut through the landscape like a sharp knife through butter, leaving only a deep gash behind. Out of that gash poured the lifeblood of every race that had gathered to fight. The Normandy hovered over it all, a lifeline for those who were still alive but not able to continue. A last chance for extraction and survival. Shepard wasn't taking it. He wanted to run down and pull her on board, make her leave.

'Ari,' Joker almost choked on her name, 'please.' It was a whisper but she heard him.

'Jeff, I love you,' he heard her choke back a sob. 'Please, I need to know you'll survive this, that others survive this. I need you to keep them safe.' She straightened and he knew there was nothing that would convince her to step on board, she would see this through to whatever end. 'I need you to find me, come get me when we're finished.'

'I love you,' he lifted his hand to the feed and brushed his fingers down her helmet. 'I'll come for you.' He wasn't going to accept this as goodbye.

With a nod she was gone. Joker couldn't watch as she turned and ran. He couldn't give in to despair and fear. He put the Normandy into motion and for a moment the ship hung in the sky as the engines fired up. He knew they had to move but one disadvantage to the SR-2 was that she was slower in atmosphere. It took those extra few seconds for her inertia to kick in so she could fly. His hands worked at the controls but his heart wasn't in it.

He would respect her wishes, he would keep her friends and crew safe but he couldn't stop his heart from breaking. He knew she was a brilliant soldier, a hero and probably the only one who could end this, survive this. The Normandy lifted into a dark sky that matched the darkness in his heart as the red beam cut through where they had just been. As much as it was tearing him apart Joker did the one thing he had never done before. He left the danger zone without Shepard on board.


	83. Chapter 83

**** 83 ****

The Normandy left earth's atmosphere. Her flight was straight and true, there was no shake to her wings, no irregularity in her flight path. Her sleek, sexy shape flew with a purpose. The same couldn't be said about her pilot. His hands trembled on his console, his heart beat erratically and pounded in his ears, he had no purpose, he was lost.

'What's going on, Joker?' Garrus rushed up behind him, still covered in blood and gore, his own blood dripping between cracks in his armour. 'Where's Shepard?'

'Where do think she is!'

'We can't just leave her down there, we have to go back.' Garrus had to jump back as Joker's chair spun with a ferocity he'd never seen before.

'Why the fuck didn't you think of that when you had the chance to drag her on board!' Joker was on his feet, pushing Garrus back angrily. 'Why the fuck did you let her go?'

'Joker …' Garrus held up his hands as he continued backwards.

'Get the fuck off my bridge!' Joker pushed him hard enough to make him stumble, slammed the door shut and locked it.

'Jeff …'

'Shut up, EDI!'

Joker dropped back into his seat. Adrenaline cursed through his veins, his heart raced and he was sweating. _Fuck! What do I do now?_ He was an Alliance pilot, his job was to take part in the battle that was still waging ahead of them, play his part in taking down the Reapers. Control, he had to get control, of his racing heart, his shaking hands and his overwhelming fear. He'd left her behind, again. She'd forced his hand, again. He'd killed her, again. It was a litany of his failure, it took hold and he couldn't shake it. He hated her for taking the choice from him, again.

He was only fooling himself and he knew it. He loved her with every inch of his being. She was the air he breathed, every breath sweet and intoxicating. She believed in him, in his abilities, in his strength, his power to save her. She would be disappointed if she saw him behaving like this. She would be hurt and saddened if he didn't do as she asked and make sure her crew survived. He would make sure they did, just for her. He couldn't guarantee anything beyond that. With a grunt he unlocked and opened the door behind him.

Garrus stepped quietly back onto the bridge and stopped behind him. Joker could sense his apprehension as his hands worked his console, setting their course to rejoin his small fleet. He would at least go down fighting and he was sure everyone on board would want the same.

'Joker?'

'Garrus?'

'Are you okay?'

'Oh, yeah, just peachy,' he snorted and glanced back at the turian. 'You're bleeding all over my bridge.'

'Did anyone else report in?'

'Nope, only you, James and Shepard,' his voice cracked on her name but he forced down emotions that threatened to break him. 'What happened to the rest of the ground team?'

'Tali was with the engineers helping to protect communications, Liara and Javik were on the left flank, Kaidan went to help Jack and the biotic students bolster protection on the right flank.' He sighed, disappointment and regret rolled of him. 'Shepard wouldn't let them all run down the middle, I think she wanted to protect them.'

'Of course she did,' Joker grimaced, 'it's what she does.'

'She'll make it, Joker,' Garrus gently gripped his shoulder and as much as he wanted to Joker didn't shake him off.

He wanted to believe Garrus was right, needed to believe it. Clinging to that hope was all that was keeping him from breaking. He located his fleet and was changing course when the coms crackled to life.

'Did we get anyone to the beam?'

'Negative, our entire force was decimated!'

Joker choked on a groan. The world spun, all sense of reality faded into a dark grey blur. She was gone. It wasn't real. It couldn't be possible. She had to survive. She couldn't die. But she had died. This time there would be no-one to bring her back.

Someone cried out, an agonising sound of heartbreak and despair. It took him a moment to realise it was him. He had nothing left to live for. The woman he loved was gone, his family was probably gone, he was alone with an empty and grief filled future. He'd already done that once, he couldn't do it again. He didn't have the strength to face the future without her, not this time. He couldn't save her crew, couldn't save anyone. He couldn't save himself. His chest ached as he forced back sobs.

'Jeff.'

Someone was calling his name. It wasn't her it didn't matter.

'Jeff!' He felt a solid but gentle grip on his arm, 'Jeff, Shepard is alive.'

Reality slammed back. His chest heaved as he gasped around the physical pain in his lungs. Pressure on his arm made him look up into the face of EDI. His mouth worked but nothing came out.

'She is alive,' EDI reached down and brought up a screen that showed a moving dot. 'She is on the Citadel, her tracker is still active.'

'Spirits,' Garrus whispered behind him, there was a thud as he dropped into a seat.

Joker stared at the slowly moving dot in disbelief. She'd done it. Somehow she'd defeated the odds, again. Guilt took hold and he wanted to shoot himself for doubting her, for ever thinking she would fail. He was disgusted with himself for giving in, for not staying true to her wishes.

'How is she, Joker?' Garrus was standing again.

'The feed from her suit is erratic and breaking up. Her bio readings indicate severe trauma to her outer body, several fractures and some blood loss. The medical interface in her armour does not appear to be functioning.' EDI answered for him.

'Where is she?' Joker looked at the screen.

'Unknown. This part of the Citadel does not appear on any schematics or maps.'

'Shit,' Joker gave up all thought of re-joining the fleet, they needed to be closer to the Citadel.

'Joker, what are you doing?' Garrus was leaning on his chair and Joker knew he was in pain.

'Getting ready,' he glanced up at him, 'this was what we planned for, remember.'

'If we're too close to the Citadel when the Crucible fires …'

'I know, but what difference does it make. If it's going to destroy us it doesn't matter where we are. If it doesn't it saves time.' Joker looked at the puddle of blue blood on the deck. 'You're still bleeding all over my bridge, Garrus. Get to medbay and get yourself fixed up. Someone might have to go and get her.'

Garrus looked at him for a moment, 'keep me updated,' he nodded and limped away.

Joker dropped them into stealth and put them in a position far enough away from any Reapers but close enough to get to the Citadel quickly. He brought up the Citadel on his screen. All they could do now was wait.

'Jeff, should we be helping the fleet fight the Reapers?' EDI asked quietly.

'One ship won't make much difference,' he shrugged and chuckled softly, 'although the Normandy might. It doesn't matter. Once the Citadel is open and the Crucible attached the fleet will be ordered to leave. We've shown them the best tactics and right now they're holding their own.'

'Is that what Shepard would want?'

'I'm doing what Shepard wanted,' he knew he was stretching things, 'I'm protecting the crew and the ship.'

'Very well, Jeff,' EDI nodded.

'Did you find out anything more about that signal from the Leviathans? What are they saying to the Keepers? How does that work anyway, weren't the Keepers put there by the Reapers?' He spun to face her.

'I have not had time to study the signal, I will do so now. It would appear, as Chorban suspected, that the Keepers communicate telepathically, perhaps through the electrical packs on their back.'

'I've heard them make noises though,' Joker frowned as he remembered the clicks and beeps they made whenever anyone got close to them.

'Perhaps that is just a warning, no-one has truly studied them because of their self-destructive nature. Leviathan may have discovered a way to tap into that communication network, they have had thousands of years to study it. It would be similar to learning a second language.'

'They could be telling them to destroy the Citadel so the Crucible can't be connected.'

'That is a possibility.' EDI agreed. 'However, they have been hiding from the Reapers for centuries so they might want to use this opportunity to rid themselves of their enemy too.'

Joker was about to respond when movement made him glance at his screen. The Citadel was still closed but he was sure ….

'Shit!' He sat upright and grinned. 'She did it.'

'This is it everyone,' Hackett's voice echoed around the bridge. 'The arms are opening.'

'Jeff, the Commander's bio signs are weakening.'

'Come on baby, just hold on a little longer,' he was speaking to himself but he hoped like never before that she could hear him. 'EDI, can we get coms working or a visual feed.'

'Negative. Something is jamming all signals from the Citadel.'

'Can she hear us?'

'Unknown.'

'Babe, if you can hear me please don't give up. I'm here and I'm coming for you.' He spoke into her private channel, he had to believe she could hear him.

The Crucible slid between the arms of the Citadel which continued to open, well beyond their normal positioning. Like the petals of a flower they spread out wide. Time seemed to stop as the Crucible moved ever so slowly into position. The galaxy held its breath as arms locked on and a connection was made.

Nothing happened. There was no great fire or energy beam, no cosmic wave to drown the Reapers out of existence. There was just silence, an eerie, hair-raising silence.

'Jeff,' EDI stood up. 'I am going offline now. I will take this platform to the AI core so that if I do not survive it will not be necessary for the crew to dispose of it.'

'EDI,' Joker spun his chair and stood up, his emotions were already in turmoil, the thought of losing EDI only made them worse. 'Thank you, you know, for saving our lives, for not turning rogue, for being a friend.' He stepped forward and hugged her.

For a moment she stood still and silent, then her arms went around him ever so gently and he was sure he felt a tremble. She laid her head on his shoulder, it was the most human thing he'd seen her do.

'Thank you, Jeff,' she raised her head and stepped back. 'You gave me freedom and allowed me to live. You showed me what it is to be human, to care. I will never forget you.'

'I'll see you when this is over,' Joker forced a smile but tears burned his eyes.

'I will look forward to that.' She nodded and left the bridge.

Joker brought up the camera feed as he sat down and watched her walk through the CIC. The crew was positive, letting her know that they would see her later. Traynor stopped her and gave her a hug and Joker could see the emotion on her face. He wasn't the only one possibly losing a friend. Dr Chakwas and James said their goodbyes as she passed through the medbay, refusing to admit that she might not be coming back. Garrus followed her into the AI core.

'It is not necessary for you to be here, Garrus,' EDI smiled at him and lay down on the bench where she taken control of her body.

'I want to be here,' Garrus took her hand and Joker could hear the emotion in his sub vocals.

'Thank you,' she closed her eyes and gripped his talons.

'It's been an honour, EDI,' Garrus whispered as her hand released its hold.

Joker shut down the feed, tears rolled freely down his face as the ship went through a transition from being alive to feeling like any other ship. It suddenly felt cold. Minimal systems came back on line and as Joker ran a series of checks he realised just how much EDI had come to mean to all of them. She truly had become a part of the crew, part of their family. He was sure he wasn't the only one with an aching heart at the thought of possibly losing her.

'Shepard, nothing's happening.' Hackett's panicked voice brought Joker's focus back to the Citadel.

There was no response and there was an agonising wait as the dot on his screen didn't move. Then she did. He watched her move but suddenly she disappeared. There were no readings of any kind from anywhere on the Citadel. It was as if it wasn't there.

'Adams, Traynor, it's time.' Joker shut down his console and watched the lights flicker off around him.

The ship went dark as the core shut down. They weren't taking any chances and a planned shutdown was their best option. The only light behind him came from torches or omnitools as the crew dealt with sitting in the dark the best way they could. The only thing still running was life support from a backup system so they didn't freeze to death and could still breathe.

Joker sat on the bridge in darkness. The light from the stars was enough for him to see by and he watched through the viewport as he waited for something to happen. In the distance he could see the flashes from weapons fire as the battle with the Reapers still waged. He knew the geth would have gone dark too and he wondered what they'd done to protect themselves, to defend against the Reapers destroying them while they slept.

Without his sensors he had little information available, EDI had updated his omnitool with links to communications, sensors and cameras but it was very basic. There was no way he could get any kind of reading from the Citadel or the ships still fighting. He was about to bring up the external camera feeds when his omnitool flashed to life.

'Hackett to all fleets, the Crucible is armed. All fleets disengage and head for the rendezvous points.'

This was it. This was where they lived or died, where the Reapers were destroyed or the Reapers destroyed them because the Crucible was a dud. He watched the flashes of light as ships disappeared into FTL. Someone stumbled behind him and he turned to see Traynor hanging on to the door frame.

'Sorry,' she smiled and he was sure she shrugged, 'do you mind if I sit up here with you?'

Joker indicated the co-pilot's seat and she hesitated before slowly making herself comfortable. A light appeared behind him as Garrus approached and placed his hand on Joker's chair.

'How you doin' Garrus,' Joker craned his neck to look at him, he would have had to climb through the maintenance tunnels to get to this deck from medbay.

'Okay, a few more scars, might attract a few more ladies,' he chuckled.

'Yeah, I hear those krogan females love scars.' Joker shook his head with a laugh that was anything but joyous. 'How's James?'

'Cranky. Dr Chakwas has told him she'll sedate him if he tries to leave the medbay. Some shrapnel tore through his armour and ripped through the muscle in his leg. Part of his armour was crushed against his ribs, apparently cracked a couple.' Garrus shook his head with a sigh, 'he's eager to get up and go after Shepard.'

'Aren't we all,' Joker scoffed.

'What do you think is happening over there?' Traynor was craning her neck to get a better view.

'Whatever it is we'd better hope it works,' Garrus lifted his eyes to look out.

'It's taking too long,' nerves were taking hold and Joker gripped the arms of his chair. 'What if …'

Everything went red. Joker looked up in panic, expecting to see a Reaper about to fire on them. Then he realised it was coming from the Citadel. There was a collective gasp as a wave of red rushed outward from the Crucible and Joker's grip on his chair became tighter as he waited for the shockwave to hit. It washed over them with a gentle shudder and he gasped in surprise. How could something so light destroy the most powerful beings in the galaxy? Beside him Traynor stared at him wide eyed and behind him Garrus was just as confused, his mandibles fluttering as his mouth moved silently in shock.

The wave washed over Earth, almost loving in its touch. To the three watching from the bridge of the Normandy it seemed anti-climactic. There was no thunderous roar of a weapon, no great energy beam aimed directly at the Reapers. It was like a wave washing up on a beach, slow and gentle. Yet even the gentlest waves had the power of erosion, the power to wash sea shells onto the sand and pull them back again. They watched in awe as the wave washed over the Reapers and they fizzled and died. There were no explosions, there was no resistance. They were just still and dark.

They jumped as the wave was suddenly sucked back towards the Citadel. The arms of the Citadel lit up like Christmas lights and bright explosions could be seen along the arms. Joker held his breath, afraid that the Citadel was about to explode and take Shepard with it. His fingers were white on his chair and he felt Garrus push down on the back of it.

With a force more powerful than any Reaper beam energy shot out from the Citadel. It was deadly in its power, anything in its path disintegrated. The Normandy was buffeted terrifyingly by its passing and for a moment Joker was worried it was going to rip them apart. But it was quickly gone. Following the trajectory in his head he realised it was heading for the relay. He wondered if the relay would survive intact. He highly doubted it.

Then it was over. The beam was gone, The Reapers were dead. Earth was saved. He looked out at the Citadel to see it go dark, its arms damaged and broken. There was no sign of anything living, no atmosphere. If Shepard was alive she wouldn't be for long.

'Adams, it's time to go.' Joker went to work as around him the ship came back to life.

He had no time to worry about whether EDI would come back to life with it. He needed to be in motion, to save the woman he loved. He needed her to live so he had something to live for. As they slowly moved forward towards the darkened shell of the Citadel he had a sickening feeling he was going to be too late.


	84. Chapter 84

**** 84 ****

An explosion of sound shattered the semi darkness and silence. Com chatter echoed around the bridge, making them all jump. There were sounds of cheers and laughter but amid the celebration there were calls for help. Life pods from destroyed ships floated amid the debris, their occupants sending out maydays. Ships severely damaged and unable to go into FTL reported in, requesting assistance or offering help where they could. Until Hackett and the fleet returned there was little chance of co-ordination.

Joker's hands worked quickly on his console as he watched systems return and control was back in his hands. He knew he should help where he could but his focus was elsewhere. The Citadel loomed before them, dark, lifeless and destroyed. Large chunks were missing, the once proud beautiful buildings were nothing but sharp, jagged spires jutting out into space. The pristine lakes empty, the gardens gone.

'Spirits,' Garrus whispered and Joker nodded. 'How could anyone survive that?'

'Normandy, is that you?' The voice stopped Joker's answer.

'Bailey?' Garrus sounded as surprised as Joker felt.

'Garrus, damn if you aren't a sound for deaf ears,' Bailey chuckled and Garrus looked at Joker in confusion.

'How the hell are you alive?'

'It was the darndest thing,' they could almost hear him shaking his head. 'Those of us who couldn't get off the Citadel kept fighting, we watched the Crucible dock and thought we were done for. We were all saying our prayers, let me tell you.' They heard him take a deep breath, 'just when we thought it was all over the Keepers poured out of the maintenance tunnels, thousands of them. I had no idea there were so many.'

'They've always been a mystery,' Garrus agreed.

'Yeah, well they formed a line across the arms, all the way around. Then they just stood there, they were waiting for something. Then they put up some sort of barrier and the Crucible fired.' They could hear the confusion in his voice. 'At first it didn't seem too bad, the first wave went out but the second … that was something else. It was like an earthquake. The whole place shook, there were system overloads all over the place, explosions and we really thought we were goners.'

'What the fuck!?' Joker craned his neck, his eyes not wanting to believe what they were seeing as they approached the centre of the Citadel.

'My god,' Traynor gaped.

Ahead of them there was a barrier. It encased the centre of the Citadel and reached out along the arms, stopping about a quarter of the way along. From the readings he could get Joker realised it was the same type that held the Citadel's oxygen in place. He zoomed in on one arm and the keepers came into view, along with something else that made his blood run cold.

'Garrus.'

'I see it,' Garrus whispered, not wanting to alert Bailey.

Joker had stopped all forward movement the minute he'd seen the Leviathan orb. The keepers were holding it in place, connected to it. The orb was creating the barrier and the line of keepers were being used like a conduit to spread it. Joker's stomach churned. The barrier was keeping survivors alive but at what cost. If they passed through it would they be over run, taken control of, unable save Shepard.

'What's that?' Garrus pointed to something on the screen and Joker zoomed in further.

They both stared open mouthed as survivors moved around freely. Some were even waving at the Normandy, trying to get their attention. Joker glanced up at Garrus whose mandibles flared in confusion but quickly settled.

'Bailey,' Garrus spoke calmly but Joker could see how tight his mandibles were against his face. He was anything but calm. 'We can see the keepers, they're using Leviathan orbs to create the barrier.'

'Well I'll be …' there was a pause and Joker couldn't shake the bad feeling that washed over him. 'If you're thinking we're under their control, we're not. I remember everything that's happened, I have no sudden urge to talk in a deep voice and sound like some monster from the deep.'

Garrus chuckled, 'there have been times,' he glanced at Joker who was bringing up more images from the Citadel as their cameras rotated.

'Damn, I wish EDI were here, she'd be able to break into the Citadel feeds so we have a better idea of what's going on.'

'Like this,' Traynor grinned beside him, she'd been working the whole time they'd been talking.

The sounds of conversations came through the communication network. There were people talking to each other, helping, carrying on normally, well as normally as the situation would allow. There were no signs of Leviathan control, no-one sprouting threats or talking about darkness that can't be breached.

'And … this,' Traynor chuckled as feeds from the Citadel popped up on the screens.

'How …' Joker looked from the screens to Traynor, she was good but that seemed too easy.

'They let me in,' she shrugged. 'I was looking for access codes and there they were.'

'I guess we have to trust they want to help,' Garrus put his talon on Joker's shoulder.

A navigation beacon appeared on his screen and Joker stared at it for a moment before making the decision that could doom them all. With determined movements he slowly put them into forward motion. They had taken enough time already: they needed to find Shepard. Her tracking beacon hadn't moved and her bio readings were unavailable. Joker needed to believe that it was because the damage had affected them, that it was just faulty readings.

As the Normandy passed through the barrier the change was amazing. There were still damaged buildings and obvious destruction but there was life. Survivors stopped to watch as the Normandy headed for the Presidium dock, following the beacon to the upper section of the Citadel that was normally only used for council shuttles. He hadn't realised it was large enough for the Normandy.

'Normandy, this is Cortez.'

'Steve,' Joker slowly moved them into position and waited for the docking clamps to engage. 'Glad to hear you're alive.'

'Alive and kicking and I have some people here who are going to kill me if I don't get them to Shepard.' Joker heard cursing in the background.

'Is that Jack?' Joker chuckled as the ship bounced ever so gently and he powered down the engines.

'Yeah, it's fucking me,' she yelled through the com.

'Major Alenko, Liara, Javik, Tali,' Cortez rolled off the list, 'they're all here and itching to help find Shepard.' He paused and Joker could hear the unasked question.

'We don't know if she's alive,' he couldn't stop the tremor in his voice. 'We know where she is but we have to get to her.'

'Let's go get her then,' Kaidan spoke above the din coming from the shuttle.

An Alliance shuttle dropped into view and landed on a platform to port and Joker had never been so glad to see one. The hatch opened and most of Shepard's ground team stepped out. Steve lifted off again and Joker opened the bay door so he could come aboard.

'Hell, yeah,' Vega agreed as he came up behind Joker with Dr Chakwas in tow, obviously not happy about Vega being on his feet.

Joker opened the airlock and was about to get out of his seat but Garrus stopped him.

'We need you to stay here, Joker,' Garrus held up his talon to stop Joker's argument. 'You need to make sure the Normandy is flight worthy, in case we have to take Shepard to Earth, or leave in a hurry.'

There was an unspoken concern and Joker realised what Garrus was getting at. If this was a trap, if things weren't as they seemed then they might need a fast departure, if they had to head for Earth they needed to be sure the ship could handle it. Joker also knew they needed to move fast and he would only slow them down. With a reluctant nod he settled back in his seat.

'Leave your suit feed on, please.'

Garrus nodded and joined James in the airlock. 'James, I need you to stay here too.'

'What?' He definitely didn't like the idea.

'Joker may need your help, he can explain,' he placed his talon on Vega's shoulder and leaned in closer, 'you might want to get a couple of marines up here to guard the airlock.'

James looked up in confusion then nodded at the open concern on the turian's face. Chakwas stepped up to Joker, medical bag in hand and Joker knew she would do her best to make sure Shepard survived.

'We'll bring her back, Jeff,' she patted his shoulder gently and followed Garrus off the ship.

'Fill me in Joker,' James limped up behind his chair.

'I'm going to see what I can find out about EDI in the AI core,' Traynor got to her feet.

Joker listened to her retreating footsteps and hoped she could bring EDI back to life. 'Adams, we need to run diagnostics and do a hull check.'

'Roger that, I'll get Donnelly on the hull check. We'll make sure our girl's ready to fly when you need her.'

Joker brought up the feed from Garrus' suit as he gave Vega the details on what had Garrus worried. As James stepped back to call up a couple of marines Joker started his diagnostics. His mind was anywhere but on the readouts as he watched the team make their way through the damage and debris that was the Citadel. He wanted to yell at them to move faster but he had to trust them to get to Shepard in time. He really had no other choice.

* * *

'Joker,' James spoke softly into his ear piece, 'you should see this.'

Joker brought up the feeds from the external camera and a puzzled frown creased his brow. James had led Westmoreland, Campbell and a couple of crew members out onto the dock, organised some crates to create a barricade then James and the two marines had taken up a position between the Normandy and the open bay. Anyone wanting to get to the Normandy would have to go through the three of them. They were now standing erect, weapons in hand as a crowd approached. They didn't appear to be threatening and he watched as they stopped at the edge of the bay, simply standing and looking out at the Normandy. He brought up his pre-flight diagnostics and started them running, better to be safe than sorry.

'Garrus, how are you doing?' He glanced at the feed from his suit and was a little concerned when everything appeared dark.

'Almost there,' Garrus sounded edgy and Joker was starting to think they were right to be worried about a trap. 'I've never seen this part of the Citadel before and there's a lot of rubble to get through.'

'Okay, I might have to pull out so I'll keep you posted.'

'Problems?' The sound of footsteps stopped, 'I can send someone back to help.'

'No, I don't think so, just giving you a heads up.'

'Roger that.'

Joker looked at the crowd outside, zooming in closer to get details. They were walking wounded, multiple species pulled together by a common need. Men, women and children, some in uniforms, some with torn or burnt clothing, all in need of aid, there were no blank faces, no emotionless eyes. They were all moving freely and definitely aware of their surroundings. A man in a C-sec uniform stepped up to James who half raised his weapon and the man stopped, a pained expression on his face.

'This is the Normandy, isn't it?' He glanced up at the ship. 'This is Shepard's ship.'

'That's right,' James nodded, still cautious.

'Is she here?'

'Why do you want to know?' James was frowning and Joker could feel his growing edginess from the bridge as he skipped a few unnecessary checks to make the pre-flight faster.

'We want to thank her,' the man sighed and Joker felt himself relax.

'No, man, she's not here,' James placed his hand gently on the man's shoulders. 'Joker, can we get a medic out here and maybe some supplies.'

'Roger that,' Joker was already on the com letting the medic they'd picked up on Earth know that he was needed outside.

He also sent a message to the cargo bay and asked Steve to bring up some ration bars and water. He knew they had plenty on board because Shepard had been fastidious in ordering supplies to see them through long term space flight. It wasn't long before the sound of a cargo hoist behind him made him turn.

'Joker, what's going on?' Steve was pushing the loaded hoist forward.

'We've got wounded and hungry people outside, thought we might help.' He eyed the crates, 'is there dextro stuff in there.'

'Yeah, grabbed a bit of everything.' Steve nodded and headed out the airlock, the medic and several crew members on his heels.

Joker watched as James opened a crate and bent down to hold out a ration bar to a child that had stepped forward. His face told of horrors he'd seen, his shaking hands told of the fear he'd felt and he suddenly threw himself into James' arms and buried his face in his neck. Joker could see the emotion James was trying to hold in as he picked the shuddering child up and held him securely against his chest.

'Are the monsters gone,' Joker heard the child whisper.

'Yeah,' James' voice trembled, 'the monsters are gone.'

Without letting go of the child and struggling to hide tears James used his free hand to grab ration bars and hand them out to others who came forward. As the medic and Steve handed out food and water and offered aid Joker could see the relief on the faces of those who had thought they were going to die, tears rolled freely down their cheeks as they accepted aid. They reached out to touch the crew as they moved among them, needing to know they were real, that they were safe.

Joker found his own emotions breaking through. It was over. They'd been fighting this war for so long there was an unreal feeling to its end. He was still waiting for the next alarm to sound, for the next planet that needed saving, for Shepard to give him the next set of co-ordinates that they needed to get to in a hurry. He watched the people outside and knew the casualty list would be unknown, there was no possible way they could account for all the dead. He wondered where the child's parents were, how many had been orphaned by this war, how many parents had lost their children, how many brothers and sisters had been lost.

He thought of Hilary and found himself gripping the arms of his chair. Would he ever know if she was alive, if she'd died a slow painful death, if she'd been turned into something grotesque that someone had been forced to kill. Had she somehow survived, had his father survived. His hands were shaking as he struggled to hold back the tide of emotion that threatened to drown him. Did he have anyone left to live for, if Shepard ….

'What the …'

Joker's head snapped up to Garrus' feed and his eyes widened in disbelief. Garrus had stopped and he could hear the startled questions from behind him that were quickly silenced as Dr Chakwas dashed forward. Walking towards them was a keeper, it arms holding a limp form, battered, burned and bloody. It was almost unrecognisable but he knew her body as intimately as he knew his own. Joker gasped at the damage, there were layers of skin missing, muscle and bone protruded and armour melded with what little skin was still intact. How could she survive that?

The thudding of his heart drowned out everything else as he watched the keeper gently lower Shepard to the ground and Chakwas reached out to feel for a pulse. His body shook uncontrollably and somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was probably going into shock. He couldn't stop it. As Chakwas ran her omnitool over Shepard he wrapped his arms around himself and huddled into his chair. Tears ran freely down his cheeks.

'She's alive, barely,' Chakwas went to work as Kaidan bent to help her and once she was happy Shepard was stable enough to move she stood up and turned to Garrus, 'we need to get her back to the Normandy now!' As if sensing his distress Chakwas spoke into Joker's ear. 'Jeff, she's alive.'

Joker's body trembled as exhaustion, fear and relief fought for control.  It wasn't until he felt hands on his arms that he tumbled back into reality. He gasped for breath as he looked up into the concerned eyes of Steve.

'Joker,' he waited for the distraught man before him to focus, 'she's alive, they're on their way back.'

Joker simply nodded. His voice didn't want to work, his hands didn't want to stop shaking, his tears wouldn't stop falling. Steve pulled him forward and wrapped his arms around him and Joker gave in to the emotions that had overwhelmed him. Steve held him like a brother as all the fear, doubt and stress poured out of him. It was a tidal wave of emotion that had Steve crying with him, knowing that Joker needed to let it out so he could deal with what was yet to come. But they were alive, Shepard was alive, the war was over. Against all odds and at an astronomical cost they'd done it. They'd won. Steve felt Joker shaking and realised he was laughing.

'We did it,' Joker sat up, tears still ran down his cheeks, his hands still shook but his eyes burned with hope. He was starting to sound giddy and for a moment Steve thought he was going into full shock. 'We sent those fucking cuttlefish to hell.' He grabbed Steve's face and slapped a loud, smacking kiss on his forehead. 'We won!'

'Yes we did,' Steve was dragged along on Joker's roller-coaster ride of emotion and laughed with him, stepping back as Joker got to his feet.

'Shepard's alive,' Joker pulled Steve into a hug, which he returned easily. 'We're alive and everything will be fine.'

'Yes it will.'

'Joker,' Chakwas' voice brought them both down to earth with thud. 'I need the medbay sterilised and if you can find me some more doctors I would appreciate the help. Shepard needs surgery immediately.'

'Roger that, doc,' Joker slipped back into his chair, his hand grasping Steve's as he went to walk away. 'Thanks, man,' Joker squeezed his hand and received a gentle squeeze in return.

'Anytime,' Steve nodded, 'I'll go and help prepare medbay.'

Joker nodded and got on the com to Bailey. If anyone knew of other doctors still on the Citadel it would be him. It was going to be a tough climb back for Shepard but she was alive, that was what he needed to remember. She's alive.

It seemed to take forever for the ground team to return but Joker knew they were moving as fast as they could. A commotion outside made him look up to see the crowd parting and the team moving hurriedly through them. Kaidan and Javik carried Shepard on a stretcher while everyone else created a barrier around her. There was an ominous silence as the crowd watched them pass and before anyone realised what was happening the man in the C-sec uniform stepped in front of them. Joker felt his blood run cold as the man stiffened. The team were immediately on alert.

'Shepard,' the voice made everyone shudder, 'you have succeeded where others failed. We have given you the aid you seemed to think you deserved, we deemed it acceptable. Your cycle will survive but know this, we will be watching.'

The man crumpled and looked around in confusion as James pulled him aside to let the team pass. Joker was relieved when they finally stepped onto the Normandy. A shuttle landed outside and several people rushed out towards the Normandy. James ordered Westmoreland to lead them on board and Joker guessed these were doctors. As they hurried through CIC he wanted desperately to follow them but if he had to sit and wait he might as well be doing something useful, keep his mind occupied. He brought up the external feeds and listened in on the chaos outside the Citadel. Ships were still calling for help, escape pods were still out there and though he couldn't risk moving the Normandy while the doctors were working on Shepard they had a perfectly good shuttle in the bay and an excellent pilot to fly it.

'Steve, feel like doing some flying?' Joker opened the com to the bay.

'What have you got in mind, Joker?'

'Thought we might help out, get some co-ordination happening. Show them how it's done.'

'We can do that,' Steve laughed.

'Yes we can,' Joker chuckled. _Yes, we can._


	85. Chapter 85

**** 85 ****

Joker sat by Shepard's bed in medbay. He'd given up believing he could work and not worry about what was going on with her hours ago. He ended up in the mess, sitting at the table staring at the shuttered windows of medbay, for three hours. It was surprising that he lasted as long as he had on the bridge when his heart and mind were elsewhere. He wasn't the only one. Gradually, over the course of those three hours others had wandered in, sat with him and stayed. There was some conversation but mostly there were worried glances at the locked door. Garrus was the only one missing when the lock turned green and the doctors filed out, obviously exhausted but seeming relieved.

Chakwas had taken a bit longer but eventually she had joined them. The exhaustion was clear on her face and Joker knew it had been a hard battle to save Shepard. As she rolled off her list of injuries Joker found himself flinching more than once and he saw the frown that developed on Kaidan's face. They both knew what was ahead of her. One by one they'd passed through medbay, each saying their own prayer or talking to Shepard as if she could hear them.

Finally he was left alone with his wife and he didn't know what to do. He stared absently at the kinetic barrier that surrounded her body, following her form so closely if it wasn't for the shimmer he wouldn't know it was there. It was protecting her from infection, holding her body temperature stable and keeping the medigel in place. He wanted nothing more than to sit beside her and hold her, let her know he was here but it wasn't possible.

He ran through the list of injuries, open fractures in the left leg, compound fractures in the left arm and several cracked ribs on the left side. She had gunshot wounds, add to that second and third degree burns to the right side of her body, he'd almost retched as Chakwas told them what they'd had to do to separate her armour from her skin. She'd been in surgery for almost sixteen hours. Four times she'd died and been revived, once by a salarian doctor physically pumping her heart with his hand while others tried to stem the bleeding that was draining her life. She was bruised just about everywhere, her heartbeat was irregular and while Chakwas said she would survive Joker wondered just what sort of survival that would be.

He focused his gaze on her face and felt tears building. The mask on her face was helping to feed her oxygen and the medigel was healing the burns. He knew she would need more surgery, that Chakwas was growing cloned skin, that it would be a long time before she was anywhere near the woman she was. He knew this was going to be hard on her, he knew from personal experience with broken bones that it wasn't easy or quick to get back to normal. _Fuck!_ It would be days, possibly weeks, before they brought her out of the medically induced coma. The level of pain she would have to endure if they brought her out now would be unbearable.

Yet he wanted her to wake. He wanted to hear her voice, if only for a moment, to hear her say she loved him. She would push him away, he knew that, it was what she did. He had no intention of letting her. He would be by her side every step of the way.

'Hey babe,' he sat up and leant on the edge of the bed, instinctively reaching for her hand that strangely enough, except for a couple of bruises, was healthy and undamaged. He stopped as he neared the barrier. 'I like to think you can hear me, at least you can't talk back,' he chuckled softly. 'You did it, you stopped the Reapers, saved us all. I thought you should know that.' He desperately wanted to touch her, to feel life running through her.

Chakwas moved to the other side of the bed and Joker watched as she fiddled with the machines, taking readings and nodding in satisfaction. The barrier around Shepard's hand pulled back and sealed around her wrist and Joker looked up at the doctor in confusion.

'She needs you as much as you need her,' Chakwas smiled at him and walked away.

Tears ran down his cheeks as he tenderly lifted her fingers and held her hand in his. He could feel her warmth, her life and though she couldn't respond he wanted to believe she could feel him. He gently rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, feeling the familiar roughness of her skin. She'd always had dry hands, she said it was the gun oil and the wearing of her gloves that dried them out. He sat further forward and rubbed her fingers against his face, kissing each one reverently, wetting them with his tears.

'I love you,' he whispered against her skin. He choked back a sob, he wasn't going to break, not at her bedside. She needed him to be strong for her. 'You have to keep fighting, babe, fight for us. Come back to me, please. Just one last fight, that's all I'm asking, I can't do this alone.' A hand on his shoulder made him look up.

'How is she?' Garrus was looking at Shepard and Joker could see the worry on his face, he wasn't bothering to try and hide it.

'Chakwas can give you details. She's alive, that's something.' Joker tried to hold back emotion but failed miserably and Garrus' talon tightened gently on his shoulder.

'She's a survivor, she'll get through this.'

'Yeah, but at what cost.' Joker released her hand and sat back. 'This isn't something she's going to get over in a couple of days. This is going to take months. You and I both know she's not going to accept that,' he looked up into the dark eyes of his friend. 'She's going to push herself, she's going to push us away and she's going to hate herself for doing it.'

'But we're not going to let her, are we?' Garrus met Joker's eyes and the determination gave Joker strength, he wasn't going to be in this alone. 'You need to get some rest, you've been awake for almost two days.'

'Yeah, I know, I just need to be here a little longer,' he reached for Shepard's hand. 'Don't worry, I'm not going to let myself get into a state like I have before. She needs me to be better than that.'

'Good to hear,' Garrus straightened up. 'The fleet should be back in a few hours, we heard from Hackett.'

'Okay.' Joker nodded and heard Garrus leave. 'Hear that, babe, the fleet's coming back. Rebuilding's about to start, I know you'll want to be around to see that.' He kissed her hand, 'when you wake up we'll have to check out our apartment, see if it's still intact, get some use out of that hot tub again.' He fought down grief as he thought about Anderson, how a keeper had carried his body out and placed it at James' feet. 'We have to do that for Anderson, show him we appreciate what he did for us.' Joker sat up, not letting go of her hand, 'I need to go get some sleep before doc sedates me again or Garrus kicks my ass, but I promise I will be back soon.' He gave her hand a final rub with his thumb, 'I love you.' He got up and headed for the door.

'Jeff,' Chakwas stopped him. 'Here,' she brought up her omnitool and his flared to life. 'I've given you the feed from her bed, if an alarm goes off you'll know it. If there is any other kind of response you can be here quickly.' She looked up at his moist eyes, 'she will recover, Jeff.'

'Yeah, I know but it's not going to be easy.' He glanced over at his wife seemingly asleep on the bed, 'and she's not going to make it easy.'

'She wouldn't be Shepard if she did,' Chakwas chuckled. 'I hope you're going to get some rest.'

'Yes mum,' Joker reached out and pulled her into a hug. 'Thank you,' he felt her arms around him. 'Thank you for always being here, for saving her life.'

'Anytime, I wouldn't be anywhere else,' she pulled back and he could see tears in her eyes. 'Now, get out of here and get some rest, you know I'll sedate you if you don't.'

Joker chuckled and gave her a mock salute then with a last look at the woman he loved left the medbay. He grabbed a couple of ration bars to tide him over but by the time he reached their cabin he simply dropped onto the bed. He hugged Shepard's pillow, inhaling the scent of her as he gave in to emotions he'd fought so hard to hold back. He brought up the sound of her heartbeat on his omnitool as he sobbed into her pillow. He fell into darkness knowing it was still beating and she was still alive.

* * *

Four days later Joker was in his usual position at the end of his shift, sitting beside Shepard's bed. He had wanted to do nothing more than sit there and never leave but it wouldn't do him or her any good. She had to know he was helping, that he was carrying on in her place where he could. It had only been four days but Chakwas was happy with Shepard's progress. The medigel was doing its job and healing her burns, so much so that sometime in the next couple of days they could introduce her new cloned skin. Joker knew that meant more surgery but it was a good thing.

'Hey babe,' he held her hand in his, he knew everyone had been coming through, spending time with her, talking to her, making sure she was never alone, but for him these moments were precious. 'I thought you might like an update. We're still docked on the Citadel, apparently the regular docks aren't clear enough for ships yet so the Normandy and the Presidium docks, what's left of them, are being used as a temporary dock for shuttles moving survivors and supplies. Steve is not happy about his bay being used as a thoroughfare.' Joker chuckled as he thought about Steve cursing and ranting in the mess about having no control.

'Vega just keeps telling him to chill out. Garrus is helping Bailey round up survivors, Liara is trying to get her network up and running with some success and helping Traynor who's working on bringing EDI back. Tali was helping but once the fleet came back she went to help with setting up food production for quarian and turian diets, but she promised to shoot me if I didn't keep her updated on your progress.' Joker dropped his eyes to the floor, 'there's always bad news though isn't there. The relays aren't working so everyone is stuck here. The salarians believe they can figure them out and have headed out to the Charon relay. Let's hope so or we could have another war on our hands.'

Joker sat back, removed his cap and ran his hands through his hair before replacing it and sitting forward again. He hated not getting a response, not seeing the ideas formulate behind her eyes. She would be mightily pissed to be missing what was happening, not seeing the relief on the faces of survivors. At the same time he was glad she didn't have to see the grief and despair on the faces of those who were alone, she didn't have to hear the children crying for their parents.

'We've started moving survivors to Earth, at least there they don't have to worry about the oxygen running out. They're setting up camps away from the cities, there's so many dead bodies, they're afraid of outbreaks. It's a mess, babe, I'm glad you can't see it.' He hated talking to her of horrible things but there wasn't a lot of good news out there, other than the fact they were still alive. 'Hey, the keepers are doing amazing things, they're everywhere. Who knew there were so many of them, but they're rebuilding the Citadel. They've already finished a section of housing and people who are needed up here are already moving in.' Joker wasn't the only one surprised by the keeper activity. Before they'd seemed unobtrusive, a mystery, now they were openly working to rebuild and it was astonishing to watch. 'With any luck they'll have the docks up and running soon and Steve will stop his complaining.'

The medbay door opened and he glanced up to see Admiral Hackett walking towards him. He went to stand and salute but Hackett waved him down and stopped on the other side of Shepard's bed. Hackett looked tired. Joker couldn't imagine the load he was carrying, he was one of only half a dozen Alliance leaders left and with the parliament gone a lot of the recovery work was left to him. Coms were constantly open and Joker had heard numerous requests for Hackett to make decisions about the future of the survivors, the future of the human race. He was a little pleased that the admiral had to do what Shepard had done, make decisions well above her pay grade for everyone in the galaxy.

'How is she doing?' Hackett looked from Shepard to Joker.

Joker hadn't seen or heard from Hackett since the fleet came back. Chakwas had sent reports but there had been no response, no thank you for the Normandy crew jumping in to help. He was a little disappointed, but he knew Hackett had more important things to do than visit the woman who had saved them all.

'Chakwas is happy with her progress, she thinks they'll be able to bring her out of the coma sooner rather than later.'

'That's good, we're going to need her.'

'You're …' Joker saw red as he slowly got to his feet and glared at the man across the bed. 'You're going to need her! Hasn't she fucking done enough! She's given everything she got; she's died, five times now. She's had to put up with ridicule, been treated like a common criminal, had stuff dumped on her shoulders that should never have been her load to bear. She's had to make decisions that have nearly destroyed her and you want more.'

'Lieutenant …' Hackett started.

'How can you ask that of her? She's deserved a fucking break, some rest and quiet, time to heal and recover. How dare you expect more!'

'Lieutenant, stand down!' Hackett's raised voice gave Joker pause. 'She is an Alliance soldier, a Spectre, it's her job. She knows what has to be done, why she's needed to carry on. We have relays not working and before long we'll have races at each others throats. She the only one they respect enough to listen to. She's the only one who can make this work.'

'Bullshit!' Joker leaned threateningly over the bed.

'Remember you're speaking to a superior officer Lieutenant,' Hackett bristled.

'And you remember that you're speaking to the man who has been with her from the start, has stood by her through all of this.' Joker felt a stab of pain, 'I was there when she died and when she came back. I'm the man who's held her when she cried, when she's been heartbroken over a decision she's made and someone has died. I'm the one who had to pick up the pieces when she broke, when she was defeated and desperate, when she felt like she was alone. You put her in a position that would have been impossible for anyone to bear. I'm the one who helped her get through it.'

'You seem to forget that you're an Alliance soldier too, you can be posted elsewhere, the Normandy put under someone elses command with another pilot.'

'I'm going to fucking pretend I didn't hear that,' the venom in his voice made Hackett flinch. 'This Normandy has always been Shepard's ship, it was built for her by Cerberus, she brought it back to the Alliance to help with the war. Just try and take it away from her.' Joker paused for breath and glared at the admiral, 'and I might be an Alliance soldier but you have to remember one thing. I'm Shepard's husband and that gives me more claim over her than you'll ever have.'

'Enough!'

Both men turned to face Dr Chakwas who was standing by the door, her eyes ablaze and her lips pale and tight. Behind her was a woman Joker was both relieved and a little distressed to see considering his behaviour moments before. Together the two women walked towards them.

'We could hear you yelling outside,' Chakwas moved to check Shepard's monitors. 'If you can't behave like rational adults I'll order you to leave.'

Joker hung his head in shame and saw Hackett shift in embarrassment under Chakwas' stare. Joker was surprised as he was pulled into a hug and he found himself shaking with emotion. He wasn't sure if it was relief or anger.

'Jeff,' Hannah Shepard pulled back and met his eyes. 'It's good to see you.' She stepped back and looked down at her daughter, gently touching her hand before glancing from Joker to Hackett with tears in her eyes. 'Now, does one of you mind telling me why you were both behaving like two men on the end of a tug of war rope, with my daughter in the middle?'

Joker watched as Hackett slumped, let out a sigh and ran his hands through his hair. Chakwas pulled up a chair and he dropped into it, burying his face in his hands.

'Steven,' Hannah looked at him with mild amusement. 'I know you promised Andrew you'd take care of his little girl but I doubt this is what he meant.'

Joker glanced at the admiral in surprise. He'd known Shepard's father, known him well if he'd promised to take care of his daughter.

'Of course it wasn't,' Hackett sat back and looked at Joker, 'I'm sorry Joker, I should never have taken my frustrations out on you.'

'Yeah, I probably shouldn't have yelled at an admiral either, being my superior and all.'

'No, you had every right,' Hackett chuckled. 'You're right, you have been by her side through all of this, you've seen the good and the bad and she couldn't have asked for anyone better to stand beside her.'

Joker was a little shocked to receive that kind of praise and he felt Hannah run her hand up and down his back.

'What's going on, Steven?' Hannah took the chair Chakwas offered and sat down, indicating Joker should do the same.

'There's just so much to deal with, it's overwhelming at times. I guess I was looking for someone to take the load off my shoulders.' He chuckled but there was no humour in it. 'I've got so used to having Shepard there to help me out … I miss her.' He looked up at her face and Joker could see he was fighting back emotion.

'She's still here,' Hannah reminded him and sighed. 'She might not be able to help but we can.' She reached out, took Joker's hand, and gently squeezed it. 'What do you need?'

Joker felt the pressure on his hand and returned it as he reached up and gently took his wife's hand. He was connected to two of the strongest women he knew and there was strength in that for him. The medbay door opened and Kaidan walked in before stopping and looking at them in surprise, behind him Garrus almost crashed into him.

'Sorry, we were just coming to see how Shepard was doing,' they both turned to leave.

'Major, Garrus,' Hackett called them over. 'You may as well take a seat and join us.'

Both men looked at each other before nodding and taking a seat on an empty bed. Joker glanced at the people around him, this was their family and even on her sick bed Shepard was pulling people together, giving them what they needed. He allowed himself a small smile as he wondered if she was aware of the power she had.


	86. Chapter 86

**** 86 ****

Joker leant on the rail around the docking platform. This was the first time in three weeks he'd been outside the ship, he hadn't felt the need to leave until today. Today they were waking Shepard up. Chakwas had warned him that it might not happen right away, it could still take several days before she was fully alert. She had also told him through moist eyes that there was a slim chance she might not wake up at all, that the trauma might have been too much.

They had no idea what had happened before the Crucible fired and how it could have affected Shepard. Joker couldn't accept it: she had to wake up. The thought of her lying in a bed for the rest of her life, being fed by machines and needing someone to care for her was something he couldn't even consider. The thought of never hearing her voice, not seeing her beautiful eyes, not feeling the touch of her hand made the walls close in around him and he needed space to clear his head.

He lifted his cap and ran his fingers through his hair before glancing up at the ship that had brought them together. The Normandy hadn't moved. Hackett had wanted to move Shepard to a hospital and get the Normandy back in flight but Chakwas had put her foot down and refused. She informed him in no uncertain terms that Shepard needed to stay somewhere familiar with people she knew. She also pointed out that the Normandy wouldn't fly without her pilot who would be by Shepard's side. She could be quite persuasive when she was angry.

There wasn't really a lot they could do anyway, other than move people around or deliver supplies and the shuttles were better for that. The SR-2 didn't have the same manoeuvrability as the SR-1 in atmosphere so heading to Earth wasn't a good option, although he was perfectly capable of flying her wherever she needed to go, even without EDI. Hackett had given him the task of co-ordinating with Bailey about what was needed on the Citadel and the Alliance ships that could either offer assistance or needed it. He'd balked and tried to convince Hackett there was someone better for the job but Hackett wouldn't have it.

He stared into the darkness of space visible through the barrier. He was in a position he never wanted to be in, never thought he'd be in. He was giving orders to ship captains and those above his rank who happily accepted them. His task had grown to include other species as well. The war room had become a hub for keeping track of ships and their requirements. Those ships still space worthy were simply being used as docking platforms, the war was over, there was no current need for warships. They, like the Normandy, would be useful once the relays were functioning again. They needed the relays functioning, things would become very strained very fast if they didn't. He glanced over his shoulder as footsteps approached.

'How are you doing, Joker,' Garrus leant beside him on the railing.

'I'm good.'

'Do we know how long?'

'No, not long now though I think.'

They stood silently and looked out across the Citadel. This was the place where they had come together, it was the place that had bound their lives into an adventure that neither expected.

'Did you ever think we'd be here?' Garrus sighed and Joker chuckled.

'What, you mean destroying giant cuttlefish monsters that wanted to annihilate us all. Wasn't exactly what I wanted to do when I was a kid.'

'Not my life plan either,' there was a rumble in his chest that Joker recognised as a suppressed laugh. 'Becoming the turian inter species liaison officer never even entered my mind.'

'Yeah, like I wanted to be a glorified supply officer,' Joker scoffed.

'You're much more than that and you know it,' Garrus glanced at him. 'Stopping that altercation between the quarians and Captain Anders was nice work, it could have escalated into something much worse.'

'He was an ass, threatened to have me thrown in the brig if I didn't stand down. He's probably reported me to Hackett but what was I supposed to do? We don't know if the geth can be woken up and we don't have the right to start pulling their ships apart until we do.' He grinned before continuing, 'I don't think Anders expected the quarians to defend the geth.'

'Yeah, that's not something you see every day.' Garrus nodded and for a while they went back to a comfortable silence.

'This place is coming together faster than we expected,' Joker looked out to where the barrier ended, it had moved out further yesterday, that was the third move in as many weeks.

'Yeah, the keepers are certainly working fast. It's scary.'

'Especially when the arms move without warning,' Joker chuckled. 'At least Steve's not complaining about the Normandy being used as a thoroughfare since the docks re-opened.'

'That was a bit of a surprise,' Garrus agreed. 'I think we expected a bit longer than five days before that happened, certainly sent a panic through those still on the Citadel.'

Both knew that the five hundred thousand remaining was a far cry from the millions it used to be but it was still a large number of people to manage with limited supplies and resources, especially when panic set in.

'Bailey sent men into the tunnels to try and find out where all these keepers are coming from, they got lost and wandered around in circles until a keeper led them out.' Garrus shook his head, 'where the resources are coming from is also a mystery. Guess we'll never know.'

'Maybe there's some huge machine deep inside the Citadel just pumping them out,' Joker laughed.

'It's creepy the way they fix stuff or bring stuff.' Garrus turned and leaned on his elbows. 'Bailey mentioned we needed water, food and dextro supplies and the next day the plumbing was back on and supplies turned up on the docks. It was enough that we don't have to completely evacuate the Citadel for a while at least as long as we ration it.'

'I guess it takes the pressure off getting supplies up from Earth. Hackett didn't believe me when I told him we had dextro food to spare.' He spun to lean his elbows on the rail and looked out at the crowd of people that had made themselves at home on the dock. 'All we have to do now is get these people to move into housing.'

'Yeah, they don't seem in a hurry to leave,' Garrus nodded. 'They're not in the way though, and have you seen the messages and small gifts that have been left for Shepard on the barricade.'

'I know, even with their limited resources they're still doing it. Maybe they think their thoughts will help Shepard heal,' Joker shrugged, 'who am I to say they won't.'

'Bailey wants to move them forcibly but Hackett suggested he wait, they're not hurting anything and they don't need any more trauma right now. Bailey wasn't happy about it but he's letting them be for now.

A small boy hovered by the checkpoint, his eyes darting from the Normandy to Joker as he nervously switched from one foot to the other, a battered teddy bear in his hand. Joker smiled and pulled himself off the rail.

'Hey there,' Joker stepped through the checkpoint and moved to the side, bending down so he was at eye level with the child. 'What's your name?'

'Joshua,' the child's eyes were wide and Joker chuckled.

'I'm Joker,' he held out his hand and the boy hesitated before accepting the handshake.

'That's a funny name,' Joshua frowned and Joker laughed.

'Yes it is. How old are you Joshua?'

'I'm eight,' he pulled his shoulders up, 'mum says I'm the man of the house now until dad comes back.'

'I'm sure you're doing a really good job of looking after your mum.'

'Do you know Commander Shepard?' Joshua looked from Joker to the Normandy.

'Yes I do,' Joker nodded and Joshua's eyebrows disappeared under his unkempt hair before dropping into a frown.

'Mum says she really sick.'

Joker swallowed hard, 'yes she is, but she's going to get better.'

Joshua thought for a moment before holding up his battered bear. 'Can you give her this, it might help her to feel better.' The boy's bottom lip trembled and Joker forced down the lump in his throat as he realised the boy was giving him his most prized possession.

'I'm so sorry,' a woman rushed up behind Joshua and was about to grab his hand but Joker stopped her with a shake of his head.

'I tell you what,' he took the bear that Joshua offered and brushed some dirt off its face. 'How about you hang on to this, you might need it to help look after your mum. If you don't need it and Commander Shepard is still sick you can give it to her then, okay.' He handed the bear back and Joshua nodded solemnly.

Behind him Joshua's mother put her hand to her mouth and Joker could see tears building. There was pride in her eyes though and Joker smiled at her. She nodded put her hand on Joshua's shoulder.

'Joshua, you shouldn't bother the nice man.'

'I'm not bothering Joker,' Joshua looked up at her before looking back to Joker, 'am I?'

'No, of course not,' Joker ruffled the boy's hair and received an exasperated sigh in return.

'Are you a soldier?' Joshua looked him up and down and his eyes lingered on Joker's cap.

'I'm the pilot, I fly the Normandy.'

'Really!' Joker had just become so much more in the boy's eyes. 'I want to be a pilot, I'm going to join the Alliance!' There was so much conviction in his words that Joker bit back the laugh that wanted to burst free.

'Well, if you work really hard at school you can be a pilot like me.' Joker saw Tali and James walking towards them as Garrus came up behind him and the young boy worriedly stepped back.

'Garrus,' Tali stopped beside him and slapped him on the arm, 'you're scaring him.'

'It's all right, Joshua,' Joker chuckled, 'he's only ugly because he took a rocket to the face, he doesn't bite.' His omnitool beeped and quickly read the message. 'I have to go back to work,' he shook Joshua's hand again, 'I'll be watching for you at flight school.' He stood to attention and saluted.

'Yes, sir,' Joshua gave him a rough salute.

Joker walked back to the Normandy flanked by Garrus and James with Tali slightly in front. He was glad he wasn't alone, he wouldn't be alone when the moment came. He was with family and he really appreciated the support.

As they stepped into the airlock Joker sensed a difference. The ship felt warm, alive. He looked up in confusion; it hadn't felt like that since …

'Where's the VI announcement?' Garrus asked as he stared at the ceiling.

'Yeah, it's annoying but …' James was frowning.

The door slid open and they stepped forward only to come to a surprised halt. They stared open mouthed before Tali reacted.

'EDI!' Tali almost squealed and moved quickly to give her a hug. 'It's so good to have you back.'

'Thank you, Tali. Traynor told me she couldn't have done it without your help so I owe you my life as well.'

'It wasn't the same without you.'

'EDI, you're …' Joker wasn't quite sure what to say.

'I am alive, yes.' There was relief in her voice, she definitely sounded alive.

'Welcome back.' He grinned then frowned. 'Why didn't Traynor tell me she'd succeeded?' He'd hated pulling Traynor off working on EDI to help him reorganise the war room. EDI was important too but Traynor had been the best person for the job.

'I only took back full control ten minutes ago,' EDI moved with them as they headed through the CIC.

'It's nice to have you back, EDI,' Garrus pushed the lift control.

'Jeff, I am sorry to hear about Shepard,' EDI placed her hand gently on his shoulder. 'I am sure she will make a full recovery.'

'Thanks,' Joker nodded as they rounded the corner into the mess.

The mess was crowded. Joker realised he wasn't the only one eager to see Shepard awake, although he was sure no-one had a better reason than him. Hannah walked over and took his hand and he could feel her shaking, he squeezed back gently in support. Most of their extended family was present, even Wrex and Grunt waited patiently. Hackett, Steve, Jack, Kaidan and Miranda stood by the table and he guessed they'd come in by shuttle through the cargo bay. He was a little surprised at Miranda's presence but he wasn't going to send her away. As Kaidan leaned closer and spoke in her ear she smiled softly, she'd changed and it was definitely for the better. They all turned expectantly as the medbay doors opened and Chakwas stepped out, stopping in surprise at the crowd before her.

'I know you're all eager to see Shepard but it could be some time before she's fully awake.'

'I'm assuming we've got coffee,' Hackett looked at the faces around him.

'Yes, sir,' Steve nodded, 'I'll start the pot brewing.'

'Jeff, you and Hannah can come in,' Chakwas chuckled at the disappointed faces. 'I promise, as soon as she's coherent you can visit, one at a time.' There was no doubting the authority in her voice.

Joker walked into the medbay and stood beside Shepard's bed. She looked so peaceful. The burns on her face had completely healed and Chakwas had done an excellent job of minimising the scarring. _Damn, you're beautiful my love._ He took her hand gently as Chakwas fiddled with the monitors and removed unnecessary sensors. Her leg and arm were still immobilised in a medical stasis field, small electrodes sent regular pulses to work the muscles so they didn't atrophy too much. She'd need intensive physio but at least her muscles would be capable of holding weight. He wasn't looking forward to her reaction when she found out she'd need a wheelchair for a while. She'd also need crutches later and Joker was ready and willing to help her learn how to use them.

'I'm going to stop the drugs now,' Chakwas entered commands on her omnitool. 'I can either let her wake naturally or I can counteract the drugs so she wakes faster.'

'Let her wake naturally,' Joker hated the thought of pumping more drugs into her already fragile body. She hated any kind of medication so he guessed she'd rather go without. A hand slipped over his where he held Shepard's and he looked at Hannah who nodded in agreement.

'It could take some time,' Chakwas reminded him.

'How about we see how she goes, if nothing happens we can re-think it,' Hannah suggested.

'You'd better get comfortable then.'

Joker sat, his hand never leaving his wife's as he watched her for some sign that she was coming back to him. Beside him Hannah rested her hand on his arm as they waited. He didn't care how long it took, he wasn't leaving the medbay until he'd seen her gorgeous eyes and hopefully a smile.

Two hours passed. Joker was lost in thought as he felt movement beneath his fingers. Not sure he hadn't imagined it he waited for it to happen again. It was several minutes but there was definitely movement.

'Doc, her fingers moved.'

Chakwas was beside the bed in an instant, checking monitors and taking readings. She frowned and Joker's heart skipped a beat as he feared the worst. Finally she looked up at him and smiled. He let out a loud sigh as Hannah clasped her fingers over her mouth to hold back a sob. Joker put his free arm around her shoulders and she willingly leaned into him.

'Readings are looking good, she's starting to respond.'

It was another hour and half before her leg moved, at first only her toes but it wasn't long before her unbroken leg moved into a bent position. Joker watched as she took several deep breaths and her fingers tensed around his. Suddenly she gasped for breath, her chest heaving as she arced of the bed. Joker stood up in surprise as Chakwas placed her hand on Shepard's shoulder.

'Easy, Shepard,' she spoke softly, as if to a child. 'Slow, deep breaths.'

Slowly Shepard settled and her breathing became more regular but through it all her eyes remained closed. Joker looked worriedly at Chakwas who reached over and patted his hand reassuringly. It was several minutes later Shepard finally opened her eyes. She was confused and scared. Joker could see panic setting in.

'Hey you,' he reached up and gently held her chin so he could turn her eyes towards him. She looked at him strangely before she suddenly seemed to recognise him and her eyes lit up. 'Welcome back.'

He felt her squeeze his fingers as he lightly kissed her forehead, lingering longer than he should, before pulling back to meet her eyes. She glanced around, looking from Chakwas to Hannah and while she appeared to be seeing them Joker had the feeling she was seeing something else as well. He felt her relax as she lay back and closed her eyes.

'She's asleep,' Chakwas checked her readings. 'She may have periods of wakefulness but she won't truly be coherent for several hours yet.'

Joker adjusted his grip on her hand. He wanted to laugh and cry, he wanted to get up and dance, to celebrate. It wasn't time for that yet though, when he celebrated he wanted Shepard to do it with him.

'I think we could do with some coffee and food,' Hannah rubbed his shoulder and surprised him by leaning down and kissing his cheek.

'I'll go and give everyone an update,' Chakwas did a final check and headed out to the mess.

Gently he ran his fingers down her cheeks, marveling at the softness of her skin. He placed a soft kiss on her lips and for the first time since she walked off the ship to go to Earth he allowed himself to relax.

'I love you,' he whispered against her cheek before making himself comfortable in the chair, he had no intention of going anywhere.


	87. Chapter 87

**** 87 ****

A hand on his head brought Joker back to full awareness. A jolt of pain in his neck made him wince as he lifted his head, falling asleep with his head resting on Shepard's bed hadn't been his wisest idea. Realisation made him straighten up fast.

'Hey you.'  It was a whisper but he heard it.

Joker looked up into the eyes of his wife, 'hey yourself.' He rolled his neck as he stood up and kissed her softly.

He glanced at the clock on Chakwas' desk; three hours had passed since the last time she'd opened her eyes. Three times in the last six hours she'd opened her eyes but it was as if she was somewhere else. She'd even had odd conversations and he got the impression she wasn't talking to anyone physically in the room. She'd looked at him but he didn't think she'd really seen him. This time she seemed more coherent. He looked out through the windows to the mess to find everyone was still there. Omnitools were visible and Hackett was talking to someone through his communicator. He looked back at Shepard, taking in the paleness of her skin and the darkness around her eyes, but those eyes were clear. He ran his hand across her hair, brushing stray strands off her face.

'I've missed you,' he smiled and she frowned at him. 'You've been in a coma for three weeks.'

'I can't …' she looked around in panic and tried to sit up. She looked down at her arm and leg, which were still in a stasis field, before looking back at him and there was fear in her eyes.

'Hey,' he cupped her face gently. 'It's okay, you were pulled out of the rubble on the Citadel. You destroyed the Reapers, Ari. The war is over.'

She stared at him for a moment before tears rolled down her cheeks and she broke into sobs. He carefully slipped his arms around her and held her while she cried. The door opened and Chakwas entered with Hannah beside her. They both stopped in surprise before moving quickly to Joker's side. Chakwas checked the monitors as Hannah took her daughter's hand. Shepard lifted her head, her sobs subsiding as Joker wiped her tears away.

'Mum.'

Her voice was weak but it was a relief to hear it. Joker stepped back so Hannah could hug her daughter. As she let go Hannah ran her hand down Joker's arm and looked at Ari with tears in her eyes.

'I'll go and let everyone know you're awake,' she squeezed Joker's hand before heading for the door.

'It's good to have you back, Shepard,' Chakwas offered her a drink and she took it eagerly. Joker didn't miss the moisture in the doctor's eyes.

'What …' Shepard swallowed hard as if it hurt to talk.

'Broken bones, severe burns and lots of bruises,' Chakwas was concise. 'The bones we fixed with surgery, the burns we healed where we could and cloned skin where we couldn't. The medigel has healed most of your injuries but the bones will take some time to heal, especially your leg. If you want details I can give them to you.'

Shepard was already pale but her skin turned grey as she realised this wasn't something she was going to bounce back from overnight. This was going to be a long, frustrating haul and she wasn't one who liked to sit still.

'You've got a lot of people worried about you. Are you up for visitors?' Chakwas removed sensors and moved equipment away.

Joker went to object, she'd only just woken up and she shouldn't be overwhelmed yet. He felt her take his hand as she nodded quietly.

'Don't worry, one at a time and minutes only,' Chakwas looked at Joker and he knew he'd get the lecture later for not trusting her judgement.

Joker stood by the head of her bed, his hand resting on her shoulder as one by one their friends and the closest they had to family filed through the medbay. Shepard was quiet as they all made it quite clear how glad they were to see her awake. Joker could see emotion getting the better of her, especially when EDI stood by her side. Garrus was the last to enter, he paused at the door before moving closer.

'Shepard,' he hesitated and the trepidation in his voice surprised Joker. 'I'm sorry. I should have stayed with you, gone through the beam. I let you do that alone and you deserve so much more than that.'

'Garrus,' she reached for his hand, the weakness in her arm obvious and he quickly took hers and rested their joined hands on the bed. 'We're alive, it's over. That's all that matters.' She sighed and closed her eyes. 'It's over.'

Joker kissed her forehead as she dropped back into sleep. He felt Garrus' hand on his shoulder and he gripped it with his own.

'I'm here if you need me,' Garrus told him with a tremor in his voice. 'You should probably take a break, get some food, take a shower.'

'Is that your way of telling me I stink,' Joker frowned at him before chuckling.

'Well, we turians do have a heightened sense of smell,' Garrus shrugged.

'Thanks Garrus,' Joker hugged the turian who hesitated before returning the embrace.

'You really do need a shower,' Garrus scrunched his face up and Joker laughed.

'All right, I'll be back as quick as I can. Hopefully she'll wake up more often now and stay awake for longer.'

'I'll be here if she wakes,' Garrus took Joker's vacated seat.

Joker nodded and left the medbay, his step lighter than it had been for days. It was only a matter of time now before she was back on her feet, before they could start to rebuild their lives.

* * *

He knew he shouldn't be but he was frustrated with Shepard. It was as if she believed the whole galaxy was against her. He could understand her need to be back on her feet, to be involved, to feel like herself. But that didn't stop him from being frustrated with her. Joker sighed as he approached the medbay, last time he'd been here Shepard had been yelling at him to leave her alone. He knew she didn't mean it but it still hurt.

She'd been awake for two weeks now and as much as she acted normal Joker could see an underlying fear in her eyes when she was tired. And her nightmares were back. He had pretty much moved into the medbay with her, at least down here she had company and people dropped in to visit, and he'd woken several times to her crying or shouting at someone or something to get away. She had no recollection of waking prior to two weeks ago when she was truly aware. The last thing she remembered was firing the Crucible and that haunted her. She hadn't spoken about it and Joker didn't know if she ever would, as much as Hackett wanted a report.

'Shepard, you should thank your lucky stars this didn't happen a hundred years ago!' Chakwas was standing at the foot of Shepard's bed when Joker stepped through the door and stopped at the apparent anger in the doctor's voice. 'Your leg is not ready for you to stand on and I'm not prepared to drop the stasis field again because I know damn well you'll get out of bed, as you just tried to do. You should be grateful I've let you put your arm in a sling but if I see you using it for anything other than physio I will put it back in a stasis field and you can deal with it.' Chakwas took a deep breath and Shepard flinched, 'If you try to get out of this bed, get someone to hack the field or do anything else I consider detrimental to your health I will sedate you. Indefinitely!' She huffed and turned towards the door.

Joker had to stifle a laugh when she grinned and winked at him as she left the medbay. He cleared his throat as he walked towards the bed, fighting to keep a straight face as he looked at his wife pouting. She looked cute, god forbid she ever heard that, but he couldn't stop the grin that broke out as he stopped beside her.

'Not a good idea to get on the doc's bad side,' he sat on the bed and she scowled at him.

'I need to do something, I need to get out of this bed,' she whined and he laughed so she hit him playfully on the arm. 'I'm sorry,' she stroked his arm where she'd just hit it. 'I didn't mean to get angry at you earlier, I'm just bored and frustrated. I can only do so many crosswords or read so many books or watch so many movies.'

'I know, babe, remember who you're talking to,' he leaned forward and cupped her face, claiming her lips and feeling her respond. 'If you agree to use a hover chair you know Chakwas will let you out for a while.' He stroked the side of her face and she leaned into his touch.

'God I miss you,' she sighed and brushed his face with her fingers. 'I feel like an invalid enough as it is, giving in to a hover chair will only make that worse.'

'I know, you don't want to depend on anyone else, you hate the thought of losing your independence, of having to ask for help.'

'I just want to have a shower without someone having to help me,' she waved her good hand in the air.

'I could go back to giving you sponge baths,' he grinned and waggled his eyebrows at her.

'You …' she looked at him open mouthed. 'You gave me sponge baths?'

'Someone had to; you'd stink after three weeks without one.' He laughed at the horrified look on her face. 'Hey, it wasn't that bad, Chakwas was the only other person in the room. She thought you'd be more comfortable with me doing it. Just think, I got to run my hands all over your naked body.'

'It would have been nice to actually enjoy it.' She groaned, 'how did you deal with broken bones all your life, this is driving me nuts.'

'When do you think I learned to play chess, and study maths and astronomy and multiple other things that might come in handy when I finally got to fly? I did, however, agree to use a wheel chair so I could get around, I wasn't lucky enough to get offered a hover chair.'

'I'm being difficult, aren't I?'

'Just a bit,' he held up his fingers a minute distance apart. 'It's okay, my love, we know you need to be active, to be out there helping and it will come. I know you don't want to hear it but you need to be patient, you need to heal.' He carefully reached for her arm and removed it from the sling, 'how about we start with some physio. Your arm is almost fully healed, we just need to build up the muscles again. If you're a good girl Chakwas might let you start some physio on your leg too.' He grinned as she scowled at him but she didn't pull away as he held her arm and she began the series of exercises Chakwas had given her.

They worked quietly for a while, Joker helping her to get it right without making her feel useless or inept. He knew how hard it was to be in her position and he wanted to help her get through it with as little upset as possible.

'I hate being stuck in here, I've never been good at sitting still.' Shepard winced as she applied pressure to the muscles in her arm.

Joker sighed and gently placed her arm on the bed. 'Fine,' he rolled his eyes and gave her an exaggerated sigh. 'I talked to Chakwas and she said if you're willing to take it easy and behave you can help me,' he laughed at the excitement in her eyes, 'from the bed, for now, until you're comfortable in the chair.'

'I guess that's better than nothing,' she agreed with a brilliant, heartfelt smile and Joker was sure the temperature in the room had gone up five degrees. 'When can we start?'

Joker shook his head and reached behind him. 'You can start by reading these reports and getting up to date with what's happening.' He pulled them out of her reach as she went to grab them. 'You have to promise me that if you get tired you'll rest.'

'I promise,' she grinned and grabbed at the datapads eagerly as he handed them over.

'Just so you know, Hackett has asked me to take some supplies and people to Mars so the Normandy will be back in flight sometime in the next couple of days.' He couldn't hide the joy as he thought about being at the helm again. It had only been a few weeks but it seemed like forever since he'd felt the freedom of soaring through space. 'It might get a bit busy around here with the crew back on board and extra guests.'

'That will be nice, someone to talk to,' she placed the datapads on the bed and looked at him. 'You must be itching to fly and I'm sorry you haven't been able too because of me.'

'Hey,' he took her good hand in his, 'it wasn't your fault. There wasn't much we could do, the shuttles could do it better.'

'Yes, but you could have done something, flown somewhere.'

'I was quite happy to be here, with you,' he chuckled as she furrowed her brow at him. 'Okay, I'm looking forward to it.'

'Jeff,' EDI spoke from the ceiling and Joker looked up instinctively.

'Yeah, EDI.'

'I just thought you and the Commander would like to know the Geth have just been re-activated. The Quarian engineers used the code I sent them and it worked.'

He didn't miss the pained look that crossed Shepard's face but it was quickly gone.

'That's great news, EDI. How long before we can use them?'

'They should be fully functional in a few hours. Would you like them to assist with the relay repair.'

'If they're willing.' He watched as Shepard flicked through the reports until she found the latest one on the mass relay. 'I've got teams out searching for the tech and materials the engineers need to fix the rings.'

'I will ask and inform you.'

'You know, I am so proud of you.' He met her gaze as she brushed his face with her free hand, 'I always knew you were capable of command.'

Joker scoffed, 'I'm not so sure. It still feels wrong to be giving orders to ship captains.'

'They know you're doing it on Hackett's behalf, they trust him and they trust you. You're proving you can do it.' She grinned and he frowned at the mischievous look in her eyes, 'I guess you'll be getting those medals along with a promotion so you might have to shave.'

He opened his mouth to argue but EDI cut into the conversation.

'Jeff, Liara has asked me to let you know they found another compound this morning. Hackett has asked for shuttles to collect supplies.'

'Thanks EDI,' he winced at the questioning look from Shepard. He'd been trying to protect her from the worst of the bad news but now she'd want to know.

'What aren't you telling me?' She reached up and gripped his chin as he went to turn away.

'We've had some problems on Earth. A recon team found a compound a couple of days out of Vancouver. When they landed the shuttle it was destroyed and the crew killed.' He heard her intake of breath. 'Long story short, there were about two hundred people living there, the crops were still growing and they had sheds full of supplies. They were all indoctrinated.'

Shepard blanched and Joker shifted beside her, pulling her into his arms and holding her as he continued talking.

'Hackett ordered troops in after a negotiating team was decapitated and sent back with a message that they were waiting for their gods to come and get them. He had no choice but to round them up and lock them away but it didn't get that far. They used their own children as walking bombs and blew them up to keep the soldiers away. An infiltration team went in and managed to tranquilise most of them and they were rounded up and locked in the community hall until medical teams arrived. They blew up the hall from the inside, there were no survivors.'

He felt her shudder and dampness on his shirt told him she was crying. She was still losing control of her emotions sometimes and he knew she hated it.

'Since then we've found several more and every time there have been no survivors. It's like a suicide cult and no amount of persuasion will convince them that the Reapers are dead.' He wanted to stop there, to protect her from the rest of it.

'There's more, isn't there?' Her voice shook but the commander in her wanted the facts.

'Yeah,' he sighed and rubbed her good arm absently as she sucked in a breath. 'Two mercenary ships took out several shuttles before they were taken down. When troops boarded everyone was dead, they vented the ship and suffocated. We can only guess that they were indoctrinated too.'

'How many more,' she sat up with a wince and Joker could see the pain in her eyes. 'Millions died, I almost died and now we're killing our own. How many more before this is really over,' she rubbed her face with her good hand. 'Will this ever really be over or was it all for nothing. What else do I have to do?''

'Hey,' he reached out and turned her face so he could see her eyes, 'this is not your fault. You gave everything you had to save as many as you could. We all know that and we are eternally grateful.'

'It's never enough though is it, there's always going to be someone somewhere who thinks they can rule the world, or the galaxy in this case.'

'You can't save everyone, Ari, you told me that once.' He was relieved when she gave him a weak smile and kissed him.

'Doesn't mean I can't try.' She settled back against his chest and for a few moments they enjoyed each other in silence. 'Was that the end of it?'

He wanted to say yes but knew she'd see through him. 'No, other stuff's been happening. There have been a few riots, the Alliance is copping a lot of flak, some people are blaming them for their predicament. There's a minority group that's claiming the Reapers weren't the big bad bogey men and the Alliance shouldn't have destroyed them.' He felt her mood change but continued on, 'strangely enough the Council is backing the Alliance and supporting your actions.'

'Is there any good news?'

'Yep, I'm here, you're here and we're alive.' He chuckled as she groaned at him, 'and I plan on making the most of that once you're back on your feet.' He nuzzled her neck and she shivered.

'Now that's just mean,' she sighed against his lips as she kissed him.

'No, it's incentive to make you get off your ass faster.'

'You're a horrible, horrible man Mr Moreau.'

'Definitely, and you wouldn't have me any other way, Mrs Moreau.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end now and I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone reading and thanks for leaving kudos, it means a lot to know there are others enjoying this as much as I enjoy writing it.
> 
> The end of ME3 left me depressed and disappointed so this is my way of fixing it, I hope you like my head cannon.


	88. Chapter 88

**** 88 ****

'Board is green, numbers are perfect,' Joker grinned as he spoke to Adams, getting back in his chair had never felt so good and he was eager to be back in flight.

'We're good to go then,' Adams sounded almost as happy as Joker felt.

'Should be a couple of hours to finish loading.' Joker heard the airlock open behind him and turned to see who was boarding.

'Roger that. Just want to double check a couple of pressure seals.'

'Looks like you'll have some help,' Joker smiled as Donnelly and Daniels stepped onto the bridge.

'Aye,' Donnelly chuckled, 'we canna' leave you on your own with our baby.'

'About damn time you got off your lazy ass and got back to work.' Adams was chuckling through the com.

'Hey,' Donnelly protested, 'we spent our honeymoon working I'll have ye know.'

'What?' Joker got to his feet as a beaming Daniels held out her left hand. Joker looked at the ring and pulled her into a hug before shaking Donnelly's hand who pulled him into a brief, manly hug. 'That's great! About time too.'

'What's great and about time?'

Joker looked past the two engineers to see Shepard coming towards them in her hover chair. She'd relented on the chair and Chakwas had relented to the point of allowing an inflated half cast so she could lower her leg. Joker could see the shimmer of the kinetic barrier protecting the cast, if only he'd had something like that. A broken tibia and fibula wouldn't have been so bad, well, easier to handle at least. As for the hover chair, he would have loved racing around in that, having small lifters would have been much more fun than having wheels.

'Wow, you look … amazing,' he stared at her in her dress blues, he always loved her in full uniform, there was something very sexy about it but she didn't normally wear full dress on board.

'Really,' Joker could see the joy in her eyes. 'So, what's great and about time.'

'Ah, we got married, Commander,' Daniels stepped forward hesitantly.

'That is great and about time,' Shepard was beaming and Joker was struck by how much simply getting out of bed had improved her mood. 'I'm really happy for you,' she pulled Daniels into a hug. 'You do know this means you can't serve on the same ship, Alliance regs, remember.'

The disappointment on their faces was heartbreaking. Joker had a horrible feeling that rule was going to bite him in the ass too. His concern must have been obvious because Shepard burst into laughter.

'You should see your faces,' she chortled and Joker leaned on his hip, folded his arms across his chest and glared at her.

'Shepard?'

'Come on, can't you take a joke anymore,' she shook her head with a laugh. 'Since when have the rules applied on this ship? This is my ship and we might be flying Alliance colours right now but I'm a Spectre so I can set my own rules.'

'Thank god,' Donnelly whooshed out a relieved sigh and Daniels dropped her head onto his shoulder. 'I wasn't looking forward to resigning.'

'Wouldn't have happened,' Shepard shook her head and moved aside so they could get past. 'You're both too valuable to lose.'

'Thank you Commander,' Daniels grinned, 'that means a lot.'

Joker was shaking his head as the engineers walked away and Shepard turned back to face him. She looked stunning, there was colour back in her face, her eyes were shining and she looked relaxed and happy. He couldn't ever remember seeing her that way.

'You look beautiful,' he grinned as she looked at him in surprise. 'What, I can't complement my wife.'

He crouched carefully beside her chair and cupped her face, his eyes drinking in the softness of her lips, the colour of her eyes, the way her hair fell across her cheek. He was so glad to have her back it was almost painful and the tightness in his chest made him gasp for breath before he reached up and kissed her passionately. She grinned against his lips but he felt her tongue run along his bottom lip and he allowed her access as the kiss became heated.

'Fuck!' Joker was the first to pull back, before the pressure in his trousers became too much to bear. He rested his forehead against hers as he waited for his racing pulse to slow.

'Yeah,' Shepard whispered, her breath ragged and her hands shaking. 'God I've missed that.'

'You and me both,' Joker met her eyes and his own need was echoed in hers. 'Maybe we could head upstairs, I'm sure we can work around the cast.' Chakwas had given the all clear for Shepard to move back into their quarters under strict instructions to stay off her leg and have someone in the room when she showered, at least for a few days, and Joker was looking forward to that job.

'I'd love to,' Shepard nodded and Joker was about to get up, 'but we can't. We have to go out.'

'What?' Joker pulled back so he could see her fully. 'We're getting ready to leave. The rest of the crew will be on board within the hour.'

'I know, and we're still leaving, but I've been called to a Council meeting and I need you to come with me.' She stroked the side of his face, 'Hackett has insisted that we attend.'

'Fine,' Joker stood up and stepped beside her chair. 'The Council's only been back on the Citadel a day and their already giving orders. Nothing ever changes.'

'Oh, I think some things might, they'll have to offer other races Councillor positions now, how can they not.' Shepard moved forward, using her weak hand to reach for his as they moved into the airlock, her good hand was busy on the chair controls.

'This is the Council we're talking about,' Joker scoffed. 'You might have saved their asses, and everyone else's but don't expect them to thank you for it. Besides, they're probably only calling this meeting so everyone knows who's still in charge.' She rolled her eyes at his cynicism but didn't disagree.

They stepped onto the dock and Joker heard Shepard gasp. He suddenly realised that this was her first time off the ship since she'd woken, she hadn't seen the wall of well wishes outside. He felt her squeeze his hand as she stopped and looked at the collection of messages, gifts and other things that people had left just for her. Joker could see the tears in her eyes as she read the messages of thanks and hope. She released his hand and slowly moved along the wall as those people still living just outside began to gather and whispers grew.

Joker was a little concerned that they might be overwhelmed and the two C-sec guards must have thought the same as they moved to put themselves between Shepard and the crowd. A commotion towards the back of the crowd made him reach for Shepard, to pull her back behind the barricade but his fears were unfounded as Bailey, Garrus and James walked towards them. She turned from the wall, closing her eyes for a moment and he could see she was fighting to get her commander persona in place.

'Lola,' James grinned at her, 'didn't think you were ever going to get out of that bed.'

'I can still kick your ass,' Shepard shook her head at him, her emotions under control now. 'Garrus,' she grinned up at the turian, 'I've been hearing good things about you.'

'All lies, Shepard, all lies,' he bent down and hugged her. 'It is good to see you up though.'

'Shepard,' Bailey was grinning as he moved to stand beside her, 'nice to see you up and around.'

'Bailey,' she smiled and shook the hand of the man who had become her friend. 'I hear you're doing good things out here too.'

'Someone had to,' he shrugged and looked at the crowd of people. 'Unfortunately that means sometimes I have to do unpleasant things too. The Council wants the dock cleared, I have to force these people away.'

'Maybe I can help with that,' she moved her chair towards the crowd and Joker instinctively moved to her side, Garrus and James doing the same.

The crowd closed in cautiously but Shepard reached out and touched the hands of those closest to her. The awe on their faces was priceless and Joker grinned as he watched her weave her magic. She thanked each of them as individuals, asked about their families and suggested gently that they deserved better than living on the docks in makeshift housing.

Joker noticed that Joshua was standing back, hugging his bear, his mother was nowhere in sight and he moved towards the boy in concern.

'Hey, Josh, where's your mum?' Joker crouched down so he was at eye level.

'She's in the shelter, she won't stop crying,' Joshua looked like he was about to burst into tears.

'Why? What's wrong?'

'We haven't found my dad.' His bottom lip trembled. 'I've been looking after her but she doesn't want to come out and she won't talk to me.'

'Did your mum check the list of names, to see if your dad's on there?' Joker glanced at Shepard who had moved closer.

'What list?' Joshua frowned at him.

Joker had a horrible feeling these people had been overlooked. 'Josh, I want you to meet someone,' he took his hand and turned to Shepard. 'Joshua, this is Commander Shepard.'

Joshua's eyes widened in surprise as Shepard held out her hand, 'Hello Joshua, it's nice to meet you.'

Joker turned away and spoke to Traynor on the com before standing up and addressing the crowd around them.

'Have any of you been asked for your names and details so you can be added to the list of survivors, so you can find your loved ones and they can find you?' He sighed as the response came back negative.

'Damn,' he heard Bailey curse softly as he too realised they'd forgotten about these people.

'I want you all to give Traynor here your names and details,' he motioned to Traynor who had joined them, she handed him something which he pushed into his pocket and nodded his thanks.

The crowd started to surge forward but Bailey held up his hands to slow them down. Joker went to take Joshua's hand, his other hand was still in Shepard's and he was reluctant to let go. Shepard met Joker's eyes and he nodded.

'Josh, how about I carry your bear and we go see your mum.' Joshua nodded and eagerly handed the bear over to Joker as he moved forward, Shepard followed with Joshua walking between them, hanging on tightly to their hands. 'What's your mum's name?'

'Alice,' Joshua glanced up at him, 'like Alice in Wonderland.'

Joker looked at the blankets that made up a rudimentary shelter and crouched down beneath it to see Alice curled up on another collection of blankets. He glanced around at the other shelters and was a little sickened to think that these people had been here all this time and no-one had thought to help them. He should have thought about it earlier and felt guilty that he hadn't, but he could do something now.

'Alice,' Joker reached in cautiously and placed his hand on her shoulder. He was surprised when she turned to look at him. 'I'm here to help but I need you to get up.'

She hesitated but slowly pulled herself into a sitting position. Her hair was matted and her face was puffy and red and there was no spark of life in her eyes. She'd given up. Anger washed over Joker, she had a son to care for and he needed her desperately.

'Joshua tells me you won't come out,' there was a flash of guilt and Joker was glad to see it. 'He needs you to take care of him and you need to be his mum.'

'I can't, I don't know what to do, where to go,' she trembled and Joker reached for her hand.

'How about we start with your full names, your husband and daughter's names and where you lived.' Joker brought up his omnitool as they stood up and typed in her name as she gave it to him. He ran a search and while they waited he introduced Alice to Shepard.

'Commander Shepard,' Alice ran her hands over her hair and brushed off her clothing and Joker was relieved that there was still some sense of pride there. 'I … it's an honour to meet you.'

'You too Alice,' Shepard held her hand, 'you have a wonderful son.'

Joker's omnitool beeped and he grinned as he looked from Alice to Joshua, 'Dr David Anthony Wilkins, Neurologist. Is that your husband?'

'Yes,' Alice whispered, nodding as tears ran down her cheeks.

'He's alive, on Earth with your daughter.' James rushed over to catch her as she almost collapsed.

'Mum!' Joshua was quickly by her side and she pulled him into a hug, sobbing into his shoulder.

Joker gave them a moment before crouching before Joshua. 'Josh, we're going to put you and your mum on a shuttle so you can go to your dad and sister. I need you to look after her until you get there, can you do that.' Joker pushed down thoughts of his own sister and father, now wasn't the time.

Joshua nodded emphatically and brushed away his tears. Joker hugged him and pulled something from his pocket.

'I want you to have this,' he placed an Alliance cap on his head and Joshua gasped. 'I expect to see you in flight school one day.' Joker chuckled as he handed him back to his mother and Bailey came forward.

'I'll take care of them,' he put his hand on Joker's shoulder. 'I can't believe we left these people without help for so long.'

'They slipped through the cracks, we saw them but we didn't.' Joker turned and shook his hand, 'thanks Bailey, can you give them a decent meal and clean them up a little.'

'Sure,' he crouched down to speak with Joshua, 'hey little man, you want to help me get your things.'

Joshua nodded, his hand holding his cap tight on his head, his other hand clasping his bear as he led Bailey into their meagre abode. Joker felt Shepard take his hand and he turned to see her looking at him with so much pride and love he gasped for breath.

'I love you,' she pulled him down for a kiss. 'You are such a wonderful man and I can't believe I'm so lucky.'

'Careful, Lola, his head will get bigger than it already is,' James clapped him gently on the back. 'Nice job.'

Joker was a little confused. All he'd done was righted a wrong and made someone else's life a little better, helped where he could and solved a problem. He hadn't done anything special, anything Shepard wouldn't have done. He looked at James and Garrus who were smirking and watching him, waiting. Shepard chuckled and suddenly it dawned on him, it was exactly what Shepard would have done, she would have helped the weak, offered protection.

'He gets it now,' James laughed.

'Welcome to the ground team, Joker,' Garrus patted his shoulder and Joker got the impression he was offering sympathy. 'Now, let's get to this meeting before the Council has the galaxy going to war over something as simple as the colour of the new Presidium. Personally I like blue.'

'I don't know,' Shepard grinned, 'it can get quite heated in there so maybe red's a better colour.'

'Only when you're there, Shepard,' Garrus laughed and she scowled at him.

'Guess we're in for a show then,' James joined in as they stepped into the elevator. 'Looking forward to it Lola.'


	89. Chapter 89

**** 89 ****

Joker looked around in awe. He'd never actually set foot in the Council chamber, he'd only ever seen it through vid feeds, but this was nothing like he remembered.

'Wow,' beside him Shepard looked around in wonder. 'This is different.'

'Yeah,' Garrus chuckled, 'looks like the keepers made some changes here too.

The door they'd entered through was at the bottom of an amphitheatre. The raised dais where the Council had stood, apart from and metaphorically above everyone else, was gone. In its place was a slightly elevated platform in the centre of the room. There was a viewing platform around the top of the room, below that were several levels of desks and seating. It reminded him of the pictures he'd seen of human parliament rooms or a Roman forum. As he looked around he could see plaques on the desks for each species in the galaxy. He was pretty sure the current Council had nothing to do with that. Over their heads a glass dome let in the light from the galaxy outside, as if to remind everyone that the decision made in this room affected everyone out there.

'This should be interesting,' Shepard smirked as she moved her chair to a space at the end of the bottom two rows that were seating only.

Joker looked along the row of seating and noticed name tags, his was second in line beside Shepard. Alongside him were Hackett then Hannah Shepard and a few other human names he didn't recognise. On the second row the names of the Normandy crew appeared, from both incarnations of the ship, including EDI's name which surprised him. As an AI she had no legal standing. Across the aisle he saw Primarch Victus, Garrus and several other turians take their places. Behind them were asari and salarians.

He glanced up to the tabled area and was surprised to see Wrex nodding at him with Grunt and another krogan beside him. There were quarian, volus, drell, hanar, elcor, batarian and geth present. He looked again at the hanar delegation, was that …? He felt Shepard turn to look at what had got his attention and she chuckled. He glanced at her and she shook her head, no-one would be that stupid, surely, to have a movie star as an ambassador. Stranger things had happened. It was a true galactic gathering, especially when he caught sight of a rachni in the shadows at the top of the room. He felt someone sit beside him and turned to see Hackett taking in the room around them.

'This is new,' Hackett chuckled.

Silence fell as a door behind the raised platform opened and the Council stepped through. From the sudden halt and surprised looks on their faces Joker guessed they weren't expecting this either. They glanced around and were obviously not happy about having so many present. Tevos recovered quickly and moved to the centre of the platform, seemingly confused by the lack of consoles. She was about to speak when a keeper entered and settled itself in the corner quietly.

'This is … unexpected,' Tevos started and beside her Sparatus and Valern nodded. 'However, we have called this meeting to …'

'I'm sorry, councillor,' Sparatus looked out at the crowd in confusion, 'we did not call everyone in this room. Why are you here?' The acoustics in the room were perfect and his disdain was clearly evident.

There was confused and concerned conversation but everyone seemed to have got the same message and assumed it was from the Council. In the corner the keeper fidgeted and all eyes were drawn to it. There were a few moments of silence but the keeper made no sound so the focus returned to the Council. Joker had a feeling the Council wasn't in control as much as they thought they were.

'We should continue,' Tevos spoke again. 'We called this meeting to discuss with Admiral Hackett and the human representatives how to aid the remaining races to survive until the Mass Relay is functioning again.'

'If it concerns our survival then we all have a right to be here,' Wrex boomed across the hall and there were muttered agreements.

'We will take into consideration the requirements of every species,' Tevos, ever the diplomat spoke calmly.

'Yeah, but I bet you take into consideration the asari first,' Wrex shouted down at her and his feelings were echoed around the room. Word of the asari secret had spread quickly once the war was over and many people resented their blatant disregard for anyone but themselves.

'Then the turians,' someone shouted.

'Then the salarians,' someone else added.

'When do we get a say in the decisions that affect us all?' Wrex was standing now.

'The krogan have always been quick to anger,' Valern snorted, 'nothing has changed.'

'This krogan saved several salarian asses with my anger,' Wrex leaned so hard on the table Joker thought it might break under the weight.

'There is no need for racial arguments,' Tevos tried to get back control.

'There is if you don't let us have a say in Council decisions,' a batarian spoke up and several other voices agreed.

'It's about time we all had a say,' someone yelled from the back of the room.

Arguments broke out and Tevos tried her best to quiet things down, Sparatus just threatened to have everyone ejected from the room, which only added to the frustration and anger. Voices got louder and more and more people got to their feet, determined to have their say.

A shot rang out and everyone ducked for cover. Joker simply chuckled as Shepard tucked her pistol back into her seat.

'Enough!' She moved into the centre of the room and spun her chair slowly, taking in everyone in the room, meeting shameful eyes. 'Nothing ever changes, does it?' She turned to the Councillors, 'how much longer are you going to wait before you admit you were wrong, that you ignored evidence for over three years, longer for some.' She paused and looked directly at Tevos who looked away hurriedly. 'That you could have been better prepared.' The Councillors shuffled uncomfortably as she turned away and faced the room.

'How many more wars must we fight before you realise we all live in the same galaxy. What will it take to make you see that we are stronger together, that we need to recognise each other's needs alongside our own.' She dropped her head and sighed before looking up and meeting Joker's eyes. 'Will the Normandy crews please come forward, all of you.'

There was noise and confusion, especially when Wrex stood on someone's toes, as one by one the past and present crews lined up behind her. Joker looked along the line; it was an impressive line-up. He stood proudly at its centre, directly behind Shepard.

She slowly worked her way along the line smiling proudly as reached the end. 'These are the people that fought to save your lives from the beginning, to save your worlds, to stop the Reapers when everyone else dismissed them.' She looked pointedly at Sparatus who refused to meet her eyes.

'You can add to these Mordin Solus, a salarian who sacrificed himself to save the krogan, Thane Krios, a drell who gave his life defending the salarian councillor, Legion, a geth who sacrificed himself for his people and he was definitely an individual when he did it.' She paused and looked at Primarch Victus, 'People like Lieutenant Tarquin Victus who gave his life to keep the peace between the turian and the krogan because he knew it was the only way we could win this war. People like Richard Jenkins and Ashley Williams who died defeating Saren when this whole thing started. People like David Anderson who died trying to activate the Crucible. Also every single person who died fighting for a peaceful future on an alien world with others that weren't their kind beside them.' She stopped and looked directly at Joker, 'I couldn't have done it without any of them.' Facing forward again she raised her arms to indicate the crew behind her. 'Look at these people behind me and tell me what you see.' '

She looked out at the crowd and took her time, slowly meeting the eyes of those in the room. She was waiting and it wasn't long before a voice spoke up.

'I see a crew joined by friendship, honour and pride. I see people who were willing to die to do what had to be done.' Primarch Victus got to his feet and addressed the audience as he came to stand beside Shepard. 'I see not just humans but turian, krogan, asari, quarian, geth, salarian, drell, an AI and a prothean. I see unity and understanding. I see a possible future where we stand side by side, accept our differences but learn from them, use them to better each other.' He stopped and looked at Shepard. 'I see someone who can lead us into that future, not as a politician but as our guardian, someone to keep our path true.'

Joker felt nothing but pride for the woman he loved but he had a feeling he wouldn't like what was coming. He saw Shepard frown and guessed she didn't either. He glanced across at Hackett who was grinning like a Cheshire cat and he had a feeling Shepard had been set up.

'I've already turned down the human Councillor position,' she whispered to Victus and he chuckled. 'I'd probably end up shooting the council.'

'Someone once told me when I was thrust into the role of Primarch that war was my resume, that my people needed a warrior to get them through what was happening.' He glanced warmly at Shepard. 'That was true then and it's even more so now. The galaxy is in turmoil and we need someone to secure its safety, give us the stability we need to rebuild.' He paused, the room was deathly quiet and the hair on Joker's neck stood up.

'Until now the turians, my people, have been the military might of the Council. I propose we change that. I propose we create a new defence force, one that encompasses every race, every species. We know we can fight together, we just did. We don't know what else lies out there, what other threats may come our way. We need a force to protect our struggling planets and colonies from any and all threats, whether it be pirates, natural disasters or new and unknown adversaries. We need an independent force, not tied down by politics or the will of others. I suggest that we make Commander Shepard the leader of that force, that we let her do what she does best, protect us all.'

The uproar was immediate. The entire room was on their feet, banging on desks, cheering. Joker looked around in shock, this he had never expected. From the pale gaping stare on Shepard's face neither had she.

'You have no authority to put forward proposals,' Tevos waved everyone down, trying to put a dampener on his enthusiasm but Victus wasn't giving up.

'Take a look around Councillor,' he raised his hands and turned to encompass the room. 'The old ways will not work any longer. This is how the new Council will be, all species making decisions for the galaxy, equally.' He dropped his arms and stared at Tevos, 'the asari have always thought themselves superior because they were the first to find the Citadel. But the asari also hid the truth from the rest of us, the very thing that could have helped prepare us for this war, could have helped us save lives. Your people lost the right to that superiority the moment the truth came out. Accept the new order, Councillor, or step aside.'

The room erupted again as everyone yelled in agreement. Joker was dumfounded and so was Shepard. The crew were cheering along with everyone else but Joker couldn't bring himself to join in. He felt a hand grip his and looked down to see Shepard looking up at him, she was trembling and he saw doubt in her eyes. He crouched down, oblivious to the noise around them, took both her hands in his and met her eyes.

'Is this what you want?'

'I …' she looked at the room around them before sighing and meeting his gaze. 'I don't know.' She tightened her grip on his hands. 'I do know I can't do this without you by my side, so, is this what you want.'

Joker dropped his head. Was it? He'd hoped for a rest, maybe a bit of quiet so they could build their life together. But he was a realist. He knew Shepard would never be happy sitting still, she would never be satisfied on the ground and she would definitely hate not being in control of their protection and safety. There were still probable threats out there, Leviathan, possibly others, he wouldn't be happy either if they weren't involved in making sure the galaxy stayed safe. He'd joined the Alliance to protect and help those who can't protect or help themselves, along with the flying of course. This was just a little bigger. He huffed and realised neither of them would be happy if they weren't out flying on the Normandy, taking on whatever came their way. He lifted his head and looked into her moist eyes and knew, whatever they did as long as they did it together he would be happy.

'As long as you're by my side I'll be happy,' he reached up and wiped away a tear that had escaped. 'I'll stand by whatever you decide and I'll always be there for you.' He smirked and her brow furrowed, 'we both know you won't be happy if you're not in control.'

She gave a half laugh, half sob as she pulled him into her arms, tilting her chair as she fought to get closer. Joker wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply, ignoring the catcalls and whistles from the crew.

'I need to stand up,' she spoke softly and he looked at her worriedly. 'Please, I need to do this on my feet.'

Joker nodded and waved James over. Together they helped her up and supported her weight, Joker was thankful James was strong enough to take most of it, as she pulled herself erect while keeping pressure off her leg. A hush fell over the room as she moved to speak.

'I see the future before me,' she smiled and Joker thought his heart would burst at the beauty in it. 'I see a galaxy where together we can build on what we've started here today. But I can't do it alone. I will need every one of you, equally, to help me, to make this work. If I do this - the only way I will do this - is to have every species represented, to have the best of every species, to use the knowledge of every species to create something unique. I believe we can do this, together, and that is the only way it will be done.'

She paused and looked around, lingering on the three Councillors who had to face the new world. 'We have to forget our differences, forget past grudges and forge a new understanding. We also have to do this the right way, we can't have a defence force that doesn't answer to anyone, that in itself is too much of a risk. We need a governing body and the Council needs to be it, as long as they don't tie us down with red tape.' There was a roll of laughter around them.

'What happens if the relays open, what about what the rest of the galaxy wants?' Sparatus looked at her scornfully and Joker understood that he was afraid. He was about to lose everything familiar and he didn't like it. 'What if they want the old ways?'

'Then we give it to them.' Shepard shrugged and the wind went out of the turian's sails. 'I know things out there may have changed and _when_ the relays are working again we'll give them the option. Until then, if what I've said is acceptable, unanimously, then I accept the honour, on the understanding that I won't be sitting behind a desk, I will be actively involved in everything we do.'

The room erupted yet again. A cacophony of noise, of cheers, of fists banging on desks, of emotions and hope. Joker looked out at the multitude of faces, of species and knew their lives had just changed forever. He turned to face his wife and knew she would never truly be his alone, except in the privacy of their bedroom, but he could live with that, he'd lived with it until now. He knew he would be the one she came to at the end of the day, when she needed support, when she had doubts. She looked up at him and he kissed her, resting his head on her forehead as they parted.

'Together, forever and always,' he whispered.

'Forever and always,' she smiled and he was sure there were fireworks going off somewhere.

Joker and James settled her back in her chair and then watched as she worked the room.

'And the magic happens,' James said softly at his side.

'Yep, the magic happens.' Joker repeated, wondering just what their future held but knowing whatever it was they would face it side by side.

* * *

Joker lay on their bed, his arms wrapped around the woman he loved as they relished the feel of their naked bodies against each other. Finally they had some time alone and although he didn't expect it to lead any further than lying together he could still enjoy the feel of her breasts against his chest, her thigh against his.

'Did you hear, the Geth have got com buoys working, we should start getting news from outside the galaxy soon.'

'Yeah, Liara was excited, she's desperate to get her network up and running again. It's even more important than the Prothean ruin on Mars.' He chuckled and felt her smile.

'Once the communications are up we might be able to find out something about your sister and your dad.' He tensed and she hugged him tighter. 'We can go and search for them when the relay opens again.'

Joker wasn't getting his hopes up. When the relays opened there would be more important things to take care of besides his family. He wasn't the only one with missing family and there was no reason for his to take precedence. The last news they'd had was that some survivors had made it off Tiptree, but there were many who didn't. As much as he wanted good news he wasn't expecting it. His thoughts were taking him to dark places and Shepard must have felt it.

'I missed going on the mission today.'

It had frustrated the hell out of her to send James and a team of marines to make sure the Mars base was safe for the scientists and researchers to take up habitation again. Hackett wanted the archives searched for information on the relays but it also provided another living space for those who were willing to move there. The Normandy had carried them there and was now in orbit and he couldn't ignore the thrill of being in space again as the ship gently hummed around them.

'You're supposed to be resting, you'll get back to work soon enough.'

'I promise to take it easy,' she drew circles on his bare chest as she spoke and all thought vanished as blood ran south.

Joker was sure she was reading his mind sometimes. She still needed recovery time and she needed to rest but she was already working on ideas, bouncing her thoughts off him. He loved her for her dedication but it was a heavy load to bear and she hadn't given herself time to get over the last one. He was afraid she was going to overdo it, try to get back into full swing too fast and he didn't really think he could stop her.

'I'm going to hold you to that,' he shifted so he could see her face. 'You watch if I don't and I've got Chakwas on my side.'

'That's just not fair,' she laughed and his heart skipped a beat.

'All's fair in love and making sure you take it easy,' he ran his finger down her jaw and lifted her chin so he could kiss her. He wanted so much more.

'I believe you said you were going to make the most of things when I was back on my feet,' she moved her fingers and circled his nipple making him gasp.

'You're not back on your feet yet,' he reminded her.

'You said we could work around the cast,' she started moving her hand down his abdomen and he sucked in air.

He grabbed her hand and pulled it back to his chest, holding it in his as she laughed at him, 'you're driving me nuts, woman,' he kissed her again and wasn't surprised when her tongue brushed his lips.

'I guess we're going mad together then,' she whispered as she reached up and pulled him in for a deep, lingering kiss that made him forget about his hesitation as he groaned and dropped his hand to her backside, pulling her in tighter where she would definitely feel what she was doing to him.

'I love you,' he spoke into her neck as he kissed his way down.

'I love you,' she tilted her head to allow him access. 'I can't live without you, Jeff,' she muttered hoarsely.

Joker stopped and looked into her eyes that were heavy with emotion and passion, 'you'll never have to.' He cupped her face gently, 'always and forever.' They were the last words spoken as they allowed their needs to take control, consuming them as they gave in to the love that would carry them into and through their future.


	90. Chapter 90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is an epilogue of sorts just to wrap things up, hope you enjoy it.

**** 90 ****

Repairs on the Citadel were almost complete. Joker leant on the rail of the docking bay and looked out along the arms. Only the tips were still dark, the blue sky and atmosphere had been back for a couple of months, they'd even got back into their apartment, and life was returning to normal. It was such a pity that nearly eight months on Earth hadn't had the same result. There were still areas that hadn't been cleared, still people homeless and pockets of resistance were still being found.

Looking out across the Citadel there was a false sense of peace and security, just like it had been before the war. Everything appeared normal, food was available, shops were open and movies were playing. All was right with the world as long as you didn't look past the edges.

'Hey, Joker,' James leant on the railing beside him and his eyes travelled the same line as Joker's. 'Are we ready to go?'

'Yeah, just waiting for the last of the supplies to be loaded and Shepard to arrive, this is the last meeting with the Council before the new defence charter is legalised. Hope it's going well, for their sakes.'

'I think they know by now not to piss Shepard off,' James chuckled. 'Do you think this relay test will work?'

'Let's hope so, if it doesn't things might get tenser than they already are.' Joker dropped his head before turning to look at James, 'I don't know how much longer Wrex can keep the krogans under control, he had to fight for the right to lead last week. We're just lucky he's the strongest one here, can you imagine if one of the others took control. We'd have another krogan rebellion on our hands.'

'Yeah, Hackett wasn't happy when Wrex asked for the Luna training facility but he gave it to him just to get the krogan off Earth.' James sighed and ran his hands through his hair, 'can't say I blame them for being antsy.'

'Trouble is, we don't know that it's any better out there. What's left beyond the relay?' Joker bit back the urge to say who is left, it was too painful.

Communications hadn't come back up like they hoped so there was only garbled information coming in and by the time they got whatever they could from it things would be different because of the time lag. Quick travel and communication was taken for granted and it was their downfall. The start-up of the relay in eight hours had everyone holding their breath.

Joker spun and put both elbows on the rail taking in the sight of six marines and their gear, all of them staring open mouthed at his ship. 'New guys?' He chuckled at their excitement.

'Yeah, my new command, first off world posting for them. They didn't know they would be joining the Normandy but they've earned it.' James matched his relaxed lean on the railing. 'Have to say I'm a little nervous.'

Joker patted the new N7 badge on his chest, 'you learned from the best and became one of the best. What's to be nervous about? You've earned it.'

'With a little help from Shepard, getting my training fast tracked was a bonus.'

'Don't sell yourself short,' Joker frowned at him, 'I heard about your little mission to infiltrate that anti-alien cult, if it hadn't been for you we could have had major problems with all the races on Earth right now.'

'Yeah, it was hard not shooting them all,' James scoffed. 'With everything we've been through wanting to blow up other species was crazy.'

'That's what being an N7 is all about,' Joker reminded him with a laugh. 'You get all the good missions.'

'How's Shepard? I can't imagine she's easy to live with right now.' James grinned as Joker rolled his eyes.

'She's blaming me for everything, the lack of sleep, getting up to go to the toilet every ten minutes, the back pain.' Joker grinned and James laughed at him. 'Wouldn't have it any other way.'

As if on cue an air car dropped onto the dock and Garrus stepped out, leaning in to help Shepard climb out. She was rubbing her swollen abdomen and grimacing in pain. Joker was quickly on the move, feeling James alongside him.

'Babe, what's wrong,' Joker looked from her to Garrus who was grinning.

'My water's broke,' she made it sound like a curse. 'Bet the Council loved that.'

'Now! Seriously!' Joker took her arm as they walked slowly to the airlock, 'It's not time yet!'

'It's your child,' Shepard growled at him.

'But the impatience comes from you,' Joker chuckled nervously.

Behind them James and Garrus just laughed and Shepard threw a withering glance over her shoulder.

'I'll just get my team squared away,' James backpedaled.

'I have some messages to see to,' Garrus followed him.

Joker was chuckling as they walked through the airlock, 'EDI, please let doc know Shepard's in labour.'

Chakwas was waiting for them at the medbay door. 'Why did I know your child would be in a hurry,' she chuckled and shook her head.

'It's too soon, doc,' Joker couldn't hide the fear in his voice.

'She'll be fine, Jeff,' Chakwas took Shepard's other arm and helped her up onto the bed. 'Babies come early all the time, besides, we weren't absolutely sure on the dates.'

'I'll believe you, doc,' Joker moved to the side of his wife's bed.

'You know, we've had lots of medical emergencies, procedures and discoveries in this medbay but this is the first birth.' Chakwas grinned at both of them as she helped Shepard get settled and hooked up monitors. 'It's a nice change.'

'You're not allowed to complain if I break your hand,' Shepard muttered and he chuckled.

'Not a chance,' he leaned over and kissed her forehead.

* * *

Six hours later Joker settled in his chair and began his pre-flight checks. He was still on cloud nine and he was thankful that what he was doing was instinctual, his head and heart were still in medbay with the two most precious things in his life.

He was a dad. He had helped deliver a tiny little bundle of dark hair and blue green eyes who was eager to enter the world. Katherine Davina Moreau, his little girl who already owned his heart and had him wrapped around her little finger. Chakwas had confirmed that she was healthy and intact even if she was a couple of weeks early and she had her mother's bones not his. She'd met the family who had fallen in love with her just as quickly as he did, even Wrex had been gentle with her. He would never have to worry about her safety with family like theirs around and he could pretty much guarantee they'd never want for babysitters.

'Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy requesting a departure vector.' He brought up his navigation screens and began the undocking procedure.

'Roger Normandy, sending through a vector now,' there was a pause on the other end and Joker glanced at the screen in concern. 'I understand congratulations are in order,' the disjointed voice chuckled. 'Best wishes to you and yours.'

'Thanks control,' Joker's grin was back, news traveled fast.

'Good luck out there today, we're keeping our fingers crossed.'

'Roger that, control, aren't we all.'

'How we doin' Adams?' Joker brought up the engineering screens and the board came up green.

'Ready when you are Joker,' Adams chuckled, 'got your mind back in the game?'

'You questioning my flying skills, Adams?' Joker tried to sound hurt but just couldn't wipe the grin off his face.

'He'll be glad of his seat when the bairn starts keeping him up all night,' Donnelly yelled in the background.

'So far you're the only reason she's cried,' Joker threw back and heard the engineer grumbling in the background to Gabby's laughter.

The docking clamps released and the Normandy slid gracefully out of the dock. Within minutes they were clear of the Citadel and in open space. Joker felt the euphoria of being back in flight. They were heading out this time, not just doing a run to Mars. Coming on top of his daughter's birth it was a natural high and Joker found himself humming.

'You seem exceptionally happy, Jeff,' EDI glanced at him from the co-pilot's seat.

'What's not to be happy about,' he chuckled.

'The relay test may fail, it may never work again and we could have another rebellion.'

'Way to kill the mood, EDI,' Joker grimaced but the grin was quickly back. 'Today's too good for all that to happen.'

'I have a question,' EDI sat back in her seat and looked at him. 'Dr Chakwas asked me to record the birth of your child, she thought you might like to have a copy to watch later.' She paused and Joker frowned at her. 'Would you object to me watching it?'

'Didn't you watch it while you were recording it?'

'No, I believed it was a personal moment that should not be intruded upon. But now I am curious about the event. I wish to learn all there is about being human and although I will never give birth witnessing the birth of someone … special, would allow me to gain a better understanding of both the medical and emotional aspect.'

'I don't have a problem with it but you should ask Shepard first,' Joker felt the surge as he put them into FTL. 'Why weren't you in the mess with everyone else,' he turned to face her, 'have you seen Katherine yet?'

'No, I have not.' She seemed to be unsure and Joker was a little concerned. 'I did not know if it was appropriate or if my presence would upset the baby.'

Joker scoffed, 'she didn't cry with Wrex so you shouldn't upset her. You're part of the family, EDI, you should go and see her, say hello. If you're worried about upsetting her with your appearance you can adjust yourself to appear softer.'

'Perhaps that would be wise,' she was silent and Joker watched in wonder as her hair changed from a solid mass to individual strands and her skin took on a softer, more natural coloured tone.

'Woah, EDI, if you're going to do that you might want to put on a uniform.'

She glanced down at herself and nodded, 'I shall procure one from stores.' She stood up and Joker tried not to gulp at the way she looked. 'I assume from your biometric readings that this appearance is acceptable.'

'Yeah, but you need to cover up,' Joker watched her walk away, her legs, arms and torso were skin coloured but she looked like she was wearing a one piece swimsuit where her plating remained silver grey. A very tight fitting, high cut with a plunging neckline swimsuit that on a human woman wouldn't leave much to the imagination. Joker could just picture eyes popping as she walked past.

It wasn't long before they reached their destination and Joker dropped them out of FTL. A fleet was already assembled and he brought them alongside the Orizaba. Around them were turian, asari, geth and quarian ships, all waiting, hoping and possibly praying that the relay test was successful. If the worst happened and Reapers came pouring through then the fleet would at least give them pause before the fighting began all over again. Maybe the eight months of peace had given them a false sense of security.

'I'm leaving now, Joker, as hard as that is,' Hannah spoke through the com. She'd wasted no time getting to the Normandy once Shepard had gone into labour. 'Good luck if this works.'

'Roger that and thanks,' Joker opened the cargo bay doors so her shuttle could leave. The Orizaba would be staying on this side of the relay, just in case.

If he had to admit it, he would say he was a little nervous about what was coming. If the relay started up, if the probes they sent through gave back a positive reading then the Normandy would be one of the first ships through. The Reaper corpses had been useful after all, their eezo cores had been harvested for the relay with no resultant indoctrinations occurring. The salarians and geth had worked non-stop for the last eight months to rebuild the rings from plans found in the Mars archives and information passed on by the keepers. He had no doubt about their skills, it was what they'd find on the other side that worried him. Or maybe it was what they wouldn't find. What if there was no-one left? What if the Reapers were still out there, still harvesting?

He was getting a little paranoid and he laughed at himself. But he had a lot more to lose now and that made him worry about their safety. He had an even bigger reason now to prove that he was the best pilot in the Alliance fleet, a title he wasn't about to let go of. The com crackled to life and he jumped.

'Stand-by for start-up,' a salarian voice advised.

The fleet had kept their distance from the relay. If the newly built rings didn't hold then debris could fly out in all directions. Joker brought up the relay on his screens as familiar footsteps sounded behind him. He turned to see Shepard walking towards him.

'Aren't you supposed to be in bed?' He scowled at her and she grinned.

'Doc gave me the all clear as long as I don't do anything strenuous and get some rest,' she slipped into the co-pilots seat and Joker was reminded of all the times they'd had quiet conversations or she'd slept beside him. 'I'm not injured, I just had a baby.'

'Right,' he nodded, 'and that's not a big deal or anything.'

'I'm okay,' she sighed and he reached for her hand. 'Katie's asleep and Chakwas is keeping an eye on her.'

'And you just couldn't wait to be back in charge,' he chuckled as she rolled her eyes at him.

Movement caught their eyes and they both turned back to the screens. The rings were moving. Slowly they gathered speed, spinning in tandem and Joker realised he was holding his breath. There was a blinding flash as the eezo core fired up and the familiar blue light lit up the bridge with its intensity before settling into the familiar shine they all knew.

Joker was waiting for something to go wrong, it seemed too easy. Beside him Shepard sat forward, watching intently as the first probe headed towards the relay. The relay picked it up in its electric grip and it disappeared in a flash of light. Joker watched in dismay as the second probe wasn't picked up, the corresponding relay obviously wasn't working. There were five relays accessible from the Sol relay since the destruction of Bahak so five probes were sent out, only two weren't picked up. The readouts had been forwarded to all ships by the salarians and it was an agonizing wait for the signal to come back.

Suddenly the screen came to life. Numbers rolled before their eyes and it took a moment to recognise where they were coming from. Joker watched the readouts and he couldn't help the disappointment that showed on his face.

'What's wrong?' Shepard was looking to him for information, she had no idea what the numbers meant.

'Only three of the five relays came back positive,' he pointed to the number then brought up a smaller version of the galaxy map. 'These are the three, Serpent Nebula, Shadow Sea and Caleston Rift. Arcturus and the Exodus Cluster haven't responded. They could be too severely damaged because they were the closest to the Sol relay. There are five relays in the Arcturus Stream so one of the others might be working, just not the one from here.'

'But this means that everyone can go home,' she was smiling and it was contagious.

'Yes,' he grinned back, 'they can go home. Assuming the relays beyond these three are still functioning.'

Before they'd even finished speaking a salarian frigate set a course for the relay. Joker waited for it to reach the other side where it would send out more probes. He admired the crew of the frigate, they had no idea what was waiting for them but they had volunteered to go. A second ship lined up for the relay before the readings came back and they watched as it too disappeared in an all too familiar flash.

More numbers flashed up on the screen and the galaxy map updated as more relays registered on the network. It looked like most of the network was intact and available. He could hear cheers through the open com and beside him Shepard was laughing. She had never told anyone what happened on the Crucible and he had felt that something was eating at her, that she felt responsible for everyone being stranded and possibly never going home.

Now, for the first time in months, that feeling was gone. It was as if a load had finally been lifted from her shoulders and she could truly relax. The smile she gave him was dazzling and he was caught up in its intensity. A soft cry behind them made them both turn and Dr Chakwas walked towards them with a bundle in her arms.

'Someone is hungry,' she chuckled and handed Katherine to her mother who gladly allowed her to feed.

Joker tried to concentrate on his screens but the gentle humming beside him made him turn and grin at his wife.

'The novelty will wear off soon,' Chakwas patted his shoulder with a chuckle and left them alone.

'You do realise you're humming,' Joker raised his eyebrows at Shepard and she shrugged before returning her attention to their daughter.

Joker laughed and turned back to his screens, not fighting the urge to glance at his wife every now and then. One by one ships lined up for the relay and the fleet slowly disappeared. So far no-one had reported finding any Reapers so the hope that they were all destroyed was becoming a reality.

Shepard looked up as the Normandy moved and heavy footsteps echoed around the bridge.

'Are we going?' Wrex boomed and Katherine jumped, losing her grip on the nipple and breaking into cries.

'Nice job, Wrex,' Joker chuckled, 'and yes, we're going.'

'Good,' Wrex leaned over and stroked Katherine's head gently, 'sorry little pyjak, didn't mean to scare you.' His rumble of laughter made Joker grin, even the biggest, baddest krogan battlemaster became a softie around his little girl.

'Relay in five, four, three …'

Joker felt the familiar tug and mentally crossed everything he owned that they came safely out the other side. He let out the breath he was holding as they reappeared in the Serpent Nebula. It was strange not seeing the Citadel waiting for them and he wondered if it would ever return, no-one had figured out how to move it yet.

'Board is green,' Joker advised purely out of habit as the checks registered.

He set their course for the relay to the Krogan DMZ and set about punching in the numbers. There were still a few other ships in the nebula, heading for Thessia, Surkesh and Palaven . From his readings all twelve relays in the Serpent Nebula were functioning. It seemed that only those closest to Sol had suffered enough damage to render them non-functional.

Joker had forgotten about the open coms and he jumped as it suddenly came to life. It wasn't just the ships around them, there were transmissions coming in from all over the galaxy. There were advisory warnings, places where supplies could be found, general confirmation that there were others still alive, some were asking for help, some were offering aid. It was a repeat of the pattern in the Sol system after the Reapers were defeated but on a grander scale and from the sound of it there had already been some basic organisation going on. The best thing though was that the communication networks were still functioning.

'Looks like we've got our work cut out for us,' Shepard sighed but she couldn't hide her grin and Joker knew she was looking forward getting back out there.

'Joker.' LIara's excited voice came from behind and he glanced over his shoulder to see her almost running towards the bridge.

'You're next Liara,' he chuckled at her enthusiasm.

'What?' She suddenly seemed confused.

'We're dropping Wrex on Tuchanka then we're taking you to Thessia,' Joker reminded her of their planned route.

'No, that's not why I'm here,' she was grinning and almost bouncing on her toes. 'I found them!'

Joker glanced from Liara to Shepard who shrugged. 'Found who?'

'Your family, Hilary and your dad.'

Joker's world spun. He had pretty much given up hope of finding them alive but now he was in shock, he hadn't prepared himself for this.

'That's fantastic, Liara,' he heard Shepard but focusing on her was difficult. 'Where are they?'

That brought him back to earth with a resounding thud and he spun so he could look at Liara.

'They went back to Tiptree two months ago to help rebuild.' She was fiddling with her omnitool, 'Their names were on my list and my network came back up when we passed through the relay. They were on Surkesh but went home when it was safe. I can't give you live feed but you can send a message.'

Joker jumped as his omnitool flashed up with an address. Without hesitation he started typing.

_Hey Gunny,_

_Just found out you're alive and I am too – duh, obviously. Have to drop some important people off but will be coming to see you asap. Have someone I want you to meet – two someone's actually._

_Love you and dad_

_Jeff_

He wiped the tears from his eyes and felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder, he hadn't realised she'd moved. He was about to speak when a message came back.

_Jeff,_

_You've made me cry you idiot! Dad too if you can believe that! We knew you were still out there somewhere, never doubted it. Can't wait to see you._

_Love you (and I'm guessing Shepard and baby)_

_Gunny_

Joker sucked in a breath and fought to control his emotions. Shepard knelt down before him and pulled him into a hug, their daughter fitting neatly between them. She kissed him lightly and as he met her eyes he saw his tears echoed in hers. He nodded at her to let her know he was okay and she smiled before handing over Katherine.

'I have to go and let the Council and Hackett know that there are people out here who need help and to pass on the Council message about the new galactic order.' She stood up. 'Can you manage or do you want me to take her back to medbay?'

'Always said I can fly better with one hand than most pilots can with two,' he grinned up at her and she laughed. 'I love you.'

'I love you,' she brushed the side of his face before turning and walking away with Liara and Wrex in tow.

'Hey Liara,' Joker waited until she stopped and turned to face him, 'thanks.'

She nodded, smiled and continued through the CIC. Joker spun in his seat, his eyes falling to Katie who was looking up at him through wide eyes.

'Hey baby girl,' he brought up the relay transition screen and readied them for transit before meeting his daughter's eyes again. The relay gripped the Normandy in its glowing fingers and she turned to look at the flash through the viewport. 'Daddy's going to give you the galaxy.'

_**END** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it ends, and not without a tear or two, this has definitely been a labour of love. The last line was the inspiration for this fic so I wanted to know how they got there, turned out a bit longer than I anticipated. This is the end of Destruction but not necessarily the end of Joker and Ari.
> 
> So I didn't bog down this chapter with the birth of Katie I have posted another piece with the detail if anyone wants to read it. It's called Precious and you'll find it on my story list.
> 
> I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has stayed with this from the beginning, for reading, commenting or leaving kudos. I've enjoyed writing it as much as you've enjoyed reading it and your feedback and support has definitely made me feel good. Now it's onto the next one and maybe a sequel down the line.


End file.
